The Long Road Home
by RiverCity
Summary: COMPLETE Events surrounding the death of her sister find Alexis fighting to regain her life, her love and her peace of mind. Sonny and Alexis
1. The Long Road Home

This is an epic story of 88 chapters chronicling one woman's journey to regain her life, her love and a future she could only imagine in her dreams. The majority of the characters are not mine, but belong to ABC and General Hospital. I am only borrowing them to tell a story. A story that I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it. Your responses are most welcome and do enlighten the writer as to how well the story is being received. Thank you for your interest. 

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The Long Road Home 

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Chapter 1  
  
Early morning light streamed through the window softly caressing a lone woman's beautiful face as she sat staring without focus at the wall before her. The few golden highlights that laced her brunette hair caught the sun's rays causing them to glisten and dance in sharp contrast to the dullness infusing her chocolate brown eyes. The small room she occupied contained a single twin bed, one desk and the one chair she rested on. It was a simple metal chair of the type usually found around cheap card tables marred by time and abuse. It's inflexibility and coldness escaped her notice, as did the bars on the window that interrupted the beautiful view that lay just outside her window. A simple hesitant knock went unnoticed, as did the door opening to allow her most frequent visitor to enter the room. It was left to the walls alone to hear his quiet hopeful voice.  
  
"Hey, it's me. I just came by to check on you again. Just wanted to see how you're doing and if you need anything."   
  
Stepping closer he leaned around her still form to catch sight of her face hoping beyond hope that she would finally recognize him. His face fell momentarily as he realized today would not be any different than any of the other days over the past few weeks. Forcing a smile onto his face and into his voice he continued to talk quietly to her.  
  
"It looks like your nurse has already been here today. I mean you look great. You've already had your hair washed and I see a little make-up today. You look beautiful as always."  
  
Shifting a bit uncomfortably he gingerly sat down on the bed beside her chair and leaned forward so that he could continue to watch her... just in case by some miracle she decided to rejoin the world.   
  
"You know it would be so much easier if you would talk to me. Hell, I'd be glad if you would just talk... to anybody. It doesn't have to be me. I'll bring anybody you want here, but you really need to come out of this. You've already been here a month and there's a lot of people missing you out there."  
  
Sighing in resignation his head fell forward as his eyes closed in defeat once more. Resting there a moment, a host of questions raced through his head as he pondered what he could do to help this woman who should never have had a reason to find herself in this barren room. Finally letting go of the problem for the moment he stood up and hesitantly reached out to softly touch the still hands that lay motionless in her lap.  
  
"Well, I guess you'll come around when it's time. I'll come back tomorrow and see how you're doing, ok? Maybe you'll feel like talking then."  
  
Taking one last look at her before he left, Johnny O'Brien prayed that this self-imposed exile would somehow end soon. This was wrong. It never should have happened. Why her? Why this woman? Why Alexis?   
  
Alexis Davis retreated from life the day she buried her sister among a host of angel white and purple hydrangeas. And as always, she didn't make a fuss, didn't tell anyone she was in trouble; she simply left the memorial service, went home alone and removed herself from the grief and guilt that consumed her for her part in her sister's death. Ned Ashton found her the next morning sitting on her sofa still wearing the color of her anger and staring straight ahead, unfocused and unaware of anything or anyone around her.  
  
***********  
  
Moments later entering the administrator's office, Johnny sat down and waited for Dr. Collins to arrive for their appointment. He felt more than a little apprehensive at being called in to talk to Alexis' doctor, but he was willing to do anything he could if it would help her somehow get away from this place. Looking down at his watch he realized he was a few minutes early, so he settled back into one of the waiting room chairs leaning his head back to rest against the wall. As his eyes closed his mind began to wander retracing the events of just how it came about that 'he' was the one who came here to Ferncliff Sanitarium every day to visit Alexis Davis.  
  
From the moment she began to work for his former boss Sonny Corinthos as his attorney, Johnny found that he liked and respected Alexis. She always treated him kinder; showed him more respect than anyone else he had ever come in contact with during the time he was employed by Sonny. She made it her business when walking into a room to acknowledge him and on occasion lightly touched his arm in greeting. She let him know that he mattered; he wasn't just another bodyguard on a payroll.   
  
The day he learned she was admitted to Ferncliff, Johnny went to see Ned Ashton. He didn't tell Sonny or anyone else where he was going. It was no one else's business and it was just something that he knew he needed to do for her simply because of who she was. Everybody wanted something from Alexis... expected her to be right there for them when they called no matter what was going on in her own life. They were always demanding that she attend to their worries, their problems, and their businesses. And she did so without complaint and without asking anything in return. Now she was in trouble and it was time somebody gave something back to her just because she deserved it... she earned it. Someone needed to care for her now... someone needed to put their own life on hold for a while to help her just as she had for them so many times before. And seeing no one else make the effort to do so, Johnny stepped up and made it his business to be that person.  
  
His reception to the Quartermaine gatehouse had been anything but welcome, but he didn't given up until Ned finally relented and allowed him to speak his mind.  
  
"Alright Johnny, you have two minutes. Say what you've come to say and then get out. I don't want you here and the only reason you have made it past the threshold is that I know for a fact Alexis respected you and thought a great deal of you. It totally escapes me as to why she liked you, but she did. So state your case and then go."  
  
Taking a deep breath and choking down the resentment he felt over Ned's superior attitude, Johnny patiently inquired as to how Alexis was doing.  
  
"I just want to know if she is okay. I liked her a great deal and I'd like to help in any way I can. Is there anything I can do to help her?"  
  
Johnny could see the disgust Ned felt in simply being in the same room with him, but his sincerity and care about Alexis seemed to reached Ned on a level he couldn't deny. The answer Johnny received surprised him.  
  
"There is a way you can help her. You can honor her by doing the one thing that would mean the most to her. If she comes out of this, let her come out and find that you are safe from 'his' world. Walk away from Sonny Corinthos. Find something to do that is safe and not related to the mob or the underworld. That is what you can do for her."  
  
Johnny thanked Ned for his reluctant willingness to speak to him and then quietly walked out of the little gatehouse Ned called home. Heading straight to his own home Johnny sat on his couch for hours thinking about what Ned Ashton said. Truth be told, he was tired of the life he had willingly chose so many years ago. He was tired of being a shadow. Sure he owed Sonny. Sonny took him in when he needed a job... took care of him when there was finally no one left to call his own. But the past couple of months found Sonny changing, becoming more difficult and more dangerous to work for. Those changes were now making the job of protecting him an unpleasant chore, which regrettably opened the door for mistakes to be made. And the fact that Johnny was now being asked to baby-sit Sonny's wife, Carly on a more regular basis simply irked him. It infuriated him that Sonny had finally reached the point where he couldn't recognize that his wife was not safe even with his own bodyguards protecting her. It was an undeniable fact that in the world of bodyguards for full and complete protection to be effective a man needed to be able to at least respect the person he was guarding and there was not one single man in Sonny's employ that could actually stand being in the same room with her much less respect her.  
  
That afternoon after taking the time to re-evaluate his life and where it led him, Johnny made the difficult decision to leave Sonny's employ and start over with a clean slate. He knew what he wanted to do now and because of a few private talks he and Alexis shared over the years, he was financially able to walk away from Sonny and finally stand on his own. With that one decision made Johnny was then free to make the decision that would lead him to Ferncliff... to this waiting room... this one purpose. Johnny decided to become a link between Alexis and the outside world until she felt safe enough to return to it. He began by visiting her every day. Sometimes he would sit with her for hours just reading to her and sometimes just long enough to say hi so that if she were by some miracle aware of her surroundings she would know that he hadn't forgotten her.  
  
Standing quickly as the waiting room door opened, Johnny looked up to find Dr. Collins entering the room and at his gesture to accompany him followed a few steps behind until he was standing in front of a desk that was piled high with several stacks of books and manila folders that he figured were probably patient charts. Scanning the room he quickly found that there were only two other places to sit and mentally shaking his head Johnny decided he wasn't about to find himself sitting on the infamous 'psychiatrist's couch'. 'Not on your life.' He muttered to himself. So he sat down in the chair directly in front of the desk and leaned forward anxiously no longer sure if he really wanted to be found in a psychiatrist's office at the local Port Charles, New York 'looney' asylum. Suddenly remembering the beautiful smile that no longer graced the face of his friend, Johnny quickly and adamantly pushed aside any lingering reservations he might have and gave his complete attention to Alexis' doctor.  
  
"It's Johnny, right? I don't seem to have a last name listed here for you."  
  
"Just call me Johnny. Never cared much for my last name. Never use it."  
  
"Fine, Johnny it is then. I see by Miss Davis' chart that you have been here almost every day since she was admitted. May I ask what your interest is in Miss Davis? I know that you are not a relative of hers, so I need to know what kind of connection you have with her."  
  
Johnny sat back thoughtfully and weighed his answer before speaking.  
  
"My only connection is that I respect her and I want to be a friend to her. I want to do whatever I can to help her get through this. I have no hidden motives. I'm just here for her, plain and simple."  
  
"That's very admirable, but pardon me for having a few reservations about this. She has friends that visit her and her nephew visits regularly. What can you offer her that they can't?"  
  
Watching the doctor and hearing the leading tone of his voice, Johnny suddenly realized that Dr. Collins was testing him. This meeting was more than just a get acquainted with the visitor type of meeting. This doctor was up to something... wanted something specific from him... for Alexis. So Johnny answered as honestly as he could in hopes that it was the answer the doctor was looking for. This could possibly be his chance to do something more for his friend if he didn't blow it.  
  
"I can offer her 'Me'. Her friends, family... they come when they can... when they can fit her into their schedule. I know. I've watched. She is alone most of the time. Alone is not good for anyone especially someone like her... I mean... well, like she is now. I would like to be here... on a regular basis... be with her so she's not alone. You know until she's ready to come back."  
  
Johnny knew he was rambling. He couldn't stop himself. There was too much riding on this meeting. If he were going to be allowed to help Alexis he had to make sure the doctor understood where he was coming from. He just wanted to help her and so... he rambled on.  
  
"You don't have to pay me. I don't need your money. But, I want to be around as much as possible. Spend as much time with her as I can and do whatever I can to help her grab hold again. I know just enough about her to know that this is not what she would want from life. This would be a waste to her; she just needs a little help to come out of it. I want to help."  
  
Holding his hands up in the air to stop the onslaught, Kevin Collins chuckled a moment at the man's enthusiasm over 'helping' his latest and most important patient.  
  
"Stop Johnny. You've made your point. I believe you." Becoming serious again, Kevin sat back in his chair and studied Johnny a few moments. He had been meditating on an idea regarding Alexis for a few days now and couldn't find a way to effectively put it into practice. This guy just might be the answer. Leaning forward and laying his hands on his desk he peered at Johnny.  
  
"Okay. First you need to know that Alexis is very important to me as a patient. Her welfare will always come first whether you agree with my recovery plan or not. Her prognosis right now is not good, but that is due to the fact that I don't believe she has any interest in coming back from where she is right now. I believe that she has allowed herself to retreat into what she feels is a safe place. I don't know the whys and wherefores yet, but what I do know is that it's going to take quite a bit of love, care and work to bring her back. So to that end... I have formulated a plan of care that just might work. I will need help to put it into place and maintain it. Until today I didn't put any great confidence in it working because no one on the outside seemed to be willing to do what needed to be done for this to work. You just might be the one to change my mind... be the answer to what we need to do for Alexis."  
  
Johnny leaned forward eagerly resting his forearms on his thighs never letting his eyes leave the doctors face.  
  
"What do you need? What can I do to help?"  
  
Kevin Collins leaned back satisfied with Johnny's response and began to outline his plan.  
  
"She has not been out of that cold isolated room since she arrived. There is a baby involved here that is in jeopardy. A child, even in the womb, must feel loved and wanted. In her present state of mind, Alexis is unable to provide that. I need someone to take an active interest in not only Alexis, but the child as well. Given what I have laid out so far, are you sure you want to continue with this. I don't want to waste your time nor do I want my time wasted. So what's it going to be? You game?"  
  
Without a moment's hesitation, Johnny took hold of the chair's arms and leaning forward pulled it closer to the desk, then folded his arms on top of it's edge his interest never wavering once.  
  
"I'm in, Doc. Just tell me what I need to do."  
  
Nodding his head in satisfaction, Kevin then began to fully outline his course of treatment.  
  
"Ok, Alexis needs a companion, someone who is ready to invest in her care totally, completely and for the long run. Her mental state is not the only problem we are concerned with. We have to look at her physical well being as well. First, we need to establish a controlled existence for her. From talking to her brother and her nephew the one thing she has always responded favorably to is a sense of being in control. She seems to hold to a rigid stance of everything being in its place, in its own time and in a sequence of priority. You are going to provide that control for her in the beginning. Everything from her meals, to outside walks, to visits from outsiders and even her time with me will be on a schedule. It will be your responsibility to see that the schedule is adhered to without fail. She will have a nurse to care for her personal hygiene, but it will be your responsibility to see that even that part of her care is kept to a strict schedule. Second, we have to take care of the baby for her until she is able to take care of it for herself. When you are with Alexis you must make physical contact with not only her, but the baby as well. Make it a habit that when you go anywhere near her touch her first then caress the baby. The baby must have contact if 'she' is to be born healthy. Ok, you now know that the child is a girl. Give her a pet name; something you are comfortable with. Talk to the baby whenever possible, but always include Alexis in the conversation. You will in effect be the mediator between mother and child. It is a lot that I will require of you, so if you do not feel you can handle any part of this, I need to know now. If you have any hesitation whatsoever; now is the time to speak up. I cannot start this type of program and have you walk out mid-way. It would be devastating to Alexis as well as the child."  
  
As Kevin laid out his plan, Johnny rose and began pacing the short length of the office. His thoughts were not based on whether he would stay with her or not. Johnny was afraid he would fail her. Coming to a standstill in front of the desk he quietly voiced his fears to Kevin.  
  
"I will stay with her night and day if that's what it takes, but what if I fail? What if I fail her? What happens then?"  
  
Every reservation that remained with Kevin regarding Johnny being the right one for the job faded as he listened to Johnny's fears. Standing up and walking around his desk he laid his hand on Johnny's shoulder.  
  
"The only way either one of us can fail her now is if we don't try. If we leave her alone, she will stay as she is right now indefinitely. So, together we begin to stimulate her subconscious. We begin to bring her back to the real world slowly and with a great deal of care. I'm told she had a good life before it was ripped from her. I know she was the best in her career. So tell me Johnny, just how much do you know about what her life was like before she came here?"  
  
Looking up into the doctor's face, Johnny realized for the first time that he held information that could not only help Alexis, but it could very well cost him immeasurably in the telling. He knew a lot about Alexis and the life she led before being admitted to Ferncliff. He was there the last few years watching it all play out from the sidelines. The problem he was faced with was the fact that he had been working for Sonny during that time and it was imperative that he remained silent about Sonny's dealings... personal and professional. It was part of the unspoken code he and his former boss lived by. And the code was never broken... regardless of the circumstances. Regardless of the fact that Alexis held a very distinctive place in Sonny's life for the past few years. Johnny would not compromise their time together in any way if he could help it. He was walking a thin line, but knew without a doubt that he would cross it if it meant the difference between Alexis getting better or remaining at Ferncliff indefinitely.  
  
"Doc, I will tell you what I know of her as long as it does not pertain to my former boss. If you need anything about Mr. Corinthos, then you are just going to have to ask him yourself. Sorry, but for now, that's all I can give you."  
  
Kevin nodded his head as he walked back around his desk to take his seat once more.  
  
"Yes, I've been given quite the earful from her family regarding Sonny Corinthos. I won't be asking you any personal questions regarding him. But, I will need Sonny here and talking in the next couple of days and if there is anything you can do to help facilitate getting him here I would appreciate it. I started a series of anti-depressant meds for Alexis this morning. I can't tell you how much to expect yet, but we are hoping for the best. Your job starts now. And just for future references should the need arise, these meds are designed to stimulate a certain area of the brain. It is the area that contains our emotional responses, how we deal with things around us. We are walking a tight rope here though, because her memories are also involved with that area of the brain. If we stimulate her brain too much we take the chance of causing a loss of memory, but if we don't stimulate it then there will either be no change at all or she may regress even further."  
  
Johnny hadn't considered the possibility that Alexis would never come out of the state she was in. Lowering his head he sighed heavily and wished with all his heart that Sonny were there at that moment. Surely their past wouldn't make a difference to him now if he could help her. The friendship between Sonny and Alexis had at one time been so profound for them both that they unconsciously paid special attention to it... keeping it safe from the interference of outsiders... nurturing it to keep it from withering away as all things do when left unattended. And now totally unaware of it, Alexis needed 'her friend' more than ever. Fact of the matter was though; their friendship had deteriorated so badly through misunderstanding, fear and the harsh realities of broken trust that Johnny didn't think Sonny even knew where Alexis was now. Her family made sure her confinement was kept quiet and with Sonny being so completely wrapped up in his own troubles... nothing else seemed to matter to him... least of all the one woman who had made such a profound impact on his life. Resigning himself to the fact that it was up to him to help her, at least for now, Johnny looked back up at Kevin and nodded his understanding.  
  
"When do I start, Doc?"  
  
"I am going to move Alexis to one of the more comfortable suites we have here this evening. It has a large living area with two bedrooms. You will become her live-in companion just as soon as you settle whatever business affairs you have in the outside world and get some clothes here. Ferncliff will become your home for as long as Alexis needs you with her. I would prefer you start first thing in the morning. Her nurse will get her up at 7:00 and dress her. You will take over then with breakfast. I have laid out a daily schedule for her. I want you to look it over and let me know if you feel anything needs to be changed or added. Any questions so far?"  
  
Staring straight ahead in serious thought Johnny let his mind wander back to another woman who had meant a lot to him at one time in his life. What would she want if it were her in this place? What would make her more comfortable?   
  
"Doc, I'd like to bring some of her own clothes here. I think that she will feel better if she doesn't have to wear those hospital gowns all the time. Know what I mean?"  
  
Smiling with satisfaction Kevin thought how remarkably things were working out now. Johnny was going to work out just fine as a companion for Alexis Davis. Remembering his frustration and worry over the past few days on how he was going to initiate a care program for Alexis, he shook his head in wonder as he gazed at the man across from him. A rather humorous thought occurred to him at that moment causing him to chuckle.  
  
"Uh, Johnny... her own clothes are not going to fit her too much longer. What are you going to do about that?"  
  
Johnny joined Kevin's laughter at the thought, although Kevin laughed harder due to the blush that instantly appeared on Johnny's face. Johnny laughed more out of embarrassment than anything else until the perfect answer suddenly presented itself.  
  
"That's not a problem, doc. I know someone who would be more than happy to help me out with that one. I'll call her on my way out and talk to her about it."  
  
Rising from behind his desk signaling a close to the appointment Kevin offered his hand to Johnny.  
  
"Johnny, we are going to work very hard and together we are going to bring Alexis out of this. It is not going to happen overnight. This could take a while, but I am very hopeful that we will be successful. If you have any questions, my secretary will have my number. Call me anytime. Between you and me, I owe her. Got myself into a spot of trouble a while back and she defended me quite tenaciously and saved my butt from a prison term. I want to see that woman back on her feet and back where she belongs. I admire her a great deal. It is up to you and I to see that she walks out of here competent, whole and prepared to face the world again."  
  
Listening to Kevin place his faith in the two of them together to get Alexis back, Johnny knew in that one still moment that he had just begun the fight of his life. There was purpose to his life now and he felt absolutely certain that everything in his life both good and bad had led him to this day... to this one task that now meant the world to him. He would give his all in the pursuit of pulling Alexis back from the darkness she had fallen into. Standing up, Johnny unconsciously straightened his shoulders as a soldier would when being called to attention and looked Kevin straight in the eye.  
  
"Doc, we'll do it and Alexis will help us. She doesn't want to be where she is right now. She just needed a little time to pull herself together again, but like always went a bit overboard. We'll get her back. You wait and see. I'll be back in a few hours to start. I don't want to wait until in the morning. She wouldn't want to wait either. If she had a job to do, she did it. That's what I'm going to do. So I'll see ya later, Doc." 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Johnny sprinted out the front door the sanitarium toward the parking lot. He was eager to begin this new phase of his life, but there was a lot to do before he could return to Ferncliff and one of the errands he needed to attend to was paying a visit to one Sonny Corinthos. Nearing his truck with a thousand things running through his mind he stopped and swiftly pulled out his cell phone. Retrieving the number he needed from operator assistance he dialed quickly hoping there would be someone home to answer his call.  
  
Felicia Jones was sitting quietly on her couch with a glass of Diet Coke and a bottle of aspirin trying to recuperate from the latest round with her oldest daughter, Maxie. She shook her head in wonder thinking, 'How can any one child be so difficult?' Hearing the phone ring she groaned in annoyance and reached to answer the call.  
  
"Hello. Oh, excuse me a moment. MAXIE, HANG UP, I'VE GOT IT. AND YOU'RE GROUNDED ANYWAY." Realizing her caller was probably deaf now from her voice screaming into the phone she quickly apologized. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell in your ear. Teenagers, you gotta love 'em. Can I help you?"  
  
"Felicia, this is Johnny."  
  
"Johnny who?"  
  
"Uh, I was Mr. Corinthos' bodyguard for a while."  
  
"Ohhh, that Johnny. 'Was a bodyguard', huh.   
  
What can I do for you, Johnny?"  
  
"I need a little help with a problem I've got and I thought maybe I could talk you into helping me. Well, actually it's not for me, it's for Miss Davis."  
  
Hearing Johnny bring Alexis into the conversation surprised and intrigued Felicia. The last time she saw Alexis was at her sister, Kristina's funeral. Her heart still broke every time she thought of the pain she witnessed in Alexis that day.  
  
"Johnny, I'm not sure Alexis would want me around right now after everything that has happened."  
  
"Felicia, I need to know whether or not I can trust you to keep a confidence where Alexis is concerned before we go any further. Can I trust you to keep this conversation between us?"  
  
Felicia could tell by the tone of Johnny's voice that he was sincere in his request and adamant in what he wanted. This was it. Here was her chance to help Alexis. She wanted to do something... anything to repay Alexis for always trying to be a friend to her. Alexis tried on several occasions to help her when she needed it... tried to warn her against getting involved with the wrong people. And while Felicia appreciated Alexis caring enough to warn her about something that she herself evidently had intimate knowledge of... Felicia just wasn't ready to listen to anything that went against what she wanted. So she ignored Alexis' warnings and much to her regret had in fact found herself embroiled in a completely horrible mess. She knew she owed Alexis. Hell, who didn't? Alexis was one of those rare people who possessed the talent of being all things to all people and look where her generosity had gotten her. Alone now and it was over a month since anyone had seen her. Felicia needed to help Alexis in anyway she could.  
  
"I owe her big time, Johnny. I don't think there will ever be a way I can make it up to her for my part in her sister's death. She tried to warn me and I wouldn't listen. If there is anything I can do for her, name it."   
  
"Can you meet me at her place? I know it's short notice, but I don't have a lot of time and I would rather not discuss this over the phone."  
  
"Give me twenty minutes to take care of the girls and I'll be right there."  
  
"Thanks, Felicia. See you there in a few."  
  
Twenty minutes later Johnny stood in the doorway of Alexis' apartment. Standing on the threshold he felt a tremendous feeling of guilt wash over him. He was trespassing. This was her personal sanctuary. This was where she came to hide from the world when things got too overwhelming. This was where she renewed herself. And sadly it was this place that she came to when there was no where else to go... no one else to turn to... no one to hold her... no one to keep her from sliding into the darkness that now held her captive.   
  
Lowering his head in respect he took a cautious step forward and then another until he cleared the doorway. Whispering quietly as he saw her in his mind's eye, 'I wouldn't be here if I could help it. Please understand that I'm just trying to help and forgive me for intruding into your home.'  
  
Raising his head he looked around at the furnishings that occupied the apartment. Smiling slightly, he thought how totally like her it seemed. Very tailored, immaculate and warm. Moving to the sofa he sat down and waited for Felicia to arrive. Closing his eyes briefly, he inhaled deeply. Yes, that was definitely her scent. Still here even after a month of her absence. Detecting an unfamiliar odor suddenly enter the room he looked up to find Felicia standing beside the desk.  
  
Trying to hide his irritation that another woman's perfume was now overtaking the fragrance of Alexis in her own home, Johnny stood quickly to welcome Felicia.  
  
"Come in, Felicia. Please have a seat. Before I tell you what I called you for, I need to know if you know where Alexis is?"  
  
Felicia sat down with a worried look on her face and looked up at Johnny.  
  
"No, I haven't seen her since the funeral. I mean I know she hasn't been around for a while, but I just figured she went to Greece to see her brother or something like that. You know, to get a way for a while. Why? Has something happened? Is Alexis okay?"  
  
Sitting down across from Felicia, Johnny looked intently at her. He didn't know Felicia that well, but he knew that Alexis thought a lot of her and that was what he was counting on now.  
  
"Felicia, Alexis was admitted to Ferncliff a month ago. She is currently under the care of Kevin Collins. From what I gather, when she left the funeral service for her sister, she came back here and simply checked out. She doesn't speak to anyone; she doesn't even know when someone enters the room. She just sits there day after day staring at nothing."  
  
As the shock of Johnny's words penetrated, Felicia's jaw dropped in shock. It took a few moments before she was able to speak. "Oh, Johnny. What have we done to her? She was such a strong woman. I didn't think anything could really get to her that bad. She always handled things so well, so professionally."  
  
Johnny couldn't believe it! This was supposed to be one of her friends. He furtively shook his head wondering just how many of Alexis' so-called friends actually knew her.   
  
"Felicia, Alexis was not as strong as she wanted people to believe she was, she never has been. I guess she figured if people thought she was weak or something, then they wouldn't trust her to defend them to the best of her ability. But, I have to tell you, Alexis has been in trouble for a while. And no one has cared enough about her to notice. I don't mean to hurt you by saying that, but if I have learned anything from her it's that being honest is always best. Ok, you say you owe her. Well, here's your chance to pay up. She needs your help right now. Are you willing to help me help her without telling anybody what we are up to?"  
  
Felicia listened quietly as Johnny berated her and everyone else that knew Alexis. She couldn't argue with him, he was right. She herself hadn't paid enough attention to Alexis, and she was supposed to be her friend. Laying her hand on Johnny's arm she vowed to do whatever he needed her to do for Alexis.  
  
"Tell me what you need Johnny, and it's done. Whatever it is I'll get it done quietly and discreetly."  
  
Nodding his satisfaction he began telling her the plan regarding Alexis' care. When he finished he detailed what he needed from her.  
  
"We need to take care of her clothes problem. She is not showing yet, but her pregnancy is going to cause some problems pretty quickly. I need you to take care of that problem for me. Here is my credit card. Don't worry about the expense. But first, I need you to go into her bedroom and pack a suitcase for her. Get whatever she will need so she doesn't have to stay in those hospital gowns any longer. If you see anything that will make that place more bearable then pack it too."  
  
Johnny knew more about Alexis than he let on and Felicia was grateful to him. She recognized that he had been more observant as an unseen shadow than she ever was as a proclaimed friend.  
  
"Johnny, thank you for caring about her. I'm glad somebody does. I know I probably shouldn't ask, but does Sonny know where she is?"  
  
Johnny visibly stiffened at her question. He wasn't about to discuss anything regarding what was between Sonny and Alexis with anyone. Not even Felicia, who in his opinion hadn't earned the right to question him any further. Alexis was a private person and he would respect her wishes and keep it that way.  
  
"I don't know if he does or not, but I am asking you to   
  
stop with the questions. Just please do what I am asking of you and leave it at that. It is my job to protect her now and I will do it regardless of who gets hurt in the process. I'll warn you only once, Felicia; she is my first priority now."  
  
Jerking back at the intensity of his words, Felicia began shaking her head vehemently. "No Johnny, I won't say or do anything. I... I was just curious. You know I'm a private investigator and being curious just goes along with the job. You have my word; nothing that has been said in this room goes any further. It stops right here. I promise."  
  
"I'm sorry, Felicia. You're not the only one who owes her. And I don't like the way she's been treated lately. I didn't mean to take your head off like that."  
  
"It's ok, Johnny. I'm just grateful she finally does have somebody who cares about her enough to look out for her. Look, I'd like to be a friend to her too. You know, make up for not being around when she needed someone. So just feel free to call me anytime with whatever, ok?"  
  
"Thanks, Felicia. I'm a little out of my league on all of this, but I'm sticking with it. I'll let you know if I need anything else. Now, if you don't mind, could you go ahead and pack that suitcase for me. I'm kind of eager to get back."  
  
"Sure thing, Johnny. Be back in a few minutes. You   
  
know, it might not be a bad idea to take some of these personal things she has lying around and maybe a couple of pictures too. It would make her room feel more like home."  
  
It was a good idea Johnny thought as he watched Felicia leave the room. Looking around the room he saw several items he thought would be ok to take to the sanitarium. His gaze finally settled on a single picture of her sister, Kristina, sitting on the fireplace mantle. It was not grouped with any others, but set aside... alone; as though somehow mirroring how alone Alexis must have felt when her sister was unmercifully ripped from her life. Walking over and picking it up he remembered how much of a pest Kristina could be at times, but she was the one person who stood up and fought for Alexis no matter what the circumstance. He respected that about her. Watching the two of them together, no one could doubt how much they loved each other. Putting the picture back on the mantle he figured it was too soon for Alexis to be around anything that would cause her any pain.   
  
Rubbing both hands over his face, he shrugged his shoulders a couple of times to ease the knotting in his muscles then collected a few of the items around the room and carefully put them into the bag he brought in with him. Hearing Felicia re-enter the room, he reached for the suitcase she carried and then looking around once more led her back out into the hall outside of the apartment.  
  
"I appreciate all of your help Felicia. If I need anything else I'll call if that's ok with you."  
  
Placing her hand on his arm Felicia squeezed gently. "Johnny, take care of her and whatever you need, all you have to do is ask. I'll be around if you need me. I know I don't really have the right to ask, but if you could keep in touch and let me know how she's doing. I know you can't tell it by my actions, but I really do care about her."  
  
Johnny could see the sincerity in her eyes and allowed himself to smile and nod.  
  
"I'll let you know what I can, when I can. I'll be in touch about the maternity clothes in a few days. See you later, Felicia."  
  
"See ya, Johnny."  
  
Felicia watched Johnny walk down the hall until he was out of sight then cast a look back over her shoulder at the door of Alexis' apartment. Her shoulders sagged a bit at the realization that this was the first time she had been invited to Alexis' new home and she wished with all her heart that the circumstances were anything but what they were. She wanted desperately to help... needed to do something more for Alexis. But what could she do? Truth was, in the final analysis; there really wasn't anything more Felicia could do given the lack of familiarity between herself and Alexis. A lack that she herself could have prevented if she had just paid a little more attention... cared a little more for someone other than herself and her own problems.   
  
Felicia turned back toward the long hallway that Johnny disappeared down and slowly began to shuffle one foot in front of the other to follow him out as a weight of regret settled heavily on her shoulders and in her heart. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Johnny was already exhausted from his trip to Alexis' apartment, but he still needed to make two more stops before he could return to the sanitarium. Pulling away from her place he turned his truck toward his own home. He needed to pack up a few things and close up the place since he didn't have any idea how long he would be away. Taking a final look around, Johnny closed the door behind him and stood there for a moment as the weight of responsibility surrounding what he was agreeing to do for Alexis suddenly overcame him. Doubts began to filter through his mind as a war raged inside of him. And just as he was about to slip his key back into the lock a quiet voice from long ago filled his ears. "One day Johnny you will be asked to set aside all that you are to become all that someone else needs you to be in order to save their life. Don't let them down, Johnny boy. Remember my words and be the man I know you can be." Johnny choked back the emotion that welled up inside of him at the sound of the beloved voice. Closing his eyes he saw her face... saw the love in her eyes... and it was enough. Shoving the key into his pocket he shouldered his bag and turned to leave. Just before exiting the building he left an envelope containing a note to the landlord and a check to cover the rent for the next 3 months then walked away from his old life to begin his destiny... what he now considered to be the one true purpose of his life. This one soul who needed him and he would be there, right beside her, until she didn't need him anymore. And only then would he return to his own life knowing he would be a better man for having listened and followed when his heart charged him to hear a silent call for help from someone who would never have presumed to ask for something she needed so desperately.  
  
*********  
  
He was dreading his last stop, but knew there was no other choice. Alexis needed him to make this one last stop, whether she was aware of it or not and he wasn't going to let her down. Pulling up and stopping in front of the Harbor View Tower he pulled his cell phone out again and dialed the familiar number.  
  
"Sonny, it's Johnny. I'm downstairs in front of the tower and I need to talk to you. Would you mind meeting me for a few minutes? I wouldn't ask, but it's pretty important and I need to keep it quiet. I know I'm asking a lot, but like I said it's important and I think you'll want to hear what I have to tell you without taking any risk that we get overheard..."  
  
A moment of silence met his request on the other end of the phone. Johnny prayed Sonny wouldn't give him a hard time. He was just about to ask again when he heard a long sigh on the other end of the phone then a voice heavy with derision and veiled threat.  
  
"So you want me to come to you... Tell me something, Johnny. When have you ever known me to come running when a former employee summoned me?"  
  
"If it will help any, I know what I'm asking is a lot and from your view out-of-line, but I'm not asking for myself. Please Sonny, just hear me out... that's all I'm asking."  
  
Johnny waited another moment and when silence still hung heavy he played his last card.  
  
"Let me put it another way... you don't want to hear this from anyone else... and you don't want to be out somewhere and get surprised by it. You have my word that I'm not putting your or your family in any danger."  
  
Hearing another heavy sigh, Johnny finally smiled. He got through, Sonny would come.   
  
"Johnny, this had better be good. I'll be down in five."  
  
Disconnecting his phone, Johnny wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. The day he resigned as Sonny's bodyguard it was agreed between them that all ties would be immediately severed without any further contact with anyone who remained employed by Sonny. Because of his long service with Sonny and the integrity he showed in carrying out his daily service to his job, Johnny was allowed to walk away without incident. For him to now break his word and call Sonny to ask for a meeting... Johnny knew he was putting himself in a very precarious position. Something really dark happened to Sonny when Alexis moved out of the penthouse across from him and he was now more dangerous than Johnny had seen him in years. There was just no telling how Sonny would react at any given moment anymore under any circumstance.  
  
Jumping slightly as the door of his truck swung open, he looked over and saw two of the most unwelcoming pairs of eyes he could remember seeing in a long while. The thought crossed his mind before he could stop it. 'He needs you now more than ever, Alexis.' Shifting nervously he waited for Sonny to sit down next to him while Max, the bodyguard who replaced him, took a seat right behind him. The cold hard steal of Sonny's voice sent a chill down Johnny's spine.  
  
"Take a ride around the block a couple of times then head to the park on the other side of town. We should have total privacy there. And Johnny, like I said, this had better be good. You agreed not to contact me again. So, I'm guessing this must be pretty important for you to break your word."  
  
Sonny was in full crime lord mode and Johnny instantly reverted back to speaking to 'the boss' as he had when he was still his bodyguard.  
  
"If I felt there was any other choice, Mr. Corinthos, I would have taken it. But, this is something you need to hear from me and not overheard in someone else's conversation. Let me get to the park and we'll talk. I understand that you need Max close by, but what I need to tell you has to be kept confidential, so I am asking you to trust me just once more and leave Max out of this."  
  
Pearls of anger rested on Johnny as Sonny debated with himself for a moment before he growled an answer.  
  
"You're right, you are asking a lot. But, you were always loyal and I never had a reason to not trust you so I'm giving you a little leeway here. Just don't screw it up, Johnny."  
  
Silence hung like a dark cloud during the ride to the park. Johnny was sweating bullets and could feel Max's eyes boring into his back. Pulling up to the entrance of the park, Johnny looked around carefully checking for anything that looked out of the ordinary and not seeing anything he nodded once at Sonny then stepped out of the truck. Moving to stand in front of the truck he nervously waited for Sonny to finish giving Max some kind of instruction then led the way to a bench not far away. Once Sonny was seated, Johnny joined him.  
  
"Sonny, before I get to the reason I asked to speak to you, I need to tell you that I may say something that you might feel is too personal coming from me. Please, just hear me out though. I promise you my intent here is good. I... I need to know if you know where Miss Davis is right now?"  
  
An explosion of air left Sonny's lungs as he stood abruptly and took several paces away from Johnny. There was a raging fire burning deep inside of him and it had been there for the last month. She disappeared the day of Kristina's funeral and he hadn't tried to find her. She didn't want any part of him anymore and it tore at him every day since. Hearing Johnny ask him if he knew of her whereabouts took him by surprise and the fire inside instantly burned hotter. Returning to stand in front of Johnny, he stood with his legs apart, hands in his pockets with an unreadable expression on his face. He did not want Johnny to know how deeply he was affected by the question.  
  
"No Johnny, I don't know where she is. She let me know very emphatically that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I gave her what she wanted. Just what is your interest in Alexis?"   
  
Sonny was on edge. Johnny could see it. How many times had he seen Sonny switch faces when he was angry, unsure of himself or just plain scared. Looking at Sonny now, Johnny knew he was looking at a man who was lost... who needed to find his center... who needed 'his friend'.  
  
"Sonny, I watched you two become friends. I wasn't blind to what was going on between you. You two connected and you both accepted each other, faults and all."   
  
Johnny watched carefully as Sonny shifted from one foot to the other. He could tell by Sonny's face that he was getting angrier. Rushing to continue he hoped he could say enough to settle him down without being cold cocked before finishing.   
  
"Look Sonny, I told you I would say some personal things, but I need you to trust me and let me finish this. I know where she is and I think you need to know too."  
  
Sonny stilled. Staring at Johnny, he felt his heart jump. Johnny knew where she was. Closing the space between them nonchalantly Sonny sat down beside Johnny and looked off across the park grounds trying to appear as uninterested as he could.  
  
"Okay so where is she, Johnny?"  
  
Looking around the park helplessly Johnny knew there was no easy way to say it, so he stiffened his resolve and said it straight out.  
  
"She... she was admitted to Ferncliff Sanitarium a month ago. She's... sick."  
  
He didn't hear Johnny right. He couldn't have. Shaking his head to clear it, Sonny looked over at Johnny.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"She was admitted to Ferncliff a month ago."  
  
His fear, unbelief, anger catapulted him off the bench as rage took over. No, it was a lie. It wasn't possible. Not Alexis. She would never... No, Johnny was trying to get to him... trying to destroy him. Johnny knew... he knew what Sonny had desperately tried to hide for the last year. He knew what Alexis meant to him and now figured to use it against him. In an insane attempt to protect himself and his secrets, Sonny turned and attacked Johnny. He caught Johnny's throat between his hands and began choking him screaming crazy questions and accusations at Johnny totally oblivious to the fact that Johnny was losing consciousness.  
  
"What do you want from me, Johnny? You trying to take me down now? Did she send you here? I killed her sister and this is how she is going to pay me back. You're helping her aren't you? She hates me and is using you to get to me. You're dead, Johnny!"  
  
Sonny completely lost control. All rational thought escaped him. He didn't notice Max running toward him and fought relentlessly against the arms that circled him tightly pulling him off Johnny. He didn't notice that Johnny was slumped over unconscious from lack of air. All he saw was the fire raging within him. The white hot intensity of it consumed him, stealing the air from his own lungs. Falling heavily to the ground, Sonny grabbed his head with both hands as bolts of migraine lightening shot through him. He sat completely still while his lungs fought to capture the air that would allow him to breathe again. He needed to breathe... how many times did he tell her to breathe; coaxing her to slow down and just breathe. And now, ironically it was he who fought for every breath. He had to breathe for himself... for her. He had to somehow find the strength within himself to fight this battle... to fill his lungs with life if only to once again take up the never-ending task of keeping the fire inside from destroying that part of 'her' that still remained deep inside of him. 'She is strength... she is my strength. Alexis.'  
  
Johnny quickly came to with a little assistance from Max and dropped his head in his hands to recuperate from Sonny's attack. Concerned about his former boss, he raised his eyes and silently groaned at the torment he saw in the man. Laying his hand on Sonny's shoulder he shook him gently to get his attention.  
  
"Sonny, it was just too much for her and she escaped for awhile. We'll bring her back, I promise you. We'll bring her back."  
  
Sonny vaguely heard Johnny from far off. With borrowed strength he brought his mind and body under control. Standing slowly he sent Max back to the truck then sat back down beside Johnny arms hanging limply by his side. He didn't have the will to lift them.  
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny. I just... You said it, but I... I couldn't believe... I can't see her there. Not her. Not Alexis. Tell me, Johnny. Tell me what happened."  
  
Johnny could see that Sonny was hanging on by a thread. Never before had he seen Sonny this messed up. This wasn't normal. As much as he knew about Sonny and his relationship with Alexis, this was so much more than just what he witnessed between them when they were together. What he saw in Sonny in that moment... there was only one other time he witnessed that level of feeling between two people. Feelings like that don't come around very often. Sonny was drowning in denial and if what he suspected was true; so was Alexis. They could deny it all they wanted to, but Johnny now knew just how much their relationship had meant to both of them. It was sitting right here beside him and just a few miles away it was locked away in silent escape. They both finally found a way of escape and it was slowly destroying them. Johnny grieved for them both. But even as he grieved for the loss between them, Johnny smiled inwardly. Regardless of the reasons and mess surrounding their split they could find their way back to each other given the right motivation. And from what he just witnessed in Sonny... he knew he could now welcome another ally in helping Alexis come back. So he told Sonny what he knew regarding how she ended up at Ferncliff.  
  
"From what I understand after she left the funeral service she went home and Ned found her the next morning. She doesn't talk to anyone. She just sits there silent and unaware of anything around her. I have been going to see her everyday for the past month. Her doctor finally asked to see me today and we have put together a plan to try and bring her out of this. The reason I came to see you was to tell you that her doctor wants to see you."  
  
In a dead defeated voice Sonny questioned why. "Why would her doctor want to see me, Johnny? There is nothing I can do to help her, she made that very clear the last time I saw her."  
  
Shifting slightly to turn more toward Sonny, Johnny looked down at his hands then back up at Sonny. He hated what this was doing to Sonny, but with everything that had gone down between them, in his opinion Sonny had been a fool to let Alexis walk away. Looking at him now though, at what this was doing to him; well... no one should have to go through this kind of agony.  
  
"He asked me who I thought knew her better than anyone else and I told him you did. Look Sonny, I have to be able to talk to you about this without constantly being afraid for my life. So, I'm not going to tip toe around you anymore. The stakes are too high and she needs us to do whatever is necessary to bring her back."  
  
"It's ok, Johnny. I think I've got it under control now. So, you say you've seen her everyday? Why?" Sonny stopped for a moment as a thought occurred to him. "Wait a minute, this is why you quit, isn't it? You quit me so you could spend all your time with her."  
  
Seeing a hint of jealousy and anger in Sonny's eyes, Johnny quickly put a stop to the thoughts he knew were racing through Sonny's mind. He knew that part of Sonny's anger was because was Johnny had not come to him sooner.  
  
"That's only part of it, Sonny. I went to see Ashton when I heard what happened to ask if there was anything I could do and he told me that the best thing I could do for her was to get out of the business; to make my life as safe as possible. Alexis and I were kind of like friends on the side. She helped me a lot over the years and I need to repay her. So, my new job is being her companion and helping her come back to the world. And you know as well as I do that Alexis wouldn't want anyone to know where she is now. She's real private that way."  
  
"You're right. She wouldn't want anyone to know about this. So, you left me because that's what Alexis would have wanted you to do. She would have wanted you safe from me. That makes perfect sense somehow. Now you've made yourself her shadow."  
  
Sonny moved a couple of steps away then turned back with a guilt ridden sheepish grin.  
  
"I envy you your job. It should have been me. But, since I'm probably the one who put her there, I doubt she would welcome my visits anyway."  
  
Johnny watched Sonny kick at the ground a few times before getting back to the real reason he pulled Sonny out to the park.   
  
"Sonny, you can still help her. All you have to do is give the Doc what he needs. Go see him, Sonny. Tell him what you know about Alexis. I mean the kind of person she is. I'm sure he's got a lot of questions."  
  
Johnny stopped for a moment to make sure his words were right before continuing. He was about to step into a minefield and he needed to be real careful. "Sonny, there's one more thing you need to know and before I say it you have to remember that the only reason I am here right now is because I believe it's the right thing for me to do for Alexis. But, you need to know that the first time I see Carly on the grounds, I will get rid of her by any means necessary. I will not let Carly anywhere near Alexis."  
  
Lifting his head quickly to glare at Johnny, Sonny saw the determination in his face. Johnny meant what he said. He would protect Alexis at all cost, even if it cost him his life.  
  
"Johnny, I'm not too fond of people attacking my wife. You know that and making a statement like the one you just made leads me to believe that there's something here you're not telling me. Did Carly do something to Alexis? Don't hold out on me, Johnny. I have to know. What did Carly do?"  
  
Gazing out toward the woods on the other side of the park Johnny heaved a sigh. 'How much do I tell him?' And will he go ballistic on me again?' He mentally shrugged his shoulders and jumped in with both feet.   
  
"Sonny, the verbal abuse that Alexis has suffered at the hands of Carly the past few months was enough to put any normal average person in Ferncliff. But, Alexis has never been your average person, and the abuse from Carly on top of everything else that has happened, well I think it just all became too much. Most of the time Alexis was able to let the abuse roll off her back, but since she found out she was pregnant Carly's abuse has doubled. Do you remember the fall Alexis took outside of Kelly's the night of Carly's homecoming party?"  
  
"Yeah, she said she slipped."  
  
"But, you questioned it. I saw the look on your face. You looked at Carly like you thought she may have had something to do with it but you let it go. I saw what happened and so did Jason. Sonny, that fall did not originate entirely by Alexis."  
  
"Wait a minute. What are you telling me? Alexis wasn't pregnant when that happened. She said she had the flu or something. Johnny?"  
  
Realizing too late that he said too much, Johnny's head fell heavily toward his chest. 'Well, it was going to come out anyway, best Sonny be prepared for it.'  
  
"She left the party and went to the hospital. I followed her to make sure she was ok. I didn't know then that she was pregnant, but she began going real regular to the doctor. She changed her daily routine and then stopped representing you. It was when she decided to move that I finally figured it out. For Alexis to make those kinds of changes after everything you two had been through together, I knew something was up. So I did a little checking on my own and found out she was pregnant."  
  
Standing quickly, Sonny began pacing back and forth. His eyes darted back and forth as he began processing the information Johnny was giving him with the changes he witnessed himself in Alexis. Stopping in front of Johnny he peered at him intently and laid out the conclusions he finally came to.  
  
"So... I spend the night with her, I walk out on her, she finds out she's pregnant with my child, she figures out Zander was beaten up on my orders, and her sister dies because someone's coming after me. Did I leave anything out?"  
  
Sonny needed to know all of it if he was going to be able to do what needed to be done. So Johnny took another deep breath before he allowed himself to free the words that would destroy Sonny's little fairytale world.  
  
"Yes, Sonny. There's one more thing you need to know and it's going to be rough on you. But, you need to know it all."  
  
"What more can there be? The best friend I ever had is pregnant with my child, she's currently in a mental hospital fighting for her sanity and the one person who could probably go in there and bring her right out of it is lying dead in a cemetery because of her sister's association with me. Tell me, what more can there be?"  
  
"Carly knows the baby is yours and has known for a couple of months at least."  
  
"What?" The simple question muttered so quietly took the ground right out from under him. Staggering backward, Sonny lost his focus and would have fallen had Johnny not caught him.  
  
"I overheard her talking to Alexis in the penthouse corridor one afternoon. There is no mistake. I'm sorry Sonny, but Carly has known for a while."  
  
Sonny walked away from Johnny. He needed air... space. He felt like he was trapped in a box and couldn't move... couldn't get out... couldn't breathe. Thinking of Alexis he wondered if this was what she felt like when she went home that night and simply allowed herself to drift into space. He could certainly understand it, because right now all he wanted was out. He wanted desperately to stop the insanity of his own life.   
  
Everything she said to him outside Kristina's hospital room the night she died was right. He was poison. Death did follow him. Why wasn't he the one lying beneath a white sheet?  
  
Shrugging his shoulders against the ache in his muscles he walked back to Johnny.  
  
"Johnny, go take care of her. I'll go see her doctor tomorrow. Tell Max to call a cab and then join me here in a few minutes. I need some time alone. You go to her. Just go and take care of Alexis."  
  
Johnny began walking back toward the truck and stopped suddenly. Turning back to Sonny, he quietly called out to him.  
  
"Sonny? You called Alexis your best friend."  
  
Sonny looked up and frowned in confusion.  
  
"Yeah, so what?"  
  
"Are you sure that's all she is to you? You might want to give it some thought before you go see the doc."  
  
Staring unwaveringly at Johnny, Sonny let his words sink in. How totally blind can one man be, he asked himself. He knew in that one solitary moment that Alexis in a few short years had become his measure; a measure by which he began to gauge his every action. She somehow became a part of his soul. When she left him everything began to fall apart. All he accomplished personally during his time with her began to melt away and he was left having to look at himself through Carly's eyes. Feeling the bile rise into his throat he turned his back on Johnny as he sank to his knees and retched.  
  
Johnny couldn't stand it any longer. He hated seeing Sonny like this. Walking back to him, he pulled his handkerchief from his back pocket. Kneeling beside Sonny he offered it to the man who at one time he respected more than anyone else.  
  
"It's not too late, Sonny. You still have time to make a difference of your own. She needs you now. Please, don't let her down. I have to get back to her now, but I need to know if you're gonna be ok."  
  
Grabbing hold of Johnny, Sonny rose to his feet. Hiding his face from Johnny he patted him on the arm a couple of times.  
  
"I'll be fine, Johnny. You go, take care of her. I'll handle all of the expenses for her. You just concentrate on her." Sonny turned and walked away. Halting a few steps away from Johnny, without turning back to him Sonny made a final request of him.   
  
"Johnny, I'm sure you know there's more to my relationship with her than I am willing to admit right now. But, I need... will you keep me informed of her progress? I need to know what's going on with her, Johnny. Please."  
  
"I'll call when I can, Sonny. You have my word."  
  
With that one last promise to a man who stood on the brink of his own brand of darkness, Johnny turned and slowly walked away with a heart heavier than he ever imagined it could be. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
Entering the parking lot of the sanitarium, Johnny pulled to a stop and shut off the motor. He sat for a few minutes trying to collect his thoughts. He needed to be able to give Alexis his full attention, but knew that before he could do that he needed to put to rest the events of the day.  
  
Regrettably he had turned Sonny's world upside down today. No, that was being too kind. Johnny knew that in the space of just a couple of hours he did what no other enemy had ever been able to do to Sonny Corinthos. And that was to totally annihilate his sense of worth, his peace of mind, his ability to function rationally and the newly found tenuous trust he placed in the woman he called his wife. Johnny single handedly took down arguably the most dangerous, calculating, richest man in the world of organized crime. Johnny knew that until Alexis was well and back in Port Charles, Sonny would be useless to his organization and to anyone else who needed anything from him... except for Michael, his son. Johnny didn't want to leave Sonny in the park to face his crumbling world alone, but there was nothing more he could do for Sonny now, except take care of the one woman who in that same two hours once again became the center of Sonny's world. Opening the door and stepping down onto the pavement, Johnny realized that he was now responsible for the care of two lives.   
  
Reaching into the bed of the truck he picked up Alexis' suitcase and his own duffel bag and headed toward the front door of the sanitarium. As he walked he unconsciously drew his shoulders back and lifted his head slightly. His new purpose in life had just become so much more significant. He physically felt the responsibility for the two lives he felt charged to care for. He would not fail them. He would see this thing through to the end and in the end both Alexis and Sonny would come out of this mess whole. It was a promise he made to himself on their behalf.   
  
Entering the building, he stopped at the front desk and asked the receptionist if Alexis Davis had been moved yet.  
  
"May I ask who you are, sir? We don't give out information to just anyone. We have to think of the welfare of our patients. I'm sure you understand."  
  
He heard the tone of impatient annoyance in her voice and chose to ignore it. Maybe she was just having a bad day or something.  
  
"Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Sorry. I'm Johnny and Dr. Collins can vouch for me being here. I'll be staying with Miss Davis for a while."  
  
The receptionist who had not looked up once since Johnny stepped up to her desk became instantly flustered when she heard him introduce himself. She was told earlier by her supervisor that Miss Davis' companion was to be treated with the utmost respect and given anything he needed without hesitation. Those were Dr. Collins orders and one didn't question or ignore an order given by Dr. Collins. Standing quickly and reaching out to shake Johnny's hand she accidentally hit the can of Diet Coke that was in front of her sending it flying toward Johnny.  
  
Stepping quickly out of the way of the oncoming spill, Johnny laughed a bit self-consciously. His reception was anything but normal this time, but of course he was arriving later than usual and this particular girl was not familiar to him. Reaching out he picked up the coke can and set it back down upright then let his gaze fall once again on the girl who was stuttering so much it was hard to understand her.  
  
"Uhh... I... dddiddn't kknow wwwho you wwwwere. I... I'm ssssorry."  
  
Wanting to put the girl at ease, Johnny gently interrupted her. Looking at her nametag he spoke calmly to her.  
  
"Dee, it's ok. No problem. Really it's fine. I'm guessing you've already been told I was coming to stay with Miss Davis. So, I'll be on my way if you'll just point me in the right direction."  
  
Paying a little more attention to the man standing in front of her, Dee nearly lost her composure again at the sight of the most virile man she had ever laid eyes on. Gorgeous just simply didn't adequately describe the hunk standing in front of her. Feeling the goose bumps rise on her arms she fidgeted with the papers on her desk for a moment in an attempt to calm her nerves and hopefully appear a little older than she actually was. When she felt a bit steadier she looked back up at Johnny and smiled sweetly.  
  
"I would be more than happy to take you to Miss Davis' new quarters if you like. It would be easier than trying to explain how to get there."  
  
Taking a step back at the unadulterated lust in the girl's eyes, Johnny blushed profusely. He did notice when he stepped up to the desk that she was rather cute, but his focus was firmly planted on a much more beautiful woman he was trying to get to and simply didn't have any time to waste.  
  
"That would be fine, Dee. But, I need to hurry. Can you just leave the desk unattended or do you have to call someone to cover for you. I mean, I don't want to sound rude, but I need to check on Miss Davis as soon as possible."  
  
Well, that takes care of that Dee thought. The guy was telling her very effectively that he was not interested. Sure was a waste though to have such a delicious fantasy shot down before it ever got off the ground.  
  
"I'll just lock the door for a few minutes and take you on up. It won't take but a couple of minutes since she's not that far from here. Come on, I'll show you."  
  
Dee reached down to press a button underneath her desktop and Johnny instantly heard the door behind him lock. Watching her climb the stairs then turn toward the eastern corridor he followed silently hoping she wouldn't pull him into conversation. His focus was totally on Alexis now and he didn't have time to play around with little girls who had stars in their eyes.  
  
Turning the final corner, Johnny immediately noticed a change in the décor around him. He was now in an area of the sanitarium that looked more like a hotel. Pleased that Alexis was no longer forced to reside in the dull grayness of her previous accommodations he drew to a stop just behind Dee at a door that hosted one small circular privacy window.  
  
"Here you are Johnny. Miss Davis was moved here about an hour ago. Our normal dinnertime will be in an hour unless there were special arrangements made and I'm told that you would know if any were. Here is your key to the suite and I'll just leave you to settle in on your own now."  
  
Watching Dee walk away he raised his voice slightly to thank her then turned back to the door in front of him missing the wave of Dee's hand as she disappeared from sight. Lowering his head slightly as he studied the key in his hand, he thought to himself. 'Ok Johnny boy, this is it. This is your life now for as long as she needs you. Nothing less than your best will do. Not only is she counting on you, but so is Sonny. So let's get busy.'  
  
Sliding the key into the lock, Johnny turned it slowly and pushed the door open. Entering the room he curiously looked around. It appeared to be a small dining space. It was a nice room; decorated in tans and yellows with plants scattered around. He thought how similar the colors were to Alexis' home. Jumping slightly at the sound of someone entering the room he relaxed as he saw Joy Martelli walking toward him. He met Joy the first day he came to Ferncliff to see Alexis. She was the nurse assigned for Alexis' personal care and he couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was.  
  
"Hi Johnny, you're a little earlier than I expected, but it's fine. I just finished settling Alexis in the living room. I see by her new schedule that she is to have dinner in an hour. So if you don't mind I'll leave her in your care for just a moment while I go get her tray. And once she's eaten then I'll get her settled for the evening so you can do the same."  
  
Johnny shyly glanced at her before dropping his duffle bag and Alexis' suitcase.  
  
"Thanks, Joy. How did she do today?"  
  
Drawing closer to Johnny, Joy gazed at him compassionately upon hearing the hesitant hope in his voice.  
  
"There's no change yet, Johnny. I'm sorry. But, remember, the new meds were only started this morning. It's really too soon to expect a change. Give it a couple of days. Dr. Collins is going to keep a very close eye on her and so am I. You do your best to hold up your end of our little arrangement here and we'll do our best to hold up ours and if we all do the best that we can, and that includes Alexis, then we will all reap the benefit we are so hoping for."  
  
Joy hesitated just long enough for Johnny's eyes to meet hers then she leaned just a bit closer lowering her voice to a quiet whisper and tried her best to further reassure him.  
  
"We'll pull her through this Johnny, just you wait and see." Lightly tapping his arm comfortingly, Joy left the room.   
  
Watching her leave Johnny felt a spark of panic race through him as he turned back toward the room where he would find Alexis. Holding still once more he reassured himself that he could do this. Stepping forward he turned the corner that led to the living area and saw her sitting on the sofa staring straight ahead. He quietly walked over and sat down cautiously beside her. Hesitating a bit he considered what to do first. Raising his eyes to her face he gently touched her arm and began moving his hand back and forth against her skin.  
  
"Hey Alexis, it's me Johnny. Looks like you're going to be stuck with me for a while. How's that for a real humdinger. Just me and you together; who would have ever thought we'd get thrown together like this. And guess what, I did it. I really did it. I finally got wise and quit my job. What do you think of that? And now that I don't have anything better to do, I thought maybe I'd just start hanging out with you. Hope that's ok with you. But, if it's not, I won't know it unless you tell me. So I guess it's up to you now."  
  
Moving his hand to lay on her abdomen just where he thought the baby would be, he began to caress the child. Immediately feeling quite intrusive he quickly removed his hand as he wondered how he was going to be able to accomplish this particular task without feeling like he was abusing her trust or something. An idea suddenly presented itself and he slowly reached over and took Alexis' hand and gently guided it to lay where his had been. Holding her hand beneath his he again started to caress the child. He smiled at his ingenuity, satisfied that it was Alexis herself who now caressed the child. Remembering the Doc's advice, Johnny leaned a little closer and whispered.  
  
"Hey peanut, my name is Johnny. Don't you worry none about me being here. Your mom and I are friends. I'm just hanging out here for a while to help you guys out and I thought maybe you and I should probably get to know one another a little better." Sliding his eyes up towards Alexis he included her in the conversation. "That ok with you, Alexis? You mind me getting to know your daughter?"  
  
Watching for any sign of recognition, Johnny let go of her hand, but left it lying against her abdomen. Any touch he could provide the child would be good even if it were inadvertent.  
  
"You know counselor, I'm going to have to come up with some way of filling our time together. It won't do to just sit here and stare at each other. I brought some of your law books in to read to you. That could get pretty weird for me considering my former career. I would love to know what you find so interesting about the law that you would devote your life to it much less be known all over the country as one of the best. There's just so many rules and stuff to keep straight. Guess that's why I like hanging on the side of everything... it's simple. Things tend to get more complicated when you start adding a lot of rules. Just give me a job and tell me what's expected up front and don't go changing things around a lot. Guess that's why I did good as a bodyguard. My job was simple... protect the man. Nothing to think about... no hard decisions to figure out... just protect the man. Not really living though, is it? More like just existing. Aw listen to me go off... just putting a lot of garbage out there just to hear myself talk. Let's change the subject, okay?"  
  
It wasn't often that Johnny let go of his private thoughts. In his mind it just wasn't worth the hassle. He had seen and done too much to start questioning himself now. He silently berated himself for letting go of such negative thoughts around Alexis.  
  
"Why don't we make a pact right here and right now, partner? How about we agree to not talk about or let anything negative come into this place until you're ready for it? How's that?" Knowing he would not get a response, he answered for them both. "Good, then we're agreed. No negative around Johnny and Alexis."  
  
Johnny sat and talked to Alexis for the next hour and frequently forced her to caress her child. He became so engrossed in talking to her and the child that he didn't notice Joy return with a dinner tray for Alexis. Standing easily and confidently when Joy entered the room he was suddenly amazed at how comfortable he now felt with Alexis.   
  
"Hi Joy, looks like it's time for dinner. I'll leave you to it if you don't mind and go get settled in my room. I need to take a shower and grab a bite to eat myself. How long do you think you'll need before you need me back here?"  
  
"Take your time Johnny. I'll be here until you get back. There is a small kitchenette down that hall right there and it's stocked. Go take care of what you need and I'll settle Miss Davis for the night. When it's time, just guide her into her room and put her into bed. No sudden movements... just lay her down and cover her. She'll go right to sleep."  
  
Smiling at the warmth and care he heard in Joy's voice he ducked his head shyly trying to find the words to say thanks to her.  
  
"It's kind of weird the way she's not aware of anything around her, but she eats when it's time and she sleeps when you lay her down. Doesn't really make a lot of sense, does it?"  
  
Joy smiled at the gentleness she heard in Johnny's voice. The richness of his devotion to Alexis touched her deeply. She was curious about Johnny. Where did he come from? What was it that inspired him to be so gentle with her? What happened in his life to cause such sadness to be reflected in his eyes; a sadness that only dissipated when in the company of Alexis Davis? Her thoughts were broken when she heard his quiet shy voice reach out to her.   
  
"Uh, you've been great with her, Joy. I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of her. I don't know what I would have done if she had been given one of those people who call themselves a nurse but are just in it for the money. She deserves so much more than that. And you're giving it to her. I just... ". Words failed him as his gratitude for what she was doing for Alexis overcame him. He finally whispered, "Just thank you."   
  
Setting the tray down on the coffee table in front of Alexis, she reached over and placed a light touch on Alexis' arm before standing back up to face Johnny. His eyes were shyly lifting to meet hers and in that moment she knew. It was okay to tell him why she was here. She knew it in her heart. She didn't know why she was so convinced that she could trust him, but she knew Johnny would hold her secret just as safe as she did.  
  
"Johnny, I wasn't assigned to Miss Davis. When I saw her brought in that first day, I couldn't believe it. But, I knew that I wasn't about to let anyone else in this place take care of her. If she had to be here... if something 'out there' had hurt her so badly that she ended up here with us; then she would get the best we could give her... she would get the best that 'I" could give her. So, I asked Dr. Collins if I could be her personal nurse and once I explained why, he agreed without question. I am allowed to tend to her care every day in return for his silence concerning the reason I wanted to take care of her. You see, I owe her."  
  
Recognizing that there was more to this than he should probably know, Johnny tried to cut her off.  
  
"Joy, it's not necessary to tell me why. It is enough for me to know that Alexis has someone who genuinely cares about her working with her."  
  
"No, I want you to know. I want you to be reassured that Alexis will always be my first priority here... her needs will always come before my own while she is in my care. You see, Alexis saved the life of my father not too long ago. He was wrongly accused of embezzlement a few years ago and was convicted. They sentenced him to quite a few years in the worst prison you can imagine. In his first week there, he was brutally beaten and left for dead. He wouldn't play along with their game, if you know what I mean. I had to get him out of there so I started looking for someone to represent him that would care about him and not just the fees they could get out of his case. My father was more than a case number, but that's how he was treated; just a case number to be dealt with and put away. I heard about Miss Davis. I read all the stories about how she kept Sonny Corinthos out of jail time and time again. And every time I saw their picture in the paper or in the news... I don't know, she just had this look about her. She cared about what happened to him. He wasn't just a client. I decided I wanted her to represent my father, so I went to see her and asked if she would take over his case. She was so warm... kind. I didn't think there were any really kind people left in the world. I told her I didn't have any money to pay her, but she said not to worry about it and that she would look into the whole mess pro bono. Well, she did and it wasn't a week later that my father was released from prison. She saved my father's life and got him his job back. So you see, I owe her so much more than I could possibly repay her in a lifetime."  
  
Johnny couldn't help the smile that peeked out in pride for a woman who time after time proved she cared for all people and their right to be treated fairly.  
  
"That sounds so like her. She was always fighting for the underdog, the wrongly accused. In fact, she fought for anyone she felt was getting a raw deal. I have admired her for so long. I guess maybe I have a bit of a schoolboy crush on her." His head once again ducked shyly as he prepared to leave her company. "Well, I guess I had best get to that shower."  
  
Walking toward the door to his room he suddenly remembered the suitcase he brought for Alexis.  
  
"By the way, I brought some of her own clothes so we could get her out of the hospital garb. I left her bag by the door."  
  
****************  
  
A little more than two hours later Johnny lay in bed rehashing the events of the day. He was totally exhausted. Who knew such a change in lifestyle could be so demanding. Alexis was in bed now and Joy quickly left after reassuring him she would be back at 7:00 in the morning with Alexis' breakfast and to dress her for the day. Glancing over toward the bedside table, he checked to make sure that the monitor connecting him to Alexis' room was working then turned over and allowed himself to finally rest. It had been a good day and he felt good about himself. Smiling with content, he slept. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

When the cab arrived at the park just after Johnny left. Sonny sat down next to Max in the back seat and told the driver to take him to the Port Charles Hotel. Acknowledging the question that was apparent on Max's face, Sonny informed him of what he wanted him to do immediately on their return.

"Max, once the driver let's me out at the hotel, I want you to go back to the penthouse. Letitia was supposed to take Michael to the park today so you won't have to worry about him. I'll call Bobby and have her meet Letitia there. She and Michael will stay with Bobby tonight. Pack up Carly and get her out of my home. I don't care how you do it. If she wants to know why, tell her I know about the baby and I know how long she has known. Once she is out, have the locks changed. I don't want to see any evidence of her at all when I walk back into the penthouse. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yeah boss, I got it. I'll handle it as quickly as possible. You should be able to return first thing in the morning."

Entering his hotel room a few minutes later, Sonny walked to the window and stood quietly staring down at the activity below without really seeing it. His thoughts were miles away centered on one woman… the only woman he ever completely trusted. He had trusted her with not only his secrets, but he lay open his soul for her and she accepted him. She took everything into her heart and locked it away for safekeeping. At least until her sister's funeral when she used it all to attack him. He knew exactly what she was doing in that moment. She did everything she knew to do to protect herself from him, from allowing herself to be hurt by him again. Alexis knew him well enough to know that after her rant against him that he would grant her wish and leave her alone.

He wanted to help her at Kristina's funeral. He knew she was in trouble; he had been with her after she was rescued from the clutches of Helena Cassadine. The memory came back to him easily. He remembered telling her that she wasn't fine, that she was still carrying it all. He calmly listened to her rail against the inadequacy of her apartment and finally settled her hatred on one solitary vase. 

Picking it up he held it out to her and told her to break it. Smiling slightly he could again see the expression on her face. She looked at him as though he had lost his mind and when he pressed her again to break the vase she refused. Knowing she needed the release he pushed her harder. Finally, totally exasperated with him she grabbed the vase from him and threw it to the floor laughing unbelievably at what she allowed herself to do. From there it escalated until she had finally admitted her hatred of Helena and how scared the woman made her feel all of her life. Sitting down beside her he had folded her into his arms while she cried.

Pulling his hands out of his pockets Sonny wrapped them around himself and let the memory of how she felt in his arms that night wash over him. He felt like her protector then... that in some small way he was able to give something back to her. He would have done anything to keep her safe from the horror of that time in her life. When it was all over he had to face the fact that he wasn't able to save her… wasn't there to pull her free of the dangerous manipulations of an obsessed psychopath. But he was there to take her home and give her what comfort he could. Now, all he felt was empty. His friend was in trouble again and here he stood miles away from her knowing that he was part of why she was now in trouble.

Friend. The word came so easily. In happier times they both used it consistently to reassure each other that no matter what, there was always one person that they could count on. Friend. It became the single most important word to Sonny. It meant he wasn't alone. Someone cared about him. Really cared. She cared... she cared enough about him to stand by him, to fight for him whether she agreed with him or not. Friend.

****

"You were the last person I thought I'd care about and I do. Actually a lot."

Walking away from the window, Sonny lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. In his mind he placed Alexis and Carly side by side. His stomach immediately felt revulsion at allowing Carly to stand so close to Alexis, even if it were only in his mind. It was impossible to compare the two. Alexis was on a higher plane than Carly could ever hope to attain. Alexis was heart and soul... class and refinement. She was warmth, compassion and love.

Was. Was? Bolting upright to sit on the side of the bed, Sonny beat his hands against his head. Not was... she IS. She IS all of those things and so much more. Sonny felt such a longing sweep through him that he curled up and fell back down onto the bed. Why didn't he allow himself to see it before? He hid what he really felt for her behind that one word. 

Friend. It was safe there. To love Alexis meant change. He knew that she would not ask it of him, but loving Alexis Davis was an honor and if he admitted he loved her then he himself would require the change. She needed a man she could depend on to be with her for a lifetime. She needed a man who loved her enough to give her anything she desired in her heart. And Sonny knew that deep in her heart Alexis wanted him out of the organization that constantly put him and those he loved in danger. She would never have asked it of him, would never have brought up the subject. Her voice quietly filled the recesses of his mind as he remembered another time...

****

"I'm your attorney. And as your attorney there have been any number of times where naming names would have saved a lot of legal wear and tear. It was never an option for me to ask you to turn state's evidence."

Alexis would never ask him to break the code she knew he lived by. She loathed his code, but it was a part of who he was and she accepted it because she accepted him. **'I can.' ** Two small words uttered one evening quietly and with conviction as he explained that he couldn't change and no one could accept that part of him. She simply raised her hand and said **'I can.'** Those two small words filled him with relief. They soothed him as nothing else had in such a long time. Those two words also filled him with something else that he could only now recognize. Hope. With Alexis there was hope. 

The last few months had been hell. He thought the important decisions he was making on a daily basis were right for everyone concerned. He meandered through each day taking care of this problem, that problem... this call, that call. Never questioning whether he was making the right decisions or not. But, how can you make good decisions when there is no hope left in your life. He walked away from his hopes and dreams the last time he returned to Carly. 

****

"I'm not giving up... I'm just breathing." 

He did not fight to stay with Alexis. Didn't realize it was an option that was open to him. He had hidden behind his 'friend' so long he did not recognize what was within his reach… what he was giving up on... what he walked away from. And as always, she tried to make it easier for him...

****

"Go home, Sonny. Be with your wife. I'm fine." 

Rising from the bed Sonny walked back over to the window. The sun was beginning to set now. Soon darkness would fill the room. He welcomed the darkness, waited for it. Under the cover of darkness he could hide. Reaching toward the phone he picked it up and dialed room service. He ordered two bottles of scotch to be sent up immediately. Tonight he would drink himself to sleep and tomorrow he would go to Ferncliff. Even though he felt in his heart that she would not want him near her, he would not abandon her again. He would do what he could to help. If sharing their secrets would help her now, he would do it. 

__________________

Early the next morning Sonny stood in the shower allowing cold water to wash away the effects of his night of drinking. His senses were dull and he was suffering from a raging migraine headache. Stepping from the shower he toweled off, put on the robe that hung on the back of the bathroom door and again called room service. He needed a bottle of aspirin and something to settle his stomach. Once he placed his breakfast order he called Max.

"Max, Did you take care of what I asked you to?"

"Yeah boss, it's all taken care of. Michael is with Bobbie and Carly has been removed from the penthouse. She kind of went crazy..."

"I don't care to hear how it went, Max. Thanks for taking care of it for me. I need you to bring me a change of clothes. Call Dr. Kevin Collins and tell him I will be there in a couple of hours. And Max, under no circumstances are you to repeat anything you have heard regarding Miss Davis to anyone at anytime."

"Sure boss. You have my word. I'll be there within the hour."

Hanging up the phone, Sonny sat down heavily on the bed. He felt an initial sense of relief, which was quickly replaced by dread. This wasn't over with yet. He knew Carly well enough to know that she wouldn't give up without a fight. She would come at him hard and he wasn't ready for it yet. He wasn't ready to deal with Carly. His first priority was Alexis. Looking at his watch he silently urged Max to hurry. He needed to see Alexis. 

***************

Arriving at Ferncliff three hours later, Sonny was escorted to Kevin Collins office and asked to wait since the doctor was currently on an emergency consult. Sonny paced back and forth in the waiting room while Max stood guard just outside the door. Startled from his musings, he turned abruptly as the doctor entered the waiting room.

Kevin was infuriated at the way he had been summoned for this little meeting and he was equally angered that Sonny Corinthos had brought a bodyguard with him. Leading Sonny into his office he noticed Max move closer. Drawing to a standstill he faced Sonny with a menacing stare.

"You may not care enough about the patients of this facility to leave your world outside the gates, but I do. The next time you come here, 'if' I allow another visit you will leave your bodyguard at home. If you have any kind of situation following you around that requires a constant bodyguard then you are not welcome here. Do we understand each other, Mr. Corinthos?"

Settling into the stance that most depicted who he thought he was, Sonny quietly addressed the doctor. 

"You need to be a little less rude and a little more respectful, doc. No one tells me where I go or who I go with."

"Is this the man Alexis knew you to be? I find it hard to believe that she would align herself with someone who would show so little regard for her welfare. This is not about you. I have a patient who willingly took herself away from the world. She did this to herself. I need to know why. The only reason I answered your summons was to get information on my patient. If I feel that by having you here would be more detrimental than helpful to her then I will not hesitate in having you banned from this institution. Like I said, this is not about you. I need to find a way to bring Alexis back whole and full of the life I know she is capable of. Now, do I have your cooperation or not? The decision is up to you."


	6. Chapter 6

****

Chapter 6

Refusing to show Kevin the shame his words brought about, Sonny nodded his dismissal to Max. Once Max left the room Sonny followed Kevin into his office. Seating himself he answered the question that Kevin left hanging in the silence following his rant.

"No, this is not the man Alexis knew. That man died about four months ago."

Choosing not to pursue the statement, Kevin redirected the conversation so that he was in control of it.

"I have been told that you know Alexis more than anyone else. Is that true?"

"Yes, we have a connection that most people spend their lives trying to find with someone else. We didn't plan it. It just happened. She once said that we worked hard to become friends. And it's true. We both needed a friend we could count on... trust."

"Did she feel she could tell you anything she wanted or needed to?"

"Yes. And did. She told me everything, whether I wanted to hear it or not. She was always jumping me for getting into one difficult situation after another. But, she never gave up on me... until the last time."

"Did she have other friends?"

"She had a girlfriend once who was murdered. Her name was Chloe. There's Jasper Jacks, but he doesn't come around much anymore. He and I never got along and I guess its best he didn't come around much since we always fought around Alexis."

"Is that it? One dead friend, a friend who no longer comes around and you?"

Sonny eyed the doctor suspiciously. 

"What are you getting at? You think it's my fault she doesn't have more friends."

"No, but I find it quite interesting that you would jump to that assumption. Tell me something. From the conversation so far, I have concluded that Alexis gave more to the relationship than you did. Would you say that was a fair assessment?"

Sonny stood and walked over to the window. He faced the south lawn and took in the beautiful view. There were rock gardens scattered around the lawn with flower beds full of different varieties of roses, tulips and wild flowers; picnic tables and benches were scattered about underneath a few massive oak trees that looked to be offering safety as well as shade from the sun. 

"Sonny?"

Just as he started to turn back to his seat he caught sight of a familiar figure. It was Johnny. He watched intently as Johnny approached a patient and sit down on the ground beside her. Sonny noticed him reach up and take hold of the patient's hand and gently move it to lay against her stomach. Centering his focus on the patient he choked on a sob as he recognized her. **_Alexis._** Grabbing hold of the window frame to steady himself he closed his eyes as one single tear escaped his control.

Kevin, becoming instantly alert at Sonny's reaction to whatever he was seeing outside, rushed to his side. Not knowing what to expect given the man's business he searched the lawn until he caught sight of what drew Sonny's attention. Placing his hand under Sonny's arm to support him he waited until the man composed himself.

Turning slightly he urged Sonny to sit back down.

"No. I need to see her."

"Are you alright, Sonny?"

"She's the one in trouble, not me."

"Well, I would say from the response you just had that... one: you look to be in a bit of trouble yourself and two: you actually do care a great deal for Alexis."

Hanging his head, Sonny nodded affirmatively.

"More than I realized."

Catching sight again of what Johnny was doing he asked Kevin about it.

Glancing back out, Kevin realized what Sonny was questioning.

"Johnny's job is not only to care for Alexis but for the child as well. The child needs contact and since the mother is unable to on her own at this point, Johnny is doing it for her. He told me this morning that it felt too intrusive to caress the child himself, so he takes Alexis' hand and forces her to caress the child. When he talks to Alexis he includes the child in the conversations. We are simply trying to take care of the child for Alexis until she is able to do it for herself."

Dropping his head again Sonny quietly spoke for the first time what he now accepted in his heart.

"It should be me out there with her. It's my child."

Kevin was stunned at the admission from the man standing beside him. With that one admission Kevin knew that the problems that faced Alexis went so much deeper than he originally thought.

"Sonny, please come back to your seat, we need to talk some more."

Sonny looked back up and rested his eyes once again on the woman who was carrying his child.

"Could we finish this out there? I need to… see her..."

Suddenly understanding a little more of the problem, Kevin reached toward the phone and dialed a number.

"Joy? How much longer does Alexis have for outdoor time? … Thank you." 

Placing his hand on Sonny's shoulder he gently led him to the door and the two men walked outside to find a place to sit close enough to Alexis to satisfy Sonny; but far enough away so that they couldn't be heard. Kevin didn't have any way of knowing how fast the medication would begin to do its intended job for Alexis. And he wasn't willing to risk any kind of recognition and possible relapse.

Sonny allowed his hungry eyes to take in every aspect of her. He desperately wanted to touch her. He was close enough to see the blankness in her beautiful eyes and it tore at him. He was so engrossed in his perusal of her he didn't realized he had begun to walk towards her. Trying to shake off the hand that restrained him he suddenly found his vision of her interrupted by Kevin.

"I will not let you disturb her. You may sit quietly with me here or you will be escorted from the premises. She is too fragile right now. Remember, this is about her."

"Sorry, doc. You're right. I just wanted..."

"I know. Come on, sit down over here with me."

As both men settled onto the bench, Sonny made sure the line of sight connecting him to her was not hindered in any way. He noticed Johnny turn and catch sight of them and wave briefly. Lifting his own hand he put a finger to his lips to warn Johnny not to tell her he was there.

"When did you fall in love with her, Sonny?"

Jerking slightly at the question, he turned his attention to Kevin but never took his eyes from Alexis.

"I don't use the word love in the same sentence with Alexis. It's safer not to."

"For her safety or for yours?"

"Both."

"I don't follow."

"Why would I willingly open her up to the dangers of my life and open myself up to a life of wanting something I know I can't have?"

For the first time since Sonny walked into his office, Kevin realized that there was more than one patient involved in this case and neither one of them knew it. Alexis would never be whole until Sonny was and Sonny would never be whole until Alexis was. He was walking a very thin line here and knew things could get quite intense.

"Sonny, tell me what Alexis saw in you that inspired such loyalty in her?"

"I'm not sure I can get into it that deep with you. You're tap dancing on the very foundation of why we became so close and that's something I hold very close. I don't want it torn apart and trampled on."

"That's not what I want to do. I have to understand her frame of mind if I am going to be able to help her. You know her. You know what it must have taken to bring her down so low to force this kind of reaction from her. You have the answers I need and just maybe through all of this I can help you as well."

Laughing sarcastically, Sonny tore his eyes from Alexis and stared at Kevin a moment then returned his gaze to Alexis.

"I don't need your help, Doc. There's nothing you can offer me. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Are you willing to stake her sanity on that?"

Throwing a look of pure venom at Kevin, Sonny verbally attacked him.

"What do you mean by that? I am here to help her any way I can. It is your job to use what I tell you to bring her back to... to herself. Do your job and quit trying to analyze me. I don't need it."

"Don't you mean bring her back to you? Look Sonny, I don't mean to offend you but she is hiding right now. I believe that you are part of what she is hiding from. I don't mean you physically. I mean she is hiding from what she feels about you. I just need to know what else she is hiding from. You have that information."

Letting his gaze again leave Alexis momentarily, Sonny let his eyes roam around the lawn. He was tired and his eyes stung. The liquor he consumed the night before that finally allowed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep was catching up with him by way of another migraine. Movement from Johnny caught his eye and he watched as Johnny stood and began to push Alexis' wheelchair back toward the building.

"Where is she going?"

"Her outdoor time has concluded. She has a very strict schedule to keep and it cannot be broken. It is an intricate part of the recovery plan that I have her on."

"Why so strict?"

"From what I have been able to ascertain from her family, Alexis has always been a person of total control. It stands to reason that a regimen of control will help in her care."

"Doc, you couldn't be more right. If I had to wager a guess as to the one thing that could have done this to her, then it would have been her lack of control over her life. But, that encompasses so much that you couldn't begin to understand it all. She is such a complex woman. It has been so incredibly stimulating trying to figure her out. She has kept me guessing ever day since I first met her. There is always one more layer to unwrap where Alexis Davis is concerned."

"Thank you, Sonny. It's been a good start. I hate to stop it here, but I need to go check on her and a few other patients. Can I expect you again tomorrow? I would like to delve into the losses she has endured throughout her lifetime and how they affected her. And we are not finished with your connection to her. What about it.... same time tomorrow?"

Dreading the thought of that conversation, Sonny shrugged some of the tension from his shoulders and responded.

"I'll be here, Doc. And I'll agree to leave the bodyguard at home."


	7. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 7

Arriving back at the penthouse Sonny and Max were in the elevator waiting for it to stop on the seventeenth floor. Just as the doors opened Sonny heard someone pounding on his door. There was no doubt who it was and he quickly motioned to Max.

"Not tonight, Max. Get her out of here."

Exiting the elevator Sonny turned toward his door and was immediately accosted by Carly. Sidestepping her he let Max grab hold of her and pull her away from him. Continuing toward his door he ignored her and stepped inside his home bolting the door against her. He waited just long enough to hear Max shove her into the elevator and then waited a moment more... listening... blessed silence finally met his ears.

Walking toward the balcony doors a lost memory surfaced. Alexis had stood with him right here not so very long ago and told him...

**__**

'Staring out windows doesn't help, I know I do it myself.'

Tomorrow was going to be difficult. Kevin was looking for details on how Alexis handled loss. He could answer all of his questions readily and willingly until it came to the last two losses Alexis was forced to face. He couldn't think about that now, he couldn't open himself up to that after the day he had endured. It was easier to remember the details of their friendship and how it had grown over the past couple of years.

Walking upstairs and entering his bedroom he was relieved to find that there was not one sign that Carly had ever been there. Lying down, Sonny thought of the first time he met Alexis. He had approached her to ask for her help in getting Jason custody of Michael. She fought him at every turn as he tried to get her to agree to represent him. In the end she agreed to represent him on a case-by-case basis. They began a hesitant and careful professional alliance and it had grown from there. 

He remembered sitting across from her one afternoon wanting to know more about her. She had walked confidently into his home wearing a red sweater underneath a white coat and her hair was slightly tousled from the wind. She was beautiful, radiant and fascinating. Wanting to draw her out, to find out more about her personally he asked her a few questions and marveled at how she deftly dodged him at every turn. He commented on her interesting mind and its inaccessibility. He smiled again at her response.

**__**

"Are you flirting with me?"

He had been flirting with her. He couldn't resist. She intrigued him and he was using any means necessary to get to know her.

Closing his eyes he let memory after memory wash over him until he was lulled to sleep by her beautiful smile.

________________________

Checking in at the receptionist's desk the next morning Sonny was led to the same bench he occupied the previous afternoon. Only a few moments passed before Kevin joined him.

"Hello, Sonny. I thought it would be better for you if we just met out here rather than in my office. Johnny should be bringing Alexis out momentarily. But, I must advise you that the same rules apply. You cannot approach her or make contact in any way."

"Thanks, doc. Same rules apply. Let's get the ball rolling. I don't mind telling you that I do not want to have this conversation with you. From what you told me yesterday about what we would be discussing today...well, you need to know that when things get too much to handle I usually shut down. For her sake, I know I can't do that, so push as hard as you like and if you have any dirty tricks at your disposal you might want to get them out and dust them off. I'm in this for the long haul."

Studying Sonny, Kevin noticed a slight change in him from the time he spent with him yesterday.

"I take it you've done some thinking about all of this and from what I can see you've settled some of your apprehensions and possibly made some decisions."

"Yeah, I spent a big part of last night remembering how Alexis and I became friends. It was pretty educational for me. Even though there was give and take on both sides, it became very clear to me that Alexis gave a whole lot more to the relationship than I did. She gave up the most, made more sacrifices and suffered more because of it."

"What do you mean suffered because of it?"

"No one wanted her to be friends with me. Jax and Ned were constantly fighting with her to give me up. Everyone she came in contact with who knew she and I were friends gave her grief about it. But, she wouldn't back down. She fought every day for me in one way or another. Even after Carly came back, Alexis did not give up until she was forced to."

"Who forced her to give up then and why?"

"She did it herself. For two reasons I think. Shortly after Carly returned Alexis asked me if I was still in love with her. This was a few weeks after she and I were 'together'. I told her that I never stopped loving Carly. There was different about Alexis that day. She was more hesitant, more distant with me than I had seen her in a long time. She seemed, I don't know, resigned somehow. Then she told me to go back to my wife. So I did. And secondly, I think it was sometime around then that she found out she was pregnant. I don't have any details since she decided that it was best that I not know she was carrying my child. I think that the child more than anything is why she finally gave up on me. In her mind I became someone she didn't want her child around."

"Do you think Alexis was in love with you?"

"I don't know. Possibly. Her sister told me she was, but immediately tried to take it back."

"Your answer is a little too quick and too vague. I need you to consider the question a little more carefully before you answer it."

Johnny chose that particular moment to appear with Alexis. Sonny stood abruptly and took a step forward and quickly stopped when he felt Kevin's hand on his arm.

"Sonny, remember the rules."

"Sorry, doc. It was just a gut reaction."

Sonny sat back down and watched hungrily as Johnny drew closer with Alexis. She was dressed in a pale yellow sweater and blue jeans. It was the same thing she had worn the day she had told him she could accept that he was a man who couldn't change. She had lost much of her tan from lack of sun and her beautiful eyes remained lifeless. Sonny felt his heart tear.

Kevin watched the play of emotions cross Sonny 's face and with years of practice read them accurately. Sonny was in fact in love with Alexis and it was tearing him apart that he couldn't go to her... couldn't help her. Laying his hand on Sonny's shoulder he pushed just a bit to pull Sonny's attention back to him. Not getting a response he gently tapped him on the shoulder.

"Sonny. She is physically fine and the child has a strong heart beat. There is no reason to think that anything is wrong with either of them physically at this time. But, what I get from you will help me immensely when she does become lucid. Do you remember my question? Do you think Alexis was in love with you?"

Sonny stood back up and began pacing back and forth in front of Kevin. He hadn't expected a question that personal and did not want to consider it. Looking back at Kevin, he knew the question would not be dropped. That one question possessed enough power to give Kevin what he needed, but it also had the power to destroy him.

"Kevin, I have thought about it on more than one occasion, but refused to pursue it. If I gave any great thought to it then I would have to admit that I ultimately chose myself over Alexis; what I wanted over what she wanted. Did she love me? Truth be told, she probably did. No woman can give herself so completely and in so many ways and not love. That being said, the woman sitting over there is probably hiding from more than just me."

"What do you mean?"

Standing still, Sonny looked at Alexis and with clarity of mind saw exactly what she did to bring about her admission into this place.

**__**

"Surviving marks you, maybe only another survivor can see it."

"I think she did this in order to survive what was going on in her life. In her head she walked away in order to survive. Where she is now is safe to her, because she is in control again."

"Control, huh? I find it fascinating that a woman would go to such lengths to regain control of her life. Sonny, what is it that she is having to survive?"

Sonny drew a deep breath the leaned against the massive oak he was standing beside.

"Let me give you a little background history on Alexis so you will have the complete picture. When Alexis was seven she witnessed her step-mother, Helena Cassadine murder her mother in the most horrible way possible. Helena slit her mother's throat. There is a part of Alexis that holds herself responsible for not being able to save her mother. On the same day her mother was murdered, she lost her little sister, Kristina. Her mother told her to take the baby to the stables to hide her and stay with her so that Helena would not know of the baby's existence. Alexis did take the baby to the stables, but she did not stay with her as her mother asked. Instead she returned to the house and witnessed the murder. When she went back to the stable her sister was gone and Alexis falsely assumed that Helena found the child and killed her. Alexis bears the guilt of that as well. She cannot let go of it. She is unable to. Her friend Chloe Morgan was rundown in the street by Helena who actually thought she was getting rid of Alexis. Chloe lost her sight temporarily because of the incident. Again, Alexis holds herself responsible. Her sister Kristina was returned to her about a year ago by Jasper Jax on the same day her friend Chloe was murdered by her half brother, Stavros Cassadine. In one day her world is ripped apart and then miraculously partially put back together again. But again, Alexis holds herself responsible for her friend's death.

Stopping momentarily to prepare himself to finish, Sonny rubbed his hands across his face and shook himself slightly. Hearing Kevin begin to speak, Sonny lifted his hand to stop him.

"Let me finish this, Kevin. A month ago Alexis lost someone that meant the world to her. Her sister, Kristina. Someone who was coming after me murdered Kristina in my warehouse. Alexis was left with no one to turn to. No one who loved her enough to sit with her and force her talk it out. I was out of the picture and her sister was gone. Jax and Ned disappeared after the funeral. There was no one who cared enough about her to see that she was ok once she returned home from the funeral. You want to know why she is sitting there like that? It's because I let her down... because I walked away from my friend and left her to fend for herself. I knew she was in trouble at the funeral. I knew it. I knew she had been in trouble for a while. But, I couldn't get past my own garbage to reach out to her. She wanted nothing to do with me. She blamed me for Kristina's death. I am responsible for this." 

Kevin sat quietly while Sonny laid bare the past that haunted Alexis. He marveled that it had taken this long for Alexis to succumb to the guilt she carried. He knew she was a strong person, but he never could have imagined the real strength she carried within her. It was no wonder she lived such a controlled existence. Glancing up at the man who stood leaning against the giant oak he noticed the tears on Sonny's face. Sonny's gaze was fixed unwaveringly on Alexis and the hunger and pain that marred his face was heartbreaking.

"Sonny. Sit down. It's almost time for her to return inside and I need just a little more from you."

"Kevin, I don't have anymore to give. You have it all."

"No. There is going to come a time when I will ask you to come here to meet with Alexis. I need you prepared to do that. I need you to begin getting comfortable with the words that you've become very adept at hiding from. Once every day until I call you to come see her, I want you to tell yourself that you love her. Say it before breakfast, sometime at work, before you sleep at night... I don't care when. Look yourself in the mirror if you think it will help. But once a day at least, say to yourself, 'I Love Alexis.'"

"I can't do that, Kevin. I can't open up the possibility of her being in my life. I will not put her in danger."

"Then you have some decisions to make. If you are going to be of any help to me at all, I will need complete and total honesty from you. If you hide how you feel about her, it is the same as a lie. Her absolute care is too important to me to bring someone into the picture who is too self involved to acknowledge her importance to him. You call me when you've made your decision. Just don't wait too long."

With that Kevin got up and walked away. He knew he was pushing Sonny. And he knew that he was forcing Sonny to make some pretty tough decisions. But, in the time he had spent with the man, both yesterday and today, he recognized that Sonny and Alexis belonged together. They loved each other… without reservation... somehow they became an extension of one another. And without benefit of input from Alexis, Kevin knew without a doubt that her love of Sonny had definitely been a major factor in her fall into catatonia. It was his job to bring her back whole. Without her love of Sonny, it would be impossible for Alexis to live a completely content life. Glancing back once just before entering the building he saw Sonny slowly rise and walk away as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.


	8. Chapter 8

****

Chapter 8

During his drive home from the sanitarium Sonny thought long and hard about what Kevin asked him to do. While Kevin had been talking to him he flashed back to a conversation that he and Alexis had gotten into when he offered to protect her from what he now knew at that time was the threat of Stavros Cassadine. 

**__**

'You can't stop me from putting guards on you I wouldn't even have to tell you. I can just go along and pretend that I'm doing what you asked.'

'So, you'd be lying to me.'

'I'm a helluva liar; I spent a lot of time learning how until my lies cost me somebody who mattered to me. So now I just mostly tell the truth or keep my mouth shut. Which would you prefer?'

'The truth, always the truth even if I can't give it back to you.'

Imagining her sitting beside him, Sonny began talking to her. 'So Alexis, you want the truth? What if I can't give you the truth? What if the truth is so powerful that it could strip my identity from me? You once tried to get me to understand how a person could lose their identity when you were having trouble committing to marrying Ned. I didn't quite get what you were so afraid of. I understand now, Alexis. I've spent a lifetime building the man, Sonny Corinthos. He's strong, powerful, and successful. He also has fought for and earned his own territory... and he is respected. If I give in to what you need from me then I lose him. I lose him because I will not put you in any more danger. I will not cost you anyone else you love. I will not ask you to be less than you are because of who I am. I can't do it. Does that make me an egotist... selfish because it's all about what I want?'

Thinking it over, Sonny finally shrugged his shoulders against the only answer he could come up with. 'Perhaps it does.'

Arriving back at the penthouse, Sonny picked up the phone to make a call.

"Jason, I need to see you. Can you get over here, buddy?"

Walking to the bar Sonny poured himself and scotch and then sat down on the sofa. Hearing the door open he looked up just as Jason entered. By the look on Jason's face, he knew he had already heard an ear full from Carly.

"Let me guess. She came crying to you about her latest attempt to protect me, right?"

"In a word. Care to tell me your side of it?"

"First, did you know that Alexis' child was mine?"

"I suspected."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"If you'll remember, we did discuss the possibility just before you confronted Alexis about it. Did you think she was lying?"

"I considered it briefly. Alexis pregnant with my child brought up more problems than I was willing to deal with at the time. So I chose to let it go and believe her. Truth was, I was so afraid of her answer I yelled at her and she shut down. I imagine if I had handled it differently she would have told me the truth that night."

"Carly says you threw her out because she knew the baby was yours. Is that true?"

"Mostly. Fact of the matter is, she's known for weeks. How many times have I told her not to lie to me, Jason? She knows what family means to me, yet she chose once again to keep something from me. Not just something... she was keeping my child from me. I'm through, Jason. I want no more to do with her. Whatever feeling I had for her is gone. I don't owe her anything and I don't want anything from her. And I don't want any trouble from you about it."

"You'll get no trouble from me. What are you going to do about, Michael?"

"I honestly don't know yet. I am his father. I will always be his father. I want him in my life. But, I won't let Carly use him against me. I will not let Michael be harmed by what's between Carly and me now."

"Sounds like a problem for a certain lady lawyer we know."

Jason watched a progression of emotions cross Sonny's face and he stepped closer to his friend and sat down across from him.

"What's the problem, Sonny?"

"Alexis is... unavailable."

"She leave the country or something?"

"No, it took a while, but I finally managed to destroy the one perfect thing in my life."

"Sonny, you're not making sense."

"I know, Jason." Sonny leaned back and quietly informed Jason of the latest news regarding Alexis. "About a month ago, Alexis was admitted to Ferncliff sanitarium. After the funeral she... Ned found her the next morning. I believe the doctors call it a catatonic state."

"I'm sorry, Sonny."

"Don't be. I did this. I made choices and they were the wrong ones. What do I do about it now, though?"

"What do you want to do about it?"

Sonny glanced at Jason and then lowered his eyes, studying the tumbler he still held in his hand. He called Jason over for a specific reason, but he was having a little trouble getting around to it. Jason, as far as he knew, had always been straight with him. If he were asked a question, Jason always gave the truth as he saw it and he was more insightful that most people gave him credit for.

"Alexis' doctor asked me a question today that I'm having some problems dealing with. I'd like your take on it."

"If I can, I will."

"Do you think Alexis was in love with me?"

Jason had waited a long time for that question. He knew it would eventually be asked. The connection between Sonny and Alexis was just too deep for it to stay buried under all the talk of friendship and who mattered to who and how much. Jason saw the connection right off when he had come back to town and he also saw the two of them fighting non-stop against it. Without looking up at Sonny he answered the only way he knew how. The truth.

"Yes. Alexis loves you."

Sonny closed his eyes against the truth of Jason's answer. He got up from the sofa abruptly and walked toward the balcony doors. There was so much fear and concern for Alexis running through him at that moment that finding one coherent thought in the chaos of his mind was proving to be an impossible task.

"How do you know, Jason?"

"The same way I know that you love her just as much as she loves you."

"No, Jason."

"Yes, Sonny. Don't you think it's time you started being honest with yourself. Everything that has gone on with you lately is a result of you running from the truth. You have run so far and so fast that you can't even recognize yourself anymore. You've changed, man and it's not a pretty sight."

"**_NO_**. Don't you understand what my loving her will do to her, Jason? I can't do that to Alexis. Not to her. I... I... can't do it."

"Do what, Sonny. What do you think you will do to her by admitting you love her?"

"Jason, I can't protect her from my life. I was crazy to think I could protect anyone from the life I lead. The only way to have her is to leave it all and if I do that, then who will I be. I won't be the man she loves anymore."

Well there it was; the truth finally, from Sonny Corinthos. Jason smiled to himself and walked over to stand beside Sonny.

"You know with a little more practice, this truth stuff could become second nature for you."

Sonny smiled weakly at Jason and clapped him on the shoulder before returning to sit back down on the sofa.

"I've been given sort of an ultimatum by Alexis' doctor."

"What sort of ultimatum?"

"I have to admit to loving Alexis before he will let me see her. He says he won't let someone so self-involved anywhere near her that can't acknowledge how important she is to them."

"Sounds like a smart guy to me."

"Look Jason, you know how important she is to me. Why are you taking sides against me?"

"I'm not the one who needs to know how important she is to you. I already know. Do you know how important she is to you, Sonny?"

"**_YES."_**

"Do you?"

"I've already answered you, Jason. What are you putting me through here?"

"Tell you what, you need a bit of down time. I'm going back across the hall. If you really want answers try going back and remembering the man you were with her and stack him against the man you've become since you allowed Carly back into your life. Call me if you need anything."

Jason walked to the door and opened it, turning back at Sonny's call...

"Thanks, buddy."

"Anytime."


	9. Chapter 9

****

Chapter 9

Visiting hours would soon begin and Johnny wondered if anyone would show up to check on Alexis' progress. This would be the first time anyone on the outside other than Felicia and Sonny would know how deeply involved he now was in Alexis' care. Looking over at her, he smiled at how beautiful she looked today. Joy had outdone herself in preparing Alexis for visitors. Because of the amount of time Johnny was spending with Alexis outside, she was once again beginning to develop a bit of a tan. Other than the vacancy in her eyes, no one would know in looking at her that she was sick.

That morning Alexis was put through numerous types of medical tests for both her and the baby. Kevin ordered additional blood work and another brain scan for Alexis, and the child's growth progress was re-tested as well. Johnny was ecstatic to learn that the baby was progressing normally and all indications pointed toward the baby being healthy. He nervously stood nearby when the ultrasound was done and at the nurse's urging placed his hand upon where the baby was resting. He was immediately rewarded with a tiny movement and felt an awe inspired tear roll down his cheek. He bent low and whispered, 'Hey peanut, I'm your Uncle Johnny. And it's my business to take care of you and your mom for a while. You just let me know whatever you need and I'm there for you. Humbled by the miracle he was allowed to witness he busied himself with covering Alexis with a warm blanket to keep the nurse from seeing just how much it did affect him. He lingered a moment longer, and just before he left to let the nurse redress Alexis, he placed his hand once again on the child and patted very gently, then ran his hand along the cheek of Alexis. 'See you in a bit, girls.'

Settling down on the sofa beside Alexis, Johnny opened one of the law books he brought from her home. 

"Hey peanut, how about I read some law stuff to you and your mom? Don't reckon I'll get much out of it, but it sure did seem to be able to get your mom all riled up at times. I can't imagine anyone enjoying reading law books as much as your mom seems to. Oh well, no accounting for taste. Here we go... "

At that moment Johnny heard a knock at the door. Rising to answer it he patted the child a couple of times and spoke to Alexis.

"Well, it seems you do have a visitor this evening. I'll just go see who it is. Be right back."

Opening the door, he encountered Ned Ashton.

Ned was irritated that Alexis had been moved without him being told. Arriving at her new room he knocked and glanced around at the more attractive décor around him. Nodding his approval he turned at the sound of the door opening.

It took a second for it to register just who was answering Alexis' door and when it did he became incensed.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Doing what you suggested I do."

"What? I did not suggest that you take up visiting Alexis."

"I'm not visiting Alexis. I live here now."

Johnny realized he was deliberately baiting Ashton, but he wanted all of the animosity left outside in the hall before Ashton entered Alexis' rooms.

"What do you mean you live here? Get out of my way, and take whatever agenda you and your boss are manipulating here and get out. I will not allow Sonny Corinthos anywhere near Alexis. Do I make myself clear?"

Suddenly a terrifying thought shot through Ned's consciousness. "Wait, is he here?"

Ned attempted to barge past Johnny and found himself thrown up against the opposite wall with Johnny's forearm threatening to cut off his air.

"You listen to me Ashton. You will not come here and upset Alexis in any way. I don't know if she can hear what is going on around her, but I do know that it is my job to see to it that her life is as calm and peaceful as it possibly can be. Not that I owe you an explanation; but I do not work for Mr. Corinthos any longer. I am here strictly to see to the care of Alexis. That's it. If you have a problem with that then I suggest you take it up with Dr. Collins. But be warned, if you come back here with anything less than total and absolute respect and compassion for that lady sitting in there, then I will tear you apart piece by piece. Do you get what I'm telling you?"

Feeling the fight drain from Ned's body, Johnny slowly released him and stepped back. Watching Ned intently for any sign of a repeat performance, Johnny took another step back but stayed alert to any change in Ned's demeanor.

"If you would like to spend some time with Alexis, you are more than welcome to. She doesn't get many visitors. But, since I have been given the responsibility of being her companion and seeing to her needs, you have to understand that I will not allow you to raise your voice or inflict any of your negative attitudes or words on her. If you can accept that, then you are more than welcome to come in."

Ned straightened his jacket and passed a look of loathing at Johnny.

"I will be talking to Kevin about this, but until then I want to see her. I want to know what it is you're doing here and I want to make sure she is safe. In order to get into that room it looks as though I don't have much choice other than to agree to your terms… for the moment. As soon as I'm done with her, then I'll speak to Kevin. You had best pack your things. You won't be here much longer."

With that, Ned walked past Johnny into Alexis' rooms noting with irritation that Johnny followed close on his heels. He walked over to Alexis and knelt before her taking both of her hands in his.

"Hey, sweetheart. Looks like you've acquired a bodyguard. I might have known Sonny would find a way to get to you even in here."

"Ashton, I'm warning you. You do not have any way of knowing it, but if I decide that your visits are detrimental to Alexis, I have the power to have you removed and banned from her visitor list. Don't push me."

Standing up and moving away from Alexis, Ned strode up to Johnny and pointed his finger in his face.

"You had better back off, buddy. I don't know what it is you think you are going to accomplish here, but it stops right here and right now."

Smiling condescendingly, Johnny pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and hit the speed dial. Hearing an answer on the other end Johnny spoke without mentioning the name of the person he called.

"I need you in Alexis' room. We have a situation that you need to clear up before I do. Thanks."

"What, calling Sonny now? Look at her, can't you see what he has done to her?"

"What I see is a man standing in front of me with a total disregard for someone he claims to care about. If she can hear this conversation, what do you think it's doing to her? Don't you care that she took the only way out that she felt she had left? What is wrong with you?"

Turning at the sound of the door opening he smiled grimly as Kevin Collins walked in. Stepping away from Ned he went to Alexis and pulled her to her feet. Gently coaxing her, he led her out of the room and into her bedroom where he sat her down on the love seat that occupied the space along one wall.

"I think it's time you rested a bit, partner. I'll take care of everything out there and come back for you in a bit."

Stroking her cheek a few times, Johnny laid a calming hand upon the child and returned to the living room where Kevin and Ned were engaged in a heated argument.

Standing in the doorway, so he could keep an eye on Alexis, Johnny listened as Kevin tried to explain the medical program that Alexis was currently undergoing. As he stood there he began to get more irritated with each passing moment. Kevin was not being given the opportunity to complete a sentence without Ashton interrupting him and the more Kevin tried the louder Ashton got. Taking a look back at Alexis to check on her, he walked up behind Ashton and quickly pulled his arm behind his back with one hand and with his other caught Ashton around the throat cutting off his air supply.

"Doc, would you open the door for me please. I need to take out the trash, it's beginning to stink."

Ned watched in horror as Kevin, without comment, walked to the door, opened it, then stepped aside as Johnny pushed him into the hall. Turning to try to get back inside he came face to face with Kevin as the door was closed effectively leaving him outside and Johnny inside... with Alexis.

Feeling a storm of rage fill him, Ned tried to push past Kevin to get back into the room. He wanted Johnny out of there. Finding himself again back up against the wall, he stared into the eyes of a man who had finally and completely lost his patience.

"Ned, you take one more step toward that door and I will call security and have you arrested for trespassing, disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. Do I make myself clear? Just one more outburst from you and you are out of here with staff instructions that you are not to be allowed back in. I will not have you tampering with or destroying what little progress we may have made with her because you can't look past your own selfishness to see the bigger picture. Man, you have an ego the likes of which I've never seen before. For once in your life, put somebody else's needs ahead of your own. Matter of fact, you need to leave now. There's nothing you can do here."

Ned could not believe his ears. He was being shut out of Alexis' life while Sonny Corinthos' bodyguard had complete access and possible control over Alexis. Shaking himself out of the hold that held him against the wall, he glared at Kevin.

"I thought when I called you in to be Alexis' doctor that I was calling in the best doctor available. I was wrong. I will have you removed as her doctor as soon as I can possibly make it happen."

"Ned, do you even like Alexis?"

Ned heard Kevin's response just as he turned to walk away. Whipping around again he stood angry and defiant that such a question was being asked of him.

"I not only like Alexis, but I love her. She is my friend and I am only concerned in what is best for her. If that were not true, I would not have claimed her child as mine to protect them both."

Ignoring the remark about the parentage of the child, Kevin walked closer to Ned and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"I'd like you to see something, Ned. Would you accompany me to my office for a few minutes? I won't keep you long, but there is something that I think you might find interesting."

"Regarding Alexis?"

"Yes. Please, follow me."

A few moments later, Ned was seated in Kevin's office looking at a series of graphs that to him looked no more interesting than the drawings of a child.

"Ok, what is this?"

"I did a brain scan on Alexis this morning. Here are the results. The red lines you see are Alexis' brain waves; the level of activity that is going on in her mind. Every time you see a major jump in the wave, that is a response from Alexis herself. There were only three times that an outside stimulus was invoked. As you can see, there are only three jumps in the brain waves."

"That means that whatever you did, she responded to it, right?"

"Yes."

"Has this happened before when you stimulated her?"

"No."

"So, what did you use? What is she responding to?"

"The first stimulus provided a 25% increase in brain activity. The stimulus we used was simply allowing Johnny to talk to her. Johnny talking to her also brought about the second jump in activity, but we added the additional stimulus of him holding her hand. The addition of adding his physical touch provided a 50% increase in brain activity. The third jump as you can see, provided the most dramatic increase in activity. There was an 80% increase in activity and Johnny again was the instrument used. But this time while he was talking to her he took hold of her hand and used her hand to caress the child."

Watching Ned process the information, Kevin hoped he had finally been able to reach him.

"Did anyone else try? I mean did you try to get her to respond to you or maybe a nurse?"

"Yes. There was no change in brain activity."

"So you're telling me that Johnny is the only one she is reacting to right now?"

"Yes"

Staring intently at Ned, he was actually beginning to feel sorry for him. The man was finding himself in the middle of a dilemma that he didn't know quite what to do about.

"Ned, this is a first step. We have never gotten any response from her before... at all. I'm asking you not to interfere. We are finally making progress. I am more hopeful now than I have ever been."

"Would she respond to me like that, given we have a history?"

"Ned, I'm sorry, but I doubt it. Not right now. Johnny has spent quite a bit of time with her. He has put his life on hold until Alexis is released from Ferncliff. He doesn't leave her side unless it is to relinquish her care to her personal nurse. Somewhere in her mind, Alexis knows she can count on Johnny. Just how much she is aware of I have no way of knowing. If and when she becomes lucid, she may know Johnny, but then again she may not. Right now, all Johnny is to her is stability, something that is a constant. You cannot provide that for her Ned."

Getting up with the feeling that he had somehow failed Alexis, Ned reached out to shake Kevin's hand. 

"Do what you have to do for her. You'll have no more trouble from me. But, can I at least continue to visit her?"

"That would be fine as long as you agree to the rules that Johnny and I have put into place for her. They are for her protection only, Ned."

"I understand. Like I said, I won't give you any more problems and I'll see that Nicholas and her brother understand as well."

"Thank you, Ned."

Watching Ned leave his office, Kevin shook his head in total unbelief. If Ned were indicative of the type of friends Alexis surrounded herself with, it was no wonder she was in the predicament she was in now. Picking up the folder that contained the results of her morning's brain scan, Kevin left his office. He was on his way home after a long and difficult day, but there was one more stop he needed to make before he could leave.

After Johnny closed the door on Ned, he returned to the bedroom to gently coax Alexis back into the living room. Sitting down beside her, he leaned over to the coffee table and picked up a comic book.

"I think we've had enough seriousness for one day, Ms LawLady. It's time for a little 'Superman' adventure. How do you like my choice of light reading? Little scary, huh? What can I say, all bodyguards have their own little fantasies they like to indulge in."

Laughing at his own humor, Johnny stood again to answer another knock on the door.

"Be right back, partner. Looks like you're a little popular this evening."

Johnny opened the door to find Kevin standing outside.

"You have any problems, doc?"

"No, everything's fine. Ned will probably be returning to visit Alexis, but don't worry; you won't have any more problems out of him. You got a minute? I would like to talk to you about something."

"Sure, doc. Let me check on my lawyer friend and I'll join you at the table."

Walking back over to Alexis, Johnny lifted an afghan off the back of the sofa and covered her legs with it. Reaching out he grasped her hand, squeezed it gently then placed it over the baby. Approaching the table where Kevin sat down, Johnny noticed an array of medical forms and became agitated.

"Doc, is there something wrong with Alexis?"

"No, actually there is something very right with Alexis. Sit down, Johnny. I want to show you something."

Waiting for Johnny to settle himself across from him, Kevin smiled eagerly at being given the chance to share his news with a man he had come to like and highly respect. 

"Johnny, do you remember what I asked you to do for Alexis while we were having her scan done this morning?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Look at this."

Sliding the graph that showed Alexis' brain activity over to Johnny he laughed at the total look of confusion that landed on Johnny's face.

"How many spikes do you see, Johnny?"

"Three."

"How many times did I ask you to interact with Alexis this morning while we were doing the test?"

Johnny thought a minute and as the reality of what Kevin was telling him began to slowly sink in he laid his head down on the table and cried in relief. She was coming out of it. Alexis was coming out of it.

"Johnny, I know you get part of what I am telling you here, but just so you get the full picture; Alexis did not respond to me, nor did she respond to the nurse. She responded to you. Johnny you wanted to make a difference... you wanted to help Alexis. This graph proves that you have succeeded."

Raising his head unashamed of the tears on his face, Johnny carefully and tenderly picked up the graph afraid of tearing it.

"Can I keep this, doc?"

"Sure, Johnny. Why don't you get it framed or something? You've earned it."

Standing quietly Johnny laid his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "No, she's earned it. Thanks, doc." Leaving the table he walked back over to the sofa and sat back down beside Alexis putting his arm across her shoulders.

"Hey, partner. It's just me. Thanks for my present. How did you know it was my birthday?"


	10. Chapter 10

****

Chapter 10

Awaking the next morning, Sonny opened eyes slowly then shut them again quickly as the bright sunlight intensified the migraine he was suffering from due to another night of drinking. It had been a long night of fitful sleep. The scotch was not powerful enough to block the nightmares that took hold of him every time he drifted off.

Deke was always there... hiding... waiting... just beyond the edge of sleep. Waiting until just the right moment to strike again. And always nearby a little boy cowering in a corner just out of reach. A little boy still wrapped within fear laden arms of a mother who couldn't protect him... a boy afraid of being hurt again… afraid of dying alone... a little boy reaching out toward a ghost of the man he would someday become… reaching out with bleeding hands… begging to be protected from yet another beating.

Refusing to lie there any longer, Sonny pulled himself to the edge of the bed and slowly sat up clutching his head to stop the pounding. Groaning at the intensity of his headache he staggered to the bathroom stripping as he went and stepped into the shower to wash away the grogginess, the smell of liquor and hopefully the pain.

An hour later, Sonny stood waiting for the elevator. He knew Kevin told him not to come back unless he could admit to loving Alexis, but he needed to see Alexis if only from a distance. Jumping slightly at the sound of the elevator opening he found himself face to face with Carly.

"I need to talk to you now, Sonny."

"No. You and I are through."

"Look, I couldn't tell you. I couldn't do to your child what was done to mine... "

Feeling the headache begin again, Sonny wiped his hand across his forehead and slanted a look at Carly.

"Carly, you need to go. Now. I don't want to hear it."

Just as Carly began to whine another excuse, Jason walked out of penthouse 2 into the foyer.

"Jason, will you please talk to Sonny."

"I already have. Come on, I'll take you home."

Staring at Jason incredulously, Carly spun around to confront Sonny again. Just as she was about to grab his arm, she felt Jason take hold of her and begin dragging her into the elevator.

"Let me go, Jason. What has gotten into you? Let me go."

Just as the elevator door closed Sonny heard Jason answer her.

"Carly, you lost this one. I told you your lies would catch up to you. Don't come back here again. Sonny's been damaged enough by you."

Looking up his eyes came to rest on the door of penthouse 2. How many times had he stood here watching her come or go... waiting to see her... needing to see her? Moving closer to the door he gripped the handle.

**__**

"I would prefer to have my old lock. I don't like this new lock. And the old lock was good before it got blown off the door because you decided to strap a bomb to your body."

Stepping into the room his expectation of what he hoped he would see was assaulted as the sparse belongings of Jason met his gaze. Quickly closing his eyes he let his memory fill the room. Moving his head slightly he let his mental gaze travel around the room. The closet door...

**__**

"Ok, I'm gonna go fix up the guestroom. Actually I should probably let you do it because I'm sure you're rather persnickety about how your bed is made."

Laughing lightly at the memory he tilted his head slightly as he allowed the vision he was creating within the confines of his mind to shift toward her coffee table...

**__**

"Is the mozzarella gonna make me feel better about the family boogeyman"

'I wish I had known just how afraid you were then, Alexis. I was worried, but you made promises and I couldn't ask you to break them. You were trying to be so brave, but I could tell that beneath all of the concern for Stephan, you were scared out of your mind. I let you down, I told you that I would keep you safe and I failed.' 

Stepping further into the room with eyes still closed he let his eyes fall on her sofa... 

**__**

"But if you're not here who… well, when I rant about any number of things there'll be no one here to talk me down. And if I have nothing to eat but popcorn in my kitchen and I'm starving to death there'll be no one here to whip me up a great meal that has all the food groups in it. And when it appears that life makes absolutely no sense to me and I want to talk to you, even though you never listen to anything that I ever say I still like talking to you."

"You got an eyelash there... on your cheek."

"I think you're supposed to make a wish on it."

"Yeah, well make a wish... "

'You didn't know I made a wish too, did you Alexis? I wished that all of the obstacles in my life would fall away. I couldn't name what the obstacles were that were keeping me from you. I just couldn't. It was as close as I could get to what I wanted and still have you safe with me. But, I still let you down, didn't I?'

Moving further into the room he sat down on the couch. He didn't feel the leather of Jason's couch. He settled into a yellow sofa and relaxed letting his heart recapture what his mind had forgotten.

He stayed with her the night she was released from Helena's kidnapping. After she had gone up to bed he cleaned up the broken vase and the other items that fell victim to the release of her anger and fear, the relief that the nightmare was over. Lying there on the couch, eyes closed unable to sleep he heard her come down the stairs and turn off the light. He was aware that she stopped to watch him a moment and then retrace her steps back up the stairs without a sound. Opening his eyes he turned and caught sight of her just as she turned the corner at the top of the stairs. His heart ached at the sight of her. She had been through so much and every movement of her body told him that she was still hurting.

Images and truths... one by one they came out of the past. 

**__**

"If I push you away it costs me too, maybe more than I realized... "

'It has cost me, Alexis. Even I could not have imagined how much at the time. I can admit now that I lost the best part of me when I lost you. I need to find that part of myself that I lost. But, I'm afraid that I won't find him without you by my side to help me. I never thought I would admit it... but, I need him more than you do.'

**__**

"I forget sometimes; I'm distracted by the suit and the sweet way you put up with me. But, I forget that underneath it all you are a survivor; there is something cold about you... something deadly."

Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. 

"Max, have the jet prepared for immediate take off. I'll call you when I get to the airport to let you know where I'm headed and Max, I won't need a bodyguard for this one."

A few hours later, Sonny was driving through some of the most beautiful landscape he could remember seeing in a long while. Pulling over to the side of the road, he sat a minute just to take in the view of the rolling hills around him. Reaching over to the passenger seat he picked up the map that lay there and checked to make sure he was still headed in the right direction. Satisfying himself that he was, he pulled back onto the paved two lane road and drove a few more miles before turning in between two impressive monuments built into a brick fence. Announcing himself to the security guard who walked out to meet him, Sonny nodded thinking how a few well placed compliments and a lot of money could instantly get him access to just about anywhere.

Parking the rental car in the first available spot he could find, he got out and started toward a large brick building a few hundred yards away. Looking around him as he continued walking he caught sight of another building and stopped. Smiling triumphantly he changed his course. Just as he got to the steps of the building he looked up. Shading his eyes from the sun, he whispered...

****

Briarton Griggs Memorial Library

Walking up the steps, he got to the top and turned to sit down on the top step. 'Is this where you sat, Alexis? Is this where it happened? You see, I was listening. You told me that you sat down here to catch your breath. I remember.'

"Excuse me, sir. But, may I help you?"

Standing quickly to see who was speaking to him, Sonny found himself looking at an elderly and very matronly woman.

"No, ma'am. I was just visiting. I do have permission to be here if that's the problem."

"You are Mr. Corinthos, are you not?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well that's fine then. There is no problem. You spoke with me when you called earlier today to ask to take a tour of our campus. May I formally introduce myself... I am Ms. Martha Clayton and I have been head mistress at Briarton Griggs for the past 30 years."

"I am pleased to meet you, Ms. Clayton and please call me Sonny."

"I do not wish to offend you, but we try very hard to teach our girls the proper etiquette here and for me to call you anything other than Mr. Corinthos at a first meeting would be inappropriate. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hinder what we are trying to accomplish with our girls, would you?"

Smiling deeply at the distinguished woman who stood before him, Sonny could now understand where Alexis acquired her penchant for manners.

"Ms. Clayton, I would not dream of interfering with what you teach here. In fact I have found that what you teach here has a tendency to stay with a person for a lifetime. I am very familiar with one of your former students and am regularly reminded of my lack of manners."

"Really. It is so nice to hear that some of our girls carry away with them the essence of what we try to teach here. Please, might you tell me who your friend is? Maybe she made enough of an impression on me that I would remember her."

"I kinda doubt it. She was very quiet and reserved when she was here. I'm not entirely sure what name she went by while she was here. She may have already changed her name by the time she came to the states."

"Well, Mr. Corinthos, that narrows it down considerably since we have been very careful with the internationals we have accepted here."

"Well, she would either have been known by Alexis Davis or Natasha Cassadine."

Sonny watched the woman draw herself up stiffly and lift her chin slightly.

"Ah, yes... The Cassadine child. Yes, regretfully I remember her. Pardon me, I do not mean the child gave us any problems, it was the brother or cousin, I don't remember the relation, that caused us so much grief. He was so protective of her and called several times during the course of a week's time to check her progress or berate us for some offense he believed Natasha to have suffered under our care. I felt for the child and tried my best to protect her as much as I could. She was so quiet and fearful. Natasha did not make friends easily. She found it very difficult to trust. I hope she has finally found peace in her life. We have not been blessed with such a dedicated and intelligent student as Natasha since she left us."

"Ms. Clayton, thank you for caring for my friend. She is a very beautiful woman, and I do not mean her appearance although she is the most attractive woman I know. She is beautiful on the inside and the most compassionate woman I have ever known. I imagine she learned most of what she knows from within your walls. You have every reason to be proud of what you're doing here."

"Why thank you, Mr. Corinthos. Please give her my deepest regards. I must leave you now as I have another appointment, but please feel free to visit us anytime. If you will call ahead, I would count it a blessing to have the opportunity to invite you to lunch."

Reaching out to accept the hand she offered, Sonny gently clasped her hand in his, bent over and placed a kiss on the back of it.

"Ms. Clayton, it would be an honor. Thank you."

Releasing her hand he watched her walk away then returned to his car. He had gotten what he needed here. Ms. Clayton painted him a picture of a wounded and frightened child who was now a wounded and frightened woman. It appeared that Alexis struggled with the same battles he struggled with as a child. But, this place helped her to... how would she say it... to put everything into perspective.

He wondered if he could have learned to handle his pain as well as Alexis did if there had been a 'Briarton Griggs' available to him. In coming to Briarton, Sonny made it possible to be able to envision her as a small-frightened waif determined to survive. He smiled as he pictured another layer of Alexis being slowly peeled away.


	11. Chapter 11

****

Chapter 11

Another day passed without any visible response from Alexis and Johnny was concerned. He and Joy were sitting together at the table trying to work a crossword puzzle and finding it to be more trouble than it was worth. He voiced his concerns regarding Alexis and Joy tried to reassure him. To take his mind off Alexis for a while, Joy had suggested they try the puzzle.

Sitting back, he lifted his coffee cup and let his eyes fall on Joy.

"You know, you're actually quite attractive."

Looking up in shock at what she heard. Joy saw the sincerity on Johnny's face and knew he didn't meant it the way it sounded. Deciding to have a little fun with him she allowed a serious look of offense to fall on her face.

"Well, thank you. I didn't realize that you were having a problem deciding if I were or not."

Covering his face with his hand, Johnny turned a beautiful shade of red, embarrassed that he had failed in his attempt at a first compliment for a woman he wanted to get to know on a more personal level.

"I... I... wasn't. I... just... Oh, hell, that didn't come out right."

Laughing outright at his obvious discomfort Joy reached over and lay her hand on his arm.

"It's ok, Johnny. I'm just teasing you. And thank you for the compliment. You're not very practiced at this sort of thing are you?"

"My tendency to be shy around women is always getting me into trouble. My grandmother used to try to fix me up with some of her friends daughters to try to get me more comfortable with them. It never worked."

"Why are you so shy around women, Johnny?"

"I'm always afraid I will offend them."

Sitting back a bit, Joy decided that his answer was just too interesting to let go. She was very attracted to Johnny and up until this moment he had not shown any interest in her other than what was expected or needed as Alexis' nurse.

"What do you mean... offend them? I can't imagine you would ever be able to offend a woman given how absolutely generous you are with them."

"Generous?" The word immediately caught Johnny's attention. Generous... 

"Yes, generous. You cater to women. I can see by the confusion on your face that you have no idea what I am talking about. Ok, let me see if I can explain this... "

Joy reached to pick up her own cup of coffee and bringing it to her lips looked at Johnny over the rim of it, studying him, trying to figure a way of explaining what she meant.

"Over the past few days, I have had the opportunity to observe you not only where Alexis is concerned, but with the other nurses around here and with me as well. There is an ever-present respect for women that is very evident in the way you treat them. It is always there. You hold doors open for them, you wait until they are seated before you sit, you never speak unless it is invited, and you never interrupt a conversation. If you see a woman coming towards you, you stop and move to the side of the hallway until they pass slightly bowing your head in recognition of their worth. You are the most considerate man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. When I am around you, I feel like I am someone very special. And this is not something you do on purpose. It is not manufactured. It is who you are and to be perfectly honest I would love to meet the woman who raised such a beautifully compassionate, considerate and respectful man."

"Joy, please stop. You're embarrassing me."

"I'm sorry, Johnny. I really didn't mean to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the kind of man you are."

"It was my grandmother."

"I beg your pardon."

"It was my grandmother who raised me. She was such a treasure. She meant everything to me. I try to treat women with the same respect I had for my grandmother. She taught me that every woman, no matter who they are, deserves a measure of respect. I have only come across one woman in my lifetime that I have found it impossible to find anything worth respecting. And because of that, I feel like I have failed my grandmother. And that's not something I deal with very well." 

"She must be a real piece of work for you not to be able to find any redeeming qualities in her at all. And if that is the case, then Johnny you have to know that there are some women in this world who are not worthy of the slightest hint of respect. But, it is something they have chosen for themselves and you cannot let their inadequacies disturb your grandmother's faith in you. That would not be fair to her and it certainly wouldn't be fair to you."

Ducking his head slightly, Johnny shot a shy glance toward Joy and saw not only her beauty, but the compassion in her eyes as well. 

"You're pretty generous yourself, Joy. I've watched you too. You take your responsibilities as a caregiver very serious. You really do. I watch you with Alexis... you touch her constantly as though you expect her to feel you and hear you. You don't treat her like she's sick. You've never once lost your patience with her. You're always constant with her. I admire that."

"Thank you, Johnny. That means a lot to me."

An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Neither one of them were ready to leave the cocoon they had woven around themselves. It was too soon. There was still so much to say, so much to share. Johnny wanted to know everything about Joy. She dazzled him and he was eager to know more.

"Uh... Joy? Would it be ok if I asked you to have dinner with me tomorrow night? I mean, it can't be like a real date, because I have to be here. I'll understand if you say no... because well... right now I have Alexis. And you have to know that she is my first priority, at least until she is well and I know that it would be hard for another woman to accept that and... "

"Johnny, shhh... hey... hush a minute. Johnny... "

Halting his explanation he looked up at Joy and saw the most beautiful smile he had ever seen before. 

"Johnny, she is my first priority as well. You and I have a common goal and it is Alexis. But, that doesn't mean we can't have dinner right here and have her be a part of it. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a chaperone. Johnny, my answer is yes, I would love to have dinner with you."

Joy smiled as a new and more brilliant blush rose on the face of the most handsome and perfect man she'd ever met before. Today was a gift. A gift she waited for her whole life. Someone finally looked at her. Really looked. Not at just the way she looked on the outside. But, Johnny looked into her eyes, into her soul. Johnny was interested in her. Her heart filled with expectation and the giddiness of a schoolgirl quivering with anticipation.

Hearing a loud knock on the door Johnny and Joy both jumped guiltily and then laughed together at the ridiculousness of it. Joy stood to go since she knew it was again visiting hours and wanted to get out of their way. Feeling the warmth of Johnny's hand on her arm she felt her knees weaken a bit and looked up into his eyes.

"Please stay, Joy. I'll get it. If it's who I think it is, it'll be ok for us to stay here in the kitchen and talk while he's here."

"Ok, Johnny. I'd like that."

Applying just a touch of pressure before he released her arm he smiled a little more boldly at her and left to answer the door.

Stopping briefly to check on Alexis, Johnny opened the door to find Jasper Jacks waiting impatiently to be allowed in.

"Mr. Jacks. I wasn't expecting you. Please, come in."

Jax entered the room and looked around. Not seeing Alexis he turned back to Johnny.

"I hear you have so ingratiated yourself into Alexis' life that no one else can get close to her."

Shaking his head in absolute disbelief, Johnny shut the door.

"I think you have been misled about what is going on here. I really wish that all of Alexis' supposed friends would get together and finally once and for all understand that it's all about her. Not me. Not you. Not Ned. It's about **_HER_**. There is nothing going on here except one doctor, one nurse and one man doing whatever is needed to bring one woman back to life. That's all. Any one of you could have reached out to her. But, you didn't think it was necessary to come here until you found out I was here. In fact you have been conspicuously absent. Why is that?

"I've been busy."

"I'm sure you have been. But, I find it fascinating that the only time I see you is when you blow into her life for major events and then disappear again. I don't get it. She has called you friend for as long as I have known her. She needs her friends right now. All of them. And if you weren't so damned blind and unyielding you would see that we could use all the help we could get here. What can I do or say to you that will get through to you and everyone else out there that Alexis needs all of us. Including you."

"Ok, Johnny, I think you made your point. Can I see her?"

"She's just around the corner there. Stay as long as you like, but I must warn you as I did Ned. Nothing negative is allowed around her. Not words, not actions and no negative attitudes. Please."

Johnny watched as Jax walked into the room where Alexis was. He moved closer to listen and hoped he wouldn't have to intervene. Startled by a movement beside him he swung around to see Joy step up beside him.

"How do I get through to them, Joy? What do I say to make them understand that I won't hurt her, I can't? How can I make them see that they are just as important to her as what we are doing here?"

Joy watched the tears swim in the corner of his eyes and put her arm around him.

"You do just exactly what you just did. In time they will see that you have always had her best interests at heart and they will accept you. And Johnny, one day each one of them will thank you for what you have done for her. I promise you that."

Feeling comforted by the closeness of her and her words, Johnny lay his arm across her shoulder.

"Joy, I don't care if they thank me or not. I don't care if they ever accept that all I wanted to do was help. I just want her back any way I can get her, by any means."


	12. Chapter 12

****

Chapter 12

Climbing from the car, Sonny walked around to the passenger side and looked up at the building in front of him. He froze as the enormity of where he now stood engulfed him. He lowered his head and watched in slow motion as a tear fell to the ground at his feet quickly followed by another. He always knew that this place would be hard to face no matter when he managed to find his way back. Lifting his head he pulled his shoulders back and walked slowly up the steps. Climbing them one by one he finally reached the door. Reaching to open it, it felt like it weighed a ton and he quickly raised his other hand and pulled with both to pull it open. It wasn't so much the weight of the door that was burdensome. It was the realization that this was his first time he back to this place since 'she' told him to leave.

Afraid to make a sound for fear of disturbing the solitude of the place, he walked to his right and climbed another set of stairs then turned to his left and walked silently down the corridor. Stopping at a door on his left he raised his hand to clutch the doorknob.

Hesitating for a moment he slowly turned the knob and stepped inside. With memories hitting him from left and right he sat down and looked toward his right to gaze at the boxed seats he sat in with his mother so many years ago.

**__**

Carnegie Hall, the ballet and his mother. 

He let the tears fall freely as he remembered how beautiful she looked that afternoon. Closing his eyes he again felt how tightly she hugged him to thank him. Even now he could see the joy that filled her when she told him how much the afternoon meant to her. Made all the more special because they shared it together. It was just the two of them... hiding from the world and its madness for a couple of hours one hot afternoon.

He chose to sit in this particular box seat because it was the one he knew the schoolgirls occupied all those years ago. Trying his hardest he concentrated on them hoping to remember the color of the uniforms they were wearing. Could they have been from Briarton? He tried to create a vision of Alexis sitting there watching him and his mother. Rising from the depths of his soul to taunt him he remembered another time, another place, another truth.

**__**

"Uh… what ballet did you see?

"What?"

"when you took your mother to Carnegie Hall do you remember?"

"Romeo and Juliet"

"Well that's perfect."

"What does that mean?"

"it's a metaphor... for your life I think... Romeo and Juliet... Beautiful and sad."

She was right. Looking back over the years he could only recognize brief moments of complete happiness in a life full of sadness. With her he had been happy. She made all the difference in the world... just to see her walk into a room lifted the cloud that always seemed to hang over him.

"Mama, what am I supposed to do? If only I had you here for just a while. You could tell me. I think of you every day and wonder what you would say to me now. Would you still love me if you knew the man I became? I miss you mama and I love you more now than I ever did before. I wish you could meet Alexis. Mama there is so much in her. I did not know that a woman could be so full of wonder, so full of contradictions. She keeps me excited. I have never had a dull moment with her. But, I can't have her mama. She is too much for me. I would destroy her and that would destroy me. I lo..., I feel too much for her to put her in the middle of my life. She matters to me mama, just like you. How can I live without her, mama? How can I walk away?"

Sonny felt like he was being blown apart from the inside. He had never felt such powerful feelings before and it was scaring the hell out of him. The depth of emotion that Alexis inspired in him terrified him. She filled him completely. How do I survive this? She has the power to destroy me whether she is in my life or not.

Looking back over at the boxed seats he envisioned his mother one last time. 

"I have to go now mama. I have to be somewhere else. Peace be with you, mama."

Returning to the car, Sonny sat down behind the wheel and watched the activity going on around him. 

'Well Sonny boy, you know who she is, you know how much she matters to you and you now know that she has what it takes to destroy you without even being a part of your life. Wouldn't that just make her day? She'd probably get all flustered and start breathing hard and I wouldn't blame her. She takes my breath away just as easily. So what are you going to do about it? What can you do? You are who you are, just as she is who she is.'

Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he called the airport to let them know he was on his way back.


	13. Chapter 13

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Chapter 13

Johnny was just finishing setting the table for his first date with Joy who was quickly finishing up with Alexis' dinner. Hearing a knock at the door he groaned inwardly at the interruption then hurriedly finished his preparations of what he was hoping would be a very special evening.

Opening the door he starred in astonishment. "What... How... ?"

Joy stood there leaning up against the doorjamb dressed in a beautiful royal blue silk blouse with a black skirt smiling at the look on his face.

"I thought we should start this date off in a more proper way. So, I settled Alexis then used her room to change. Hope you don't mind?"

"Nnnno. Joy... you look stunning. You didn't have to go to all that trouble it wasn't necessary. But... I'm... uh... kinda glad you did. You look wonderful."

Johnny was amazed and eager... delighted and falling hard. Standing there taking in every aspect of her... memorizing her, he realized she was calling him.

"Johnny. Johnny. Wake up... it's just me. Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Oh, uh... sorry Joy. I was... you... you took me by surprise. Please, come in. Give me a minute and I'll try to find my manners again."

Joy was ecstatic at the response she drew from Johnny. She wanted to make an impression. Wanted to leave the persona of trusted nurse outside the door and be a woman tonight; just one woman meeting one man hoping for a connection. She enjoyed being around Johnny. Johnny made her feel things she never felt before and she wanted more. Reaching her hand toward him she lay it on his arm in a reassuring manner.

"You're doing just fine, Johnny. And you gave me the exact response I was hoping for. Completely surprising you. So, what have you planned for the evening?"

"Well, I guess we're even now. You surprised me and now I get to surprise you. Come to the kitchen with me. I've never done this before, but once I started everything just kinda fell into place."

"I've never seen you so excited before, Johnny. I can't wait."

"I've had fun. It was quite challenging to put it all together in that little kitchen, but I did it."

"I know the aroma coming out of that little kitchen have been driving me wild for the past hour and a half. And the fact that you have absolutely forbidden me to go anywhere near the kitchen all day has me very curious as to what you've been up to. So, Mr. Secrets, show me."

Grabbing hold of her hand in little boy excitement, Johnny pulled her with him toward the kitchen. He stopped just as he got to the door of the kitchen and gently guided her to stand in front of him just inside the threshold. 

Joy gasped at what lay before her. Looking back in wonder at Johnny she took a hesitant step forward and again viewed redecorated room. The little kitchenette was transformed into a little hideaway. There were black sheets hung on the walls to provide the illusion of nighttime and candles were placed around the room to offer more than enough light to move around in. The table was set elegantly with two candles placed just to the side to allow eye contact without hindrance. Red and white rose petals littered the black tablecloth and in the center of the table a bowl filled halfway with water held six perfect red and white roses floating gently as the light from the candles touched the edges of each petal. There were two covered plates waiting to be attended to and wine goblets filled with chilled white wine. Joy reached back to Johnny and caught his hand and breathlessly spoke to him.

"Johnny, look at this. Did you do all of this? I don't know what to say. This is just... too much. I mean I love it. But, Johnny... "

Concerned that it was a bit too much Johnny moved to stand in front of Joy.

"Joy, is it too much for a first date? I don't want to offend you or make you uncomfortable."

Looking up into his face, a look of fear and self-doubt met her gaze. Reaching up she lay a hand on his cheek and smiled comfortingly.

"No, Johnny. I have never been so surprised and honored in my life. Thank you, Johnny. This is just perfect."

Watching her, searching her face, Johnny reached up and took her hand from his face and held it for a moment before releasing it and turned to pull out a chair for her.

"Joy, I wanted it to be special for a lot of reasons. But, mostly because you deserve to be treated special. Hey, would you like to know what's on the menu tonight?"

"I'm dying to know, Johnny."

Smiling shyly with a hint of expectation, Johnny lifted the covers from their plates. Lying there as if prepared by a master chef was a succulent piece of braised tenderloin surrounded by a variety of grilled vegetables lying on a bed of red wine sauce. 

Starting to feel like she resembled a guppy with the amount of times her jaw dropped in the last few minutes, Joy raised her eyes to meet Johnny's who was now sitting down across from her. 

"How?"

"My old boss taught me most of it, but my grandmother taught me a lot too. She would sit me down and tell me, Johnny, women need to know how special they are and it is your job as a man to see to it that they do. You're special, Joy. I want you to know it."

Seeing a tear slide down her cheek, Johnny stood quickly and went to kneel beside her afraid he hurt her in some way without knowing it. Taking both of her hands in his he raised them to lay a gentle kiss on each of them.

"Joy? What did I do wrong? I swear I didn't mean to make you cry."

Joy looked down at the man who knelt beside her and her heart filled with him. Never again would she look at another man without comparing him to this man.

"Johnny, these are the tears of contentment... of happiness. Please sit down and I'll tell you where the tears come from. Then you can tell me more about your wonderful grandmother."

Standing slowly Johnny kissed her on the forehead then went back to his chair to wait patiently for Joy to tell him what she seemed to need to.

"All of my life, I have been judged by the way I look. I've been told every day of my life how beautiful I am, how attractive and so forth. No one ever really looked at me though. All they saw was the outside. It's been a sort of prison that I have been sentenced to. There is another me that the world doesn't see, chooses not to see. Johnny, you looked into my eyes and saw me. The way I look was an afterthought to you. Do you know how much that means to me? When I look at you, when I am with you I feel free to be myself; the person I like being. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense. No one knows who I am either. I spent a great deal of my life as a bodyguard. Bodyguards are not supposed to be seen or heard. Then when they are supposed to be seen, it's for the wrong reason. Because of the type of job I held I refused to pull anyone into my life who could get hurt. So, I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to small talk or anything like that. Since committing my life to caring for Alexis until she is well, things have been different. I feel like I'm free now to be me too."

Realizing it had been awhile since he checked on Alexis, Johnny stood quickly and looked apologetically at Joy.

"I need to check on her. Do you mind, Joy?"

"No, Johnny. I don't mind. Want me to come with you?"

"No, that's ok. I won't be long. We need to get to this meal before it gets totally cold. Be right back."

Joy watched Johnny walk quickly out of the room and smiled. Thinking to herself, she spoke the words that had been swirling around in her mind ever since Johnny opened the door for her. 'You and I, Mr. Johnny are going to have a long and wonderful life together. You just don't know it yet.'

Sitting down next to Alexis, Johnny picked up her hand to begin caressing what he now referred to on a regular basis as the 'little peanut'.

"Hey partner, how's it going? Would you believe I think I finally found the woman my grandmother told me would be waiting for me? Sure do wish you would come on back and talk to me about it. I could sure use your input right about now. Would you mind if I go ahead and finish my date now? I'll check in with you every once in a while. See ya later, peanut. Uncle Johnny's got a date to get back to."

Touching Alexis once on the cheek and patting the child once more, Johnny eagerly returned to Joy.


	14. Chapter 14

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Chapter 14

It was early Sunday morning and Sonny had spent the night on his jet. Opening the door and setting his suitcase down he walked out to the balcony lifting his head breathing deeply the clean saltwater air. When he left Carnegie Hall he headed straight to Puerto Rico. Here he would find what he was looking for. He hoped. Closing his eyes he traveled back in time to one night...a night that was filled with magic.

**__**

"It's a beautiful view."

"Worth what I paid for it?"

"I doubt it."

He knew instantly what she meant. For Alexis it had never been about the money. She always centered on what lay between the lines. What he wasn't saying or couldn't say. But, somehow she always knew and she was always able to pull it out of him. Standing there he remembered how she looked at him. Without judgment, without criticism... just total acceptance and understanding for what his choices cost him. When her eyes pulled at him he willingly fell head long into their depths and for just that one moment he lost himself inside the idea of her and thought maybe... when she turned back to look at the view he let his eyes linger on her profile, and knew it was impossible. Alexis would never be anything more than a friend. 

Walking back into the room Sonny again recalled how she had walked into the room self-consciously fingering the folds of the silk wrap. 

He spied himself in the mirror that hung across the room next to the door and walked closer to it with her vision still before him.

**__**

"It's a gardenia... smells good. What do I do with it?"

"Well, sometimes the women out here, they put them in their hair."

"Ohhhh... I'm not the type of woman to wear a flower in my hair."

"I dare you."

With a little defiance and a lot of determination, she placed the flower in her hair. His heart stilled as he remembered how beautiful she looked.

Moments later he was walking through the empty casino as snatches of conversation assailed him.

**__**

"You took the house for 35,000 bucks."

"What if I had lost?"

"You don't lose." 

Watching her dance with the two gentlemen she had been a bit self-conscious, but uncharacteristically embraced the new experience. At the look of appreciation she gave her first partner, he felt an instant moment of jealousy. And then as she was spun into his arms he smiled in triumph.

**__**

"My Turn."

She moved freely in his arms. The salsa was all about movement... a dance of seduction. She amazed him and set his blood on fire as she moved against him.

Her eyes were bright with anticipation and excitement. He wanted to give her anything... everything... all that she desired. 

Stepping outside the casino he stood in front of the fountain. Taking a deep breath he remembered how she looked at him when he told her that whatever she wanted was hers. In that moment he looked at her as one who mattered to him. Now, as he looked back, he saw so much more. In adding the possibility of Alexis loving him, the look in her eyes took on so much more meaning. As she stared into his eyes he could now see that she was mentally questioning if she could actually have what she wanted. And she had wanted him, but was afraid to open herself up to the possibility. She wasn't willing to take the chance of possibly being rejected or worse, not have what she felt returned.

Returning to the suite, Sonny sat down to reflect on the quest he started the day before. The one thing he could say without reserve was that with Alexis he was a better man. There was light in his life when she was with him. Without Alexis around to reassure him that he wasn't worthless he gradually sank into the darkness that he had learned as a child was all that he deserved. Because he couldn't stop Deke, because he couldn't save his mother, or Lily, or his two children, or Alexis... he deserved the darkness. It was where he belonged.

Alexis was the only one who had been able to talk to him and bring him out of the darkness. She saw something in him worth saving and seeing himself through her eyes opened up the possibility that maybe there was something in him that was worth saving. That he did have worth. In traveling from place to place Sonny was able to grab onto enough of the essence of Alexis that the light of her was beginning to chase away the darkness that had festered in the recesses of his heart since walking away from her all those months ago.

Picking up the phone, Sonny called his pilot.

"Marco, let's go home."

Arriving back at the penthouse, Sonny went up stairs to shower and change for bed. It was a little early, but he was totally exhausted. Entering his bedroom, he looked toward his bed. Sitting down in the chair beside it he closed his eyes and relived every moment of that one night with Alexis. He had guided her upstairs and she followed willingly. There had only been one moment of hesitation.

**__**

"This is just... a little sudden."

"Not for me."

She accepted his response at face value and gave her all without restraint. Every woman he had ever been with gave him whatever he wanted, been whatever he needed at any particular moment. He was mesmerized by the intensity of Alexis' need of him. Love with Alexis was give and take. She gave what he needed and took from him what she needed. No emotion, no need, no want, no truth had been left untouched. She touched his heart, his mind... She touched him in ways that left no doubt in how much she cared for him. They both opened their soul and gave freely and completely. The laughter, the anger, the tears, the dance... it all culminated into one heartbreakingly exquisite moment. Alexis opened a part of his heart he never knew he possessed and he hadn't been able to find it again after that night. Staring at the bed, he slowlyreached his hand out and laid it down exactly where she had lain. Wanting more, he rose and knelt beside the bed and replaced his hand with his cheek.

**__**

"I think maybe you're right. Sometimes naming things, defining them, rationalizing them is basically pointless. Sometimes... You just feel what you feel."

She told him... in so many ways. He didn't have to hear it from Kristina. By her own actions, Alexis told him she loved him. Why didn't he see it for himself? Jason knew it. Johnny knew it. Kevin knew it. Even Ned and Jax had known it, while he himself did whatever he could to hide from it. He danced around it whenever the idea of it came up. He couldn't hide any longer. She gave him every part of herself and it had cost her. Now, it was his turn.

"Alexis, I do love you. I have loved you for so long. I need you to come home, Alexis. I need you to come home to me."


	15. Chapter 15

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Chapter 15

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and a gentle breeze was finding its freedom among the leaves of the trees. There was a fragrance of flowers and new mown lawn filling the air. It was a day of rest and serenity. It was the kind of day that memories hung on to for those times when one wanted to remember the simple pleasures of life. 

Johnny moved Alexis from her wheelchair to sit on a bench under his favorite oak tree and sat down on the ground beside her leaning back against the edge of the bench. He brought the funny papers with him and began to read them aloud to Alexis. Feeling a particularly fragrant breeze pass by, Johnny lifted his head up, closing his eyes and allowed the wind to play havoc with his hair. He reached back and gently caught Alexis' within his own and absently caressed the child within her. Wishing with all of his heart that Alexis could feel what he was feeling in that moment, he suddenly felt an uncertain hand come to rest on top of his head as hesitant fingers moved through his hair. Growing very still so as not to startle her, Johnny turned very slowly to face Alexis and looked up at her face. Her head was lifted slightly to catch the breeze more fully just as he had done a moment before. A small smile touched her lips.

Grasping the hand very tenderly that still lay on his head he stood cautiously and with his other hand touched her cheek lightly.

"Alexis?"

There was no immediate response, so Johnny softly called to her again.

"Alexis, can you hear me?"

With almost no visible movement at all Alexis' eyes slowly shifted and finally met his. Johnny could barely contain the joy he felt when all of a sudden he saw the most intense look of terror come over her. Johnny remembered Kevin telling him that they may have a memory problem due to the drugs she was on and he knew in that moment that Alexis did not recognize him.

"It's ok, Alexis. I will not hurt you and I will not let anyone else hurt you. I am here to protect you and I will do so even if it costs me my life. I am your friend and my name is Johnny. Please don't be afraid of me. Tell me whatever you want me to do and I'll do my best to see that it's done. I am here to see to your every need. I promise you, you do not have to be afraid of me."

Johnny saw the terror in her eyes dissipate some and stood very still as he watched Alexis slowly lift her hand to touch his cheek as if to assure herself that he was real.

"Johnny?"

"Yes, my name is Johnny. How do you feel, Alexis? Can you tell me?"

Her eyes moved back and forth and he could tell she was searching for a word to describe how she was feeling. Smiling reassuringly for her, he waited patiently.

"Groggy."

It was a quiet answer spoken hesitantly.

"That's because you've had a lot of medication being shoved at you. Can you tell me if you are in any pain or discomfort?"

"No pain... Do I know you?"

Stroking the back of her hand comfortingly Johnny moved very carefully to sit beside her.

"Yes, we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Did you know that you have become my new best friend lately?"

"Why?"

"Because you needed one. You needed to be taken care of and I wanted to, so here I am."

She shifted uncomfortably.

"Where am I?"

Unsure of how to proceed and how much to tell her, he decided not to tell her anything and leave that job to Kevin. Caressing the hand he still held in his own, he met her gaze as openly and honestly as he knew how.

"Alexis, I know you have a lot of questions. But, I am not a doctor and I am afraid to meddle in doctor things. What I do know is that it has been a long time since I have seen any kind of expression in those beautiful eyes of yours and I don't want to see any more fear in them. I wouldn't know how to handle it. So, can we just sit here a while and enjoy the afternoon. I don't want to take you in yet because it is such a beautiful day and I want you to be more comfortable and steadier before you have doctors and nurses poking and prodding you. Is that ok with you?"

Turning her head a little more to look directly into Johnny's eyes, Alexis saw nothing but concern for her. It was true, she was afraid. The last thing she remembered for sure was visiting Chloe in the hospital and she now found herself in very unfamiliar surroundings with a total stranger.

"I'm afraid."

"I know, partner. If I were in your shoes I would be too. But, I promise I won't let anything happen to you. You are safe with me."

Alexis needed to believe him. She needed time to put things together and figure out just what had happened to her. His eyes told her he cared… the he was in fact on her side and wanted to help. She took a chance… she smiled hesitantly.

"How long... are you staying?"

"For as long as you need me. I promised you that I would stay with you until you no longer needed me. My word is my bond. I will not fail you, Alexis."

"Thank you."

Johnny sat back with relief. She was willing to trust him for now. It was enough for their first conversation together.

"Would you like me to continue to read the funnies to you?"

"The funnies? I can't... remember... "

Johnny watched the confusion and fear cross her face and guessed what she had been about to say.

"Can't remember the last time you read the funnies, huh? Man, that's too bad. I'm a big fan of Superman myself; I guess you're probably more into the 'Family Circus' or probably the 'Peanuts' gang. I know... I'll bet you just love ol' Charlie Brown, don't you. Always did take up for the little guy, didn't you?"

Johnny's heart soared as he listened to Alexis laugh for the first time in more than a month.

"What's he up to these days?"

Johnny and Alexis sat there for the next hour enjoying the beautiful day. Johnny knew Alexis was in an agitated state of mind and kept calling her attention back to him with the funnies, jokes and humorous stories. Watching her carefully, Johnny finally decided it was time to call Kevin.

"Alexis, I would like to call the doc now and have him come by to check on you. Since he is probably at home right now, it will take a little bit for him to get here, so we have a little time to prepare you to meet him. Are you ok with that? It's totally up to you how we handle this, but I do think you need to see him just in case we need to change your medication any."

Growing tense at the idea, Alexis gazed into Johnny's totally open and honest face and relaxed into what felt normal. She teased him.

"You're going to let the crazy person decide?"

Johnny immediately froze at her response, then upon closer investigation saw the very distinctive twinkle in her eye.

"Well... I guess. I mean, don't you think it's about time you took over your own bath time?"

Watching her eyes widen in shock, Johnny laughed outright.

"Gotcha."

Alexis placed her hand on Johnny's arm and joined his laughter for a moment before growing serious.

"What, Alexis. What is it?"

"I'm not ready yet, Johnny. I need some time."

Alexis needed to be steadier and more in control of her surroundings before anyone else saw her. Taking hold of Johnny's hand she looked at him pleadingly.

"Please Johnny, give me until in the morning before I have to let them know I'm... here. Can I ask that much?"

Looking at her compassionately Johnny knew how much it was costing her to ask for time. To willingly give someone else control over a decision that directly affected her went against the very fiber of her soul.

"How good an actress are you, counselor? 

She breathed her relief.

"Thank you, Johnny."

"I'm here for you, Alexis. For as long as you need me. No amount of wild horses or even Charlie Brown himself could take me away from you. That's a promise from me to you."

"Not even Charlie Brown, huh?" 

Johnny grinned widely and laughed outright looking around quickly to see if anyone had heard him.

"Ok, we have a bit of an alliance here against the system. I think though, for your protection as well as mine, I need to know just how you're feeling. Physically."

"Actually I feel... "

Grabbing her stomach, Alexis looked down and then back to Johnny.

"Am I sick, Johnny? Is there something wrong with me?"

Feeling his heart sink, Johnny knew exactly what Alexis was feeling. The little peanut was probably making herself known. He considered for a moment telling her it was just some kind of stomach virus, but immediately threw the idea out. She would never forgive him for lying to her. So taking a deep breath he put his arm around her and took her hand in his.

"No, my friend. You are not sick. It is because of these types of questions that I think we should call your doctor. I don't know if you are strong enough to be able to handle some of the truths that you are going to have to face in the next few days. If you would be willing to trust me when I tell you that your health is great and leave the inevitable questions alone for now, then I can assure you that you will have some of your answers tomorrow."

"Trust? Why does that word strike such an intense fear in me, Johnny?"

Watching Johnny's head fall, Alexis knew she would not be able to wait for answers to just come to her. She needed them now.


	16. Chapter 16

****

Chapter 16

"Johnny, look at me."

Putting her hand under his chin she lifted slightly bringing his eyes up to meet her gaze.

"I need to know what's wrong with me. If you're worried whether I'll take a flying leap again, don't. I'm not going anywhere. You're here, and I tru... have confidence in you."

"Alexis, please. Can't you wait... "

"No, Johnny. I can't wait."

Suddenly an idea presented itself to Johnny that he hoped she would go along with.

"Alexis, I have had help taking care of you. You have a personal nurse, whose name is Joy. She has devoted her time to you just like I have. You have met her before. She came to you a few years ago and asked you to help her father. He was sent to jail for embezzlement."

"I was able to overturn the verdict, right? He was uhmmm… framed I think. Joy... uhm... Martelli. Joy is my nurse?"

Smiling broadly Johnny nodded in agreement then continued.

"Could I ask Joy to come join us just in case. She is just as devoted to your care as I am and we won't have any problem getting her to agree to holding off on calling your doctor."

Alexis studied him for a moment wondering whether or not she could trust him them quietly agreed.

"Ok, Johnny. But, I think I would like to go in now. I'm getting pretty tired."

Taking hold of her hands Johnny knelt down on the ground beside her and looked up into her face with a mixture of fear, concern and affection.

"Alexis, are you ok? I'm really worried about you."

Pulling her hands from his, Alexis cupped his face within her palms.

"For someone who seems to have a pretty selective memory, I seem to be doing just fine. Johnny, don't worry. I tell you what... why don't we make up some kind of code for when things get to be a bit too much for me then you can step in and rescue me."

"I'd be willing to back off a bit if you would promise me you'd do that."

Laughing gently, Alexis urged him from his knees to sit once again by her side.

"You have my word as an officer of the court. If you're close to me, I'll lay my hand on your arm and if you're across the room, I'll… I'll pull on my earlobe, like Carol Burnett does. How's that?"

"It's a deal. Now give me a sec and I'll call Joy to meet us back in your room. Are you ready for your acting debut? I'll have to pick you up and put you back into your wheelchair, then push you back inside. If you play your cards right, I just might be able to secure an Academy Award for you."

Laughing at his silliness, Alexis covered her mouth to keep her laughter from reaching any ears that might be within hearing distance. Waiting patiently for Johnny to call Joy, Alexis let her eyes roam around the grounds. She was more afraid and anxious than she was letting Johnny know. It felt like a heavy blanket covered her mind and it was making it difficult to stay focused enough to carry on a decent conversation. She was having to work too hard to put her words together in a way that would not alert Johnny to the trouble she was having. There were gaps in her memory and it was scaring her senseless. As a little more clarity surfaced she knew she would have to be honest with Johnny so that he could watch for signs of a relapse.

Reaching Joy just as she finished preparing Alexis' dinner tray, Johnny asked that she hurry because he needed to talk to her. Disconnecting the call, he focused on Alexis and could tell something was on her mind. 

"Hey partner. What's up? I didn't feel your hand on my arm, and you didn't pull on your ear, but there is definitely something going on here. Be honest with me, Alexis. What's bothering you?"

"You're a pretty smart man, Johnny. I was just thinking that I probably needed to be a little more honest with you about something."

Taking a deep breath, Alexis let her eyes again roam around the grounds. Without looking back at Johnny, she told him what was bothering her.

"I'm not doing as well as I intended you to believe. I didn't want you worrying about me, but I also didn't want you to go calling all kinds of head doctors in to start pulling me apart piece by piece. I need to do this in my own way, but I also know that I need someone watching me. You know, in case I... well, in case I disappear again. Do you understand, Johnny? I need you to watch for anything weird, but I also need you to let me do as much as I can on my own."

Listening to her concerns, Johnny could tell by some of her slurred words that she was probably getting real tired by now. And because he had no way of knowing if it meant anything else he bent down and picked her up to put her back into her wheelchair. He needed to get her to her room fast so Joy could look at her.

"Alexis, I understand. You may not remember me, but I know more about you than I've led you to believe. You and I have spent a lot of time together and I know how much you need to be in control of your own life. I will do my best to see that you stay in control. Now, please, be a good little girl and let me get you inside so Joy can look you over."

Sending him a look of total gratitude she lay her hand once more against his cheek.

"Thanks, Johnny. Now, come on, you've got a woman with a vacancy upstairs to sneak past the guards at the gate."

"Oh man, how bad is that?" Johnny laughed with her and set off to sneak her inside without any one noticing that Alexis Davis had rejoined the world with at least her sense of humor intact.

Rounding the corner on his way to the room, he saw Joy standing in the hall pacing back and forth waiting for him. When she caught sight of him she ran to him.

"Johnny, what's wrong. You sounded like there was something wrong."

"Joy, not out here. Please hang on until I get Alexis inside."

Opening the door and pushing Alexis into the living room he called back to Joy to make sure the door was closed and locked.

Going to do as he asked, she locked the door then returned to the living room and let out a squeal. Alexis was standing up without assistance, looking straight at her and smiling.

"Alexis?"

"Hi, Joy. It's been a while since I saw you last. How are you?"

Rushing toward Alexis she stopped when she saw Alexis touch Johnny's arm and Johnny in turn raised his hand motioning her to stop.

"She's still a little wobbly, Joy. No quick movements. Ok?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. How long has she... been with us, Johnny?"

"Uh... Joy, you can ask me. Johnny doesn't need to be my mouthpiece... "

As she said the word 'mouthpiece' a pain shot through her head and she lifted her hand in an attempt to stop it. But the pain left as quickly as it came leaving her completely exhausted.

"Johnny, I need to sit down."

Once she settled onto the couch, she returned her focus to Joy.

"Joy, please sit with me here. We have to talk to you."

Setting her personal feelings aside, Joy began to look at Alexis through her professional eyes noting that Alexis was more pale than usual and her hands were shaking slightly. Looking closer she noticed her pupils were dilated and slow to react. 

"Alexis, I need to get Dr. Collins in here to assess your condition."

"Not yet, Joy. Johnny and I talked about it and we agreed that I could wait until in the morning. I let him call you, so that you could reassure him that I can make it through the night on my own. He assures me that you can be trusted."

Joy looked up a Johnny, slightly frowned and then looked back at Alexis.

"Do you have a headache of any kind, Alexis?

"No, I don't. And before we get into all of your questions I have one of my own."

Johnny moved closer and knelt beside Alexis. Taking one of her hands in his he spoke very quietly and gently to her.

"Are you sure you won't wait until in the morning, Alexis?"

Looking at him compassionately Alexis squeezed his hand.

"If you know me as well as you say you do, then you know I can't, Johnny. It's time you told me what's wrong with me."

Joy looked at Johnny and found he was looking at her. When he knew he had her attention he slid his eyes toward Alexis' stomach and frowned slightly. Joy, finally understanding what Alexis was referring to lifted her own hand to lay on top of Johnny's who still held onto Alexis.

"Ok, Johnny. Go ahead... tell her. But, Alexis, it is very important that you do not let what you will hear cause an unhealthy amount of stress. You will need to exercise that enormous amount of control everyone is telling me you have. Once you have the news you want, you must promise to let Johnny hover and pamper you as much as you are comfortable with until you are stable enough to handle it on your own. What I'm saying Alexis, is that you cannot run and hide. Mentally or physically. You must talk about what you feel. Tell Johnny whatever comes into your mind. We cannot take the chance of you going into overload because you're holding everything inside. Do I have your word that you will do as I ask? If not, I have no choice but to call Dr. Collins."

"You have my word, Joy. I promise."

Turning and giving her full attention to the man who knelt beside her; she saw the concern and fear etched in his face.

"Johnny, it's ok. I can handle it. You're going to be here with me and I promise if I get into any trouble I'll yell. Johnny, please... tell me."

Closing his eyes briefly and resolving himself to the task he looked up at Joy for strength then back to Alexis. Tightening his hold on her hand slightly, he told her.

"Alexis, you're pregnant.


	17. Chapter 17

****

Chapter 17

Johnny was watching Alexis very carefully to see how she would take the news of her pregnancy. The moment he saw her eyes glaze he let go of her and caught her head between his hands.

"Alexis. Alexis, look at me. You promised me you wouldn't go anywhere. Look at me, Alexis."

Waiting just a moment and not seeing a response, Johnny gently moved Joy out of the way and sat down beside Alexis. He took her into his arms and started rocking her. 

"Alexis, it's me Johnny. It's ok. We'll get through this together. You are not alone. I'm here. Come on, Alexis. Let me know you trust me. I need to know you trust me to help you through this. Please, don't leave me partner. You told me you'd let me know when you were in trouble. You can't just leave me without a sign. Alexis, please."

Johnny felt her arms come up slowly and wrap around his waist. She shuddered once and began to cry.

"Johnny, don't let go. I feel like I'm coming apart inside. Don't let me go. I don't want to go back there. Hold me, Johnny."

Johnny looked up at Joy with tears streaming down his face and motioned her to sit down behind Alexis. 

Understanding immediately what he wanted her to do; Joy took her place behind Alexis and held her from behind.

"Alexis, don't hide from what you're feeling. You need to feel it. You have to voice the emotion so that it doesn't become so big that it takes control of you instead of you controlling it. Tell Johnny what's going on. Tell him what you are feeling. You know you can trust him."

Alexis knew that Joy was only trying to help but she her closeness began to feel confining; Alexis pulled back just enough to put a little space between her and Johnny without letting his arms fall completely away from her. In a small hesitant voice she spoke to Joy.

"Joy, I need some room. Thank you for your help, but I need a little space."

The immediate sense of relief that came when Joy backed away was replaced with panic as she felt Johnny's arms fall away from her.

"No, Johnny, don't let go. Don't let me go, not yet. It feels like there is a black hole waiting for me and if you let go I'm afraid I'll slip into it."

"I'm right here, partner. And you're not going anywhere. Talk to me. Whatever you want to talk about. Just talk until you're steadier."

"Do you think that will really help? I mean, I'm sitting here faced with the fact that I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is. And if the baby is already big enough for me to feel it moving then that means I've lost track of months instead of days. How do I deal with that?"

"Slowly Alexis. We take it very slowly. It's going to be ok. You know how I know that?"

Johnny wanted an answer. He needed to keep her active in the conversation and he needed her to use her ability to reason. He knew she was waiting for him to continue so he asked the question again.

"Alexis, do you know how I know that it's all going to be ok?"

Her answer came hesitantly.

"How?"

"Because I know you. I know you are a fighter. You don't take anything from anyone. You are the strongest woman I know. You remind me a lot of my grandmother. You always have. You're feisty, intelligent, compassionate and determined. You don't give up. You have a child who is depending on you for its life. Let's say we make a deal right here and right now. I won't let you down and you won't let this child you're carrying down. Deal?"

Johnny moved away and let his arms fall to his side, then in an exaggerated move he raised one hand and offered it to her hoping she would take him up on his deal.

Alexis looked into the face that was offering her so much more than just a deal. Johnny was telling her that he would be there to catch her if she started to fall, to protect her from the past that she couldn't remember and help her deal with the knowledge that she was now a mother. Smiling up at his expectant face she raised her hand and slid it into his without hesitation.

"Deal."

"Thanks, partner."

"Don't mention it."

Pulling her into his arms, Johnny needed to hug her once more. To cement his promise to her and to rest in the fact that she was alive and fighting her way back. He smiled triumphantly when he felt her arms go around him without fear, without hesitation and he laughed lightly when she tightened her hold on him. Leaving one arm around Alexis he reached behind her and caught hold of Joy's hand and held it.

Letting go of Johnny and leaning back on the couch, Alexis eyed her companions. There was only one more question she wanted answered tonight and she knew they were not going to want to answer it. But, they were going to whether they liked it or not.

"Johnny, one more question and we shelve the whole thing for the night. I'm tired, but I need one more answer from you. And please don't give me any trouble about it. What is today's date, Johnny?"

Johnny didn't know what to do. He looked back at Joy for help.

Joy had seen enough in the last hour to know it would be useless to try and stall Alexis. The woman was very strong-willed and determined. Laying her hand on Johnny's shoulder she looked pointedly at Alexis.

"I am going to allow Johnny to answer you Alexis, but you are going to be shocked by the answer you get. Just remember, you made a deal with Johnny and since he has invested a lot of time in you... well, you need to know he made a promise to himself that he would not leave Ferncliff unless he left with you well."

Wide-eyed, Alexis let her eyes return to Johnny and saw the evidence of the tears he had shed on her behalf.

"Is that true, Johnny?"

She watched him duck his head and blush profusely before she heard his faint answer.

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess that's that. We best get busy then. First order of business in getting Alexis back to playing with a full deck of cards is, knowing what day it is. Ok partner, let's have it and no fudging."

Johnny looked closely at her and nodded resolutely at the determination he saw in her eyes.

"September, 2002."

The look on her face broke his heart. He watched helplessly as she clutched the lapels on his shirt and lean forward to lay her head down just above his heart. He felt her tears soak his shirt and again felt his own. Silently thanking Joy, he felt her lay her head on the back of his shoulder and rub his back trying to comfort him knowing what this was doing to him. He barely heard Alexis speak, and leaned his head down toward her.

"What was that partner, I didn't hear you. Tell me again."

"A year. I've lost more than a year."

Raising her head, but not letting go of him she closed her eyes.

"What could have happened to me that would cause me to want to forget a whole year of my life? Johnny, what did I do?"

He pulled her back into his embrace and rocked her gently.

"You didn't do anything, Alexis. You just needed a rest. You said one more question; I gave you your answer. It is enough for one night. Please, no more. You need time to adjust to what you've learned tonight. You need to take a break."

"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can stop the wheels turning in my head. I think my curiosity got the best of me this time, Johnny."

Johnny was desperately worried about his friend and he could tell by the look on Joy's face that she was as well.

"Will you please let me call Dr. Collins, Alexis. I can't tell you how scared I am right now. I don't want to wait until in the morning. Let me make this one decision on your behalf. For you, for your health and for the little peanut; please let me."

Alexis looked up into the most compassionate and beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She didn't mind admitting to this wonderful man that she was just as scared as he was and probably much more so. It was frightening her that it was night and the time for sleep was fast approaching. Her child needed her sane. Witnessing the play of emotion on Johnny's face she reverted back to what she knew best. Make the other person feel better at any cost.

"The little peanut. Johnny, you're calling my child a peanut?" 

"Uh, yeah. And don't change the subject on me, partner."

Laughing gently at him, she tapped his nose a couple of times before answering him

"I'm not, go ahead and call him. I think maybe it might not be such a bad idea after all. And just for the record, we're not finished with this 'peanut' business yet."

Joy had sat silently worrying about how to handle the situation. She knew Johnny wanted to let Alexis handle her recovery as much as possible, but medically Joy knew they were walking in very dangerous territory. Relieved that Alexis was allowing the doctor to be called in, she stood and lay a hand on Johnny's shoulder. 

"I'll make the call, Johnny. And Alexis thank you. Being the nurse in the bunch, you don't know how much I needed you to make that decision."


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18                                                    **

As Alexis, Joy and Johnny awaited the arrival of Kevin Collins, Johnny began thinking about Sonny. He received a call from Max earlier that morning letting him know that Sonny was out of the country, but would be calling when he got back in to check on Alexis.  Johnny couldn't help but wonder what Sonny was up to.  What could be so important that he would leave town when Alexis was in trouble?  It didn't make sense to him.  But then again, he didn't know that Alexis had awakened.

With Alexis on shaky ground given that she now knew she was pregnant and seemed to have lost a considerable amount of her memory; Johnny was unsure about what Sonny needed to know at this point. When Sonny wanted something, there wasn't much that could stand in his way of obtaining it. If Sonny knew Alexis was back and wanted to see her, it was going to be up to Johnny and Kevin to stop him if need be and it could get ugly.

While his mind was working out ways of handling Sonny, Johnny absently took hold of Alexis' hand and began caressing the child. Meeting resistance he recognized what he had done and froze. He shot a quick look up at Alexis. Seeing the shock on her face he ducked his head in embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I didn't mean... It was just... habit."

Seeing his discomfort and trying to process what he had done she raised her other hand to cover his that lay frozen atop hers across her abdomen.

"Johnny, is there some connection here that I don't know about?"

Without an immediate answer coming from him, Alexis started putting two and two together on her own. Coming up with what she felt was the obvious answer she quickly moved away from him.

Not knowing what to do, Johnny stood and looked quickly at Joy who sensing Alexis' confusion moved quickly toward Alexis.

Watching her two companions begin to move into a protective mode, she took a couple of steps away from both of them and lifted her hands to stop them from coming any closer. Looking into the petrified eyes of Johnny she addressed him.

"Why didn't you tell me, Johnny? Why didn't you tell me you were my baby's father? Why don't I know you?"

She watched him slowly sink to his knees as his eyes misted then looked up at her with a mask of guilt and horror for how his unconscious familiar touch disturbed and frightened her. Her heart was hurting for him, but the fear she felt for herself was so much more tangible than what she felt for him in that moment. As he started to answer her it was impossible to miss the fear, the pain, and concern for her in his voice.

"Alexis, please believe me, I am not the father of your child. I am your friend. I only did what I needed to do to make sure your baby was ok. I would never have done anything to hurt you."

Joy drew closer to Johnny, kneeled beside him and kissed him on the cheek. She felt the tremors of fear in his body brought on by the damage he worried his touch may have caused Alexis by not thinking before he acted. From talking to him and hearing him speak of his background she knew that the thought of disrespecting a woman and especially Alexis was tearing him apart inside right now.

"Let me Johnny. Let me explain it to her."

Alexis watched Joy approach Johnny and seeing the bond the two of them shared became even more confused.

"Joy, what's going on here?"

Rising and walking back to Alexis, Joy took both of Alexis' hands into her own and led her back to the couch and sat down beside her.

"Alexis, about a month ago, Johnny began visiting you every day. There has not been one day that has passed without him coming here to visit you. Before you arrived here, you and Johnny were only passing acquaintances. But, he admired you for the woman he knew you to be. So, he wanted to do something for you. He wanted to do what he could to help you return to your life. When Dr. Collins found out that Johnny was making himself so available to you, he called Johnny in to talk to him and presented Johnny with a plan for your recovery. Johnny agreed to it without hesitation. The only question he voiced was what would happen to you if he failed you. Part of the program that was set up for you included what also needed to be done in regards to the health of your baby. With your inability to care for the child, it was up to Johnny to provide what you couldn't. So, Dr. Collins told Johnny that the best way for the child to get the sense of being loved and protected was for Johnny to begin talking to and caressing the child as much as possible. Johnny tried to do that but he felt so intrusive in touching you so personally that he came up with the idea of taking your hand and forcing you to caress the child. And it has worked, because the latest test results we have of your little girl is that she is completely healthy and her growth schedule is right on track. Don't be upset with him, Alexis. He has done all he can to see to the well-being of not only you but your little girl as well."

Understanding the enormity of the sacrifice Johnny was making for her, Alexis stood and went to Johnny. Taking his hands in hers she pulled him from his knees and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thank you, Johnny; for taking care of us... of me... and of my child. Thank you. I promise I will never doubt you again. And you have my undying love and loyalty for the rest of my life. And I'll make sure your god child knows the sacrifices you have made for us."

Letting go of the fear that gripped him, Johnny put his arms around Alexis and held on tightly. 

"My god child? That suits me just fine. Just don't go taking a jump off the high dive again. I'd like us to walk out of here together and very soon."

Laughing at his attempt to ease the tension in the room, Alexis took his face between her hands and kissed him on the cheek. 

Releasing him she took a step back and looked from him to Joy and back again.

"You two have something to tell me? I mean it's a little hard to miss."

Ducking his head shyly and reaching to take Joy's hand into his he glanced over at her.

"Well, yeah. We're kinda seeing each other."

"Johnny, how do you 'kinda' see someone?"

"Well... uh."

Alexis correctly put the pieces together this time.

"Oh, I get it. You haven't left my side so having any kind of a normal date has been impossible. Well, that just won't work. Tomorrow night you two are going on a real date. Joy, I'm sure we can get another nurse to baby-sit me. No arguments - that's final."

Hearing the door open all three of them turned to see Kevin Collins enter the room.

"Kevin?"

Alexis couldn't believe it. A familiar and comfortable face finally, in a world of chaos and uncertainty.

Kevin starred at the woman he had been so concerned about for so long standing there regal as ever, looking at him as though he were a ghost.

"Hello, counselor. Took you long enough."

"Are you my doctor?"

"Guilty as charged, at least this time."

Alexis looked at Johnny and smiled, took his hand and then took Joy's. As she drew them together she placed Joy's hand into Johnny's then looked back up at Johnny.

"Take your sweetheart for a walk. I'll be fine. Kevin will look out for me while you're gone."

Johnny did not want to leave Alexis. He was afraid she would need him and he wouldn't be there. Opening his mouth to protest, he held his breath as she brought her fingers up to cover his mouth.

"No arguments, Johnny. I need to talk to Kevin; I'll be fine. Tell you what, give me thirty minutes and you can come running back to check on me. But please, go... spend some time with Joy. You both deserve it."

Putting a hand on both of their shoulders she turned them toward the door and gave them a slight push. As Johnny left her sight, she felt a sense of panic come over her and forced herself to calm down.

"You'll forgive me if I seem a little out of sorts, but it seems my new best friend just left the room and I seem to be missing at least the last year of my life. Care to explain that to me, Kevin?"

Kevin smiled and walked over to Alexis. Gesturing toward the couch he looked pointedly at her.

"Care to sit down, counselor? Looks like you've gotten a head start on me in the answers department. Tell me, what did you threaten Johnny with to get the answers you wanted?"


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 

Sitting down and getting comfortable Alexis waited until Kevin joined her before answering him.

"I didn't threaten Johnny. It seems he knows me well enough to know that I am not very patient when it comes to others trying to control me or what I get to know and not know."

Eyeing her with concern and the practiced eye of a physician, Kevin began to delve into just how much Alexis knew versus how much she actually remembered.

"So, what do you know now that wasn't a part of your last memory?"

"Well, since Johnny didn't think it wise to enlighten me, my little girl decided it was time I knew of her existence."

"Ok, so you know you're pregnant. What else?"

"Not so fast, Kevin. Is my baby, healthy? Is she ok? And don't play any of your psycho games with me. I may be a little fuzzy regarding what I remember, but I am very lucid and very alert. Don't lie to me and don't give me any half-truths. Just give it to me straight."

Laughing at her now infamous determination and steely resolve, Kevin sat back and crossed his legs.

"I wouldn't dream of giving you anything less than the absolute truth and nothing but the truth, counselor. Your baby is just fine. She is growing and developing at a normal rate and should deliver at best guess late January or early February. Now, before you start bombarding me with questions, I have a few of my own that have to take precedence simply because, well... I am the doctor and you are the patient. So, just how long have you been awake and pushing that computerized brain of yours?"

Sliding Kevin a wry grin, Alexis folded her arms and settled in for what she expected to be an inquisition of major proportions.

"Since this afternoon, and I refused to let Johnny call you until I was ready for you. And I'm not entirely sure I am now, but I don't want to take any chances of taking another leap into the twilight zone. So, how are we going to avoid that and still bring me up to speed on what's been going on in my life that would cause me to prefer 'la la' land to my own life?"

This was not going to be easy. Kevin was faced with a very high-strung patient who was walking a very tenuous line. She was still in danger psychologically and she didn't realize it... or maybe she did. Alexis was a very intelligent woman able to process facts and suppositions at an alarming rate. Deciding to take the direct approach with her he took hold of her wrist to check her pulse and kept his hand there. He would be able to gauge by her pulse what was happening with her mentally.

"Ok Alexis, I realize that you are not like most of my patients. I expected you to come out lucid and able to function, but I did not expect you to be able to reason as well as you are. So, that lets you off the hook with my normal mode of handling your type of case. That being said, there are still risks here and if you are as smart as I think you are, then you already know some of the risks and have probably already had to fight the pull of the other side. Am I right?"

Kevin watched as Alexis stood and moved across the room to put distance between them and probably to release herself from his hold on her. By her response he knew he hit on a very real problem she was already facing. He patiently waited for her to respond knowing instinctively that it was the only reason she allowed Joy to call him.

"Yes. Johnny did have to pull me back. I was almost gone again. How do we stop it, Kevin? How do I keep from going back?"

"By allowing me to do my job. By taking it slow with all the questions. By allowing yourself to be open to the fact that you are not invulnerable. And most importantly, you have to stop this insane need you have to be in control at all times, at all cost. I believe the reason you fell into catatonia was because you felt you lost all control over your life and everything around you. At least, that is the major cause of the fall. There are other important factors, but I believe they are just a sideline of the basic problem."

Shaking her head, Alexis was having trouble with the fact that Kevin had to have been talking to a lot of people in order to get that kind of information about her. Problem was, there wasn't anything she could do about it, she needed him to help her through this. Or did she?

"I see you've been doing your homework. But, for the record, from now on if you need any information about me I want to know ahead of time. Just maybe I can provide you with what you need without my friends or family being pulled into this."

Kevin sighed with frustration.

"Now you see, that is exactly what I mean. You have lost months of your memory and are not able to recollect just what has happened to you, yet here you are trying to control my care of you without benefit of a degree in medicine, much less a full grasp of the facts. And believe me, in order for me to help you; your law degree is not going to be of much use to you at this point. I don't mean to be hard on you Alexis, but it's going to be difficult enough to get you back to 100%without you limiting my every move. I have every reason to believe that your memories are going to be coming to light sooner than I need them to, but that's just something we are going to have to deal with."

Acknowledging the truth of his words Alexis gave in and went to sit back down beside him.

"Alright I'm scared, Kevin. Plain and simple. When I feel like I've been backed into a corner I come out fighting. And the corner I'm up against this time feels like it has prison bars surrounding me and the only way out is a black hole that's just waiting to swallow me... waiting for me to let my guard down so it can suck me back in. And if that weren't enough… just tell me how I'm supposed to lay down tonight like a normal person and sleep when I'm afraid I won't wake up in the morning."

Her agitated body language told Kevin that she had just confessed  the one thing that was causing her the most anguish.

"That's it, isn't it?"

"What?"

"You can somewhat handle everything else that has come to light so far, but that bed in there has you simply terrified."

Standing and crossing the room again, Alexis looked for a clock somewhere and not finding one said quietly as if it would bring him...

"Shouldn't Johnny be back by now?"

"Alexis... "

Watching her start to pace... he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial.

"Johnny, can you come on back. Our lady lawyer needs a little help."

Putting his cell phone back in his pocket he noticed Alexis throw him a look of gratitude and walk closer to the door to wait for Johnny to arrive. 

"It's not that I don't... trust you, Kevin. I've just had enough for one night and Johnny... "

"I know, Alexis. It's Johnny's job to get rid of me or anyone else that pushes you too hard. It's ok. You have had enough for one night. You need to rest. And I need you to know that it's ok for you to sleep. I will be stopping the medication I have you on as of now, but I am going to replace it with a mild relaxant that will enable you to process things easier without the extreme level of stress you seem to crave."

Jumping slightly at the sound of the door opening, Alexis looked anxiously for Johnny to come in and when she saw him round the corner she grinned sheepishly and reached up to pull on her ear.

As he rounded the corner, Johnny didn't need to see Alexis take advantage of the sign they agreed earlier on to know that she was on overload, he could see the tension and fear in her eyes. Smiling at her reassuringly he turned to face Kevin.

"Doc, it's time for you to go. Sorry, but she's the boss. Tell me what I need to watch for and then please see that Joy gets to her car safely."

Watching Johnny take over for her, a small tear of gratitude slipped down her cheek and Alexis escaped to her room where she let go of the emotions she had been holding onto with tight resolve. Lying down on the bed she pulled the pillow to her chest and cried. She lay there only a few minutes when she felt Johnny come in and sit down beside her. Needing to be held by someone she sat up and put her arms around Johnny and relaxed when he put his arms around her and began rocking her back and forth speaking quiet words of comfort to her.

"Johnny, it's too much. How am I supposed to handle it all if I can't control it?"

"Hey partner, right now, you just need to focus on the fact that you are here and you have the little peanut to take care of. Everything else will come in time. Don't force yourself to do something you're not ready for. It's ok that you don't remember things. It's ok that it scares you. And it's ok, to tell Doc Nosey that you need a break."

A small chuckle slipped from her throat and letting go of him, Alexis reached toward the nightstand for a tissue.

"Doc Nosy, huh? That's a good one. Johnny?" Taking hold of his hand she looked down and toyed with one of his fingers.

Johnny could see by her face that Alexis wanted something from him, but couldn't bring herself to ask.  Such a creature of habit this woman was.  Always so hesitant to ask for help or even admit to the possibility of even needing someone's help.  

"What do you need, partner?"

It took several moments before Alexis quietly answered him without looking up at him and without giving any indication of needing anything from him.  But she did need him and he knew it.  Her thoughts were as open to him in that moment as they were to her and there was only one way he could alleviate her concern.

"Where are you going to be tonight? Do you sleep on the couch or do you have another room somewhere in the building?"

"Come on, partner. I'll show you."

Taking her by the hand, Johnny led her back into the living room and toward the hallway. Pulling her up to walk in front of him he guided her to the door of his own room. Reaching around her he turned the knob and shoved the door open.

"I wasn't kidding, Alexis. I'm not leaving here without you."

Alexis looked into the room and saw an almost identical room to her own with the addition of a video monitor attached to his beside table. Looking back over her shoulder at him with fresh tears she grabbed his hand.

"You really are actually living with me?"

"I told you, I'm in this for the duration. You and me, we're standing against the world together. Now, your day has been extreme and it's been long. Peanut needs her rest and since I have not been exercising my right as her godfather, you need to pay a little attention to her tonight before you lay down. Capeche?"

Hugging him tight she whispered.

"Capeche. And for the record, I wish you wouldn't call my daughter a peanut."

"Tough luck, counselor. She's used to it now and already knows it's me when she hears it. You don't have a prayer of winning that one."

Walking her back to her room he continued talking to her soothingly.

"Do you know how I know she knows her name? I was in the room for your last ultrasound and the nurse told to me to put my hand just above where she was and she kicked me. At least I think it was a kick... all I know is there was definite movement. So I leaned down called her peanut and told her that her Uncle Johnny was there to take care of her and her mommy and I'd do whatever I had to for her… she kicked me again to let me know she heard me. So, like I said you lost that one."

"A little bossy aren't you?"

Reaching her bedroom door she turned to Johnny with an expectant look on her face.

"Could you give me a few minutes to change and then come talk to me for awhile?"

"Sure, just holler when you're ready."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 

Giving Alexis enough time to change into bedclothes and settle in for the night, Johnny was just returning with a cup of tea when he heard his cell phone ring. Juggling the cup of tea with one hand he pulled his phone out of his pocket with the other.

"Hello."

"Johnny? It's Kevin. How's Alexis?"

"She's on overload, Doc. I'm real worried about her."

"I know, Johnny. Look, all you have to do is see that she gets some sleep. Remember what I told you. Check on her a couple of times during the night. If she seems agitated gently touch her, her mind will recognize your touch and she should settle."

**_"_****_JOHNNY?_****_"_**

"COMING. Gotta go, doc. Alexis is calling me?"

"That's fine. Just don't hesitate to call me if you need me tonight. I'll be around early in the morning?"

"Hey doc, you might want to think about what you're going to do about Sonny. He's going to be coming by tomorrow and I don't think she remembers him. And I know she doesn't remember Kristina. You have to be real careful with this stuff, Doc."

"Yeah, I know. This is not going to be easy. See you in the morning, Johnny."

"Bye, Doc."

Entering her bedroom, he saw she had settled into bed and was sitting up against the pillows her eyes big and dark. She looked like a little girl lost among the covers. Stepping up to the bed he handed her the cup of tea.

"What's this?" She asked him skeptically.

"It's just tea, Alexis. Nothing but. Hey, it's not my style to drug people; especially without them knowing it, smartie."

"Ok, Ok, so I'm a little suspicious. Who can blame me? As far as I know, I just met you today and I haven't seen any of my friends since I came back from the abyss. It's just a little… disconcerting."

"Does it help to joke about the... well… you know."

"See, you can't say it either. So don't go trying to analyze me, smartie."

He smiled at her obvious dodge of the subject and lifted her head slightly with his forefinger to catch her eye.

"Tell you what, why don't we say it together on the count of three. Maybe if we both get used to the word, then maybe we both will be able to handle it better. See, the doc has said it and Joy has said it, but I just haven't been able to attach that word to my friend. So, what do you say? On the count of three?"

Taking hold of his hand and looking him straight in the eye, Alexis began counting.

"One... Two... Three... "

"_Catatonia_."

Johnny laughed outright realizing that she had duped him into saying it alone.

"Ok, Miss Smartie, that just means you have to say it all by yourself now. I tried to make it easier on you, but nooooooooooo... you had to go and make me say it all by myself. Ok... your turn counselor."

Seeing her face become serious, Johnny took both of her hands in his and waited.

"I know I have to say it, Johnny. I know... "

**_**_****_Alexis, You're Imploding**_****__**

As the words raced through her mind she grabbed her head against the immediate jolt of pain and moaned falling forward toward Johnny.

Fear raced through Johnny as he saw her reaction to something she was experiencing internally. Taking her by the shoulders he held her steadily.

"Alexis, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Someone... talking to me. Saying something. I don't know who it was; couldn't see them. It hurts. Same thing happened once earlier. Just once though."

"It's normal, Alexis. According to the doc, he says that it's just the memories surfacing. Things will get triggered and you'll remember something. You just have to let it come on its own and don't force it. So, we are going to change the subject and talk about something safe and easy. Should I leave it up to you and hope you'll be a good little girl and play nice?"

"I'm too tired to argue at this point."

"Just lay down, Alexis and I'll read to you awhile."

"No Johnny, just talk to me. Tell me about Joy or what you do for a living... whatever. Just talk to me."

Understanding her need to be able to center herself in the present; Johnny began to tell her stories of his childhood. As be started his third story he glanced over at Alexis and saw that she had fallen asleep. Quietly standing he placed one arm around her waist and placed his other hand at the top of her back then with great care eased her down from her sitting position so she was more able to sleep comfortably. Turning off the bedside light he went into the living room to dim the light in there for when he would return to check on Alexis during the night.

Settling into his own bed, he reached over and turned on the monitor so he could see Alexis in her room. Until tonight he had not felt a need to turn up the volume on the monitor, but with the obvious anxiety that she was experiencing he felt better knowing he could now hear as well as see her.

Reliving the events of the day, Johnny couldn't help but smile. Alexis was back and except for the problem of her memory, she seemed to be handling it all very well considering the extent of the situation she now found herself in. Closing his eyes he drifted off to sleep as he chuckled at one of her attempts at humor earlier in the day.

________________

Sitting up in bed instantly, Johnny couldn't figure out what awakened him. Looking toward the monitor he saw that Alexis was not in her bed. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was just past 4:00am. Only an hour later than the last time he checked on her. Jumping from his bed he raced into the hall and began looking for her.

Coming to a halt just inside the living room entrance he saw her standing at the window, arms crossed staring out into the black of night.

"Alexis?"

Walking toward her carefully so as not to alarm her, he gently reached out and touched her shoulder.

"Alexis, you ok?"

"No. Johnny, someone's trying to kill me and I don't know who it is."

Floored at her revelation, Johnny stepped closer and put his arms around her and tightened his hold as he felt her shudder.

"Alexis, there is no one trying to kill you. I promise you on my life. You are safe here with me and there is no one... _no one_ trying to kill you. Now tell me why you think that."

Stepping outside the confines of Johnny's arms, she looked up at him in disbelief. She could see very clearly that he actually believed what he was saying, so she smiled kindly at him and turned away from him. Somehow she would have to deal with this on her own. Patting him condescendingly on the arm a couple of times she left his side to return to her room.

"Oh no you don't, counselor. I've seen you do that before. You don't believe me and because you have no doubt in your mind about what you think is the truth, you're just gonna wave me off and try to deal with this all alone. I am not going to let you do that, Alexis Davis. Now tell me, why do you think someone is trying to kill you."

Following her he caught her arm and turned her around to face him. At her immediate look of displeasure at being handled so, he released her arm and leveled an intense gaze at her.

"I'm sorry. That was rude. But, just listen to me for a minute. Let's just say hypothetically that what you think you know is the truth. And remember, I said hypothetically, because on my honor it is not true. But, look at the facts. You're here, you're pregnant, and you have no clue what the last year of your life has been about. You believe you have an enemy out there somewhere. How are you going to fight him? I'm sorry, Alexis, but you're not looking at this objectively. I need to know why you think someone is trying to kill you. You have to trust me. You are not in any danger. I swear it."

As he saw the tears of frustration begin to form in her eyes, he slowly lifted his hand, palm up hoping she would take the hint and place hers within it. The indecision in her eyes was very evident, but there was also her appreciation for what he was trying to do for her. As she hesitatingly lifted her hand to his he brought his other hand up to cover hers.

"Come on, partner. Sit down with me on the couch and talk to me."

Alexis followed Johnny to the couch and waited as he sat down, then she sat making sure there was plenty of room between the two of them. Taking a deep breath, she told him about the visions that jarred her from sleep.

"I was shot at once outside the police department and I was the target of two bombings."

His head bowed a bit as he felt the weight of her words settle on him.  She was sitting there afraid for her life and trying desperately to hide it behind a façade of steel, ice and resolve. Johnny instinctively knew that this was no time for playing with words. The problem he was faced with however, was that one of the bombings taken her sister, Kristina, and he could not approach that subject yet. But, she needed to know some of the facts and she needed them from him.

"Alexis, those things did happen, but they were not aimed at you. You just got caught in the crossfire."

"How? How Johnny? How did I get caught in the crossfire of such vileness?"

"A client you were representing. The men responsible for those events were after a client of yours."

She stood and walked across the room before turning back to him her voice full of unbelief and barely concealed anger.  

"And why would I allow someone who was so susceptible to danger around me? I have enough danger in my life with my own family. It doesn't make sense that I would further endanger my life or the life of my child by getting close to someone who is in constant jeopardy."

This conversation had gone way past what Johnny was comfortable with. It was important that Alexis know she was not a target, but they were getting too close to the man who had been. Alexis was not ready for Sonny Corinthos.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Alexis did not feel like going back to bed, so she and Johnny sat drinking coffee waiting for the morning to come. Her memory or the lack of was extremely terrifying, but it was fast becoming very irritating to her as well. Sitting there nursing her coffee, Alexis tried to figure out when the first gap in her memory took place. She remembered going to see Chloe in the hospital and then running into Jax outside Chloe's room. He wanted to tell her something so they went back to her apartment and... and... from there her memory simply faded to black.

Setting her cup down she concentrated harder. Putting bits and pieces of memories together that were floating around in her mind, Alexis remembered that Helena had kidnapped her and Stephan along with Bobbie.  Luke, Laura, Lucky, Nicholas and Gia were there also. But there was someone else there... who...

Johnny was watching Alexis out of the corner of his eye and saw the moment she grabbed the side of her head. Her eyes widened in fear and she clutched at him with pain very evident in the features of her face.

"What is it, Alexis? What are you remembering?" He was afraid she was remembering Sonny or Kristina and didn't know how he was going to be able to handle the fallout from the memory of either of them.

"Stavros. It was Stavros. He was there. Helena brought him back to life. He was coming after Laura again. He was trying to get to Nicholas and Laura. **_NICHOLAS!_** Johnny, where is Nicholas? Is he alright? Do you know my nephew, Johnny?"

Alexis grabbed him by the arm and was squeezing so hard she was cutting off his blood circulation. Prying her fingers loose, he enclosed her hand within his own.

"He's fine, Alexis. He's just fine and he has even been by here a couple of times to see you. He should be coming back in just a few days. He and Gia are on a trip right now, out of the country."

Wait, something was wrong. Alexis could feel it. Something was missing. Chloe. Chloe would know.  She needed to see her best friend. Chloe could help her get everything straightened out.

"Johnny, do you know my friend Chloe Morgan? I think I can remember her phone number... Can you call her for me? I need to talk to her."

This was going to be rough and Johnny was not looking forward to it at all. Even though she was remembering her past, it was out of sequence. Johnny heard what happened to Chloe. And that happened before Helena had taken Alexis.

Hoping to stall her until Kevin arrived for their morning session, Johnny stood and started for the kitchen.

"Why don't I get us some more coffee and a little breakfast? What do you feel like having this morning, Alexis?"

Not hearing a response, he turned around and felt his knees weaken. He had never seen such agony on anyone's face before. Rushing back to her he knelt in front of her and lay his arms down on the couch on each side of her ready to pull her to him if she needed it.

"Alexis. Don't leave me. Stay with me. Tell me what you're seeing. Talk to me, Alexis."

Placing her hands on his shoulders, Alexis leaned forward and rested her forehead against Johnny's.

"She's gone. Johnny, Chloe's gone. I lost by best friend. I didn't protect her from my family and now she's gone. I lost the best friend I ever had in this world."

As sobs racked her body, Johnny pulled her into his arms and held her close. Rubbing his hand up and down her back he tried to comfort her with softly spoken words.

"Alexis, it was not your fault. There are evil people in this world that prey on the innocent. That is what happened to your friend. An evil, vindictive man took his anger out on your friend. He paid the price. He is dead now. I know that does not lessen your pain or your loss, but you must not take on the responsibility for someone else's actions."

Rebelling against the painful memory, Alexis pulled away from Johnny and rose to head for the kitchen. Her internal mode of protection had heightened and was firmly in place staving off further memories from surfacing. 

"I don't want any more, Johnny. I don't know how I am going to deal with this one. I have to get busy with something that will occupy my mind. I don't want to remember anything else. Just leave it alone, Johnny and help me with breakfast."

As an image of Chloe pushed itself into the forefront of her mind she swayed unsteadily as dizziness came over her threatening to take her feet out from under her. With regret, with sorrow and with intense loneliness, Alexis whispered her name.

"Chloe. I'm so sorry.

Johnny watched as Alexis changed directions and returned to her bedroom. He waited silently and felt a tear fall down the side of his cheek as he heard Alexis sobbing into her pillow. Not knowing how to help, Johnny went to her and sat down next to her without touching her. He would be there if she needed him.

He sat there for an hour with her and just as he was about to reach over to her he saw that exhaustion had finally claimed her and she once again slept. Her face, while tear-stained was contorted with grief even in sleep and he knew it would be a long day for her.

Leaving Alexis to rest, Johnny decided to go ahead and prepare breakfast since he was expecting Joy any time now. With heavy feet he walked to the bedroom door and looked back once more at the sleeping woman who had finally begun her long road home. It would be hard and it would be devastating, but he believed in Alexis. He believed in the woman who showed more strength, more compassion and more will power than any other woman he had known since his grandmother. No woman had ever held as high a place with him as his grandmother did; but Alexis came real close.

Letting herself into the suite, Joy instantly smelled coffee and knew Johnny was already up and cooking breakfast. Heading toward the kitchen she halted at the door and found Johnny sitting at the table with his head down resting on his arms. Calling to him softly she watched as he raised his head and she saw the evidence of his recent tears.

"Johnny? What's wrong, sweetheart? Is it Alexis?"

"She remembered Chloe."

"Chloe?"

"Yeah, her best friend."

"But, that's good isn't it?"

Pulling Joy closer to him, he wrapped his arms around her and lay his head against her stomach.

"She had to remember, but it's a bad memory for her, Joy. Her friend was murdered by a member of her own family."

Sitting back and gesturing to Joy to sit down with him. He took both of her hands in his and absently played with her fingers.

"She took it hard, Joy. She didn't try to hide or bury her grief like she normally does. I've never seen her like that before. All I could do was just sit with her... just be there if she needed me. She finally dozed off. I'm going to call a friend of hers in a little while. I think she needs to see someone familiar."

Joy stood and moved back to stand beside him. Putting her hands on each side of his face she lifted his eyes to meet her own.

"Sweetheart, you are doing just fine with her. Don't think you're not. You've been right there with her. She is going to need you more now than ever. Now that the memories have started, it could be that they will come more frequently. Kevin needs to know about this and he needs to know before he gets here. So, I'll tell you what. You call her friend and I'll call Kevin. But, before I do, I want to go check on Alexis. You ready to serve your two girls some breakfast, handsome?"

Catching her hands and holding them within his, he kissed each palm and looked up at her, loving her for her gentleness.

"Thanks, Joy. Have I told you lately how much I adore you?"

Swallowing the lump in her throat and again dropping her jaw as had become a normal occurrence lately around Johnny, she stepped back absolutely dumbfounded.

"Uh... no, Johnny. That's not one you've come across with before. Could I maybe get you to elaborate on that one?"

Laughing at the look on her face, Johnny stood up and pulled her into his arms.

"Well, Miss Martelli, it's no secret to me that I do absolutely adore you and to put it the way my grandmother would expect me to... I'm falling in love with you. Now, would you please go check on our patient, before I completely embarrass myself."

Looking at him incredulously, she couldn't believe he was acting so nonchalant after dropping that load of bricks on her. 

"OOOOOHHHHHHH no you don't. And I'm sure our patient would agree with me when I say, a statement like that should be sealed with something, or am I asking too much here."

Johnny was enjoying himself. He never knew falling in love could be so fun. He loved the way her eyes twinkled when she looked at him and the way her nose scrunched up when she was exasperated with him.

"Oh, you mean you want a kiss or something?"

"At least!"

"Well, I don't think that would be quite fair seeing as how you haven't been quite as how would Alexis say this... uh... forthcoming with an equally lucrative offer."

Jumping into his arms and throwing hers around him, Joy laughed fully.

"Johnny, you know I love you. I love you with all of my heart. But, you better be careful, I think I love your wonderful grandmother more."

"Yea, I hear that all the time." Johnny bent his head and kissed Joy shyly. Lifting his head he looked into her eyes and saw the love and desire she felt for him, then he kissed her again without the restraint he had been told to use when kissing a woman for the first time. Johnny let go of the shyness, the fear of offending, and the life he had led full of loneliness. Johnny stepped into the circle of Joy... all that she was, all that he knew they would be together and wrapped the wonder of her around him.

"Well, it's about time you two stopped playing around."

Johnny and Joy both jumped when they realized they were no longer alone. Alexis stood leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen smiling at them. They both noticed that her smile never reached her eyes. All they could find in her eyes was anguish, fear and anger.

Disengaging herself from Johnny, Joy approached Alexis with concern noting as she did that Alexis moved away from the doorframe and stood erect. Guarded. 

"Alexis, how are you doing this morning? I know you will get very tired of that question very fast, but this morning it is a valid question seeing as how the difference between yesterday morning and this morning are worlds apart."

"Joy, you might want to breathe... " closing her eyes against the pain in her head Alexis tried to cover its effect on her. Smiling at Joy, she tried another tactic.

"I don't think it is very healthy to run off sentences that fast with out taking a break. Seems like I've heard that somewhere before or something. Hey, Johnny, is that coffee I smell?"

"Sure partner, I'll get you a cup, but I think you should answer the question. You've had a pretty rough night."

Shooting him a look of warning, Alexis took the cup he offered and turned to go tossing her answer back at them on her way out of the room.

"I'm fine."


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 

"Joy, let me call Kevin. We've got trouble and I'm afraid if we don't do something, Alexis... "

Seeing Johnny morph from a relaxed state into one of incredible anxiousness forced Joy into her own level of anxiety.

"What's wrong, Johnny. What are you seeing that I'm not?"

"She's shut down, again. I can see it. Ninety-five percent of the time when you hear those two words come out of her mouth, she's hiding something. Use to drive Sonny loco sometimes."

"What two words?"

"The ones she just walked out of here throwing back at us.  '**_I'm fine'_**. Joy, let me go ahead and call Kevin from in here. Would you take a cup of coffee and casually go sit with her? Don't push her... just be with her. I'll be in as soon as I talk to Kevin. I also have to head off a potential disaster and I'm not sure how to go about it."

Johnny watched Joy leave the kitchen and dialed Kevin's number. Waiting for Kevin to answer, Johnny sent a silent prayer up for Alexis. He did not like the way she looked at all this morning. He knew she needed to remember her past, but the difference he saw in her now versus after she just woke up yesterday afternoon was like two totally different people. 

_"Hello."_

"Doc, it's Johnny. We got a little problem going on here and I don't know how to handle it."

_"What's going on, Johnny_?"

"It's Alexis. She's beginning to remember the past and the memories that are jumping out are not good ones. This morning, sometime around 3:30 or 4:00, I found her in the living room. She asked me who was trying to kill her."

_"Kill her?"_

"Yeah, she remembered gunfire and a couple of bombings that she got too close to."

_"You mean, Sonny Corinthos was the object of those events and she was standing too close to him, right?"_

"Yeah, but she didn't remember it that way. She doesn't remember Sonny at all. She's looking at it like somebody was coming after her. I think she finally believes me that it was the client the attackers were after. But, she's not satisfied with the way things are coming back to her. I believe she's forcing it. She gets through pulling that memory and analyzing it to pieces then forces more. Well, she forced herself right into remembering that Helena had kidnapped her and her best friend Chloe Morgan was murdered by someone in her own family. Doc, she's shut down. I don't mean she... went back... you know... there. But, I think she's shoving it all in again."

_"I'm on my way in, Johnny. Stay with her until I get there. I don't want her thinking, Johnny. _**_At all_**_."_

"You're asking the impossible. How do you get a lawyer to stop thinking; especially when that lawyer is a certain Alexis Davis."

_"It's your job to distract her this morning, Johnny. I'll be there in about thirty minutes. See you then."_

"Wait doc, there's something else. Sonny will be here sometime this morning to check on her. He does not know she is awake. It's your call, but I don't think he needs to see her yet. It's too soon for her."

_"You're right, Johnny. I'll call him myself. You just take care of Alexis. You're doing great, Johnny. Anyone else would not have been able to accomplish as much with her as you have. Remember that and I'll see you in a few."_

"Thanks, doc."

Disconnecting his call with Johnny, Kevin dialed the direct number to Sonny's home that Johnny had given him.

_"Yeah."_

"Sonny, it's Kevin Collins. I need a moment of your time."

_"Sure, what time you want me there?"_

"I don't."

_"Excuse me?"_

"I'm sorry, that was a bit rude of me. I need you to just listen to me for a minute, Sonny."

_"There's something wrong with Alexis, isn't there? What is it, Kevin? What's happened to Alexis? I'm coming down there now."_

"SONNY, WAIT. There is nothing wrong with Alexis. Damn, what is it with these men she surrounds herself with that think they can do or say anything they want regardless of how it affects her? I have always found that she is a most capable and rational woman and up until recent events was able to handle the complications of her life quite well. Is everyone else around her blind to that?"

Hearing total silence on the other end of the phone, Kevin was afraid he was speaking to a dead line.

"Sonny? ..... Sonny?"

_"I'm here, and you're right. I did the same thing I have always attacked Jax and Ned for doing. Tell me what's going on, Kevin. You got my attention."_

Realizing that this was not the way to tell Sonny about Alexis, Kevin changed his mind about telling Sonny over the phone.

"I need to come see you, Sonny. There is something I would like to discuss with you about Alexis' care. Will you be home later, say in about 2-3 hours?"

_"Sure, Kev. I'll be here. You need my help with Alexis?"_

It was a tough question for Kevin, but he answered it as truthfully as he could, knowing that his answer had more than one meaning.

"Yes. I could use your help with Alexis."

_______________

Half an hour later, Kevin was standing in front of Alexis, worried at what he was seeing.

"Let's take a walk, Alexis... get outside for a while. It's a beautiful morning and you look like you could use a little fresh air."

"I'm fine. There is no need to worry about me, Kevin."

Moving to stand within her line of vision that kept readjusting at his slightest move, Kevin looked into her eyes forcing her to look into his.

"No, Alexis. You are not fine. You're hiding and you're manipulating the circumstances around you in order to be able to handle it the best way you think possible. That is not good for your mental health right now. You need to talk."

Alexis finally reached her limit. She tried so hard not to get angry or lose her patience with Kevin. She had been so afraid of what she would learn from her past that she consented to how Kevin and Johnny were helping her handle her reemergence. But, they had no idea who she was or what she needed. They could not understand her need for privacy; she needed time to deal with the facts on her own. She needed time alone to think.

"Is talking going to bring back Chloe? Is talking going to change that she's dead because I couldn't protect her from my family? No Kevin, it won't. And I am not about to stand here and take a chance on jumping back into 'la la' land because you think talking will make me feel better. **_It won't_**."

Losing his patience with her, Kevin gave it right back to her in the same manner she had just given it to him. She was a fighter and would not react to mealy mouth responses, patronization or condescending attitudes.

"Right now, I don't care if you feel better, Alexis. What I do care about is that you are standing here in front of me giving me hell. And as unappealing as I might find that, my goal here is to make sure that you have the ability to do that for a lifetime to come. Are you catching what I'm telling you here? I don't want to lose you to what you're referring to as 'la la' land either. But, what you seem to be forgetting is why you fell into your state of catatonia. It came about as a direct result from what you are doing right now. And if you don't find a more healthy way of dealing with the difficulties and losses of your life, you will end up there again. Are you hearing me, Alexis?"

Taking a step back from Kevin, she looked around the room for Johnny. She needed Kevin out of there. Not seeing him, she looked back at Kevin without realizing the question of Johnny's whereabouts still remained evident on her face.

"I told Johnny to stay outside for a minute. I did not want you calling to be rescued before I was ready for you to be rescued. I will however, call him back in if you promise me you will think about what I said. It's important, Alexis. The choice here is yours. You can either walk out of here healthy and whole, or you can spend the rest of your life here. It really is your choice. When you have made your choice, call me and I'll be here. I know how determined you can be, but this time counselor you need a little outside help whether you are ready to admit it or not. Tell you what! I'll leave a quarter on the counter for when you do decide to call. And I know, you will. You're a smart lady. I have first hand experience with just how smart you are."

Kevin turned to go without giving her a chance to respond. He didn't want a response from her right now. She needed time. Opening the door to the hallway he almost laughed at the sight that confronted him. Johnny was pacing back and forth like an expectant father with fear and trepidation written all over his face.

"Ok, Johnny. It's your turn. I left her with a lot to think about and a choice to make. She has the choice to either accept our help or not. What you need to know is that if she chooses not to accept our help, then she takes a very real chance of returning to her previous state. Right now, I think she trusts you more than anyone else, so it's up to you to make sure she makes the right choice. For now, I want her out of that room and into the sunlight. I want her to remember what it feels like to be free. Call me if anything comes up. Personally, I'm betting you won't have to because she will make the call before you get a chance to."

  
Thanks, doc. Hey, are they supposed to be coming this fast?"

"What?"

"What she's remembering. It seems like it's all just coming too fast for her to be able to handle it right. I mean like she's supposed to."

"I should have known it would come this fast knowing who we're dealing with. She is not content to just let it happen in its own time. She's pushing herself and it's dangerous. If she doesn't slow down, we could be faced with another melt down. From what I understand there has been quite a lot she has had to deal with in the past year and it is imperative that she allow time to heal the trauma of it all. She must take it slow. And you know as well as I do, the word slow is not in her vocabulary. Look, I have to go see Sonny. You go ahead and get her out of that room for awhile. I'll see you later on this afternoon."

"See ya, doc."


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

"Alexis?"

"Are you going to yell at me too?"

Alexis was standing at the window looking out at the beautiful landscape that lay before her, without allowing it to register. Kevin had gotten to her. She was terrified that she would slip away again and thought she was protecting herself from it by handling her memories in the only way she knew how; by looking at them head on, analyzing them and then putting them away. It never occurred to her that there was anything wrong in the way she handled the traumas of her life. They were hers to deal with; she didn't see the need to burden anyone else with the details of her childhood or the ordeals she had to endure as an adult. Only once... grabbing the side of her head to ease the pain she turned to Johnny pleading. 

"I need to get out of here. Johnny, can we go for a walk?"

There was a hint of desperation in her eyes and Johnny couldn't help the rise of emotion that was coming over him. He wanted so much for this to be over for her. He would have given his life if it meant she didn't have to relive it all over again. Taking her hand in his he headed for the door.

"Sure thing, partner. Anything you want. You just name it."

As they exited the building, Johnny watched as the tension on her face eased a bit and gently tugged on her arm to lead her in the direction of the south lawn.

As Johnny tugged on her arm Alexis looked up into his eyes and saw him smile. In that moment a vision of his face came to her and she felt a certain peace wash over her that she hadn't felt since she returned. The vision was not accompanied by pain of any kind, just a sweet sense of comfort.

"I do know you don't I, Johnny? You've been a part of my life in a very real way that I can't remember yet. What were you to me, Johnny? Were we really friends?"

Ecstatic that she was remembering him, Johnny also felt a grave sense of foreboding. If she was remembering him, then it could be that memories of Sonny would not be far behind. And today was not the day for those memories. Alexis needed more time to process the presence of her baby and the death of Chloe.

"Alexis, I will tell you that we were not close. You had your life and I had mine. We ran into each other on occasion and then when I needed a little financial guidance, you helped me. That's why I am able to stay with you now without benefit of a job. Now, that is all the questions I intend to answer for the rest of the day. It's time for us to just enjoy the fact that we have this day. I'm here, you're here and you are getting well. It's time to celebrate. So, no more questions and no more pushing the boundaries for the rest of the day. Ok, partner? Please give me this one. I need you to please let me have my way on this one."

They continued on their walk in silence for a bit until Alexis felt the need for a little levity to ease the tension that settled between them. 

"Have you always been this tough?"

Looking over to her and seeing her attempt to lighten the mood he took her hand and squeezed it lightly then laid it in the crook of his arm as they walked on.

"Only with the people I care the most about. I think that would be my grandmother, Joy and you. 

Feeling comforted by his words, Alexis leaned in closer to him loving the feeling of being safe with him.

"Tell me about your grandmother, Johnny. Is she still with us?"

Johnny's face took on a look that caused Alexis to catch her breath for a moment.  She watched in awe as a glow of pure love and adoration settled on his face as he lifted his head and gazed at the blueness of the sky.  No man had ever looked more attractive to her in that moment.  His words left her stunned.

"No. Nana Rose died a few years ago. She was 98. Old age took her before I was ready for her to go. She was such a beautiful woman, both inside and out. My grandfather died when she was 45. I was just a little kid. They shared a beautiful life together. My grandfather knew how to treat a lady and he made my grandmother feel like a queen every day they spent with each other. Sometimes after we finished supper and moved onto the porch to watch the sun go down I would watch them.  Papa would always hold Nana's hand and sometimes I would catch her smile when he started to rub the back of her hand with his thumb.  She'd just look over at him and smile.  When I close my eyes I can still see her smiling at Papa.  She used to tell me the kinds of things he did for her to make her feel special. She said when a man really loves a woman; he spends his life looking for treasures to bestow on her; for ways to make her life easier. And if the woman feels completely loved and honored then she gives her heart, soul and every moment of her day to the care of the man she loves. She used to tell me that our lives were similar to a tapestry.  The threads of each life constantly growing and entwining with the other; weaving in and out through every moment… every trial… every heartache… every day… every year until one day you realize that together you have created a blanket of such strength, warmth and comfort that it cannot be torn apart."

With tears gently sliding down her face at the beauty of such a love, Alexis stopped, forcing Johnny to look at her.

"Is it really possible for someone to have that kind of love, Johnny? It just doesn't seem real somehow."

With a faraway look in his eye as he remembered his grandmother, Johnny started walking again pulling Alexis with him.

"Yes, Alexis. It is possible. I know because I saw my grandmother's face every time she spoke of my grandfather. She never remarried. I asked her why one time. We were celebrating her 75th birthday. She told me that once you've had perfection, you could never be satisfied with anything less and that my grandfather had loved her so completely that she still basked in the memory of that love thirty years later. She would never bring anything into her life that may cause her to lose even one moment of her first and only love."

"Is that how you feel about, Joy?"

"Not yet. But, it's there waiting to grow."

"What do you mean? Either you love her or you don't."

"I don't believe it's that simple. For instance, yesterday you found out you were pregnant. Your first reaction... shock. Then the process of acceptance and then the love begins to grow. The love was not immediate. Now, do you love your child more today than you did yesterday?"

"Yes, I do."

"Are you beginning to cater to that love... to give to your child what she will need today for her to remain healthy?"

"Yes."

"That is where it begins. Do I love Joy? Yes. But, the more important question is, will I love Joy more tomorrow than I do today. Love must never be allowed to stagnate. It must be fed, nurtured and tended to. If it is, it will grow just like the little peanut there will. If it is not, then it will slowly become like the water in a pond that has no where to go, no activity to preserve its intended purpose... waste."

"Joy is a very lucky woman. Does she know how lucky she is?"

"No she doesn't, but I don't know just how lucky I am in having her either. It's a learning process. It takes time. And I am willing to give it all the time in the world, because I see the spirit of my grandmother in her. And if having her in my life right now brings my grandmother closer to me, then it is important to me to have Joy in my life."

"You know that sounds like you're using Joy to bring yourself closer to the memory of your grandmother."

Thinking of how his words sounded and seeing the truth of how they could be interpreted that way, Johnny tried to explain himself again.

"My grandmother told me that there would be one woman out there that would be my center. A woman who would be everything I needed and I would be everything she needed. Each one of us spend the growing years of our lives putting together an idea of the perfect person we would like to share our lives with. Most people don't wait for that person to come along. They pick someone that meets some of what they want and then they try to make them fit the rest of what they wanted. I believe that Joy is the woman I have been waiting for because I decided at an early age that I wanted a woman with the same qualities my grandmother had. Joy is a reflection of my grandmother. So not only do I get the warmth, compassion and wisdom of my grandmother in the woman I know as Joy, but I get the pleasure and honor of building a relationship of love and commitment with her. You see, in a way, I have the best of both worlds."

Noticing that they were nearing the bench where they sat the day before, Alexis guided Johnny toward it. It was time for she and Johnny to come to an understanding and from hearing him speak of his grandparents; Alexis knew his compassion would allow him to understand her need.

"We have to talk, Johnny. Come sit with me."

Settling down on the bench Alexis turned toward Johnny and took one of his hands within her own. Looking down at their entwined fingers Alexis concentrated on what words to use to give Johnny enough insight so that he could realize what she needed from him and not fight her on it.

"Kevin was pretty rough on me today and I'll concede that he had good reason to be. I have been pushing too hard trying to remember the last year of my life. I have not been content to just sit back and let it come 'in it's own time' as he suggested I do. I know that there are things that happened that are going to be hard to deal with. I know because I feel it. There is something sitting right on the edge threatening to engulf me if I let my guard down. It's frightening that something in my past has the ability to strip my control from me whether I want it to or not. I'm not being given a choice as to how I want to deal with it. It's there... it's going to find it's way out. I just wanted to pull it out before it had a chance to knock me down and hurt me more than it did when whatever it was happened the first time. Do you understand that, Johnny? I mean am I explaining it well enough?"

"Yes, Alexis. I know what you mean. And I admire you for your determination in trying to deal with the situation you've been handed without, as you see it, losing control of it or weighing someone else down with the load of it as you usually do. But, may I interrupt you for a moment?"

Nodding satisfactorily at her willingness to let him continue, he lay his arm on the back of the bench behind her and gently lay his hand on her shoulder.

"I am going to be very open and honest with you about this because I respect you and I know that you will do the right thing if you have all the facts of the case. I believe that if you know enough about what is at stake, then you will do what needs to be done to bring about the result we all are looking forward to. Now, I will not answer any questions about your past. I agree with Kevin that they need to come in their own time. But, what I will tell you, so that you will know why I agree with Kevin, is that I have been there on the sidelines the past year. I know what you will have to remember in order to bring about your full recovery. What you will have to face, in some cases, you will be able to handle with no problem, however, there are some things that if we are not careful will cause you more harm and if not dealt with correctly, as Kevin said, we may lose you again. So, my suggestion to you, is to spend the next few days trying to become strong enough to handle the past so that when you do begin to remember, you will be able to handle it. So, what do you think?"

As she held Johnny's hand she began to get a sense of restfulness, a sense of rightness in his words. Looking up into his eyes, she saw his concern, his absolute faith in her and the truth of his words. Nodding slowly she looked back down at their clasped hands.

"So you know what happened to me. And you know that it had the ability to do this to me. Ok Johnny, I'll agree to your way of handling this, but with a few conditions."

Hearing him laugh, she looked up again with a mischievous smile.

"You know I'm not going to just turn my life over to someone without retaining at least some of the control of it. So don't even ask me to."

"Ok, counselor. Name your conditions."

"First, no more Kevin in my room. I have to have somewhere I can go where I can feel safe. I don't want him there anymore."

"Done. No problem with that one at all."

"Second, no more Kevin unless I call for him."

"Now that one I have a problem with, Alexis. Why don't you explain that one to me so I get where you're coming from."

"Ok. I need someone to talk to that I know is totally committed to my well-being. Who knows me well enough to know when I've reached my limit and do not need to be pushed any further. If I am pushed too far, I shut down. It just happens. I haven't learned how to stop it yet and I have already surmised that shutting down is not healthy for me or for my baby. Kevin does not know me well enough to determine when he's gone too far. You do. And, you've already had to pull me back from the edge once. I need to know that there is someone around me who cares whether I am in this world or the other one. You and Joy have already proved to me that you do care that much. So, in a nutshell, you and Joy will be my 'doctors' unless something happens that we have to pull in a professional. Now do you understand?"

"Yeah. You're scaring the hell out of me, but I get it. As long as you give me the option of calling in Kevin if I feel Joy and I are failing you, then I'll agree to the second stipulation. Now is there anything else?"

"Yes. A big one. And there will be no argument on this one at all."

"Alexis, please. I've already got my neck stuck out there so far it's bound to get chopped off. What more do you want? I need my blood."

Laughing at him she hit him lightly on his chest.

"The third and final stipulation is that you have to take Joy out on a bona fide date at least twice a week until the wedding."

"Th... th... he w... we... ddding? Whhat... w... we... ddding?"

"The one I am anticipating is not too far down the road for you two. See, I can push just as hard as the next crazy person?"

Lifting her hand up to caress the blazingly red cheek of her companion she laughed fully and freely without any of the qualms she had been suffocated by since the previous day when she awakened to a world of unfamiliarity.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

As Johnny and Alexis were negotiating her care, Kevin was pulling up outside the Harbor View Tower for his meeting with Sonny. He was not looking forward to this meeting at all given the type of man he was dealing with in Sonny Corinthos.

Kevin was well aware of Sonny's penchant for always wanting what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted and usually getting it; but this was not the time for Sonny to get what he wanted. Kevin did not know how he was going to get through to Sonny that seeing Alexis right now was not in her best interests and he knew if he didn't succeed his only alternative would be to put security in place for Alexis.

Arriving at the seventeenth floor and exiting the elevator, Kevin met Max standing outside Sonny's door. Totally exasperated that his patient had chosen this particular man to get involved with, he threw Max a snide condescending look.

"I have an appointment with Sonny if you'd care to announce me or whatever it is you do to alert your boss that someone is here to see him."

"He's expecting you." Max knocked twice on the door and opened it to see Sonny sitting on the sofa. "Boss, the doc's here."

"Thanks, Max." Sonny responded and watched as Kevin came in shaking his head in disgust.

"When are you going to start living a normal life like the rest of us?"

"This is normal for me, Kevin. You know that, so why do you want to get off to a bad start by bringing up my lifestyle."

Kevin quickly backed down, knowing it would only make his task that much more difficult.

"Ok, you're right. You do what you do and I do what I do. I guess what concerns me more than anything is knowing what this lifestyle of yours did to Alexis. I'm not saying anything against it, not making any disparaging comments at all. I'm just stating an observation."

"I get it, Kevin. And you're right. I have cost Alexis a lot. More than I am willing to let go of. I owe her a lot. She never walked out on me, but she let me walk away from her without saying a word. So let's leave it at that.  So, tell me, how is she doing?"

Sitting down across from Sonny, Kevin tried to gauge what frame of mind he was in before giving him the news that now brought him into Sonny's world. There was definitely something different about Sonny this morning. He was calmer, more settled than Kevin had ever seen him before. Seeing an opportunity to gain more insight into the person Alexis had fallen hard for, Kevin took it.

"Care to tell me what you've been up to lately?

Sonny knew what Kevin was asking, but it didn't bother him. He had already decided to give Kevin anything he needed to help Alexis. So leaning forward a bit and resting his elbows on his thighs he smiled at Kevin and answered him.

"I took a little trip, doc. Needed to find myself. Took a couple of stops to do it, but the operation was successful in the end."

A new man was sitting in front of Kevin and he was intrigued by him. Gone were the eyes full of bitterness and regret. Taking a chance on getting a little more information, Kevin began to question Sonny in earnest.

"I don't mean to pry, but for the sake of my patient, I need some answers from you, Sonny. So, if you'll please just give me a little leeway here I'd appreciate it."

Seeing a shrug of compliance, Kevin continued.

"If Alexis were to wake up today, what could you offer her that you were unable to a month ago?"

Without hesitating a moment Sonny answered.

"The one thing she has always demanded from me. The truth."

"And what truth would that be?"

"That I love her. Plain and simple."

Smiling at the answer he wanted to hear, Kevin knew that it was also the answer to his problem.

"How much do you love her, Sonny?"

Eyeing Kevin, Sonny suddenly realized that something wasn't quite right.  Kevin was leading him down an unknown road with his questions.

"Ok, I'll answer, but I want to know why you're subjecting me to this inquisition. I love her enough to be satisfied to devote the rest of my life to her care whether she wakes up or not."

"Fair enough. You can begin here and now caring for her... loving her enough to do what's best for her with a total disregard to what you want."

Sonny didn't know what to make of Kevin's answer. What he did know was that he was getting anxious and needed some answers of his own.

"Kevin, is something wrong with Alexis? You sound as if she's gotten worse. Tell me, Kevin. Tell me if there's something I can do for her."

It needed to be said straight out.  No bouncing around the issue or dancing around it.  Kevin knew it would be best just to state the new development straight out and let Sonny deal with it the best way he could.

"At the moment you can't do anything for her, Sonny. She woke up yesterday."

Knowing he didn't hear Kevin right, Sonny leaned closer...

"What... "

"You heard right, Sonny. Alexis woke up yesterday."

Jumping up he had to run to catch Sonny before he could get out the door.

"Sonny wait. You can't go out there. You cannot see Alexis yet. **_SONNY_**!"

Sonny whipped around as Kevin's words finally sank in.

"What do you mean I can't go out there? I need to see her, Kevin."

"You wanted to know what you could do for her, right? What if she's not ready to see you, yet? Will that make a difference to you?"

Not getting a response, Kevin watched the hint of defiance he saw in Sonny's eyes slowly recede to be replaced by his love of Alexis and the need to help no matter what.

"There's something you're not telling me, Kevin. Give me the whole story from the beginning."

Walking back to the sofa Sonny sat down and waited for Kevin to join him.

Settling down into the sofa beside Sonny, Kevin placed a hand on his shoulder and looked at him compassionately.

"This is going to be very hard for you to deal with, Sonny. But, I know you can. The problem we are faced with is that Alexis does not remember the last year of her life and she doesn't remember you at all. She doesn't remember Kristina came back into her life. The last thing I know for a fact that she does remember is visiting Chloe Morgan in the hospital and as of about 4:00 this morning she remembered Chloe had been killed."

Sonny was stunned.

"She doesn't remember me at all?"

"I'm sorry Sonny, but no… she doesn't."

Sonny felt like an anvil had been dropped on him. The damage he must have done to her was more than he could possibly have realized if she could not remember him at all. Dropping his head into his hands he tried desperately to control the grief that overwhelmed him.

Seeing what the news was doing to Sonny, Kevin got up and walked to the bar and poured a scotch for Sonny. Taking it back to him he sat down and clapped Sonny gently on the back.

"Sonny, here take this. Look, this isn't as bad as you may think."

Raising his head Sonny looked at Kevin with a ravaged face. Shaking his head negatively he dropped it again.

"You don't understand, Kevin. She knew me a year before Chloe died and she's forgotten me altogether. I've lost her and never had a chance to tell her I love her."

"Sonny, it's not that simple. That which hurts the most, that which still has the power to hurt us is the last thing we would want to remember. This does not mean that her feelings for you have changed, quite the contrary. I believe that Alexis still loves you but because of all that is wrapped up in that love, it is too painful for her to remember yet. In her mind I believe she feels she lost her sister in part, due to that love. That is not something she is going to want to remember, much less take responsibility for again like she feels she must."

Grabbing Kevin's shirt with both hands, Sonny shook him desperately trying to force him to understand that he was the one that made the mistake that cost Alexis her sister.

"It wasn't her fault that Kristina died. It was mine. You can't let her take the blame for that. Kevin you have to make her understand that it wasn't her fault."

"I know, Sonny. But, you have to understand as well, that right now, I need her to take her time in remembering all of this. She's not ready to know all of the details surrounding the events.  She's not ready to face the emotions that will resurface once she does remember you and everything else.  It would only serve to make her situation worse.  She has to do this slowly and with great care.  I can't afford for anything to go wrong at this point."  

Sonny froze.  He heard the concern in Kevin's voice and it was more heightened than any other time they had spoken.  Kevin was hiding something.

"What... What happened, Kevin?  I know something happened.  I can tell.  Tell me what's happened to Alexis."

Kevin's head fell forward in resignation.  Sonny would have to know; he wouldn't leave it alone until he knew everything.  Straightening his shoulders he faced Sonny.

"We had a bit of a scare with her yesterday and I wasn't around for it."

"What happened, Kevin?"

"You must understand that this is a process, Sonny. Things can go wrong and sometimes do. But, I believe that Alexis is strong enough to come out of this stronger and more able to handle the traumas of her life. But, right now, she is very fragile. That being said, we almost lost her yesterday afternoon, when she forced Johnny to tell her what was wrong with her."

Sonny panicked and pulled Kevin to his feet by the lapels of his jacket.

"You mean she almost got lost again?  Why weren't you there? Why weren't you watching her?  Johnny is not a doctor. He doesn't know how to deal with her medically. I swear Kevin if you screw this up..."

"Sonny, you have to calm down. It was Johnny that pulled her back. Even though she doesn't remember him, she trusts him because he was the one with her when she awakened. She knows that he has given his life to her for however long this will take. To her, right now, Johnny is her lifeline. They have even developed a code for when things get too rough for her; she sends him a sign and he clears the room. No questions asked."

Sonny let go of Kevin and turned.  He made his way slowly toward the fireplace and stopped focusing his eyes its empty cavern.  There were so many thoughts racing through his head… thoughts that he knew would not be acceptable to Kevin.  Selfish thoughts… thoughts of how everything was affecting him… how he would feel if he lost Alexis… what would he do without her… and Johnny.  He turned back around and stared at Kevin then allowed a part of his selfish concern to be witnessed.

"She doesn't remember Johnny either but she has attached herself to him. What is it that Johnny gives her that I can't?"

"Johnny doesn't have a history with her like you do. All Johnny wants is her sanity whole and complete. Alexis knows that Johnny wants nothing more than what's good for her and right now, to Alexis, it is what she needs the most; for someone to care enough to put her first. I'm sorry, Sonny, but the truth of the matter is... she has never been put first in anyone's life before and she is finding that is it a pretty comfortable place to be. She knows she is safe with Johnny and that is the most important thing in her world right now."

Letting Kevin's words sink in, Sonny knew they were true. He did not put her first, neither did Ned or Jax... no one in her life had ever put Alexis' needs before their own. Each of them made sure that she was aware that their personal agendas held the highest priority not only to themselves, but they expected her to act accordingly and fall in line and treat them as her highest priority as well. And peace reigned between them all as long as she complied. 

"What caused her to almost go back there, Kevin?"

Knowing the answer would again cause despondency in Sonny, Kevin tried to tell him with care and compassion, and with as few words as possible.

"She felt the baby move within her and not knowing that she had been intimate with someone she thought she was sick. She forced Johnny to tell her what was wrong with her and… well... she didn't handle it as well as we would have liked. Johnny was able to talk her back from the edge."

"My child. It's my child that she's carrying and she doesn't even know me. Tell me how I am supposed to deal with that. How can I help her through this when she doesn't know who I am? What use am I to her now?"

"Ok, what I do know is that self-doubt, self-recriminations... feeling sorry for yourself… all of that is not going to help her at all. She is coming out of this faster than I expected her to. She's pushing herself to remember and that's not good for her. It is my job to see that she stays intact mentally while the last year of her life comes out and I dare say she will be remembering the father of her child sooner than I want her to. I know how that sounds, but it needs to be that way right now for her sake."

"So what do I do while all of this is taking place? Is there nothing I can do for her?"

"That's up to you. I would suggest you take a look at the sacrifices she made for you and measure that against the sacrifices you made for her. I think you're smart enough to figure it out. I have to go. I need to check in with her again before I head home."

"Kevin, keep in touch with me. I need to know how she's doing."

"I'll keep in touch, Sonny. And don't worry, it will be worth it all when she walks out of Ferncliff on her own a stronger, more capable and a very determined woman once again."

"Kevin, that's the day I'm waiting for."


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Watching Kevin leave the penthouse, Sonny felt an immediate sense of overpowering panic. He felt the kind of fear that his claustrophobia always brought him. Alexis did not know him. All that they shared, the trust, the friendship; everything was lost to her. It was now up to him to keep it alive until she was able to remember. Sonny refused to even think that she would never remember him. Maybe it was selfish on his part, but he needed to believe that he would get another chance with her. He needed to believe that she would some day soon return his love. He didn't have to think about the sacrifices she made for him. He had spent the last few days reliving it all. And for the first time in his life, Sonny wanted to prove to someone he loved that he could be what they needed; he wanted to be the man that she needed him to be. He needed the chance to learn how to make sacrifices for someone else… for her.

Striding over to his desk, Sonny picked up the phone and called Jason. He needed to discuss all of this with Jason. To see what Jason's take on the situation would be.

Jason had barely gotten inside Sonny's penthouse when the door was wrenched out of his hand as Carly pushed past him on her way to Sonny. Unable to catch her in time he cringed at the look that settled on Sonny's face.

"I thought I told you to never come back here again, Carly."

"Well, Mr. High and Mighty, you don't always get what you want now do you. Sure as hell didn't get that lawyer of yours, did you?"

To hear any reference to Alexis come out of Carly's mouth turned Sonny's insides to raging molten lava. Moving to stand in front of her and leveling a look of pure hatred at her he raised his hand to stop Jason from coming any closer.

"Carly, I have never hit a woman in my life, but you're bordering on pushing me too far."

"I'm not afraid of you, Sonny. What's wrong, missing your friend? You do know she's turned looney and they've got her up at Ferncliff now? Couldn't handle your lifestyle, could she? You know... you should have stuck with me. You'd have been a lot better off."

Unable to reach Sonny fast enough Jason saw his hand shoot up to settle around Carly's throat. The only way Jason knew how to stop Sonny was to remind him of what he had to lose.

"Sonny, you have to let her go. You can't help Alexis if you're in jail for murder. Let me handle Carly. You can trust me to do what's best. Let her go, Sonny. Let her go for Alexis' sake. You don't need to do anything that will take you away from her. Let go, Sonny."

Finally hearing Jason's voice penetrate the rage that was racing through him, Sonny released Carly and threw her across the room. Afraid of what he was capable of at that moment he spoke to Jason without paying another moment of attention to Carly.

"Jason, get her out of here. Make sure she knows that if she shows up here again, I'll kill her. And make sure she understands that the same goes if she goes anywhere near Alexis."

Grabbing Jason's arm, Sonny jerked him around to make sure he made eye contact with him.

"Make sure she understands it, Jason. If you want her alive, then it's your responsibility to make sure I nor Alexis, never lay eyes on her again."

In that moment, Jason understood the lengths Sonny would go in order to protect Alexis. Sonny was stating his intention and would now expect everyone to fall in line behind him or suffer the consequences. Looking from the terror filled eyes of Carly back to Sonny, Jason finally saw the history of Sonny and Carly wrapped up in one solitary moment. 

Carly was poison to Sonny. She used his vulnerabilities against him to manipulate herself into his life. His fear of being alone, his need to be a father, to be loved. She blindsided him... feeding his sense of worthlessness by not encouraging him to live up to his true potential. She didn't encourage him to reach within himself for something more... something better. She catered to his bouts of anger, his need to always retaliate… his dark moods. But Sonny needed more... deserved more. Sonny needed to be challenged. Carly could not give him that. Jason turned to face Sonny and took his stand. 

"I'll make sure she understands, Sonny. You have my word she won't be back here again. She'll be leave Port Charles tonight. I'll take care of Michael once I've taken care of her. Don't worry, Sonny. I'll handle all the details."

Sonny often wondered that if it came down to a choice between himself and Carly, which one of them Jason would choose. There was a bond between Carly and Jason that sometimes disturbed him; made him sometimes doubt Jason's loyalty. But as he looked at Jason now he suddenly realized his question was finally answered. Jason was telling him that he would stand with him over Carly and that he would deliver Michael to him no questions asked. Sonny embraced Jason and then turned to go upstairs until Carly was removed from his home.

Reaching his bedroom he sat down in the chair by his bed and leaned forward catching his head in his hands as the control he held his emotions under finally gave way. The tears would no longer stay within the confines of his control. They slowly dropped one by one to soak the carpet between his feet. She didn't know him… The only person in his whole life who had cared enough to see the man he was deep inside no longer knew him. The loss he felt was mountainous and the tears continued to fall… tears that only she would understand… only she would ever be allowed to witness… if only…

________________

"Johnny, has Ned or Jax been here to see me?"

The question had been on Alexis' mind most of the day. She couldn't remember a whole lot about the last time she saw either of them. They were both there the day Chloe died. Jax was at Wyndemere, then at the police department and she could remember Jax calling Ned to tell him about Chloe. But, everything began to get fuzzy at that point. Her memories were sketchy at best. 

"Yes, they both have. And if you don't mind, I'd like you to answer a question for me before you get the idea to start asking a lot of questions of your own. Sorry partner, but you don't get to ask any more questions today. That's my one and only rule for the day."

"Ok, Mr. Bossy. What's your question?"

Seeing the twinkle in her eye he knew she was playing with him by sliding a question by him not caring if it was a valid one or not. Just the feeling of retaining a bit of control, no matter how she did it, was enough to satisfy her.

"Smartie. You think you're so clever."

"Yes, actually I do think I'm clever. So deal with it."

"I suppose you also think you're the best lawyer in the state, don't you?"

**__**

"You're a great lawyer... and a great friend..."

Catching the side of her head and groaning at the stab of pain, Alexis shook it off and refocused on Johnny who caught her hand at the look of pain that crossed her face.

"It's ok, Johnny. Just something racing through. I don't know what it means and I don't want to analyze it right now. Just ask me what you wanted to ask me and let's get my mind on something else. And yes, to answer your question, I am the best there is."

"I'm probably going to sound like a shrink or something, but I'd really like to know just so it will make sense to me."

"Sounds ominous."

"Why do you allow people to get close to you that clearly have no respect for you at all?

Stunned by the question, Alexis looked at Johnny as if he had just slapped her. She didn't hear the least hint of anger or accusation in his voice and studying his face she could tell he was actually puzzled by the kind of people she allowed in her life.

"You're going to have to elaborate, Johnny. I don't know what you mean. They do respect me."

"If you really believe that, then you and I need to have a serious conversation about what the word respect actually means. Now, I don't mean to upset you, because I know you are the most intelligent woman I have ever had the great fortune of knowing. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand why you let Jax and Ned treat you the way they do. And it's not just Jax and Ned... "

"Johnny, wait a minute. I'm seriously not following you here. I know you think you have a valid point you're trying to make, but I really don't understand where you're coming from. What is it that Jax and Ned are doing that leads you to think they do not respect me?"

Sitting back and taking a deep breath, Johnny was almost sorry he brought up the matter, but one of the reasons he did was to keep her mind occupied and busy enough to keep her from pushing for more memories. Taking the plunge he decided to finish what he started.

"Both the guys were here latter part of last week. Ned came first and went ballistic when he saw I was living with you. I tried to tell him that I was just here to take care of you and that was it. He wouldn't listen. I told him that nothing negative in either word or attitude was allowed around you and the first thing he does is start mouthing off to you about me. I call Kevin to hopefully calm the guy down, but the guy is so worked up I have to get physical and carry him out of the room. All he could see was his view of what was going on and wouldn't even consider that he just might be wrong. I tried to get him to understand that this wasn't about him or me or anyone else... but that it was about you and you only. He didn't get it. Same thing with Jax. All they see is what they think you ought to be, do, or say. And what really confuses me is that for as long as I have known you, you've let them get away with it. I just wanted to know why."

He wasn't waiting for a debate, he wasn't looking to start an argument with her, and he wasn't angry. He simply wanted to know why because he liked her and he felt she deserved to be respected. Alexis could see it all in his eyes. He was actually very sincere in what he was asking her. Raising her hand she caressed his cheek and smiled tenderly at him thankful that there was one person in the world who cared enough for her to respect her opinions… her choices… her ability to reason and promoted her right to stand independent of others.

"Johnny, they don't mean to disrespect me. They don't even know that's how it looks to outsiders. They love me; they just have a problem in knowing when enough is enough. They believe that in some way they are protecting me from myself, and the frequent neurotic tendencies I get myself entangled in at times. Yes, I get irritated with them. In fact, sometimes I'd like to throw them off a high rise building, but they don't mean any harm."

"But, that's just it, Alexis. They are harming you and you are allowing it."

"I don't understand, Johnny. How do you think I am allowing them to harm me?"

Taking both of her hands within his own, he brought them to his lips and gently kissed them wanting her to know that he was still on her side regardless... that he was worried about her... but, that he also needed to make his point clear with her.

"Alexis, there was no one with you when you... got sick. Why? No, don't answer... don't think... just listen, please. I want to tell you what I think and then you can tell me if I'm right or wrong. Ok?"

"Alright Johnny, you have my complete attention."

"Someone should have known you were in trouble and been with you that night. But, no one respected you or cared enough to check on you. You have given yourself completely to your friends and family and you have asked nothing in return. So what happens when you get in trouble... you end up here because you have not required or demanded that you be treated with the same dignity and respect that you show everyone else around you. You let them tear you down, attack your ability to care for yourself, and degrade your intelligence because they force their opinions on you regarding what's best for you; and you take it. I have very rarely seen you fight for yourself. So why would they respect you? I just don't get it. Alexis, you are a smart, capable, independent woman who knows her own mind. Why do you let them take that away from you?"

"Well, that's a mouthful."

"Yea, did I go too far?"

Patting his hand comfortingly she forced him to meet her gaze as he had dipped his head fearing he had said too much.

"Johnny, look at me."

Waiting for him to lift his head she smiled encouragingly at him when he complied.

"You could never say too much to me. What I know for certain and cling to right now is that I can depend on you to be honest with me that you care about my welfare and that you love my child probably almost as much as I do. Johnny, there is nothing you can't say to me... "

Wincing slightly and immediately centering on what she was trying to say, she was able to hide the effects of the pain in her head.

"You think that it is causing me harm that I don't stand up for myself anymore than I do, right?"

"Yes, because each time someone tears you down or doesn't respect the fact that you are capable of handling your own life... well those things keep stacking up higher and higher until you start doubting your own abilities, doubting your own instincts for what you know is best for you. That's harmful to you and what I believe is part of why you're here now."

"How do you mean? Tell me why you think that is part of why I am here now?"

"Everybody is shouting all over the place about this need for control you have. Ok, yes, you do have what I would say is an abnormal need for control. But why? Why do you have to have so much control? Is it in part due to having a bad childhood, or were you not able to be yourself in your teenage years, or is it just a compulsion with you? I don't have the answers to those questions, but what I think is... that when you feel out of control and someone is around who doesn't respect you enough to back off and let you recuperate... then damage is done. Or when you've lost control and need help to regain it, there is no one who remembers what you've been to them countless times before and you are left alone to face whatever... and damage is done. I believe you are here because you felt like you lost all control of your life and there was no one around who respected you enough to take care of you the way you deserved to be taken care and quite frankly have earned."

"Is that what you are doing, Johnny... trying to help me regain control?"

"If you need it, yes."

Reaching for him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Before letting go she quietly spoke to him.

"I'd like some time to think about what you've said. You made some very interesting points. It's my turn to evaluate what you've said and see if it does make sense."

Releasing him she sat back and saw the look of concern on his face.

"It's ok, Johnny. You did good. Kevin would be proud of you. And I'm proud of you. You know, you should go back to school and become a guidance counselor or something equally beneficial. You have a very compassionate heart... a very caring heart. Johnny, you are a very special man in more ways than I can count and I adore you. You've made all of this easier for me; you've given me the time and the space I have needed to make some sense of what I do remember. You've gently guided me and coaxed me back to reality and I will be forever indebted to you. Now, before I get all weepy, let's go back inside... I am getting hungry and I know the 'little peanut' is as well."

Taking the hand she offered him as she rose from the bench, Johnny's heart was so full he suspected it could burst at any moment. He couldn't wait to share with Joy how much he felt Alexis had valued his viewpoint and how that made him feel. Johnny felt like he was walking on air and his feet would never hit the ground again. Looking over at his companion, he felt the love of his friend grow deeper and as he laid his arm across her shoulders, he smiled at the look of gratitude and trust she gave him.

As they walked toward the building neither of them saw the man hiding in the shadows whose attention was focused solely on Alexis.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 

Sonny stood there in the shadows just out of sight watching her, yearning to go to her but knowing it was impossible. She did not know him; did not know all that they had been to one another. But, he knew. With each passing moment of his life now he was reminded of what they built together... of what she meant to him. He was living on memories now; just waiting.  Waiting for a chance, even the smallest of chances to begin his life again with her. 

Once Jason left the penthouse taking Carly with him, Sonny found he couldn't stay there.  He couldn't stay away from Alexis as Kevin asked him to.  He needed to see Alexis, even if it were only from a distance. Checking his watch he knew it was not her regular time to be outside, but he needed to try. Just maybe luck would find its way to him this time.

Just as he pulled into the parking lot he saw them walking out toward the south lawn arm in arm chatting amicably. Unable to take his eyes from her, he watched her every move hungrily. He couldn't ever remember being so relieved before. She was alive... awake... smiling... and talking to Johnny. It was outside his realm of control to stop his jealousy over the rapport Johnny shared with Alexis. He knew the two were just friends, but for anyone to be that close to her when he had to virtually hide in the bushes to see her... it was just more than he could take.

He was able to move close enough to them to hear their conversation and had wanted to cheer Johnny when he heard him discussing how disrespected Alexis was. As he sat there listening, Sonny began to question himself as to whether or not he had been respectful of her in their time together. Respect was found on many different levels. Sonny knew that, and while he held the highest respect for her legal abilities, the question of whether he respected her enough as a woman kept nagging at him.

Anytime he needed to talk about his personal issues, he went to her. He respected her opinions, even though he did not always take them into account in his actions. And he respected her privacy... never pushing her to divulge more than she was ready to.

But, looking back now, he could see that there were times he had taken advantage of their friendship. When in the company of others he made it apparent to them that he held a connection with her. Thumbing his nose at them without considering what effect it would have on her. He felt a sense of satisfaction and reveled in it every time he threw his friendship with her in the face of Jax and Ned while she stood there silently begging him to stop.  Looking back he could see the disrespect he showed her during those times.

And then there was the aftermath of the night they spent together.  He did not respect her enough to help her deal with the fallout of that night that ended so abruptly. Finding Carly had been uppermost in his mind and he did not fault himself for that. His downfall came in not explaining himself to Alexis the day she told him to go back to Carly. He had not paid enough attention to her reactions... the tone of her voice… what he knew of her regarding the way she dealt with rejection.  She was pushed him away... pushed him back to Carly... regardless of what she felt. And he let her. He had not respected her enough to deal with her as a woman who shared so much more with him than just his bed. Had not respected their history enough to let her know it meant as much to him as it did to her. His absolute disrespect had come in the form of his response to her.

**_"Just so I'm clear You're still my lawyer?"_**

She was being torn apart and he was worried about losing his lawyer and friend. She had been right there with him, supporting him, making his way easier when they thought Carly died.

**_"I want to be more hopeful for you."_**

**_"I just know that someone I care about is in unbearable pain."_**

She buried what she felt for him in order to give him all that she thought he needed.

**_"I know this is not easy for you, after what we've been through the last couple of days._**

And she replied...

**_"It's not important right now."_**

She felt bad about Carly... blamed herself in the beginning just as much as he did; but her heart completely belonged to him. And he broke her heart when he walked back across the hall to Carly. Thinking back, Sonny couldn't recall a single moment when he had seen her that hurt and disillusioned before.  Not during her tumultuous relationship with her brother, not even during her time with Ned.  It was he himself who in the end caused her the most pain. He did not choose her after all, did not fulfill his promise of their night together.

**_"It's all gonna be ok. Don't worry about it."_**

He watched sadly as Johnny rose to escort Alexis back inside. A tear fell with every step she took that carried her further away from him. 

"Alexis, hear what I can't say out loud to you. Listen to the wind carry my whisper to your ears. I love you, and I will wait a lifetime for you."

******************

Just as Johnny opened the door for Alexis he felt her stop. When he turned his questioning gaze toward her, he found her turned slightly away from him looking back over her shoulder at the bench they just vacated.

"Alexis. Is there something wrong?"

Frowning slightly she took another look around then back at Johnny shaking her head.

"No, I guess not. I just thought I heard something. Never mind. Let's go eat."

Before the door closed behind her, just once more she glanced back toward the bench; shaking her head in puzzlement she rejoined Johnny to go back to her room.

Quickly stepping behind the old oak tree to hide, Sonny allowed the tiniest of smiles to fall on his face. He saw her hesitate and look back toward where he had been standing and whether she actually heard him or not didn't matter. Their connection was still alive, she felt him whether she knew him or not. With a renewed spirit Sonny returned to his car with a lighter step, once more hopeful that some day soon they would be together.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Dimming the lights in the living room, Johnny sat down on the sofa to reflect on the events of the day. He was tired. He couldn't remember a time when he had been so totally drained. Taking care of people emotionally as well as physically was so much more demanding than just protecting them from physical harm. Leaning his head back and resting it on the back of the sofa, he growled in irritation as he heard a knock on the door.  Pulling himself up from the comfort of the sofa he strode to the door and opened it roughly.  He found Kevin waiting in the hall.

"What's up, Kevin? It's a little late for a visit, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I know. I had an emergency consult and was on my way home when I figured I would check on Alexis."

Johnny opened the door a little wider to allow Kevin to enter. Laying a hand on his arm he pointed him toward the kitchen.

"We need to talk and I don't want Alexis to know you're here since she finally drifted off just a few minutes ago. It's been a long day for her and she needs her rest."

Entering the kitchen the two men sat down at the table across from each other.  Kevin was disturbed by the frown on Johnny's face.

"Johnny, you have something to tell me. I can see it... you seem more like a bodyguard at the moment than a trusted friend."

"At the moment, the role I have taken on is in fact that of a bodyguard. Alexis and I talked this afternoon about where she is and I don't mean location wise. She laid down some rules today that I agreed to and you're not going to like them."

Kevin sat back and sighed with barely contained annoyance.

"Do you realize that she is in no shape to be making decisions on her own regarding her care, Johnny? You're playing around with something you don't know anything about. The mind is an intricate, complex machine that must operate as it was intended in the manner that was intended. To try and manipulate your way around the intricacies of its intent is to play with its ability to function normally and you could cause a breakdown again. Are you willing to take that chance?"

Johnny ignored Kevin's attempt to patronize and verbally manipulate him.  He was not in the mood to listen to a lot of psycho talk.  He knew what Alexis wanted and that was all he cared about. 

"No, but it's not my call. Alexis knows what she needs. She finally understands that she cannot rush this. And she is not willing to be force fed by you or anyone else regarding her care. You were too hard on her today, Kevin. In fact, one of her new rules is that you are not allowed in her suite anymore. In her own words, she needs a place she can go where she can relax and feel safe. So after you leave here tonight, you cannot come back to these rooms. And if you give me a problem with this, I'll take her out of here faster than you can speed dial security and the connections I have can be very effective in hiding her from anyone trying to find her."

"Don't threaten me, Johnny. You're playing with fire here and it's Alexis that is going to suffer the consequences."

Sitting back to try and calm the anger that was threatening to leash itself he reminded himself that Kevin only wanted what was best for Alexis.  He was not her enemy. Johnny looked at Kevin and shrugged.

"Kevin, what did you expect? This is Alexis we're talking about. She cannot turn her care over to you as completely as you want her to. She understands the ramifications of her choices. She's scared sure, but this is her life. She's got it back now and she wants to be the one to determine how she lives it, how she remembers what's hidden and she is aware of what is going to be required of her to bring it all together. She's agreed to take a few days to prepare herself for it and not push herself anymore."

"Alright, so I'll stay out of her rooms. Just give my office a call in the morning to set up a round of appointments for her to come see me there."

Shaking his head back and forth, Johnny stared back at Kevin without blinking.

"Sorry, Kevin. No appointments with her either."

Becoming infuriated at both Alexis and Johnny for tying his hands, Kevin stood abruptly and began pacing back and forth. With no help from Alexis at all where her recovery was concerned Kevin was becoming panicked regarding her mental health.

"Am I supposed to just sit back and wait for her to fall back into what she cynically calls 'the abyss'? Johnny, you have no clue what you are dealing with here."

"You're right, Kevin. I don't. But, I do know the woman I am dealing with and I would trust her gut instincts over your medical instincts any day of the week. She knows what she is doing. If she gets into any trouble she has left me a way out. If I feel at any time that I have begun to fail her or that she is in real danger, I have her permission to call you. Kevin, give her a chance to work this out on her own. She needs to be able to trust herself again. Give her the chance to prove to herself that she's not a failure, that she can handle her life neatly, efficiently and without falling apart.  She needs to find a way to believe in herself again.  Don't take that away from her."

Kevin studied Johnny and the entire situation for a few moments then finally nodded his head once.

"I feel like I've been fired."

"Not fired, just put on a back burner until we need you."

"Look Johnny, can I just give you a few hints on how to deal with the memories as they come? You've done great so far and I'm proud of the work you've done with her, but I cannot express just how fragile this situation is."

"If you had seen her this afternoon, you would understand that the most important thing to Alexis is to get her life back on track, care for her child and to get the hell out of here as soon as humanly possible. She is not going to jeopardize any of that. Try and show a little faith in her, Kevin. She knows what's at stake."

Giving up, knowing he would get no further with Johnny tonight, Kevin stood to go.

"Ok, you two win this round. But, Johnny she needs to stay on the medication until I am assured that she is handling things adequately enough to be taken off of it. Will you at least get her to agree to that?"

"Yea, Kevin. I'll see that she agrees to the continuation of the medication. Come on, I'll walk you to the door. And don't worry I'll call you every day with an update on how things are going."

Kevin looked over his shoulder at Johnny and snorted derisively.

"I would greatly appreciate that. I mean it is the least you could do in exchange for taking up one of our best suites here and robbing me of my job."

Laughing quietly at the sarcasm in Kevin's voice, Johnny opened the door for him, closed it and went to sit back down on the sofa. He was too tired to go to his room, so he decided to sit for a while and relax.

*****************

**_So, is that what you want, to forget what happened between us?_**

****

**_Are you in love with your ex-wife?_**

****

**_Go home and be with your wife. I'm fine._**

****

**_It must be so empowering to speak and have everyone listen to you, and believe you especially when you're lying to them._**

****

**_You are the most obnoxious, overbearing, chauvinistic blatantly... brokenhearted man I have ever met._**

****

**_I live a dangerous life, having a family was a mistake._**

****

**_You are known to have a violent temper._**

****

**_You are not good father material to a court._**

****

**_Wasn't your residence a target of machine gun fire?_**

****

**_You are a career criminal._**

****

**_The Father where does he fit in all of this?_**

****

**_He doesn't know. And I've decided not to tell him._**

****

**_We're friends, above all else. No promises. No regrets._**

Waking suddenly, trembling from the snatches of conversation that invaded her sleep, Alexis tried to calm the uneasiness that was overtaking her. Sitting up cautiously, she let her mind take in each word that came rising up from the depths of slumber and just as she centered on the bits of conversation a face began to appear. Before the face completely materialized an immediate sense of terror engulfed her and the face was gone not giving her a chance to try and recognize it. Swearing in frustration she swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up. 

Not wanting to fall asleep again and take a chance on being engulfed by more of her past than she was ready for, Alexis went into the living room to find something to read or perhaps to watch a little mind-numbing television. Upon noticing Johnny sitting on the sofa with his head leaned back snoring slightly, she walked closer and gently lay her hand on his shoulder.

Feeling her touch, Johnny awoke instantly.

"Hey, something wrong? You need something?"

"Yeah, I need you to go to bed like a normal human being. You can't expect to get a good night's sleep propped up like that all night. Go to bed, Johnny."

Sitting up he stretched his cramped arms and legs then looked back over his shoulder at Alexis. He could see that she was upset about something. Her eyes were darker and shifting more unevenly than usual.

"What woke you up, Alexis? Somebody talking to you again?"

"You know, it's just plain disconcerting when you do that. How did you know I was dreaming, Johnny?"

Moving over he took hold of her hand and led her around the sofa to sit down beside him.

"Because I can see what they did to you. You're agitated, a little... apprehensive, and because you're in here rather than in bed, you're making sure it won't happen again. How far off am I?"

Tightening her hold on his hand she marveled at the absolute ability of this man to read her.

"Not far off at all. Care to talk to me awhile? I don't want to go back in there to that bed just yet. It poses all kinds of risk for me right now."

"We'll sit here all night if that's what it takes. Care to tell me some of what woke you up?"

"It seems that I got involved with a married man, who is too dangerous to be around children, but was evidently my friend. It just doesn't make sense, Johnny. None of this is making any sense to me. I don't want a man around me that I can't trust my child with."

"What would you say if I told you that I believe what you are remembering is segmented; bits of your life taken out of context. I think you are pulling pieces of reality that when they stand alone are very damning and detrimental to the actual events as they occurred."

"And you know this because you know the man I was involved with."

It wasn't a question, didn't need an answer. It was a statement of fact. Looking at Johnny she saw how much he believed what he was saying and she also saw that he was basing what he said on the facts, as he knew them to be.

"What would you say, Johnny, if I told you that I think I want to see this man for myself? I don't want to talk to him, I just need to know what he looks like."

Shaking his head at her, Johnny wasn't buying it.

"Don't you mean that if you see him, maybe you'll remember him? Maybe it will all come back to you and the questions you have about him would miraculously be answered?"

Ducking her head in embarrassment, she tried unsuccessfully to hide her smile.

"There you go again. This is getting absolutely frustrating. Johnny, you have to stop doing that. I'll have no secrets at all remaining if you keep this up."

"Alexis, my friend... I don't think you are ready yet to bring anything else from your past into the picture. It is just my opinion, but I'm basing it on what I see in you. For example... In less than two days you go from not being cognizant to finding out that you've lost time... you have an unborn child which also means you had a relationship with someone you don't remember... to learning just how much time you have lost... to remembering your friend dying and now you've started remembering patches of your life that don't make a whole lot of sense to you. On top of all that, you and I had a pretty intense conversation this afternoon about how you allow your friends to mistreat you. I just don't think you've given yourself enough time to deal with all of this."

"I know you have a point, Johnny, and I really am trying to be careful and take all of this slowly. But, it is becoming increasingly harder due to the fact that what I am remembering is making me question just how sane I was before I took the big leap. And it all seems to be centered around one man. And to be perfectly honest with you, I'm beginning to think that finding out who that man is... well I'm thinking my child and I would probably be better off if I never find out who he is."

Studying their hands that were still entwined, Johnny frowned slightly. He didn't want her to lose her curiosity about her past, but he also didn't want her remembering it too quickly. With a shake of his head he thought, 'Boy Kevin... I know why you get paid so much for what you do now.' Bringing his gaze back up to rest on Alexis, he raised one arm and lowered it to settle around her shoulders.

"I'll just say one thing about that, Alexis. Don't limit your possibilities before you even know what they are."

"Well, I'd say that was sage advice. Do you know how difficult it is to talk to you knowing that you already know everything that I have to remember? It's a bit unnerving. Look, let's shelve it for tonight. I'm going back to bed and if I catch you sleeping on this sofa again I'll take you to court on a charge of self-inflicted first-degree torture. Capeche?"

"Capeche, Miss Davis... oh great counsel for he who sleeps unwisely. See you in the morning, partner."

"Night, Johnny. And Johnny, thank you."

"Hey, what are friends for?"


	28. Chapter 28

  **_Chapter 28_**

Sitting at his desk the next morning, Sonny was finding it hard to concentrate on the contracts in front of him. Hearing a brief knock on his door, he turned around just as Max announced Kevin Collins was there to see him.

"Kevin? Something wrong? I wasn't expecting you. Come in."

Kevin wasn't sure whether coming to Sonny's was actually a good idea at this point or not, but his concerns regarding Alexis were growing by the hour. He couldn't ever remember a patient taking their care out of his hands before and he was having more than a little trouble dealing with it. Hoping for some additional insight to Alexis he found himself on Sonny's doorstep wondering if he were doing the right thing.

"Good Morning, Sonny. I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, especially this early in the morning without calling first, but I was hoping maybe you could shed some light on a problem I'm currently having. Do you have a few moments you can spare me?"

"Absolutely, Kevin. Please have a seat. I don't have anything going on that can't be put on hold. What's on your mind?"

Sinking down into the sofa and crossing his legs, Kevin waited for Sonny to settle himself and then studied him a moment before continuing.

"I'm not entirely sure I should be talking to you about this, but I'm kind of at the end of my rope and I need a little help understanding something, but before I get into it I should warn you that you will probably get upset at what I am about to tell you. So first, let me reassure you that Alexis is... holding her own. However, I need to discuss something with you regarding her care. But if I am going to have to constantly be worried about how you are going to react to any given situation, then it is not worth my time or effort to enlist your help. I need your help without all the baggage you're carrying around. Can we discuss Alexis without emotion and without the burden of guilt you feel due to the past?"

Sonny leaned back and let his concern for Alexis take priority over his lack of control regarding his emotions.

"I have been told quite often by your patient that I have a violent temper and that I should learn how to suppress it. I happen to agree with her on that point, but I find that it has a tendency to get away from me at times. However, I will find a way to rein it in for her sake. Tell me what's bothering you, Kevin. Your patient beginning to assert some of that iron will of hers?"

Marveling that Sonny possessed so much insight regarding his problem without benefit of knowing the current situation, Kevin smiled a bit and nodded.

"Yes, she is. With the aid of her trusted compatriot, Alexis is waging a war against the system at the moment. And one Dr. Kevin Collins being that system, is who she is rebelling against."

"How is she handling everything though? Is she working things out the way you think she needs to?"

"Well, knowing that would require me being able to talk to her... to spend time with her; and she is just not allowing that. She has let it be known through her _friend_ that I am not to be allowed in her rooms anymore and that if or when she needs me she will let me know. She has effectively taken her care out of my hands and put it into Johnny's."

Standing and walking across the room, Sonny bent his head in concentration. He was trying to figure out what Alexis was up to.

"Kev, did something happen... something you weren't expecting maybe?"

"Quite frankly, I have been at a loss where Alexis is concerned. I took her off the medication she was on and began giving her a mild relaxant so her mind could better handle the stress she was putting on it. I haven't been able to get her or Johnny to understand that she needs me medically whether she wants it or not. What I can tell you is that she is remembering her past at an exaggerated rate and I am worried about what it will do to her."

Walking anxiously back toward Kevin, Sonny sat down and leaned forward hopefully.

"Is she remembering me, Kevin?"

"No, I don't think so yet, but it can't be far off. She remembered her friend Chloe had died and how it happened. I don't think she handled it very well, but I can't say for sure, because I can't get close enough to her to adequately assess her frame of mind. Sonny, can you shed any light on what you may think is going through her mind right now?"

"Well, knowing Alexis, she is probably fighting you on more than one level, but I would be willing to bet the fight she is most consumed with at this moment is against herself. She may understand that your only intent is to help, but that means she has to open up and give away her secrets. She will not do that without a fight. So not only is she fighting to keep you out of her head, but she is fighting to retain the right of privacy. Also, Alexis thrives on being strong, being all things to all people... being the one needed rather than the one who needs. She is probably trying to come to grips with the fact that in disassociating herself from her life she failed her friends, family and clients, as well as the most important person to her at this point; her child. It could be that she thinks that sometime during the past year she failed someone she loved so completely and something happened she couldn't control; thus the escape."

"But she cannot go around blaming herself for everything that goes wrong in the lives of those around her. She has to find a way to release the trauma and move on. If she doesn't, she will never be free of the threat of succumbing to catatonia."

Sonny felt the fear overtake him. He couldn't lose her again. He just couldn't. Whether she ever remembered him or not... he didn't want to live in a world without Alexis in it.

"You can't let that happen, Kevin. You have to find a way to prevent that from happening."

"Sonny, there is not much I can do if she won't see me. Look, I'm open for any suggestions you may have here. You know her, what is it going to take for her to allow me to treat her?"

Shaking his head back and forth, Sonny got up and began pacing. Chewing on his thumbnail he felt his frustration grow. Stopping just behind the sofa he looked at Kevin and shrugged his shoulders.

"Like you I'm at a disadvantage too. If I can't talk to her, I can't read her." Sonny's face suddenly lit and he thought of something that might work.  "I think I have an idea, Kevin. Hang on a minute."

Walking over to the desk, Sonny picked up the phone and dialed Johnny's cell phone number.

"Johnny, It's Sonny. I need to see you. Can you find about 30 minutes sometime today to meet me on the north lawn? I mean can you leave Alexis with her nurse or something. I really need to talk to you about something....... Thanks, Johnny. See you then."

Hanging up the phone he looked toward Kevin and smiled.

"I may be able to get enough from Johnny to determine just how she is really doing. He'll meet me for lunch at noon. After I've talked to him, I'll call you."

"That's great, Sonny. Now, can I discuss something else with you?"

Feeling relieved that he would soon be talking to Johnny about Alexis, Sonny rejoined Kevin on the sofa.

"Sure, what's on your mind now?"

"Would you be willing to say that you and Alexis handle your problems in much the same manner?"

Kevin really wanted to help Sonny begin to deal with some of his own issues, but he knew Sonny would not take kindly to having his life put on display any more than Alexis did even it if were just between the two of them. So, Kevin was figuring the best way to get to the bottom of Sonny's problems was to make it about Alexis. It was devious and not very professional, but if the two of them could not learn how to handle their problems in a healthier manner then they probably didn't stand much of a chance in coming together successfully.

"What are you getting at Kevin? This is not about me as you have so often reminded me."

"But, it is about you, Sonny. And it's about her as well."

Really looking at Sonny for the first time and studying his responses, Kevin realized that Sonny would not come across with anything if he felt he was being manipulated. Changing his tactic, Kevin tried to put his point across in another way.

"From what I have gathered from the time I have spent with both you and Alexis, it appears that whenever something personal happens that throws you... you shove the feelings deep down and cover them up. Would you say that was a true statement?"

Not willing to give more than he had to, Sonny simply nodded and offered a one word response.

"Yes."

"Ok, then would it be right to assume that when you finally blow it comes out through anger?"

"Yes."

"What about Alexis?"

"She very rarely blows at all."

"So what I'm guessing is that this episode of hers was a result of her finally blowing."

Sonny thought for a moment before answering. "Sounds reasonable."

"Do you think that either one of you have the capacity to learn how to release your emotions in a more healthy manner? Now, don't go blowing that temper of yours because I'm getting a bit personal. I'm going somewhere with this."

"Better make it quick, Kevin. I'm losing patience here. I've already told you once I don't need a head doctor."

"My point is how are you going to be able to help Alexis deal with her problems if you can't get past your own? I know you want more than anything to help Alexis through all of this, but I think more than that you want to be able to be there for her if, or perhaps when, she is released. If you can't control your temper, how are you going to be able to support her and help her give voice to her own fears if she is constantly trying to stave off your temper tantrums?"

Sonny walked over to the fireplace mantel and leaned on it his eyes falling to rest on the flames below as he mulled over Kevin's words.

"So you're saying that if she is always trying to prevent me from going off, then that keeps her from feeling free enough to say whatever is going on inside of her."

"I'm saying it is a very real possibility. Can you recall any instances where she may have been about to say something, but didn't because of the emotion you were projecting or maybe afraid of the outcome of what she would say?"

"It may have happened when we first started getting to know each other, but toward the end we talked about everything. She always pushed when she thought I needed to talk things out."

Sonny stopped as a thought came into his head.

"My child. She didn't tell me about my child. She hid my child from me. I know in part that it was because she was afraid for the safety of the child, but she also knew I would be angry at her for keeping it from me."

Beginning to pace he recalled another time when she backed away from a conversation they were having.

  **_"I think I'll take an example from you and keep my mouth shut."_**

"We went through a period of time where she thought it was important for me to know how she felt about me, but it never quite gelled. We went back and forth with it for a while... kinda became like a tag team match. It was almost like she would get right to the edge of telling me something and then she'd retreat or go off on some other subject."

"So she wanted you to be comfortable to tell her anything and everything, but she had a hard time doing the same. Is that what you're telling me?"

"Yeah. I guess I wasn't as good a friend to her as she was to me."

    **_"You have a place in my life. I trust you."_**

****

**_    "And that costs me."_**

He walked toward the balcony and looked out unseeing remembering her words… the way she said them… "**_and that costs me_**".  Sonny was beginning to fully understand what Kevin was saying.

"I didn't give her enough, Kevin. She felt comfortable enough with me to share her past and how she felt about it, but she couldn't talk to me about what she felt toward me. I know the circumstances regarding my marriage had a lot to do with it, but I never should have married Carly that last time. Alexis was the one I should have been with, but I refused to see it. It all boils down to the fact that Alexis loved me and I didn't give her what she needed and it just made things worse for her.  I couldn't get my head out of my butt long enough to see what I was doing to her."

Sonny glanced over at Kevin then hung his head. What he was about to do would be the single most difficult thing he had ever done.  

    **_"I don't need anybody."_**

So ignoring the mantra that beat against the walls of his mind he walked back to the sofa and sat down. "Kevin, I need Alexis in my life. And I need some help to make that happen. There is this thing inside me that I haven't been able to let go of. Can you help me get rid of it?"

"That is what I was waiting to hear from you. Yes, Sonny. I can help you and you will be able to give Alexis what she needs from you, but more importantly... you will become able to handle your aggression and your happiness in a normal and settled manner. When do you want to get started?"

"No time like the present."


	29. Chapter 29

**__**

Chapter 29

"Alexis, I'm going to go to the grocery store while you have lunch with Joy. Is that ok with you?"

"Having some kind of craving are you?"

"Frankly I'm getting a little sick of all the healthy food in that refrigerator. I think I need to splurge on a little chocolate. You know, something that totally rots your teeth, but gets your sugar level running ninety to nothing. Want to join me?"

"I'd love to. I'm pretty sick of all this healthy stuff too."

Feeling a sense of panic come over her, Alexis ducked her head and turned away from Johnny. She simply had to find some way to start being alone without feeling panic every time Johnny left the room. It was time to start letting go of her 'security blanket'. The man did have a life to get back to.

Johnny watched Alexis mentally back off from him and his heart sank a bit. Drawing closer to her he laid his arm across her shoulders and pulled her close within the circle of his arm.

"Please don't do that, Alexis. Please don't shut me out."

The pain in her head at hearing his last statement was so much more intense than it had ever been before. Whimpering she grabbed her head and laid it on Johnny's shoulder until the pain passed. 

Raising her head to look into Johnny's eyes, Alexis relaxed.

"It's ok, it's gone now. Johnny, the pain scares me. When I looked at you and remembered you were an actual part of my life before this whole disaster started, there wasn't any pain. But, something or someone is causing a great deal of pain and I think I almost had a glimpse of that person last night."

"What do you mean? You saw somebody?"

"Not really, it was just a shadow and then it was gone. Johnny, can't you just tell me if I have a reason to be afraid of someone or not? I think if I knew whether or not it was a person versus just a memory that frightens me, I could handle it better."

Wrapping both arms around her and holding her close for a moment, Johnny thought about what she was saying. Maybe it would be easier for her to know a little more. Leaning back he lifted her gaze to meet his own.

"Alexis there is not one single person out there right now that wishes you harm in any way. No one. You have my word as a gentleman on that. But, don't hide from me Alexis. If we are going to get out of here, I need you to tell me what you're going through. You just walked away from me without even leaving the room. Doing that makes me feel like I'm failing you in some way. Do I understand that you panic when I leave the room? Yes. But, did you know that when you leave the room or when I step outside that door... I panic too."

Her head, which had bowed in embarrassment, snapped up once more to meet his gaze when she heard his last three words. 

"You do?"

"Of course, I do. It goes through my head that what if you remember something and I'm not there to help. But, I also know that you need to begin little by little reclaiming your ability to handle things on your own. But, I'm also not entirely sure if it needs to happen now or later. With you there are just no guarantees... you're not like normal people. So I panic."

Laughing at him she squeezed him to her once and then let go of him.

"Not like normal people, huh? That's a good one, Johnny. Tell you what, why don't I make you a promise. Once you walk out that door for your run to the store, I'll put everything on hold until you get back. Maybe I can enlist Joy in some kind of activity or something to keep my mind occupied. Deal?"

"I'm beginning to like making deals with you counselor. Have I told you lately that I think you're the best?"

"I'm quite fond of you too, Johnny. But, until I know if I'm taken or not having a thing with you is impossible."

"Well, I think Joy would have something to say about that anyway. But, the thought was nice."

Laughing together at their silliness, they walked arm in arm toward the door for their mid-morning walk around the grounds.

________________

A couple of hours later, Johnny leaned over to kiss Joy, then turned to kiss Alexis on her forehead before going out on his planned trip to the store which would include an unsuspecting Sonny. He wondered briefly how Sonny would react to the impromptu trip to the store.

"You girls behave until I get back."

In unison, they replied. "Bye Johnny."

Stepping outside into the sunshine of a beautiful day, Johnny breathed deeply and smiled. Things were going great for him and his life was taking on new meaning. He was truly happy for the first time since losing his grandmother. Lifting his arms and stretching them wide he lifted his face up toward the sun and brought a vision of his grandmother close.

"Hey, Nana Rose. Still love you, you know. Gonna have to have a talk with you real soon. Lots of things are happening for me these days. I think you'd be proud of me."

Looking toward the parking lot, Johnny saw Sonny leaning against his car and went to join him.

"Hey, Sonny. How's it going?"

"Fine, Johnny. Just fine. How's Alexis?"

"She's doing great, Sonny. Come on I promised her a chocolate feast today so if you want to talk to me about her, you'll have to come with me. I don't have much time."

Sonny paused and looked back toward the building.

"No chance of seeing her today, Johnny?"

"No, I'm sorry Sonny. She's having lunch right now and then she and Joy are going to get busy occupying time until I get back. Come on, I'll tell you everything that's been going on lately."

Settling into Johnny's truck, Sonny waited impatiently as Johnny maneuvered the vehicle out of the parking lot and onto the highway. Once they were on their way Sonny looked over at Johnny pointedly.

"Tell me, Johnny. Tell me how she's really doing."

"Well, I have a new appreciation for her that's for sure. That mind of hers is amazing. I think the most difficult thing I've had to deal with is trying to get her to slow down that incredible ability she has of processing things on the fast track. Kevin, says she has to slow that down for now and she's finding it very difficult to do."

"What all does she remember, Johnny?"

"She remembers Chloe and that fact that she died, She remembers being kidnapped by Helena and she's beginning to remember bits of conversation."

"Bits of conversation? Like what?"

"I can't give you specifics, but I do think that it's conversations that she has had with you. But, before you get all excited... remember I said it's just bits right now. And those bits are taken out of entire conversations so they are not making much sense to her. And she's scared of them."

"Scared of them? Johnny... she's scared of me?"

"That's not what I said, Sonny. She doesn't know you. She can't be scared of someone she doesn't know. Look, think about some of the conversations you two have had... the content of them. How many times did you talk about something that as an acquaintance she would find threatening to her personally, the child or her friends? And that would include you as well being one of her friends."

"Ok, I get your point. She's remembering stuff that hurt her or could possibly hurt our child."

"Exactly. But, we're working on it. She knows that I have been around her the last few years and that I know what it is that she will remember. That's good, because I can steer her away from settling on most of the bad stuff and keep her from blowing it out of proportion. Problem is, she still has no clue her sister was a part of her life the last year. I don't know how I'm going to help her deal with that when it finally does come out."

"Just be with her, force her to talk about it. Don't let her hide from it. Help her remember everything they shared... Kristina's passion for life... you know, the bond between them. I wish I could help her with this Johnny, but she's lucky to have you to help her."

Reaching over Johnny clapped Sonny twice on the shoulder and let his hand linger there just a moment in comfort.

"I know this is hard on you, Sonny. Just be patient a little longer. She wants her life back... all of it. And that includes you even if she doesn't know it yet. Things are going to get pretty rough not only for her, but for you too. Can you handle it a little longer, Sonny?"

"For as long as it takes. I just wish there was something I could do to help her more."

"You'll have your chance sooner that you realize."

"What do you mean, Johnny?"

"I think she wants to know who the father of her child is. And I think the only thing that is keeping her from asking for you is the fact that the only things that are coming to mind right now are bad things. So I'm trying to gently get her to shift her way of thinking by introducing positive thoughts in response to her negative ones. And since she knows I know what went on, she trusts my truth over her sketches of memory. But, I have to be real careful not to give away too much, because she has to remember it on her own. There is going to come a time when she is going to ask for you, and Sonny, you need to be ready. I don't know if she will be angry or what; but whatever it is you need to be ready. What I do know is that whenever she does make that call, you are going to have to be open and truthful about anything she asks. Anything less and I believe you'll lose her."

Remembering back to his time earlier with Kevin, Sonny took a deep breath and began his own trip toward healing his past. He opened the door that led to the man Sonny Corinthos was and allowed Johnny a small glimpse. Because of Johnny's care of Alexis, Sonny knew Johnny could be trusted.

"I'll be ready, Johnny. I started talking to Kevin this morning about my own problems. So maybe by the time Alexis calls me, I can give her everything she needs from me. Just take care of her Johnny; that's all I'm asking. I trust you to do what's right for her."

Pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store, Johnny found it hard to control the emotion that welled up at Sonny's admission of trust in him. But even Sonny's trust in him could not deter him from saying what he knew he had to. Stopping the truck he opened his door and before getting out answered Sonny.

"Thanks, Sonny. That means a lot. You need to know something though. Alexis is family to me. I think of her as a sister. Her happiness and her welfare are just as important to me as if we were bound by blood. If you hurt her again, I'll come after you. I'll marshal every resource I can and come after you. It would probably cost me my life, but at least you will know she meant enough to someone in this world that his own life was worth the cost to protect her. The one thing that has hit me in all of this since she woke up is that she feels unloved. I believe on some level you may understand that, but you need to raise your level of understanding. She needs to be loved for who she is, she needs to be accepted for who she is; for once in her life she needs to believe that she comes first with someone. Right now that person is me and I know with everything that's in me that it should be you. But, your whole life has been about what you wanted. That has cost her everything because she saw something in you that she couldn't let go of. It's your turn now. What are you willing to give up for her? Do you love her enough to sacrifice that part of you that you have clung to and protected with a vengeance; your need to be first and foremost in everything regardless of what it cost and who it hurt? Do you love her enough to put her first now?"

At the stirring of anger Johnny's words provoked, Sonny began to question the reason for the anger as Kevin suggested he do earlier. Part of the anger was simply because someone dared to question him and then there was the anger because he knew Johnny was speaking the truth. In stepping back and looking at the whole situation Sonny concluded that his anger was unwarranted in this instance. This was not about how he felt, or what he wanted; this was about what was best for Alexis. He calmed and nodded slowly. 

"I do love her enough to put her first, Johnny. I just don't have a clear idea of how to do that just yet. There's not much I can do for her right now that would make a difference. All I can do is try to work out the problems I have and make sure she doesn't suffer because of me ever again."

"That's quite a sacrifice for you, Sonny. And I don't mean that sarcastically. Can you think of anyone you've ever known that you would make that sacrifice for?"

"No."

"Then we understand each other and you have my complete support, man. If you need anything from me, just ask. Now come on, we have a craving to fill for an impatient lady."

"Right."

It was a sight to behold. Two handsome strong men walking down one aisle after another, purchasing anything they thought would bring a smile to one particular woman's face. Walking down the last aisle, Sonny stopped and smiled. Looking over at Johnny he saw that his attention was elsewhere and tossed a few items he knew would bring a smile to Alexis' face into the basket.

Arriving at the cash register, Johnny watched in astonishment as one box after another of microwave popcorn was taken from the basket and rung up. All totaled there were ten boxes in all. Shaking his head he looked over at Sonny and they both dissolved into laughter.


	30. Chapter 30

  **_Chapter 30_**

Arriving back at the sanitarium the two men sat comfortably for a moment enjoying the mutual bond they were forming due to their common interest in Alexis. Sonny was a bit ashamed on one hand for not realizing just how decent a guy Johnny was all the years he worked for him, but he was more than pleased that he was now being given the chance to get to know him and that maybe they could possibly become friends before the crisis with Alexis was over. Reaching toward Johnny he held out his hand and waited for Johnny to grasp it.

"Thanks, Johnny. For everything."

"Don't mention it. I'll call you tomorrow with an update. Take it easy man and take care of yourself."

Hesitating a moment Johnny looked back toward the building then again at Sonny. He needed to give Sonny something to let him know he was in this for him as well as for Alexis. 

"Look, why don't you go on over and sit in your car. I'll call Alexis and Joy out to help me carry in all this stuff. At least you'll be able to see her, Sonny."

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Sonny tightened his grip on Johnny's hand.

"Thanks, man. You don't know how much that means to me. See you later."

Watching Sonny exit the truck, Johnny couldn't help but feel sorry for the man. He was totally gone on Alexis and there wasn't a thing he could do about it right now. Hearing his cell phone ring, he pulled it from his pocket and answered it.

"Hello."

"Johnny, it's Ned. I'd like to come out to see Alexis this evening, but I figured I would let you know before I showed up."

"Hey Ned. Why don't you let me check her schedule first? We've been rearranging it a bit and I'm not quite familiar with the changes yet. Let me go get it and call you right back with all the new times on her schedule."

"Is something wrong with Alexis?"

"No, we're just trying something a little different right now. It won't take long for me to get the info and I will call you back."

"Ok. I'll wait for your call."

Johnny could hear the frustration in Ned's voice from the moment he answered the call. He could only imagine how he would have reacted if he knew Alexis had been awake since Sunday afternoon and no one bothered to call him.

Now he had to ask Alexis if she wanted to see Ned and if she didn't, a bigger problem would have to be tackled. Dialing the phone in her room he waited for Joy to answer knowing Alexis would not go near the phone without knowing who was on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Hi Joy. I have a bit more out here that I can handle on my own. Would you like to come out and help me?"

"Sure, hon... Be right there."

"Uh Joy, why don't you ask Alexis if she'll come too. We'll need her hands as well."

"What did you do, buy out the store? Hang on, we'll be right there." 

Joys laughter hit him in the pit of his stomach and made him want to laugh with her.  It was an infectious sound that left him grinning like a fool.  Ending the call he leaned over the tailgate of his truck and began to lift a few bags out. 

Sonny waited expectantly with his eyes glued to the front door. Seeing it finally swing open and two women walk out he leaned forward hoping to recognize one of them. Watching closely he saw one of the women throw her head back and laugh. In that one moment he found his center. The simple sight of her calmed his soul and his heart filled. Alexis. His Alexis. Smiling deeply he watched as she playfully slapped Johnny on the arm as she took an armload of groceries from him then turned to go back inside. Catching a small movement from Johnny he focused on him just in time to see him wave before turning to follow Alexis and Joy inside. Lifting his hand to return the wave, he realized Johnny had already turned back around and didn't seen him wave back. Loneliness engulfed him and he fought the urge to call out to them. Sitting there a moment more he watched them enter the building then sighed deeply before cranking his car and heading back home. 'You and I will be together again, Alexis. On my life, I promise you... I will be ready for you when you are ready for me.' 

______________________

After depositing their load in the kitchen, Johnny caught hold of Alexis' hand and brought her attention to him.

"I just got a call from Ned. He wants to come out tonight and see you. But, he does not know you're back with us. I told him I would check your schedule to see if it was ok for him to come out. I thought you should have the choice of whether you want to see him yet or not. You just tell me what you want to do and I'll take care of it."

Pulling her hand from Johnny's Alexis went to stand by the window and stared out unseeing. Ned. Was she ready for him? If he figured out she was awake, nothing would keep him away no matter what she decided. And besides she didn't want to hurt him. Lowering her head she closed her eyes briefly then looked back at Johnny nodding affirmatively.

"Let him come, Johnny. But, give me enough time to prepare for his visit."

"Alexis, don't worry, I won't leave you alone with him if you don't want me to. I will see to it that he does not push you in any way. All you have to do is let me know how you want this to play out."

"It's ok, Johnny. A lot of what you said yesterday about they way I let the boys treat me actually sunk in. Don't worry. Just leave me alone for a few minutes to gather myself then I'll let you know how I want to handle it."

Johnny watched her disappear into her room then went to the kitchen where Joy was putting away the groceries.

"Joy, do you have any plans tonight?"

"No Johnny, I haven't made any. Why?"

"I may need you to help me with something. I just don't know yet."

Joy watched with concern as Johnny glanced back over his shoulder toward Alexis' room. He was fidgeting a little so she knew something was definitely up. Drawing closer to him she put her arms around his waist and waited until he was ready to talk to her.

"One of her friends wants to come see her tonight. He doesn't know she is awake yet and he can be very domineering where she is concerned. I'm just worried he'll try to start dictating her actions and she won't stop him. But, then again I think maybe she's beginning to realize that she's strong enough to stand up for herself. It's just too soon if you ask me. But, I have to let her make the decision. I'm just worried about her Joy."

Joy listened quietly while he shared his fears with her and held him tighter willing him to feel the comfort she was offering.

"It's ok, Johnny. You're doing fine. Just wait for her to tell you what she needs. That's all you have to do. Just remember, she trusts you. That's all you have to remember. You won't fail her as long as you continue to put her needs above everyone else's."

Looking down into her face and feeling his love for her deepen a little more he placed his hands on either side of her face and smiled into her eyes.

"Problem is, you are fast becoming my greatest priority, Joy. Don't get me wrong, she is my friend and I love her as such, but I am beginning to think of you more than her. Joy, help me keep things together the way they are supposed to be. Please help me not fail her. I would never forgive myself if I failed her."

Removing his hands from her face and holding them within her own tenderly, she lowered her gaze to stare at their entwined hands trying to find the right words to ease his fears while still trying to maintain control over her own emotions. For Johnny to come to a point of being afraid that his care of Alexis could be jeopardized by his growing feelings for her was something that struck the very core of Joy. Looking back up into eyes that were filled with love and longing for her, Joy reached up and brought his face closer to her and kissed him as one tear after another found their way down her cheeks. After a few moments she released him and leaned back.

"Johnny, as long as I can be with you here and help you care for Alexis, I will be satisfied to wait for as long as it takes for her to walk out of here well. I don't mind waiting as long as I am waiting with you. We are here and we are together. Not only do we get our time together, but Alexis benefits as well by simply being around two people who are falling in love. How much more of an affirmation of love and life could she wish for. She cares for you deeply and wants you to be happy. Make sure she knows that you are. You take care of her and I'll take care of you. And don't worry about me. You just told me how much you care for me and I need to tell you that you mean just as much to me. So, go... take care of her. I'll be around when you need me."

Taking hold of her fiercely, Johnny held her as if his life depended on her next breath. Letting go he leaned back and smiled as she wiped the tears from his face.

He kissed her once more then went to wait for Alexis to tell him how she wanted to handle the visit with Ned.


	31. Chapter 31

**__**

Chapter 31   
  
Entering her bedroom, Alexis sat down in the chair beside the window. Looking out at the trees swaying in the breeze and watching a few patients take their daily stroll she absently caressed her child.   
  
"Well, how do you think we ought to handle this situation, sweetheart? I don't want you harmed in any way and I don't want to ever feel trapped again. Ned always had a way of making me feel trapped when he wanted something from me that I didn't want to give. It just never occurred to me that not standing up for myself could be harmful to me. Quite honestly, I'm still having a problem with it. But, I have to consider the possibility now for your sake. I want you safe and I want the chance to spend as many days with you as I can before you grow out of your need for your mother."   
  
Alexis allowed herself to daydream for a few minutes. She envisioned her daughter at two, cuddling with her just before sleep claimed her to dream of rocking horses, teddy bears and rainbows that ended in pots of gold. At twelve, sporting a training bra with puberty raging and pimpled faced boys eliciting scarlet blushes where indifference once held court. At sixteen when needing to be seen as an adult proved both exciting and frightening. At eighteen, when mother's are left behind to go in search of new worlds... new promises; with one step forward and one solemn glance back... hesitating... hoping to catch a glimpse of just one remaining apron string left hanging... just in case.   
  
Bringing herself back to the present Alexis focused on her discussion with Johnny the previous afternoon.   
  
"Do you remember what Johnny said yesterday, sweetheart? He had to remove Ned bodily from my room last week. So that tells me that Ned is still up to his old tricks. I guess the real question should be why does Ned feel he has a right to dictate my medical care? It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't it be Stephan or Nicholas? Seems as if there's more going on here than I can remember. Did Ned finally succeed in pulling me into his world this last year? I guess that's the one question I need answered before he gets here."   
  
Getting up she went in search of Johnny. Surely Johnny would see the need in having that one question answered before Ned arrived.   
  
"Johnny?"   
  
Calling out to Johnny she found him just coming from the kitchen with a gentle smile on his face.   
  
"You've been hanging out with Joy again, I see. I love to see that smile on your face. Come sit with me. I have a question I need answered before Ned gets here. Do you have a minute?"   
  
"Sure, partner. Sounds like you've decided to see him. What can I do to help?"   
  
Sitting down on the sofa beside Johnny the doubts and fears that were settling within her regarding Ned's arrival eased as she looked into Johnny's caring eyes. No matter what happened this evening, Johnny would take care of her.   
  
"There's something I need to know before Ned gets here. It will help me in how I deal with his visit."   
  
"If I have an answer that won't further harm you, I'll be more than happy to give it to you. What do you need to know?"   
  
"Were Ned and I having some sort of relationship... I mean, were we married or something last year?"   
  
"That's an easy one and one I don't mind answering at all. No, you two were not married and you were not in any kind of romantic relationship. As far as I could tell, you were just friends."   
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Alexis ducked her head and laughed uncertainly.   
  
"You have no idea just how much I needed that answer."   
  
"And you have no idea just how happy I was to give you that answer."   
  
Laughing together that they had wholeheartedly agreed on the question of Ned Ashton, Johnny finally quieted and became serious.   
  
"Do you want me around tonight, Alexis?"   
  
Looking down at her hand where it rested just above her child, Alexis tried to visualize the possibilities of what could go right versus what could go wrong in the visit. But, what it all boiled down to was could she handle the visit alone without it threatening her in any way. Was she strong enough to deal with Ned on her own yet? Feeling uncertainty and fear rise at the thought of facing Ned alone, Alexis looked back up at Johnny.   
  
"Why don't we make it a foursome? If Joy is here with you then Ned won't feel he's being chaperoned as much and I'll have my support base in place just in case I need it. And Johnny, I have to tell you I'm real apprehensive about Ned coming. I mean... I'm just letting you know what's going on in my head."   
  
"Don't worry partner, I'll take care of everything. Why don't you go lay down for a while and rest. If you want, I'll send Joy in to talk to you for a bit to get your mind off everything for a few minutes."   
  
"That would be nice, Johnny. I think I would like to lay down and rest for awhile and having Joy to chat with would be lovely. Thanks, Johnny, you're the best."   
  
Parting company with Alexis, Johnny went back to the kitchen to talk to Joy before calling Ned.   
  
"Joy, I told Alexis that she could count on you and I to stick around here tonight while she visits with Ned. I hope you don't mind."   
  
"You know I don't, Johnny. Is there anything I can do for her, woman to woman?"   
  
"Yeah, she could use a friend to talk to right now. She's laying down in her room waiting for you. Try to get her to doze off for a while. Tonight is going to be really rough for her Joy and she's going to need to be rested."   
  
Hugging Johnny on her way out the door, she reassured him again.   
  
"We'll do whatever is necessary to protect her, Johnny. You and me together until she is able to on her own again. I'll be back in a while to fix dinner for four."   
  
"Thanks, Joy."   
  
Watching Joy leave the room, Johnny pulled his cell phone out and dialed Ned's number. Sighing heavily he prayed he wouldn't have to get physical with Ned tonight.   
  
"Ned. It's Johnny."   
  
"It's about time. What took you so long in getting back to me?"   
  
"I had to make sure it was ok first. Look Ned, same rules apply no matter what the change in circumstance is. You cannot project anything negative her way. And if I feel that you can't handle that then out you go. Now, that being said; I need to prepare you for what you will find when you get here."   
  
"Johnny, don't push me. I've already agreed to you being there and not interfering with Alexis' care. Why are you coming down on me again? What's changed... has she gotten worse?"   
  
"No." Johnny took a deep breath then let go of the words quickly. "She woke up Sunday afternoon, but she is still very fragile."   
  
"**_WHAT_**? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? SHE NEEDS ME THERE WITH HER."   
  
Totally exasperated with Ned, Johnny counted to ten before answering him.   
  
"No, Ned. She did not need you here upsetting her every time she took a breath. I think you and I should have a talk before you see Alexis tonight. Why don't you meet me in the parking lot at 7:00?"   
  
"No, I don't think so. I am on my way out there right now to see her."   
  
"And you will be escorted off the premises by armed guards before you ever step foot in the door. Why must you make this so hard, Ned? Are you worried that you won't be able to run her life or something?"   
  
"You don't know anything about my relationship with Alexis. And I'll guarantee you that once she finds out how I have been treated, you will have to find yourself another job."   
  
Johnny tried once more to explain the situation, but found he was talking to a dead line. Redialing he called the front desk and asked for the office of security.   
  
"Gene, there is going to be a man arriving very soon that I want stopped from entering the building. His name is Ned Ashton. If he arrives before I get out there, call me and I'll be right out. Under no circumstance is he to be allowed into the building. He is trying to get to a patient that has to be kept calm at all costs. You might want to cover all entrances to the building. Can you handle it for me?"   
  
"Sure, Johnny. Whatever you want. I'll call and make sure all entrances are closed and locked for the next hour except the front entrance and when he gets here I'll call you. Will you need me to stick around after that?"   
  
"I'll let you know, Gene, and thanks. I owe you."   
  
Hanging up with Gene, Johnny called Kevin.   
  
"Hey, Kevin. Just wanted you to know that I've called security to be on alert. They are closing down all entrances except the front door for the next hour."   
  
"What's up, Johnny? Who's trying to make trouble?"   
  
"It's Ashton. He called earlier to see if he could come out. I put him off until I had a chance to talk to Alexis about it and she agreed to the visit. So, I called Ashton back and told him Alexis woke up Sunday. Well as you can imagine he went off and is on his way here now to see her. In his current frame of mind he will only harm her so I called in security. Hope you don't mind, but it was either them stopping him or me taking care of him. Once he gets here he will be detained. I will talk to him and let him know what Alexis decides. You are welcome to join me if you like. But, right now I have to go talk to Alexis."   
  
"Is she ok, Johnny? Is she handling things ok right now?"   
  
"Yeah she is; better than I would have expected. She's very aware that she has to be careful with all of this and made sure I would be around tonight with Ashton in case she needed him removed or something."   
  
"That's good to hear. I'll keep an eye out for Ashton and will be there to back you up."   
  
Johnny hung up and pocketed his cell phone. Dreading what he was faced with, he walked back into Alexis' room to let her know what was going on. Entering her bedroom he stood just inside the door until the girls noticed him. They were sitting on each side of the bed chatting aimlessly when they noticed him enter.   
  
Alexis knew something was up. There was an odd look on Johnny's face. Motioning him in she waited until he was seated at the foot of the bed.   
  
"What is it, Johnny? Something's wrong."   
  
Taking hold of Joy's hand for strength and Alexis' hand to comfort her, he began to tell them both what had taken place.   
  
"Alexis, I've had the building locked down. Ashton is on his way here and he's acting like a total jackass again. Sorry for the language. When I told him that you were awake he went off about why he wasn't told and how much you needed him. Well, you've known him long enough to get the picture."   
  
"Yes, I get the picture. So, I take it he's not waiting until this evening to come out here. He's on his way to save the day. Right?"   
  
"Yeah. It's still up to you how you want to handle this, but in my opinion I think the boy needs to be taught a lesson in how to care about the women he comes in contact with. This is exactly what I was talking about yesterday regarding his lack of respect for you."   
  
"I know, Johnny. I see your point. Tell me something, do I have to worry about Ned knowing enough about the last year that if he can't hold his tongue I may find out something I'm not prepared to handle?"   
  
"Yes. I'm sorry, Alexis, but that has been my concern all along."   
  
"I understand, Johnny. Don't worry, it's ok. Joy if you and Johnny don't mind; can you give me a few minutes alone please. I'll write a note for you to give to him, Johnny. Maybe if he knows it's my choice not to see him today then he'll calm down. I hesitate to say it, but I agree it's too soon for Ned to be here. I'm just not ready for him yet. Is that wrong of me, Johnny?"   
  
Alexis was having a problem in the decision to turn Ned away. There were so many times that he tried to dictate what she would do or how she should feel and somehow over the years it became normal. She had simply accepted that that was the way Ned was and if she wanted him in her life then she would have to accept his domineering ways. Would he still be willing to be her friend if she stood up for herself and told him 'no' every once in a while?   
  
Johnny watched as a myriad of emotions crossed Alexis' face. Standing to move around the bed so he could kneel beside her. Johnny took her hands in his and forced her to look at him.   
  
"Alexis, I've always wanted you to take a stand for yourself. And no, it is not wrong for you to decide what's best and when it's best. That's been one of the problems all along. You're taking care of yourself now and that's good. Actually, I'm thrilled to see it. Don't question your right to be an individual with your own set of personal ideas and beliefs. For you, this is a pretty serious decision; are you ok with it?"   
  
Taking account of the concern she saw on Johnny's face, she took his face between her hands and brought his face closer and kissed him on the forehead.   
  
"Actually, I am. I think I'm more relieved than anything else that I don't have to face Ned tonight. Normally, I would have forced myself to endure it in silence, but a very special friend of mine helped me to see that it was ok to say no if I wanted to."   
  
Chuckling at her admission, Johnny stood and holding his hand out to Joy walked toward the door.   
  
"Let me know when you have that note written. We should have a good twenty minutes before he gets here."   
  
"I'll be out in a few minutes, Johnny. And thank you, both of you."


	32. Chapter 32

**__**

Chapter 32   
  
Johnny was waiting outside for Ned to arrive. Looking down and seeing the note from Alexis to Ned in his hand, he shook his head regretfully. 'It didn't have to be this way Ashton. If you had just thought of her first.'   
  
Lifting his head when he felt someone touch him, he looked back at Gene, the security guard, then followed with his eyes to where Gene pointed to.   
  
"Is that the guy, Johnny?"   
  
"Yeah, that's him. Let me handle it, ok Gene? Just call Dr. Collins and let him know Ashton is here."   
  
Stepping down from the steps leading to the front door, Johnny waited for Ned to get closer. Just as Ned started to pass him, Johnny reached out and caught his arm drawing him to a standstill.   
  
"You're not going in, Ned."   
  
"Yes, I am. And if I have to, I'll call security, the police, Kevin or whoever else I have to, but I am going in."   
  
"No, you are not. And if you'd care to be a little more observant, I already have security out here and Kevin is on his way as well. I tried to tell you what was going on here and you were too arrogant, and insensitive to listen. Now, since you won't listen to me, maybe you will listen to Alexis. Just after I called you, I spoke to her and let her know that I told you she was awake and how you reacted. Her answer to your presence here is in this note that she personally wrote to you and asked me to deliver."   
  
Seething, Ned ripped the note from Johnny's hand and took a couple of steps away to read it.   
  
Dear Ned, _  
_ _  
_It seems that I was unable to handle the insaneness of my life after all. And evidently the last year was so traumatic, this brain of mine decided to hide it from me. Just to give you an idea of what I'm up against, the last thing I remember for sure is Chloe dying. I'm sure you'll understand what it is costing me to have to relive that moment all over again. _  
_ _  
_So, I hope you will understand my need to get a better handle on things before I begin having visitors. I have been told that you were the one who found me and I love you for taking care of me when I couldn't. As soon as I am steadier on my feet I will call you and we'll get together and talk about old times. At least those I remember. Please do not give Johnny a hard time; he is only doing what I have asked him to do. I just need some time to find my way once again. _  
_ _  
_Be my friend, Ned. Please. _  
_ _  
_Alexis _  
_   
  
Johnny watched as Ned read the note, fold it and place it in his pocket. Just as Ned turned back toward his car he looked back at Johnny.   
  
"Give her a message for me, Johnny. Just tell her, 'No Harm'. And... thanks… for taking care of her."   
  
"Ned, can you pass the word along. And if you'd like, I'll call when I can to let you know how she's doing."   
  
"Yea, I'll pass the word along and I'll look for your call."   
  
As Ned walked away dejectedly, Johnny breathed a sigh of relief. Hoping that would be the end of unwelcome attitudes and guests, Johnny looked back toward Gene and saw Kevin had joined him. Smiling at the two of them he went to join them.   
  
"Gene, we shouldn't have any more problems so you can open back up. Thanks for helping me out."   
  
"No problem, Johnny. Any time you need anything, just ring."   
  
Waiting until Gene reentered the building, Johnny turned back to Kevin.   
  
"That went a little smoother than I expected it to. I don't know what she wrote in that note, but it sure worked."   
  
"Johnny, tell me how she's really doing. From a doctor's standpoint."   
  
"Well, the decision to not see Ned was hers based on his reaction to her being awake. And she wrote the note on her own which evidently got the point across. I'd say she's doing pretty good. I mean, it seems like she's thinking about what's good for her and the baby rather than catering to everybody else like she always did before. I'm proud of the way she handled this."   
  
"Sounds like she's becoming smarter about how to deal with pushy people. Johnny, I'd really like to talk to her. I give you my word I won't push and I won't talk to her about anything other that her medical condition. I need to get a look at her pupils and see how the relaxant is effecting her. I know she's probably doing ok from what you're telling me, but there is just so much you have no idea about. Talk to her Johnny. Get her to give me just 5 minutes in my office."   
  
"You gonna be around awhile?"   
  
"For the next couple of hours at least."   
  
"I'll go talk to her and if she agrees we'll meet you in your office in a few minutes."   
  
"Thanks, Johnny. I never would have guessed she'd be so hard on me."   
  
"It's not you, Kevin. She is just trying to protect herself."   
  
"I know. That's why I'm not pushing her. She needs to learn how to protect herself even if it is from me. I'll be waiting for you, Johnny."   
  
Entering the building they parted ways, Johnny to go back to Alexis and Kevin back to his office to wait for her to make the right decision about seeing him. 

*************  
  
"Is he ok, Johnny? Did I hurt him? Did he leave? You didn't hit him did you?"   
  
Johnny barely got in the door before Alexis assaulted him with questions.   
  
"Alexis, he's fine. He read the note and told me to tell you 'No Harm'."   
  
Sighing in relief she smiled and replied with a whisper, 'No Foul'.   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"Oh, nothing. Just something Ned and I share. What else, Johnny?"   
  
"He said he would wait for you to call when you're ready and that he would pass the message along. Everything is fine. Now stop worrying. You did the right thing and not only do I know it, but you know it and so does Ned now. But, I have to tell you I had somebody else out there backing me up in case I needed it."   
  
Knowing what was coming, Alexis gave in and asked anyway.   
  
"Who, Johnny? Kevin?"   
  
"Yes. He was standing behind me ready to jump in if I needed help. Alexis, he has asked if you'll go see him for just 5 minutes. That's all, just 5 minutes."   
  
"Why? Didn't you tell him I was doing fine? I am Johnny. I'm trying to do everything I'm supposed to in order to get myself out of here. What does he want from me?"   
  
Smiling gently at her, he put his hands on her shoulders and shook her gently.   
  
"He wants to see your pupils. That's all."   
  
Seeing the twinkle in his eye, Alexis laughed.   
  
"Just what does he want to see my pupils for?"   
  
"Well, he wants to see how the relaxant is doing?"   
  
"Is that all, Johnny?"   
  
"That's what he said and what I agreed to if you decided to see him."   
  
"You know, maybe I should hire you as my bodyguard."   
  
The pain sliced through the side of her head before she had a chance to grab it. Waiting a moment to regain her equilibrium she looked back at Johnny's concerned face.   
  
"It's ok. It's gone. It didn't hurt quite as much that time and didn't stay as long either. Maybe I'm getting used to it now. Come on; let's go see Kevin. And I'm holding you to that 5 minutes."   
  
Walking into Kevin's office a few minutes later, Alexis smiled at the look of eagerness and relief from Kevin.   
  
"Thank you, Alexis. Whether you believe it or not I've missed you. I don't have anyone else around here capable of giving me as hard a time as you do. And I promise I'll stick to the agreement of 5 minutes, I just want to see how your pupils are reacting given the dosage I have you on and if everything checks out, I think I would like to change it to a milder dosage. Sound ok to you?"   
  
Laughing at his nervousness, Alexis sat down in the chair in front of his desk and glanced back at Johnny reassuringly.   
  
"That was a mouthful, Kevin. You need to relax yourself. I hear you stood behind my buddy here a few minutes ago. Thank you."   
  
"It was the least I could do for your 'doctor' since he's doing so well with your care. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I don't think I could do any better for you."   
  
"He is quite the man. I think I've decided to keep him around for a long time to come."   
  
Blushing profusely at the compliments he was receiving, Johnny interjected a quip of his own.   
  
"I think Joy would have something to say about that, partner. You have 4 more minutes so leave me out of your little session here thank you very much."   
  
Laughing freely she leaned back a little more and punched Johnny on the arm.   
  
"Ok, Kevin. Take a peek at my eyeballs and let me get back to recuperating."   
  
"Yes, ma'am. Your wish is my command."   
  
"As it should be, right Johnny?"   
  
"Right. Geez, give her an inch and she takes a mile."   
  
Pulling his ophthalmoscope from his pocket, Kevin checked the reflexive response to light in both of Alexis' eyes, then sat back satisfactorily.   
  
"Any dizziness, headaches or brief lapses in consciousness?"   
  
"No. At least not like what you're probably asking about."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"I get piercing bouts of pain every once in a while when something familiar is said. But, I don't lose consciousness. The pain comes then goes just as quickly. But, I wasn't too worried since Johnny said it was normal in the process of remembering."   
  
Kevin smiled sarcastically.   
  
"Yes, Johnny would know something like that based on his medical degree. At least throw me a bone here once in a while, counselor."   
  
Laughing at his attempt to pull off a joke, Alexis glanced back at Johnny and saw he was getting agitated because time was up.   
  
"It's ok, Johnny. Relax and sit a minute. I mean I do owe him at least a chance to earn his pay. We'll leave in just another minute or so."   
  
She watched as Johnny leaned against the door, knowing he wouldn't relax until she was on her way back to her room. Turning back to Kevin she became serious.   
  
"Kevin, I apologize for cutting you off. It just got to be a bit too much and I need to be able to feel safe here. With you coming at me like you did, I felt like I was having to fight for my very existence. So, I made Johnny agree to a few stipulations. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."   
  
Kevin walked around his desk and sat on the front of it taking her hands in his.   
  
"Somewhere along the way someone sold you a bill of goods that you took to heart and it has kept you from realizing the potential you have within you. I see so much in you, in the depth of those beautiful eyes of yours and in that bottomless heart as well. It astounds me that you can't see it. I'm here to tell you, whoever that someone was could use a healthy dose of the woman I know sitting right in front of me. Your apologies are not necessary."   
  
Moving off the desk without releasing her hands, Kevin knelt in front of her.   
  
"In looking into your eyes I see an enormous amount of love just waiting to be shared. But, because you've never had a successful experience with love you hold your ability to love hostage; fearing the hurt that has always accompanied the sharing of love in your life. You hold yourself at a distance from the very ones who need your love and crave it."   
  
Moving away from the door, Johnny pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to Alexis. He knelt on the other side of her and lay his hand on her arm to draw her attention.   
  
"Hey, you ok?"   
  
At her nod that she was, Johnny squeezed her arm gently and moved back a little to give her a little more room. He didn't want to interrupt what Kevin was trying to accomplish with her and he knew he would thank Kevin later for trying to help her the way he was.   
  
Kevin stopped speaking to Alexis and looked to Johnny, waiting to see if he would be allowed to continue. Johnny smiled a bit and nodded his head at Kevin urging him to go on.   
  
"Alexis, do I need to back off? I don't want you to feel ambushed here. I was only supposed to check you out medically, I just got a little carried away and for that I apologize."   
  
Alexis paused before answering. She was well aware that a lot of what Kevin was saying was the truth, and that being the case, then Kevin had to have been talking about her outside the walls of the sanitarium again.   
  
"It's ok, Kevin. But, I have a question for you. Have you been talking to my brother again?"   
  
"I can honestly say that I have not spoken to anyone in your family about you since you informed me that it was no longer an option without your permission. What I know was obtained before you woke up. And if that is a problem, then you have my word that I will not bring it up again. I am just desperate to help you put the pieces of your life back together."   
  
"I'm so sorry for making this so difficult for you, Kevin. I'm just kind of working without a net here and it's a little daunting."   
  
"Alexis,do not ever apologize for taking care of or asking for what you need to survive the ups and downs of your life. If you felt in any way threatened by my presence or what I was saying, then you did the right thing. In taking care of the situation with Ned this afternoon, you did the right thing. What you need to keep reminding yourself is that no matter what your past was or how many times you were told how inferior you were, the exact opposite is true. You are more than capable and intelligent enough to make emotional decisions based on what is right for you. You are a very attractive intelligent woman who actually does have the capacity to choose her own way. The only problem I see is that you have allowed someone to so diminish your worth in your own eyes, that you cannot see your true value outside your legal acumen. And that in my opinion is the most egregious of criminal acts imaginable especially for a woman of your stature."   
  
Standing quickly, ready to escape the confines of the office, Alexis pulled both Kevin and Johnny up to stand beside her.   
  
"Gentlemen, I'm sure you both probably know who that was, and I am by no means ready to go there yet. I don't want to think about her and I am asking that you not mention her again until I am ready. There, is that strong enough?"   
  
Both men noticed her small sly smile and the hint of a twinkle in her eye, but they were also very aware of the tension that had fallen in the room. Lifting his arm for her to take, Johnny took the situation in hand. It was time for Alexis to be rescued.   
  
"Come on, partner. I feel the need for some microwave popcorn. How about you?"   
  
Relieved and grateful for Johnny's insight, Alexis took his arm and clung to him.   
  
"That sounds heavenly. Lead on o'great protector of mine."   
  
Looking back once, she smiled at Kevin and whispered a quiet 'Thank you' and felt relieved as he waved her on without hesitation.


	33. Chapter 33

**__**

Chapter 33   
  
Lying in bed the next morning, Alexis felt completely drained. Her dreams during the night were filled with sights and sounds that left her always on the edge... waiting and wondering when something... anything would be clear enough to make sense. And always, _'he'_ was there, standing just inside the shadows. Everything in her dreams seemed to be centered around the shadow that always stayed just outside her focus. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't bring his face close enough to recognize him.  
  
Turning onto her side, she noticed that she had overslept and it was almost time for her morning walk. Groaning at the silent screams of her body's wish to stay in bed, Alexis slowly stood up and reached for her robe. Holding it in her hand staring at it, she again remembered the dreams of the night before. Sighing with exasperation and more than a little anger she threw the robe back down on the bed and went to the closet to get a pair of jeans and a sweater. She needed room to breathe. She hadn't hyperventilated once since waking, but she could feel it coming on and she needed to get outside. Dressing quickly, she peeked into the living room and finding it empty quickly walked to the door and quietly opened it. Glancing back over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't seen, she closed the door after her and headed outside.   
  
She turned toward the direction of the north lawn as it would give her more time alone before Johnny realized she was missing and started looking for her. She felt guilty for sneaking away from Johnny, but she needed some time alone. For the past few days, she could not remember having one moment to herself and now she couldn't even find peace at night. As images began to assail her once again, she felt her lungs tighten and her breathing become labored. Stopping, she bent forward and tried to inhale deeply finding it impossible to fill her lungs. As she stood there leaning forward trying desperately to catch her breath, a paper bag was suddenly thrust into her hand open and ready for use. Grabbing it quickly and pressing her face into it she heard a quiet strong voice next to her ear.   
  
"Breathe. Take your time and focus. In, then out. Just breathe."   
  
Listening to the soft soothing voice she finally caught her breath then looked up into the darkest most caring eyes she believed she had ever seen before. And they belonged to one of the most handsome men as well. Dark olive skin set off by the most beguiling face. She smiled at him hesitantly and was immediately assaulted by the deepest and cutest set of dimples ever imagined.   
  
Gazing at the face of the woman who held his world, he could tell she didn't recognize him and instantly knew not to pressure her. Recognition had to come in her own time and in her own way. He was just ecstatic that he was finally face to face with her and she had not turned away from him. He caught his breath and held it as she finally spoke.   
  
"Thank you. How did you know?"   
  
He knew what she was asking and had to think quickly in order to give her a somewhat generic answer.   
  
"You looked like you were having trouble breathing. I thought I could help."   
  
"And you carry a paper bag around with you just to help strange women in respiratory distress. Sounds like you lead an interesting life."   
  
"Actually it's been very interesting lately."   
  
Just as Alexis was about to ask the stranger's name, she heard what could only be Johnny running up behind her calling out her name.   
  
Johnny was terrified when he had gone to check on Alexis. She was still asleep when he got up this morning and knew from checking on her throughout the night that she had slept fitfully. So rather than wake her for breakfast, he decided to just let her sleep. As time neared for their walk, he glanced into her room and found her bed empty. Panicking he ran through the suite checking every room and not finding her began to search for her in the places she may have gone within the sanitarium and still not finding her raced outside. Figuring he had an idea of what she was up to, rather than heading toward the south lawn as would have been expected, he headed north and finally saw her from a distance. As he neared her, he recognized the man that stood beside her. Sonny.   
  
Picking up his speed a bit, he called out to her hoping he had gotten to her before any damage was done. Throwing Sonny a look of warning, he drew to a standstill beside Alexis.   
  
"Hey, how come the disappearing act? You had me worried sick."   
  
Laying a calming hand on his arm she looked up at him with a look of warning to let him know not to give away any of her secrets.   
  
"I'm fine, Johnny. I just wanted to take a walk on my own. Find out what it felt like to not be under a microscope for a few minutes. Don't worry. I'm perfectly fine and this gentleman saved from making a total idiot of myself."   
  
Johnny looked at Sonny and saw an almost invisible shake of his head telling him to not say anything to upset Alexis or even hint that he knew him. Johnny returned his focus to Alexis and relaxed a bit. She had no idea who Sonny was. To her he was a perfect stranger. Johnny needed to call Kevin as soon as possible, but he didn't want to leave Alexis with Sonny alone. There was just too much at stake.   
  
"Alexis, do I need to leave you to your peaceful walk then?"   
  
Sonny grasped what Johnny was up to and stepped in to clear the way.   
  
"If you'll both excuse me, I need to be on my way. I have somewhere to be."   
  
Alexis shyly met his gaze.   
  
"Thank you for helping me..."   
  
And before she could finish her sentence... Sonny interrupted her so she wouldn't have a chance to ask his name.   
  
"Don't think anything of it. I was glad to help. Now, if you will excuse me..."   
  
Turning quickly, Sonny headed toward the sanitarium and with his back to her finally could let go of the biggest smile he had allowed himself in weeks. 

  
'One way or another, Alexis... one way or another.'   
  
Just as Sonny entered the sanitarium he ran into Kevin who was on his way to his office. He set up an appointment with Kevin to begin what he hoped would be an exorcism of the bitterness and anger that had a way of exploding at will. Realizing that at the onset Alexis was the reason for delving into the problem of his anger, Sonny was beginning to recognize that he needed this for himself. He needed to find a way to let go of the past so that he could focus on a future free of pain, free from the anger brought on in part by the losses he endured in his life.   
  
Looking back just as the door closed behind him, Sonny caught a last glimpse of Alexis as she continued on her walk; noting that Johnny had fallen into step beside her. Johnny... Sonny was grateful for Johnny's presence in Alexis' life. Alexis would be protected in every way possible as she found her way back. 'And you're coming back to me, Alexis... whether you know it or not.' Sonny smiled deeply and turned back to Kevin.   
  
Kevin was curious at the look on Sonny's face. He couldn't ever remember that kind of a look on his face before. The man looked exhilarated.   
  
"What's with you? You look like your last enemy on earth just died."   
  
"No, but that would nice. I just spoke to Alexis. And before you go jumping down my throat or something, she didn't know who I was. I mean she looked me right in the face and didn't recognize me. I guess that should really bother me, but right now I couldn't be happier. Do you know what this means, Kevin?"   
  
"Evidently it means quite a lot to you, which quite frankly confuses me. Just why is Alexis not recognizing you good news to you?"   
  
"Don't you get it man? I have a chance to make everything right with her. You know, fix everything I did wrong."   
  
Taking Sonny by the arm, he led him down a small corridor out of the way and turned to face him.   
  
"You seem to be forgetting the fact that Alexis may not remember you now, but Sonny, she will remember... everything. She will remember her sister. And she will remember what has occurred with you over the past couple of years."   
  
Watching Sonny's face fall, Kevin sincerely felt sorry for him. Motioning Sonny to join him, he headed in the direction of his office to settle down comfortably for their first official session together.   
  
Arriving at his office, he paused long enough for Sonny to make himself comfortable in the wing-backed chair next to the sofa. Wanting to make Sonny feel more like a participant and less like a patient, Kevin sat next to him on the sofa and leaned back relaxing into the softness of the pillows that lay on the sofa.   
  
"Just to break the ice a little, tell me what truth you shared with Alexis that may have been the catalyst to your initial bond."   
  
"You don't mess around when you set your mind to something, do you?"   
  
Sonny was taken by surprise at the question. He wasn't prepared to just jump into his connection with Alexis. He figured Kevin would have wanted to start with his childhood and that's what he prepared himself for. Bringing Alexis into the conversation so fast threw him. Alexis. His heart and mind were suddenly filled with her and he reveled in the feeling. He jumped slightly as Kevin's voice brought him out of his reverie.   
  
"Well Sonny, not knowing just what it is that keeps you on so tight a leash, I thought it best to start with something that would be a little more comfortable for you to talk about. Did I throw a wrench into your expectations?"   
  
"Yeah. I wasn't prepared for that one. But, since you brought it up and since it has a direct bearing on what I had originally prepared myself for, I guess that's as good a place to start as any."   
  
"Look, Sonny, we don't have to start there if it's too tough for you. We can start wherever you feel most comfortable. The object here is to begin slowly to work through whatever has caused so much damage with the least amount of harm."   
  
Becoming agitated at what he was about to do, Sonny stood abruptly and went to stand by the window. At this particular moment he couldn't think of anything else he had ever done or would ever do again in his life that would be more difficult than opening the door to his past in this manner. In freely coming here to sit and talk to Kevin Collins about the horrors of his past he was finally admitting that he was incapable of dealing with the fallout of it all on his own. That admission alone was like a lit match approaching a box of gunpowder. Letting his gaze roam the grounds, his eyes were drawn to the only reason he would put himself through such an ordeal.   
Alexis and Johnny had just found their way onto the south lawn and they were talking quite seriously it appeared. Resolving himself to the matter at hand, he turned from the window and rejoined Kevin. For himself, for her, and for their future... he began to tell Kevin his story.   
  
*******************   
  
"Alexis, did I do something to anger you or are you just needing some space?"   
  
Johnny watched with relief as Sonny turned and walked away. Looking back at Alexis he hesitated a moment as she began moving in the other direction. He did not know whether to follow her or leave her alone for a while. There was no doubt that she was getting increasingly more agitated as each day passed without a full disclosure of the memories that were haunting her at night. He watched her take a few more steps then stop. When she turned to face him, the extreme anguish on her face broke his heart.   
  
"Walk with me, Johnny. Don't talk, just walk."   
  
Alexis could feel the anxiety growing within her and she knew it was not healthy for the baby. But, she didn't know how to stop it. She could feel Johnny's unease as he walked along beside her so she reached out and took his hand squeezing it gently to reassure him that she was ok then left her hand within the comfort of his. She wasn't ok though. The darkness felt like it was looming just over head again waiting for her to let her guard down. There were so many images and voices bombarding her that made no sense and it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused on the present. She thought if she could just figure out who the person was that seemed to be the constant in all of the images, then everything would fall into place.   
  
But, it just wasn't happening and she was getting more agitated and angrier at every passing hour, which only led to an increase in her fear factor. Fear tended to strip her of her control. She learned that lesson a long time ago. Mentally shoring herself up she began silently talking to herself. 'This is not that hard, Alexis. Just focus. You'll see who it is if you will just concentrate. There is nothing to be afraid of. Johnny already told you there was no one out there that would harm you. So get a grip and just do it.' As she walked along beside Johnny she began trying to center on the figure that kept haunting her. And once again, just as the face began to emerge from the shadows it vanished. Crying out as a searing pain shot through her, Alexis yanked her hand from Johnny's and grabbed each side of her head with both of her hands screaming out against the pain and total frustration that was consuming her. Just as her knees buckled beneath her she felt Johnny lift her up and walk hurriedly to the nearest bench and sit her down kneeling in front of her holding her hands within his.   
  
"Alexis, you have got to stop this. You have got to stop trying to force yourself to remember. You are only hurting yourself at this point. I know how much you want your life back, but this is not the way to do it. I knew you were stubborn, but this is insane. Please, don't keep doing this. You're forcing me to make a decision I don't want to make on your behalf."   
  
Bringing her eyes up instantly to stare intently at Johnny, Alexis knew immediately what he was threatening her with. She angrily pulled her hands from his hold.   
  
"Don't you dare threaten me, Johnny. Don't you dare! Why don't you go back inside and let me finish my walk alone! I don't need you this morning. I'll be in when I'm good and ready."   
  
Standing abruptly she stepped around him and walked briskly away. She looked over her shoulder to see if he was following her and stopped lowering her head. Turning, she began to walk back toward Johnny who was now seated on the bench with his head in his hands. She could tell by his posture that she hurt him deeply. Sitting down beside him she put her arm around him.   
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny. I didn't mean to hurt you. Look at me. Look at me, Johnny."   
  
As he raised his head to look at her she saw the tears run down his cheeks. Sighing heavily she lay her head on his shoulder.   
  
"It's ok, Johnny. It's ok."   
  
"No, Alexis it's not. You're hurting and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. I wish I could. I'd give my life if I could make this all better for you. But, I can't stand to see you hurting yourself either. It tears me up. Tell me what I can do for you. Tell me what it is that you need from me to make this bearable for you. I'll do it, Alexis. No matter what it is. I'll do it."   
  
"I don't know, Johnny. I don't know what to do any more than you do. What I do know is I want to go home. I want to walk into a courtroom to plead someone's case and win. I want to walk into the PC Grille and order dinner like a normal person. I want to know for certain that it's ok to feel safe again. I want to know if my baby's father loved me. I want to know why he left me. And I want to know what I did that cost me so much that I felt there was no other alternative but to run. I want to be ok again, Johnny. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for my life back."   
  
With every question she asked the emotion that she had tried so desperately to contain finally escaped her control and the tears found their way slowly down to soak the shirt that lay beneath her cheek.   
  
With his own tears falling unchecked Johnny kissed the top of her head and answered her.   
  
"No, my friend, it is not too much to ask."


	34. Chapter 34

__

Chapter 34

"I have blood on my hands. And I can't get rid of it. Sometimes I have nightmares and I'm drowning in it."

The first full session of therapy was in progress for Sonny and Kevin wasn't pulling any punches.

"A side-effect of the life you chose, I imagine?"

"Probably. But, it started before I chose to be who I am. Alexis and I have more in common that you would think. She holds herself responsible for her mother's death just as I hold myself responsible for my mother's death."

"How did she die?"

"From a beating I wasn't there to stop. She married a cop when I was eight and he started beating both of us. I was in it for eight years before I left home. She sent me away to get me out of it. I fought back when I was 16 and almost killed the man. She stayed and he eventually killed her. I should have taken her with me... I should have protected her. She was my mother... how do you live with leaving your own mother to be beaten to death. I swore to myself that day that I would one day be powerful enough and rich enough to never know another day of fear. I would be the one feared. It has cost me dearly. In keeping that promise to myself, innocent people have lost their lives because of me. I lost a wife, and two children. I walked away from someone else I loved, but she died anyway. Then there is Kristina, Alexis' sister who lost her life because of who I am. Now Alexis and another child of mine are in trouble."

"I would imagine any sane man would be ready for a change of lifestyle in the face of all that."

"It's who I am."

"No, it's the life you chose. You spend every day trying to defend your actions to yourself. If I do this or say that then I won't be seen as weak and maybe those I care about will stay alive. And just maybe I can fool myself into thinking that it wasn't my fault that my mother died. When in fact, you couldn't have saved your mother no matter how hard you tried. She made a choice and she had to suffer the consequences of that choice."

"I could have taken her away from him."

"No, you couldn't. Look at it this way. Could Ned or Jax or anyone else talk Alexis into leaving you?"

"No, she wouldn't listen to them. They tried just about daily to get her to give up on me."

"And she didn't. She made a choice. It was her choice to make and she is dealing with the consequences of that choice now. She saw something in you worth fighting for and she stayed."

Sonny stood angrily and moved to lean toward Kevin menacingly.

"You trying to tell me that my mama saw something in that bastard worth hanging onto."

"Check your anger, Sonny. We are only discussing probabilities and truths. Women love for many different reasons. And I have learned over the years that women find it hard to let go of what first attracted them to a man. Fear could have kept your mother paralyzed from standing up for herself, and then again maybe she was hanging onto something she saw in him hoping that one day she would see it again. Whatever it was, it happened a long time ago and that's just where it needs to stay... in the past. It's over and done with and you have to find a way to get past it and lay it to rest."

Sonny went to stand at the window again. He wasn't seeing the scenery in front of him. He was looking at his mother's face. Aching that she was gone from him. He never lost one moment of the pain he felt at her death. Instead he fed the anger brought about by the circumstances of her death. If he could stay angry then the pain of the loss of her wouldn't consume him. He was beginning to see the price he paid because of the anger he hung onto. He chained himself to his anger in much the same way Alexis had chained herself to the events that surrounded her own mother's death.

"Just how do I do that. How do I get past it?"

"When was the last time you tried to remember your mother without anger, Sonny. Tried to see her as simply a woman who loved her son. That's what I want you to do. I want you to try and start remembering her as Michael's mother; not Sonny's mother who was beaten to death. They are two different women. The actual woman herself and the one you have built up in your mind that keeps you filled with anger, unable to see things as they really are."

Jumping slightly at the sound of his cell phone ringing, Kevin pulled his phone out and saw it was Johnny calling.

"I need to take this, Sonny. It's Johnny."

"By all means."

"Hey, Johnny. What's up?"

"We need to talk, doc. It's Alexis."

"Well, I'm with Sonny right now. Can it wait for a bit?"

"No, maybe Sonny needs to be in on this. If you don't mind I'd like to come by right now."

Kevin looked at Sonny trying to gauge if he should allow Sonny to participate. Taking a chance he left the decision up to Sonny.

"Johnny wants to come by. Something is up with Alexis or he wouldn't be calling me. You up to sitting in on it."

"Yeah. Have him come on by. We'll all deal with it together."

Turning back to his phone, Kevin told Johnny they would wait for him. Disconnecting the call, Kevin studied the phone a minute before addressing Sonny.

"It's been a pretty intense morning for you. Are you sure you're up to this? I don't have any idea what Johnny is going to be coming in here with... do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, for Johnny to come here without Alexis, it means he's either going behind her back because he's worried and she's got him backed against a wall or she's slipped away again. It's ok, Kevin. I can handle it. I'll deal with the other stuff after I leave. Sometimes this ability to shelve things comes in handy."

"Just don't shelve it too long. You need to deal with it. But, you already know that so let's just turn our attention to Alexis."

Kevin stood to open the door just as Johnny arrived. Ushering him in he closed the door behind him and sat down in his desk chair.

"What's going on, Johnny?"

Johnny looked at both men, sat down and put his head in his hands for a moment to collect his thoughts then looked back up.

"I don't know what to do. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. She's in trouble and I just don't know what to do."

Kevin and Sonny both saw Johnny's hands shaking and looked at each other with concern. Sonny silently motioned to Kevin to let him talk to Johnny and Kevin agreed.

Sonny drew close to Johnny and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Johnny, she's got your hands tied and I know that it's tearing you up that you're here against her wishes. Tell us what's going on and let's see if we can deal with it without her knowing yet that you came here. I know what that sounds like, but Alexis doesn't always know what's best for her until it's forced on her. Now, come on, tell us what's going on."

Johnny reached up and caught hold of Sonny's lapel and pulled him down to eye level. With unshed tears shining in his eyes he gently shook Sonny in part due to the desperation he felt on behalf of Alexis and partly due to his anger against Sonny for not being there for her when she needed him. With a voice that broke several times due to the raw emotion he was trying to keep control of, he told Sonny what he thought was doing the most harm to Alexis now.

"She wants to know who you are. She wants to know who the father of her child is and why he deserted her. She wants to know why you didn't love her enough to stand by her. She's hurting herself trying to remember because she's more afraid of not knowing than knowing. It's the fear of the unknown that's slowly tearing her apart and keeping her nights full of tortured sleep. I watch her tossing and turning and crying out, begging for you to come out of the shadows. Sometimes she gets so angry she wakes herself up shaking from it. We've got to do something. We've got to help her. She can't take much more of this."

Letting go of Sonny, Johnny raised his eyes to Kevin and stood slowly to stand in front of the desk where Kevin sat. Placing his hands flat upon it he leaned forward and pierced Kevin with his gaze.

"Kevin, you've got to do something. Please help me help her. I don't know how to help her anymore. And she needs help. Tell me what to do, doc."

Kevin got up and walked around his desk to stand beside Johnny. As he did he noticed that Sonny had moved away from Johnny and gone to stand by the window as he usually did when he was highly agitated or needed room to regain control of himself. The tension in the room had increased dramatically and Kevin needed to calm the two men down enough so they could discuss the problem objectively.

"It's ok, Johnny. We're going to figure out something before we leave this room. You need to calm down though. Your capability to reason things out is compromised by your emotion. So sit down and try to pull yourself together."

Watching Johnny do as he asked, Kevin walked over to Sonny.

"You need to use that ability you have to shelve your emotions again. I need the input of both you and Johnny to help me with this situation. You both know her better than I will ever know her and that's what I need right now. We will pull her out of this, but I need your help. I told you that there would come a time when I would have to call on you; well that time has come and it came faster than I wanted it to. But, it's here. I know we haven't had much time together to work things out, but I believe you are capable enough to do this. Are you ready?"

Wiping his hands up and down his face a couple of times, Sonny turned to Kevin and smiled wanly.

"I'm ready. Let's do what we have to do. She's the one who counts. Now and always."

And so it was that three men from totally different backgrounds and vastly different viewpoints came together with one cause. One woman drew these 3 men together. Each one with their own reason for wanting her well, joined by their commitment to see to her wellbeing. One who wanted his patient well, one who wanted his friend to be all that she could be, and one who simply wanted to love, honor, cherish and have her by his side for the rest of his life.

"Gentlemen, I think it's time to start introducing Alexis to the father of her child. Since this is a point that is so distressing to her, it needs to be addressed."

Sonny leaned forward full of worry for Alexis.

"Won't standing me in front of her and telling her I'm the father of her child cause her more distress since she has no clue who I am?"

"I don't mean we tell her flat out who you are. What I mean is that you begin by recreating scenes like what happened today. Show yourself around the grounds and talk to her. Just engage her in casual conversation. If she asks your name, tell her. I will be increasing the dosage of the relaxant so she won't be so prone to anxiety attacks. Johnny, I don't want her out of your sight for the next few days. If she wants to walk alone, which would be good to aid in the interaction with Sonny, follow at a safe distance behind. Take Joy for a walk if you find the need for an excuse. And don't look at me like that. The whole staff knows you have a thing for each other. It's never been a secret. Now, Sonny, just act as if you're getting to know one another. Like when you first met. If she asks about your past, tell her. Don't keep any secrets from her. The only thing I would warn against is any reference to Kristina. Since we do not know whether her dreams include her sister in any way the fact that she hasn't made reference to an unknown woman tells me that her knowledge of Kristina is still buried pretty deep. So Kristina is off limits."

"What if she asks me if I know Sonny or not. Do I tell her the truth?"

"Yes, Johnny. Always tell Alexis the truth. If she is given the truth for every question she asks it reinforces her faith in you. Answer her questions but don't offer any information."

"And if she asks me if Sonny is the man in her dreams?"

"That one's a little tricky. I honestly don't know how to handle that one. So, I'm going to leave it to your discretion. Read her body language. You have probably spent enough time with her to know how she will react before it gets too out of hand. Just do what you've been doing. Remember she trusts you, Johnny. I don't think there is too much you could tell her at this point that she wouldn't turn to you for help in dealing with."

Turning back to Sonny, Kevin eyed him with concern.

"I'm throwing you out there, Sonny. You've got your own issues you still need to deal with, not only for your sake but for hers as well. Can you handle all of this? What I mean literally is... I am going to want you here as much as possible. Will this business of yours hold until we're done here?"

Sonny nodded without hesitation.

"The business will hold. Jason can take care of it. Find me a room here somewhere. Anywhere will do. I will be here for her as long as it takes. With me being here it would be easier for you and I to continue what we started this morning as well. I'm serious about this, Kevin. You made me think. That hasn't happened since I walked away from my best friend and to be honest with you, I miss it."

"Ok then, we are all in total agreement about this little operation of ours? We have to be together on this all the way or we could hurt her. So, let me know now if you have any reservations about any of this."

Johnny looked at Sonny then Kevin.

"I'm in."

Sonny clapped Johnny on the back and also stated emphatically...

"We're all in."

"All right, let's get to work."


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Entering the suite Johnny went in search of Alexis and found her leaning against the windowsill in the living room staring out lost in thought. Moving quietly toward her so as not to alarm her he leaned against the wall facing her and waited for her to acknowledge him.

"Johnny, have you ever had your heart ripped out?"

"Yes, and what are you up to? You been pushing yourself again, Lex?"

"No, but things just keep coming. I'm not making it happen... but I don't seem to be able to control it either."

"What or who are you remembering?"

"It's not so much who as it is what or maybe the feelings that are causing so much... I don't know... pain or hurt maybe. I can't quite put my finger on it. But, it goes so much deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I can feel that I have lost something that meant the world to me. I mean... I've never felt a loss this deep before except for when my mother died. And even that loss seems to pale a bit when I focus on the enormity of what seems to be lost now."

Alexis had never had problems before expressing herself. The words were always there when she needed them. But, trying to express what she was feeling now was proving to be arduous. There seemed to be no word adequate enough to express the feelings of loss she was experiencing. The magnitude of it scared her beyond belief and she was now beginning to understand the state of mind she must have been in to want to escape so badly that it landed her at Ferncliff fighting for her sanity.

"Alexis, I know this is hard on you. And I can see you're getting pretty worked up. But, remember you are safe here. You are safe with me. No one is going to hurt you again as long as I'm around. So, I propose that we just take a quiet walk and see if we can settle some of that anxiety. I know it won't stop what's going on inside that head of yours, but maybe we can slow it down a bit so you can rest easier. What do you say, partner?"

Allowing her gaze to leave the outdoors she brought her eyes up to meet Johnny's. The moment she connected with his eyes she felt a sense of peace come over her. The turmoil she was feeling abated to a degree and she smiled.

"Why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with? You would never have hurt me. It's not in you to hurt anyone. That's just my luck I guess. And yes, I think I would like to take a walk with you. I feel the need for some fresh air."

________________

Sonny left Kevin's office intent on going back to the penthouse to pack a bag and return to the sanitarium as soon as possible. But, once outside he couldn't resist the urge to linger for a moment at the bench where Alexis usually came during her time outside. He needed to regroup. So much had taken place over the past few hours and he was simply unaccustomed to dealing with so many emotional issues at one time. Business he could handle effortlessly, but matters of the heart left him drained. Business. He needed to call Jason. With things progressing with Alexis as fast as they were, he would have to depend on Jason to run the business for a while. Maybe the best course of action, given the current state of affairs, would be for him to disappear for a while anyway. 

'...No one has ever put her first before...' 

Kevin's words stung him and the truth of them tore at him. This time and for the rest of his life... Alexis would be the driving force behind his thoughts and actions. Her needs were paramount and first priority. As he sat there he turned his thoughts to her.

"**_Don't stay up all night brooding."_**

"I don't brood."

"Yea, You brood."

Sonny pulled his cell phone from his pocket and called Jason.

"Jason, you're going to have to take over for a while. Call Benny and have him go over all the financial bases with you. If you have any questions you can reach me by my cell."

__

"What's going on, Sonny? You know I don't know the business as well as you do. What are you up to?"

"Alexis, needs me here. I know you'll need time to catch up on things, but Benny knows everything and you'll do just fine. I won't argue the point with you, Jason. This is the way it's going to be for a while. If you have a problem with it, you need to let me know now."

__

"I don't have a problem with it, but don't you think I deserve a better explanation that what you're giving me. I'm supposed to take over a multi-million dollar organization by way of a phone call with no more explanation than that? Come on, Sonny. You owe me more than that. We're not just business associates, we're friends."

Wincing at the truth in Jason's words, brought about by the obvious lack of familiarity in his own, Sonny hung his head. _'Will I ever learn how to treat my friends?_'

"You're right, Jason. You are a friend and deserve more. Alexis is starting to remember and is having trouble with the memories that are surfacing. She's remembering conversations we had, but she still doesn't remember me. She's pushing herself too hard and Kevin thinks that maybe if she and I start running into each other, maybe some of the good things we shared will come through and help her deal with the rest. So, I'm going to be moving in here for a while. And just so you know and have time to process it... from now on Alexis comes first. Before the organization... before the casinos... before everything. And buddy, that means you too. She comes first. Ok?"

__

"I understand. I'll get on the phone and start making the necessary calls. If anything major comes up, I'll call. I've got you covered on this end. See ya later."

"Thanks, Jason."

Just as Sonny put his phone back in his pocket, he saw Johnny and Alexis coming down the walk toward him. Trying not to seem to eager or excited at seeing her, he settled a look of impersonal welcome on his face just as Alexis drew to a standstill by the bench. Seeing an opportunity to engage her in conversation he stood and smiled at her.

"Good morning. I apologize for monopolizing your seat... I mean I've noticed you sitting here before a few times. It's a pretty great day, I thought I'd sit and enjoy it a while."

Alexis noticed the man sitting on the bench before he noticed her and she took the opportunity to study him as she and Johnny approached.

"It's not a problem. Please make yourself comfortable. Johnny and I were just out for a walk before lunch. In fact, we're headed back now. So please, don't let us interrupt you. Maybe we'll see you again later. I would like the opportunity to properly thank you for your assistance earlier... "

"No big deal. Please just forget it. You needed help; I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Let it go. I have to be off myself now, so enjoy your lunch. Bye now."

Alexis watched as Sonny turned to go and lifted her hand to stop him. As she lowered it to rest on his arm she felt a tingle flow up her arm. It felt so familiar... as if her hand had lain there before. Noticing the awkward silence that had fallen at her touch, she instantly removed her hand.

"Wait... I mean, I don't even know your name."

Sonny looked at Johnny for help and saw him slightly shrug his shoulders. He was on his own with this one. Neither of them knew whether or not he should reveal his name. Gazing into her eyes, he found his answer. He would not lie to her, would not mislead her in any way if he could help it. If they were meant to be, they would survive all of this together.

"Just call me Sonny."

"It's nice to meet you, Sonny. My name is Alexis, in case we do run in to each other again sometime."

"Nice seein' ya again. Bye."

Johnny watched Sonny leave and focused on Alexis. She still didn't seem to recognize Sonny, but she was still watching him walk away with a frown on her face.

"What's wrong, Alexis?"

"I don't know. He talks as if he doesn't have a care in the world, but his eyes tell a different story. He's appears to be carrying quite a load and it looks like he's trying to bury it. Poor guy. I wonder if he has any one he can talk to. I know I wouldn't have made it as far as I have if it hadn't been for you. Maybe he needs a friend like mine."

Johnny became very hopeful at her words. This could possibly work.

"Maybe he does need somebody to talk to. You know... you've got a great pair of ears there yourself. Maybe you ought to put them back to work. Helping somebody else might help you clear things up faster for yourself since you won't have time to be constantly analyzing every thought that pops into that beautiful head of yours."

Laughing fully she turned around and slapped Johnny on the arm.

"Ok wise guy. You made your point. Now, I need some lunch. Let's go."

"Yeah. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we grab Joy and we have a picnic for lunch. We can grab a few sandwiches, some drinks, a little chocolate and sit under a tree."

"Sounds fun. Let's go."

___________________

Sonny's heart jumped at her touch. It had been so long since they shared any physical contact between them. At her touch, it all came back to him once again. Everything in him wanted to take her in his arms... just to hold her, breathe deeply her scent. He remembered that scent and it filled him with want. It was all he could do to walk away without giving away what he felt for her. Patience had never been one of his stronger attributes. In fact he was downright lousy at it.

**__**

"I'm going to teach you how to wait."

Alexis had tried to explain Courtney's need for independence to him and he refused to even try to see any viewpoint other than his own. And it had cost him just as she said it would. He and Courtney barely saw each other now and when they did she let him know in no uncertain terms that she considered him just another obstacle to the kind of life she wanted. It tore at him that when he looked into her eyes all he saw was her need to get away from him as fast as possible. 'Why didn't I listen to Alexis? She was right and I refused to see it. All I wanted was my sister safe and I wanted a relationship with her, but instead of telling her what I wanted, I tried to force her to accept what I believed was best for her. And she ran, just like Alexis said she would.' Sonny honestly didn't know how to handle the situation now. But, Alexis would. If only he could talk to her about it now. Maybe he could. She didn't have to know him or Courtney in order to offer advice. Maybe this was one of those things that they could talk about and hopefully both benefit from it.

It took just over two hours for Sonny to pack a few things and get back to the sanitarium. He was away long enough for the familiar craving to see her begin to eat at him. He deposited his suitcase in the room that Kevin provided for him then ambled outside to wait for Johnny and Alexis to appear for their afternoon walk. Looking at his watch he saw that he had about an hour to wait. Choosing another bench along the walkway just a few yards from the one she enjoyed, he sat down to wait hoping he didn't seem too conspicuous in his intent.

As Sonny waited patiently outside, Alexis was inside trying to come up with a plausible excuse for wanting to take a walk alone. She adored both Joy and Johnny for taking such good care of her, but it was beginning to get on her nerves. She needed some time alone. Just to be alone.

**_"I can be alone. I do alone just fine."_**

The images she had been experiencing for the past couple of days were becoming more pronounced. She was even able to start piecing some of it together, but it still felt as if it was someone else's life she was remembering. It was very disconcerting and she was well aware of the importance of not forcing herself to remember. That fact alone was making it rather difficult to keep her mind occupied on anything other than herself. Ironically the gift, or curse whichever way you chose to view it, of having an analytical mind was detrimental to her mental health right now and she honestly didn't know how to combat that part of her temperament.

"Johnny, do you think there is any possible way I could ditch my bodyguard for a couple of hours so I can take a break from all of this mayhem?"

Johnny could see she needed some down time and he wanted to give it to her, but he didn't want her to get too far out of his sight in case something happened. He agreed with Kevin that he should stick close to her for the next few days, but reading her body language and seeing the plea in her eyes was enough for him to try a compromise.

"I think it's a great idea. But, I have a bit of a suggestion to put to you if you don't mind. Why don't you let Joy and I go just so far with you and then you can go your way and we'll go our way, but just far enough away so I can still keep an eye on you? Would that be satisfactory?"

"I think that would be fine as long as I don't feel like I'm being guarded, stalked or incessantly watched like a hawk. But, I don't think that will be a problem since Joy will be on your arm."

A few moments later the three of them headed out for their walk. Just as Alexis turned to let Johnny know which way she was headed she noticed Sonny sitting on a bench a few yards away. His head was leaned back and his eyes were closed. She could tell he was lost in thought. Laying a hand on Johnny's arm without taking her eyes off of the man a few yards away she told Johnny what her intention was.

"I think I'll take you up on your suggestion earlier and put my ears to use. You go ahead and take Joy for a nice walk and I'm going to ask my paper bag carrier if he minds a little company. Who knows, maybe it'll do the trick and take my mind off other things."

Johnny smiled widely and pulled her close for a quick hug.

"Sounds like a plan to me, counselor. I won't be far away if you need me. Just yell if you get into trouble and I'll come running."

Feeling like she had just been given a reprieve from her guardians she stepped closer and kissed them both on the cheek.

"Thank you both for understanding. See you in a bit."

Alexis left them standing there smiling after her and walked toward Sonny. Drawing to a standstill beside him she spoke very quietly and with a great deal of hesitation.

"Is this seat taken?"


	36. Chapter 36

__

Chapter 36

Sonny was so lost in thought he failed to hear the footsteps that brought Alexis to stand beside him. Hearing her shy hesitant voice jolted him from his reverie and he stumbled a bit in his response to her as he stood to welcome her.

"Uhm... no, I mean yes. Damn, please... I'd love for you to join me. The company would be nice. I'm not usually so inept, but you caught me off guard. I'm afraid I was at least several miles away in thought."

"I could tell. I'm sorry if I startled you."

"No, it's no problem. Give me a minute to pull my foot out of my mouth and maybe I can hold up my end of a decent conversation."

Alexis laughed gently at his obvious attempt to regain control of what she now considered his calm demeanor. Sitting down she waited for him to take his seat again and smiled as she caught sight of those incredible dimples that so fascinated her.

"You did look like you were contemplating the troubles of the world. I would think that on such a beautiful day you would have more pleasant things to consider."

Sonny was amazed that her ability to read him was still intact given she didn't remember him. Looking into her eyes all he saw was an impersonal concern for someone who may be in trouble and the desire to help if possible. He had always found talking to her refreshing and more often than not comforting. He missed talking with her and even though he was a stranger to her, he couldn't imagine wanting anything more than to talk to her now. He needed her input on the things he was discussing with Kevin.

"There was a time when the troubles I faced on a daily basis were easier to handle. I had a friend to talk to about them. She had this way of helping me see the whole picture. Something I'm not so good with. I tend to look at things with tunnel vision."

"So why don't you call her? Sounds like a simple phone call would solve your problem."

Alexis watched him lower his head at her suggestion and a look of total frustration fell on his face. She waited patiently for him to answer. There was more here than she first thought. The man was disturbed for some reason and she could tell he needed to talk to this friend of his.

"I can't call her. I screwed up. I lost a very good friend because I pushed her away."

"If you are her friend, then I'm quite sure she would probably understand if you would just talk to her and be honest with her."

"It's not possible right now."

"Seems to me if you were her friend then she would probably want to know what is going on with you now."

"I lost her because I was too busy needing a friend and forgot to be one. I let her down and nowI… I'm having to deal with the fallout of my actions. And some of that fallout is learning how to control my temper."

"Ah, you have a temper. I've never seen the logic in why a person feels the need to display bouts of temper when intelligence would dictate a more apropos way of stating your point. However, I am currently being told that maybe it would serve my own interests to learn a more profitable way of releasing certain particular frustrations. Tell me, how do you go about obtaining an adequate release of frustration?"

Sonny laughed with wonder at the verbal onslaught that just met his ears.

"Do you need a paper bag, Alexis?"

Tipping her head to the side a little she slid a glance his way and smiled at his laughter. It was such an engaging sound. He was quite simply a beautiful man when he allowed himself to relax. 

"Sorry, sometimes I get on a roll and I forget I have to inhale."

"That could pose a problem health-wise. What a pair.! I need to learn how to control my temper and you need to learn how to breathe properly. What say we work on it? You help me with my tantrum tendencies and I'll keep a paper bag handy for you."

"That doesn't seem quite fair somehow. You get the benefit of my wisdom and I get a paper bag. You should probably rethink your negotiation tactics."

They both laughed at the banter back and forth between them. Alexis was having fun for the first time since she had awakened and was surprised her missing memory had not bothered her once since she sat down with Sonny. Falling into a companionable silence they watched the people stroll by. Fearing that Alexis was getting ready to leave Sonny started another conversation.

"You know, I laugh at my temper sometimes, but it has cost me in ways that I have difficulty admitting to at times. I've started talking to a doc here about it, but it just doesn't feel right. If I had my friend to talk to, maybe it would be easier to deal with the causes behind it."

"I know we don't know each other, but I would be more than happy to lend you my ear if you think it might help. Everyone needs someone they can trust to talk to. And you can trust that your secrets would be safe with me. It's another option if you need one."

"Do you have someone you can talk to?"

"Yes, but I haven't known him that long. Well, that's not entirely true. It seems I've known him longer than I remember knowing him."

Sitting quietly waiting for the question to come and not hearing it, Alexis glanced sideways at Sonny.

"You're not even going to ask me what I meant by that are you?"

"If you want me to know, you'll tell me."

At his response, Alexis felt a searing pain in her left temple and she reached up quickly to rub it until it passed.

Alerted at her obvious discomfort Sonny sat straight up and lay a hand on her arm.

"Hey, you ok?"

"Yea, it happens when I see or hear something that seems familiar. I never know when it's coming, but it goes away just as quickly. Now, back to our discussion. Maybe I should tell you what I meant. It would make things easier for you to understand about why I'm here."

"You don't have to, Alexis."

"I know, but for some unfathomable reason I want to."

Sonny was beginning to feel real uneasy about the turn of the conversation. He was dangerously close to deceiving her and it was making him antsy. He wanted complete honesty between them, but not at the expense of hurting her anymore. Looking around the grounds he noticed Johnny and Joy heading back their way and breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Well, it doesn't look like that's going to happen today. Your friends are coming back much to my regret. I have enjoyed spending time with you this afternoon, Alexis. Could we perhaps do this again?"

Feeling a bit like a teenager on a date with overprotective parents, Alexis also sighed regretfully. 

"Yes, it looks like my curfew is up. Why don't we meet here tomorrow afternoon and I'll see if I can ditch 'the parents' for a while. I really would like to help if I can."

"You're on, and thanks. I'll leave you to your '_parents_' for now. See ya."

"Bye, Sonny."

Alexis watched him walk away and felt the oddest sense of being abandoned. Shrugging it off, she turned to meet Johnny and Joy just as they reached her.

"You guys have horrible timing. I was just about to get the low down on my friend there. But no matter I'll talk to him tomorrow. Did you enjoy your walk together? Never mind, Joy's face could not get any more transparent than it is right now. Good for you, guys."

Johnny noticed a new twinkle in Alexis' eyes. He was elated by it, but still a bit concerned by her time with Sonny.

"Did you enjoy your afternoon? Were your ears productive?"

Laughing at him she turned toward the building to go inside.

"Yes, I enjoyed my afternoon and yes, my ears were productive. Now, can we go find something to eat? I'm starved."

"Yea, we need to go get dinner out of the way. If you're up to it someone wants to come see you tonight."

Feeling a bit of apprehension rise, Alexis asked who it was that wanted to see her.

"I just got a call from Nicholas and he wants to come out and see you. It's your call, but he's the only one that I haven't had any trouble out of regarding you and your care. I think it would be ok, Alexis. I've told him he can't discuss anything from the past year and he has agreed. He just wants to make sure you're alright. What do you say?"

"I say, let him come. I need to see him. He's family, he's familiar and I've missed him. Find out what time he'll be here, Johnny. I have to make sure I look presentable. Joy, can you help?"

A few hours later, Alexis was pacing back and forth anxiously waiting for Nicholas to arrive. She had missed him so much and needed to make a connection with the outside world. He was the perfect connection as he was family. Hearing a knock at the door, she allowed Johnny to answer it and braced herself as Nicholas rounded the corner almost running toward her. Folding him in her arms she held on to him tightly as tears coursed down her face.

"Nicholas, how good it is to see you. I've missed you so much."

She felt him tighten his grip on her and felt a sob rise in his body, she leaned back and looked into his eyes to see tears swimming in them.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Alexis. I'm sorry I let you down. I promise you I will never do that again."

"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm fine. I just needed some rest. Don't get stuck in the guilt trap. You have your own life to lead, just as I do. I'm fine. There are things I do not remember, but you are not one of them. I love you, Nicholas. Now, stop this and let's sit down and talk. I want to know what you've been up to."

She let go of him and motioned him toward the sofa. As they sat down together she smiled at his insistence to retain hold of her hand. She understood his need to hang on to her... to keep a physical contact; she needed the contact as well. They sat for a few moments just drinking in the sight of one another, enjoying the fact that they were together again.

"Are you sure you're ok, Alexis? Is there anything you need? I'll get it, no matter what it is."

"I'm fine, Nicholas. And there is nothing I need. Well, that's not exactly true. I could use the return of the last year of my life, but that will come in time. You cannot help me with that I'm afraid. Just having you here is help enough. My, you seem to have aged ten years since the last time I saw you. What have you been up to? Is Gia taking good care of you?"

For the next couple of hours Alexis and Nicholas talked of everything under the sun except the last year of her life. When Nicholas rose to leave, he hesitated.

"Are you sure, there's nothing I can do for you?"

"Sweetheart, you just gave me what I needed. Having you here like this was the best medicine I could have asked for. Now, go home. Be safe and happy. Be sure to tell Gia 'hi' for me and you come back as often as you can. Remember, I love you."

"I love you too and I'll be back real soon. Take care of yourself and call me if you need anything. I want to help in any way I can."

"Thank you, Nicholas. Bye now."

Watching him leave, Alexis raised her arms above her head and stretched with satisfaction. Having Nicholas with her the last couple of hours brought her more happiness than she could remember having in a long time. He was just what she needed. Seeing Johnny walk in after escorting Nicholas out she smiled widely.

"Now, that's a happy face. And one I would love to see on a regular basis. I don't even have to ask how it went."

"Oh Johnny, I needed that so much. You have no idea what having Nicholas here meant for me. I needed to feel a connection to my family and he was perfect. We didn't have one uneasy moment of conversation. I'm so happy right now, I feel like shouting."

"So go ahead. Yell all you want. You deserve it."

"That wouldn't be very dignified now would it, Johnny?"

"Dignity, schmignity. If you feel like doing it, do it. If you ask me, you don't let lose enough as it is. So Miss Dignified, I dare you. Yell. Personally, I don't think you got guts enough to do it."

Alexis looked at him with a sly grin on her face. She felt too good not to take him up on his dare, so with a very uncharacteristic flare she howled at the ceiling then burst into a fit of laughter. Noticing Joy come running in from the kitchen frightened out of her wits that something was actually wrong; Alexis doubled over and laughed even harder. Within seconds the three of them were roaring with laughter.


	37. Chapter 37

****

**_  Chapter 37_**   
  
Alexis remained in her room all morning except for going to the kitchen to fill her coffee cup twice. At Johnny's question of how she was this morning, she gave him a brief _'I'm fine'_ and went back to her room. They both knew she wasn't fine at all. Her night had been unbearable.   
  
She awakened sometime around midnight screaming against the nightmares that were bombarding her. For some reason she could not fathom, her dreams turned from the events of the past year and were once again focused on her childhood, Helena and one small child who was lost to her forever.   
  
She was ripped from sleep to find Johnny's arms around her trying to calm her and she fought against him desperately before reality finally brought her fully awake. He sat with her for an hour before she finally persuaded him to go back to his room.  They both knew the night would no longer hold any rest for her, but she was unwilling to keep him from his rest.  Johnny finally relented and went back to his room, but Alexis would never know that he spent the remainder of the night sitting on the side of his bed; his eyes trained on the small monitor beside him afraid to close his eyes lest she need him again.

When she went to get her first cup of coffee that morning she noticed a large bruise on his left cheek. Not wanting to talk about the night's events she glanced sideways at him and sincerely apologized for hitting him then went back to her room before he could see the tears that her actions against him caused.   
  
As she sat gazing outside, she didn't realize that the tears were still finding their way down her cheeks. Too many memories were coming at her now. Memories that she wanted to remain buried... memories that left her feeling defeated and worthless... memories that left her alone; memories that took a lifetime to gain control over.  Hearing a knock on her door her shoulders dropped slightly. She knew she would have to deal with Johnny sometime, but she wasn't ready to face him yet. She felt guilty for having a past so horrible that it would cause him harm simply by being in the same room with her.  And to have to see the evidence of her fight against the demons of her past on his face was more than she wanted to face this morning. Resigned to the second more insistent knock on her door she went to let him in, but found Joy on the other side.   
  
"Good morning, Alexis."   
  
"Hi, Joy."   
  
Joy could see by Alexis' stance that she didn't want any company this morning, but Joy knew that not only was Alexis hurting, but Johnny was as well and they needed to talk it out. She had come in to fix breakfast for them and found Johnny sitting at the table, head in hands and sporting a bruise the size of a baseball on his cheek. When she asked who belted him. His response was simply, _'Alexis had another nightmare.'_ Looking at Alexis now, she could see the hesitancy in her and the guilt over what she had done to Johnny. But more than that, Joy could see that there was something else going on than just a memory loss.   
  
"Can I come in for a minute, Alexis? I need to talk to you about something."   
  
"Sure, come on in. I can't say I'll be of much help to you though. I don't seem to be of much good to anyone lately."   
  
"Is that really what you think, Alexis?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
It was a quiet lost voice that met Joy's ears. This morning Alexis needed to be reassured that she had a place in this world... that her life had meaning. And Joy wanted to help her see it.   
  
"My dad called yesterday. I thought you might be interested in why he called."   
  
"Your dad? Why? Does he need an attorney again?"   
  
"No, he needs a minister. When all that mess happened and he was sent to prison, my mom left him. But, it seems he has found someone to love again and wants to get married."   
  
"Well, you know I'm happy for him, but what does that have to do with me?"   
  
"Don't you see, Alexis? If you hadn't helped my dad he would still be in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Now he has his life back and he's found a woman who loves him no matter what happened in his past. You made a difference in my dad's life and I can't remember the last time I saw him this happy."   
  
"Joy, I'm glad for your dad. But, the woman who helped your dad is gone. I can't remember who she became over the last year and I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not Alexis Davis, Attorney at Law; or Alexis Davis, champion of the underdog; or capable, independent, competent Alexis Davis... Then who am I? Does that make any sense to you? Because believe me, I'm having a real problem with it."   
  
Joy put her arms around Alexis and held her for a moment before continuing.   
  
"That woman is still here. Right here in this room. You are still all of those things and a whole lot more. Being able to see that part of yourself is just clouded right now by a lot confusion, lost memories and fear of the unknown. But, don't you dare think for one minute that you are unable to make a difference in the lives of the people around you. You already have. You not only made a difference in my dad's life, but you made a difference in Johnny's life. And I don't mean before you lost your memory. You've made a difference just since you've been here with us. I can't really tell you too much, because for one, it's Johnny's story to tell; and secondly because you two did know each other in the past and I can't open that up. But, what I can tell you is that because of you, Johnny's life is more than he ever expected it to be. His life has changed for the better and he feels really free to be himself again. He told me that for the first time in his adult life, he is who he always wanted to be." 

Alexis' face was filled with shock and confusion.  
  
"How did I have anything to do with it?"   
  
"Because of you he made a decision that changed his life. Because he admired the person you are, he wanted to make something more of his life. So he came here to help you. He doesn't know what he will do once you're well enough to leave, but he figures that you'll have some ideas he can look into. He trusts you and he believes in you. And there's something else, Alexis."   
  
Joy gently led Alexis over to sit with her on the foot of the bed.   
  
"You did something wonderful for me, Alexis."   
  
"Joy, you and I have not had that much interaction. I haven't done anything for you. It's you that's been here for me day after day making sure I eat properly and stay healthy; not to mention all that you did for me while I was in 'la la' land. I owe you so much more than I could ever repay."   
  
Joy smiled and took Alexis' hands in her own.   
  
"You brought Johnny to me. You brought love into my life at a time when I was on the verge of giving up. Johnny is more than I ever could have hoped for and if it weren't for you, he would never have come here. It is I that owe you, Alexis. And I will always count you as the most influential person of my life. I have always admired your choice of career, your courage, your integrity... you are one of those rare women who make women like me proud to be a woman. And I have seen so much more of you in the last few days that just reaffirms my admiration. So you have to know that you are a gift to me as well as to Johnny."   
  
"I hit him, Joy."   
  
Joy watched the tears run freely down Alexis' cheeks as the guilt and hurt of what she had done to Johnny engulfed her once again.   
  
"No, Alexis. You did not hit Johnny. You were fighting against the nightmares and Johnny just happened to get in the way. You need to talk to him. You both need to talk to each other. Don't let this get blown out of proportion. Right now he feels that he is failing what he considers to be his goal in life... You. I don't want to pressure you or put any expectations on you, but right now you both need each other. You need him as a mediator between the past and the present and he just needs you to be his friend. According to him, he doesn't have that many."   
  
Alexis wiped the tears from her face and hugged Joy.   
  
"I think he got the best when he chose you, Joy. Thank you for coming to talk with me. I guess I needed a woman's point of view to get me on the right track this morning. Now, why don't we go find this charmer of yours and see what we can do about cheering him up. Although, I do think you could accomplish that feat all on your own."   
  
Giggling the two women linked arms and went in search of Johnny. Finding him still in the kitchen they stood on each side of him and hugged him tightly.   
  
Blushing profusely at the attention, Johnny looked at Joy then at Alexis.   
  
"What's going on? You two look like you're up to something. Whatever it is, count me out. I'm not getting into one of those girl things ya'll are always cooking up. I draw the line at home-style make-overs or silly girl talk... catch my drift. Sorry, just not gonna go there. Two's company... three's a crowd."   
  
Laughing at his quick retreat, Alexis sat down opposite from him.   
  
"I couldn't agree more. Three is definitely a crowd. Why don't you two take off for a couple of hours... just the two of you? I'll be fine here for a while. In fact, I think I'll try to find that Sonny guy and see if he feels like bending my ear a little today."   
  
Johnny looked at Alexis warily and then up at Joy who nodded.   
  
"You actually think that's a good idea after... ? I mean... you know. It was a pretty difficult night. OUCH!"   
  
Glaring at Joy, he couldn't believe she had just pinched him as hard as she did.   
  
"Come on, Johnny. Alexis will be fine. Leave the woman to find a little peace on her own for a while. Besides, if she's ok to let you out of her sight for a few hours then that means I get you all to myself." Leaning down to whisper in his ear she brought a beautiful new blush to his face. "Now come on, don't get dense on me now."   
  
Laughing Alexis rose from her chair and headed toward the kitchen door.   
  
"You two are a sight for sore eyes. Johnny, I'm really ok. You and I are ok. Now go, have a good time and I'll see you when you get back. And don't worry, I have no intention of letting this brain of mine go into an overload today. I think I've had enough for now. So go and have a good time."   
  
Looking at Joy, Alexis winked and mouthed a 'Thank you' just before leaving the room.   
  
"Just what are you up to, Joy? Are you sure that leaving her is such a good idea. You weren't here last night. You didn't see what she went through. I'm telling you, the fear I saw in her last night sent chills down my back. It was tough."   
  
"She needs some time alone, Johnny. And she needs to know that she can handle a few hours alone, by herself, without having someone watch her every move. Yes, she still needs you, but she also needs time to deal with everything and settle herself around what has to be accomplished here before she can leave. There is so much more going on with her than you could ever realize, sweetheart; things that she is not even fully conscious of yet. But, they are there. She is a single woman, with a child on the way. She's in an institution with no visible income coming in and no real clue of when she will be allowed to leave. That along with everything else that is going on with her... can you see the magnitude of what she's really facing, Johnny?" 

The immeasurable concern that was clearly evident on Joy's face and in her voice told Johnny just how monumental the task was that faced his friend.  

  
"How does she do it, Joy? How can anyone stand up under the load she is carrying? I'm not so sure I could carry it anywhere near as well as she is right now."   
  
"I know... I'm pretty sure I'd fold under it too. I really do admire her spirit and her strength. I would love to know how she does it.  Maybe she'll give me lessons or something."   
  
Putting her arms around him she gazed up at him and felt her heart skip at the anguish she saw on Johnny's face.  It was time to step in and take care of Johnny for a while.  He needed a break just as much as Alexis did.  With a twinkle in her eye she tugged at him.   
  
"What do you think? Should I ask our friend for a few lessons on how to take care of business without letting it get the best of you?"   
  
Wrapping Joy in his arms he lifted her slightly off her feet and smiled at the glint in her eye.  She was baiting him… trying to pull him out of the seriousness of their conversation.  It was fine with him.  He was ready for a little fun.  
  
"No, I love you just the way you are. Now why don't we get our butts in gear and get out of here for a while like the boss told us to. I've got a terrific idea."   
  
"Oh yeah, care to give me a hint."   
  
"Nope. But, I'll race you to the truck."   
  
"You're on."   
  
Just as Joy let go of Johnny she stomped on his foot just enough to raise a yelp and a few hops then took off yelling over her shoulder.   
  
"Last one there, has to buy lunch."   
  
"No fair. You cheated."   
  
A few moments later, Alexis stood at the window and watched Johnny and Joy race past her on their way to whatever surprise Johnny had in mind. She smiled and reached down to caress her child.   
  
"Well, it's just you and me now, my little one. How about we start getting to know one another. I could tell you a few stories about your Uncle Stephan or your Cousin Nicholas. Then there's Jax. Oh, you are going to love your Uncle Jax. I wish I could tell you about your father, but I guess that is just going to have to wait until later. In order to be able to tell you about him, I would definitely have to know who he is in the first place. Boy, that really sounds bad, doesn't it. Well never mind, in time we'll both understand and deal with it. But for now, it's just you and me. _We can do this ... and we can do it on our own_!"   
  
Pain caused her to grab the side of her head as a vision surfaced. She saw herself sitting in front of a fireplace saying those same words as she rocked back and forth. As she focused on the vision she felt a profound sense of being completely isolated come over her and fought the panic that began to rise. Quickly returning her thoughts to her child and the joy she felt at her little one's presence, the panic subsided.   
  
"Well, that was easy. It seems all I have to do to calm myself is think about you, my little girl. Why didn't you tell me it was that easy? You shouldn't keep secrets from your mother this early in the game. Seriously though, you and I do not need to practice the keeping of secrets. We must always be honest with each other no matter the situation. We can handle any problem that arises if we know the facts and are honest with each other. I want to be the kind of mother to you that I always wanted to have. I will love you no matter what. Never doubt my love for you, little one."   
  
___________________   
  
He walked toward her suite with a confidence he didn't feel. This would be the first time he called on her in this manner in months. Sonny was anxious about what he was fixing to do. He ran into Johnny and Joy on their way out and found that Alexis would be alone for the next couple of hours. Johnny thought his idea of calling on Alexis may be just what she needed this morning.   
  
"Don't upset her, Sonny. She had a very difficult night with the nightmares. But, maybe talking to you will get her mind off of it."   
  
So here he was, standing in front of her door like a schoolboy out on a first date. If he were there to meet her father before a date, he couldn't have been any more nervous if he tried. Knocking he stepped back and waited. Not getting a response, he remembered that she probably wouldn't answer the door without knowing who it was first.   
  
"ALEXIS, IT'S SONNY."   
  
Hearing the knock on her door, Alexis froze. Who could be calling on her this time of day? She thought of Ned and wondered if he had changed his mind about respecting her wishes. Hearing Sonny call out to her she relaxed into a smile and went to answer the door.   
  
As she opened the door to him, she found herself relaxing even more at the pair of dimples that were trying to peek out on a face full of uncertainty.   
  
"Sonny, how nice to see you again. Please, come in."   
  
"I wasn't sure if this was such a good idea. But, I saw Johnny outside a few minutes ago and he and his girl were leaving. So, I wondered what you were doing for lunch and decided to ask you if you would care to have lunch with me?"   
  
"Relax, Sonny. I don't have '_parents_' breathing down my neck today. It's fine that you came by. But, I have to warn you... just because my 'parents' have left me alone for awhile doesn't mean I can leave the premises. I'm still a captive in some ways."   
  
"And we can still have lunch together. They have a cafeteria around here somewhere I'm sure."   
  
"Yes, they do. But, I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. And I won't subject my child to that garbage again. If you're up to it... I do have the makings for a sandwich in the kitchen though."   
  
"You have a kitchen in there?"   
  
"Yes, and from what I can tell there is quite a lot in there. I'm just no good at putting any of it together to make anything edible. I'm not a cook of any kind."   
  
"If it's ok with you, I'd like to try and put something together."   
  
"You cook?"   
  
"Yea. Actually I'm pretty good at it. I'm pretty sure I could come up with something you and... your child would find rather appetizing."   
  
Sonny almost made a very costly mistake in bringing the child... his child into the conversation. Making a mental note to be more cautious in speaking of his child he returned his attention to Alexis who stepped back to allow him room to enter.   
  
"Well then, lead the way. I wasn't exactly too fond of the idea of a turkey on rye today."   
  
She watched as Sonny stepped by her into the room and her heart thrilled at the sight of his smile. 'This could be a very interesting afternoon', she thought.


	38. Chapter 38

  
  **_Chapter 38   
_**  
It was amazing to her that she had just finished a meal consisting of a chicken and pasta salad with crackers and a dish of fresh fruit accompanied by a tall glass of iced tea. Sitting back from the table she absently caressed her child and smiled.   
  
"That was absolutely delicious. How in the world did you do it?"   
  
Sonny, watching her every move, wondered if it were possible to love her any more than he did in that moment. She looked content for the first time in a long time. He watched transfixed as she stretched and caressed his child. Noticing that she was becoming self-conscious at his perusal of her, he returned to the conversation.   
  
"I love to cook. It's the creation process that I enjoy so much. How much of this, what will it taste like if I add that, this spice or that spice? It's kind of like a painter painting a picture. There are colors that you know will work, but every once in a while you add a totally unexpected color and you get totally different aspect of what you envisioned and it becomes a masterpiece. Also, it's a great way to work off tension."   
  
"Well, since I totally stink at the cooking issue, maybe I should try painting. At least it would cut down on the cost of homeowner's insurance."  Alexis suddenly stopped and frowned.  "Hmmm, that's odd. I feel like I've done this before."   
  
"Done what?"   
  
"I don't know. It's just a sense of 'déjà vu' or something like that. Never mind. It'll pass. Besides I'm enjoying myself and I don't want anything to intrude that might disturb us."   
  
They sat for a moment in companionable silence then Alexis invited him into the living room to chat for a while.  Sonny began to feel a bit restless so offered an alternative instead.   
  
"Wouldn't you rather take a walk? There's a breeze blowing and you can feel the change in seasons coming on.  Fall is well on its way and the trees are beginning to change color."   
  
There was such a look of anticipation on his face that she couldn't resist his suggestion.   
  
"That sounds lovely."   
  
Several minutes later they were walking along enjoying the afternoon's gift of sun, fresh air and companionship. They walked side by side quietly listening to the rustle of the leaves in the trees and watched in fascination as squirrels jumped from limb to limb enjoying their freedom.  A curious look fell across Alexis' face.  
  
"I wonder what it must feel like to do that?"   
  
Sonny followed her gaze as she watched a squirrel travel from limb to limb on one tree then sail through the air to land on the limb of another tree close by. He knew exactly what she was referring to.   
  
"I don't know. That kind of freedom is an alien concept to me. I can honestly say that I would like to know just once in my life what that kind of abandon feels like." 

Alexis nodded her head in agreement surprised that they shared something so personal in common.  
  
"I know what you mean. I am so sick of constantly being on guard. Calculating my every move, every word that comes out of my mouth. It is so stifling and I miss out on so much. I wonder how many good things I've missed in my life because I held back... afraid of what would happen or how I would be perceived. It just feels like I've wasted so much of my life."   
  
Catching her elbow, Sonny smiled encouragingly at her and drew her toward a bench underneath a tree nearby. Sitting down beside her he turned to face her.   
  
"What brought this on? What's wrong, Alexis?"   
  
"I hit Johnny last night."   
  
"Ok, wait a minute. One moment we're talking about freedom and the next you're telling me you hit Johnny. I need a little help here. What does one have to do with the other?"   
  
Alexis studied Sonny for a moment before answering. Would he understand? Should she even talk to him about all of this? Mirroring him she turned slightly to face him and gazed into his eyes. There was nothing but concern... no deceit, no ulterior motive, no curiosity other than what a genuine concern would constitute. He wanted nothing more that just to listen.   
  
"There are things that have happened to me in my past that cause a great deal of distress if I don't keep them in their rightful place. If for some reason I lose control of my ability to keep them buried, they have the power to take away my grip on reality. I woke up fighting those demons last night and Johnny has the bruise on his face to prove it. I never wanted to hurt anyone in all of this... least of all Johnny. He has been so good to me, but it's getting to be a bit too much. Every time I turn around, he's standing there. It's like he's waiting for me to fall so he can catch me. I know he doesn't mean it like that, but that's what it feels like. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. But, I'm afraid that I'll say something in one of my unguarded moments that will truly hurt him."   
  
"Alexis, where are you right now?"   
  
At her total look of confusion, he elaborated on his question.   
  
"Compared to two weeks ago, where are you now?"   
  
"Well, I can tell you where I'm not. I'm not floating around in some black hole while time passes me by. But, even in saying that, I am reminded that life is still out there passing me by."   
  
"Is it? I mean are you sure life is passing you by?"   
  
"What do you mean, Sonny?"   
  
"Take my hand, Alexis."   
  
Hesitating a single brief moment she did as he requested.   
  
"Feel that?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Life. Life is connecting... life is figuring things out... life is sitting here and being aware that you're alive. Life is working to get from one moment to the next and enjoying the fact that you have friends who care enough to help you along the way."   
  
"But, I had a life out there. It wasn't the best, but it was productive. My life held purpose. How can that compare to the existence I have now?"   
  
"You don't think you have a purpose now? You have more purpose now than you've ever had before. You have a child to bring into this world... to raise and love. But before you can do that you have a bigger purpose to fulfill."   
  
Looking down at her hand that still lay in his, she watched as a single tear dropped and landed on their two clasped hands. She absently brought her other hand up to wipe away the tear and he caught hold of it with his other.   
  
"Alexis, look at me."   
  
He waited a moment for her to look up.   
  
"You have to take care of the business at hand first. And that is yourself. You have to deal with the demons once and for all and then get rid of them. Only you can give them power over you. You can do this, Alexis."   
  
Taking one hand from his grasp she wiped away her tears then lay her hand back in his. His touch was so comforting to her. She felt safe with him here and as a niggling sense of wariness began to rise in the back of her mind, she pushed it away and re-centered her attention on the man in front of her.   
  
"How do you know so much about demons?"   
  
"I have a few of my own I'm trying to exorcise. I'm finding it's not so easy as it sounds. But, I have help and I would suggest you try to get a little help also. But, that's just a suggestion. Some demons have a way of attacking when you least expect it if they're not adequately chained."   
  
Looking up at his sweet face, Alexis felt more at ease than she had in a long time. She wanted to help him as much as he was trying to help her.   
  
"Care to talk about it... I mean I've had enough of the trials of Alexis Davis for one afternoon. I could use a diversion... so, you have an audience if you'd like. And discretion isn't just another word in the dictionary for me. That attorney/client privilege thing works great for friends as well."   
  
"I'm not so sure you need to hear my problems on top of the ones you've got."   
  
"Like I said, Sonny... I could use the diversion and you seem to need a sounding board. Look, I just unloaded a lot into your lap... the least you could do is return the favor. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I had taken unfair advantage of your willingness to listen to my ramblings. I've always hated it when I felt I was imposing on someone."   
  
"It was no imposition. It helps talking or in this case listening to you. I don't think I spend enough time listening as it is. Maybe if I had listened more, I would still have my best friend around."   
  
"What happened, Sonny?"   
  
Moving awkwardly, Sonny realized he inadvertently steered them into dangerous territory. He needed to stage a quick retreat and get the conversation headed in another direction.   
  
"Have you any idea how long you're going to be here?"   
  
"Do you do that a lot?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Deflect the conversation when it gets too uncomfortable? You must have really done a bang up job on that friend of yours."   
  
"Bout time for your 'parents' to come home isn't it?"   
  
Laughing with him she stood.   
  
"Actually, you're probably right. And you're off the hook for now. But, sooner or later... you're going to have to do some sharing of your own. If we're going to continue being each other's sounding board it has to work both ways, sport."   
  
"Sport?"   
  
"Yeah. Sport."   
  
Turning to go she looked back as Sonny called her name.   
  
"Thanks for spending time with me today. It meant a lot."   
  
"No, Sonny. Thank you. For listening to the ravings of a mad woman."   
  
She was only partly teasing and he knew it.   
  
"Anytime, sport. Anytime."   
  
Laughing again she turned and left him standing alone watching her retreating back. His smile lit his face and his heart was lighter. She was on her way back. Growing serious he lifted a silent prayer that when all was said and done... he would be forgiven and they would have a future to share together.


	39. Chapter 39

  
  **_Chapter 39_**   
  
"So what do you think?"   
  
" I think it's absolutely beautiful, but don't you think we're being a bit selfish?"   
  
"Why do you say that? I don't think we are." Johnny leaned back gingerly and put his arm around Joy.   
  
"Well it is pretty crowded down there."   
  
"Yeah, I suppose so. But, I did pay the guy quite a bit to be up here with you."   
  
"More than the usual amount?"   
  
"Yea."   
  
"Why? What are you up to, Johnny?"   
  
"Look around Joy. What do you see?"   
  
Joy looked around at the beauty around her then gazed into Johnny's eyes knowing he was her reason for waking each morning now.   
  
"The world."   
  
They were sitting at the very top of the Ferris Wheel at the local fair. Johnny paid the operator a tidy sum to let him have a ride alone with Joy and to stop it at the top until he motioned for him to return them to the bottom. Pulling Joy a little closer to his side, he leaned toward her ear and returned her whisper.   
  
"That's exactly what I want to give you, Joy. The world. I don't really know if it's possible or not. But I do know that I want to spend my life trying."   
  
Reaching into his pocket he pulled a small velvet box out and held it in front of her.   
  
"Because you are my world, I want to give you the world. Joy, will you marry me? Will you spend the rest of your life allowing me to love you and take care of you? Can we take care of each other for the rest of our lives?"   
  
As he held the bottom of the little box with a trembling hand she lifted the top. Gasping at the exquisite diamond that lay between two smaller emeralds, Joy brought her tear stained face up to meet Johnny's.   
  
"Oh, Johnny... it's... it's... Oh... Johnny... Yes, Yes. Are you sure, Johnny?"   
  
"Yes, Joy. I love you. You give me strength, you support me and you love me. I need you beside me Joy and I want to marry you. I want us to build a life together rich with all the good things we can find in this world."   
  


Joy smiled and leaned toward Johnny's ear.

  
"I only have one thing to ask right now of my future husband."   
  
"Anything, Joy. Ask me anything."   
  
"As much as I love your romantic heart, would you please get my feet back on the ground? This little bench we're sitting on is not very conducive to properly accepting your proposal."   
  
Leaning closer she whispered.   
  
"Get my feet on the ground, Johnny."   
  
___________   
  
Just as she entered the building from leaving Sonny's company, Alexis ran into Kevin.   
  
"Hi, Kevin. You look like you're on a mission of mercy or something."   
  
"No, just a man needing a cup of coffee. I was headed to the cafeteria. Care to join me?"   
  
"Sure, why not. I could definitely use a cup myself. It's about the only thing I'd go anywhere near that cafeteria for."   
  
"Rough night?"   
  
"A bit."   
  
"Want to talk about it?"   
  
Silence met his question and he glanced at her and found her face a study of concentration. Entering the cafeteria he pulled a chair out at a nearby table for her then went to get a couple of cups of coffee. Returning to the table, he sat across from her and placed a cup down in front of her.   
  
"I'm sorry, Alexis. I didn't mean to intrude."   
  
"You didn't. I just don't know how to do this or even if I want to. But, it is getting pretty rough. If it's not the nightmares of the recent past, it's the nightmares of the distant past."   
  
Pausing a moment, Alexis sat forward and looked searchingly at Kevin.   
  
"Somewhere a long time ago I heard that acknowledging you have a problem is half the battle. I don't think I agree with that given what I've been dealing with the past few days."   
  
"Alexis, I can help if you'll let me. There are ways of getting through this without so much distress on your part. One way is a simple process that I affectionately call the "capture and piece" method of recall. It's a procedure that I put together specifically for cases like yours. But, you've got to allow me to get close enough to you to help."   
  
"Capture and piece? What is it?"   
  
"Actually it's something that I think you'll go for in a big way given your talent for research, putting clues together and building cases. The object is to capture the images that are coming to mind and jotting them down on paper. Then we start piecing it together in order to effectively rebuild your past. And if it works according to plan somewhere along the way, your memory should return completely."   
  
"Sounds harmless enough. So, I just write down what I see and we put it together."   
  
"That's it. Want to give it a try?"   
  
"Kevin, I'm up for anything that will keep me from slugging Johnny again."   
  
"You slugged Johnny?" Kevin couldn't help the smile that crossed his face.   
  
"It's not funny, you should see his face. I came up out of a nightmare swinging and he happened to get in the way."   
  
"Again, I apologize. I imagine that you find that episode rather distressing as it resulted in a physical act against someone very real and special to you. Am I right?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"I happen to find it rather revealing and very promising."   
  
Alexis shot Kevin a look of total shock.   
  
"How can you say that? I decked the man who brought me back to life and you call it promising? Would you explain that please?"   
  
"You didn't lie there whimpering at the unfairness of the hand you've been dealt. You're fighting, Alexis. You're fighting to regain what you lost. That's a good thing and very promising. As long as you fight for what you want, you have a greater chance of obtaining everything you lost and more."   
  
"More? What do you mean?"   
  
"The ability to more effectively handle the traumas of life rather than burying them and letting them quietly destroy you from the inside out."   
  
"Is that what you think I did?"   
  
There was a point that Kevin needed to make with Alexis, but it was going to be tough on her. He also knew that he was about to skate real close to crossing one of those unseen boundaries that Alexis Davis was known for.  Sitting forward a little more, he looked at her with great care.   
  
"Tell me who Alexis Davis is? How do you see her?"   
  
"She's an intelligent, capable, principled attorney.  Strong.  In Control of herself; compassionate.  A woman of substance who knows where she's going and how to go about getting there."   
  
"Is that who she really is or is that who you want the world to see?"   
  
"It's who she wants the world to see and it's who I want to be." 

Kevin shifted in his seat so he could look straight at her, allowing her to be able to see that his only intent was to help rather than confront.  
  
"Problem is, it's the emotionally battered and traumatized woman underneath all that intelligence and those principles who is in trouble now. It's that woman you have to deal with... it's that woman who is floundering; weighed down by a lifetime of hurt. Now, question is, what do you want to do about it?"   
  
"Look, as long as my outward appearance is intact, I can deal with the rest." 

Time to push, Kevin thought.  
  
"Is that a fact? So, tell me counselor. Just how did you end up here if you are so able to 'deal with the rest'?"   
  
Kevin instantly saw the mask of protection fall on her face and the movement of her whole body suggested retreat. She left him cooling his heels without ever leaving the table. He leaned back away from her giving her a little more personal space and abandoned the subject.   
  
"That one was tough, I admit. But, it's out there now and that's where we'll leave it. But, let me say one more thing and I'll back off. You may not be ready to deal with it yet, but you do need to think about it. You landed here because you were finally not able to deal... that's what we need to fix. Now go on. Take off. You have definitely had your fair share for one day. But Alexis, remember something for me, please. I'm not trying to hurt you. I only want to help. I simply want your complete recovery. Please remember that when you think I'm being too hard on you."   
  
Standing with coolness radiating off of her, Alexis gave Kevin a small smile that never reached her eyes.   
  
"I'll start the 'capture' portion of your idea immediately. I want out of here, Kevin. And whether you believe it or not... I am a strong, independent and capable woman. I can handle my life. I refuse to believe that I can't." 

He couldn't let her leave on such a definitive note.  As much as he hated to push her anymore; he needed her to be off balance enough to force her to start questioning herself and how she dealt with life.  
  
"I'm quite sure you could handle your life quite admirably if you'd stop running from the truth of it long enough to face it and deal with it in the proper manner."   
  
"Ok that's enough. I get the point you're so zealously trying to make. I may not agree with it, but I get that you think it has validity. I'll be in touch once I have enough to start piecing it all together. Until then... "   
  
Raising his hand to stop her he stood...   
  
"I know... I'm on a back burner again. It's ok, Alexis. I understand. See you later."   
  
"Good-bye."   
  
Arriving back at her suite, Alexis was having trouble containing her anger towards Kevin. She knew in part that Kevin had made a few valid points, but in admitting that her anger grew. In a flash of insight, Alexis realized that she wasn't angry with Kevin, she was angry at herself for taking the easy way out. 'I did this... I did this to myself... So, how the hell do I fix it now? Damn, how could I have been so stupid?'   
  
Standing beside the end table, her eye caught the bowl of potpourri next to the lamp. In an uncharacteristic move she reached down picked up the bowl and threw it to the floor. At the sound of the bowl shattering the clearest image she had experienced yet came into focus.   
  
  **_"Break it.  
  
  "What?"   
  
  "Break it."_**   
  
The familiarity of what she had just done stunned her. She began to pace back and forth while centering on the memory.  She could see herself throwing glass objects to the floor in an attempt to relieve her anger. But someone was with her before, driving her to participate in the act. It was someone that cared about her and only wanted to help her release her anxiety by pushing her to do exactly what she had just done with the bowl. Running to the desk, she threw open the drawers searching for paper. Finding an almost depleted pad of paper and a pen, she began the process of 'capturing' her past. Finishing the task, she sat down on the sofa and reached to caress her child elated that there was finally something she could physically do to progress her departure from the exile she had placed herself in.   
  
"We're going to be ok, my little one. Your mother will take care of you and we will leave this little piece of 'paradise' soon. I promise you I will take care of you no matter what I have to do or go through. You will be safe."


	40. Chapter 40

**_  Chapter 40_**   
  
Thirty minutes later, Kevin still sat at the cafeteria table where Alexis abruptly left him. He was afraid he may have said too much and drove her completely away from him again. Staring at the cup of coffee in front of him he was unaware that Sonny had entered the room until he sat across from him.   
  
"Looks like you got a problem, Kev?"   
  
"Alexis just left. I think I went a bit too far with her."   
  
"Why? What did you say to her?"   
  
"In effect, I told her if she would stop running from the truths of her life she could probably find a way to handle them better."   
  
"Let me guess.  She got real angry and left you sitting here cooling your heels, but not before shutting down on you though, right?"   
  
"Yes. But, you knew that would happen didn't you?"   
  
"Yea. You're not close enough to her, you don't have enough time... enough care invested in her to be able to get away with a comment like that no matter how much trouble she's in." 

Kevin exhaled with a great deal of frustration before settling his angry gaze on Sonny.  
  
"You could have warned me."   
  
"No, I couldn't. I needed you to be the one to put words to the problem for her. Now, hopefully I can help her deal with it. Our connection is still there. If I'm not mistaken and I don't believe I am; she is aware of the pull between us. And I'm counting on that to make it easier for her to talk to me now."   
  
"So, you used me."   
  
Kevin was livid. It seemed that Sonny was not above using a doctor's ignorance where his patient was concerned to further his own agenda.   
  
"Yes. For her... I used you. Kevin, don't make the mistake of thinking I did anything for my own selfish reasons. I know Alexis. She is not going to be content to sit patiently by while you, Johnny or I play out our little game of 'how easy we can make it for her'. She doesn't want easy; she doesn't want therapy. She wants out of here the fastest way possible. And she knows that the only way she is going to accomplish that is getting her memory back. I am her past and I am her future. Somewhere in that complicated, confused mind of hers she knows that. I just have to help her realize it now."   
  
"You've got quite an exalted opinion of yourself where Alexis is concerned.  I hate to burst your little bubble, but let me play devil's advocate for a minute.  Just how do you think she is going to react once she gets her memory back and finds that her 'friend' Sonny was instrumental in her fall?" 

Sonny leaned back, pushing his hands into his pockets and smiled as though he possessed the secrets of the world.  
  
"We'll work it out. Alexis has a very forgiving heart once she has all the facts. Right now, she doesn't have the facts. She and I will put it all together and together we will work it all out."   
  
Standing up, Sonny looked across the table at Kevin and suddenly felt a sense of regret at having not been totally honest with him.   
  
"Kevin, you deserved better than this. I can't apologize for the outcome. But I can apologize for going behind your back and creating a tough situation for you. I hope you can understand that I only did what I thought was best for Alexis. You have to know that I will do whatever I can to give her what she needs so she can leave here as quickly as possible."   
  
Kevin stood and slid his chair under the table then looked back at Sonny. The man did know Alexis better than anyone and probably knew what it was going to take to help her pull herself back together. Understanding that though did not make him any less angry at being used to further a cause he had been unaware of.   
  
"Did you not think that I would understand what you were up to and that just maybe I could have provided a little more to the situation given the chance?"   
  
"I couldn't take a chance on you throwing a wrench into the plan. I need her angry enough to turn to me for the release she needs, and if her anger is directed toward you or Johnny; so much the better.  Like I have said before, Kevin... I love her, I want her well, and I will do what has to be done for her to be well and I don't care who I step on in the process." 

Kevin threw his hands up in exasperation.  
  
"I seriously don't get you people. You act as if the medical profession is no more than a vehicle to progress your own plans. You get into trouble and you come running to us just long enough to get past the immediate danger then you take off on your own to try to resolve the remaining issues without any guidance whatsoever. Do you think you're fit enough to handle your own issues as well as hers, Sonny?"   
  
"No, that's why I still want to continue our sessions. But, Alexis is a different story. Do I think she needs to open up a little and have a few sessions with you to deal with her problems? Absolutely. But, she has to first be willing to admit that she can't handle things on her own. And she is just not there yet. I don't know if she ever will be. She is a very private person and the events of her life have left her so scarred that she is adamantly opposed to voicing them to you or anyone else much less dwelling on them herself.  She's always known she could talk to me… she still knows it."   
  
Kevin sighed heavily as he glanced around the room. He felt like a reject; an obsolete model in the profession he had chosen. Returning his focus to Sonny, he gave up the fight.   
  
"You win. But, could I possibly ask that you at least give me the benefit of the doubt next time. You never know, I just may want her as well as you do."   
  
"Ok. Now, I have to get ready for a certain visit from a certain lady."   
  
"You expecting to see Alexis again today?"   
  
"After her encounter with you, I expect she'll come looking for me."   
  
"You sound pretty sure of yourself."   
  
"I'll let you know when I see you in the morning, that is if you still want me to show for my session."   
  
"See you in the morning, Sonny."   
  
With that Kevin walked away leaving Sonny smiling in hopeful expectation of an afternoon with Alexis.   
___________________   
  
Just as Alexis finished cleaning up her mess of broken glass, she heard Johnny and Joy returning from their time out. Seeing the look on both of their faces alerted her to a change in them.   
  
"What's up with you two? You look like you've both won the jackpot."   
  
Walking over to Alexis, Joy held out her hand to show Alexis.   
  
"I did. I won the jackpot."   
  
Seeing the ring on Joy's finger, Alexis threw her arms around Joy and hugged her tightly.   
  
"Oh how wonderful, Joy. You got the prize. I wish you and Johnny all the best."   
  
Looking up at the blush on Johnny's face she let go of Joy and asked her permission to congratulate the groom.   
  
"Now that he is officially taken, can I hug him Joy?"   
  
"I think you would offend him if you didn't."   
  
Alexis walked over to Johnny and stopped by his side. With tears in her eyes she reached up and drew him into a tender embrace.   
  
"Johnny, I'm so happy for you. Always stay true to one another. Don't let anything come between you and Joy. Keep your love for her first in your life. I am certainly going to miss you, my friend."   
  
"_Miss me_? Where are you going?"   
  
Johnny pulled her arms from around his neck and looked closely at her.   
  
"Did something happen while I was out?"   
  
"No. But, you and Joy need to start your own life together now and you don't need an albatross around your neck while you do it."   
  
Johnny took hold of her arms and peered at her intently.   
  
"Alexis, Joy and I have already discussed this and we are not leaving here unless you walk out with us. And there's nothing more to be said about it. You are family. You are a part of us... a part that I'm not willing to leave here without. Joy understands and feels the same way I do. So that discussion is closed."   
  
"But, Johnny. It's not fair to Joy or you to be stuck here with me."   
  
Knowing that Johnny needed her help in convincing Alexis, Joy spoke up as she walked closer and put her arm around Alexis.   
  
"He's right, Alexis. Neither one of us want to leave here without you. And besides, we will get a better start here than we would out there." 

Alexis stepped away from Johnny with a look of friendly tolerance on her face.  
  
"Ok, I know when someone's pulling my leg. Just how in the world do you figure you will get a better start in an insane asylum than out in the free world?"   
  
Laughing at her analogy, Joy's eyes turned to Johnny and she smiled at him lovingly.   
  
"Here there is just the two of us working toward a common goal. Us. Out there, the world would interfere. We have time on our side here. And we have you... our best friend. Don't ask us to walk away, Alexis. We can't. You mean too much to both of us. We know we have your blessing over our marriage, but we would also like your blessing over how we choose to spend our time of engagement."   
  
As Alexis listened to Joy, she felt as if someone were giving her a precious gift. And the tears came as she reached to hug them both.   
  
"I'll support you whatever you want. You two are very special to me. My blessing is yours in every way. Now, I'm going to leave you two alone and go take a walk."   
  
She no sooner closed the door behind her and taken a few steps when Johnny appeared by her side.   
  
"Something did happen while I was out, didn't it? Talk to me, partner." 

  
She shrugged her shoulders in an effort to dismiss the incident so Johnny wouldn't become any more concerned than he already was.  
  
"Just a run-in with Kevin that left me a bit on edge. That's all.  Nothing to get upset about."   
  
Lifting his hand that held a stray piece of broken glass he smiled with understanding.   
  
"He get out of line again?"   
  
Smiling at his perception she whispered. "A little."   
  
"Off to find a sounding board, maybe?   
  
Alexis looked down. As the smile left her face she shifted nervously.   
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny. It just seems easier somehow to talk to him. I don't understand it at all. But, for some reason it just seems like he understands without me even opening my mouth. I don't mean to hurt you and I know I can talk to you anytime, but it's... please don't be hurt, Johnny."   
  
"Shhh. Alexis... hey, this is me. I'm the one that wants the best for you and if talking to Sonny makes it easier for you then I'm all for it. Go on... you're a smart lady who knows what she needs. Take care of that lady. I'll be here if you need me. I told you it's always been about what's best for you. I'm not hurt, just glad you have someone you feel comfortable talking to."   
  
"You know him don't you, Johnny? You know Sonny."   
  
Johnny reached down and took both of her hands in his and met her gaze unwaveringly.   
  
"Yes, Alexis. I know Sonny."   
  
"Can he hurt me, Johnny? Does he know enough about me to hurt me?"   
  
"Alexis, I will tell you that I know Sonny well enough to know that he wants you out of here as much as you and I do. He wants your freedom from this place just as much and he will do whatever you need him to do to help you accomplish that goal."   
  
"But, you know a lot more than that, don't you? I want just one more question answered, Johnny. And I need the truth. Were Sonny and I friends at one time?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Thank you for being honest with me. I had already felt some sort of... well whatever, but I needed it confirmed. Thank you."   
  
"Still going to see him?"   
  
"Yes. He is a very... compelling man. I need someone to talk to about something and for some reason I think he will understand."   
  
"Can I just ask that you tread carefully?"   
  
Reaching up to kiss his cheek, she lay the palm of her hand against his other.   
  
"Johnny, I have even more reason now to make sure that all goes well. I have to make sure that you and Joy are successful in your first patient collaboration. Now go, be with your fiancée. I'll be back later."   
  
"See ya later, partner."   
  
Watching as he walked back toward the door she called out to him.   
  
"Johnny... I am happy for you and I want you to know that you are one of my truest friends. I love you both very much."   
  
"Thanks, Alexis. The feeling is mutual."


	41. Chapter 41

  
  **_Chapter 41_**   
  
"So, just how much do you know about me?"   
  
Alexis found Sonny sitting on her favorite bench and as she drew nearer she felt the oddest sensation that he was waiting for her. Now knowing that they were once friends made her more hesitant in her approach. As he heard her footsteps she saw him turn toward her and smile expectantly. Catching sight of the smile that lit his face, she wavered. Her desire to talk with him was in danger of being overshadowed by her fear of not knowing what she was walking into. He knew her. They had been friends. Were they still friends? Was she the friend he was talking about earlier? So many unanswered questions... The decision to stay or to go was not a hard one. She needed answers. She stayed.   
  
"Are you sure you're ready for me to answer that, Alexis?"   
  
"Whether I am or not is of no consequence. I need to know before we continue. You have me at a disadvantage and that's not something I feel comfortable with."   
  
"Well, I know you well enough to know that if I don't answer you honestly then I'm through before I ever get started. I know you well enough to know that if you don't feel in control of this situation, then you are going to leave me sitting here cooling my heels while you run for the hills."   
  
Feeling the panic rise within her, Alexis stood and took a few steps away knowing she was losing her ability to breathe evenly. She jumped slightly as she again saw a paper bag appear out of nowhere.   
  
"Breathe, Alexis."   
  
Turning to face him she took the bag from him and held onto it just in case. Bowing her head not able to look him in the eye she asked the question that held the answer she was most afraid of.   
  
"It... it was me, wasn't it?"   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"I was the friend you were talking about earlier... wasn't I?" 

His voice was low, full of regret, full of loss.  
  
"Yes."   
  
"What happened, Sonny?"   
  
Gently taking her elbow he led her back to the bench and waited for her to sit before joining her. He knew she would eventually ask the question, but today was not the day he had expected it. It was too soon.   
  
"You and I have a connection that we never expected to have. If what I suspect is true then you have already felt it or you wouldn't be here now. Before we go on, I need to know if that's true. Have you felt it?"   
  
"Yes. And I don't understand it given I have no memory of you at all. There's just this... pull."   
  
"I know. It's the same with me. But, there is something more important to me at stake here. I made mistakes with you. Mistakes that I cannot go into yet, because they have the ability to hurt you. I won't do that again. So, I'm asking you to please drop this line of questioning for now. You will have all of your questions answered in time. But there is just too much danger in what lies behind us for me to start laying it all out there for you right now."   
  
Alexis stood once again to put space between them. She did feel the pull between them, but even the mystery of it could not out weigh the fear it brought to her as well. And now he was asking her to stop questioning him. Defiantly she turned on him.   
  
"How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with you when our memories are so unevenly matched? It is becoming clear to me that you know a whole lot more about me than anyone else has ever known before. That fact alone gives you power over me. I'm not so easy to get along with someone that has that kind of power over you. And from the way you were talking about your '_friend_' earlier, which you have now identified as me, then it's pretty likely that the word 'hurt' is an understatement. How do I know that it won't happen again? What is it that you can lay on the negotiating table that would endear me to continue this... whatever this is?"   
  
"Look, none of this is going to be easy, especially for you. How about I offer suggestions of questions you would need to know the answers to in order to understand the depth of the friendship we had at one time?"   
  
"Wouldn't it make more sense for you to just give me the answers to the questions without going through the charade."   
  
"Can you trust me on this, Alexis?"   
  
As the word came from his mouth a searing white hot pain shot through the side of her head and groaning she leaned forward holding her head in her hands.   
  
   **_"You have a place in my life... I trust you."   
  
   "And that costs me."_**   
  
"Alexis? Alexis... what is it? Tell me. What is it?"   
  
Raising her head as the pain passed she tried to focus on Sonny's face but for the first time since the pains began her vision was slightly blurred. The pain more intense this time than ever before, but it brought a vision with it. She saw herself in her penthouse living room talking with someone. Talking to someone… As her sight cleared so did the face in her vision.  It was him. It was Sonny she was talking to. She moved away from him a few steps more then looked back.   
  
"We were friends. We were good friends. And... and... we talked. All the time."   
  
"Yes, we did."   
  
"So... why am I having a problem with the word trust? It's been a point of contention ever since I... came back. Can you enlighten me on that at least?"   
  
"Without getting into things better left on the shelf for now, let's just say I let you down."   
  
"You can't leave it there Sonny and expect me to just accept it. I need more. You want me to trust you, but you're not giving me anything to base it on." 

It was tearing at him that he couldn't give her everything she wanted.  She was desperate for answers… answers that only he could provide.  But as much as he wanted to help her, he also knew what she was headed for… she would once again have to face that, in the end, she wasn't able to trust him as much as she thought she could and it caused her a lot of pain.  
  
"I know, Alexis. There's just too much that can hurt you at this point. Please, let me try to do this in a way that won't hurt you anymore. I've done enough damage to you. I don't want to be the cause of any more hurt. Please don't ask me to."   
  
"Do you not understand what you're asking of me? You're asking for blind faith from me knowing that you've hurt me in the past. You're not giving me how it happened or to what degree or any of the circumstances around it. You're just asking me to step out on a limb here with no net to catch me should I fall."   
  
"I know, Alexis. I know what I'm asking. And I know what it's going to take for you to take that step. It goes against every fiber in you. You don't trust easy. You never have. And it stems from a life full of hurt, abandonment, pain and fear. Let me be your net. I won't fail you again. You have my word, Alexis. If you fall, I will be here to catch you." 

She looked at him suddenly with horror.  
  
"You know. You know about Helena, my father... the way I grew up... you know, don't you?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
Should he? Should he let her know just how much she had trusted him at one point? Knowing it was the only way to convince her he lowered his voice to an almost whisper thinking it would help the impact.   
  
"And I know about your mother. You trusted me once, Alexis. Let me prove to you that you can again."   
  
Watching her, he saw the tears begin and stood slowly. Cautiously walking toward her he took a chance. Lifting his arms hesitantly, he gently took hold of her and stepped closer. He wrapped his arms around her loosely not wanting her to become alarmed at his closeness. She immediately stiffened and started to draw back then stopped. Feeling as if he had made a mistake and intruded into her private space he started to lower his arms but froze when he felt her hands settle at his side and her head come to rest lightly on his shoulder. Afraid of causing any more distress he simply stood there quietly holding on to her while she wept. He would let her make the next move.   
  
His touch sparked a feeling within her that she couldn't define. Standing there within the circle of his arms she had at first felt an overpowering need to retreat, but something stopped her. The longer she allowed his arms to stay around her, the more she wanted to rest in the comfort they offered. In order for him to know of her mother, they must have been quite close at one time. She felt him begin to let go and an enormous sense of loss engulfed her. Needing him to hold her just a moment longer, she placed her hands at his side and leaned forward just a bit to lay her head on his shoulder. Somehow it felt right and even as she acknowledged the feeling, it brought more tears; tears of frustration that she couldn't remember their friendship.   
  
They stood together a few moments longer then Alexis pulled away. Wiping away the tears from her eyes she turned slightly away from him embarrassed by them. Feeling his touch on her arm, she glanced sideways at him, then immediately hid her face from him again.   
  
"Alexis, you've cried on my shoulder before. There's nothing to be embarrassed or afraid of here. Come sit with me. I need to talk to my friend."   
  
Alexis followed him back to the bench and sat down beside him.   
  
"This is not easy for me, Sonny."   
  
"I know. Things are totally out of control and it frightens you."   
  
Smiling just a little she glanced at him shyly.   
  
"You really do know me."   
  
"And even though you don't know it yet. You know me just as well if not more. And that's what I want to talk to you about. I want to try to rebuild for you what you knew of my past. Kind of clue you in on how I grew up so we'll be a little more evenly matched in our knowledge of each other. That's what I meant by my offering the kind of questions you would probably want to ask in first learning about someone. Hopefully in the process we can help each other out. You up for it?"   
  
Shrugging her shoulders with a slight nod of her head she mentally put her foot out on a limb that looked shaky at best and miles away from solid ground. Looking into eyes filled with care and promise she answered timidly with a hint of a smile that never reached her eyes. She was hesitant and afraid of what she didn't know. She was giving him power over her it seemed for the second time and she was terrified.   
  
"Ok, here I am... stepping out on a limb. But remember, you promised to catch me if I fall, sport."   
  
"Right. Now, I guess I should probably start where our friendship, in my opinion, began in earnest. I needed some legal advice and it led to my telling you about my childhood. My mother remarried when I was eight to a guy who liked to beat on women and children. Which is a large part of why I am now spending time with one of the docs here. It has a direct bearing on the temper issues that you and I both think I need to resolve."   
  
"You and I both? I've talked to you about your temper... wait. I have. You like to break things."   
  
It was there all of a sudden. The image was clear and real.   
  
"It was you. You were there. After Helena kidnapped me. You forced me to break a vase and it escalated from there until I could finally reach a release of what she put me through. You stayed with me."   
  
"Yes. I didn't think you were handling it too well and I wanted to help. And the only way I had ever found any kind of a release was to lash out at things... or people. I've never been any good at expressing myself, so I break things. I'm learning that it's not always the best way to deal with my problems."   
  
Worried that things were going too fast, he leaned toward her and put his arm behind her along the back of the bench.   
  
"Alexis, a lot of ground has been covered in a very short time and it concerns me. I need to know how you're doing. You've got the shade pulled down some and it's a little difficult to read how you're handling this. I need some help here."   
  
"To be honest I'm a little shaky. I've never let anyone get as close to me as you seem to have gotten. That scares the daylights out of me. I don't understand how you got into my head so deeply. Stephan, my brother, doesn't even know me as well as you seem to. It is very disconcerting and I have to admit it's causing me to question the saneness of my mind in the past even more. You can hurt me with what you know. Seriously."   
  
Leaning toward her a little more to make his point, Sonny gave her a little ammunition of her own.   
  
"Yes, I could hurt you with what I know. But, you can also hurt me, counselor."   
  
The revelation left her breathless. His attorney. Surely not. It couldn't be. Yet looking at him, she needed him to say it. Put words to it.   
  
"I was your attorney as well as your friend?"   
  
"Yes. But I need you to understand that the only reason I told you that was so that you will know we were equal in what we knew of each other. That's as far as I am willing to go at this point though and I need you to leave it there for your own safety."   
  
"I'll agree... for now. I need some time to process all of this. Can we try a lighter topic of conversation for awhile? I'm a bit on overload at the moment."   
  
"I think it's a good idea. In fact, as much as I hate to suggest it, you might need a breather from me for awhile."   
  
Looking at him and studying him... taking in the simple sight of him... his face, his eyes... she found she didn't want to leave yet. Even with what she now knew... she found she was beginning to lean on him more for the truths of her past. Her instincts were telling her that he wanted nothing more than to see that she regained control of her memory, her life and their friendship. She could clearly see how important their friendship had been to him.   
  
"Not yet, Sonny. Not yet."   
  
Sitting together under the big oak tree that she had awakened under, Alexis couldn't help but feel she was beginning a new era of her life. One, it seemed, that would again include the man who sat quietly beside her. The man she was beginning to learn again. A hint of excitement mingled with her uncertainty as she stole a glance at him. The man she knew simply as... Sonny.


	42. Chapter 42

  
  **_Chapter 42_**   
  
Looking at his monitor when he awoke the next morning Johnny saw Alexis sitting on the side of her bed starring at the board in front of her. Late the previous evening she had asked him to go to the nearest office products store for a few items. She requested note cards, pens, pencils, hi-liters, legal pads and the enormous bulletin board she now sat in front of. Getting up he dressed, then went to make a pot of coffee before ending up at her door curious as to what she was up to.   
  
"Alexis? You look like you're involved in some legal case or something."   
  
"Or something is right. Come on in, Johnny and look at this. Sit here beside me."   
  
As Johnny settled down beside her, she starred at him until she drew his gaze then smiled widely.   
  
"Johnny O'Brien, bodyguard to one Sonny Corinthos."   
  
To say that he was stunned would be a vast understatement. His jaw dropped at her revelation.   
  
"Close your mouth, Johnny. I haven't remembered a whole lot yet. In fact, look at the board. Other than just snatches here and there, that's about all I can fuse together at this point."   
  
Johnny looked at the board and began reading the numbered items.   
  
  **1.**  _I don't trust you... but I don't like to see people who are trying to change... _

_       if they're trying to change... get railroaded._   
  
   **2.** ... _I will not represent someone who murders for a living... If there is any_

_       evidence of murder or assault - you find yourself another lawyer._   
  
   **3.** _I'm crying on the shoulder of my new best friend... a mob boss._   
  
**   4.** _He's getting better, he didn't call me your mouthpiece this time. _  
  
**   5.** _Sonny, I don't even want to be your attorney. Being your neighbor doesn't_

_      seem like the next logical step._   
  
   **6.** _The FBI, DA's office, the Port Charles police department all want to put you_

_       away_   
  
"I see you've been busy. Any problems come up from all this?"   
  
"Well, that's a loaded question."   
  
Alexis stood and walked closer to the board, staring at it and concentrating on the feelings it invoked in her. Turning back to Johnny she tried to answer him in the best way she could.   
  
"So far, this is all that I remember of Sonny. He is not the sort of client I would normally associate myself with. But, in saying that, I have to tell you that there are feelings lying just under the surface that in no way support what's on that board. They are all in disarray and chaotic. I can't seem to separate them into any form of order. It's like... a volcano ready to erupt should the wrong thing land on that board. Does that make sense?"   
  
"I'm not sure I'm following you, Alexis."   
  
Returning to sit beside him, she let her gaze fall back on the board. It drew her like a magnet. The board had become a link... a portal to her past.   
  
"There's an undercurrent that puzzles me where that man is concerned. Those last two notes clearly suggest that I somehow got involved with the mob through its boss. But, I don't remember it and as for remembering Sonny... the reality of him is vague and blurred but I do know for certain that he was in my life for a while. How long and in how many capacities... well, I'm still working on that. What scares me, is that my involvement with him may have landed me here. He knows me. He knows a lot about me. We were friends. There are images of the two of us together that don't make a lot of sense, but they confirm we were friends. But, when I remember my conversation with him yesterday afternoon and try to measure it against what is on that board... it just doesn't fit. The man I sat and talked with yesterday is not the man on that board."   
  
"Remember what I told you Alexis. You are safe here. I do know Sonny and I know that he does not want to hurt you."   
  
"You say that and from what little time I have spent with him, it feels like he's trying to help. But, you have to admit from what you see on that board... I willingly put myself into a very compromising situation."   
  
As another thought stopped her she picked up a note card and wrote the thought down then attached it to the board.   
  
   **7.** _I'm sure this happens all the time. The law abiding come to you for favors._   
  
Stepping back from the board she glanced at Johnny.   
  
"It's beginning to make a little sense now. Somehow... something happened and I owed him."   
  
Johnny stood beside her and pulled her around to stand in front of him in order to get her full attention.   
  
"No. You did not owe, Sonny. Sonny owed you. That board, however you may view it right now, has gaps in it as wide as the Grand Canyon. You keep writing those note cards and putting them up there. I don't know where you got the idea, but I think it's a good one. But, just don't start jumping to conclusions before you have all the facts. Use those skills you've got for building law cases. 'Cause that's what you're doing. You're building a case. The facts will come, we just need to make sure they come in the right order so you don't get more confused."   
  
"But how do I know if what I see there is in the right order?"   
  
"Well, that's just something we're going to have to work out. But, I can tell you right now that number 4 is out of sequence. It needs to be in the number 1 spot. It happened before all the others."   
  
"I knew you first?"   
  
"Actually no. But, we all learned pretty quickly that in calling you anybody's mouthpiece we were putting our lives in danger."   
  
Seeing the twinkle in his eye made her laugh as she changed the order of the cards.   
  
"Being called a mouthpiece would definitely have gotten my dander up. Thanks Johnny. With you hanging around I may beat this thing yet. Care to join me in a cup of coffee? Suddenly I feel the need to take a break."   
  
Walking with her toward the door, he frowned slightly. There were dark circles under her eyes this morning that had not been there last night. Halting inside the door he lay his hand on her arm and turned her toward him.   
  
"Alexis, how long have you been at it? The board, I mean."   
  
"Not long."   
  
"Alexis? You wouldn't offend me by not telling me the truth, would you?"   
  
"Not on purpose. So, if you must know... most of the night. I wasn't sleeping very well, so I decided to pass the time a little more constructively."   
  
"Why didn't you wake me? I would have come talk to you for awhile until you could go back to sleep."   
  
Taking his hand in her own she led him out of the bedroom to join her on the sofa.   
  
"Johnny, we need to talk."   
  
Settling into the cushions she caught a brief glance at his face before he looked away mumbling.   
  
"I did it again, didn't I? I pushed too hard."   
  
Laying her hand against his cheek she drew his face back to her own.   
  
"Look at me, Johnny. I can't have you second-guessing yourself every time I assert a little independence. You've been a rock for me. I still need you, maybe now more than ever. But, there are times when I just need to be alone. Where I can relax and just be me without having my every move watched and analyzed. I need to have some down time away from caring eyes, where I can figure things out on my own. I'm ok, Johnny. You've helped me reach a place where the 'black hole' is not so much of a threat anymore. You say you know me, well then you should know that I am very independent. I need my own space."   
  
"I know. It's one of those things that Joy finds so interesting about you. But, she hasn't been around as long as I have. I have a good idea what all of this is doing to that independence of yours. I'm kind of surprised you haven't sat me down before now. Ok, partner. You win this one. But, only because you are going to promise me to take a nap later. Please?"   
  
"Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. What am I going to do with you? Alright I'll take a nap after lunch. NOW can I have that cup of coffee that has been calling my name ever since you walked into my room this morning?"   
  
Laughing together they stood hand in hand and headed for the kitchen.   
  
"Where's Joy this morning?"   
  
The two of them were sitting at the kitchen table companionably enjoying their coffee without much conversation. They were just enjoying the friendship between them.   
  
"There were a few errands she needed to run. I think she's got something up her sleeve. She was pretty evasive when I talked to her last night. We might want to get prepared. There's no telling what she could be up to."   
  
"Well knowing Joy, it couldn't be too bad. The girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body."   
  
"Tell me about it."   
  
Alexis watched as the smile that lit his face at the thought of Joy slowly raised a blush that settled across his cheeks. Laughing in good humor she reached across and lay her hand on his.   
  
"Just how long does it take a man of your age to lose the ability to blush so attractively? It is simply the most fascinating thing to me that you blush at the drop of a hat when it comes to women."   
  
"Aw, cut it out. I can't help it. Things just get to me. My grandmother used to tease me about it all the time."   
  
Growing serious at the mention of his grandmother, Alexis squeezed his hand and let go.   
  
"I wish I could have known your grandmother, Johnny. I think I would have loved her. It doesn't make sense but I miss her and I never knew her. I guess what I miss is never having met the woman who loved a child so much that she spent time raising him to be a kind, considerate, gentle and loving man. I would love to have been able to sit with her and just talk about raising children... raising my child."   
  
Johnny's eyes filled at the need he heard in her voice. The tears also a product of the pride he felt that his grandmother still had the ability to affect people so long after she had passed.   
  
"She was one in ten million. I laid her to rest not far from here. Maybe I shouldn't ask, but I was going to go by there today... would you like to go with me? Just you and me."   
  
At his offer, her own tears fell at the graceful and giving heart of the man that sat across from her.   
  
"Yes, Johnny. I would like to very much if you're sure you don't mind."   
  
"I don't mind. In fact, it would be an honor if you would go with me."   
  
"Johnny, you are going to make one fine husband. You and Joy are going to be so happy together."   
  
"Alexis, can I ask you something?"   
  
Alexis saw the uncertainty in his face as he thought of what he wanted to ask her. He had become very serious and there was not a hint of humor or levity of any kind remaining on his face.   
  
"What is it Johnny? What's bothering you?"   
  
"I want my marriage to Joy to be everything that she would want it to be. I know a lot about marriage in general from talking to Nana Rose so much. But now that I've asked Joy to marry me, I'm a bit shaky. I want Joy to always be happy. I don't want to let her down. I don't want her to ever regret marrying me."   
  
Alexis could see he was very agitated at the thought that he could fail Joy and her heart went out to him. He was such a loving man. Men like Johnny were rare indeed. It took a very special woman to raise a man like him and that was why she would have loved to have met his grandmother.   
  
"Johnny, you have it within you to make of this marriage what you want. It is up to you. I have no doubt at all that your marriage will be all that you desire it to be, because I see your heart. What is it that Joy will want? Joy has what she wants. She wants you. She wants the man she fell in love with. Don't lose that man. In the chaos of life, the daily demands it puts on us we tend to get caught up in it all and forget the needs of each other... the pleasures we find in one another. Don't let that happen to you. Your relationship with Joy should be your first priority. Put her first always and you will find that she will do the same. Your days will be rich and full if the two of you spend them catering to each other."   
  
"You sound like my grandmother. I always felt better after I talked to her about what bothered me. Thanks, partner."   
  
"No, Johnny. Thank you. You just gave me a gift in comparing me to your grandmother. You are such a special man."   
  
"Ok, let's not go there again. I'm taking a lesson from you and changing the subject. What do you have planned this morning?"   
  
"Well, I thought I would take a walk and see if I could spot Sonny. I have a few questions I'd like to ask him."   
  
"Fine and I'm not even going to say anything about being careful and not pushing too hard. I think you've got that down now."   
  
"You know you should work on your ability to be subtle. You're not very good at it."   
  
Laughing he stood and placed his cup in the sink before turning patting her on the head and walking out.   
  
"Yeah well. I may not be subtle, but I did make my point counselor."


	43. Chapter 43

**_  Chapter 43 _**  
  
"How is that temper of yours lately?"   
  
"Not much to get angry about these days."   
  
Having called a truce from the trouble of the previous afternoon, Kevin and Sonny met amicably to begin another session.   
  
"Well, let's see if we can help you out a bit with that."   
  
"So, you planning to set me off to see how I'll handle it?"   
  
"Well that's not really my intention, but it could make a case for killing two birds with one stone."   
  
"Ok. So shoot."   
  
"In our previous conversations, you've never once mentioned your father. I was curious as to how he fits into your life."   
  
Silence met his question. Watching Sonny closely, Kevin could see he had brought up an extremely difficult subject.   
  
"If it causes this much concern on your part, then we need to deal with it, Sonny." 

A sigh of resignation escaped Sonny.  "Mike is... " He stood abruptly and crossed to the window. How could he deal with Mike? There was so much anger and resentment where he was concerned.   
  
"Mike is what, Sonny?"   
  
"An obligation I'd rather not have."   
  
Kevin frowned.  "Your father is an obligation? I think you are going to have to explain that for me, Sonny."   
  
"He makes messes that I have to keep cleaning up."   
  
Kevin stood and moved closer to Sonny so he could watch him more closely. The man's body was rigid and his face a mask of granite.  He quietly prodded Sonny.  
  
"I need the whole story if we're going to deal with this. I'm very aware now that it is a difficult issue with you. So let's work it out. Come on back and sit down. Tell me the story."   
  
Sonny hesitantly followed Kevin back and sat on the sofa across from him. Leaning forward he dropped his head into his hands for a moment to try to pull himself together. Dealing with Mike was not going to be easy.   
  
"I had a father once a long time ago. Come to find out, he loved the game more than he loved my mother and me. He left. Ran out on us. Years later he comes back and wants a 'relationship'. I don't have it to give him. I pull him out of his mess, I listen to his lies, I start to fall for his line and he pulls the rug out from under me again. Mike doesn't care about anything but the game."   
  
Kevin sat for a moment piecing bits of information together then looked back at Sonny.   
  
"So Mike plays daddy for a while then deserts you and your mother, the stepfather moves into the picture; you get beat for eight years and your mother dies as a result of the abusive relationship. That about sum it up?"   
  
Becoming very restless, Sonny stood once again and walked to the window. Laying his hands on the windowsill, he bowed his head, released the air in his lungs and forced himself to stay calm.   
  
"He never mentions her. I can't remember the last time I heard him say her name. I think I would probably hit him if he did."   
  
It was the voice of a little lost boy remembering how much he once loved his mother and his father. Kevin waited knowing there was more to come.   
  
"He wants to be a father now... after what I went through, after what she went through. He wants what I can't give him. He walked out on us and left us to be beaten and humiliated. Come to find out I wasn't the only one he abandoned. He destroyed more lives than just my mom and me. Seems he gets off on creating families then destroying them. Did you know I have a sister? Hell, I didn't even know it until a year ago. He did the same thing with her. He left her just like he left me and my mother."   
  
"There's a lot you have a right to be bitter about, Sonny. But, is it getting you what you want? Is all of that bitterness helping you in any way?"   
  
"As long as I keep him at arms length, he can't get to me anymore. I'm not going to let him get to me. I'm not. **I'M NOT**."   
  
"Seems like he already is. Do you realize you have just crossed the line into that temper of yours? You're letting Mike dictate your responses. Ok, so the guy wasn't good father material. Are you?"   
  
"I've never raised my hand against a kid. I've never walked out on a kid. I'm not like Mike or Deke."   
  
"So you broke the cycle. Sonny, that in and of itself is phenomenal. Why let the failings of your father continue to weigh you down. You survived. Let that be enough and let the rest go."   
  
"I can't."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I just can't."   
  
"Could it be because you still love your father and wish he were what you needed him to be? And you're afraid he will let you down again if you allow him to become family again?"   
  
Silence. Hard silence was all that met Kevin's question.   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
"We through here?"   
  
"Do you need us to be?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Fine. But, don't let it fester, Sonny. If you don't deal with it, it will never be resolved and you'll spend your life under the cloud of it. Never quite knowing the freedom a clear conscious can bring."   
  
"Funny you should use that word."   
  
"What word?"   
  
"Freedom."   
  
"That word mean something to you?"   
  
"Alexis and I were discussing it... wondering what it would feel like."   
  
"You two have quite a bit in common where your pasts are concerned and how you deal with it."   
  
"I know. We don't discuss the past. It's best left in the dark where it belongs."   
  
"Doesn't always stay there though, does it? Her past is coming at her again and it's coming hard. It's probably because of her sister, but since she has no knowledge that her sister was a part of her life in the last year she has no clue why the past is resurfacing."   
  
"We don't have much time, do we?"   
  
"For what?"   
  
"Before she remembers it all."   
  
"No, I don't think so. I think it's only a matter of days. With anyone else, I would have expected the normal 4 - 5 months, but not with Alexis. She's the most stubborn woman I've come across in a long time. I'm hoping that iron will and that stubbornness of hers will protect her once it all comes flooding back. And that is what I expect to happen."   
  
"You don't think it will be gradual?"   
  
"At first, bits and pieces. That's what's happening now. But, with the procedures she is currently applying to the situation... those bits and pieces are only going to be the filler for the actual return of her memory. And I believe it will be brought about suddenly by something very familiar and very close to her heart."   
  
"We have any way of knowing how she will react?"   
  
"You would know that a lot better than I would."   
  
"I guess. Look, can we end this. I'd like to be around if Alexis decides to take a walk this morning."   
  
"Sure, no problem. And Sonny... just one thing for you to think about! It is not your responsibility to see that the problems of the world and its inhabitants are solved. You have enough to deal with on your own without borrowing the troubles of others. Consider this as well... enabling them... helping them to continue a harmful pattern is both destructive to them as well as to you. If they have a problem and ask for your help... fine, help if you want... **if** its beneficial to them and you are not harmed in the process. If they screw up and something goes wrong... it's their responsibility to clean up the mess, not yours. Leave the consequences of their actions on their doorstep. Let it go. Freedom is possible if you aren't carrying an impossible load."   
  
Kevin could tell his words had hit home. Sonny had always tried to fix things. Sonny was the type that needed to fix anything that he felt was broken. And if family was involved, he barreled right through trying to put everything right regardless of whether his help was asked for or not. Sonny was yet to realize that he didn't have to always be doing something or fixing something to prove to his family that he loved them. If the truth be told, it was probably the only way he knew how to show his family he loved them.   
  
"Thanks, Kev. See ya later."   
  
"Later, Sonny."   
  
Sonny left Kevin's office with a great deal on his mind. Did he want Mike around and had just been fighting it all his life? Was it worth all the upheaval Mike would bring into his life if he let him in? And what of Courtney? Would she have to suffer just as he did at the hands of Mike?   
  
Finding his way outside he walked aimlessly thinking of the past, of the events Mike set into place by walking out. As the bitterness once again began to rise, Sonny answered the question that was always just a thought away. 'No, It's not worth it. It's not worth having to constantly be on edge waiting for the next disaster because he can't handle his own life. It's just not worth it. He's done enough damage. I can't help Courtney; she won't let me. All I can do is be there to pick up the pieces if he does pull one of his stunts.'   
  
Looking up he found he was just reaching 'their' normal meeting place. Sitting down to hopefully wait for Alexis to show he resumed his thoughts.   
  
'I would like to have a father I could talk to... someone wise enough to know how to deal with things. But, Mike will never be that man. He spent too much time behind a 'crap' table while life passed him by. Now all he knows is the game. He wouldn't know how to be a father if his life depended on it.'   
  
Recognizing the familiar bitterness and resentment that always came when he thought of Mike, he suddenly realized what Kevin had been trying to tell him. The time that passed since he left Kevin's office was time wasted in dwelling on things he couldn't change; time that could have been spent more productively and without the stress of the negative emotion that certain things of his past always brought him. Let it go. That was Kevin's advice. Let it go. 'Ok Kev, we'll try it your way and see what happens.'   
  
Looking down at his watch he was surprised to see that it was past lunchtime. He missed his opportunity to visit with Alexis if she had indeed been out that morning. Thinking maybe he could entice her to another walk he headed back toward the building and her suite.   
  
Knocking on her door a few minutes later he found himself face to face with Joy who returned home moments before to find a note from Johnny saying he and Alexis would be out for a while.   
  
"Is that wise... I mean taking her outside the grounds?"   
  
"According to Johnny, they aren't going far and there is no danger in her coming into contact with anything or anyone that could harm her. Relax, Sonny. She's in good hands."   
  
"I know. He's been great with her. I just wish... "   
  
Taking him by the arm she pulled him into the room and closed the door behind him.   
  
"You just wish it could have been you instead of Johnny she woke up to. I know Sonny. Johnny has been giving me a little insight into the history you and Alexis share just in case I'm needed medically. So, I know more than what you think I do. And the thing I need to tell you is... you and I have something in common. We're both a little on the outside of this bond those two share. But, there's also something else we have in common. Interested?"   
  
"Definitely. I'm interested in anything that will help me get a little more involved in all of this."   
  
"Come on then. We can talk while you help me get ready for their return. I'm setting up a party in honor of Alexis and the progress she has made. Neither one of them know what I'm up to and I could use your help. I don't know exactly how long they will be gone so any help would be greatly appreciated."   
  
"I'm all yours."   
  
Leading Sonny into the living room she handed him some crepe paper and showed him where she wanted it and how she wanted it hung then began to elaborate on the conversation she started a few moments before.   
  
"You and I are the ones they will come home to at the end of the day once Alexis has everything in place and understands it all. Johnny tells me that you and she were not necessarily on speaking terms when she was brought here. But, I don't think that is as bad as you probably think it is. Look, I may be stepping out of line here, but I think you need to see something. Drop that and come here a minute. I saw this when I came in a while ago and I know enough about Dr. Collins work to know what she's up to."   
  
Joy led Sonny into Alexis' bedroom where the bulletin board was.   
  
Reading the notes Alexis had mounted on the board clued him into where she was in her memories.   
  
"Some of it is out of order, but she's on the right track. I wonder if she would mind me replacing the cards in the actual order they occurred?"   
  
"Maybe at some point, but I don't think it would be wise right now. It's probably not a good idea for her to know that you've seen this yet. I only showed it to you so you could see how adamant she is in pulling all of this together as quickly as possible and that you are the prime focus here."   
  
"Looks that way."   
  
"What I'm hoping you also see is that this board is confirming that you were a major part of her life. It will be up to you, I think, to make sure she sees the good parts as well. There were good parts, weren't there?"   
  
"Yes. In fact there were things... things that happened that I overlooked or misread that she would have probably focused on more than I would have given the circumstances we found ourselves in."   
  
"See that is what you may have to help her with in the beginning. Reminding her of those things when all of the bad stuff starts weighing her down. Your part in all of this has not been one of importance so far. But, once she remembers the last year... it's going to be up to you to help her deal with all of it. But, you need to be prepared for something."   
  
Taking hold of his arm lightly she turned his attention away from the board to her.   
  
"Sonny, you need to be prepared for her initial reaction once her memory comes back."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"She will probably go running to Johnny first. But, don't let it get to you. So far it's been Johnny who has kept her grounded. Just give her some time to catch her breath so to speak, then she'll probably come looking for you."   
  
"I don't mind telling you, Johnny's beginning to get on my nerves. What happens if she falls for him?"   
  
"Not going to happen. Johnny's spoken for and Alexis knows it and is happy for us."   
  
"So, you got him wrapped up. Glad to hear it. Johnny deserves the best."   
  
"Why thank you. Now, how about we finish up the decorations?"   
  
"Ok, then I think I'll disappear for a while... maybe go into town and check on things."   
  
"You're welcome to stay for the party, Sonny."   
  
"No, I think maybe it would be a better party for her if I'm not around making her uncomfortable. If she asks, tell her I'll see her in the morning. And Joy, thanks for the insight. It helps."


	44. Chapter 44

Tired of the story yet?  Well if it's any consolation to you, we're halfway home, (okay so that means we've got another 44 chapters to go) so don't fade on me… we're just getting to the really good stuff.  If you thought we were getting deep before… you ain't seen nothing yet.  Strap on your boots, people.  Can't give it to you any faster than what I am, because I'm re-writing as I go.  Certain things needed to be added and certain things needed to be deleted.  You know how it goes.

  
  **_Chapter 44_**   
  
Alexis was smiling contentedly. She and Johnny left Ferncliff a short time ago and were now rambling down a winding two lane country road where trees periodically hung over the road casting beautiful long shadows that looked like blankets you could crawl under. She rolled her window down to allow the breeze to blow through her hair. Leaning her head back against the seat she closed her eyes and relaxed completely. Hearing Johnny chuckle at her side she rolled her head toward him and opened one eye to see what he found so amusing. His eyes were on her. Closing her eye she rolled her head back to face forward.   
  
"What do you find so funny, Mr. Smartie?"   
  
"You. You look like the proverbial cat that ate the canary."   
  
"Why, because I'm enjoying myself for the first time in I don't know how long? You just keep driving and leave me to relax a while. This is absolutely wonderful."   
  
"I didn't mean to make fun. But, it's very rare that I get to see you so relaxed and it just makes me happy." 

She smiled wistfully.  
  
"Me too, Johnny. Me too."   
  
Johnny drove a few more miles then slowed to pull off the road onto a dirt road that was almost hidden with brush on each side of it.   
  
"Watch your arm, Alexis. Don't let the brush scratch you." 

She sat up and looked around.  There was nothing of interest anywhere around them.  
  
"Where are you taking me? The back woods of Podunk, USA?"   
  
Laughing at her comparison, he found a small area to pull off to the side and stopped. Reaching behind the seat, Johnny pulled a jacket out and handed it to her.   
  
"It's just through those trees right there. Put this on so you won't get chilled. It will also keep the brush from catching your shirt. Ready?"   
  
Eyeing him warily she took the jacket from him.   
  
"You know, if you wanted to kidnap me all you had to do was ask. This is just a bit on the mysterious side, don't you think?"   
  
"Yeah, but it will all make sense in just a few minutes. Let's go."   
  
The two friends, hand in hand, started for the wooded area across from the dirt road and trudged through a mass of new fallen leaves before coming out on the other side. Lifting her head from the path she kept her eyes trained on to keep from stumbling, Alexis gasped at the sight before her. She was so intent on watching where she was going she failed to pay attention to the sounds around her and now stood beside a clear running brook. A small bridge led from one side to the other and when she looked to see where the bridge ended she saw a slightly worn gazebo standing against a backdrop of roses. The vines of the rose bushes were winding around the supports of the gazebo enchantingly. She had never seen such a beautiful sight before. Letting her gaze take in more, she finally noticed the stone just a few feet away. As she started across the bridge, she heard Johnny's quiet reverent voice.   
  
"I bought this land a few months before she died. This is what she would have wanted. To be laid to rest in a quiet peaceful place with running water and lots of flowers around. I built the gazebo after she died. I needed to be close to her. I needed somewhere I could go and just sit and talk to her. So when I need to talk, or when I get upset or angry... I come here... to her, and I remember the different conversations we had. It always makes me feel better."   
  
Stepping off the bridge on the other side, Alexis went to stand beside the headstone. The simple beauty of a man loving his grandmother so much brought tears to her eyes as she knelt beside the stone. Laying her hand along the top of it she read the inscription. "Rose O'Brien, Loving wife, Trusted Friend and Guide. Rest now Nana Rose, All my love, Johnny."   
  
"It is the desire of my heart that my own child will one day look at me the same way you look at your grandmother, Johnny.  I wish I could talk to her. Just once. I want to know the secret."   
  
Frowning in confusion, Johnny knelt beside Alexis and lay his arm across her shoulders.   
  
"The secret to what, Alexis?"   
  
"How to raise such a respectful, loving and giving child. I want my daughter to have those qualities. I don't want her to be afraid of her own shadow. I don't want her to be constantly questioning her words or actions. I want her to be confident enough in who she is to go after what she wants."   
  
"She will be all of that and more, Alexis. Just you wait and see."   
  
"With me as her neurotic mother, I don't see it happening."   
  
"But, she also has her Uncle Johnny and Aunt Joy to help out. I remember everything my Nana Rose ever told me. You get into any trouble, you just come see Uncle Johnny and we'll work it all out."   
  
"You'd do that for me, Johnny?"   
  
"Sure I would. She's my goddaughter isn't she? I mean you haven't changed your mind have you?"   
  
"Not on your life."   
  
Standing he offered her his hand to help her up.   
  
"Come on, let's go sit down a while. Every time I come out here, I have to sit a while. It's so peaceful here and the troubles of the world seem to melt away when I'm here. Do you mind if we sit a while before going back?"   
  
"I don't mind at all. In fact I can't think of anything else I would rather do right now."   
  
They sat together for the next hour talking of simple pleasures and the dreams of little boys that faded and were replaced with the dreams of men. A gentle breeze caressed their cheeks and they found smiles in quiet words and comforting thoughts. Johnny lent his memories of open doors and open loving arms to Alexis and she welcomed without hesitation being invited in to the memories of his childhood home where the first priority was unconditional love and the second, unconditional acceptance. As she sat there listening quietly to the tales of a little boy's exploits she reached out and took Johnny's hand into her own. It was just the simple need to feel someone's touch.   
  
Looking down at her hand in his, Johnny felt such an enormous sense of protection for her that he squeezed gently and looked across at her intensely.   
  
"Alexis, I want to say something to you and I may screw it up but hang with me, ok partner?"   
  
"Ok." 

Johnny turned a bit so he could face her.  Looking down for a moment at their entwined hands he frowned slightly trying to put his words together so he could say what he wanted to without messing it up.  He finally looked up and found her trusting eyes waiting patiently.  He relaxed and let the words come.  
  
"You have become a very important part of my life. I never want to lose that. Even when you get everything back where it's supposed to be... I still want you around. I never had much family besides my Nana Rose. My mother walked out and left me when I was a kid. I wouldn't have made it without Nana Rose. I don't think I would do so good if I lost my 'partner'. I know I have Joy and she means the world to me, but everybody needs a friend they can talk to from time to time. For me, that's you. I just want you to know... you know... how I feel about all of this."   
  
Leaning toward him she rested against his shoulder and basked in the knowledge that he thought so much of her.   
  
"I don't want to lose you either, Johnny. Good friends are hard to come by and you have been the best. You put your life on hold for me. That makes you a part of me for the rest of my life. You and I are friends now and for always. If you or Joy ever need anything, all you have to do is call me. Legal or otherwise."   
  
"Ok, boss. Same goes here. Now you ready to head back. I have this craving to see Joy all of a sudden."   
  
"Well don't let me stand in your way. Let's go. On one condition though... "   
  
"Name it."   
  
"I want to come back here... often."   
  
"No problem, partner. Anytime you say."

Standing Johnny took the hand she offered and began to lead her back toward the little bridge.  Just as they reached it, Johnny stopped and looked over his shoulder at the stone that bore his grandmother's name.  He whispered.

"Bye, Nana.  See ya real soon."


	45. Chapter 45

  
  **_Chapter 45_**   
  
Sitting at the breakfast table the next morning, Alexis found she was eager to go out in hopes of running into Sonny. The previous afternoon she and Johnny, having returned from visiting the resting place of his grandmother, found  a spectacular party prepared for her compliments of Joy. A few of the staff attended as well as Kevin and the fun lasted until quite late. She maintained a courteous distance from Kevin and kept close to Joy and Johnny. She was enjoying herself too much to allow Kevin to spoil it with his infernal manipulative quips and questions. At one point she asked Joy if Sonny was invited and was informed that he was but had sent his apologies as his business called him back to town. Alexis' displeasure at not having seen him at all during the previous day caused her a bit of concern.  Why would she find it so disturbing to miss seeing him, after all they were only acquaintances at this point; acquaintances that at one time were a lot more to each other.  Whatever they were, she still missed talking to him.   
  
Finishing her coffee she rinsed the cup and set it down beside the sink and mentioned to Johnny as she left the room she was going out for a while.   
  
Stepping outside she tilted her head back and breathed deeply. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine and the beautiful colors of fall. Taking the small step down onto the walkway she headed toward her favorite spot. Arriving at her destination she looked around and felt disappointment at not seeing Sonny. Taking her normal place on the bench she waited patiently, hoping he would be able to find time away from his business for a chat.   
  
She didn't have to wait long before Sonny appeared out of nowhere surprising her enough to cause her to jump.   
  
"How's it going?"   
  
"Fine, but did you have to sneak up on me.  I nearly jumped out of my skin.  But you're forgiven since you don't appear to have startled me on purpose.  So please, join me."

She grinned at him as he took his place beside her.

"You were missed at the party yesterday. I hope everything went ok with your business."   
  
So, she had asked about him. Sonny hid the grin that threatened to peek out. She looked absolutely gorgeous this morning. He deliberately kept his arrival as quiet as he could so he could watch her unobserved as long as possible. His eyes were drawn to her every feature and to the swell of her stomach as she gently caressed the child that lay within... his daughter.   
  
"I apologize for startling you. I was busy enjoying the view."   
  
"It is a beautiful day isn't it?"   
  
Sonny looked at her with an expression that let her know he wasn't talking about the outdoors. He laughed gently as she became flustered.   
  
"Oh... uh... well.... Uhm, tell me what type of work did I do for you?"   
  
"You're not so bad at deflecting yourself, are you?"   
  
He watched as she shifted nervously and decided to let it go.   
  
"Importing contracts."   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"That's the type of work you did for me. Importing contracts."   
  
"Oh. Any court cases?"   
  
"You're fishing."   
  
"Not much good it does me. I haven't caught anything worth keeping lately."   
  
"Ok. Ok. The first case we worked on together was a custody case."   
  
Sonny didn't want to get into anything heavy with her for fear he would start something he couldn't finish.   
  
"A custody case? That doesn't make sense. I've never practiced family law. What would I have been doing on a custody case?"   
  
"A friend of mine needed the best. I was told that was you so I asked you to help him."   
  
"So I helped a friend of yours. That doesn't tell me how I started working for you."   
  
"I wanted the best representative for the work I needed done."   
  
"There's something you're not telling me. I can see it; I feel it. What are you keeping from me, Sonny?"   
  
"Why don't we take a walk... stretch our legs?"   
  
As he verbally backed away from the subject of conversation he saw her bristle. She stood and walked a few steps away from him then turned leveling an unrelenting glare at him.   
  
"I think I've earned the right to set the pace here if for no other reason than we were friends once. I don't know what happened, but you do and you've told me that you screwed up. If I were to ask what my part in it was, I doubt very seriously that you would enlighten me. So, until I get some adequate answers, I think it should be up to me to decide when I've had enough."   
  
"Calm down, Alexis. You don't need to get yourself upset over this. It will all come out in time when you can handle it."   
  
"I'm handling it just fine. What I'm not handling is this 'gotta protect the helpless woman' mentality that has dominated the way I've been treated lately."   
  
At that moment a car driving by backfired twice. Jumping slightly Sonny turned to watch the car pass and when he returned his attention to Alexis, he panicked. She had fallen to her knees holding her head in her hands as waves of pain and anguish rolled across her face. Fear took hold of him threatening his own ability to breath. He stepped closer and laid his hand on her arm.   
  
She snatched her arm away without looking up at him.   
  
"Don't."   
  
He watched as she swayed. Fearing she was about to lose consciousness, he reached for her again.   
  
"**NO. DON'T**. Oh god, it's coming. _Johnny_. I need Johnny."   
  
When he didn't move immediately, she agonizingly pulled herself to her feet and wavered a bit.   
  
"Never mind... I'll... I'll find him myself. You never did listen very well."   
  
"Alexis, let me help you."   
  
"_Help me?_ Where were you when I needed you, Sonny? Where were you when I needed you the most? Ohhhhh, damn. You want to help? You think you have it in you to help me? Fine. Then do what I asked you to do. **Find Johnny**."   
  
As he watched her struggle with the pain in her head she turned away from him. Frantically pulling his phone from his pocket he called Johnny.   
  
"You need to get out here. **NOW**. It's Alexis. She's on her way to you, but you need to get to her fast. She's remembering. **GET OUT HERE, JOHNNY. NOW**."   
  
With every step she took he watched her stumble and catch herself as she held her head tight between the palms of her hands. He wanted desperately to go to her... hold her... comfort her. But, she didn't want him. She wanted Johnny. Joy told him Alexis would probably ask for Johnny in the beginning. But, it didn't make it any easier to swallow. He followed close behind her and sighed with relief as he saw Johnny burst through the door running as if the devil himself were chasing him. As he approached Alexis, Sonny saw her reach for him and sink into his arms. His heart fell as he overheard her whispered words to him.   
  
"Johnny, get me out of here.  I don't want to see him."   
  
As Johnny turned to look at him, Sonny raised his hand in understanding and backed away. He made it as far as the bench and sank down onto it. He leaned forward and clutched the bench on both sides with a steel grip. The splinters of the wood cutting into his palms brought blood that dripped slowly to the ground. His body trembled with the force of his restrained emotions. Watching helplessly, he saw Johnny finally pick Alexis up and carry her inside. He wondered if there had ever been a moment during their time together if he made her feel what he felt now. Alone, abandoned, useless. Without a moment's consideration, he knew it to be true. Drawing on the strength of his nature to survive, he stood and began the long walk that would lead him to her door.  To wait; to wait until she was ready for him.  He wondered briefly if that moment would ever come now. 

___________________  
  
Johnny and Joy were still in the kitchen talking when the call came in from Sonny. Joy watched as Johnny answered the call and saw his face pale. Standing quickly she moved to his side to lay her hand on his shoulder. She had to step back quickly as Johnny stood abruptly sending his chair falling over.   
  
Hanging up the phone, Johnny turned to Joy and handed it to her.   
  
"Call Kevin, tell him Alexis is remembering. After I get to her I will call him if I need him, but he is not to interfere unless I call him. Stay close Joy... for me and for her. I've got to get out there."   
  
He kissed her cheek then took off running to get to Alexis as quickly as possible. As he burst through the door leading outside he saw her instantly and she looked bad. Fear struck him and spurred him on faster. Drawing close to her he slowed until he stopped beside her. Lifting a hand to draw the hair away from her face, he saw the agony there and felt his heart skip a beat. When she looked up to meet his gaze he saw her face relax a little at the sight of him.   
  
"Hey partner, looks like you need some help. Mind if take over and give you a break."   
  
He heard her whispered words regarding Sonny and looked back at the man whose face had turned white as a sheet. Johnny felt sorry for him and wanted to try to reassure him, but now wasn't the time. He'd talk to Sonny later. Wrapping his arm around Alexis he gently guided her forward and saw that she was having difficulty putting one foot in front of the other.   
  
"I hope you don't knock my block off, but I'm more interested in getting you settled than I am worrying about whether you mind how I get it done. So as my Nana Rose would say, 'Here we go and damn the torpedoes'." With that Johnny swung Alexis up into his arms and started back to the suite. Her only response was an almost mute whimper as the action caused more pain to shoot through her head.   
  
He held her carefully yet reassuringly on the way to their suite. Rounding the corner he saw Joy holding the door open for him with a concerned Kevin standing behind her. Looking down, he saw that Alexis had her eyes closed and did not see anyone. Catching Kevin's eye he shot him a look that expressly told him to stay quiet and not alert Alexis to his presence.   
  
Entering the room, he asked Joy to give him some time alone with Alexis then carried her to the living room and placed her gently on the sofa. Sitting down beside Alexis he pulled her into his arms and began to speak softly to her.   
  
"It's happening isn't it, Alexis? You're remembering and it's causing a lot of pain both mentally and physically. Just tell me what you need me to do. I'm here and I won't leave you. All you have to do is just tell me what you want me to do."   
  
He felt her sob and moved to kneel on the floor in front of her so he could look at her face. Placing his hands on either side of her waist to keep a comforting contact with her, he waited. Moments later she opened her eyes and looked up into his. The agony he saw within her eyes caused him to catch his breath as tears blurred his vision. He let go of her waist and gently pulled her into his arms. He held her as she cried out against the memories that kept coming reminiscent of waves beating relentlessly against the shore.   
  
"He never really cared about me, Johnny. We were friends... but he never really cared. I gave everything I had to him and he walked away. Why? What did he see in her that I couldn't give him? He says he screwed up our friendship, but that just isn't true. I did. It became more than friendship for me and because of that I opened myself up to being hurt all over again. I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was really there."   
  
Johnny tightened his hold on her and tried to help her understand Sonny's side of what she was remembering.   
  
"He didn't see what you were willing to give. That varmint had him so wrapped up in guilt he couldn't see what was right in front of him. There was a span of time when he was opening himself up to the possibilities of being with you, but he shut himself down when she walked back into his life. Don't be so hard on yourself or on him just yet. I need to know what you've remembered so I'll know what I can and can't say. Talk to me, buddy. Tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours."   
  
Pulling away from her enough to see her face, he stopped abruptly and held still as she clutched at him. He held his breath until he heard her quiet desolate voice answer him.   
  
"There's so much coming at me. But, it's the feelings that hurt the most. I've never felt so hurt and betrayed before and it all has to do with him. I remember most all of what happened with him, but there's still something missing. It's there... just... waiting... waiting to attack me. There's something inside of me that won't let it come.  It's almost like I've consciously shut my ability to remember off to keep them from destroying what's left of me.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what's still out there. It feels like whatever it is will send me back to that place. You can't let me go, Johnny. Don't let me go back. I don't want to remember anymore if it sends me back there."   
  
"I've got you, Alexis. I won't let you go back there. You and I together, remember. I won't let you go."   
  
Alexis put her arms around his neck and let the tears have their way. So much, there was just so much that had happened over the past year. She remembered him. Sonny. What she felt for him transcended anything she had ever felt in her life before. She held nothing back in what she felt for him. The tug-of-war that had been a part of her every waking moment besieged her again. To love him... to keep it secret... to work with him... day after day hiding what she felt. And then to...   
  
She let go of Johnny abruptly and sat back.   
  
Johnny watched her face as some sort of revelation overcame her. As a look of shock and alarm replaced the hurt, he knew it could only be one of two things. The child's father or the sister who was gone now.   
  
"What is it, Alexis? Talk to me, partner. You have to help me stay with you."   
  
"Sonny."   
  
Alexis looked Johnny dead in the eye.   
  
"It's Sonny's child. Sonny is the father of my baby."   
  
She watched him lower his head slightly at her statement and she knew without any remaining doubts. She placed her hand in Johnny's, leaned her forehead against his and let the truth of who had fathered her child sink in to her heart and soul.   
  
And she remembered... one night of abandon... of taking what she needed... what she had longed for... hoped for... dreamed of. One night of being free to love him... to hold him with arms that for months had ached to hold him close... close to her heart... for once in her life finally knowing what being complete felt like. One night. One solitary night.


	46. Chapter 46

**_  Chapter 46_**   
  
"He's out there waiting for me, isn't he?"   
  
"Probably."   
  
"I'm not ready yet. I need some time, Johnny."   
  
"Take all the time you need, Alexis."   
  
"I need time to think... to put it all together and I can't think knowing he's out there... just waiting. Can we get away from here for a while?"   
  
"Why don't we jump in the truck and head out to the country?"   
  
"To the gazebo?"   
  
"Why not? I'll put together a bit of lunch and we'll just make a day of it. Take as long as we like. I'll stay out of your way if you want me to and you just do whatever you want to get all of this settled."   
  
"Are you sure, Johnny?"   
  
"You already know the answer to that partner. You go get ready and I'll get Joy to help me put together what we'll need."   
  
Alexis watched as Johnny went to the door to get Joy. The murmuring of voices met her ears and she escaped to her room to get away from them. She didn't want to know what they were saying. There was enough to occupy her thoughts already without worrying about what the others were up to. She changed her clothes and sat down to wait for Johnny to return. As she sat there, she glanced up at the bulletin board in front of her. Standing slowly she walked over to it and systematically began taking down the cards. 'Fat lot of good this did me.' Returning to sit on the side of the bed she lifted her hand to caress her child.   
  
"Well little girl, it looks like I'll be able to tell you about your father after all. Although I'm not too sure I'm ready to talk about him. It still hurts. I wonder if it will always hurt. Will I ever be free of him? It's very rare that I run from anything, but right now I just need some time to sort everything out. But, don't you worry my little one. You're mother will handle all of this and you will not suffer for the mistakes that your mother made. I promise you that."   
  
Hearing a hesitant knock on her door, she turned to find Joy standing nervously inside the bedroom door.   
  
"It's ok, Joy. Come on in."   
  
"I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok physically. You're bound to be under a lot of stress right now. Anything I can do to help."   
  
"Lending me Johnny as much as you do is enough. You have my word Joy, that one day soon I'll stop running to him with all my hang-ups. You'll have his full attention."

Joy smiled kindly at Alexis.  She wanted to hug her friend, to provide what little comfort she could, but knew by looking at Alexis, that she wasn't ready to interact with anyone unless it was her idea.  So she gave her what comfort she could with words.   
  
"I already have his full attention, Alexis. Although he goes to you when you need him, he thinks of me first. What he does for you, he does for both of us. When you hurt, he thinks of me because he never wants me to be hurt the way you have been hurt. He wouldn't be the man I fell in love with if he didn't care for his friend the way he does. So don't you worry about taking my Johnny away for a while. You need him, I know that and it makes me proud that he's the kind of man that can be depended on."   
  
"Thank you Joy, for loving him. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more than Johnny does. It's nice to know there are women in the world who do not let unwarranted jealousy and insecurity rule their every thought and action."   
  
"Hey partner, you ready to go?"   
  
A small smile appeared on Alexis' face as Johnny appeared in the doorway behind Joy. Looking back at her, Alexis stood slowly then walked toward her and pulled her into a brief hug.   
  
"Thank you, Joy. We'll be back soon."   
  
"Take your time, Alexis. And sometime later, I might just ask you what you meant by that last statement. You've got me curious now."   
  
"And it might just help me to discuss it with another woman; especially one who is as self-assured and content as you are. See you later, Joy."   
  
"Bye."   
  
Walking to the door she waited as Johnny opened it and she met Sonny face to face. He stood in the hall talking to Kevin with a look of desperation on his face. Attempting to walk by him without speaking she felt him catch hold of her arm. Jerking away from him, she ducked her head at the look of hurt that passed across his face.   
  
"Not now, Sonny. I need some time alone to find a little perspective in all of this."   
  
"We need to talk, Alexis. I need to talk to you."   
  
Looking back at him, Alexis recognized the look of determination that fell on his face and became angry.   
  
"_Not now_. Whatever you have to say to me can wait until I'm ready. I realize that is a foreign concept to you, but that is the way it's going to be. When I'm ready, not before. If you have a problem with that, maybe you should talk to Kevin. He's quite good at hitting the nail on the head at times. Now back off. Don't make me ask Johnny to assume the role of bodyguard. He's quite good at it, oh... but then again, you already knew that, didn't you?"   
  
Stealing a quick look at Kevin, she took hold of Johnny's arm urging him forward. Turning her back on Sonny, she felt his eyes boring into her and consciously settled her uncertain steps into a calmness she didn't feel. She refused to allow him to see what his presence still had the ability to do to her.   
  
An hour later, she and Johnny were sitting quietly in the gazebo listening to the sound of water dancing over and among the twigs and pebbles that lie in the brook. Alexis looked at Johnny out of the corner of her eye, braced herself and turned slightly to look him directly in the face.   
  
"Johnny, I wasn't quite honest with you about why I wanted to come out here. I want something from you and you're not going to like it. In fact, I feel pretty sure you're going to put up quite a fight."   
  
"No. I won't do it. I don't care how much you beg or plead or get mad at me. I won't do it. I won't tell you what you haven't remembered yet. Best get that clear right now."   
  
Sighing in frustration, her shoulders slumped slightly and she returned her gaze to the brook.   
  
"How did you know?"   
  
"Because as painful as what you've already remembered has been for you, you know that it wouldn't have caused you to land at Ferncliff. And whatever you feel for Sonny now, you wouldn't run from it. You would face it head on and deal with it. So, I figure you're thinking that whatever happened to get you here had to do with something you think you did to hurt somebody else. I saw how you reacted to decking me. It threw you big time... not because of how I reacted to it... but you went a bit haywire simply because you figured you hurt somebody you cared about."   
  
"You have to agree it makes perfect sense. I did something horrible to someone and I couldn't handle the consequences."   
  
"Not true. I've already told you that you didn't do anything wrong. You took care of business in the only way you knew how. That's it. Now, this conversation is closed. We need to take care of the memories you have gotten back and deal with them. Let the rest stay where it is until its time for them to come."   
  
He watched her become more frustrated and angry with him but knew he there was no other choice but to stick to what he told her. She wasn't ready for Kristina. Not yet. But, he knew it was coming... and it was coming soon. Time was against him, so he stepped up the pace a bit.   
  
"How do you feel about Sonny right now, Alexis?"   
  
"I don't want to discuss it."   
  
"Believe me I know that. But, you have to. You have to have all of this settled in your mind before everything else comes. I believe you can handle the two situations if they come at you separately, but together they're just too much. So we really need to be smart about this and handle them one at a time. Now, I know you are going to want to hit me for my next suggestion, but I believe it to be important enough to say it anyway."   
  
He waited for her gaze to meet his.   
  
"You need to talk to Kevin about some of this. He's experienced... he does this for a living. He's a professional, like you." 

Fear caused her to compromise.  
  
"If there comes a time when I don't think I can handle it, I'll call Kevin. Is that good enough for you?"   
  
"I guess it will have to do... for now."   
  
They sat silently for a few moments until Alexis had gathered enough of her thoughts to answer his previous question.   
  
"There's anger and disappointment. There's hurt and disillusionment. He became someone I no longer recognized. He did things and made decisions reminiscent of the man he was before... "   
  
"Before you came into his life?"   
  
"I don't know... maybe."   
  
"He's always been that man, Alexis. It's just that with you, he thought more about his actions. You challenged him... He listened more to you. Don't make the mistake of believing him to be more than he really is. Yes, you saw potential in him and because of that he saw it too and it made a difference with him.  But, he is still the same man he has always been. At least he was until this happened."   
  
"What do you mean 'until this happened'?"   
  
"You should have seen the way he reacted when I told him what happened to you. I thought he was going to kill me. Max had to pull him off me. He choked me so long that I passed out."   
  
"WHY? He never cared that much about me. I was his attorney and his friend."   
  
"You were more than that Alexis, and you know it. He depended on you. You became the one person he could rest with. He trusted you completely. You gave him what no one else would. You held up a mirror in front of his face and asked him to become accountable for his actions; to look at what he was doing from a different point of view. You never asked him to change, you accepted him as he was. And because of it, he became a better man. When Carly came back and you left, it seemed like the heart went out of him. I didn't even recognize him any more."   
  
"I tried to stay. I really did. But, then the baby... and Zander... I couldn't. I just couldn't put my child in the middle of all that... "   
  
As she sat there remembering, her head began an incessant pounding. It became so intense that the sunlight peeking through the slats above them became unbearable. She closed her eyes against the light and moaning from the pain her head fell to Johnny's shoulder.   
  
"What is it, Alexis?"   
  
"Head... hurts. Hurts bad. Can't... see... sun hurts."   
  
It didn't take much for Johnny to realize that their conversation was too close to the memory of Kristina. He needed to divert it fast and the only thing he figured that could do it effectively was to refocus the conversation back onto her feelings for Sonny.   
  
"Do you still love him, Alexis?"   
  
Lifting her head from his shoulder Sonny's face appeared in her mind's eye. His sweet beautiful face. The face that she still loved and now feared because of what she knew he had the power to do to her. As she thought of him, the ache in her head disappeared and she sighed in relief.   
  
"I care about him whether I want to or not. I don't seem to have much control over it."   
  
Taking her hand in his, he spoke very quietly.   
  
"Seems to me if two people 'care' about each other they should try to work things out between them."   
  
"I cared... he didn't. He walked out on me and went back to his wife. There's nothing to work out. Things are what they are. I'll get over it."   
  
"I think I should remind you that there was a period of time that you had no clue what was going on in the world. You really don't know everything that's been going on with Sonny."   
  
"What... he finally decided for the 999th time that he wanted to divorce his wife? I've been that route with him. I don't care to travel it again."   
  
"Just don't close the door on any options that may be open to you."   
  
She studied Johnny for a moment. There was something he wasn't telling her and she seriously doubted he would say anything further. Becoming irritated with him she stood and stepped down from the gazebo into the sunlight.   
  
"You're trying to force my hand, aren't you? By keeping the rest of your little story to yourself, you figure I'll get curious enough to ask him. Johnny, I've had about enough of the games."   
  
Johnny sat there a moment dumbfounded at the change in her. Trying to find a way to reach her he remembered a story his grandmother told him and he smiled. Stepping down to stand beside her, he gazed at her and reached for her hand. He waited until she placed her hand in his.   
  
He had such kind and caring eyes. She was ashamed that she spoke so harshly to him. Of all the people she knew both now and in her past, this man had never deceived her, never lied to her, never shown one moment of irritation with her. He gave unconditionally to her welfare. Reaching toward him, she placed her hand in his and tightened her grip.   
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny."   
  
"It's ok. Come here, I want to show you something."   
  
He led her to the side of the brook and knelt down gently urging her to join him.   
  
"Look. See the way the water flows. It flows one way toward its intended destination. It moves constantly forward. It cannot return to where it came from. It can only continue forward. We can't change how the water got to this point but we can influence the way it flows from here."   
  
Reaching down he picked up a good size stick and placed it half in and half out of the waters flow.   
  
"Now, the water's course has shifted. The water still flows toward its destination, but now an outside force has changed the way it flows. That's the way our lives are. We can't change our past, but we can choose how we want our future to progress. Alexis, it's a brand new day full of possibilities. You can choose the path you want to travel from this moment on. What do you want, Alexis?"   
  
Looking up from the brook, he glanced at her to see how she was taking what he shared with her. Her face was peaceful and the tiniest of smiles graced her face as she watched the progression of the water.   
  
Alexis reached down placing her fingers in the water and watched in fascination as the water shifted to find a new route around the unexpected obstacle and continued on without hesitation... without skipping a beat. It was the natural order of things, a day-to-day occurrence. One of those miracles of creation that you take for granted. But Johnny had opened her eyes to the parallel of the nature of a running brook and her life.   
  
"It was your grandmother, wasn't it? She told you that, didn't she?"   
  
"What... you don't think I could have come up with it on my own?"   
  
"Frankly, no. You're a wise man, Johnny. But, something like that could only have come from the wisdom of one with many years of experience in living."   
  
"Yes, it was my grandmother."   
  
"Well, she made your point for you. Thank you for sharing it with me. That's quite an anecdote that I will want you to share with your goddaughter some day. But, for now... it's time to go back. It's time I prepared myself to face him... one on one. We have a few things to settle."   
  
As they stood side by side, in unison they turned to gaze at the headstone that lay a few feet away. Smiling together they joined hands and began the trip back... he to the love of his life and she to deal with the man who still held her heart.


	47. Chapter 47

  
**_Chapter 47_**   
  
"I've lost a lot in my life, Kevin. If I lose her... I don't see how I'll survive it. She means everything to me. Today, when she went to Johnny, I felt something in me break. I realized when she turned on me in the hall that she has more strength... more determination... more resolve inside than I could ever hope to have. That is what has sustained her and protected her. I have to face the fact that Alexis does not need me. She never has. It's me that needs her. I need her in my life. And I'm afraid I've lost her."   
  
"Don't you think it's a little too soon to be stating what is and what isn't regarding Alexis. She has a good solid year of memories bombarding her and that's quite a lot to be dealing with even for the strongest of people. And as strong as she is, and I have to admit I've never seen anyone stronger or more capable, it's still going to take time for her to sort it all out. I figure that's what she's doing right now wherever it is that she coerced Johnny into taking her."   
  
"Do you think she's ok? I mean from what you saw... "   
  
"Sonny, I stopped second guessing that woman the day she woke up. She's proved me wrong on so many level's it's embarrassing. The woman just doesn't quit. Her ability to process, deal with and compartmentalize the issues of her life simply astounds me. She will become a new case study for future student reference if I ever figure out how to write it without compromising her identity."   
  
Sonny chuckled wryly as he stood at the window starring at the precise spot where his life had taken on new meaning this morning. In surrendering Alexis to Johnny, he finally reached the point of total selflessness where she was concerned.   
  
"I come to you to help me deal with her and you can't even figure her out. Priceless. Simply priceless. Thanks a lot, doc."   
  
His inability to help or be allowed to help Alexis had placed Kevin firmly on the defense.   
  
"Now wait a minute, Sonny. I don't have to be able to understand _her_ to be able to help _you_. You're easy. All we have to do with you is figure out how to get your 'Mt. Rushmore' size ego down to a more manageable level. And in the process hopefully get you to realize that you are not the most powerful and influential man that you so obviously think you are."   
  
"Just because you're upset you can't figure her out, doesn't mean you get to attack me, Collins."   
  
Visibly backing down, Kevin moved to the sofa in his office and sat down heavily thinking he would certainly be glad when he got the two of them back out into the world and out of his hair. And it would be a cold day in hell if they ever found out that the two of them had sent him back to his reference books to try to find some way to help them. Damn control freaks.   
  
"Sorry, Sonny. I didn't mean it to sound like that. But, you have to admit she could try the patience of Job himself."   
  
"Yeah, just one more reason to love her, if you ask me."   
  
"Ok. Ok. I get it. But, tell me something. You have any tricks up your sleeve on how you're going to deal with her when she does come back; or are you planning on setting me up again?" 

Sonny reluctantly smiled at the reference to their previous argument then grew serious again.  
  
"It's up to her. Like she said, when she's ready then we'll talk. I just need to be ready for it. There's no telling what she's going to come at me with first. I don't know if she's remembered everything or not. She was on me about having her at a disadvantage, now she's holding all the cards and my butt's flapping in the wind. I just hope she gives me the chance to fill in the facts that she has no way of knowing."   
  
"Will they change the way she views you?"   
  
"I can only hope. Her sister meant the world to her and even though it wasn't by my hand that she died; it was still my warehouse... someone coming after me... my lifestyle."   
  
"What about the child? Do you plan on forcing the issue with her?"   
  
"It's my child... my daughter. I'll leave it alone until Alexis is strong enough to handle it, but I won't give up my child."   
  
Kevin saw Sonny visibly become agitated and pressed him further.   
  
"Mighty strong statement given who the mother of the child in question is."   
  
"It's my child too. I have a right to be in my daughter's life."   
  
"No matter the risk to her or to her mother?"   
  
"ENOUGH."   
  
"Why, just because you say so. Is that how you are going to respond to Alexis when she asks the very same question. And she will... you know she will."   
  
Kevin shook his head as Sonny moved toward the door abandoning the subject as well as the impromptu session.   
  
Just as Sonny reached the door, his cell phone rang. Stopping mid-stride he glanced back at Kevin and pulled the phone from his pocket.   
  
"Hello."   
  
"It's Johnny. We're back, but don't come down here. She asked me to call you and tell you she would meet you at the regular place in the morning at 10:00. And you need to know... Sonny she remembers everything except Kristina."   
  
"How is she?"   
  
"She's remarkable."   
  
"That I know, now answer me. How is she?"   
  
"She's ok. But, you better get ready. She's fighting back in the only way she knows how. It's going to be rough for you."   
  
"I'll handle it."   
  
"Sonny, you remember what I told you the day we went to the store. You hurt her again and I'll come after you, friend or not."   
  
"I understand, Johnny. And I don't hold it against you. Thanks for taking care of her. If you need anything, just call."   
  
Hanging up his phone, he turned back to Kevin with a solemn face.   
  
"They're back and she's ok according to Johnny. She wants to see me at 10:00 in the morning. Johnny says I need to be ready. What that tells me is she's locked away her feelings so she can deal with the answers she needs from me."   
  
"How are you going to deal with it?"   
  
"She will probably come at me in full lawyer mode. All I can do is answer her as honestly as possible. I can't offer excuses or try to charm my way out of it. I have to give her what she needs and it could very well cost me what I want the most."   
  
"Can you live with that?"   
  
Sitting down in the chair opposite Kevin, Sonny starred at the floor.   
  
"I honestly don't know. All I know right now; is that I have to give her what she wants. Regardless of what it costs me in the end. That's something new for me."   
  
"But it proves to me, that your time here has been productive. There are things that we still need to deal with, but for now I think you have enough on your plate. My suggestion to you right now is to get out of here for a while. Go find somewhere to relax, find something to do that will take your mind off all this as much as possible."   
  
"I think I'll take you up on that suggestion and go see my son. I need to see him and it'll help pass the time until tomorrow."   
  
Sonny walked to the door again and hesitated. Without turning around he addressed Kevin one last time.   
  
"Thanks, Kevin. For everything."   
  
"No problem. I'll see you later."   
  
"Yea."   
  
_________________   
  
"What made you remember, Alexis?"   
  
Alexis had joined Joy in the kitchen to watch her fix dinner.   
  
"It was the sound of a car backfiring. It sounded just like gunshots and I remembered Sonny getting shot. He saved my life by shielding me with his own body."   
  
"That must have made quite an impression on you."   
  
"It did. Coming from the family I come from, that level of sacrifice was totally alien to me. He didn't think about the consequences, he just stepped in front of me and threw me to the ground thus taking 3 bullets in the chest that should have hit me."   
  
"Is that when you started becoming aware of your feelings for him?"   
  
"I don't know. Maybe we ought to talk about something else."   
  
Alexis did not want to share what she felt for Sonny or how it came to be. It was too personal and existed on too many levels. Putting voice to it would make it more real... give more life to it and that was something she didn't want to happen.   
  
Laying down the knife she was using to cut up vegetables, Joy picked up a towel to dry her hands off then joined Alexis at the table.   
  
"I understand your hesitation about discussing this. But, you need to. You've not discussed any of what you've felt about your memories since they came back. All of that is still locked up in that head of yours. For your own peace of mind, you need to talk about it Alexis. I won't take anything that is said between us outside these walls. You have my word."   
  
"Whether or not you take what is said in this room out of this room or not is not what bothers me. My feelings are my own. My thoughts are my own. They are private. I don't share them with anybody. It is a right that I take very seriously."   
  
"You don't share them with anyone... except for maybe Sonny. So what happens to those feelings you have for Sonny that you can't or won't share with him or anyone else. What happens to them?"   
  
"Joy, I'm asking you as a friend to let this go. I have to sit down with him in the morning and face a lot of difficult issues. I don't need the added stress of what you're putting me through right now. Please, just let it go."   
  
"All right, Alexis. I'll drop it. But if you ever need to talk about this or anything else, just remember I'm here."   
  
"Thank you, Joy. I'll remember that. Now I think I'll go lay down for a few minutes."   
  
"We okay, Alexis? I didn't mean to offend you."   
  
"You didn't. And yes we are ok."   
  
Walking back to her bedroom, Alexis went to stand in front of the window. She didn't need to discuss her feelings for Sonny. She knew what they were and no amount of discussing them would alter the fact that those feelings needed to be put away and forgotten. Loving Sonny was simply not an option she could consider.   
  
As she stood there gazing out the window, she saw the object of her musings walk out toward the parking lot. She could tell by his walk that his mind was occupied with matters of concern. Her heart clutched at the unhappiness she saw in him. His face was made for smiles and laughter. He deserved to be happy after what he had endured in his life. As he reached his car he opened the door then looked back toward her room. Their eyes met and held. He raised his hand and waved briefly then got into his car and pulled away.   
  


****

_"Nobody said I was easy to get along with."   
  
"Nobody is... especially when they're hurt."   
  
"Occupational hazard."   
  
"Of every occupation."   
_  
The memory didn't bring with it the usual pain in her head. But it did bring remorse. 'Ok, we've both been hurt in the past; all the more reason to put this all behind us and move on with our lives. You go your way and I'll go mine. But, I have a feeling you're not going to let that happen, are you? Why are you here, Sonny? What is it that you want from me now? I don't have anything left to give you. Ok, so that's not exactly true. But, what would you expect of me. To simply hand over my daughter to you just because you demand it. Sorry, buster. Not going to happen.'   
  
Alexis looked down at where her child lay within the comfort of her womb and caressed her gently. She knew Sonny didn't know the child was his yet. If he did she would have known instantly why he was here.   
  
"It's not just the danger of his life and what that means for you, my little one. The blood of my father flows in your veins as well. The danger to you from my family is just as real as the danger your father surrounds himself with. I just don't want to spend my life tied to the hurt, the loss and the pain I feel because of your father. I don't want to have to constantly be on my guard around him; afraid he will see what I feel for him. I don't want to give him any more power over me. It just hurts too much."   
  
Alexis moved away from the window highly irritated at herself for the way her thoughts had progressed.   
  
"Do you hear your mother, little girl? Whether or not you know your father or not should not be about me. It should never be about me. And I can't let it be. I have to separate myself from the picture so that what's best for you is all that is left. I'm sorry my precious girl for being selfish."   
  
As she stood there absently caressing her child the image of one woman assaulted her. No matter the excuses... regardless of the reasons... there was really only one credible obstacle that kept her child from knowing her father. Carly Corinthos. The 'varmint' as Johnny would put it.   
  
"If I allow your father to know your true paternity, then the shrew he's married to also becomes a part of your life. I cannot allow that, my precious girl. She has already threatened me once where you are concerned. I love you too much to place you in any kind of situation that could hurt you."   
  
At the sound of Joy's call, Alexis put away her concerns for the next couple of hours and enjoyed spending the evening with her friends. Tomorrow would come soon enough. Tonight she needed to simply relax and find a moment of peace, even if it was tenuous at best.


	48. Chapter 48

  
**_Chapter 48_**   
  
"What are you doing here, Sonny?"   
  
"Alexis, you asked me to meet you here at 10:00 this morning."   
  
"Don't be obtuse, Sonny. You know what I mean. Why is it that every time I turn around these days I run into you? In case you've forgotten, which I know you probably haven't; that would of course have been my excuse since I've recently found myself ensconced in a mental institute, but in any case even though I've just been reintroduced to the past year of my life I do seem to recall that we haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately."   
  
"Breathe, Alexis."   
  
Sighing in exasperation she inhaled deeply. Alexis awakened that morning in a state of anxiousness. Her dreams had been filled with Sonny. Memories of moments they shared together. Of dancing... of laughter and forgotten dreams... of valentines... of gardenias and coffee... of softly spoken words heavy with hidden meaning... Of eyes that reached into her soul and into the recesses of her heart searching for truths that had lain dormant for a lifetime.   
  
But for every precious dream a nightmare quickly followed. Nightmares of how Sonny dealt with the problems of his life, of a temper unable to be controlled and the ever present nightmare of Carly hanging over her. She awakened in a cold sweat more than once as Carly's abusive words, threats and manipulations chased her from sleep with anger pouring off her.   
  
As she stepped outside the building a few hours later to meet Sonny, the sun was hidden behind a mass of gray clouds and the air smelled of rain. Clouds heavy with moisture threatened to unload their burden at a moment's notice. Pulling her lightweight jacket tighter to ward off the slight chill in the air, she began the walk that would carry her to him. He was out there waiting for her. Her step slowed as she reached up to lay a hand upon her child. And one question alone stilled her heart. 'What does he want from me this time? I promise you, my little one, I will keep you safe.'   
  
"We're friends, Alexis. At least we were. I've always tried to be available when you needed me. But, the last time you needed me I wasn't there... but I am now."   
  
Stealing a glance at him sitting beside her she relived the moment he walked back across the hall to his undead wife leaving her to stand there alone facing a room full of an emptiness only his presence could fill. She had wanted desperately for him to take her in his arms and tell her again that everything would be ok. She needed to hear those words again... needed to know that what they shared together had meant as much to him as it did to her. She remembered wanting to reach out and touch him, to run her fingers along the slant of his cheek... wanting to see his smile... hear his laughter again as she had the morning after their night together. But rather than take from him what he felt he needed, she had stood there quietly shouldering a loss so devastating that her love of the spoken word failed her. She stood there alone... silent... waiting for the sound of the door closing behind him to tell her he was gone.   
  
She put her life back together as best she could and shelved her feelings for him quite effectively until the realization came that she was carrying his child. The question of whether to enlighten him or not had been decided the moment she heard his conversation in the hall with Jason. A conversation that finally forced her to take off the rose colored glasses she had been wearing where he was concerned.   
  
"You chose the life you wanted, Sonny. I am not your responsibility and frankly that suits me just fine. I wouldn't want to take a chance that you would turn on me in the same manner you turned on Zander. It's common for me to have to watch my back when it comes to my family. It wouldn't be my first choice to have to add you to that list."   
  
"Ok, Alexis. I get that you're upset with me. But, this is not helping either one of us."   
  
"I'm not here to help you, Sonny. I'm just trying to get my life back. A life I might add free from the dangers of yours."   
  
"You accused me of turning on Zander; isn't that what you're doing to me right now? You do not have all the facts. What happened to not judging a person until you have all the facts? You used to be pretty good at it. You're not kidding me here, Alexis. You're attacking me just so you can keep your real feelings under lock and key."   
  
"What in the hell are you talking about, Sonny? What feelings? We were friends... you changed... we're not anymore. Those are the facts. Feelings have nothing to do with it."   
  
"NO. You only have part of the facts. You seem to be conveniently forgetting that we shared a hell of a lot more than that. Is this really how you want this conversation to go, Alexis?"   
  
"I want to know why you changed. I want to know why you abandoned the man I knew you to be or is it just that you became tired of the day to day deception and finally gave in to the real Sonny Corinthos."   
  
Her words weren't rational. She knew she was pulling words out of thin air. She knew it, but she was fighting for her child, for herself. She needed to protect them both from Sonny.   
  
"You want to know what happened?" You really want to know, Alexis? Ok, I'll tell you. You... you happened. You turned your back on me. Walked out. Moved out. Whatever you want to call it!"   
  
"Oh no you don't. You are not going to lay this at my feet. You are a grown man capable of making grown up decisions. You started letting the demons run your life again. One of these days you're going to have to face them Sonny and get rid of them."   
  
"Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."   
  
Sighing heavily, Sonny watched helplessly as Alexis shut down on him. He went too far. As he saw her shift on the bench to put a little more distance between them he got up and took a couple of steps away to help her in her attempt to physically escape his closeness. But, he had to keep her listening to him... needed her to hear what he had to tell her.   
  
"Are you trying to see just how much you can throw at me before I'll get enough of it and leave? If that's what you're aiming at, Alexis, it's not going to happen. I'm through running and I'm through trying to survive my days without my friend. I know now how you really feel about me and I'm through dancing around it."   
  
Alexis grew very still watching him with a false veneer of coldness. Fear of what he could say regarding her feelings for him mounted steadily threatening the tenuous grasp she had on her composure. This conversation was not going as she planned it. As usual, being with him, being close to him, having her love for him so close to the surface took away her ability to remain focused. All she could do to keep him at arms length was to play the game they learned so well. She deflected, danced and dodged.   
  
"I don't even know exactly how I feel about you anymore, how could you possibly have a clue?"   
  
"Because when I found out you were here, I went a little nuts."   
  
"A little nuts? Johnny tells me you attacked him. Has it all come down to that with you now? You don't like something so you either put out an order against someone or you go after them yourself... regardless of what they mean or have meant to you. I don't know you anymore, Sonny."   
  
She watched him walk back toward her and cringed at the look on his face. She was familiar with that look. She had hurt him with her last comment. Looking into his eyes she saw how much she hurt him. As he drew closer he knelt beside her and lay his arm along the back of the bench and looked into her eyes pleading with her to hear him with a voice breaking with emotion.   
  
"Yes, you do. You do know me and I know you. I just got lost for a while. But, I finally found what I was looking for. And that's when I realized how you felt about me."   
  
"Look Sonny, I'm glad you think you've had some sort of epiphany or something. But, regardless of what you think you may know... things are not as they once were. So, if you have a point to make, then please get to it."   
  
Sonny stood and took his place beside her on the bench again. He turned so that he could face her fully and smiled.   
  
"Can I please ask for a little patience here, Alexis. This is not easy for me."   
  
Sonny looked down at her hands that lay clenched tightly in her lap and felt the need of her touch. So leaning forward slightly, he reached toward her and firmly pulled one of her hands into the warmth of his. As he felt her try to withdraw he tightened his grip a little until she relaxed then continued with what he wanted to say.   
  
"I needed my friend to help me deal with things and she was gone. I needed you, Alexis and you were gone. Something happened and you landed here. So much time passed without me seeing you... without us talking... I didn't know what happened until Johnny came to see me. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could do. Kevin asked me to come here and help him try to understand what was going on with you that would cause you to run so far inside that beautiful head of yours that you got lost and couldn't find your way back. Do you remember that day I asked you if I had lost you too? Well, I did eventually lose you and I needed to find you again. And since you were here... I had to find another way to find enough of what I knew of you to help me figure some things out. So I began searching for you and the first place I went was to 'Briarton-Griggs'.   
  
"You went where?"   
  
"I went to Briarton. It was the first place I could think of to go because it's where you first came to when you came to the states. I even talked to your head mistress. Do you believe she's still there and remembers you?"   
  
"You talked to Ms. Clayton?"   
  
"Yep. Ms. Martha Clayton, who remembers you fondly and she even invited me back to have lunch with her someday."   
  
"So you charmed your way into Briarton."   
  
Alexis was having trouble maintaining her determination to stay calm and reserved. Why? Why would he go to such lengths? Shifting slightly she tried to pull her hand from his and again met his resistance. She needed room... air... space. She looked up and let the vastness of the heavens... their openness calm her anxiety somewhat and she took a deep breath and released it slowly. The conversation was becoming too much to handle. It was getting too close, too uncomfortable and much too easy to buy into. In some part of her heart she wanted to sever their tie, but her memories of him, the physical presence of him by her side now and the magnetism of him stood in the way making it impossible for her to stay on course.   
  
"I went from there to Carnegie Hall and sat in the same box seat that I thought you would have sat in all those years ago. I tried to remember the color of the uniforms the girls were wearing the time I took my mother there. For some reason it became important for me to know where they were from."   
  
Carnegie Hall. He went back to Carnegie Hall... a place that still held a part of his heart. He was placing her in the same memory that held his mother. She stood abruptly tearing her hand from his and walked a few steps away from him mentally chiding herself. 'No, I won't let him do this to me. Not again. Focus, Alexis. He broke your heart. He'll do it again.'   
  
"Why... Why are you telling me this?"   
  
"Because I need you to know. I went to the places that I felt had special meaning to you and me. When I left Carnegie, I went back to Puerto Rico and retraced our footsteps through the casino. You told me then we would be friends till the end. Are you giving up on me, Alexis?"   
  
Hiding her face from his so he couldn't see her tears, she took a few steps more and leaned against the trunk of the big oak tree that she had awakened under just a few short days ago. She rested against its strength. Puerto Rico seemed a lifetime ago and she wanted to leave it there. Needed to leave it there. She had flown that night. Just as she and Sonny had watched the squirrels fly through the air from limb to limb, from tree to tree. She had finally felt the freedom of letting herself go and experiencing something new. Sonny gave her the opportunity. Sonny had always been there to support her, to comfort her... he always tried in his own way to shield her from the ugliness of their respective lives.   
  
Sonny watched as she turned back toward him with a face full of anguish and the remnants of tears hastily wiped away. He stood and walked toward her. At her step backward away from him, he stopped.   
  
"This is all real interesting, Sonny. But it's pointless. Those two people don't exist any more."   
  
"Please don't say that, Alexis. I need to believe those two people do still exist. I need to know that there is still hope for us."   
  
"Go home, Sonny. Go home to your wife."   
  
Sonny blanched as she repeated the words he had listened to so many months ago. He should have stayed with her that day. How could he have been so foolish?   
  
"She's gone. If I ever lay eyes on her again... well I'd have to find a lawyer to defend me on murder charges. Would you come if I called you, Alexis?"   
  
Although he was attempting to be facetious, Alexis could tell he was dead serious. How many times had she been on this road with him? Too many to count at this point and she knew without a doubt that she did not want to open herself up to the loss and hurt of it all again.   
  
"I believe we've already established the fact that I will not defend you against a charge of assault or murder. But, I'm quite sure it wouldn't come to that. You two have perfected that particular routine. And to be quite honest, I don't want any part of it again... ever."   
  
"It's not like that, Alexis. I'm through with her."   
  
"Save it, Sonny. I've heard it too many times before."   
  
"Jason took her out of the country. She has been told that if she ever shows up here again, I will kill her."   
  
Alexis had been watching a couple of redbirds chase each other, but at hearing his last words she whipped around and starred at him as he finished his thought.   
  
"So, if she ever turns up dead, you have enough ammunition now to send me to prison for life. You know now that I... how did you say it... know that I have intent."   
  
Laughing derisively she walked back to the bench and sat down shaking her head in disbelief as Sonny followed her.   
  
"I wonder where we would be now if you had listened to me when I first suggested that Jason take her out of the country?"   
  
"You probably wouldn't be sitting here right now listening to me plead a case that should have been settled a long time ago."   
  
It was not an answer she was expecting and the openness of it left her slightly unbalanced and a little breathless. He was trying to tell her something and as usual he was having difficulty expressing himself. Which let her know in no uncertain terms that it had to do with his feelings. She wanted to escape... to leave before he could pull her in again... but she couldn't. Her heart was firmly rooted in the soil of his words and her head had no control of the situation at all. Needing a little room to breathe, she returned to the subject of Carly... a subject that could effectively put a damper on any feelings of warmth and familiarity.   
  
"So what did she do this time? Surely she wasn't insipid enough to go the FBI route again. Or was she, I mean the sheer stupidity of it would certainly fit."   
  
"No, it was worse. She attacked you. I went a little crazy and Jason had to step in and remind me that if I went to prison for killing her, I wouldn't be able to come here any more and you wouldn't be free to defend me for the crime." 

Alexis snickered derisively.  
  
"So what made this time any different than any of the other times your wife verbally attacked or threatened me? I used to wonder if you had permanent cotton in your ears or if you were just deaf, dumb and blind where she was concerned. I finally decided it was the latter of the two. It was just that obvious."   
  
"This time was different because I was different."   
  
No matter how hard she tried to swing the conversation away from the two of them, he always pulled it right back. She needed a break. She needed time to think... regroup. But, how could she get away from him without alerting him to the fact that she was flustered... that he had gotten to her. As if on cue, the heavens opened to release a torrential downpour that left them both instantly drenched.   
  
Whispering a quiet thank you toward heaven, she looked at Sonny and began backing away. Lifting her voice so he could hear her over the rain that was pelting them both, she told him she would call him later.   
  
"Alexis, we can finish this in the cafeteria. We need to finish this."   
  
"I need to get dried off, Sonny. I'll call you later and set up a time to finish our conversation."   
  
She wasn't fooling him. As he watched her back away, he knew she was using the rain to escape him. Not wanting her to think she had gotten away with it, he smiled, nodded slightly and raised his hand to wave good-bye.   
  
"For now, Alexis. You can run for now. The next time I won't make it so easy for you."   
  
She hesitated for a fraction of a second at his words, then turned to run indoors to escape the rain and hopefully her feelings for the man who still held her heart... She couldn't stay... she couldn't take the chance of hurting him again. As the thought invaded her mind, she felt the now familiar intense pain of remembrance once again come over her. Her thoughts became chaotic and jumbled. A war raged between what her mind told her he had done to her and what her heart was trying to tell her she had done to him. And the pain deepened.   
  
Rain ran in rivulets off him to puddle at his feet as a satisfied smile graced his face. It was a beginning. 'Next time, Alexis. Next time you will know.'


	49. Chapter 49

**__**

Chapter 49   
  
Standing at the door she raised her hand to knock. Hesitating a moment in indecision she finally dropped her hand and turned to walk away. Taking a few steps away from the door she stopped turned again and went back to the door. Finally resigning herself to the task she raised her hand and knocked, committing herself to a situation she never thought she would willingly participate in.   
  
As the door opened Alexis gazed into concerned and caring eyes then asked the question that she knew he wanted her to ask; had hoped she would one day ask.   
  
"Can we talk, Kevin?"   
  
"Come on in, Alexis. I was about to have some lunch and it would be an honor if you would join me."   
  
"No thanks. I'm not hungry, but you go ahead. I don't really know why I'm here, but everything has just become a bit too much to handle on my own, I think. You probably already know that this is the last place I want to be right now."   
  
He chuckled and motioned her inside and waited for her to be seated.   
  
"I know. You've made it quite clear what you think of my profession."   
  
"I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I quite frankly hold your particular profession in the highest regards... as long as it pertains to the care of someone else. But, to find myself sitting here... it's just damning to me personally."   
  
"Why, Alexis? I'm not so sure I fully understand why it is that you think talking to me is so unacceptable for you. Everyone needs someone to talk to at times... and sometimes it's better if the person is unbiased and can look at a situation with a more objective view."   
  
"I have spent my life dealing with the unusual... the abnormal if you will. I set a standard for myself a long time ago. Because of the way I grew up it was essential that I have complete order in my life. I have worked endlessly to achieve that way of life. I am comfortable when everything is in its place, everything done in its own time... it unnerves me if the slightest shift to the natural order of things takes place."   
  
"So what is it that has you so... unnerved now?"   
  
"Right now? The fact that I am sitting in the office of a psychiatrist because my life became so unbalanced and uncontrollable that I chose to walk away from it rather than face it and deal with it has me pretty much on overload. Add to that the fact that there is still another aspect of my memory that has yet to reveal itself... well, you get the picture."   
  
"Yes, I get the picture. You're apprehensive about the remaining portion of your repressed memory."   
  
"Apprehensive is an understatement. Do you know what it is, Kevin? Do you know what is still out there waiting to level me?"   
  
"Level you? Why do you automatically assume that it will level you?"   
  
"Because I know what happens inside me if I get to close to the door it's hidden behind and you didn't answer my question. Do you know what it is?"   
  
"Yes, Alexis. I know what it is, but I do not know how you will react to it. I have my ideas, but they are just that... ideas. What I think is important to note is that right now, I believe you have enough to deal with without trying to open that remaining door yet. Look, I'm not going to push you to discuss any of what you're going through right now. I think if I did I would probably find myself hanging from the girders of Pier 52. You have quite a support system backing you up in case you haven't noticed."   
  
"Believe me, I have noticed. And as much as I have come to love both Johnny and Joy for all they have done for me, I'm ready for a little R & R from them."   
  
"They have totally committed themselves to your care, but so has someone else and I can't help but notice you left him completely out of the equation. Should I leave it alone?"   


Alexis took a moment to pull her thoughts together before she answered. 

  
"I'm told that he has revealed some of my past to you. Just how much I am unsure of, but whatever he told you, it should be enough for you to understand that I have always had trust issues. He broke that trust. I can't tell you how because of the attorney client privilege clause. I may no longer be his attorney, but whatever was disclosed during or after our association... whether it is actually covered legally or not... it remains off limits. That being said, he knows the events that took place in my life that caused me to become the woman that I am... to view things the way that I do. I look at everything from a survivor's point of view. He knows that... because of the life he has led he has the same point of view. Therefore he, more than anyone else, knows what it must have taken for me to end up here. Given what I know of where I stood just prior to my self-imposed psychological internment... I can only assume that something happened involving him that I couldn't deal with. My problem is that I am again faced with his presence on a daily basis. My immediate goal is to see to it that whatever happened that caused all of this never happens again. And that, in a nutshell, is why I am now sitting here with you."   
  
"Quite a nutshell, counselor."   
  
"I'm serious, Kevin. This is my life we're talking about. I want it back... without the fear, without the anxiousness, without... hurting anyone else."   
  
"That's really what all of this is about, isn't it? You're terrified that you've hurt someone. Why? Why does the thought that you may have hurt someone have the ability to destroy the grasp you have on your life? If you're going to allow me to try to help you I need to know what's driving your thoughts. Can you tell me, Alexis?"   
  
Kevin watched her closely to see what affect his questions were having on her and the only change in her response was a slight shift in her eyes and one side of her bottom lip found its way between her teeth briefly. Getting up from his desk he went to stand in front of her and knelt beside her.   
  
"Hey, it's just you and me and the walls. No one else. I know just as much about that attorney/client thing as you know about the doctor/patient thing. I want to help you Alexis, if you'll let me."   
  
"I've done things I'm not proud of. Things that have... hurt people. In some instances I knew it would hurt them, but I did it anyway because I wanted to protect my family. The reasons no longer matter now. What does matter is that it was wrong. Would I do it again? Under the same circumstances and even given the same results... I probably would. Nevertheless, I still suffered because of it. The fact that I deliberately hurt someone still affected me inside. Something happened recently and I hurt someone again. I didn't know it until after the fact, but the result was the same. Only this time, because I didn't think of the consequences of my actions I hurt more than one person. I set into motion a chain of events that left a ton of debris. And Sonny was hurt the most. I tried to rationalize the whole fiasco to myself and to Sonny. But, the truth of the matter is... because I didn't think of anyone else... because I chose to do what I wanted... people got hurt. And now my child will be hurt as well."   
  
Kevin watched her stand and move to the window to stare out. He grinned discreetly at how alike the two of them really were. He drew close beside her and lay a hand on her shoulder to draw her attention back to him.   
  
"Truth of the matter is... things happen. We don't want them to... we try our best to keep our lives free of the mud puddles that we inevitably find along the way. Did you know what the outcome would be of your actions?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Did you intend for anyone to get hurt?"   
  
"Absolutely not."   
  
"Did you attempt to clean up the situation?"   
  
"In the beginning, yes."   
  
"Then leave it be. It's over and done with."   
  
"No, Kevin. It's not over. It will never be over for me or for Sonny."   
  
"Mind if I ask why?"   
  
"I think I did something that hurt him again, seriously. So seriously that I couldn't deal with it."   
  
"Did he tell you that you hurt him or is this a conclusion you're jumping to?"   
  
She went quiet on him. Her bottom lip found its way back between her teeth. Kevin was quickly recognizing that it was quite easy to see when Alexis was unsure of herself or when her anxiety got the best of her.   
  
"Come here. Sit with me. You may just get angry with me, but I'd like to share with you what I think is going on here."   
  
Alexis walked ahead of him and sat in the straight back chair forcing Kevin to sit elsewhere. She watched him grin as he realized she had manipulated their seating arrangement effectively keeping her from having to assume a seat on 'the couch'... the dreaded psychiatrist' couch that by sight alone could effectively steal a person's confidence in themselves.   
  
"I may be mentally challenged at times, but I'm not stupid and I can't imagine anything positive coming from me sitting on that couch."   
  
"It's just a couch, Alexis."   
  
"...he says as he perches on the arm of said couch."   
  
He was rewarded with a brief twinkle in her eye before she became serious again. In order to make her more comfortable, Kevin moved off the arm and sat down on the couch and grimaced.   
  
"Ok... so it's more than a couch. It's a statement that's best left to the interpreter."   
  
He watched in fascination as his remark caused her to laugh and he relaxed.   
  
"It's been a long time, Alexis. I didn't realize just how much I missed it."   
  
"Missed what?"   
  
"Your laughter. It's a beautiful sound. I almost hate to continue here, but I think it's necessary."   
  
"You said you think you know what's going on here? Ok, I'll bite. Give me your take on all of this."   
  
"First, just let me ask that you bear with me. I've had to put together a lot of information in a short time; a lot of information on you. It never occurred to me that I would have to take a back seat for the better part of your return to normalcy. I wasn't prepared for such an adamant, stubborn, iron-willed independent patient."   
  
"If you know anything of my history then you know why it is important for me to be self-reliant and independent emotionally as well as physically and professionally."   
  
"Yes, but I didn't expect you to be so proficient at it."   
  
"Anything worth doing is worth doing well." 

Kevin chuckled.  
  
"The standard answer for the perfectionist at work. I don't mind telling you, Alexis. You've led me on a merry chase. I don't believe I'm telling you this... I swore I wouldn't. But, do you see that stack of books on my desk?"   
  
Alexis turned to look toward where he was pointing.   
  
"Quite a stack. Research on a new grant or something?"   
  
"No, thanks to you and a former client of yours, I'm having to research the mental addictions, traits and behavioral patterns of 'control freaks'.   
  
Alexis turned back to see such a look of exasperation on Kevin's face that she threw her head back and laughed hilariously.   
  
"You're kidding. Tell me you're kidding, Kevin."   
  
"No, I'm not and it's not that funny. You two are quite a pair. And the similarities between the two of you simply amazes me."   
  
"We've been through a lot together, had some of the same experiences. But, I don't think I want to discuss it with you. It's private."   
  
"It's ok, you don't have to. I already know about his past."   
  
"You know about Sonny's past? How? He doesn't talk about it to anyone."   
  
"Just his best friend and his doctor it seems."   
  
"His doctor? You? Why... no don't tell me. In fact, if what you say is true you're skating on pretty thin ice right now with that doctor/patient clause of yours. It is not very ethical for you to be discussing his.. uhm... I think we need to stop this."   
  
"Alexis, I have his permission. We discussed the possibilities of whether or not his sessions with me could help you or not."   
  
"Kevin, I have to tell you that all of this has suddenly become very uncomfortable for me."   
  
He watched as the normal signs of her unease presented themselves in an exaggerated degree.   
  
"I know, Alexis. I can see that. Does this mean you don't want my take on things after all?"   
  
Sonny in therapy! Alexis wasn't dealing with it too well. What would cause Sonny to go against everything he believed in? He never discussed his private life. He made every effort to keep it all locked away just as she did.   
  
"With every passing hour I am becoming more convinced than ever that whatever is still hiding away has something to do with Sonny. And I have a growing suspicion that Sonny is here now trying to reassure me that he's letting my transgression against him go because of my previous state of mind or lack thereof. He was always generous where my neurotic tendencies were concerned. He never turned me away when I needed someone to talk to. But, I did something that changed all that. I don't want to hurt him again, but I don't want to be hurt again either."   
  
"I know that, Alexis. But, things are not as they seem. You cannot allow yourself to proceed based on supposition and unfounded conclusions. You need to sit back and take a breather. Let things ride for a while. Every single one of those books over there tells me that a perfectionist, when faced with chaos, begins to manipulate the different aspect of their lives to the point of destroying the big picture just so the piece right in front of them that appears to be the problem finally makes sense to them. When that doesn't work, they take another portion of the big picture that looks off and begins to manipulate it in the same manner until they have effectively dismantled what is real to fit their own idea of order... what makes sense to them." 

Alexis frowned.  
  
"You're telling me you think I'm a perfectionist."   
  
"How many compartments do you have stashed away in that head of yours that can accommodate all the different aspects of Alexis Davis' life and persona?"   
  
"Compartments?"   
  
"Yes. I imagine there is a compartment for every aspect of your personality as well as your life. For instance, one for the woman who has been hurt, one for the woman who was abused, be it mentally or physically, one for pride in the achievements she's made as an attorney, one for fear, the courageous woman, the principled, the mother, the friend and one great big compartment for the woman who is desperate to be loved."   
  
He watched with a combination of amusement and concern as she stood and went back to stare out the window.   
  
"Alexis, may I ask why it is that both you and Sonny have this penchant for windows when things get a bit uncomfortable? You two make me dizzy traveling back and forth between window viewings."   
  
She glanced back at him, smiled then returned her focus outside.   
  
"It gives the illusion of having more space to breathe in; the room doesn't appear as confining when your looking at the expanse of the outdoors."   
  
"That's not a bad trick. Maybe I could try that when my wife gets riled up."   
  
"Kevin, can we shelve the rest of this for awhile? I need some time to think... process things."   
  
"That's fine, Alexis. But just remember, processing and thinking is fine... it's the compartmentalizing that tends to be destructive. You've so fine-tuned the art of tearing your life down piece by piece in your attempts to analyze it that pieces have gotten lost. Pieces that are important if you want a real and honest assessment of the situation as a whole."   
  
"You make a lot of sense, Kevin. And I promise I'll consider everything you've said."   
  
Alexis made a move toward the door and stopped beside Kevin's desk. Picking up a few of the books stacked there, she perused the titles. She was familiar with most of the authors, but one book in particular caught her interest.   
  
"Would you mind if I borrowed this one, Kevin?"   
  
He drew to a standstill beside her to see which one she had chosen. He grinned and nodded.   
  
"Go right ahead. That is the book that set me on the course of becoming a psychiatrist. It's very entertaining as well as instructive. It teaches the four temperaments. I think you'll find it very informative regarding what drives us to react the way we do in any given circumstance."   
  
"Thanks, Kevin."   
  
He watched her walk to the door and reach for the knob then turn back to him.   
  
"It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. You're very well read, Kevin. You could probably teach me a thing or two."   
  
Laughing at the bone she was throwing his way, he threw one right back.   
  
"Nice talking to you, counselor. It's refreshing to have such an intelligently determined patient to deal with on occasion."   
  
They both laughed in unison as she left his office to return to her suite.


	50. Chapter 50

  
**_ Chapter 50_**   
  
Alexis spent the better part of the day after leaving Kevin, reading the book he loaned her. She was so engrossed that she missed dinnertime. Johnny and Joy were out on one of the 'required dates' that Alexis forced on them because of the guilt she felt over the amount of time they spent tied to Ferncliff on her behalf.   
  
Looking at the clock she found that she had been reading for the past 4 hours and she was absolutely famished. Entering the kitchen she opened the cupboard where the popcorn was usually kept and found it empty. Evidently Joy was passing it around again. When she wasn't taking care of her, Joy spent time with the children who were patients at Ferncliff that did not have parents or family. Sighing in frustration, she made a mental note to talk to Johnny in the morning about late night cravings and what the absence of microwave popcorn did to the psyche of people who depended on it. 

Opening the refrigerator door she found it filled, but upon further investigation discovered that everything required some level of cooking for it to be edible. Dinner would either have to wait for Johnny or Joy to return or she would have to take a dreaded trip to the cafeteria in search of a hopefully non-toxic snack. Not wanting to burden them upon their return she headed for the cafeteria.   
  
Entering the cafeteria her heart fell at the sight of Kevin and Sonny sitting companionably at a nearby table. Turning quietly she attempted to leave without being noticed. She didn't want to see Sonny yet. There was just too much she was trying to deal with today and adding her attraction to him and his insistence to talk to her on top of everything else... she just wasn't ready yet.   
  
Hearing Kevin call out to her, her shoulders sagged a bit as she turned back around to answer. The look of expectation on Sonny's face further weighed her down as she slowly walked toward their table.   
  
"You're out pretty late, Alexis. The only thing I can figure is you ran out of popcorn."   
  
She smiled slightly at Sonny's observation.   
  
"Yea, I missed dinner and didn't really want to scare the daylights out of the inmates by having fire alarms going off this late."   
  
Kevin laughed lightly at her comedic attempt while trying to discreetly assess her current frame of mind. He noticed she was carrying the book he loaned her and was impressed by where her bookmark was. If she had already read that much in so little time, then she probably had a pretty good idea of what type of temperament she possessed and might also have some questions at this point. As she stood next to the table, he watched as she shifted nervously while speaking to Sonny. Addressing Sonny, he hoped his intention would be clear without having to explain himself.   
  
"Well, I think that's going to do it for me. Thanks for the coffee, Sonny."   
  
Turning back to Alexis he completed his attempt to manipulate the situation into her favor.   
  
"This late at night, I would recommend the vending machine would be the healthiest way to go; which I do believe has some microwave popcorn in it. Let me treat you, then if you want I can walk you back."   
  
Sonny got the picture quickly and stood to go.   
  
"It's time I was off too. Alexis, I'll see you soon and Kevin, I'll see you next time."   
  
Alexis followed his exit with her eyes then returned her gaze to Kevin.   
  
"That wasn't very subtle, Kevin. However, it was appreciated."   
  
"Given where that bookmark is, I figured your head must be spinning right now. I'm a little curious. Have you always read that fast?"   
  
"Yes. It's a talent that has come in quite handy over the years. Interesting book. I'm finding it hard to put down."   
  
"Have you figured out which temperament you possess yet... if it's not too personal a question that is?"   
  
"Yes, I think I have. There are two that stand out. I found myself gravitating toward their strengths, but in reading the weaknesses of the two types... well, let's just say a few light bulbs have gone off."   
  
"Mind if I take a guess at which ones they are?"   
  
His question while igniting her curiosity also tickled her competitive spirit as well. Because of her ability to shut down... hide her emotions as well as her responses; she could not imagine Kevin being able to come close to knowing what she had only now learned of herself in the past few hours. Sitting down in the chair Sonny just vacated, she motioned for Kevin to join her.   
  
"This should be interesting and provide a little humor as well. Please... go ahead... tell me what you think. But, I have to warn you... I'm not so easy to read as you seem to think I am."   
  
Taking his seat, he smiled and leaned forward to provide a little more emphasis to his answer.   
  
"I would say that your temperament is predominately a combination of two of the possible four. The more prominent of the two being Choleric, and the second being Melancholy."   
  
He laughed as her jaw dropped indicating he guessed correctly.   
  
Recovering a bit, she joined his laughter a bit hesitantly.   
  
"Well, I guess I'm more transparent than I thought I was. Guess I'll have to work on that."   
  
"You're not transparent at all, Alexis. I've studied that book. I've read it from front to back several times and I study people. People are fascinating to me. I find it amusing that a great percentage of the people out there do not have a clue about what drives them to act or react the way they do. It never occurs to them that their talents, their tendencies toward leadership, optimism, anger, perfectionism... those traits are inbred. But, we have the ability to determine how we use our strengths and overcome our weaknesses. One of my mentors defined for me once what he thought a mature person was. It's one who has paid enough attention to himself to know what his strengths and his weaknesses are and put in place a well-thought out program to overcome his weaknesses."   
  
"You really do get excited about all of this don't you?"   
  
"Yes. I've loaned that book out before and watched an angry, violent and abused woman who was scared of her own shadow change into one of the most loving, open and caring women I've ever met. Simply because she finally understood that part of herself that always left her on the outside looking in. She was able to put together a plan of action that enabled her to change the way she viewed herself and in doing so found she could put the past behind her and actually live a fulfilling life."   
  
"Has it ever failed... I mean the concept of this book... has it ever failed?"   
  
"Of course it has. Not everyone has the ability to analyze themselves in such a comprehensive manner. Maybe they weren't born with the ability or they just can't see any relative value in it. _O_r it may be that they have the ability to adjust, manipulate, or accept life on a level that others can't."   
  
"So why is it that you were able to correctly guess my temperament?"   
  
"I would first have to say that it is your analytical talent that first clued me. No matter what is said or not said, done, not done... whatever the case, the wheels in your brain begin an immediate analysis of the situation. You not only take just what's right in front of you, but you pull into the equation the effects of possible outside interference. For example... when you walked in a moment ago... your reason for coming to the cafeteria was for something to eat. You walk in the door and the first thing you see is Sonny and myself enjoying a cup of coffee together. Here's what I imagine went through your head in the space of seconds...   
  
_1. What's Sonny doing here?   
2. Is he talking about me?   
3. Is Kevin telling him what we discussed?   
4. If I leave quickly, maybe they won't see me.   
5. If they do, how can I make a quick departure?   
6. How can I get out of this with the least amount of wear and tear?   
7. Do I want to see Sonny?   
8. What ammunition will the interaction give either of them?   
9. Damn, too late... they've seen me.   
10. Ok, Alexis... straighten up, time to perform._   
  
Alexis sat there shaking her head thinking to herself... 'How does he do that?'   
  
"Only one of them is wrong. Nine out of ten... that's not bad. I never questioned whether or not you would discuss our earlier conversation. You believe in privilege just as much as I do. However, it is a bit disconcerting that you were able to come up with the other nine though. I'm pleased to say that I still have the upper hand on you though. You didn't mention the various conversational tricks I could use to change the subject if the need arose."   
  
"Alexis, all of that analysis is great for court room antics, but if you're just trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation or conversation... a simple _'nice to see you, but I've got other things on my mind this evening... I'll see you later_' would have sufficed. As it played out though, you put yourself through all kinds of stress and anxiety needlessly."   
  
Laughing derisively, Alexis pointed out a fact that she knew quite well.   
  
"Do you think that if Sonny really wanted my attention he would have been satisfied with an 'I've got other things on my mind... I'll see you later' response? Come on, Kevin. Even you know him better than that."   
  
"Alexis, don't forget... he's trying to deal with his own issues as well right now. It didn't take much for me to get across the point a few minutes ago that he needed to give you some breathing room. He is trying."   
  
"You're right. He was abnormally accommodating. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He wants to talk... I'm just a little leery of what he wants to talk about."   
  
"So tell him that. Open up that compartment called courage and take a stand. I know the hinges on that door are gonna squeak like crazy, because it seems that you don't open it unless you're defending someone else. Try defending yourself for a change, Alexis."   
  
Kevin yawned, stood then leaned over the table to whisper conspiratorially.   
  
"You know, that mind of yours is chock full of interesting tidbits that I'm sure could hold the attention of anyone regardless of their station in life, and I simply find that personality of yours delightful to be around. Problem is... you can't see it yet. I happen to think that you are one of the most intelligent, well-read, engaging women I have ever come across, but you're so busy hiding behind 'Alexis Davis, Attorney at Law' that people are often so intimidated by your professional face that they miss the real Alexis Davis. You know, the woman who is fiercely loyal and dedicated to her friends... the woman whose heart breaks if someone she loves is hurt... the woman who will defend and protect at all costs anyone who she feels has been abused in any manner. Alexis, before you leave here, I want you to be comfortable enough with that woman that it no longer matters what the world knows of her."   
  
His words beat at the door of her heart, begging to be let in. But, Alexis knew she couldn't open herself up to such kind words. They were filled with the ability to weaken her. She had to stay strong and in control so that the little girl she still held within her heart could not be hurt again. Helena was still out there somewhere... ready to remind her at a moment's notice of the child she was... of the fear... the helplessness. She couldn't let her guard down regardless of how much she wanted to believe in Kevin's words. It just wasn't possible. No book in the world could take away the defeat she felt at the hands of Helena. No book could lessen the feelings of loss she had known at the death of her mother and her sister so long ago.   
  
Standing back up straight, Kevin watched sadly as the mask fell into place once more on her face. Touching her arm briefly he brought her eyes up to meet his.   
  
"The past won't allow you to believe, will it?"   
  
"I've been trying to escape it all my life. I finally realized that it is a part of me whether I want it to be or not. It helped make me who I am. This book says that we are born with the traits of our parents. I never knew my father and didn't have my mother around long enough to... All I know is that I have to stay strong and in control so that I'm always prepared for the moment my past decides to jump up and bite me in the butt." 

Kevin smiled compassionately and lay his hand on her arm comfortingly.  
  
"Ok, let's leave it there for now. You're tired and I'm tired. It's been a long day. Let me walk you back. Put the book down, Alexis. Get some rest. Try to stop the wheels for a while. Talk to that little girl you've got there... tell her a bedtime story. Then lay down and rest. Promise me, Alexis that you'll rest. Stop the analysis for a while. Today's business is done. Leave tomorrow to take care of itself. Ok?"   
  
"Ok, Kevin. I promise."   
  
"Good, now let me be a gentleman and walk you to your door before I go home to my wife who will probably be standing at the door with a skillet in hand ready to bash me over the head."   
  
"I wouldn't put it past her at all. How is Lucy these days?"   
  
"She's fine. Sick of late night consults though."   
  
"Well, why don't you go on home and take some of your own advice. You get some rest too. I can find my own way back to my suite."   
  
"You sure?"   
  
"I'm sure. Now go."   
  
"Fine, I'll see you later."   



	51. Chapter 51

**__**

  
Chapter 51   
  
Alexis was so tired the previous evening that it wasn't hard to keep her promise to Kevin to get some rest. Her night had been free of nightmares and she awakened ravenous given she missed dinner the previous evening. Johnny came in shortly after her and took her teasing over the lack of popcorn rather well. He and Joy then left to take a run to the store to stock up on the vital snack of choice.   
  
Hearing a knock at the door, Alexis went to answer it. She found the hall empty and assumed someone had simply made a mistake. As she turned to go back inside she noticed a white box on the floor at her feet. The familiarity of the box brought memories that flooded her senses. The first time he gave her one, she accepted it on a dare. The second time, he gave her a box just like this from one friend to another. Bending down to pick it up a smile of longing crossed her face. Unfolding the card that was attached to the top of the box she read the note he scrawled inside. Her fingers ran lightly over the words wistfully.   
  
_"Alexis,   
I need a friend to talk to. If I promise to behave will you meet me under the_

big oak tree?   
Sonny"   
  
  
Knowing what she would find, she opened the box and breathed deeply the fragrance that lay within. Such delicate petals... the simple grace and beauty of each flower wove itself around her heart. She was unaware of the tears that were slowly finding their way down her cheeks as she touched the fragile petals that lay within until she felt a tear drop from her cheek to land among them and disappear.   
  
"Well little girl, your daddy always did know how to get someone's attention. He was never one to give up on anything he set his mind to. What do you think, baby? Think we're ready to face him?"   
  
Laughing delightedly at the tiny kick she received, Alexis cradled the box in one arm, her child in the other and went back inside closing the door behind her with her foot. She didn't want to take a chance on accidentally dropping the precious box nor did she want to lose contact with her child.   
  
"Ok, Ok. I'll take you to see your daddy. But, you have to promise to settle down sweetheart.'   
  
Finding a bowl in the kitchen, Alexis lovingly placed each flower into the bowl that she filled with water then went to dress for an impromptu date with Sonny.   
  
Quickly running a brush through her hair a few times, she headed for the door again only to halt suddenly and return to the bowl she placed on the coffee table. The bowl that now held what she considered to be the symbol of the love she held for the man who had stolen her heart. She picked up one gardenia and brought it up to inhale its fragrance. Holding it tenderly she left the room to rejoin her heart that now sat waiting for her under a big oak tree.   
  
It was a beautiful morning that greeted her as she stepped outside the building. Standing still a moment to put away any stray emotions or feelings that had no business peeking out she stepped down and began the walk that would take her to her friend. No one need know that her feelings went any deeper than that. She missed her friend, the trust between them, the talks they shared, the connection.   
  
"Good morning, Alexis. Thank you for agreeing to meet me. I wasn't sure you would come."   
  
She found him waiting patiently, whistling softly to himself. As she sat down beside him her eyes were automatically drawn to his and her heart once again began the familiar war. Of the many wars that raged within her where Sonny was concerned only one had ever been resolved, it was resolved by a heart that closed the door on reason. There was no longer a question as to whether or not she loved Sonny nor was there the question of how much she loved him. There were other wars being waged within her heart and mind now. Should she tell him, and what of Carly? Would her baby girl have to suffer the verbal assaults of Carly as she did with Helena? Looking at the contentment on his face she decided to push the problems into the corners of her mind and leave them for a while. All she wanted in that moment was to keep that beautiful smile on his face for as long as possible.   
  
"I've never been able to say no to your charm, especially when such beautiful flowers accompany it."   
  
"You like the flowers?"   
  
"Yes, Sonny. I've always liked the flowers. Your taste has always been excellent in the gifts you give. Not that you've given me a lot of gifts, but the ones you did give were very well thought out. I mean look at the trip to Puerto Rico. That was a gift. You saw I needed to get away and you provided the means. You've always treated me very sweetly and I appreciate it." 

Sonny reached for her, but remembered his promise to behave and pulled his hand back clasping it with his other in his lap.  
  
"Alexis... breathe. There is no reason for you to be uneasy. I just wanted to talk to you. I don't have any ulterior motives... well... not many at least."   
  
Tilting her head to the side she slid a glance his way and smiled knowingly at the devilish grin on his face.   
  
"Not many, huh?"   
  
Sonny shifted a bit so he could watch her more closely. He had gotten an idea the previous evening and he was hoping it would help him prove to her how he felt about her.   
  
"I just want to talk to you, Alexis. I want to tell you a story."   
  
"A story, Sonny. Aren't I a little old for that type of thing?"   
  
"No, not for this kind of story. I brought you a cold bottle of water just in case you get thirsty."   
  
"So I take it this is going to be a long story."   
  
Chuckling at her sarcasm he shifted again to get a little more comfortable.   
  
"Well, that depends on how many times you interrupt me during the story."   
  
"Well, I think I can hold the interruptions to a minimum. So go ahead, I'm all ears."   
  
Sonny sat back and relaxed to tell a story that he hoped would prove to Alexis the depth of his feeling for her and also allow her to trust him enough to share her feelings as well.   
  
"A long time ago there was a little boy who loved his mother and father more than anything else. But, one day his dad walked away and didn't come back."   
  
"Sonny, I remember what happened in your past. You don't have to tell me again."   


He grinned and nodded his patiently.

  
"Actually I thought I'd be able to get further into the story before you interrupted for the first time."   
  
"I'm sorry, Sonny. But, I know how much those memories hurt. You don't have to do this."   
  
"Alexis, a lot has happened since I've been here. I want you to know what's going on now and what went on with me during the time you've been here. Please, let me do this. I need to tell you and I need you to hear it; for both of us. Ok?"   
  
"Ok, Sonny. You have my full attention. Go ahead, I'll listen without interruption this time."   
  
"Ok. Once Mike walked out that's when the bitterness began. Day after day passed and I would stand at the window hoping he would come home, but when he didn't the bitterness began to grow more and more. My mother would always try to distract me. She tried everything she could think of to help pass the days, but I saw what it was doing to her. And after a while we just kind of gave up on him. Then Deke came into the picture and the abuse began. As much as I hated Deke, there was a part of me that hated Mike more because if he had stayed then Deke wouldn't have been able to get to my mother and me. As the years passed I began to hold Mike just as responsible for my mother's death as I did Deke. But, even when he came back years later wanting a relationship I gave him a chance and he walked again. I swore then that I was through with him. In all of it I learned to shut myself off... to not ever expect anything from anyone. I called myself putting it all behind me, but the truth of it is... I carry it with me every day of my life. I live my life letting my past dictate how I deal with the present. But, something happened a couple of years ago that began to change things. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the how or why, but I do know it started when you and I began working together and eventually became friends."   
  
Alexis watched Sonny stand and start pacing; a sign that always signaled intense concentration on his part. There was something different in his face this time though. There was the look of openness that she remembered from some of their previous talks, but there was something else in his face that she hadn't seen before and she couldn't quite name what it was.   
  
"Do you remember how many times I told you I needed you?"   
  
Remember? How could she forget? How do you forget a rush of warmth brought about by unexpected words? Words that held the promise of more time... time with the one person who excited you... challenged you... infuriated and comforted you. Smiling wryly she answered.   
  
"Quite a few if I recall correctly."   
  
"Exactly, but did I ever really explain why?"   
  
"Not really. You've never been one for explaining, Sonny. I figured it was because you needed a friend and except for Jason who was always taking off for parts unknown, I was the only one available."   
  
"That may have been part of it, but there was something else I needed from you and you gave it. For the first time in my life someone took an interest in me... in what made me the man I became. You looked underneath the hate and anger. The women I've been with... they couldn't be with me without trying to change me. It seemed there was always some plan to force me into being the man they wanted me to be. Maybe Lilly was different, but even with her there was still something that wasn't right."   


Sonny stopped pacing and turned to face Alexis.

  
"Do you remember when I asked you if the view in Puerto Rico was worth what I paid for it? Do you remember what you said?"   
  
"Yes. I said that I doubted it." 

Sonny started toward her with a bit of excitement then remembering himself stopped allowing his excitement to be heard in his voice.  
  
"You see, that's just it. Those 3 words got to me. They hit home. Everyone else would have either said yes or made some attempt to color the situation differently. But when it comes right down to the truth of it all... there's no one else that I would have felt safe enough with to share that story with. That's been the thing all along. I could share my soul with you knowing that what was in my best interest would always come first with you. I didn't have to second-guess your intentions." 

Residual fear forced her to retreat to what was safe, knowing he wouldn't have an adequate enough answer to satisfy her.

  
"So why did you stay with Carly? What was it about her that kept you tied to her? It was something that I never really understood."   
  
"She's the kind of woman men like me end up with. With everything I was guilty of in my life, I couldn't see where I could have anything more so I forced myself to accept the relationship. I fought hard to make it work. In the beginning, I admit I actually thought I loved her but, as time passed it became more about something else. I told you one time, but we were interrupted before we could finish it."   
  
"You felt your only choices were to either be with Carly or spend the remainder of your life alone." 

Sonny face fell into a look of shock.  
  
"_You remember that_?"   
  
"Of course I remember it, Sonny. I'm just sorry that Jax interrupted that conversation. It was one that needed to be finished."   
  
"And if we decided to finish it now, what would you say, Alexis?" 

Alexis sat back and studied him for a moment. Was it now appropriate for her to tell him what should have been said months ago? Would it make a difference? The more she thought the more she knew he deserved to know what she thought. He needed her truth just as much as she needed his.  
  
"The first thing I would say is that no man should ever have to be saddled with the likes of a woman like Carly. I don't mean that maliciously and I don't want to hurt you by saying it, but Carly is the type of woman who was born solely to destroy men. She's manipulative, vindictive, self-absorbed and cruel. She cares about you only as long as she gets what she wants the way she wants it. She is detrimental to you as a man. Sonny, every time you let her get close to you she begins to slowly tear you down... I will concede that I don't think she does it on purpose. She's not that clever. She actually believes that she's trying to help... that the lies, the schemes, the absolutely infantile machinations she puts you through are for your benefit. How any one person can become so warped is beyond me. And believe me, with the Cassadine history I come from, that's saying something. I'm sorry, but if I were given the choice of spending the rest of my life with Carly or being alone... I'd have to choose being alone." 

Desperately Sonny fought back. The fear of being alone suddenly taking over and smothering his other feelings.  
  
"But, I don't want to spend my life alone, Alexis. In some ways it kind of feels like I've been alone most of my life anyway... except maybe for the last year or so. Every time there has been love in my life it has come with some kind of angle to it. Is that the way it really is? Does there always have to be an angle involved. I want to be with someone who actually likes me, understands me and despite what she knows of me loves me anyway. I'm not a good man... but, I could be with the right woman by my side."   
  
His eyes held hers. They were magnets that would not release her. She saw into the depths of his soul. She saw the fear, the hurt, the frightened little boy, the desperate man, and she saw his need. And as he laid his heart open for her she froze. She knew it. _She knew it_. He was going to do it to her again. _'Damn. Why do I let him do this to me?_'   
  
Sonny felt her withdraw and was puzzled by it. What was she hearing? Did he say something wrong? Settling down beside her he tried again.   
  
"It was easier to stay with Carly. I got to where I didn't expect anything from her. If you don't expect anything then you can't get hurt. It became an existence of just waiting until the next bomb dropped. It's kind of like with Mike. You know they're gonna mess up. You just wait for it to happen and clean up the mess as best you can and then get ready for the next disaster 'cause that's what your life is."   
  
He couldn't read what she was thinking. She had effectively pulled the curtain down on her emotions. Moving closer to her he took her hand in his.   
  
"Don't you get it, Alexis? I could survive Carly if anything happened and we didn't make it. It was easier to stay with her than to take a chance on something that did have the ability to destroy me if it didn't work. You and me, we trusted each other. I trusted you and you trusted me. The problem was... we didn't trust us."   
  
"Sonny, there never was an 'us'. You know that."   
  
"Yes Alexis, there was. We just couldn't face it. We were scared of it. Of what it could do to us... of the power of it. Neither one of us have ever felt anything like that before, so we ran from it. Or maybe I should say, I ran from it since I probably shouldn't speak for you."   
  
"Sonny, please don't do this. I'm asking you... please... "   
  
"Don't do what, Alexis? Don't tell you that I found her that I went looking for my friend and found her. You see I was so afraid of losing my friend that I failed to do what was necessary to keep her. But when I found her I found something else too." 

Alexis was desperately fighting what he was trying to tell her; fighting what she wanted to believe he was telling her. Fighting to keep him at arm's length… for herself… for her daughter.  
  
"No, Sonny! We lost each other and there is no going back. We can't go back. There is nothing left to salvage of our friendship. It's over." 

  
As she stood to walk away a thought suddenly occurred to Sonny. With insight that could only be born from hours of spending time with and caring about someone, he realized what the problem was.   
  
"Alexis, this is not about my daughter. This is about you and me. Don't give up on us, Alexis."


	52. Chapter 52

**__**

Chapter 52   
  
Alexis was stunned by Sonny's revelation regarding '_his_' daughter. How did he know? Had they fought over their daughter. Was that why she was here? Did he threaten her? She began to panic.   
  
"Don't think you can take my daughter from me. I won't let you, Sonny."   
  
Sonny could not have been more shocked by her reply than if she had actually slapped him. He watched as she became increasingly agitated and fear was written boldly across her face. He reached for her and felt pain as she ripped her hand away from him.   
  
"I would never do that, Alexis. I know what the child means to you, just as you know what she means to me. But, I don't want to talk about her just yet. We have to settle what's between us."   
  
"NO. There is no 'us'. There can never be an 'us'. My daughter has already been threatened once by your wife. She has already been subjected to a myriad of verbal assaults against her mother as well as herself filled with innuendo and language unfit for the most hardened person's ears. And don't forget, I was there and witnessed your cave man tactics when you found out Carly was carrying your child. I don't mean to hurt you, Sonny. But, my daughter is not going to live a life full of screaming irrational idiots who don't know any better, nor is she going to be fought over as if she were a rag doll or tossed around like she has no worth at all. I've been there! I know what it feels like. I know what it does to a person emotionally and I won't allow my daughter to go through it. I will not allow my daughter to be damaged like I was."   
  
By the time Alexis had finished her tirade she was crying uncontrollably and she had wrapped both her arms around her mid-section in an attempt to hold her child as closely as she could to protect her from hearing the angry words and tears of her mother.   
  
Sonny couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew Alexis would have fears where he was concerned regarding their child, but just how deep they went staggered him. In listening to Alexis, he finally realized the damage Carly must have done to Alexis. Initially it was the treatment Alexis suffered at the hands of Helena that began the emotional problems Alexis suffered from, but now it seemed that Carly had taken over where Helena left off. And his behavior was just as detrimental in ways he could not have imagined. In his fervor to have a child of his own, to be a part of raising a child, he had enlisted Alexis' help to do whatever needed to be done to ensure his place in a child's life regardless of who it hurt. That was why Michael was now his. But Michael was safer with him than with AJ... or was he? Michael loved him... but would he if he knew the extreme measures that were taken to keep him from his real father? Alexis knew and Alexis was now afraid of him... of what he would do when he found out the child was his. He tried desperately to try and alleviate some of his worries. And without thinking, he chose the wrong way to begin his defense.   
  
"Alexis, you don't have to worry about Carly anymore?"   
  
It was too much. Just hearing her name come out of his mouth one more time. Alexis stood and turned on him with a heart full of love, hurt and anger.   
  
"Why, because you say so? Pardon me if I don't believe you. You may actually believe that right now, but '_she_' is still out there... somewhere. And right now she's doing what she does best... working up some scheme to get you back. I can't do it anymore, Sonny. I won't put my daughter through what I went through. Constantly waiting for a man... a father... waiting day after day for him to come to his senses... to see what's right in front of him. Cringing every time he let's that... that... shrew make a fool of him. You're better than that. You've always been better than that. It was right there in front of you... all you had to do was reach out and take it. But, you chose the fool's route. And she did it to you once again. Only this time I couldn't stand by you. This time when you went south on me you attacked Zander. You knew I couldn't accept that. You knew what the consequences would be, but you did it anyway. You chose to settle... to be the kind of man women like her prey on. You asked me if I gave up on you? Well, the answer is no, I didn't. You gave up on yourself, Sonny. And I can't let my daughter suffer the way I did if you decide to take that route again. Can't you see what you've done, Sonny? Without realizing it, you've put me in the same position Mike put you in all those years ago. I became the one standing at the window waiting for you to come home."   
  
With that last statement Alexis turned and walked away leaving Sonny staring blindly after her. He didn't have a response for her. How could he? She was right. He watched helplessly as she walked out of his life again. He just sat there. There was no place to go... nowhere to turn. The only woman in the world he could be whole with, could be loved by had just walked away for the second time. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of one lone flower that lay on the bench beside him. Picking it up he tried to straighten the delicate petals that had been crushed by a hand so tormented that the fate of the flower went unnoticed. Bringing the flower close he inhaled and time stood still for one moment as the scent of one gardenia mingled with her scent and assaulted him.   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
Jumping slightly at the intrusion, Sonny looked up to find Johnny standing beside him.   
  
"Hey, Johnny."   
  
"Something is definitely up with you. You don't look good. Care to talk about it?"   
  
"Alexis just walked away again."   
  
"And you didn't go after her?"   
  
"Can't. She's right. All I'll do is hurt her again. It's time I left her alone, Johnny. She's been through enough. And I don't want my daughter to suffer the way I did and she won't with Alexis taking care of her." 

Johnny grew red with anger.  
  
"So, not only are you giving up on the woman you love, but on the daughter that already has her fingers wrapped around your heart. If I had known what a quitter you'd turn out to be I would never have told you she was here or asked you to help out."   
  
"STOP. This is not about me. She deserves better than me. My daughter deserves more."   
  
"Damn, Sonny. Do you always have to be so dense? Listen to yourself. Even now, knowing that when she walked away she took the one thing you've always wanted with her and you're still thinking about her. Don't you get it? That's all she's ever wanted. She's always wanted to be first with you. And now that she is, you sit here and let her walk away."   
  
"I don't want to hurt her anymore." 

Johnny threw his hands up into the air totally put out with Sonny.  
  
"DAMNATION, man. Just what do you think is going on right now? The woman is already hurting. You have the one thing that will stop the hurt and here you sit hoarding it. Go tell her you love her you idiot. And if you don't, those threats I made against your person are fixing to be realized."   
  
"And what about when she remembers Kristina? It's just going to prove to her that she was right all along."   
  
"We'll deal with Kristina when she remembers her. But right now, all she knows is that the man she loves doesn't love her and never has. All she knows is that the man she loves found more reasons to be with that varmint Carly than he did her. Geez, I can even see how offensive that would be and I'm a guy. Are you just going to sit here and let her think that you prefer that trash to her? What's wrong with you, man?"   
  
"Ok. Ok. I get your point, Johnny. Lighten up. Not many people can get away with talking to me like that." 

Johnny relaxed. Sonny was listening.  
  
"I ain't scared of you, Sonny. At least not since you hooked up with a certain lady lawyer again."   
  
"I can see right now that my reputation has suffered a blow."   
  
"Actually that happened when that varmint showed back up at her funeral. You lost a lot of respect that day."   
  
"So, she actually did make a fool out of me!"   
  
"Truth?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Yeah, she made a bigger fool of you than you could ever realize. The boys began to question your ability to make good decisions a long time ago."   
  
"Why did you hang in as long as you did, Johnny?"   
  
"Because I knew that Alexis had your number from the beginning. But then all this happened and I had to choose between you and her. She didn't have anybody on her side. The choice wasn't a hard one. You changed and I couldn't justify trying to protect a man I couldn't respect. Carly did a boner job on you, Sonny. I just couldn't stick it out anymore. I'm sorry, man. I just couldn't do it."   
  
"Don't apologize, Johnny. I don't fault you for the decisions you made. I owe you. You took on a responsibility that should have been mine. Fact of the matter is if I had done things differently she wouldn't have ended up here anyway. I should have been with her at Kristina's funeral. I should have stayed with her, but every time she turned around she was having to look at Carly on my arm. I've hurt her bad, Johnny. I don't know that she'll ever be able to forgive me for everything I've put her through. And now, she has to face the toughest hurt of all."   
  
"She's going to need you, Sonny. She may not know it right now. She may not want to see you right now, but you've got to make her. You have to make her see that you two belong together."   
  
Sonny sat quietly for a moment, thinking. An idea had presented itself to him but he was so unsure of himself now where Alexis was concerned he couldn't tell if it was a good idea or not.   
  
"Johnny, I got this idea we may need to talk to Kevin about. Have you seen him around this morning?"   
  
"No, I think he's still at the hospital right now making rounds. Let's see it's 11:00 now. I reckon he'll be showing up within the hour."   
  
"Good, I'm going to sit here and wait for him. Would you mind going and checking on Alexis? She was in pretty bad shape when she left. I'll call you when Kevin shows and maybe you can slip out to meet us. I want you in on this, Johnny."   
  
"I'll do what I can. But, if I can't, you can catch me up later. I trust you now more than I have in a long time, Sonny. You'll do ok. See ya, later."   
  
Sonny watched Johnny walk away as he had Alexis a few moments before. They both saw something in him worth sticking with. But, he couldn't see it. Reliving the conversation with Alexis earlier he hung his head. How could he have been so blind? Had his bitterness and anger robbed him of his common sense, of his ability to correctly read people. There was a time when he could just look at someone and know what they were thinking or what they were up to, but he couldn't do it anymore. He should have been able to stop Luis Alkazar before it went too far. But he lost his ability to look at the situation objectively... any situation. He had lost that ability a long time ago. He could see why the boys lost respect for him. Looking back over the past couple of years he finally saw the depth of the damage Carly had done to him and the shame of it all came crashing down on him.   
  
"Sonny? You ok?"   
  
Kevin became very concerned when he saw Sonny look up at him. The man was in pain.   
  
"Ok. Tell me what's going on. Something's happened."   
  
"I've never been blind to the fact that I'm a hard man to get along with on my best days. But, I figured I at least had a good grasp on things... you know, my marriage... my business... my friend... that sort of thing. What world have I been living in? Nothing is what I thought it was. I can't understand how I missed so much that was right in front of me. What happened, Kevin?"   
  
'Finally', Kevin thought. A crack in the armor... a break in the arrogance. Maybe now he would listen.   
  
"Ok, buster. Move over. Give me some room."   
  
Looking at Kevin skeptically, Sonny moved over slowly.   
  
"Kevin this is not the time for one of our talks. I'm not in the mood."   
  
"Actually, Sonny I think this is the perfect time. I think maybe now you'll be more receptive to a few truths that have been knocking on your door for a while that you haven't been exactly ready to hear."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Ok first, let's get something cleared up. Whatever I say from here on in is not meant to be an attack on you. I'm just going to be pointing some things out for you to think about. That being said, the first thing I want to ask you is do you think about how your words will be received by the one you intend them for?"   
  
Sonny was struck. He didn't get it. What kind of a question was that?   
  
"Uh, Kevin. What difference does it make? If I have a point to make... I make it. End of discussion."   
  
"Ok. Is that the way you view it with everyone or just certain people?"   
  
"I'm not following."   
  
"Just think about it a minute. Let's say you want something... uhm... something in general. Like maybe you wanted something done... how would you address the matter?"   
  
"I'd tell the person I was talking to what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it done... that would be the end of it."   
  
"And if they didn't comply?"   
  
"There would be repercussions. I'd handle it!"   
  
"And if it were Alexis you were speaking to?"   
  
Sonny stilled. Memories assailed him and he smiled.   
  
"Alexis was different. You didn't tell Alexis anything. You asked, you said 'please', you said 'thank you'... Alexis was different."   
  
"Why was Alexis different?"   
  
"Alexis demanded respect. She earned it. I respected her."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because she respected me. Not because of the business... and not because of the code I live by... she couldn't stand the business and she hated the 'code'. She made that real clear on more than one occasion. It was something else. I'm not entirely sure what it was. Kev?"   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"How did she come out of it all better than I did? I mean she survived all the garbage like I did, but she came out clean. What is it that she has within her that I didn't have?"   
  
"She didn't exactly come out of it clean, but I get what you're asking. One thing was money. Somebody backed her. She also made a conscious decision to overcome the past... to be better... rise above it. With you, when the wave hit, you rode with it. Sonny, it wouldn't be right if I didn't tell you that a lot of what you've been through has been of your own making."   
  
"Why because I wasn't strong enough as a kid to stop it?"   
  
Sonny was becoming angry. He felt like he was being cornered and he always came out fighting if his back was up against a wall.   
  
"Sonny, get hold of your anger. Remember; we're just talking. Just trying to figure things out. I'm only stating what I believe. You don't have to buy into it. If it's off... work it out... calmly. But, you need to understand something here. If something I say causes a violent or intense reaction in you, whether you want to admit it or not, if its close to the truth... your subconscious will react accordingly."   
  
"Explain."   
  
"Ok, let's take your last statement and examine it. Based on one statement I made you immediately made it about weakness, about what happened to you as a kid. You have got to get past that Sonny. It's over and done with. But, you're still living it. I imagine your day begins with it and ends with it. Sonny, we've already discussed this. The bulk of your life has been under the control of your past. You gave the past that control over you. You gave it the power to possess you and you've lived under the detriment of it ever since. You chose your path, Sonny. Just as Alexis, chose hers."   
  
"I did the best I could with the cards I was dealt."   
  
"Yes, you did quite well for yourself, given the start you had."   
  
"It wasn't enough though, was it?"   
  
"What more do you want, Sonny?"   
  
"I would think that's obvious."   
  
"So fight for her."   
  
Sonny stood and began to pace slowly. Convincing Kevin to accept his plan wasn't going to be easy. But, he had to do this. He had to do it for her.   
  
"We've got to give it all back to her, Kevin."   
  
"Give what back?"   
  
"Her memories. We have to give it all back to her... now."   
  
"I don't think that's such a good idea and besides how would you propose doing it?"   
  
"I know how to do it. I know exactly what to do. You have to let me do this for her, Kevin."   
  
"Sonny, she's only been back with us a few days. I don't think she's had long enough to recover from what she's already remembered."   
  
"I know her, Kevin. I know what she can handle. She's a strong woman. You know that. She has more strength in her than you and I both do combined. And it's time to give her life back to her. I want to give it back to her. I took it away from her and now I have to give it back."   
  
"And what if you're wrong. What if she can't handle it? Are you prepared for the probable consequence of forcing her to remember?"   
  
"It will only be with her complete consent. If she doesn't want to do it, then we won't. But, it's got to be her choice now. Kevin, I have to give this to her."   
  
"And what happens if she walks away from you again?"   
  
"Then she walks. But, I will know that for once in my life, I gave my best. I gave her all I had."   
  
"Can you live with that? Can you live with the mother of your child walking away and taking the child with her?"   
  
No response came to his question. He watched Sonny kick at a pebble then turn and slowly walk away.


	53. Chapter 53

  
**_ Chapter 53_**   
  
"Alexis?"   
  
"Not now, Johnny."   
  
"I know you're hurting, but so is he."   
  
"Johnny, I'm asking you not to."   
  
Johnny found her sitting by the window in the living room staring outside. Following her gaze he found what held her attention. Sonny and Kevin were sitting together talking. Pulling up a chair he sat down beside her and reached for her hand. Squeezing slightly he brought her attention to him.   
  
"Alexis, why won't you face what's in your heart?"   
  
"I did that once and look where it got me?"   
  
Her voice grew bitter and Johnny knew instinctively that Alexis had withdrawn completely and shut down any possibility of acknowledging feeling anything for Sonny. Johnny took the only chance he thought left to him.   
  
"I know. He's not worth it, Alexis. He's no good. I'm sorry I told him you were here."   
  
"STOP IT, Johnny. You have no right to talk about him in that manner. You don't know him like I do."   
  
Johnny watched in amusement as she shot up from her chair and turned on him.   
  
"You're right, I don't. I'd say you know him better than anybody. And I'd say you probably know how much he's hurting. So what's standing in your way?"   
  
Alexis sighed wearily when she realized that Johnny was baiting her.   
  
"Johnny, no more games. Just leave me alone please. I've had enough for one day."   
  
"Do you want out of here, Alexis?"   
  
"You know the answer to that. But I won't open myself up to that kind of hurt again and I won't put my daughter in the middle of something that I can't handle myself."   
  
Johnny glanced outside at the two men who sat talking.   
  
"Look out there, Alexis. Look at him. He wouldn't do that for anybody but you."   
  
Alexis walked back to the window and watched as Sonny kicked the pebble at his feet and slowly walk away from Kevin. She closed her eyes and leaned forward resting her head against the coolness of the windowpane.   
  
"I know he's hurting, Johnny. I know how much he's hurting. I've seen him like that before. But, if I give in, both my daughter and I will suffer in the end. He'll get what he wants and go back to business as usual. Where does that leave us? Waiting for Carly to come back or worse... a stray bullet to find the heart of my daughter. He wants his daughter, he wants his attorney and he wants his friend. The only ones that stand to lose in that scenario is his daughter and his friend."   
  
"Alexis, he's trying to work things out. He's spent a lot of time with Kevin. He wants things to be different. Can't you at least give him a little time to work some of this out?"   
  
"How much time does it take for a man to figure out that he lives a dangerous life... that love is give and take... that you put the one you love first in your life. You know that, Johnny. Why can't he see it? Why does everything have to be his way or no way at all?"   
  
"I think he's learning that his way hasn't been the best way."   
  
"Look, what if it were Joy standing in my shoes? Would you still be pushing me this hard to give in?"   
  
"That's not a fair question, Alexis. Joy and I aren't carrying the baggage you two are. Joy is not as strong as you are and I'm not like Sonny."   
  
"No, you're definitely not like Sonny. You're not as arrogant nor are you as self-absorbed as he is."   
  
"So, what it is that drew you to him in the first place? You've got to admit you two are quite an unlikely pair."   
  
Alexis slowly turned from the window and walked over to the sofa. Glancing up at Johnny, she sat down sighing heavily as she settled against the pillows. Closing her eyes she leaned her head back against the cushion and remembered the man she fell in love with.   
  
"He waaasss kind... gentle. He took time with me. He was patient. He never made me feel like I was intruding. That was so unfamiliar to me. No one ever treated me with such respect before. He made me laugh. He confided in me. We were each other's confidants. For once in my life I had someone I could trust, someone I could talk to, lean on. We came from similar backgrounds so we both knew the same kind of hurt. It became a bond that drew us closer together. At least until... things changed."   
  
"Until he got scared you mean?"   
  
Forcing a light chuckle, Alexis did as she always did where Sonny was concerned. She tried to protect him... protect the image he built for himself.   
  
"Scared? Sonny? I thought you knew him better than that Johnny?"   
  
"Actually I thought you knew him better."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"He ran from his feelings just as far and as fast as you did. Then you both started letting things get mucked up."   
  
"I know what he did to Zander, Johnny. He knew what Zander meant to me."   
  
"Ok, let's get this Zander business straightened out once and for all."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"You may know what he did to Zander, but do you know what Zander did to him? If anyone else had done what Zander did, he would have disappeared... forever."   
  
Alexis straightened up with a questioning look at Johnny.   
  
"He gave Roscoe inside information on Sonny's business. The information could have crippled Sonny financially. The boy needed to be taught a lesson."   
  
Alexis leaned forward resting her head in her hands.   
  
"Oh, Zander."   
  
Johnny took a seat beside Alexis on the sofa and waited a moment for Alexis to process the news.   
  
"Why didn't he tell me, Johnny?"   
  
"Would you have listened? What happened the last time Sonny took matters into his own hands where Zander was concerned?"   
  
"It doesn't matter anymore, Johnny. By the time this recent incident with Zander happened Sonny had already set the course he wanted to travel with the woman he wanted to travel it with. He had already turned his back on the man I knew him to be. When I confronted him at the hospital, he knew what he had done and he knew how I would react. He couldn't even look me in the eye, Johnny. He could have told me what was going on right then and given me a chance to respond to the truth of the situation, but he didn't. He kept quiet. He showed no remorse at all. So once again, someone betrays the 'great Sonny Corinthos' and all the fires of hell are not punishment enough for them. I'm sick of his self-righteous attitude. I'm sick of this code he lives by. I'm sick of the double standard he lives by. No one can live up to his expectations."   
  
As each moment of her tirade passed, Alexis became more agitated and the more agitated she became the angrier she got. By the time she had gotten through half of her rant she was pacing. Johnny knew she was making some valid points and he knew that most of her anger was justified. He also knew that Alexis would not be able to see the truth objectively until the anger was released and dealt with. So he added fuel to the fire.   
  
"So, help him realize his faults."   
  
Alexis turned on Johnny with a vengeance. Her anger reaching a new level.   
  
"WHY? WHY SHOULD I? If I can come out of the garbage of my past with a half-way decent view of right and wrong, why can't he? I'll tell you why. He doesn't want to. He's happy being an amoral unforgiving self-absorbed island. He'd rather sit and stew in the muck and mire of his life rather than put forth any effort to achieve anything higher than that. And he has the perfect companion who's willing to crawl into the muck with him and keep him there. If he should ever have any thought about rising out of it, you can be sure Carly will be right there to pull him right back down and make it sound like the most natural thing in the world. I'm through Johnny. I will not crawl into the pit with him and I sure as hell won't put my daughter there."   
  
"Got it all out now? Or do we need to provide more ammunition for you to blow at?"   
  
"So you're manipulating me now, Johnny? I thought you were different. That trick belongs to Sonny."   
  
Johnny smiled sadly and got up from the sofa. Walking toward her he put both arms around her and hugged her.   
  
"I was not manipulating you, Alexis. You needed to face your anger and get it out. You've held and buried it for too long. It's not good to hold that much anger inside for a minute much less the months that you've held it. Don't be mad at me, Alexis. I was only trying to help."   
  
Johnny tightened his hold on her as he felt her arms go around him and a deep heart-wrenching sob escape her control.   
  
"Let it go, partner. Your anger is well deserved. He's put you through hell... I know that. But, I also know he wants to change. He wants something more out of his life. He just doesn't know how to go about getting what he wants. That's why he's talking to Kevin. You see, since he lost you all that he can see is the darkness. You were his light. Kind of like his own personal lighthouse. If he got too far out in the dark all he had to do was look for the lighthouse and he could work his way back. You were home to him."   
  
Pulling away from Johnny, Alexis walked back over to the window as her heart and mind began another war.   
  
"So once again, I'm being asked to stick my neck out and help him come out of this darkness that he seems to love so much. Don't you see, Johnny? If I'm constantly having to be his 'lighthouse' as you call it, when will he ever become strong enough to do what's best for himself on his own? People need to be able to depend on him emotionally at times. His family needs to be able to trust him; they need to know he loves them. But right now that's not possible because they know they can't live up to his standard. So why try? Who wants to constantly be on edge waiting for him to lower the boom because they made a mistake? It's too much, Johnny. You're asking too much of me this time."   
  
"Alexis, I'm asking you to help him become the man that you need him to be, that he wants to be."   
  
"I can't do it. He has to want it enough to do it on his own. He has to want it enough to realize that women like Carly are not good for him. Johnny, he has to want it enough to do what is necessary to finally know without a doubt that he has worth even when standing alone." 

Johnny leaned closer and whispered with care  
  
"Just as you have to realize the very same thing." 

Alexis turned and took a few steps away from him before turning back to agree halfheartedly with his statement.  
  
"Look, Johnny. I know I have worth. I'm good at what I do."   
  
"Alexis, you're good at who you are." 

She didn't want to deal with anything else. And knowing he was now trying to make another _point_ with her she decided to end their conversation.  
  
"Johnny, I'm tired. Can we stop this? I'd like to... stop this."   
  
And again, Johnny watched her retreat inside herself. Walking over to her he took hold of her and turned her to face him.   
  
"Alexis, look at me."   
  
Johnny waited until she raised her eyes to meet his.   
  
"Just so you know, I care about you. I'm only pushing because I care... because you're worth it to me. I love you, partner and I want you to be happy."   
  
She stepped away from him and turned to go to her room. He overheard her quiet words as she entered her room and closed the door behind her.   
  
"If only he cared half as much as you do."   
  
His shoulders sagged at the hurt and defeat he heard in her voice. He wanted so much to help her and Sonny come back together. But, now he held more concerns than ever regarding the two of them. Yes, they were good together for awhile. But, there was a lot of anger and hurt they needed to get past before they could even think of trying to get back what they lost. And right now, Johnny didn't see how it could happen. Sonny couldn't see beyond his own need and Alexis was simply afraid of the idea of Sonny... of what opening herself up to him again could do to her and what his kind of life could mean to the health of her child as well as herself.


	54. Chapter 54

  
**_ Chapter 54_**   
  
Johnny left the suite to give Alexis time alone to deal with her thoughts and he began a slow pondering walk of his own around the grounds. There had to be something he could do to help his friends get past the problems they were facing and come to some sort of reconciliation. He didn't think things could look any more hopeless given Alexis had retreated behind a wall of self-preservation and it appeared Sonny was giving up all together.   
  
Coming up on a soda can on the ground he began kicking it down the path in front of him absentmindedly trying to keep it on the walkway. Being so heavy in thought he jumped as the can was suddenly kicked back at him. Looking up in surprise he saw who had sent the can back his way. Grimacing at the ragged worn face of the man in front of him, Johnny completed the distance between them and slapped him on the back companionably.   
  
"I think it's about time you and I had a talk, Sonny. You up for it?"   
  
"Is she ok, Johnny? Is Alexis ok?"   
  
"No, she's not and neither are you. You ready to hear a few truths without, as she would put it, 'lowering the boom' on me?"   
  
"She talked to you about me?"   
  
"Did she ever! And I can tell you right now that I am definitely fixing to cross a line that could cost me her friendship, but I think it's a line that needs to be crossed, because you two simply do not know how to talk to each other anymore. Let's take a walk around to the east side of the building. I don't want her to see me talking to you and stop me before we get done."   
  
"She's pretty angry with me isn't she?"   
  
"Yes, and she's hurt, Sonny? You did a bang up job on her."   
  
"I know what she's going through, Johnny."   
  
"No, I don't think you have a clue what she's going through right now. Take what you think you know about how much she's hurt and multiply it by 100. When you've done that then add just as much anger to it and you may come close to half of what she's feeling. Not to mention how scared of you she is right now. With all those negative feelings bombarding her just imagine what it's doing to her to know that regardless of all that, she still loves you. Now if you really want to get a good picture of where she's at, try adding on top of all that other stuff the fact that she still has memories lost out there somewhere that she's also scared of. Now do you get the picture?"   
  
"You know, If she'd just give me a chance to tell her I love her then everything would be ok and we could just start all over again. But, that's not going to happen is it?"   
  
Johnny stopped dead still and just stared at Sonny. How can any one person be so blind and selfish? Johnny started walking again while shaking his head. Hearing Sonny call his name he turned back and waited for Sonny to catch up. Looking at the man who stood beside him now, for the first time since all this started Johnny regretted bringing Sonny here. He wasn't sure anymore if he wanted Sonny and Alexis together. But, in her heart, Alexis wanted it and that was what was important to Johnny.   
  
"If I had a say in this right now, I'd dropkick your butt all the way to Canada and back. Man, you need help."   
  
Sonny felt the anger start to rise within him and mentally began trying to back away from it.   
  
"Johnny, you need to back off a little. I don't need this from you."   
  
"Well, you certainly need it from somebody. You don't have one clue about how totally selfish you really are, do you? Are you sure you're here to help Alexis or are you just here to make sure you get another notch on your belt?"   
  
Johnny didn't see it coming and suddenly found himself flat on his back nursing a tender jaw. He looked up at the man that stood above him and saw red. Jumping up he rushed at Sonny, picked him up bodily and slammed him against the nearest tree. Holding him there he looked intently into the man's eyes. What he saw stopped him cold. Sonny was hurting almost as much as Alexis was and he was just as scared, the only difference was Johnny had never seen Sonny unsure of himself. There was a lost look in his eyes that staggered Johnny. Lowering him slowly to the ground. Johnny backed away.   
  
"I'm sorry, Sonny. When it comes to Alexis, I have a tendency to act without thinking. You didn't deserve that."   
  
Straightening his clothes and wiping them down, Sonny took a few extra moments to calm down before answering Johnny.   
  
"I know I have a few problems to deal with Johnny. But, I don't know what to do next. I don't want to hurt her anymore, but I don't see a way around it. And I want all of this over for her."   
  
"You know what hurts people the most when they're around you?"   
  
"No, but I have a feeling you're fixing to tell me."   
  
"No insult intended, Sonny... just my honest opinion. This is the way we outsiders see it. You sit in your penthouse on the 17th floor of the Harbor View Tower and look down your nose at all the little peons beneath you thinking you have a right to because of where you came from. It's wrong, Sonny. Everybody comes from somewhere. Ok, so some people have to crawl out of a deeper hole... but, that doesn't make them any better than anybody else. It just makes them stronger. You know what you remind me of sometimes? Have you ever seen a gorilla sitting in the midst of a whole lot of other animals of their kind? He sits there beating on his chest as if to say 'I'm the biggest and the baddest. Don't anybody mess with me'."   
  
Highlighting his words with action, Johnny stuck out his chest and began beating on it bringing a chuckle from Sonny.   
  
"I don't think it's that bad, Johnny."   
  
"Wanna bet?"   
  
"I'm proud of what I was able to overcome, Johnny."   
  
"That's fine, Sonny. But, you don't have to beat everybody over the head with it."   
  
"I don't discuss my past with people, Johnny."   
  
"I know that. I'm not talking about what you say. I'm talking about how you treat people. I imagine you came closer to treating Alexis as more of an equal than you have anyone else you've ever known. She came from just as much of a difficult past as you did, but she has never once made me feel inferior. That's one of the differences between you two. She looks at people for what she can learn from them or how she can help them. You look at everybody and try to figure out what you can get out of them. And I have to include Alexis in that as well. You needed a lawyer, you needed a friend, you needed this and you needed that. What about her! There for a while I thought you were coming out of it with the way you were treating her, but in the end it always came back to you. When Alexis is on steady ground she's always there to help you in your next disaster. Sure, I may be off a bit, but I can't imagine I'm off by much. I just can't understand why you couldn't see the total line she walked for you. She even turned her back on what she believed a couple of times for you and you treated her like it was no big deal. It was business as usual for you, but for her... It was a big deal, Sonny. But, because she gave herself completely to the cause of Sonny Corinthos she remained quiet about it... to keep you happy. She buried a part of herself to keep you safe."   
  
"I've always known that it was me that needed her. Do you know what it's like to look at a woman like Alexis and know that there's not one damn thing in this world that she could possibly need from a man like me. That's it, Johnny. Alexis doesn't need me... she never has. Whatever I thought I may have been to her, she could just as well get that from Jax, Ned, Kristina or someone else. Well, not Kristina; I took that from her as well."   
  
Johnny stopped walking again and reached to grab Sonny's arm with a vise like grip.   
  
"We are not going to get anywhere here if you do a swan dive into self-pity. There is a woman in that building over there who is absolutely convinced that she does need you in her life and she's fighting it with every ounce of strength she has. It's a battle she's losing and she knows it. I threw a couple of insults your way to get her talking and she turned on me like a mama bear defending her cubs. So don't even try to tell me she doesn't need you. I'm damned if I understand why she does, but she does. Look, I know a bit about what you did for her, but you're letting that brain of yours get clouded again so you can't see it any longer. So, let's go back to the beginning. What is it you saw in Alexis that made her different from every other woman you've ever known?"   
  
Sonny took a seat on a bench near by, exhaled heavily and leaned back with a half smile on his face. Just remembering how they had started changed his whole expression. His face relaxed and the tension in his body fell away.   
  
"She's smart, Johnny. She's one of those women you grow up wanting to have in your life, but you know she's out of your league so you're left just dreaming about her. She's the classiest, sexiest, most beautiful woman I know and she doesn't have a clue she's any of those things which makes her even more desirable. And for a little while, it wasn't just a dream anymore for me. She was a part my life. I couldn't imagine going a day without seeing her. It fascinated me the way she could run off a whole argument with herself without stopping once for a breath of air. We had fun teasing each other. She... she had this way of looking at me... it felt like she was touching my soul... reaching down and pulling the very best out of me. I didn't want to screw it up so I tried to make sure not to put it on a personal level. But, it didn't work. The longer I knew her, the more time we spent together... she always left me wanting more. I knew I'd screw it up. Someone like her... just doesn't fit with someone like me. But in all the time I've known her and with everything she knows about me I never once... not once saw pity in her eyes when she looked at me."   
  
"Don't you think that's something worth fighting for? Or do you intend on giving up on the best thing that has ever happened to you in your miserable life."   
  
"Johnny, I don't know what to do next with Alexis. I don't know what she wants from me."   
  
"Sonny, she wants what every woman wants. She wants to be loved. I know she had some kind of thing with Ashton for awhile, but you can tell there was something missing. Look, I don't know a lot about Alexis before she came to Port Charles, but every woman who was loved and accepted as a child has a certain confidence about her. Alexis doesn't have that confidence. I don't think Alexis knows what it is to be completely loved and accepted. That's where you come in if you can get past this obsession you have with yourself. Sonny, she needs what only you can give her. It's time for you to start making some sacrifices now."   
  
"What kind of sacrifices?"   
  
"The kind of sacrifices that tell a woman she's loved... that she's the most important thing in your life. First, no more business at home. Leave it at the office. When you walk in that door in the evening, everything becomes about you and her. Don't make her take a backseat to the business. If you give her your complete attention, she will give you everything she's got and more. If you show her every day how much you love her, she will plan her days around you and make it her life's work to give you what you need. Make every day special in some way or another... Make her your highest priority. For every moment you give to her, she will give that moment and so much more back to you... because she wants to. It's a matter of priority. You give your best to her and she will give her best to you."   
  
"It doesn't sound very easy."   
  
"It's not, Sonny. And it will be the hardest thing in the world for you to do because it will be a totally new concept for you. You've never completely given yourself to anyone before. There are going to be days when you come home where you are totally exhausted and the last thing you want to do is listen to anything from anybody. Those are the days that you're going to have to force yourself to do what is necessary to keep the lines of communication open between you. If you let one day go by without making it special, then it will become easier and easier to let it happen more and more and soon you'll have a mountain to climb to get back the relationship you want to have with her and she'll be the one that suffers the most."   
  
"You make it seem like I'm incapable of having a relationship with anyone."   
  
"Ok, let me ask you something. Outside of Alexis what's the most important thing to you?"   
  
"My family."   
  
"How do you show it?"   
  
"By protecting them, providing for them and keeping them safe."   
  
"What if that's not what they want from you?"   
  
"What more is there?"   
  
"What about love?"   
  
"Well I wouldn't be doing any of that if I didn't love them."   
  
"So you give them everything you think they could ever want or need; except the one thing they want the most. You! They don't get you, Sonny. You don't invest yourself in them at all. If you want a relationship with Alexis, that's going to have to change. Have you ever considered what would happen if you treated your family like you treat your business and your business like your family. You might want to think about that, Sonny. It's called 'cultivating'."   
  
"Cultivating?"   
  
"Yeah, cultivating. If you want something to grow, you cultivate it. You feed it, fertilize it, care for it... you know nurse it just like you would a tree or something... like you'd do for a baby only leave off the fertilizer, that wouldn't be so good for a baby."   
  
Both men chuckled at the imagery Johnny was presenting. Sonny listened intently to Johnny. It sounded like the man knew what he was talking about and judging by the way Alexis and Joy both acted around him... it seemed like what he was saying worked for him, but Sonny couldn't imagine it working for him.   
  
"Johnny, I've been this way all my life... and it's worked for me."   
  
"Has it? Don't try snowing me this late in the game. I've been around too long to buy it. Yeah, you've got problems, but they are not insurmountable. You need to spend more time with Kevin and I would suggest you find some way of not looking at everything solely based on how it pertains to you. You're not an island; you're a man who has the same needs as every other man has. And you're not the sun; everything doesn't revolve around you. You want Alexis, fight for her. You want a healthy relationship with her, fight for it. The ball is in your court now, Sonny. It's up to you how you play it."


	55. Chapter 55

**__**

Chapter 55   
  
"I'm through messing around here, Kevin. It's time to get down to business. I know what I want and you gotta help me get it."   
  
When Sonny left Johnny he went in search of Kevin. For the first time in a long time he was hopeful that he could actually be the man he wanted to be, the man 'she' needed him to be.   
  
"Uh... Sonny, I'm in the middle of something here. Why don't you give me a couple of hours to finish up and then come on back and we'll talk."   
  
"Oh... you got somebody with you?"   
  
"No. I'm just involved with something that I need to finish."   
  
"Can't it wait. This is important. I need to talk to you now."   
  
"Is somebody dying?"   
  
"No."   
  
Kevin leaned against the doorjamb and studied Sonny for a moment.   
  
"Then it can wait, right? I mean, the only real problem I'm seeing here is that you seem to have something you want to talk about right now. And you are showing a total lack of respect for me, my time, and the rest of the patients that I deal with by demanding my attention; which is clearly elsewhere right now. I am simply asking for you to wait a couple of hours. Do you think that's too much to ask given the fact that I've been right there for you every time you've come looking for me?"   
  
"Ok, I get your point. I don't like it, but I get it. I'll see you in a couple of hours."   
  
"Fine, see you then."   
  
Turning away, Sonny headed toward the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. It hadn't been easy to contain his anger at Kevin's refusal to see him, but he had. He wasn't use to not getting his way when he wanted something. It was a very rare occasion that he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it.   
  
Sitting down at a table away from the crowd, Sonny began nursing a cup of coffee as a vision of Alexis settled in his head. Speaking quietly to himself he spoke his heart.   
  
'How can I keep you in my life, Alexis? I want you with me... I'm spending my days now just waiting for you... for just a word... a glance. I've never let someone have this much control over me and you don't even know you have it. You have become the center of my world and I want to be the center of yours. How do we get there, Alexis? What do I do to keep you with me? I can't force you to be with me... I can't work my way into your life... only you can let me in. Damn, Alexis. I need you to let me in. I want to be a part of you the same way you have become a part of me.'   
  
As he sat there talking quietly to the woman of his heart a lone forbidden tear dropped from his cheek as a yearning need of her engulfed him. As Sonny sat reflecting on the woman that captured his heart, Alexis was in the midst of a conversation of her own regarding the man she was trying to escape.   
  
"Ned, if you can't respect my wishes regarding the topic of conversation, then we are going to have to end it here."   
  
Johnny received a call from Ned after he departed company with Sonny. Ned wanted to call Alexis and check on her. Johnny again let him know that the subject of Kristina was still off limits, and that he would have to allow Alexis the control over what could and could not be discussed. Johnny told Ned that he would let Alexis know that he wanted to talk to her and if it was 'OK' with her then she would call him. For extra measure, Johnny also informed him of the consequences if Ned upset her in any way.   
  
"I'm just saying that at least now you know that you need to stay away from Sonny. You wouldn't be in this predicament if you had stayed away from him in the first place," replied Ned. 

Alexis had already been on the phone for fifteen minutes defending her relationship with Sonny without any success. With all that she was now having to face emotionally with Kevin, Sonny and herself, she just wasn't in the mood to fight with Ned.

  
"You know, Ned. I'm a little tired of being the nail under your hammer. In fact I'm sick of it."   
  
"What do you mean by that?"   
  
"I mean that every time you think I need to learn a lesson from you or you think I'm wrong about something you start hammering at me like you were driving a nail into a board or something. I'm sick of it, Ned. In the short time I've known Sonny he has never made me feel as inadequate as you do on a regular basis. I have a mind of my own. I don't need you around constantly telling me what to do, how to do, what to feel or how to feel. I'm a big girl who is capable of knowing when I'm being played. And Sonny has never played me. He may not know how to deal with a lot of things, but making me feel inferior was never something I had to worry about with him. That was always your job. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I have a much bigger fight on my hands right now and I don't need this from you. I don't need to be rescued by you, I am capable of handling this on my own; but if I should need any help... I have what I need here. Now, as angry as I am with you right now, it still remains that I don't want to lose you as a friend. So please think about what I said before you call back here."   
  
With that, Alexis hung up the phone and turned to find Johnny standing behind her.   
  
"I'm afraid I may have just lost a friend, Johnny."   
  
"You did what was necessary to protect yourself. Give him some time to think about what you said. He'll come around. You told the truth."   
  
"Every time I get that angry, words just come flying out of my mouth and I can't seem to stop them. I know I should keep my mouth shut when I get angry and most of the time I can. But, it seems that since I've been here... I just don't have as much control over my tongue as I would like."   
  
"Alexis, was there anything you said that wasn't the truth?"   
  
"No, it was the truth."   
  
"How long have you felt that way?"   
  
"Quite a while."   
  
"Which means that you stuffed it, right?"   
  
"Stuffed it?"   
  
"Yeah, you stuffed it down so it couldn't come out. Which is a part of what I was trying to tell you the other day. Remember... the damage they cause you. By giving it to him like you just did, you avoided stuffing more damage. Alexis, you did good! And don't worry, he'll be back." 

She was relieved to see the twinkle appear in his eye.  
  
"What makes you so sure?"   
  
"Because I happen to know you. And knowing you is worth enduring a few hard truths spoken from a heart full of love and caring. He'll be back because he knows what he'll be missing if he doesn't come back and he won't take that chance. And neither will Sonny."   
  
"I don't want to talk about Sonny, Johnny."   
  
"Yeah, I know. But, I just left him and what I saw today threw me."   
  
Alexis' heart stilled at the concern she now saw on Johnny's face regarding Sonny.   
  
"What do you mean? Is he ok, Johnny?"   
  
"Right now, I think he's looking for Kevin."   
  
"What happened? Johnny, you didn't tell him that you and I talked about him. Please tell me you didn't."   
  
"Not much. But, Alexis... he made me mad. Mad enough to throw him up against a tree and that's when I saw it. Gave me chills."   
  
Alexis felt fear rise within her and she caught hold of Johnny's hand and drew him to sit on the sofa beside her.   
  
"Tell me, Johnny. Tell me what happened."   
  
"Well, you know that thing he does about thinking he knows what everybody needs and how he knows he can fix it. Well, he started in on that kind of garbage and I accused him of being here just to make sure he got another notch on his belt."   
  
"_JOHNNY_, you didn't? I imagine you heard a mouthful over that one."   
  
"Well, no. But, I did have to pick myself up off the ground."   
  
"He _HIT_ you."   
  
"He slugged me good. I didn't think he had it in him, but I got so mad I rushed him and threw him against the nearest tree I could find... "   
  
Alexis watched as a pained expression crossed Johnny's face. Taking his hand in her own, she encouraged him to continue.   
  
"Go on, Johnny. Tell me the rest."   
  
"It was what I saw in his eyes. I mean, sure he was hurting and he was angry, but it was the other things I saw that threw me."   
  
"What was it, Johnny?"   
  
"He's scared for one. But, that's not the worst of it. I've never seen Sonny unsure of himself. He's always got some idea of what to do or how to do something. But, what I noticed more than anything else when I looked at him was he just looks... lost."   
  
Alexis let go of Johnny's hand, stood and walked to the window. Her heart was breaking for Sonny. Johnny's description of Sonny dissolved all of her efforts to remain detached from Sonny. She wanted to go to him and take him in her arms and comfort him. But, she knew she wouldn't. She couldn't. As much as she loved him, she was also that unsure. It seemed he was as unsure of her as she was of him now. Johnny may not have seen Sonny like that before, but she had. And she knew without having to see him that he was probably torturing himself. If she knew anything at all about Sonny, given as much time as she spent with him, it was the fact that he put himself through hell if he thought he had failed someone he cared about.   
  
She wanted with all her heart to see him... to be near him... to hold him. With the heaviest of hearts she turned from the window and gazed at Johnny.   
  
"Make sure he doesn't do anything to hurt himself or anyone else, Johnny. Don't let him sink into that hole again. I'm asking you to take care of him for me, Johnny. Promise me, you'll take care of him, make sure he stays safe."   
  
Alexis walked back over to Johnny and bent to kiss him on the cheek.   
  
"Please, Johnny. Take care of him for me."   
  
Johnny saw the tears steadily traveling down her cheeks and knew she was giving in to his care the most precious part of her heart and it was costing her everything.   
  
"So you're walking away?"   
  
"I have to."   
  
Johnny stood and watched her walk into her bedroom and take a seat in the chair beside the window. Even with her back to him, he saw the evidence of her grief as the tears she couldn't withhold racked her body with grief. He quietly walked up behind her and put his arms around her from behind and returned her kiss on the cheek. With the evidence of his own emotions betraying him he gave her what she asked for.   
  
"I'll take care of him, Alexis. Don't worry, I'll do what has to be done to keep him safe. Just don't worry. Someday all of this will be over for both of you and you'll be together as you should have been all along."   
  
He gently patted the hand that came up to close around his then stood to go in search of Joy. He needed a little comforting of his own before he could do anything else. Finding Joy at the nurse's station he asked if she had a few minutes.   
  
Joy knew by the look on Johnny's face that he was hurting. Turning to the other girls she excused herself then turned back to Johnny taking his hand and leading him to an empty suite down the hall. Closing the door behind them she took him in her arms and gently held him until he could regain control of the emotions that he could no longer hold back. Murmuring words of love and comfort she stroked the back of his head and his shoulders until he quieted enough to tell her what happened.   
  
Johnny filled her in on his conversation with Sonny and what all had happened. As he started to tell her about Alexis his voice broke again. Joy sat down on the sofa and motioned him to join her. Instead of sitting down beside her Johnny kneeled beside her and putting his arms around her waist lay his head in her lap.   
  
"Joy, please don't ever doubt how much I love you. Don't ever think that you are not important to me. Always know that you come first and you are the best part of me. Never forget that."   
  
Lifting his head so she could look into his eyes, once again Joy saw the proof of his love radiating from his soul and she kissed him tenderly.   
  
"I know you love me, Johnny. I know that I come first. You prove it every moment of every day. And you know that I love you just as much. Now tell me. What do we need to do to help them?"   
  
Getting up from his knees he sat down beside Joy and took her into his arms and held on to her.   
  
"I don't know anymore, Joy. I honestly don't know. You can see, hell anybody can see how much they love each other. Sonny's trying to do what he thinks he has to do in order to be with her and she's just plain running. She's scared out of her mind and she's trying to protect the baby too. She knew Sonny was hurting, but now she knows how much and instead of trying to help him she asked me to take care of him and make sure he stays ok. Joy, it would have broke your heart if you had seen what just happened in that room with Alexis. I just don't know what to do anymore."   
  
"Well sweetheart, it seems to me like you should probably go see Dr. Collins and get his advice on what needs to be done now. Tell him what all has been going on and just see what he thinks. It may be that you just need to take a step back and let the two of them try to work things out on their own now. Alexis has started talking to Dr. Collins now and maybe that's what it's going to take to open her eyes to a few old fashion truths. Besides, as much as I love Alexis... this is beginning to take a toll on you and I'm getting a little worried about you. I know you want to help your friend, but I think you've gotten a bit too close to the situation. Maybe we should take a couple of days off and get away from here. Focus on something else for awhile then when we come back, maybe we'll have a more objective view. What do you think?"   
  
Hugging her to him, Johnny smiled.   
  
"I think you're an awful smart cookie. The only problem I have with it is the amount of time. Can we just make it one day? Like say we leave tonight and come back tomorrow night?"   
  
"Sounds like a wonderful plan. Why don't you go talk to Kevin first? Make sure he doesn't have a problem with it considering the turn of events. If he's ok with it then while you go talk to Alexis, I'll call for a nurse to stay with her until we get back. That ok with you?"   
  
Reaching up to caress her cheek, Johnny stared lovingly into her eyes.   
  
"You know, my grandmother was right. It is possible to love someone more with every passing day. I love you so much, Joy. And I can't wait to make you my wife."   
  
"Well, buster. The feeling is mutual. Now get going. I'll go start dinner for Alexis and wait for you there. If Dr. Collins agrees to the plan we'll spend the evening with her before we leave."   
  
Kissing her on the cheek, Johnny took off trotting down the hall in search of Kevin. Entering the waiting room outside Kevin's office he found Sonny just arriving as well.   
  
"Hey, Sonny."   
  
"Johnny. You look like you're in a hurry. What's up?"   
  
"Joy and I want to take a day off and I wanted to make sure it was ok with Kevin before we did."   
  
"What about Alexis?"   
  
"That's why I'm asking Kevin first. Don't worry, Sonny. If he thinks it's a bad idea then we won't do it."   
  
Knocking on the door, he waited for Kevin to answer and shook his head slightly at the frown on Sonny's face. He understood where Sonny was coming from, but once again he was holding true to form and thinking of no one else outside the periphery of who he held most important. The thought did occur to him that at least he was thinking of Alexis first right now. Johnny just wished he could be more consistent in his efforts of putting Alexis first. As Kevin opened the door, Johnny felt his excitement rise. He was now thinking of a day alone with Joy.   
  
Ten minutes later, Johnny was running back to the suite with a huge grin on his face. Kevin assured him that he would pay extra attention to Alexis during Johnny's absence and that he would take care of the nursing situation himself so Joy wouldn't have to be bothered. Kevin slapped him on the back and thanked him profusely for the way he was taking care of Alexis since her admission. Proving his gratitude Kevin called the Port Charles hotel and secured them a room for the evening and the following day at the cost of the sanitarium. All expenses would be paid by the sanitarium.   
  
As Johnny neared the suite he slowed his pace almost to a standstill. He was worried about what this little trip of his would mean to Alexis. Coming to a stop in front of the door, he paused... took a deep breath then went in.   
  
As he entered he smelled the unmistakable aroma of steaks being sautéed in onions and peppers and grinned. Joy was cooking his favorite. Just thinking of her made his heart beat faster and he walked swiftly toward the kitchen. Both Joy and Alexis were in the kitchen. And as usual it was Joy at the stove while Alexis hovered near by.   
  
"Hey, guys."   
  
Walking closer to Alexis he kissed her on the cheek then went and put his arms around Joy and kissed her properly.   
  
"Uh, Johnny... do I need to make myself scarce? I mean, geez, in the kitchen?"   
  
Johnny let go of Joy just enough to turn toward Alexis with a twinkle in his eye.   
  
"Sorry, partner. Couldn't help myself. She's quite tasty if you know what I mean."   
  
"Ok, that's a little more than I needed to know. You guys call when supper's ready."   
  
Johnny laughed outright as the blush from his own words began to recede and reached to catch her arm as she started to leave.   
  
"Hey, don't go. I'm just teasing you. Besides I have something I need to talk to you about. Come on, have a seat with me."   
  
Alexis was enjoying Johnny's good mood. He had a beautiful smile and she loved to tease it out of him every chance she got.   
  
"What.. are you fixing to turn me over to the big bad wolf?"   
  
She became alarmed at the change that came over him with her attempt at a little humor.   
  
"Johnny? What's wrong?" She misunderstood his look of guilt. " Oh... I see. You're leaving. Well... uhm... that's ok. I'll be fine, Johnny. You and Joy do need to start your own life now. You go ahead. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."   
  
"No. No, Alexis. That's not it."   
  
Johnny shot a dumbfounded look toward Joy and when she started to jump in to help him he shook his head no. He needed to alleviate Alexis' fears himself. Reaching over the table he took her hands in his.   
  
"Hey, look at me partner. I told you when we started this that I was in it till the end. I don't go back on my word; especially my word to you. Joy and I are just going to be away for a little while. We'll be back tomorrow evening. But, if you need me to stay I will. We can take a little trip later. Right, Joy?"   
  
"Absolutely."   
  
Alexis looked up at the two of them and realized what they needed and felt immediate shame at not being more in tune with the needs of the ones who had come to mean so much to her. Bowing her head slightly, she shook it back and forth then attempted to apologize for her lack of attention to them.   
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny... Joy. I'm sorry for taking you for granted and not paying more attention to what you needed. Go... have a good time. You have more than earned it. Why don't you stay away longer and make a real vacation of it."   
  
Johnny tugged at her hand to get her attention.   
  
"I'll tell you why I won't stay away longer. It's because I can't. I can't leave you alone that long. If I stayed away longer than that then Joy would suffer. Any longer than one day then I would hurt her because even though my heart would be with her, my head would be here worrying about you. I won't do that to Joy. If I can't give her my full attention on a trip like this, then I'm not the man she deserves. I love her too much to only give her part of me. Know what I mean?"   
  
Alexis looked in wonder at Johnny then laughed in unbelief.   
  
"Johnny, are you sure I can't talk you into giving a class at PCU on how men should treat women? I'm sure I could fill your first class with just the men I know. I'd even pay your salary. Go, both of you have fun. I'll be here when you get back. Now, I think I'll leave you two alone for awhile. I have a book that has been keeping me quite entertained lately. Call when dinner's ready and we'll enjoy a visit free of stress for a change."   
  
As Alexis left the room Joy launched herself into the arms of Johnny.   
  
"Is that really why you didn't want to stay away more than one day?"   
  
"Yes, Joy. It was the truth."   
  
Joy hugged him with all the strength she had then kissed him with a fierceness that would have alarmed her had it been anyone but Johnny she held in her arms.   
  
"Johnny, it will always be the greatest mystery to me how I was gifted with as special a man as you to spend the rest of my life with. I have no words to tell you just what you mean to me and how much I love you."   
  
"Joy, I feel the same way you do. Now come on. Let's get this meal finished so we can get out of here. I have a surprise for you."   
  
Johnny laughed wholeheartedly as Joy jumped from his arms and began racing around the kitchen to get everything done in record time. Thinking of another special lady he held close in his heart he quietly murmured 'See, Nana Rose. Don't you just love her?' Johnny left the kitchen quietly to go to his room to finish preparing Joy's surprise.


	56. Chapter 56

  
**_ Chapter 56_**   
  
"Okay. You have my attention now. What can I do for you, Sonny?"   
  
Looking around the room, Sonny felt confined standing in the middle of Kevin's office.   
  
"Can we take a walk or maybe go to the cafeteria?"   
  
"Sure thing, Sonny. Why don't we just take a walk? I wouldn't want to run into anyone we know until I know more about what you're needing from me this afternoon."   
  
A few moments later, the two men were enjoying the fresh air and a cool breeze that settled in to lazily play among the leaves of the trees.   
  
Sonny inhaled deeply and let it go slowly.   
  
"Johnny got me to thinking about something. He told me to try and think about what it would be like if I treated the people I care about the way I treat my business and vice versa. What do you think about that?"   
  
"I find it quite an interesting thought. Did you give it a try?"   
  
"Yeah, I did."   
  
"And?"   
  
"I think Johnny's just a bit too big for his pants. How did he get so smart anyway?"   
  
"From what I gather, he had a pretty terrific grandmother who made it her business to instill in him the value of honor, respect and the importance of reverencing women. He makes most of us guys look pretty sad given what the grapevine around here is spreading around. Don't get me wrong. From what I hear he's got a very healthy view of how to treat the women he comes in contact with. I can't even get a cup of coffee around here without being subjected to the magnificent wonders of the great Johnny. To be perfectly honest with you the guy's beginning to get on my nerves."   
  
"So it's a bunch of nonsense."   
  
"Hell no. I'm not saying that at all. But the rest of us suffer because of men like him. It takes the love of a mother or in his case a grandmother totally dedicated to teaching the art of loving and taking care of women to build a man like that."   
  
"So what happens to the guys who didn't have... "   
  
Kevin looked over at Sonny who wore a dead expression on his face. He finally realized what Sonny wanted from him. Sonny was looking for answers in how to tell a woman he loved her without actually saying it. More than likely because he was so inept at expressing himself verbally and because he didn't place any trust in the spoken word. Putting himself on the same plane with Sonny, Kevin answered as best he could.   
  
"We start from scratch. It becomes trial by error for us. If we were smart we'd lay down the pride that we hang onto with such a death grip and tell them we need their help. I have to tell you, though. I was never able to do it. So I fumbled around in the dark until I hit on something that worked and went with it. Given your situation though, I'm not entirely sure you have that kind of time to work with."   
  
"I don't. I'm running out of time just as fast as she's running away from me. I don't want to lose her. But, I just don't know what she wants from me."   
  
"I think you do, Sonny. You just don't want to give it up."   
  
"What? My business?"   
  
"No, Sonny. This has nothing to do with your business. This has to do with you as a man and what she needs from you. Ever since you walked onto these premises you've been going at this whole problem from your point of view. Have you once considered trying to look at it from her point of view? Of how she's seeing things? Hang on a minute, let's go at this from a different angle. Think a minute. Let's work this out from your standpoint first, then we'll try to look at it from her standpoint? Tell me what your basic goal in life is?"   
  
"One goal? Kevin, I have several goals?"   
  
"That's good, but it remains that everyone has one major goal in life. Sometimes it's subconscious and sometimes its not. But it is what drives us to make the choices we make. There are other goals that we make over the years, but more often than not they are an extension of the one basic goal that is most important to us. The one goal that when attained will set us free from some type of bondage that keeps us chained to whatever fear it is that plagues us. Whether it is a fear of being poor, of being unsuccessful, unloved, alone... whatever it is that weighs us down so much that we bend under the weight of it. What is it that you are most afraid of, Sonny?"   
  
Silence met his question, and Kevin looked over at Sonny. He could tell that Sonny already knew the answer to the question, but didn't want to put voice to it.   
  
"Sonny, you and I already know the answer. The only way we are going to deal with it and get past it is for you to acknowledge it... face it and admit its power over you."   
  
"Being alone, too far gone to be able to be... "   
  
Sonny stopped. The war within him was threatening to take over. Changing courses, he left the sidewalk and started off across the lawn.   
  
Shaking his head, full of concern for the man who fought daily to keep the fears from overtaking him, Kevin took off after Sonny and caught up with him.   
  
"Would it help if I said it, Sonny?"   
  
Hearing the silence he expected, Kevin said the words for him.   
  
"You're afraid that you've let so much come between you that Alexis will never love you again... that you will in fact spend the rest of your life alone in some way if Alexis doesn't return what you feel for her."   
  
The pain that came over Sonny's face caused Kevin to soften his words.   
  
"Sonny, she's not the type to turn love on and off because of circumstance. If you have any doubt of that then let's take a look at what causes her to remain chained to her own fears. You've told me a lot about what happened with her before she came to Port Charles. First, she grew up without a mother's love. That's pretty devastating to a child as you should already know. She grew up without a father's love. You had your own problems there as well, but you did have a father for a while. She didn't. From what I get from her brother Stephan, about the only love Alexis could depend on was from him and if I'm reading it right, manipulative ties bound even that love. So naturally, Alexis is not going to give herself up to love easily. But, when she does it's going to mean much more to her than it would to most people. Now I seem to recall she was involved in a relationship with Ned Ashton for awhile. Do you know anything about it?"   
  
"Yeah, she talked to me about several times. Ashton was always trying to force his ideas on her... make her see things his way. He didn't respect her as an individual. But, she held on. She was always afraid of disappearing... losing who she was to him."   
  
"So, why do you think she hung on so long?"   
  
"Because whatever faults he had, I believe he did love her. He just didn't know how to treat her. It was all about him trying to control her."   
  
"So, once again love has not lived up to its reputation for her. Is it any wonder that she runs from it as hard as she does? Something happened between you and Alexis that caused her to lose her heart to you. It makes all the sense in the world to me that she makes every effort to hide it not only from herself, but also from everyone else. Love has always hurt Alexis in some way or another. Let's say we now add in the fact that there was one person who came into her life that loved her unconditionally. Her sister. One person has now come into her life that fights for her against all odds. This is something new to Alexis. She grabs onto it with both hands and holds it close to her heart. Then something happens and all of a sudden that love is gone too."   
  
"Because of me."   
  
"She is unaware of your part in that at this point. But, subconsciously without actually being aware of it she's retreating from the possibility of love because once again, in her mind, she has been proven to be unworthy of being loved. Sound familiar?"   
  
"But, Kevin she deserves to be loved more than anyone else I've ever known. How do we get her to realize that?"   
  
"I think that's going to depend in large part on you at this point. I would like to talk to her some more, but I hesitate to push her because as much as she thinks she's in control right now, she's not. She is at her most vulnerable because not only is she battling her feelings for you, she's thinking of the child. As much as that child means to you, Sonny... I don't think you really know what that child means to her."   
  
"I know the child means as much to her as it means to me."   
  
"No. Sonny, that child means more to her than anything right now more than her mother, her father, her sister or you. Because that child represents the one thing she has always craved and has never received. One person who loves her unconditionally and that she can love openly and without fear... someone who is solely dependent on her and can't hurt her. That child to her is freedom. She is now free to give love without fear of reprisal and know that her love will be returned and will never be questioned or frowned upon. And to have a child born of the love she feels for you only adds to the joy of loving this child. This child also secures her memories of her own mother. The fear of losing the memory of her mother is now gone because she will be reminded of her mother every time she looks at her daughter. She only has to look at her daughter and she will again feel the love of her mother because it is the same love she has for her daughter. Her love of this child is the purest she's ever known. I have no doubt that you love this child, Sonny. But, I also think you want the chance to prove that you can love a child of your own without abusing that child. You want the chance to prove that you're not like Mike." 

Sonny felt his anger begin to rise.  
  
"You're making it sound like I would use my child just to make a point. I've already decked Johnny today for making a statement of that kind. I don't have a problem doing it again."   
  
"Well at least you warned me first. All I'll ask is that you think about it. You jumped pretty hot and heavy on that statement which leads me to automatically assume that there is just enough truth in it to frighten you."   
  
The two men walked on in silence a few moments. Kevin knew that Sonny even though he was fighting his anger, he was also giving quite a bit of thought to the idea he presented regarding his child. A few moments later Sonny finally responded.  
  
"That doesn't say a whole lot about me as a man."   
  
"Actually I think it says quite a lot. It tells me that you want the chance to love a child the way a child should be loved. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem we have here is the way you're going about it. However, in acknowledging that part of the reason for having a child of your own is to prove you can love a child healthily... then you give yourself the chance of healing the hurt that caused the problem. And it can be healed if you will allow it to be."   
  
"How?"   
  
"Sonny, we've already discussed it. You have to deal with how you feel about Mike. You have to learn how to forgive. And the one you need to forgive first is yourself."   
  
Seeing the obstinate look on Sonny's face, Kevin knew he was going to have to get tough if he stood any chance of getting Sonny to realize the damage that had been done to himself because he hadn't learned how to forgive.   
  
"Sonny, how are you going to feel when you to have to face the fact that your daughter will spend a life just as tormented as you have because she learned how to respond to the disappointments of her life from you."   
  
"Alexis won't let that happen."   
  
"Alexis won't have a choice, because your daughter will see how you respond to her mother as well, should Alexis make the grave mistake of not living up to your expectations. It is a very real part of why Alexis fears an involvement with you. Can you see what I'm trying to get across to you, Sonny? You are alone because you have chosen to hang onto a past that has effectively crippled you. You never gave yourself the chance to learn that not everybody has an agenda against you. You don't have a relationship with your sister because you were so busy trying to force her to see things your way that she gave up trying to build a relationship with a brother she never knew she had. It wasn't worth the trouble to her. She did just fine not having a brother for the first part of her life. If it meant having to face the garbage of your past every time you made contact with her then she probably figured she didn't need a brother after all. She needed something from you that you couldn't give because you wouldn't let go of your anger for Mike. Just because he failed you didn't mean he would automatically fail Courtney. She was willing to take the chance because she wanted a relationship with her father. So, it's Mike who has a place in her life now... instead of her brother who does love her but doesn't know how to show it."   
  
Since Sonny started talking to him several days ago, he had not been able to look Kevin directly in the eye. Kevin knew that one of the reasons was the fact that Sonny was embarrassed that he found himself talking to a shrink, but it was also the fact that he was having to talk about subjects that were normally off limits. Kevin felt a sense of relief and accomplishment when he felt Sonny take his arm and bring him to a halt. Sonny looked him in the eye and took his first step toward the healing he needed and deserved.   
  
"So what do I do to fix it, Kevin? How do I go about forgiving Mike?"   
  
"First, by going to see him. Tell him you are letting go of the past and that if he wants to, you two can start over. No threats against him if he screws up again. You have to learn to accept him as he is, no questions asked."   
  
"That's a pretty big thing you're asking."   
  
"Yes, it is. But, if it makes it any easier you're not going there for Mike's sake. You're going there for you. Mike's part will come later if he chooses. Right now, your objective is to let the past go and to let go of any expectations you may have of him. You and Mike may never have a father/son relationship, but it won't be because you're still holding a grudge. Think you can do it?"   
  
"I don't know. All I can do is try."   
  
"That's good enough for now."   
  
"Kev, I'm... a... I'm going into town. I need to see Michael. I need to see my son. I'll be back tomorrow. Could you keep an eye on Alexis since Johnny won't be around for a while?"   
  
"Sure thing, Sonny. I'll check in with her before I leave. If you need anything, call me. Here, home... whatever."   
  
"Thanks, Kev. I appreciate what you're doing for me even though I'm not too good at saying it."   
  
"You're doing fine, Sonny. You're doing just fine."


	57. Chapter 57

  
**_ Chapter 57_**   
  
"I know it's a little late, Joy. But tonight I want it to be just you and me. We can do it again any way you like later if you want. But, I want to marry you tonight, Joy. Come see."   
  
Johnny led Joy into the banquet hall of the Port Charles hotel.   
  
Joy gasped at the sight that met her eyes. In the center of the room was a round platform surrounded by a circle of white roses, lilies and purple iris's'. At her feet began a red carpet that led to the platform where a minister stood waiting with her father and his new bride. Joy turned to look into the eyes of the man who had completely stolen her bruised heart, healed it and given it back to her. With tears in her eyes she took Johnny's hand in hers.   
  
"Yes, Johnny. You've given me all that I could ever have hoped for. This is all that I need. Just you and me, together alone. I don't want any more than this and I don't want to share it with anyone else. Nothing has ever felt more right. I love you beyond all that I have ever known or felt before in my life. I'm ready for our life to begin together."   
  
Johnny took her hands into his and felt his heart swell with love for her.   
  
"My life is complete with you. Come take a walk with me and together we will face each day and make it our own. Come walk with me, be with me always, take my heart and hold it within the safety of yours. I will give you all the good things that are possible to give. My love for you will grow each day we spend together. Come, my Joy, take a walk with me."   
  
Taking her right hand in his he lay it in the crook of his arm and led her to the center of the room, to begin a new life together.   
  
________________________   
  
The next morning Kevin sat at his desk finishing up a few caseload transcriptions. Leaning back in his chair he stretched and groaned at the ache in his muscles. He hated dictating charts. And since he had been so busy lately the stack of patient charts escalated to such a degree that he was no longer left with any other choice but to tackle a major portion of the dreaded dictation before he left for his daily rounds at General Hospital. Putting aside his portable dictaphone he stood and crossed to the hat rack to retrieve his lab coat.   
  
Glancing briefly out the window to check on the weather he was surprised to find Alexis out walking. It was entirely out of character for her to be out so early as breakfast had only been served just moments before. He did as asked by both Johnny and Sonny and checked on her the previous evening before going home. What he found gravely concerned him. The nurse he recruited to stay with her in Johnny and Joy's absence had upon the request of Alexis invited a couple of other nurses to come by to watch a movie with her. Asking the nurse to announce that he needed to speak to her briefly he knew immediately upon seeing her come to the door that she once again was able to successfully retreat back into her 'safe' mode. She effectively shut down all her emotions... there were no visible signs at all of a personal nature. He explained to her that Johnny requested he look in to see if she needed anything before he went home. Figuring it wouldn't be a wise idea, he left out of the explanation any mention of Sonny. He sighed sadly at her response.   
  
"I'm fine. I'm just going to enjoy an evening with the girls. No men allowed. So I'll say goodnight and thank you kindly for checking up on me. If I need anything, I'm sure the girls will be most happy to assist me. Have a nice evening, Kevin and I'll see you tomorrow."   
  
With that she shut the door firmly without further comment.   
  
Making a quick decision, he opened his office door and stuck his head out to call to his secretary.   
  
"Jeanne, call the hospital and tell them I won't be making rounds this morning. I'll go in later this afternoon."   
  
"I'll make the call right now, Dr. Collins. What about the conference call with the London clinic scheduled for this afternoon?"   
  
"Call and see if we can reschedule it for 1:00 and rearrange this afternoon's appointments accordingly. If you have to postpone a couple until tomorrow, that's fine. You know the one's that are safe right now. Reassign them if need be. And here, take my pager and my cellphone. Handle whatever comes in. I don't want to be disturbed at all for the next few hours."   
  
"That's fine. What do you wish me to do if an emergency comes up?"   
  
"Jeanne, I can only handle one emergency at a time and I've got one outside right now that takes precedence over everything else right now. Refer all emergencies to the resident physician who is on call at GH today. You're in charge of the office until I return."   
  
Heading outside to catch up with Alexis, Kevin halted just outside of her eyesight to try and assess her frame of mind without alerting her to his presence yet. She appeared to be despondent and a great deal withdrawn. Approaching her with care he called softly to her so as not to frighten her.   
  
"Oh, Hi, Kevin."   
  
"Good morning, Alexis. How are you doing today?"   
  
Kevin immediately saw all of her normal modes of protection and defense fall into place and gently laid a hand on her arm.   
  
"I need to talk to you about something, Alexis. And I would rather do it out here where you don't feel confined or at risk."   
  
Looking into Kevin's eyes Alexis could tell he was quite concerned about her and wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer this time.   
  
"I guess I don't have much choice in the matter, do I?"   
  
"Not this time, my friend I'm sorry to say. You're in trouble and you are not aware of it, so it falls to me to open your eyes a bit. I don't want you to think that I'm deliberately choosing to do this now because Johnny is not around. It's not like that. I kind of figured out what was going on last night when I checked on you, but it wasn't the appropriate time and I respect the request you made of me to stay away from your suite. It was a good decision on your part."   
  
"So what is it that has you so worried, Kevin? I'm fine. Everything is as it should be. I'm fine, he's fine, my child is fine... all is right with the world except for the one little thing that is missing... the rest of my memory. And once I get that back, then I'll say goodbye and you can have your room and your peace of mind back. See... no problems."   
  
"We have a very real problem, Alexis. Let's sit down."   
  
Kevin noticed Alexis hesitate and look around before she joined him on the bench.   
  
"Don't worry, Alexis. He's not going to be around this morning. He has a very difficult day ahead of him in town."   
  
"Is he... ok?"   
  
"Well, I think he's on his way to being ok. What he needs to do today is going to take all of the strength and courage he has in him. And if he's willing to walk this road for not only himself but for you as well, then I think it's about time you started a little healing of your own."   
  
"For me?"   
  
"Yes, and for his daughter and his son."   
  
"Kevin, he's been hurt enough. Don't hurt him anymore."   
  
Looking off across the lawn, Alexis felt her heart ache for Sonny and wrapped her arms around herself in comfort.   
  
"There's no reason to get upset here. He'll be fine. He's going to try to go see Mike today, Alexis. It's the first step he has to take in forgiving Mike for the past."   
  
With a voice full of emotion, Alexis glanced back at Kevin in awe.   
  
"You must be some kind of miracle worker. How did you manage that?"   
  
"I didn't. You did."   
  
"I haven't talked to him about Mike in months. How could this have anything to do with me?"   
  
"Sonny is learning that his way of handling things has been destructive not only to himself, but to you as well. He wants you in his life, but he knows he has hurt you. In order to achieve his basic goal, he knows that he has issues he has to deal with and he's dealing with them... because he wants to, not because he is being forced to. I'm pleased to see that he is beginning to understand that he's not the lost cause he began to think he was. He's beginning to see that if a woman like you could find something in him worth caring for, faults and all, then there must be something in him worth loving and that's what he's trying to find and build on."   
  
Alexis sat unmoving, afraid that Kevin would see what she was feeling. Sonny. His face appeared before her. His beautiful smile, his teasing laughter. Closing her eyes and focusing hard, she tried to put him away again into that place inside her heart where her dreams lived. Only this time it didn't work. What she felt for Sonny was so raw and base that she could no longer hide from it.   
  
"I can't do this anymore, Kevin. I have to go."   
  
Standing up to leave she heard his voice quiet, concerned and pleading.   
  
"Alexis, please don't walk away. I'm afraid if you do I'll lose you again. I need you to understand that you are right now on the verge of being in the same frame of mind you were when you slipped away. Please let me help you." 

She turned to face him without raising her eyes to meet his. Her emotions too close to the surface to hide from anyone who held a modicum of concern for her.  
  
"I don't see how you can. This is something I have to resolve on my own."   
  
"Please sit back down with me. If you're worried about my asking you how you feel about Sonny, then you can rest easy. I'm not interested in how you feel about Sonny right now. I'm concerned with you and how we can keep you from leaving us again."   
  
Alexis felt her fear rising.   
  
"And you think that's still a possibility given how long I've been awake now?"   
  
"It's a very real possibility if we can't find a better way for you to cope with life on a daily basis. Think about it, if you're having this much difficulty dealing with what you have remembered, how much more anxiety will there be once you regain the rest of your memory. You're a smart woman, Alexis. You know that what is remaining must have been so much more traumatic for you since it didn't come back with the rest of your memory. I want to work with you, Alexis... not against you. What do you say, want to give us a chance to work together one more time?"   
  
The fear that she could slip away again never left her thoughts for a minute since the day she awakened. But, rather than concern anyone else with her fear she kept it to herself just as she had always kept her fears hidden away... at least until... Fear was something you hid from the world in order to stay strong. For the first few days after she awakened, Johnny saw her fears... They were so strong and so profound she wasn't able to hide them. But, as each day passed the old familiar way of dealing with the day to day struggles began to take over again. If someone gets too close... build a wall. If you get pushed too far... build a wall. If fear takes hold... stand up defiantly against it. However, the truth of the matter was it was lonely standing behind all those walls. Alexis studied Kevin intently for a few moments then sat back down next to him.   
  
"So how do you propose we go about this... working together?"   
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Kevin leaned back and hoped the door he was about to open would lead to a much needed emotional release for Alexis.   
  
"Everything I have heard about you has been from outsiders. I want to hear your side of the story. I want to meet the little girl who lived on that island so many years ago. And I expect that's the last thing you want to talk about, but it's important Alexis. So please, tell me who the little girl is that you fight daily to protect."   
  
Recoiling against the memories that assaulted her at Kevin's words, Alexis began a desperate rush to try and keep all the little compartments she unconsciously created over the years in her mind closed. It was a reflex action brought about by a potential threat against her.   
  
"That little girl no longer exists. Leave her alone, Kevin. She's done her time."   
  
"That's an interesting way for you to describe her. But, you're smart enough to know that we have to begin with her. That little girl is still a very real part of you."   
  
"A little girl lost her intended life one day. She dealt with it. Leave her alone."   
  
"Alexis, do you realize that you're speaking of yourself in the third person. It wasn't just a 'little girl', it was you. You lost your intended life one day. Someone took it away from you without your permission and left behind a lifetime of pain, heartache, loss... and hate."   
  
"It's easier to face her if I separate myself from her. Her name was Natasha and I'll admit that little girl is still a very real part of me. No matter how hard I try to escape her, she will always be a part of me... so I've learned to adapt."   
  
"Tell me about her. Who was she and how did she survive to become the woman in front of me now?"   
  
"She survived because in the beginning she was loved. My mother loved me. She spent time with me. I don't really remember a lot about her, but her loving me is what I hold on to. When Helena took her from me, the trauma of what I saw took the memory of my mother away from me for years. So, for a long time the only memories I was left with were those of living on the Cassadine island. My days were spent mostly looking for walls to melt into... trying to disappear in a room full of people... praying to remain unnoticed. No matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for Helena. She despised me... treated me like an orphan. I didn't understand why she hated me so much. I tried to be good, to do what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to. But, it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered."   
  
"But, look at you now. What you do now matters a great deal, Alexis. You are a defender of people."   
  
"I chose to become an attorney so I could help those who couldn't help themselves... just as that little girl couldn't. I can be aggressive in a courtroom because no matter who I'm defending... I still see that little girl who cowered in corners, afraid to move lest she be discovered. I fight for the rights of those I counsel... and in my own way I'm fighting for the rights that were taken away from that little girl so many years ago.   
  
Kevin watched with concern as Alexis remembered a past full of heartache, pain and abuse. His heart went out to her as her tone of voice changed to that of one relating the events of a stranger. Her voice was void of any familiarity or feeling for a little girl lost inside a world of cruelty and hatred. He kept silent as she continued.   
  
"It does something to you inside when you are consistently told that you're worthless, ugly, of no use to anyone. After a while you begin to believe it. You begin seeking shadows to hide in. You walk miles out of your way just to stay hidden from eyes forever searching for a verbal whipping post. You start putting in place defense mechanisms so that it doesn't hurt so much when the inevitable slurs and degrading remarks are thrown at you. And if there should be any hint of care shown by anyone, or the rarely offered treat, you weigh the pros and cons of accepting the offering knowing that more often than not it would be accompanied by some type of pain. But, you took the chance of accepting it because every once in a while the treat was given without harm. And the sweetness of it, the pleasure of it was so delightful, that in the end the ultimate battle came down to either accepting the treat and satisfy the craving or accept the treat and suffer the consequences. To this day I still, to a certain degree, question the reasons behind gifts or kind words. You learn not to expect anything, so there is no reason to hope and wishes become dreams that help pass the time."


	58. Chapter 58

****

Before we go any further, I feel I must set the record straight on a certain issue. I have never taken a psychology course, never read any books on the subject or suffered through any formal education regarding the psyche. I'm an accountant who simply likes to write about the way people deal with life. It's more common sense than anything else! With that said… we continue.

Chapter 58   
  
"Wasn't there anyone who cared for you, Alexis?"   
  
Kevin listened as a voice void of emotion became filled with yearning and loss... of love for a brother and intolerance of a way of life forced on her.   
  
"Stefan did. Well, as best he knew how given the role models he was left with. He was the boss. He gave the orders and I carried them out. I didn't question him very often at all. I didn't want to take the chance of losing what little affection I received. He did the best he could for me. He will always have a part of my heart. He fought for me on more occasions than I can remember, sometimes to his detriment. All Cassadine love comes at a cost. He and Sonny are alike in many ways. They don't know how to show love. They don't forgive easily. And their pasts rule their lives. I think Stefan finally saw what he allowed his past to do to him and I think he's getting past it now. I hope so. I want him to be happy. I think he could have been happy with Chloe if..."   
  
"Hey, let's hold it here a minute. Tell me how you felt about Chloe."   
  
"I don't know that I can. She meant the world to me as a friend. I never had a friend like her before. Not like Chloe. She was such a beautiful person; such an open giving heart. No matter what was going on in my life, she was on my side. She gave her all to her relationships; whether it was family, a man she was interested in or a friend. It was easy to love Chloe. She surprised me. I couldn't understand how one could love so completely and without reservation. That's how she loved. Without reservation. I envied her so much. I still miss her. I think I will for the rest of my life. I couldn't save her though."   
  
"You couldn't save her? Wait a minute, from what I hear you were no where near her when she died."   
  
"No, I wasn't. But, I should have kept her away from my family. I knew what my family was capable of. I should have protected her from them."   
  
"That doesn't sound like a rational thought, Alexis."   
  
"Rational is not a word that can ever be associated with the world of Cassadine."   
  
"Why do you insist on accepting responsibility for things beyond your control, Alexis? You sit here and tell me you should have protected Chloe. My question is what could you have done to save Chloe's life? You were no where near the island and you didn't know that Chloe left the hospital that afternoon. From what I gather, Chloe by her own choice walked into a dangerous situation to help someone else. Her choice... not yours. Because of her caring heart she wanted to help. This time... the price she paid was her life. But, it was still... her choice to make."   
  
"I guess. It just seems like I could have done something... anything."   
  
"Is that the way you view your mother's death as well? Do you think you could have somehow prevented her death?"   
  
Kevin watched as a single tear dropped from her cheek. Pulling his handkerchief from his pocket he gently wiped away the path the tear traveled before finally dropping into her lap.   
  
"Alexis, you are required to take responsibility for the choices you make. In attempting to take on the responsibility for the choices, mistakes or actions of someone else... you are infringing on their rights as individuals. They were given the same rights you were... if they don't choose to make the right decisions then the consequences are theirs to deal with. Not yours."   
  
"If they cannot see the danger ahead of them and I do, then what is the harm of taking steps to see that they remain safe."   
  
"All you can do for those you care about is to warn them or enlighten them to possible harm coming their way. You are wise beyond your years, Alexis. That little girl you were had to grow up fast in order to survive a situation that was forced on her. Because of that you have a better grasp on life than most of the people you know. You also chose not to let your past defeat you. You pulled yourself up by the bootstraps and did what you had to do in order to achieve a safe and functional place in life. And you did a damn fine job of it. 'Natasha' is safe and independent, able to care for herself now. Chloe and your mother made choices that cost them dearly. They exercised their right to choose their own path. Just because you loved them doesn't mean you have the right to accept responsibility for the choices they made. Is it really reasonable for you to hold a seven year old child responsible for the actions of an adult... or to hold yourself responsible for the death of a woman who gave her life trying to save someone else?"   
  
"I guess not. But, I can't just stop helping those I care about. If they need me... "   
  
"Helping is fine, but taking on the responsibility of the consequences of their actions is not. You simply don't have that right. Let me give you an example. How many times has Sonny bailed Mike out of trouble?"   
  
"Quite a few it seems."   
  
"And what has Mike learned? He's learned he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions because his son will bail him out if he gets into trouble. Would you really want to take that right... that experience away from those you love? Dealing with the consequences of our actions is a learning experience. It is the difference between being strong or weak as a human being."   
  
Kevin knew they were getting a bit off track, but given the remaining memory Alexis still needed to deal with it was important that she understand that trying to shoulder the responsibility for others actions was neither reasonable nor in her best interests.   
  
"You're saying I should have let Sonny go to jail?"   
  
"No, I'm not saying that at all. In fact, I'd prefer leaving Sonny out of this conversation. I probably shouldn't have used him as an example. As his attorney, you did what you were supposed to do. From what I gather you were very straightforward in informing him of the differences between right and wrong and what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And because of that, he's reevaluating his life, his actions and his relationships with his family. I'd say you were right on target in your dealings with Sonny."   
  
"He certainly gave me a run for my money at times. He lives by this code that I've never been able to quite figure out. There is so much more to him than anyone else knows. He wears a mask to protect himself from people looking to harm him."   
  
"Just like the many masks you wear to protect yourself."   
  
Alexis flushed a little and bowed her head a moment to collect and sort the many emotions that were running wild within her. She was so intent on cataloging her varied emotions she barely heard Kevin continue.   
  
"You know I am simply stunned by the woman I know you to be now, Alexis. It's been quite an enigma to try and figure you out."   
  
Looking up and letting her eyes travel over the landscape she hesitated one more moment as she effectively closed all emotional doors in her mind except one. The one door that she depended on most she left wide open. The guard that stood at the door of her heart stood erect and ready to protect and defend.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"There is just so much more to you than I ever could have guessed. You've been quite fascinating to study and I applaud you for how well you've survived the traumas of your life. I am amazed that you came out of it all so well. But, I think it's time for you to deal with a part of yourself that you've spent many years trying to hide from. I'll admit you led me a merry chase. I knew I was missing something, but I couldn't quite figure it out until now. How long has the fear been a part of your daily life?"   
  
Alexis froze. The question threw her coming out of the blue as it did. It startled her so much that she was unable to hide her immediate reaction.   
  
Kevin saw the shock instantly wash across her face and her struggle to put everything back into its rightful place. He watched her relax slightly and knew she succeeded in putting the fear away again.   
  
"What fear?"   
  
"The fear that one day all that you have endured in your life will catch up with you and you won't be able to handle it."   
  
"I've done quite well, I think."   
  
"You've done remarkably well. Right up until the last time the memories of all that you have endured caught up with you. I believe anyone else would have succumbed a long time ago. But you were able to hold on longer because you had help, didn't you?"   
  
Alexis began to fidget nervously. She didn't like where this conversation was going at all. Kevin was getting too close.   
  
"In fact you lean quite heavily on her strength. Don't you think it's time to acknowledge just how much you do depend on her?"   
  
"Kevin, please leave this alone."   
  
"I think you know I can't, Alexis. You spend a great deal of time trying to keep her under control, don't you?"   
  
Alexis stood and took a few steps away from Kevin. That one compartment she closed and locked years ago was threatening to come unhinged and she was afraid of the consequences she would have to deal with if that door opened again.   
  
"Yes." It was a quiet answer full of agony laced with relief that the secret was no longer hers alone.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"She has so much anger and hate that if I don't keep her under control she will hurt... I have to keep her under control, Kevin. It frightens me to think of what she is capable of. She grew up Cassadine. She knows their ways... she learned how to survive by way of Cassadine."   
  
"You don't give yourself enough credit, Alexis. All that she is you are and all that you are she is. That little girl grew up with you. Natasha is a part of you. A very real part. The courage and strength it took for her to survive is imbedded in you. Trying to separate yourself from her left you vulnerable. You can't keep thinking of her as if she were someone separate from you. The two of you are one."   
  
"You don't understand, Kevin. I know the damage that kind of anger and hate can cause; I never wanted it to be a part of my life. But, it is. I do hate. I hate the woman who took my life from me. The hate is so rich and deep that if I don't keep it locked away it can take over. It's the same hate that I saw in Helena and... the same anger that I see in Sonny. Nothing good can come from it. Look at what it's done to them. The last time I lost control of her... she hurt a lot of people."   
  
It was quick, fierce and hot. The pain sliced through her head with such intensity it buckled her knees. Kevin jumped to her aide and led her back to the bench and helped her sit down.   
  
"What is it, Alexis? What do you see?"   
  
"Me. Red dress. I was... I was screaming at someone."   
  
"Is that all?"   
  
Alexis relaxed a little as the pain and the vision left her. It caused such a profound reaction in her that she now felt drained.   
  
"Yes. It's gone now."   
  
"When the vision appeared did it bring any feeling with it? Don't push it, but was there an emotion with the vision?"   
  
"Yes. It was a... sense of loss... and intense rage. Not just anger... so much more... deeper... darker. It was her. I couldn't stop her. It just reaffirms why I must keep her under control. She doesn't think before she acts. She hurts people with vicious words if she feels threatened in any way... or someone she loves is being hurt."   
  
Kevin knew what dress she was referring to as she had been brought to Ferncliff wearing it. He did not want to take the chance of forcing memories Alexis wasn't prepared for yet so he pulled back from the topic of conversation and led her gently into another.   
  
"Alexis when was the last time you felt really at peace?"   
  
"Peace." Alexis laughed derisively. "In order to enjoy a sense of peace it would mean that I hadn't grown up Cassadine. That Helena never existed. That a little girl didn't lose her mother in a horribly tragic manner. That my family didn't cost me my best friend. Peace. There will never be complete peace for me. There was once... almost. Even then there was the threat that something would happen to take away what little happiness I found. And just as I have come to expect... it was taken away as well. But, at least I have my child to look forward to. She is my hope. I will do whatever I have to for her to have a peaceful life... maybe then... through her I will find a measure of peace."   
  
Even though Kevin knew quite a bit about Alexis' life by way of her brother Stephan, he wasn't willing to concede that she would never find any peace. He believed that she could enjoy a peaceful existence... but it would only come when her desire for a peaceful life matched her need to escape the bonds that kept her tied to her past.   
  
"Alexis, what is it that you want most in this world?"   
  
Alexis glanced at Kevin to try and discern what he was leading her into by his question. Seeing that the question was sincere and free of innuendo she relaxed and thought a moment before answering.   
  
"If that question had been asked a few months ago, I'm quite sure my answer would have been totally different from what I want now. But, in saying that I would also have to admit that I would not have offered a response of any kind back then. I never allowed such personal questions and became quite aggravated if someone were to be so forward as to ask such a question."   
  
"And you're stalling. It is a simple question. All that is required is a simple answer."   
  
"There's no such thing as a simple answer to that question. It has too many avenues one could get lost in. Right now, at this very moment, I want my child to be born healthy... and free."   
  
"I'm not sure I understand the 'free' part. Could you elaborate a little for me?"   
  
"Free from harm. Free from a life marred by the mistakes of her mother. I don't want her tied to a past full of vendetta... vengeful retaliations... fear because of the Cassadine blood that flows through her veins... and Corinthos blood. I don't want her to grow up afraid to love."   
  
"As her mother did?"   
  
"I want my daughter to grow up secure. I don't mean financially. I want her days to be happy, carefree... full of joy. Just once for a child born of the 'Cassadine House' to know what is it feels like to walk through a park... through a mall... anywhere... without having to constantly be looking over her shoulder."   
  
"There is nothing wrong with wanting those things for your daughter. But, there is also nothing wrong with wanting those things for you. If that is what you want then work toward making it a reality."   
  
"My past... its history won't allow the possibility. Someday, Helena will be back. And with her return there is no telling what horror she'll bring with her. I have to be prepared. I have to make sure she is not able to get to my child."   
  
"Alexis, all you are promised is this day. You cannot live in the past and you cannot live in the future. The responsibility you have is to make this day the best that it can be... not only for your daughter but for yourself as well. Take both hands and grab onto this moment and live it. I promise you, you will be amazed at how much you can pull from one moment. Look around you. What do you see?"   
  
Totally puzzled by the question, Alexis looked around her, then answered.   
  
"The sanitarium, the parking lot, trees, people... "   
  
"Now let me tell you what I see... you see people; I see old man Reese holding the hand of his wife quietly and desperately begging her to remember him... I see nurse Dunn gently leading a patient into the yard hoping to get a response... any response. Look over there, two birds one male one female... he courts her with a beautiful serenade. Look at the red and gold leaves of fall... they will all eventually drift to the ground to make room for new life in the spring. I see smiles... I hear laughter... and tears. It's life, Alexis. It's the natural progression of one moment toward another."   
  
"That's how I want my daughter to see it. It's too late for me, but it isn't for her."   
  
"Who's going to teach her? Whose example is she going to follow? If that is what you want for your daughter, then it stands to reason that she will only learn it from you. And don't tell me it's too late for you. It's not... yes, it will take time... it will take being consistent... and it will take dedication. But, you more than anyone else I know have the stamina and the determination to make it happen. And I think that once your daughter is born it will become easier, because children have a way of making us take that second look at life through their eyes. You know, you've always maintained that Sonny needed to let go of his past; I think it's time you let go of your own as well, not just for the child's sake Alexis, but for yours as well."   
  
"If only I could."   
  
"You can, Alexis. It's a matter of choice. Wrap your arms around that little girl who suffered so much at the hands of Helena and make her a functioning part of you. Lean on her strength and welcome her courage. Teach her what you know of kindness and patience. Teach her what you've learned about giving... Make the two of you one. Stop thinking of her as being separate... she is a vital part of who you are now. Take it slow and easy, one day at a time. Let go of the fear... don't let it cripple you any longer."   
  
"That's a pretty tall order. Just how do you propose I accomplish that feat?"   
  
"When you feel the fear or any other negative emotion rise, question it. Where is it coming from? What circumstance came up that initiated the emotion? What are the facts surrounding the fear... anger, whatever? And always remember... feelings are not facts. Base your response on the facts of a situation rather than your initial feelings regarding the situation. Then ask yourself, were the feelings valid... were they rational?"   
  
"Sounds like the art of arguing a court case for a stranger. You have no choice but to argue the facts since you have no personal involvement."   
  
"Exactly. Feelings tend to cloud the issue. Once you've weighed the truth of the matter then you can allow an emotional response based on fact rather than supposition. It won't be easy because allowing our feelings to dictate our behavior has become a way of life for us. More often than not, our negative feelings lead us to react inappropriately; such as jumping to the wrong conclusion or passing judgments without all the facts and so forth."   
  
"I see what you mean."   
  
"Enough to try and look at a few facts concerning a certain former client of yours who is trying his hardest to do the same thing I'm asking you to do?"   
  
In studying Alexis, one would never have guessed the battle that raged in her heart. Kevin sat quietly beside her and waited. He could tell he presented a case worthy of her skills as an attorney. He was depending on her sense of fairness and her love of Sonny for her to make the right decision now.   
  
"I guess I owe him that much, don't I?"   
  
"You don't owe him anything, but I think you won't regret it."


	59. Chapter 59

  
**_ Chapter 59_**   
  
While the conversation between Kevin and Alexis slowly drew to an end, Sonny was arriving outside Mike's apartment door. He stood still a moment before raising his hand to knock. The next few moments would be difficult to face, but face them he would and do his best to call a truce between himself and his father. He wanted the chance to begin again with Mike. As much as he hated to admit it, he wanted a relationship with his father. And in order for that to happen Sonny needed to lay to rest the anger, the bitterness and the hurt Mike had caused him. Taking a deep breath, he brought his hand up and knocked twice.   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
As Mike opened the door and his jaw dropped a little in surprise to find his son on his doorstep. He couldn't remember a time when it was Sonny who initiated a visit between them.   
  
"Mike. Can I come in?"   
  
"Sure. Sure, son. Come on in? Is there something wrong. Is it Courtney?"   
  
"No. I needed to talk to you about something."   
  
"Ok. Come in. Come in. Please have a seat. Can I get you anything? A drink, glass of water... anything?"   
  
Sonny felt a bit of irritation rise at Mike's eagerness to serve his son and forced himself to look past it. Looking at his dad with fresh eyesight, Sonny saw for the first time not only his need of a father, but a father's need to love his son. It was a place to begin.   
  
"Mike, I've been doing a lot of thinking... about a lot of things. There's been a lot of time wasted... Most of it... I'll take the blame for. I didn't want to give you another chance to... well, you know."   
  
"What's going on Michael? What are you trying to tell me?"   
  
Sonny was having trouble with his words again. Prodding himself a little he tried again.   
  
"I don't want to fight with you anymore."   
  
"I don't either, son."   
  
"Let me finish this, please Mike."   
  
Looking around the room, Sonny moved toward the only window in the room. Needing a moment to regroup, he looked toward Mike.   
  
"I could use that glass of water after all, I think."   
  
"Sure son, coming right up."   
  
Taking advantage of the break, Sonny closed his eyes and visualized himself sitting with Alexis. Drawing strength from the vision he breathed deeply and accepted the glass of water from Mike who returned hurriedly from the kitchen.   
  
"Thanks, Mike. Why don't we have a seat? I have something I want to talk to you about."   
  
As both men sat down together at the dining room table, Sonny smiled uncertainly and began to tell Mike what he had been up to lately.   
  
"I've been spending quite a bit of time out at Ferncliff the last few days."   
  
"Ferncliff? The crazy house? Why?"   
  
"That's really not an appropriate way to describe the place... but, I've been visiting someone there."   
  
"I didn't know you knew anyone out there. Who were you visiting?"   
  
"Alexis."   
  
"Davis?"   
  
"Yeah. She... got sick. Look I'll explain all that later. But let me finish, ok?   
  
"Sure, go on."   
  
"Over the past few days, I've begun to realize that holding on to the past has left me somewhat... hard to get along with. I've been pretty hard on you in particular. I guess you've probably already figured out I blamed you for Deke being able to get hold of my mother and me. Couldn't let it go."   
  
"I know, son."   
  
"Well, I have to... I mean, I need to start... damn. Sorry, just not to good at this sort of thing."   
  
"What is it, son? What are you trying to tell me?"   
  
"I want... I want a chance to... start over... with you. You know... leave the past where it is."   
  
Mike watched Sonny stand and take a few steps away from him and knew instantly that although his son was trying to let go of the past, he was finding it hard to do so. Figuring to help his son with the load, Mike stood and walked over to his son and lay his hand on his shoulder.   
  
"Michael, I'll do whatever I have to in order to help us find a peaceful ground to stand on. I want the chance to be a part of your life."   
  
"Me to. I mean, you know, with you. But, there's something else."   
  
In unison both men turned back toward the table and sat down again. Mike waited patiently for Sonny to continue.   
  
"Don't get me wrong here, Mike. I do want to try and build a relationship here, but I need you to understand that I won't pull you out of debt anymore. I can't. It wouldn't be fair to me, just like it wouldn't do you any good. If you get into trouble again, I'll do what I can to be there for you any way I can... except financially. Can you accept that? Can we try this thing out even if I don't support you with the money?"   
  
"I can accept that, son. It's more than I could ever have hoped for. Tell me something. Why the change? What happened to get you here like this?"   
  
Sonny sat back and relaxed for the first time since entering his dad's apartment. Looking over at the man who sat beside him, he saw for the first time in a long time the dad who left him so many years ago. Rather than feeling the normal 'need to escape' when he found himself around Mike, Sonny actually wanted to sit for awhile and just talk to his dad.   
  
"You know, I'll just bet I could knock your socks off right now with a bit of news."   
  
"I don't know about that. It's been a long time since I've been really surprised at something you did. Want to try?"   
  
"How about, you're going to be a grandpa soon?"   
  
"Is Carly pregnant? Why son that's wonderful. When? Where is she?"   
  
Sonny began trying to interrupt Mike.   
  
"No. No. Hey, wait a minute. It's not Carly. Carly won't be around any more. She's left the country."   
  
"What? When? Did you two break up? Is Courtney pregnant? No, she would have told me. Wait a minute. If it's not Courtney and it's not Carly, then who... you don't mean... Alexis... ?"   
  
"How is it everybody but me has been able to figure that out without being told? How blind was I?"   
  
"Pretty blind if you didn't know that woman has been in love with you for months. I remember sitting down with her at Kelly's one afternoon before Sorel held her, Zander and Carly hostage in your penthouse. She tried like hell to hide what she felt for you. But, I saw it. That woman would have walked through fire for you if you had asked her to. So what happened, why is she at Ferncliff?"   
  
"Everything got too big for her to handle and I guess her mind just decided to take a vacation from it all. She's back now... she lost her memories of the last year or so... didn't remember me at all at first and she still doesn't remember that her sister came looking for her a year ago. She doesn't remember Kristina at all."   
  
"But, she remembers you now?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"So it's only a matter if time for her to remember her sister."   
  
"Right."   
  
"How do things stand between you right now?"   
  
Sonny stood again, his level of anxiety was rising because of the direction the conversation was taking. Needing to voice some of his concerns, he began pacing and talking quietly to his dad.   
  
"Things are a bit strained. She's running from me. She knows that I know the child she's carrying is mine and right now she is in a total defense mode. On one hand she doesn't want me around the child or her because she's afraid of the dangers of my life. But on the other hand, she does love me. And the two sides are warring against each other. I have to find a way to ease her mind. But, I don't know how. I don't really know what to do."   
  
"Son, have you told her you love her?"   
  
"How did you know I loved her?"   
  
"It's rather plain to see from here. So, have you told her?"   
  
"No. I tried once, but I couldn't come up with the right words. I messed it up pretty bad. My problem is that I've spent so much time looking out for myself... making sure I get what I want when I want it that I don't know how to give her what she needs. I can't seem to come up with a way to tell her I love her without making it about me. I was lying in bed last night trying to figure a way to tell her. That she makes my life worth living... that I want her in my life... I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I mean it's all true... but everything I said is still all about what I want."   
  
"And the idea is to make it all about her... what she wants... what she needs."   
  
"Exactly."   
  
"So ask her?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Ask her what she needs from you. Sounds pretty simple to me. I don't think the Alexis I know would have any trouble at all expressing to you what she needs. She's one smart cookie, if you ask me."   
  
"Yeah, when she's defending me on a case of harassment or false arrest, but this is personal stuff. She's just as tight about her feelings as I am if not more."   
  
"I imagine she would lighten up a bit if she knew you loved her before you asked her what she needs from you. Hey, you'll never know if you don't try. And I gotta tell you, if you and Alexis end up together... that would be a day for the history books. I always wondered what loving a woman like her would be like."   
  
Sonny studied Mike a moment. He wanted to ask his father a question, but hesitated. He didn't want to kill a relationship with his dad before it ever really got started. He decided to take a chance.   
  
"Dad, do you ever think about mom anymore?"   
  
Mike looked down at the table. At the mention of the woman who bore him a son, the familiar sense of failure assailed him.   
  
"Yes, quite a bit actually. I am ashamed of the man I turned out to be. She deserved better. You both did. But, I can't go back and change it. All I can do now is just try to do better."   
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean. That's what I'm trying to do now. Maybe we can learn a thing or two from one another."   
  
"That would suit me just fine, son."   
  
Sonny stood preparing to leave and Mike stood with him.   
  
"I'm glad I came by, Dad. But, I need to get back out to Alexis."   
  
"I'm glad you came by too, Michael. You give Alexis my best and if there's anything I can do to help... you just call."   
  
"Thanks, dad."   
  
The two men walked to the door and just as Sonny reached it, he turned around and put his arms around Mike and hugged him.   
  
With tears in his eyes, Mike hugged his son back then released him so he could go.   
  
"You take care now. And don't forget son... I love you."   
  
Unable to say the words himself, Sonny replied almost inaudibly, "Yeah, ok" then walked away relieved that the visit went so well.


	60. Chapter 60

  
**_ Chapter 60_**   
  
Arriving back at Ferncliff, Sonny went in search of Kevin. He wanted to check in and see if Alexis was doing okay, but he also wanted to tell Kevin about his visit with his dad. Entering his office, Sonny stopped at the secretary's desk first to see if Kevin was available.   
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Corinthos, but Dr. Collins is with a patient at the moment. Could I leave him a message for you?"   
  
Feeling a bit exasperated, Sonny wrote a short note out on the notepad the secretary handed him then went to the cafeteria for lunch. In his note to Kevin he asked that if time permitted would Kevin meet him there for a few moments before he started his afternoon rounds.   
  
Sonny waited for an hour before he finally saw Kevin enter the room and head his way. Sonny stood just as Kevin stopped at the table and offered his hand to shake then hesitated a moment until Kevin sat down with him.   
  
"Can I treat you to a bit of lunch, Kevin?   
  
"No, I don't have but just a minute or two. I have a pretty big afternoon scheduled. But, I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. Were you able to accomplish what we discussed?"   
  
"Yeah. I just came from there. It went pretty good. We talked and things are ok."   
  
"How do you feel?"   
  
"Ah, the classic shrink question. Well, I feel good. Hopeful. So, enough about me. How is Alexis? Anything new come up?"   
  
"Actually I spent the morning with her. Surprisingly it was a rather productive session. But, I think what you really should be asking me is when will it be okay for you to try talking to her again."   
  
"Uh... Uhm... don't you think it's too soon? I mean, things got a bit tense the last time I talked to her. Hell, tense is too easy a word. She got downright angry with me. I don't want to upset her again."   
  
"I think she will be a little more agreeable than the last time you saw her. If you want my professional advice... then I would suggest you try. See what happens. Use your common sense. If things begin to get a bit testy, back off. All you should be after right now is just finding some common ground to stand on. Nothing heavy... just talk to her. See where it leads."   
  
Sonny sat back and tried to calm the excitement that began to rise in him at Kevin's prompting. He wanted desperately to see Alexis. He needed to see her. Catching himself and reigning in the selfish thoughts, he began thinking of her. What to say to her... what to do for her... jumping to his feet as an idea presented itself, he clapped Kevin on the back a couple of times, said thanks and took off.   
  
Kevin laughed at the eagerness he saw on Sonny's face as he left the cafeteria. Standing and stretching a bit, Kevin headed back to his office to begin his afternoon's schedule.   
  
Within a few minutes of leaving Kevin, Sonny arrived at the door to Alexis' suite. Trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach he raised his hand and knocked.   
  
Alexis was standing at the window in the living room wondering what she was going to do for lunch when she heard the knock. Frowning a bit uncertainly, as she wasn't expecting anyone, she went to the door and opened it to find Sonny standing there with a wealth of trepidation displayed across his face. He looked like a little boy who had gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Smiling hesitantly herself, Alexis stepped aside and invited him in.   
  
Observing her unease, Sonny decided it would be easier for her if he spoke first.   
  
"It's time for lunch and I know Johnny is out today. So, I thought maybe I could fix you some lunch or just give you this and be on my way."   
  
Alexis watched as he pulled a package of microwave popcorn out of his pocket. Accepting the package from him she grinned shyly then gave it back to him. She watched the expectant look on his face fall into one of sadness as his eyes strayed to the floor in front of him. She reached out and lightly touched his arm to bring his eyes back up to hers then crossed her arms in front of her protectively.  
  
"You should know that Johnny would never allow me to run out of popcorn again after the last time. So, I really don't need this package, but since I am hungry and I really would like something other than popcorn... and since you did offer... and I know that the refrigerator is full of stuff... I mean stuff that I wouldn't have a clue what to do with... but I'm sure you probably would... and since Joy isn't around... " 

Sonny smiled and lifted his hand waving it in front of her face a couple of times to halt her rambling.  
  
"Alexis… Alexis. Breathe. It'd be great if you'd let me fix something for you. But, you're gonna pass out if you don't breathe."   
  
They each looked into the eyes of the other and the rest of the world fell away. In that one moment, the camaraderie they always shared returned and they rested in the familiarity of it.   
  
Sonny took her hand lacing his fingers between hers and pulled her toward the kitchen with him.   
  
"Come on. Let's see what we can find. You look like you could eat a horse."   


Alexis yanked on his arm and indignantly responded trying to keep the laughter out of her voice.

  
"Well, that's not very flattering."   
  
"Yeah, but it is the truth, right?"   
  
"It's still not very flattering."   
  
"No, it's not. But, I just couldn't imagine asking you to sidle up to the side of a trough." 

She slapped at him and tried to pull her hand out of his still trying to sound exasperated with him.   
  
"Now, that's just downright insulting."   
  
"Now you know why I said the horse thing." 

She lost control over the laughter that threatened to choke her if not released and thrilled at the sound of his unrestrained laughter as they walked together to the kitchen.  
  
Alexis sat down at the table smiling contentedly as Sonny went about pulling this and that from the cupboard and refrigerator. In no time at all it seemed a sumptuous aroma filled the room and a plate of roasted vegetables piled on top of a grilled chicken breast was placed in front of her. With more eagerness than she intended to show, Alexis filled her fork full and tasted the treat before her. As the taste and aroma of the dish assaulted her senses she closed her eyes and sighed. Savoring every moment of the experience she smiled as though she had just been given the moon.   
  
"I take that it meets with your approval?"   
  
Opening her eyes, she met his expectant ones.   
  
"Your head is already too big."   
  
"That means you like it."   
  
Ignoring the sense of déjà vu that came over her, she smiled again and gave him what he expectantly waited for.   
  
"It is _soooo_ good. Absolutely wonderful." 

His childlike grin caused her heart to jump.  
  
"Sometimes it comes by pure inspiration alone. And you do inspire me, Alexis."   
  
Sonny watched her duck her head in sudden uncertainty and backed off.   
  
"So what time do you expect Johnny to return?"   
  
Silently thanking him for changing the subject Alexis relaxed.   
  
"He and Joy should be back sometime this evening. I hope they are enjoying themselves. They deserve it. Did you know that Johnny asked Joy to marry him?"   
  
"Yeah, he told me about it. They look good together. But, I gotta tell you, he sure does make it hard on the rest of us guys."   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
Sonny hesitated a moment before answering. He wasn't sure if he should explain his conversation with Kevin regarding Johnny or not. Deciding to be open and honest he sat back and answered her.   
  
"Kevin and I were talking about how Johnny treats women. I asked him how guys like us learn what Johnny learned when we didn't have the same advantage he did in learning how to treat women… you know, with a woman like his grandmother."   
  
Alexis was stunned at the honesty Sonny was showing her. For him to ask such a question of anyone proved that he was doing a lot of soul searching. She was curious to know what Kevin told him.   
  
"What was Kevin's response?"   
  
"He said that most guys stumble around in the dark until they land on something that works for them, but that it was usually a trial by error process."   
  
"Trial by error?"   
  
"Yeah. You try a lot of stuff until you hit on the one thing that works."   
  
"Seems like a lot of time would be wasted with that process."   
  
"That's what he said."   
  
"Did he offer any other way around the issue?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
Alexis could tell he was becoming uneasy, but couldn't understand why. So she pressed a little harder.   
  
"What other way did he suggest?"   
  
"The other way requires that a man swallow his pride and ask the woman what it is that she needs from him."   
  
"Oh."   
  
Sonny felt like he was walking around blind in a small room without knowing where the door was. He knew all he had to do was carry the conversation just one more step and ask her what she needed of him, but he was reluctant to follow through. It would be so easy for her to reject him in a conversation like this. Taking another moment to settle his nerves, he reminded himself that Alexis was the one who counted now. She deserved the best that he could give her.   
  
"He told me that he wasn't willing to set his pride aside so he took the long way around and did the trial by error thing. I told him I didn't have a lot of time to fumble around in the dark like that and he agreed that if I wanted to know what you needed from me then I was going to have to swallow my pride and ask... so... so I'm asking."   
  
Alexis' heart was racing. She was hearing all the words, but she was having a hard time accepting what he was saying. What she needed from him? Sonny was asking what she needed from him? Why? She needed to know why.   
  
"You're asking me what I need from you? I don't understand what you want from me, Sonny."   
  
Sonny sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands up and down his face a couple of times. Wishing the words would come easy he tried again.   
  
"Somehow Johnny knows what it is that a woman needs to make her happy. Kevin says his grandmother taught him how to be... you know... the way he is... I don't know how to explain it. But, whatever it is... I want... " He sighed with frustration and tried again. "You know I'm not good with words... I never have been. Maybe that's the problem here... but I need to know what you need from me."   
  
"Why, Sonny? Where is this coming from?"   
  
Putting his elbows on the table and bowing his head to rest in his hands, Sonny looked deep inside himself and let go of the remaining fear of rejection and let his heart talk for him.   
  
"I need to know because I want to give you what you need to be happy with me. I need to know because you deserve everything you want and more. I need to know because I love you and I want you to have everything you've never had and always wanted. You are important to me. I have spent my life looking out for myself and I don't want to anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life looking out for you." 

Her quiet stunned words interrupted him.  
  
"You what?"   
  
"I want to spend the rest... "   
  
"Not that part."   
  
"You're what's important... "   
  
"Before that."   
  
Sonny knew what she wanted him to say again and he smiled. Getting up from his chair he went around the table to kneel beside her. Taking both of her hands in his he gave her what she wanted.   
  
"You mean the part about me loving you?"   
  
"Yeah, that part."   
  
Did she hear him correctly? Did he say he loved her? Was she dreaming? She wanted more. She needed to know if it was real. When did he... She reached up slowly and touched her fingers to his cheek. That answered one question. He really was kneeling beside her. Her whisper caused his smile to widen.

"When?"  
  
"When? I really can't put a date on it. But, I realized it when I took that trip I told you about. You know, to your school then to Carnegie Hall and Puerto Rico. Remember. I told you I found you. I did, but I found so much more on that trip than I ever thought I would. But, I don't want to talk about me, Alexis. I want to talk about you." 

She shook her head at him.  
  
"And I can't talk about me without talking about you. But Sonny, you have to know that it can't work between us. We're too different. There's too much that can go wrong. I have to think about the baby." 

She couldn't have known how much her first statement affected him. If she did, it would have never found its way to his ears. To join herself so intimately with him with a few simple words… It left him fighting to keep from pulling her into his arms. Instead he centered himself on the remainder of her words.  
  
"Alexis, this is not the time to talk about the baby. Now, don't go getting angry before I get the chance to explain why I said that. Kevin hit me with something the other day that made me stop and think. He was trying to explain to me why this child means so much more to you than it does to me. I was ready to deck him for saying it. You know how much I've wanted a kid of my own. But what he said was, that in some way maybe the reason I wanted a child was so I could have a chance to prove I wasn't like Mike or Deke. And there is some truth in what he said. So before I can discuss our child, we need to settle what's between us first."   
  
Looking down at her hands that still lay within his, Alexis suddenly felt confined. She couldn't explain it, but something deep inside kept pulling at her.   
  
"Sonny, can we go outside? Just take a walk?"   
  
"Sure, whatever you want."   
  
"That's going to take some getting used to."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Whatever I want... Do you remember the last time you said that to me?"   
  
Sonny helped her up and turned her toward the door. His mind was frantically searching his memories of their time together and then he remembered.   
  
"Would you be surprised if I said yes even though I know it will cause hurt for both of us?"   
  
As they walked companionably outside Alexis lifted her head slightly to see his face. With his response she knew they were sharing the same memory. It needed to be dealt with so she pressed on.   
  
"Tell me."   
  
"The day I went back to Carly. I told you I respected you and would do whatever you wanted." 

The memory hurt. It always did when she thought of it.  
  
"I couldn't let you stay any longer. I knew you were still tied to her."   
  
"Even though I hurt you a lot that day, you still gave in to what you thought I wanted. You always did that. You gave all of yourself to me and I gave nothing back to you. Why did you put up with me so long?"   
  
"Because I.... I had to. There is something in you that draws me… tugs at a part of me that I can't deny. I can't always explain what I feel... it's just there."   
  
As they walked along Sonny reached for her hand and held it gently. He wanted to pull her close, but he wouldn't rush her. He would let her make the next move now.   
  
"You and I… we had this remarkable friendship. But, now I realize that it was you who put the most into it. You fed it; cultivated it, as Johnny would say. I didn't put into it as much as you did and for that I apologize. I want to change that. I want to be the one who gives this time. But, I don't know how. I need you to teach me what it is that you need from me. You once tried to teach me how to wait... now I'm asking you to teach me how to love." 

Fear suddenly mounted within her. Fear that she would be forced to relive the pain all over again should he decide he wanted someone else.  
  
"Sonny, I don't know that I can. I mean... I don't ever want to feel that kind of hurt again."   
  
"And neither do I. Watching you walk away from me the other day... watching you turn to Johnny when your memory came back... I know the hurt now. I don't ever want you to feel like that ever again."   
  
"But, you know I will don't you?"   
  
Sonny stopped walking and coaxed her to sit with him on a bench nearby.   
  
"Why do you say that?"   
  
Alexis sat still a moment then reached for his hand.   
  
"You know what I still have to remember and you know that it will be painful for me."   
  
Sonny bowed his head. He wanted to look into her eyes and tell her everything would be ok. But, he couldn't. He needed to be honest with her.   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Sonny, please answer me one question. I need to know."   
  
"If I can, I will. But, I can't tell you what you don't know yet."   
  
"Did I hurt you? Did I say or do something that hurt you? There is this image I see of me screaming at someone. I need to know if it was you." 

If she was talking about the last time they were in each others presence then Sonny knew that Alexis was just around the corner from remembering her sister and he knew he couldn't handle it alone if she did remember. So he answered as vaguely as he could while still trying to alleviate her worry.  
  
"Alexis... I can't honestly answer that without handing out more information than you are ready for right now. But, what I can tell you is that you have not done anything against me that was not warranted or deserved."   
  
Alexis dropped her shoulders with a heavy sigh. His answer didn't satisfy her questions.   
  
"I wish I could remember the rest. If I could just remember it, I could get back to my life. I feel like I'm trapped with nowhere I can go... like there's no way to escape. I know the memory is going to hurt, but what could be worse than being stuck here while life goes on without me."   
  
Alexis looked at Sonny with pleading eyes.   
  
"I need this to be over, Sonny. You want to know what I need from you... I need the truth. I need to know what it is that I can't remember."   
  
Sonny felt his heart drop. The one thing that he knew would take her from him was the one thing she wanted from him. Could he do it? Could he give her what she wanted knowing it would cost him whatever love she may still feel for him? He knew what it would take to bring back all of her memory... Could he do it? Was he strong enough to let her go if that was what she chose?   
  
"Alexis, I want to tell you again that I love you. Your face fills my dreams at night and I wake every morning hoping for a chance to see you. I would like to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much I do love you. But, you have asked the one thing of me that I know will take you away from me. It was not you that hurt me. I caused everything that eventually put you here. It was my fault. I can't change what happened. If giving up my life would change everything, I would do it without hesitation. Before I can give you what you want, you must talk to both Johnny and Kevin. They know everything as well. What concerns me most is how you will react when you do have it all. If Kevin thinks it is too soon, then I have to listen to him."   
  
"You would do this for me, knowing that it could cost us our friendship and whatever else we are to each other?"   
  
"Yes. I know of no other way to prove that I know you are so much more to me than anyone else that I have ever been with. In asking you to tell me what you need from me, I never thought that you would ask for your memory. But, I can't go back on my word to you. It's the only way I know to show you that you can trust me now."   
  
Alexis didn't know what to think. Yes, she loved him. But, he was now telling her that her love could be compromised with the return of her memory. What could have happened that would cause her to walk away from him again?   
  
"Let's not discuss it further until I have a chance to talk to Kevin. Why don't we just continue our walk? Maybe the walk will help settle the confusion some."   
  
Sonny stood and accepted the hand she offered him. His heart was heavy. Knowing this could be the last walk they shared together he let go of her hand and put his arm around her and pulled her close. He needed to feel her in his arms. He needed to tell her once more.   
  
"Alexis, whatever happens, always remember that I will love you for the rest of my life."


	61. Chapter 61

**__**

Chapter 61   
  
  
Arriving back at her suite, Alexis invited Sonny to stay with her the rest of the afternoon. At his acceptance she led him into the living room and they sat down together on the sofa. Reaching for his hand, Alexis glanced at him and saw that there was something on his mind and he was having a hard time with it.   
  
"What is it, Sonny? Tell me!"   
  
"I… I need to do this for you, but I know what it's going to cost me. It's just not right… I mean normal for me to do something that I know will cost me something that means this much to me. This… this is my life too we're talking about. I want the chance to learn how to love you the way you deserve to be loved and I'm trying my best to keep looking at this from your point of view, but… but it's hard. If this were business, it wouldn't be a problem. I could look at it more objectively. But, this… this is you we're talking about." 

Alexis was afraid for him and her concern for what he was doing to himself was mounting with every word that came from him.  
  
"Don't you think you're being just a bit too hard on yourself. How do you know how I'm going to react?"   
  
"I just know. Look, are you sure you want to force this? I mean I told Kevin a few days ago that I was thinking about doing this for you before you even asked, but then I was looking at it from my side. It's different now. I don't know how he did it, but Kevin's been helping me see things different lately."   
  
"For myself, I want to know. But, I don't want to lose what may be happening between us. You told me that you know how I feel about you, but I don't know if I have actually said the words to you. I… I don't remember if I ever said them to you. I've always been somewhat afraid of those words. Afraid of what will happen... who will be taken from me next because I dared to love." 

Sonny tightened his hold on her hands and pulled them closer to him.  
  
"Alexis, It is for that reason that I think I have to take this chance… you know, to... to prove to you that you can be loved... that you more than anyone else I have ever known deserve to be loved. I want the privilege... the honor. I... I don't like admitting... I mean... damn... I mean just once I'd like to be the one that the girls gather around the water fountain to talk about... you know... like they do about 'him'. Is it wrong to want to be respected that way? I want to be the kind of man who knows how to treat the woman he loves. I want to love you like... well... like Johnny does... I mean for Joy. That makes me pretty selfish, doesn't it?" 

Alexis smiled and reached up to lay her palm against his cheek. He wanted so much to be what she needed him to be. His eyes were filled with love and sincerity. She felt every word he was saying deep in her heart.

  
"No, it doesn't make you selfish. But, I've never heard you talk like this before, Sonny. I am beginning to think maybe it's not such a good idea to force the memories." 

He pulled her hand from his cheek and kissed her palm before holding it close to his chest. His eyes grew darker with the pain of knowing he would soon lose her again.

  
"Whether you remember now or at some later date, the result will still be the same. If I give it to you now, at least you will be able to leave here sooner. It's all I can give you now in order to get you home and back to your life. So you make the decision. Do you want to know now or do you want to wait for it to come on its own?"   
  
"I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I have a healthy fear of what it is. I live with that fear every day. It keeps me right on the edge, constantly waiting. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff where the slightest breeze could send me into an abyss of blackness. That is my biggest fear. I honestly think I could handle it if I knew it wouldn't send me back into that place." 

He sat back and pulled her with him.  
  
"Kevin would be able to answer that question, but I don't think that will happen."   
  
"How do you know?"   
  
"First, because I won't do anything unless Johnny and Kevin are right here with you and second, Johnny won't let you go back there. He knows he'll have me to deal with if he lets you slip away from me again. Besides I don't think it would have happened in the first place if you hadn't been left alone the day it happened."   
  
Alexis stood releasing her hold on Sonny and walked to the window. There was so much to consider in making the decision. If Sonny was right then the memory would tear her away from him. If he was wrong, the pain would be just as real, but he would be there to help her through it. But what if the memory was so devastating that she slipped away again. She jumped slightly as Sonny's arms stole around her from behind. Needing his strength she relaxed against him and folded her arms over his.   
  
"I don't want to lose you again, Sonny. It hurt too much the first time. I don't ever want to hurt like that again."   
  
"I don't want to lose you either, Alexis. But, I have things that I have to answer for and it's time. Things happened that I didn't expect to happen, but they did and now I have to pay for them. It's time I stood up and took responsibility for my actions for the choices I made that allowed certain things to happen. I love you too much to continue the way I have been. You are going to be hurt by the memories. In fact, you need to prepare yourself in any way you can because what is coming will cause you more pain than you can imagine right now."   
  
"Sonny, you're scaring me."   
  
"I know, and I'm sorry. But, you have to be prepared for the worst."   
  
Turning in his arms to face him, Alexis lay her head on his shoulder and put her arms around him.   
  
Sonny could feel her trembling in his arms and his heart felt the ache of sorrow. He wanted so much to be able to shield her from what was coming, but he knew he couldn't. All he could do was give her the memories and hope their love was strong enough to withstand the fallout. Sonny would stay as long as he could... as long as she allowed him to before shutting him out of her life as he expected her to do. Leaning back just enough to catch her eyes, he let himself sink into their depths for a moment before he gently leaned down to kiss her. He needed to kiss her just once before he made the call to Kevin. As he felt her respond to him, he closed his arms around her tighter and held on as if his life depended on her... knowing in that moment that it did.   
  
Savoring the moment a bit longer, he finally released her and gazed into eyes that very clearly spoke of her love for him.   
  
"Let me call Kevin. I figure Johnny should be back in a couple of hours. We'll just sit here and wait until they get here."   
  
Alexis could see how much this was hurting Sonny. He was absolutely convinced that she would walk away from him once all of her memory was intact. Rather than try to convince him otherwise, she let him make the call to Kevin then she took him by the hand and led him back to the sofa and sat down with him. Taking hold of his arm she wrapped it around her shoulders and leaned closer to him laying her head on his shoulder.   
  
"Can we just forget all this stuff until the guys get here? I just want to sit here with you. You have no idea how many times I dreamed of being with you quietly like this. Did you know... well, I know you don't know because I didn't tell you. But, do you remember the first night you slept on my couch?"   
  
"Wasn't that the night you had some kind of dream... you woke up and I was standing by your bed."   
  
"Yeah, that's the night. And by the way, what were you doing in my bedroom?"   
  
"I heard something. I was just checking on you. I remember you looked pretty flushed."   
  
Remembering the dream Alexis blushed profusely and tried to hide it.   
  
Sonny saw her reaction and grinned.   
  
"Yeah, just like that. Must have been one heck of a dream."   
  
"It was."   
  
"Come on, give. What was it about?"   
  
Shifting nervously, Alexis regretted bringing it up.   
  
"No, I've changed my mind. I think I'll plead the fifth."   
  
Sonny wasn't about to let her get away with hiding it so he turned the table on her.   
  
"That's ok, I already know what it was about. I mean it's not every day I get woke up in the middle of the night by a beautiful woman calling my name out in her sleep."   
  
"SONNY!"   
  
Sonny ducked as Alexis jumped away from him slapping at his arm.   
  
"I DIDN'T AND YOU KNOW IT."   
  
Enjoying the game Sonny added a little more spice to the action.   
  
"Why else would I be in a beautiful woman's bedroom... when all I was supposed to be doing was protecting her. I'm telling you... you called me."   
  
"You're a raving lunatic. There is no way. I do not talk in my sleep. You're making it up."   
  
He was laughing so hard he fell backward pulling her with him so that she landed on top of him. By that time they were both laughing uncontrollably.   
  
Calming down somewhat, Alexis looked into Sonny's eyes and realized how much she had missed his laughter.   
  
"Oh, Sonny. Why must it be so hard?"   
  
Straightening up he pulled her back into his arms and held her close.   
  
"Because for us, for you and me, it was the hand we were dealt. We've survived a hell of a lot in our life. But, it's made us strong. You said it first, remember? We're survivors. And somehow, some way we'll survive this too. I want you to remember something for me though, Alexis. When you have it all and you've had a chance to process it and accept it... please remember me. Remember this moment... remember that I love you and that I am asking you to forgive me for all that I put you through. That's all that I will ask of you... know that if I could take it all back I would. I would give my life to have it all undun. Just... remember me... please " 

She leaned closer and kissed him chastely on the cheek.  
  
"I promise... I will remember."   
  
The two of them sat on the sofa together holding each other and waited for the time to come when they would be torn apart by the memory of past events. He knew it was inevitable and could only pray that she would forgive him for his mistakes. For Alexis, she sat there trying to remember a past that threatened not only her sanity, but the love of a man she needed and desperately wanted in her life.   
  
As the sun began its descent, the two lovers who still sat together waiting patiently, jumped slightly as the knock they dreaded finally came. Sonny looked into Alexis eyes once more and whispered, "Just remember... "   
  
At her small frightened smile he kissed her cheek quickly then went to let Kevin in.   
  
As the two men came back, Alexis rose and quietly greeted Kevin.   
  
"Hi, Kevin. Thank you for coming by. I'll let Sonny explain why we called you."   
  
Motioning Kevin to the chair by the sofa, Sonny reclaimed his seat by Alexis. Taking her hand in his he squeezed it reassuringly and gave his attention to Kevin.   
  
"I know I've mentioned this to you earlier, but I shelved the idea thinking it was probably not such a good one. However, Alexis and I have been talking and she wants to go ahead with it. The idea being that I give her what she needs in order to regain the rest of her memory. It is her choice... I have not pressured her into it in any way. I understand that this will probably cost me my relationship with her, but it's the only thing I can give her now that will assure her of being able to leave here and get back to her life. We talked about it quite a bit today and since you know the medical side of it we agreed to talk to you first."   
  
Kevin sat there a moment to let everything Sonny said sink in. He studied them both carefully to get a sense of where they were emotionally before he addressed the problem. He knew what this could cost Sonny and he had a good idea of how Sonny would react if Alexis chose not to see him again once it was all out in the open and it concerned him. But, he figured he could deal with Sonny, what concerned him most was Alexis. If she chose to walk away from Sonny, it would be another monumental loss for her and he didn't know if she was strong enough to handle the devastation of it again. What he did know for certain was that nothing would happen until Johnny returned.   
  
"Ok. Let's start with you, Sonny. Why now?"   
  
"Because it's what Alexis wants."   
  
"And you didn't encourage this in any way? Oh hell, never mind. I know the answer to that question. Alexis, what about you? Why now?"   
  
"Because it's time. I want my life back. I don't want to spend my life shut up in here if I know there is any chance of getting out. I need this over with so I can get on with my life."   
  
"And if the memory costs you your relationship with Sonny?"   
  
"He and I have discussed that possibility. I would rather keep that conversation between the two of us."   
  
"Are you sure this is what you want? I have to tell you, I don't think it's a good idea. I didn't think it was when Sonny first approached me with it. It's too risky. You're not ready yet."   
  
"The risk is mine to take, Kevin. And besides, I'll have both Johnny and Sonny with me... and you if I can convince you to stick around. With all that support, it seems to me the risk is considerably less."   
  
"What risk?"   
  
Everyone turned as Johnny entered the room with Joy close behind.   
  
Speaking for the group, Kevin briefly filled Johnny in on what was going on.   
  
"Sonny wants to enlighten Alexis regarding what remains of her memory loss and Alexis has agreed to it."   
  
"**_NO_**."   
  
All eyes turned in shock at Johnny's adamant response.


	62. Chapter 62

  
**_  Chapter 62_**   
  
Hearing Johnny's response, Alexis stood and walked toward him with a frown of concern on her face.   
  
"Johnny? What's wrong? Why don't you want me to know the rest?"   
  
"Alexis, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to sound so forceful. It's not that I don't want you to know it. I simply don't want you to deal with it tonight."   
  
Alexis looked back at Kevin then toward Sonny.   
  
Thinking he could help Alexis explain the reasons behind their decision, Sonny stood and went to stand beside her and started to address Johnny. Before he could even speak Alexis stopped him.   
  
"No Sonny, please let me take care of this. It's my memory we're discussing and since Johnny has been with me through all of this, he has a right to his opinion and I want to hear it. Johnny... why? What is it that's disturbing you?"   
  
Glancing back at Joy who stood just behind him, he saw her slight nod then turned back to send a quick look at Sonny then Kevin. He was not concerned about them, but he didn't want to step on any toes either. Looking back at Alexis he saw the moment she realized he didn't want an audience while he talked to her.  When she reached toward him he silently took her hand in his and followed her out of the room and into the kitchen.   
  
"Now, tell me what it is that is concerning you, Johnny. Just between you and me. You know I trust you, so the fact that you have a problem with this is important to me. So please, tell me."   
  
"It's just that it's late. Things somehow seem worse at night than they do in the daytime. All I'm saying is I don't think it's such a good idea for you to do this tonight. Wait until in the morning. What you are going to find out is going to be bad enough without adding additional stress to the situation. That's it. That's all that is concerning me. I'm just asking you to wait until in the morning."   
  
Alexis looked deep into Johnny's eyes and weighed his words. She finally saw what she was looking for. As always before in their time together there were no ulterior motives; he had no wish to hide anything from her. He simply wanted what was best for her.   
  
"You're afraid of how I'll react to the new memories, aren't you? They're bad enough that I could possibly go back, right?"   
  
"Yes, I am concerned about how you will react. But I promise you I won't let you go back there. Please don't do this without me. I have to be there when you are told… as your friend; someone that you know only wants you to be well and happy. Promise me, Alexis. Promise me you won't do this without me."   
  
Seeing his increasing agitation she stepped closer to him and put her arms around him to calm him down.   
  
"Johnny, I would never have thought about doing this without you. I couldn't. You've been my rock in all of this. I woke up to your kind and gentle face.  Please don't worry so much."   
  
Alexis let go of him and stepped back just enough for him to be able to see how serious she was.   
  
"It was you who cared enough to be here with me and take care of me.  You made me feel safe enough to wake up. I promise you I will not… could not leave you out of this. I need... I mean you have to be there... you know... in case... "   
  
Tapping her on the nose he grinned and lightened the mood.   
  
"Now do you think I would actually let you go anywhere with me now, partner. I'm kinda' liking this little thing we got going here."   
  
Alexis knew she needed to tell Johnny about her new relationship with Sonny so she let go of him and turned to head out the door.   
  
"Good, then it's settled. Hey, why don't I get rid of everybody and we sit down and have a talk. I'd like to catch you up on what's been going on today."   
  
"I'm all for that, but I just have one request."   
  
"What's that."   
  
"Don't get rid of my wife just yet, okay?"   
  
"_YOUR WIFE_?"   
  
"Yeah, the woman who's out there waiting to... _oooffff_."   
  
Johnny didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Alexis squealed and jumped back into his arms.   
  
"Johnny, you got married?"   
  
"Yeah, we did it last night. We just wanted it to be the two of us. I told her she could do it up right later if she wanted to, but she didn't. She wanted it just the way I did. It was great. She's great."   
  
"I think you're great, Johnny. Now, come on. I have to congratulate the bride."   
  
Alexis drug Johnny back into the living room by the hand only to drop it in order to give Joy the biggest hug she could.   
  
"Congratulations, Joy. You got the real prize this time."   
  
While Alexis and Johnny in the kitchen Joy was busy informing Kevin and Sonny of their marriage. Hearing Alexis' description of Johnny, Sonny stepped closer to Alexis to tease her a bit.   
  
"Uh, if he's a prize what does that make me?"   
  
Laughing at Sonny's question Alexis turned to answer him.   
  
"A prize in training."   
  
Chuckling at her reply, Sonny stepped closer and whispered in her ear.   
  
"Someday you'll pay for that one."   
  
"Promises. Promises."   
  
Taking hold of his arm, Alexis addressed the group, but left her eyes focused on Sonny.   
  
"Guys, I've agreed to wait until in the morning to hear the rest of the story. Sonny, I listened to his reasons for wanting to wait and it makes sense. So, if it's ok with you, will you come by in the morning around 10? Would that be ok with you, Kevin?"   
  
Kevin stood quietly and patiently waited to see what was going to take place. He had learned that once Alexis got something into her head it was a waste of time to try and change her mind.  But, he needed to at least try one more time.   
  
"Are you sure I can't talk you out of this?"   
  
"Kevin, I want to go home. I want to start building a life for my little girl. I can't do that until everything is out in the open and I've coped with it. If it's as bad as everyone thinks it is, my coping with it will probably take some time. The longer I wait, the longer it takes for me to deal with it. Please understand, Kevin. I need to do this. For me and for my little girl."   
  
"Alright. But, I'm asking you not to do this without me. Medically speaking, I need to be with you when this takes place. Agreed?"   
  
"Agreed. Can you make it at 10 in the morning?"   
  
"Yes. Do you want to do it here or would you like me to find a more neutral place?"   
  
"Thanks for remembering, Kevin. But, I think maybe it would be wise to do it here.  It's safe here.  I mean I feel safe here and I think it would be best for all of this to happen in the most comfortable place."   
  
"No argument from me. Now, if you'll excuse me... I would really like to get home to my wife."   
  
Taking his cue from Kevin, Sonny turned to Alexis.   
  
"Walk me out?"   
  
"I'd like that. Johnny, I'll be back in a minute. Joy, make yourself at home."   
  
Johnny watched Alexis walk out with Sonny, then turned to Joy.   
  
"Tomorrow is going to be real hard, Joy. How do you want to handle it for you and I?"   
  
Taking Johnny into a warm embrace, Joy looked up and kissed him softly. Placing her hand on his heart she eased his mind.   
  
"Ok, so we weren't expecting anything of this magnitude on our first evening back. Don't worry, Johnny. I know where your head is and I know where your heart is. You take care of Alexis. I'll go back to my place this evening and pack a bag. You need to spend some time with her tonight. Talk to her! Try to keep her from getting anxious about tomorrow. I'll come back in the morning like always and fix breakfast. I'll be here all day if you need me."   
  
"I love you, do you know that?"   
  
"Nah, you just like my cooking?"   
  
Hugging Joy tighter he voiced his concerns about the following day's trouble.   
  
"I'm worried about her, Joy. Her sister meant everything to her. I mean just look at how far she's buried her sister's memory. She doesn't remember anything at all about her and Kristina was with her for a whole year. It's going to be bad. And it looks like she and Sonny have come to some kind of understanding. Once she knows Kristina died in his warehouse... I don't know if I'm going to be able to help her handle all of it without losing her."   
  
"Do you know all of the circumstances surrounding her sister's death? I mean was it actually Sonny's fault?"   
  
"No, it wasn't. Someone was coming after him and Kristina was in the wrong place at the wrong time tending to business that wasn't hers to tend to."   
  
"So, when the time comes... that's what you tell Alexis."   
  
"I can't tell her that. She's going to be so angry and hurt by all of it that she's not going to want to hear the how and why."   
  
"She's a smart lady, Johnny. She will want to know. Maybe not at first... but Alexis is going to want to know everything. You know that. You're just letting your heart get in the way right now. Just wait until she's ready. She'll let you know when that is. But, you need to be ready for her to turn to Sonny as well. I saw her with him tonight and you're right. There is something different. They know what they feel for each other and I'm thinking they've probably voiced it at sometime today. So you just be prepared yourself for the time to come for her to look to him for comfort... because, my love, it will come. They've come too far together for them not to look to each other for what they need."   
  
"I know you're right, Joy. I'm just real worried right now. This is not going to be easy for any of us. I'm glad we got married last night. Just knowing that I have you with me heart and soul... I cannot tell you what that means to me right now. No matter what happens tomorrow, I know that at the end of the day, it's just going to be me and you. And that's enough for me."   
  
Leaning down slightly he kissed her. Everything that he was, everything that he had been... he put everything into that one kiss and received just as much from her. Holding her gently, he felt the depth of his love grow even deeper and he relaxed. It would all be ok now. No matter what happened tomorrow with Alexis and Sonny... Johnny's life was complete and his heart and soul finally rested. Because of Joy, he could be what he needed to be for Alexis... and Sonny and he could finally look into his own heart and know that the dreams of his 'Nana Rose' had come true at last. Johnny was truly loved."   
  
________________________   
  
As they stepped outside the door of the building, Sonny took Alexis by the hand and drew her to him. Holding her loosely and with care he looked deep into her eyes.   
  
"I want you to know that no matter what, even if you decide you don't want me around anymore after tomorrow... even if you can't keep your promise to remember me... I want you to know that I will always love you."   
  
Alexis wrapped her arms around Sonny and hugged him to her. She loved the feel of him in her arms. She remembered what it felt like to touch him. The tingle that went through her even if the touch was accidental... just to have him close enough to feel the heat emanating from him. She could not imagine anything that could be horrible enough to cause her to not want him in her life. Taking a step back she drew her hands to his chest where his heart beat and returned his gaze for a soul-searching moment. In his beautiful eyes she saw his pain, his fear of what was coming and she saw his love for her. Her heart broke at the raw emotion she saw in his eyes.   
  
"Sonny, what could be so horrible... what could have happened that would put that kind of fear in your eyes? If it weren't so important for me to know, I think I would almost give it up if it would take that look out of your eyes. But, I can't... I have to know. Do you understand? I mean really understand why I have to know."   
  
"Yeah, I understand. Nothing will ever be right for you until all of this is out there and you have your life back... until it is all settled for you. I can't lie to you though. I don't want to do this... I don't want to lose you... It's going to be hard to tell you what I have to tell you, but you have to know Alexis... this is going to hurt you more than you've ever been hurt before... maybe more than all of the past hurts put together. Please... when you go back in... sit with Johnny a while. Talk to him... let him do whatever it is that he does for you that makes you feel safe. Promise me, Alexis. Promise me you'll do that."   
  
Alexis saw his eyes fill with tears and pulled him to her again fiercely. Holding him tight with one arm she stroked his back gently with the other.   
  
"Hold me, Sonny. Hold me tight. Don't let go. Just for a little while... before I go."   
  
When she felt his arms tighten around her, she also felt him tremble with his restrained emotions. Knowing he needed to be reassured by her, she gave him her promise.   
  
"I promise I'll talk to Johnny. I promise you, I will. But, what will you do? I don't want to leave you alone. I don't want you to be alone tonight. Call Mike... no... Sonny, I want you to call Courtney. Tell her you need her... tell her you need someone to talk to. And talk to her. Tell her what's been going on. Tell her how you feel... talk to her like you talk to me. Now, it's your turn. You have to promise me now. Promise me, Sonny."   
  
Turning his head slightly he breathed in deeply the scent of her. That scent... the essence of her... the absolute fragrance of her... it was uniquely hers and it brought him achingly awake from nights filled with visions of her. Bringing his hands up to cup the back of her head he drew back just enough to be able to look deeply into eyes that would forever haunt him with their beauty, their depth... in her eyes he saw the man he wanted to be. Shaking his head ruefully he thought to himself how ironic the situation was. In order to become the man she knew he could be... he had to risk losing her.   
  
"You know, it's been a ride I will never regret. I promise you I will talk to Courtney. But I want you to know that if I had never known you... If I had never had the chance to have you in my life... I know without a doubt that I would have ended up dead or in prison by now. You saved my life, Alexis. How can I not do what I have to in order to make it a life worth saving?"   
  
As the two stood closely entwined, tears that needed release finally found their way down to land just above two hearts that beat together with a singular rhythm. Alexis made the final plea.   
  
"If what you say is true... if by some chance that I can't fathom at this moment... if I do turn away from you... Don't give up on me, Sonny. Follow me... force me to see you... do whatever you have to... but don't let me lose you. Don't let me walk away."   
  
Wrapping his arms tighter around her he rocked her gently back and forth to calm her as a sob barely escaped his own throat as he tried desperately to gain control of emotions that lay close to the edge of his own personal form of darkness. It was a whisper that finally met her ears.   
  
"I'll follow you... I won't let you leave me. Never again... you and I were meant to be together. We share a child between us... we weren't just friends all those months ago. We loved each other whether we knew it or not. It was just you and me... your soul and mine. We can't lose that. We've not had the best of childhoods, and our adult years have had their fair share of problems too. I need you. We need each other."   
  
Alexis separated herself from Sonny's arms just enough to be able to look at him. Reaching up slowly she traced her finger down the side of his face toward his jaw. Bringing her other hand up she wiped away the trail his tears had made down his other cheek then softly kissed one cheek and then the other.   
  
"Sonny, no more talk. Just be with me, here... right now. Leave tomorrow to itself."   
  
Smiling gently with a hint of hesitation, Sonny kissed Alexis. In his heart he knew that it could be the last time he held her like this. Resigning himself to what he knew was coming, he abandoned his restraint and deepened the kiss. As his passion for her took over his senses, he felt her follow his lead.   
  
Time paid heed and stood still for two friends who had become more... for two who had been taught by lives filled with misfortune and chaos that all they were guaranteed in life was the single moment they found themselves in. It had been burned into their hearts that the future was too uncertain to depend on. One knew that the past was something to leave behind and the other was slowly learning to let go. But tonight, they were given a moment to remember. A time of coming together... a time of rest from lives burdened with heartache, uncertainty and trouble. One moment that in years to come they would both look back on and smile.


	63. Chapter 63

  
**_  Chapter 63_**   
  
Leaving Sonny on the porch was one of the hardest things Alexis had ever done. But night was drawing near and they both made promises that needed to be kept. Opening the door to her suite and closing it gently behind her, she leaned against it and felt a loss that she hadn't felt in a long while. It was the loss of his presence. The last time she felt it this strong was the day he went back to Carly.   
  
Hearing the door open and close, Johnny knew it had to be Alexis and went to check on her. Rounding the corner, he saw her leaning against the door with a sad expression on her face. Drawing to a standstill beside her, he lay his hand on her shoulder. As she looked up, his heart stilled at the anguish he saw in her eyes. Taking her in his arms he pulled her to him and held her. He stroked her back calmly as he felt her shudder.   
  
"I take it you two finally confronted your feelings for each other?"   
  
He didn't hear her answer, but he felt her nod. Turning slowly without losing contact he led her into the living room and sat down with her on the sofa. Taking her hands in his he gently prodded her.   
  
"Talk to me, partner.  Doesn't have to be about Sonny... just talk. Tell me what's going on with you."   
  
Looking down at their clasped hands, Alexis tried to put away the image of Sonny that was still haunting her. He hadn't wanted to leave until she was safely back inside the building, so she stepped inside the door and walked just far enough away from the door to leave his sight. She waited a moment then went back to the door and watched him walk away through the window. He walked away as if his world had just come crashing down around him. Her heart broke for him, but there was nothing that could be done now. The die was cast and now it was only a matter of time.   
  
"He's hurting so much, Johnny. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could give him what he wants. But, I can't. I have to know. I need to know what happened."   
  
"He understands that, Alexis. That's why he's doing this. He's doing it for you because he loves you."   
  
"It's so... when did he... this isn't like him. Sonny's never done anything where there wasn't some angle in it for him. But, here he is taking this chance... for me... I don't... he's changing on me. I mean... Johnny, he says he loves me and he's doing this for me. There must be some truth... he honestly thinks I'm going to hate him once I know. How can I hate him? The man I have been with today is... I don't want... I can't lose him."

The more she talked… questioned Sonny's actions… the more agitated she became.  She shifted uneasily beside Johnny then suddenly threw her hands up adamantly stopping his response.

"Let's... let's just... not talk about it right now. Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to make a quick call; then I want to tell you what has happened today. I'd like to know your view on a few things."   
  
"Sure, here it is."   
  
Johnny watched as she took his phone and began searching his directory. Not wanting to intrude he made an effort to stand and move away but stopped as he felt her hand pull him back down. She continued to peruse his directory until she found who she was looking for. Hearing the sound of his phone dialing, he knew she found the name she was looking for and glanced back at her face. She smiled at him and took hold of his hand. Waiting patiently he heard her begin to speak to the person on the other end of the line and was not surprised at all when he heard who Alexis called.   
  
"Courtney, it's Alexis. I know I haven't spoken to you in a long time, but please know that I wouldn't be calling this late if it weren't important. Sonny needs you. He is on his way home right now. May I please ask you to be there when he gets home? He needs someone to talk to. I made him promise me he would talk to you. He needs his family... he needs you right now. Will you go?  Please ..... Thank you, Courtney. I promise you won't regret it."   
  
Disconnecting the call, Alexis turned to Johnny and handed his phone back to him.   
  
"That's all I can do for him now. It won't be easy for him... but, I think it will help."   
  
"You totally amaze me, Alexis. As much as you have on the line right now, you still think of everyone else first." 

She shook her head as a look of sad resignation fell across her face.

  
"Not true. If I were thinking of everyone else I wouldn't be forcing Sonny to do something he doesn't really want to do tomorrow. If I were thinking of everyone else, I'd let this go and just be satisfied that I have most all of my memory back."   
  
"You know you can't do that, Alexis. You know that to be complete... you have to know. You can't just sit back and let things happen... I know that now. This need you have to be in control of your life is too compelling for you. You're not able to just sit back and let life come at you... you meet it head on so that you can be somewhat prepared for what it brings. That's what you're doing now. I understand, Alexis and so does Sonny."   
  
"If what he says is true... Johnny, he thinks I will turn my back on him tomorrow. If by some chance that I can't see right now... if that happens... Make sure he doesn't leave here alone. Since I know you won't leave my side, will you ask Joy to take care of him? Give her Courtney and Mike's number. Have her call Courtney first. Better yet, ask her to call anyway and have Courtney here waiting for him. Make sure he's not alone. You know him Johnny, he will try to retreat into that dark hole of his. If you think it's necessary make Kevin go with him. Please Johnny, will you promise me?"   
  
"I'll take care of it, Alexis. I promise. You can trust me. Now what say we change the conversation a bit. Go on and tell me what you've been up to today. Sounds like it's been a rather full day for you."   
  
"It has. It started with Kevin early this morning. He saw me out walking earlier than usual and cornered me. He certainly knows how to get to the heart of a matter."   
  
Settling back into the cushion of the sofa, Johnny relaxed a bit and listened as Alexis began to tell him about her conversation with Kevin. He smiled slightly as Alexis absentmindedly reached out to take his hand in hers. He knew that all she was looking for was a simple connection. One friend to another and his heart warmed that she felt so comfortable with him that she was willing to allow herself that one comfort. Returning his attention to her he listened attentively.   
  
"Kevin figured out my secret."   
  
Johnny grinned wider and couldn't resist the temptation to tease her a bit.   
  
"Great balls of fire, you have a _SECRET_? How in the world did he ever figure that one out?"   
  
Alexis laughed and gently swatted at him with her right hand not willing to let go of the hold she had on his right hand.   
  
"Okay, wise guy... that's your one for the day."   
  
He watched as she quieted and became serious. He knew by the look on her face that she was about to tell him what that secret was and in that moment he felt honored that she would trust him with secrets that she had held onto for a lifetime. Understanding the faith that she was showing him caused his heart to still a moment and the quiet voice of his 'Nana Rose' came to him as he remembered one of the last conversations they shared together before she left him.   
  
_"My_ _Little Johnny, there will come a time when you will be asked to live up to the truths that I have tried to instill in you while you were with me. Someone... someday... will need you to be honorable, trustworthy and compassionate. They will need you to be the man that I know you can be. Do not fail them. Listen to them with your heart, hear what they cannot say... look as far inside as you can... their life may depend on it. Put yourself in their shoes... walk the miles with them. If you can get deep enough to see what they see then you can help them heal... you can help them come out of the darkness into light. You are a special man, my boy. You have the heart to help heal those who hurt... don't ever lose that. You are the son I never had. I've loved you as if you were born of my body. You are ready to stand on your own... now go. Be happy... find the love of your life... and reach out to those who would be worthy to be called friend. You have been my comfort, my joy, my wealth... my son. You made my life richer and through you I will live on." _  
  
As he remembered her words, tears came into his eyes and he ducked his head to try and hide them from Alexis. She needed him and he wanted desperately not to fail her. This was the time that his 'Nana Rose' told him about. This was his time to help heal... and his heart found comfort that it was to be someone that he had grown to love and cherish as a friend. He grew still as he looked inward to that part of his heart that held the most precious gift he had ever been given... his 'Nana Rose'. He silently spoke to her, 'Help me Nana, help me not to fail her. She is a part of me. She is my one true friend. Please help me be what she needs me to be.'   
  
Alexis felt Johnny grow unusually still beside her and she looked over at him and her own heart stilled at the pure love and adoration she found on his face. His eyes were closed and he wore a reverent smile. In an instant she knew who he was thinking of and she waited. She waited out of respect for a woman who knew what men and women should be to one another, respect for a woman who knew what it meant to love unconditionally, and above all respect for the woman who took in a small boy and raised him to be the man who sat beside her now. As a few more moments passed she saw his eyes open and the tears that pooled in the corners of his eyes gently found their way down to sooth a heart filled with love for his grandmother. As he looked over at her, she smiled and reached up to lift one tear from his face. Holding it up between them she spoke softly.   
  
"This is what makes it all worthwhile. This is what I lost as a child. Johnny, this is what I want to give my own baby girl. But, I don't know if I have it within me to give her something I never had. All I can do is love her with all of my heart and hope that it will be enough."   
  
Raising his hand to hers she placed the moistness of the tear in the palm of his hand and took his hand in hers. As she closed her hand around his she felt the moment her hand became wet with the tear he shed for a woman he had loved and honored with all of his heart.   
  
"I grew up without love, without a mother's love... I lost so much more than my mother when she was murdered. I lost my way... my identity... and the only reason I survived it all was because I separated myself from it. I changed my name and made decisions that would take me as far away from that little girl as I could get."   
  
"It didn't work, did it?"   
  
"No, she followed me. That's what Kevin came at me with today. You know, I used to be able to hide what I was feeling. There was a time when I was strong, decisive... in control of my feelings and myself. But, since I woke up here... it's just not the same any more. Something in me has changed... I can feel it. Somewhere along the way, '_she_' decided she wasn't content to stay hidden anymore. And I have to fight so much harder to keep her under some semblance of control."   
  
Alexis saw Johnny frown slightly and assumed it was out of confusion.   
  
"I'm sorry, I'm not making a lot of sense right now. Her name is 'Natasha'... "   
  
"That was your name when you were a child, right?"   
  
"Yes... but, it's so much more than just a name. She is the other side of me. She is the part of me that is full of anger, resentment and bitterness for a world that took from her the life she was supposed to have. She makes herself known when I get into trouble and cannot handle certain situations. It's kind of like two people in one." 

Johnny nodded with agreement.  
  
"I totally understand that. It's like me now and the person I was as Sonny's bodyguard. Two different kinds of people inside one skin."   
  
Alexis was shocked that Johnny could relate so well to what she was saying. She shifted her position so she could look directly at him without turning her head.   
  
"Exactly. Johnny, how do you deal with it so well?"   
  
Johnny looked down at her hand that still lay in his and wondered how he was going to answer that particular question. He lowered his voice to answer her. It was something he always did unconsciously when he wanted to hide his words from that part of his heart that his Nana resided in.   
  
"Actually, I think it's a little different for men. We have this way of rationalizing what we do because it's the end result we are focused on. For me, my job was to protect. I did what I was supposed to do. End of story."   
  
Smiling compassionately, Alexis shook her head from side to side.   
  
"Uhmm... no, I don't think I'm going to let you get away with that. You are not that callous. You can't turn off that little voice inside your heart that easily. Come on... you can do better than that. Tell me, Johnny. Tell me the truth. How did you do it?"   
  
She knew... he wouldn't be able to hide it from her so he told her the truth.   
  
"It wasn't me who stood outside that door day in and day out. It was somebody else. In my head I invented this other person. And when time came for my shift, I just put him on like you would a glove or something. I knew what I was doing wouldn't sit too well with Nana. She never knew what I did for Sonny. At the end of the day when I went home just before I opened my door I took him off. It really wasn't such a hard decision to make. I mean coming here to be with you. It was an enormous relief. I could finally put away that guy and just be me."   
  
"Ahhh. Now I know."   
  
"Know what?"   
  
"I was having a little trouble reconciling the man I woke up to with the man who stood outside my door on any number of occasions. Now, I know. You were hiding... just like me... well not just like me, but close."   
  
"What a pair, huh?"   
  
"Thank you for telling me. It helps knowing I'm not alone."   
  
"You know, you've done quite a lot for me, Alexis. And you didn't even know it."   
  
"I think you're going to have to explain that one. I'm the one in the looney bin remember."   
  
"Because of you, I can hear the voice of my Nana clearer now. Before I came here to be with you I had to keep shutting down so I couldn't hear her because I knew she wouldn't approve of my choices. I knew she would be disappointed in me and I couldn't face that. But, when I left Sonny, I didn't have to anymore. I've begun remembering more of our conversations. Things that I had forgotten are coming back to me. I owe that to you... because you cared enough to pay attention to me all the times you did when I was standing out in that hall."   
  
"I think I could fall in love with you Johnny O'Brien if I wasn't already tied to someone else. By the way, where is Joy? She should be here with you."   
  
"Joy went home to pack a bag. I kind of took her by surprise last night. She'll be back in the morning."   
  
"Johnny, no. She should be here with you tonight. Call her and tell her to come back. You need to be with your wife."   
  
"Alexis, we already talked about it. I'm doing what she told me to do. I'm taking care of my friend tonight and tomorrow. She will be here all day tomorrow if I need her."   
  
"It's not right, Johnny. A man should be with his wife."   
  
"Alexis, a man needs to know he is loved and cared for. I have that. Joy loves me and she cares about me and she cares about what I think is important. She also knows that right now I need to help a friend and so does she. She loves you just as much as I do. Now let it go. Everyone is where they are supposed to be right now. You took care of Sonny a few minutes ago by calling Courtney and now I'm taking care of you. The time will come when you and he will take care of each other and Joy and I will be on our own doing the same for each other... as it should be. I believe that."   
  
"You really do, don't you?"   
  
"Yes. You two are supposed to be together. He has the love to give you inside him. He just doesn't know how to show it. He's never been with someone he wanted to give his whole heart to before. He doesn't know how. You can teach him... give him what he needs from you. You already know how... you've already done it. You gave him your love... unconditionally. That is what he needed."   
  
"He told me that no matter what happens tomorrow... he told me to remember him. Will I be able to, Johnny? I am so frightened about what he is going to tell me. He thinks I'll walk away from him for good. That scares me."   
  
"The one thing that I will say tonight and that I will repeat tomorrow after you know... just remember, nothing is always as it seems."   
  
"I don't want to lose him, Johnny. I... can't. Not again."   
  
"Then you won't. Tomorrow is going to be hard... incredibly hard but, if that is what is truly in your heart, then you will find a way to get past it all. And he will be there waiting for you."   
  
"What if '_she_' shows up?"   
  
"Personally, I hope she does. You need to take hold of her and make her a functioning part of yourself. You need to recognize that you need her as much as she needs you. Stop thinking of her as '_she_'. You are Natasha and Natasha is Alexis. Once you accept that then you will be better equipped to handle the life you were dealt."   
  
"You sound like Kevin. He said almost the same thing."   
  
"Then it sounds to me like we're dealing with common sense here seeing as how I didn't go to college."   
  
"I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been trying to keep her under lock and key for as long as I can remember."   
  
"So I take it she kind of escapes when anger or fear is in the house."   
  
"Yes. She just pops right out there and says just exactly what's on her mind and damn the consequences. She doesn't care who she hurts in the process."   
  
"That's not exactly true though, is it? _You_ care if people get hurt. So if you were to consciously incorporate the two of you then it stands to reason that the anger would be tempered by the care you have of others. I mean, as it stands right now you see her as separate so it would make sense that you would think you could lose control of her. Do you see how irrational that is? Both women in one body... two different personas that should be one. You, the weaker of the two made stronger... wiser simply by way of spending a lifetime trying to control the stronger one. Wrap your arms around her, Alexis. Love her. She has lived in darkness far too long. She needs you to love her... she needs you to accept her. No matter what happens tomorrow... you will never be whole until you accept that part of yourself that you left alone so many years ago. You are Natasha and you are loved. You are the best friend I've ever had the good fortune to be blessed with. I love you, Sonny loves you, your mother loved you... you know love, Alexis. Now open yourself to it... love yourself. You are worth more than you could ever imagine yourself to be. You deserve to be loved, the child you were deserved to be loved. Don't face tomorrow without her, and don't ask her to face yet another crisis alone. Open your heart to her, Alexis. She needs you. You need each other."   
  
He watched as the tears came. He pulled her into his arms and let her cry. Her body rocked with the heaving sobs that tore from her ravaged bruised heart.   
  
Every word he said she took into her heart and they reverberated within its walls. For the first time since the day she changed her name she looked into her heart and willingly faced the locked door that always kept her paralyzed with fear. Reaching slowly forward she unlocked the door and opened it. Fear ran rampant through her as she faced the child that stood before her. Welcoming Johnny's arms that held her close she finally looked into the eyes of the child she had feared and run from for so long. She finally allowed herself to look deep into the eyes of a child who had been lost, abandoned, mistreated and hated. The child's face was contorted with anger and bitterness. But, taking a moment longer she looked closer and her heart broke at the pain and loneliness that lay behind the mask the child wore. The anger and bitterness were just vices that were used to hide the true heart of the child. As Alexis sobbed into Johnny's shoulder, in her heart she gently placed her arms around the child she had been. Rocking the child back and forth, she soothingly stroked the head that lay against her breast as Sonny had done for her earlier... Alexis felt her heart open and join with the child's to become one again. The long awaited healing process began. It would take time for the anger and bitterness to heal, but time was kind. It gave itself to the needs of those who needed it most.   
  
The two friends sat together for hours that night as time gave up its schedule. Johnny held her close until he felt her breathing even out in sleep. He moved slowly and gently to position himself so he could hold her more comfortably then leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Just before he drifted off, he saw a vision of his Nana Rose smiling down proudly at him and he smiled back. He did what was asked of him. He could rest now.


	64. Chapter 64

_Took a few days off from posting.  I'm in the middle of another story and since it has to be finished by Friday, it takes precedence.  We're starting on 64 and I'm not entirely sure how well this little foray into the psyche of Alexis and Sonny is being received.  Your comments would certainly be appreciated at this point._

**_  Chapter 64_**   
  
Awaking early the next morning, Sonny rose from his bed and walked out onto the balcony to watch the sun rise. The previous evening proved itself to be quite interesting and one that he planned on mimicking in the future. He was surprised to find Courtney waiting for him outside his penthouse door when he arrived home from Ferncliff. He saw once again her kind and loving smile as she told him Alexis called asking her to come because he needed her. Standing on the balcony he let the surprise of the previous evening come back to him. He smiled absentmindedly remembering the wonder in Courtney's voice when she told him Alexis called for her help.   
  
"She's always taken care of me... even when I didn't know it. Come on in, Courtney. I'm glad you're here. I made a promise to her, but I wasn't particularly looking forward to having to deal with... well, you know."   
  
"It's ok, Sonny. What can I do to help? I don't really know what's going on so I'm not entirely sure why Alexis called me."   
  
"I made a promise to her that I would talk to you tonight. Look, can I get you anything. Have you eaten... something to drink, maybe?"   
  
"No thank you, I'm good. I've already eaten."   
  
"I hope we didn't interrupt anything for you."   
  
"Relax, big brother. Tell me what it is that I can do for you."   
  
"It's a pretty big request... I mean coming from someone who was always trying to run your life for you. Think you can handle it?"   
  
Smiling up at him as she sat down on the sofa she teased him a bit.   
  
"I don't know. You're a pretty hard sell for the average street grinder. Give me a hint and we'll see what happens."   
  
Sitting down across from her, Sonny marveled at her willingness to come even though he messed things up so badly with her. Her smile made his heart jump. He had a sister. He had a real family.   
  
"You have a pretty smile. Anybody ever tell you that?"   
  
"Thank you and no, not recently, but you're stalling. Come on, tell me what's going on." 

Sonny sighed heavily and leaned forward resting his arms on his knees.  
  
"Did Alexis tell you anything else when she called?"   
  
"No she just said you needed me and asked me to come."   
  
Sonny rose and went to the bar. Pouring himself a glass of water, he stared at it a moment before downing it.   
  
"This must really be something for it to cause so much trouble for you. Are you sure I'm the one you need here? Maybe we ought to call Alexis back... or maybe dad."   
  
Turning around to face her he let grinned haphazardly then went back and sat down. The trouble he was having was the fact that he was fixing to open himself up to someone. Alexis told him to talk to Courtney like he would talk to her. It wasn't an easy thing to do.   
  
"You know, Alexis tried to tell me how to deal with the fact that I had a new sister. She even unplugged her phone once to keep me from calling one of the guys to follow you and watch out for you."   
  
"You're kidding?"   
  
"No, looking back on it now... it got quite comical there for a while if you were an outsider looking in. I was so damn intent on making sure you were safe that Alexis had her hands full trying to protect you from me. All I could see was that you were family and it was my responsibility to make sure you were protected from getting hurt. It's how I've always been for the people I care about."   
  
"Why didn't you just tell me that? Why didn't you just talk to me instead of ordering me around?"   
  
Shrugging his shoulders once he tried to explain.   
  
"It's how I show people I care about them. I don't know any other way. At least I didn't then. I've had a hard life and I blamed a lot of it on the circumstances of my youth. You remember... Alexis told you. I let all of that garbage tie me up so bad that it kept me from seeing things the way they really were. I looked at everything by how it affected me... what I could gain or lose."   
  
"That must have been bad. No wonder you're so hard to get to know. Alexis is really the only one who does know you, isn't she?" 

Sonny smiled as a vision of her suddenly appeared in his mind.  She was smiling at him in her own uniquely quiet way.  
  
"Yeah. It took a while. She says it took a lot of hard work for us to become friends. She worked hard. She worked harder than I ever did. Everything she did for me, she did it because she saw something in me worth saving. She saved my life... more than once. And I'm fixing to lose her... again."   
  
Courtney, finally understanding why she was called, reached across and lay her hand on his arm.   
  
"Tell me... tell me what's going on. Talk to me... I want to help in any way I can. If that just means sitting here and listening then you got it. I'm here for as long as you need me."   
  
Looking across at his sister, for the first time Sonny finally understood what Alexis had felt for her sister. He finally got a small glimpse of the loss she must have felt in losing Kristina and his heart grieved for her. Taking Courtney's hand in his own he looked for some hint of resemblance to his own. He wanted... needed to connect with her. Finding none he looked into her eyes. What he saw made him feel ashamed of himself. She loved him... after all he put her through, she was here and she loved him. Reaching toward her he ran his fingers down her cheek and smiled at her.   
  
"Thank you, Courtney. Thank you for coming. Care to hear your big brother tell you a story. It gets pretty ugly at times... but I can pretty much guarantee you won't get bored."   
  
She sat beside him quiet and patient as Sonny told her how he met Alexis and the history they shared. He told her what happened to Alexis and what he was going through himself in order to reclaim his own life from the grip his past held on him. She listened compassionately, interrupting only twice when she became confused by the ups and downs of his relationship with Alexis. He told her about Kristina and how much Alexis loved her. As he concluded his story with what was expected of him the following morning, he heard Courtney sniffle and looked up alarmed. He wondered whether it was something he said that may have hurt her or was it simply that she couldn't deal with having a brother who had been so callous toward a woman who loved him.   
  
He was stunned as she moved closer to him and put her arms around him and her words left him speechless at the generosity woman who sat before him; the woman who was no longer a child.   
  
"I'm sorry you've been hurt, Sonny. I wish it hadn't been so hard for you. But, it made you strong. Whatever happens tomorrow, you can handle it. Alexis may walk away at first, but she'll come back. Don't you give up... you fight for her. If she needs time... give it to her. Like she tried to get you to do for me, remember? This time, big brother, listen to the women in your life who love you. Now get up there and get some sleep. Don't worry about me... I'll stay in the guestroom. And tomorrow... no arguing with me... I'm going with you. I'll stay outside and wait. But you are not going there alone. Now go."   
  
She shoved him up from the sofa as he laughed at her. He looked down as she sat there waiting for him to obey her and on a pure impulse he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. Wanting to ease the worry he could see in her eyes, he teased a smile from her.   
  
"So, I take it you forgive me for being such a jerk?"   
  
"I'm considering it. I'll let you know in the morning."   
  
Smiling absently as he remembered the evening, Sonny walked back into his room from the balcony just as he heard a knock on his door. Opening it, he found Courtney standing there with a breakfast tray filled for him. Looking it over he realized he couldn't have done it better himself. And the coffee smelled wonderful.   
  
"What's this?"   
  
"It's breakfast. I made it all by myself. So you see, you're not the only one who knows how to turn an egg. So here, eat your breakfast and I'll be waiting downstairs for you when you're ready to go."   
  
"No."   
  
Courtney stopped instantly and Sonny saw a flicker of fear in her eyes before she ducked her head. He recognized and accepted responsibility for putting that fear of him in her. He regretted not listening to Alexis when she tried to enlighten him on how to get to know his sister. Leaning forward he took the tray from her and kissed her on the cheek.   
  
"You forgot something."   
  
Looking at the tray again, Courtney couldn't imagine what she could have forgotten. She glanced up at him confused.   
  
"You forgot yours. I'm not eating alone this morning. If you insist on following me around today, then it starts with breakfast. Now take this back downstairs. I'll jump in the shower and meet you downstairs in fifteen minutes. Then we'll eat together."   
  
Sonny was rewarded with a radiant smile and chuckled softly as she clumsily returned his affection by kissing him on the cheek. He watched as she fairly skipped back down the stairs. His smile faded as he remembered Alexis and Kristina... and again his heart grieved for her loss.   
  
Walking downstairs fifteen minutes later, he found Courtney waiting patiently for him at the table and his heart warmed at the sight of her. Sitting down next to her he picked up the coffee cup that sat in front of him and tasted it. Grinning widely he winked at her and watched her face light up again. Returning his cup to the table he grew serious.   
  
"I never realized just how much Alexis lost when Kristina died until you came here last night. It makes what I have to do today that much harder. Thank you for staying with me last night and for going with me today."   
  
"You're welcome, Sonny. I think I'm going to like having you for a big brother. You say _'Thank you'_ so nicely. Who taught you how to say that so well... oh yeah... I know."   
  
Laughing together they answered in unison. "Alexis."   
  
An hour later they were on their way to Ferncliff. Sonny kept trying to swallow the lump in his throat that threatened to suffocate him.   
  
Courtney slid a sideways glance at him. She knew what he was thinking about and wanting to support him she took hold of his free hand and just held on. Feeling him tighten his hold a bit, she smiled at him then left him to his thoughts.   
  
Pulling into the parking lot and stopping, Sonny looked at his watch and found he was early. Reaching into his pocket he pulled his cell phone free and dialed Johnny's number. Waiting for him to answer, Sonny reached over and reclaimed Courtney's hand. It was comforting to know someone else loved him and cared enough to help him get through the tough times. As much as she was comforting him, Sonny could tell by her face that she was not only concerned but a little frightened as well. Just as he was about to speak to her Johnny answered his phone.   
  
"Hey, Johnny. How's Alexis?"   
  
"Better than I was expecting her to be. We had quite an interesting conversation after you left last night. She'll tell you about it someday. Where are you?"   
  
"In the parking lot. I know I'm a little early. But, I was hoping that I could talk to Alexis for a few minutes before we have to do this."   
  
"Hang on and I'll see. Things are a little up in the air right now."   
  
Sonny heard Johnny call to Alexis then at the muffled sounds that came next realized Johnny's hand was covering the mouthpiece. He waited a moment more then heard a rustling sound. Becoming concerned he looked over at Courtney who was watching him and shrugged. He smiled in relief as he finally heard Alexis' enchanting voice fill his ear.   
  
"Sonny? Johnny says you're outside. Why don't you come on in?"   
  
"I have someone with me, Alexis. Could you come out here for a minute, please?"   
  
"Well, since you asked so nicely, how can I refuse. Be out in a minute."   
  
Sonny turned to Courtney as he disconnected the call.   
  
"I wanted you to see her and for her to see you before we do this. There hasn't been  a lot of visitors, but I know that you mean a lot to her. And I think it will help for her to know that you and I are okay. Do you mind?"   
  
"No, I don't mind. I want to see her. I want to thank her for calling me. Look, there she is. She looks wonderful, Sonny."   
  
Turning around he saw Alexis approaching and as he opened the car door to greet her he called back over his shoulder loud enough for Alexis to hear him   
  
"She looks beautiful this morning... just like always."   
  
Closing the door behind him as she came close he took her in his arms and hugged her tightly.   
  
"I missed you."   
  
"Hi. I missed you too. So who have you got with you?" 

Sonny was suddenly overcome with a bit of shyness.  He was not used to his _'new'_ relationship with his sister yet and was unsure about how to handle himself around others where she was concerned.  He didn't want to mess up this second chance he was given with Courtney.  But, the smile on Alexis' face calmed his fears.  
  
"It's Courtney. She came with me... she insisted and I let her. She's going to stay out here while we do what we have to then she'll go home with me. Thank you for calling her, Alexis. She stayed with me last night. Do you feel like talking to her?"   
  
Letting go of him Alexis started around the car to the other side grinning as she went. Reaching the door she opened it and kneeled down by Courtney.   
  
"Hi, Courtney. It is so good to see you."   
  
Courtney moved to get out of the car and Alexis rose and stepped back. Closing the door behind her, Courtney put her arms around Alexis and hugged her.   
  
"Thank you for calling me. He talked to me... just like he talks to you. I couldn't believe it was the same guy. He told me enough about what is going on today that I made him bring me with him. I didn't want him coming here alone.  Is that okay with you?"   
  
"It's fine and I'm glad you're here for him. Thank you for coming, Courtney."   
  
Sonny watched the two most important women in his life connect and he regretted having to interrupt them, but it was time for he and Alexis to go inside. Walking around to them he smiled at Courtney and again kissed her on the cheek then turned to Alexis.   
  
"It's time, Alexis. You go on ahead, I have to make one stop before I get there. It won't take but just a minute and I'll see you inside. Courtney, I'll be with you as soon as I can one way or another. If Joy is inside, I'll see if she can come sit with you until we're done. If that's okay with you, Alexis."   
  
"Well actually, there's been a change in plans. Why don't you two come on in and I'll explain." 

Sonny reached for her with concern.  
  
"Alexis, are you ok? Did something happen?"   
  
Taking his hand in hers, she put her arm around Courtney and started leading them toward the building.   
  
"Yes, to both questions. It's nothing to worry about. Johnny thinks I need to talk to Kevin before we do anything else. Something happened last night that he thinks Kevin needs to be aware of before we proceed any further. Now come on and stop with the questions. I'll tell you all about it later."   
  
Sonny couldn't help but worry a little. Considering how much she wanted her memories, for her to put it on hold again didn't make sense to him. Something pretty big must have happened. He glanced over at her with concern and halfheartedly grinned as she gave him a reassuring smile. Ok, so they waited. Whatever she wanted he reminded himself.   
  
Courtney eyed Sonny and Alexis discreetly as they walked along. She hoped and prayed that the love they shared was strong enough to weather the storm they were headed into. And as far as her brother was concerned, she would wait for him, no matter what happened. She was finally allowed a glimpse of the man Alexis fell in love with and she wasn't willing to lose him now. She needed him and today... just maybe... he would need her.


	65. Chapter 65

****

**_Chapter 65_**   
  
Entering the suite just as the clock struck 10:00, Alexis led Sonny and Courtney into the living room and found that Kevin arrived during the short time she was out. Taking Courtney by the hand she led her over to Joy.   
  
"Joy, I would like you to meet someone who means a great deal to Sonny and I.  This is Courtney, Sonny's sister. May I ask you to take care of her for me while we tend to what needs to be done today."   
  
"Of course I will, Alexis. It would be a pleasure."   
  
Joy looked Courtney over discreetly and was immediately impressed with her.  No one but another woman would ever be able to see the level of fear and concern Courtney was hiding beneath the calm exterior of her face.  Joy reached and gently pulled Courtney a bit towards her to hopefully help calm the girl.  
  
"Hi Courtney, it would please me greatly if you would spend the day with me. There are some errands I need to run that won't take long. And it will keep us busy until things are taken care of here with our friends. Do you mind?"   
  
Courtney looked back at Sonny, who was talking quietly with Johnny and Kevin then back at Joy.   
  
"I need to be here in case Sonny needs me. I mean I would love to help any way I can, but... "   
  
Alexis smiled understandingly at Courtney and put her arm around her.   
  
"It's ok, Courtney. Joy won't be gone that long. You'll be back in plenty of time to help Sonny if he needs you. Should anything go wrong, Johnny has promised me that he will see that Sonny is cared for. So please, don't worry. I have to talk to Kevin before we do anything anyway, so I don't think we're going to talk about the other part for at least an hour or so. Does that give you enough time, Joy?"   
  
"That gives me more than enough time. You just take care of what you need to and I'll make sure we're back in plenty of time. Now go, you just leave Courtney with me. We'll get along just fine."   
  
Alexis leaned close to Joy and hugged her tightly whispering a heartfelt 'thank you' in her ear and felt warmed as Joy returned her hug. Letting go she turned to Courtney.   
  
"Thank you for being here, Courtney. I knew I could count on you."   
  
Courtney's eyes were bright as she gazed at Alexis.   
  
"He's everything and more than I expected. You were right, Alexis. I do need him... and he needs me."   
  
Courtney shyly reached toward Alexis and gave her a hesitant yet grateful hug before she walked over to Sonny to let him know of the new plan.   
  
Alexis watched her and felt her heart catch as Sonny listened patiently then placed a kiss on the cheek of his sister as his arm went around her. She was so intent on watching how they were interacting together that she didn't realize tears of joy had gathered in the corners of her eyes. Catching Sonny look over at her as Courtney left to join Joy, Alexis smiled encouragingly at him and melted as he smiled back. He had such a beautiful smile when it was unrestricted by the worries that plagued him on a daily basis.  To see only half of it this morning made her heart ache for him. Walking toward him she felt her heart begin to race a little... as she drew near to him he reached for her and pulled her close.   
  
"I'll be right here when you and Kevin get back. If you need me... you just call, deal?"   
  
"Deal. Don't worry, Sonny. I won't be long. I just need to make sure things are where they are supposed to be in my head before we go any further. Wait for me?"   
  
"Always."   
  
Sonny watched as she turned and joined Kevin as he walked toward the door. He felt his heart sink at the sight of her retreating back and couldn't let her go yet.   
  
"Alexis... wait... please... "   
  
His heart lifted a little as she turned back to him. Crossing the space between them he pulled her into his arms and rested his cheek against hers so that his lips lay close to her ear. And for her ears alone he whispered.   
  
"Remember me... "   
  
Clutching him tighter she turned her head just enough to return his whisper.   
  
"Always."   
  
Releasing him slowly, Alexis lay her lips against his cheek for a moment then walked out.   
  
Hearing the door close behind her, Sonny sank into the nearest chair and felt Johnny's hand fall on his shoulder.   
  
"I don't know if I can do this, Johnny. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. You know what's fixing to happen. It's going to tear us apart. It's going to tear her apart."   
  
Johnny rounded the side of the sofa and sat down across from Sonny.   
  
"I don't believe it will, Sonny. Alexis doesn't want to lose you any more than you want to lose her. She loves you. Yeah, you two are going to have to work your way through some pretty heavy stuff. But, you both want to be together. I believe you're doing the right thing. If you can do this for her, she will know that you gave her your best. When she is able to think rationally again she will remember what you did for her and why."   
  
Sonny stood abruptly with a sardonic laugh and walked over to the window.   
  
"Do you honestly believe that once she knows that the sister she adored as a child came back and was with her for a year before dying in my warehouse as a result of someone who was coming after me? I may not have understood her relationship with Kristina as well as she would have liked, but I understand more now than I did then. If it were Courtney in that warehouse... "   
  
"But, it wasn't. And all the 'what ifs' in the world are not going to change what's going to happen here today. What we have to do is find a way to help her get through it. Now, I understand that you both have a lot to lose here if this is not handled right. So, I'm all for spending what little time we have before she gets back trying to work out just what we need to do for her."   
  
"There's not much I can offer not much I can do. You' re the one who is going to have to help her get through this, Johnny."   
  
"I know. But, this is going to be really tough. I don't know if I'm going to be able to help her with this one. I'll do what I can... all that I can. There is something you can do though. You can make sure I don't have to split my time between the two of you."   
  
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?"   
  
"Sonny, right now Alexis is just as concerned about you as she is for herself. She's worried about how you are going to handle all of this. So concerned that she has asked that I take care of you once everything is out in the open. Her words "don't let him slip into that dark hole of his". Sonny, I'm going to have my hands full with Alexis. I need to know that you are as committed to seeing this through as the rest of us are. Don't make me have to choose between the two of you because I can tell you right now that if you go into some kind of tailspin I'm not going to be there to help you out. I'll choose Alexis every time over you. Whether she will admit it or not she is going to worry about you even if she does turn away from you. And if she sees you go down its going to cause her more hurt and more stress and I'm telling you right now... if that happens, Sonny... I'm going to come after you hard."   
  
Sonny was getting angry. He didn't need Johnny coming down on him. What he was doing to himself was hard enough.   
  
"Back off Johnny. Just back off. I don't need this from you, right now."   
  
Fact of the matter was Sonny was terrified that he wasn't going to be able to give Alexis what she needed. He wanted her to be the center of his life. But, he didn't know how. He spent his life building a world around himself that was totally and completely self oriented. How could he give her what she needed? He had never before set himself aside completely for anyone. Looking back at Johnny he found himself facing a situation that he was unsure of and he knew he needed help.   
  
"Johnny, how do you do it? How do you make a woman the center of your life forget what you learned... you know... change things...?"   
  
Johnny was stunned at what Sonny was asking him. Not only was he opening himself up as he never had before... but he was doing it to a former employee as well.   
  
"It's a choice, Sonny. Every man has this need inside of him. If that need is satisfied... then he feels complete. I believe that there is one woman born for every man and if fate smiles on him and he is patient then he will find her. She possesses the ability to fill every part of his soul... every need... every desire... But, the ultimate fulfillment of both can only be obtained if they give everything of themselves to the other. No holding back. For the man, he must look to her needs before his own... before everything else in his life... even the children take a back seat to his relationship with the woman who holds his heart. If she is content and safe in the knowledge that she is his highest priority then her desires... her needs... everything she holds dear... is wrapped up in the man of her heart. She gives him everything. As each of them dedicate their lives to fulfilling each other's needs... desires... dreams... they come as close to perfection in their relationship as is possible on this earth. But, it begins with a choice. One man choosing one woman; one woman choosing one man. No holding back."   
  
"Alexis already has that going for her. She is the most giving woman I have ever known. She already gave every part of herself that mattered most to me. How do I catch up?"   
  
"It's not about catching up, Sonny. This is not a race. It is the natural progression of two becoming one. You take a step, she follows. She takes a step, you follow. You begin by simply letting go of you and taking hold of her... giving of yourself... she will follow."   
  
Both men turned at the sound of the door opening and waited a moment more to see who was coming in. Sonny's heart leaped at the sight of Alexis rounding the corner. Walking quickly toward her he took her hands in his.   
  
"Are you okay, Alexis? Is everything okay?"   
  
Alexis gazed into eyes full of love and concern for her and smiled.   
  
"Everything is fine, Sonny. I just had an encounter with 'Natasha Cassadine' last night and Johnny thought I should talk to Kevin about it before we proceeded today. That's all. Don't worry, I'm fine! Kevin seems to think I'm a little stronger now than I was yesterday because of the experience."   
  
Sonny was a little confused by her response, but he figured it was only because he didn't have the whole story. Looking deep into eyes that held his own captive, he found she was doing her best to be strong for him in spite of the fear and uncertainty that was clearly evident in her own beautiful eyes. Her voice wavered the smallest bit as she questioned him.   
  
"So, are you ready... is it ok to go ahead with this now?"   
  
Stepping closer he pulled her into his arms and spoke softly so only she could hear.   
  
"If you're ready, then I am. I'm here... I'm not going anywhere. I promised you I wouldn't leave. But... you have to promise not to leave me either. Do what you have to do... however you need to. I'll be here... waiting... I love you. Don't forget that..."   
  
Taking half a step back he took both of her hands and brought them up to lay against his heart.   
  
"Feel that. It's yours now. All I'm asking of you is that you... remember me."   
  
Leaning forward he kissed her on the cheek then stepped back again and studied her face. He took in every nuance of her features and committed them to memory. Leaning forward he rested his forehead against hers for a moment.   
  
It was Alexis who wasn't sure anymore... it was too much to ask of him. She could see in his eyes how painful this was for him... but she saw his determination to give her what she wanted as well.   
  
"Sonny... maybe we should wait. I don't want to hurt you... and I can't lose you... not again. I can't. I don't think I could survive it again."   
  
In that moment, when he saw the fear and uncertainty increase in her, Sonny made his choice. Taking her by the hand, he led her into the bedroom and shut the door behind them. Turning back to her he took her into his arms and gently kissed her. Raising his hands to hold her head, he kissed her lightly on the forehead then on each side of her face before he returned to her mouth. It was a sweet gentle kiss, a kiss that spoke of love and comfort, of caring and commitment. Separating just enough to look at her, he spoke quietly.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere, Alexis. You have to believe that. I've found a part of myself that I never knew existed. That part belongs to you. Whatever happens today... you and I are a part of each other. I will not leave you and I won't let you leave me. This is going to be hard... but, we can survive it if we really want to be together."   
  
Sonny watched Alexis bow her head. He knew she was on the verge of giving up and not going forward with the plan.   
  
"Look at me, Alexis. Look in my eyes."

He waited until her eyes met his once again and he cringed at the fear he saw in them.

"Whether we do this today, tomorrow or not at all... the memory will come. The result will be the same. You are going to be hurt and angry. You may never want to see me again... but if what we feel is right... if it is meant to be... then we will find our way back to this place again. I promised you I wouldn't let you go... and I won't. But, I want to make you another promise. I'm through hiding behind a veneer of darkness every time something goes wrong or I don't get my way. Don't worry about me. Johnny won't have to help me. You just concentrate on taking care of what you need to. And if you need anything... want anything... doesn't matter what it is you just tell Johnny and I'll see that you get it."   
  
Alexis needed to feel his arms around her. Reaching up she fiercely pulled him to her and held him tight. She knew he was hurting and just as unsure as she was, but here he was trying to console her. Knowing what this was costing him, she leaned back to look into his eyes again and her heart clutched at the absolute and total commitment to her she saw in his eyes. He held nothing for himself. Reaching up with trembling fingertips she lightly traced every crease of his face; the line of his mouth, the curve of his jaw... she memorized every aspect of his beautiful face. Leaning forward she placed her lips against his and at his response... she deepened her kiss inviting him to take more. She finally released herself into his care and gave him everything... her past... her future... every reservation ever held where he was concerned... she left nothing hidden... she was his completely and she wanted him to know it. Slowly and reluctantly she released him and stepped back. It was time. They needed to get this over with so they could begin to get past it. She silently took his hand in hers and opened the bedroom door. Leading the way back into the living room she gently squeezed his hand reassuringly then addressed Kevin and Johnny.   
  
"I apologize for the delay, but there was something that Sonny and I needed to settle before we continued."   
  
Looking back at Sonny she stepped aside to allow him to take over.   
  
"Ok, since Alexis is ready to go ahead with this I think we should just get it done as best we can with as little trouble for her as possible. Johnny, I want you to sit beside Alexis on the sofa. Kevin, if you will sit beside her in the chair please."   
  
Sonny waited while everyone took their place and when he was satisfied that they were settled and ready, he knelt in front of Alexis. Taking both of her hands in his he spoke quietly and with great care.   
  
"Once I give it to you, Alexis I'm going to back away."   
  
Watching her closely he saw she was about to argue so he raised himself up enough to be able to lay his cheek against hers.   
  
"Please trust me to know the best way to do this. You are going to be angry with me... you are not going to want me near you. I understand that and I accept it. But just remember, if we love each other and want to be a part of each other then we will survive this. Right now though I need you to just trust me... trust that I know you well enough to know what your response is going to be. Do not worry about me... I love you... that's not going to change. I will be waiting for you when you are ready. Now, I want you to take a deep breath. Breathe in deeply then release it slowly."   
  
Leaning back he watched her breath deeply. Her eyes were round with apprehension. His own heart was clenched in fear at what he was about to do to the woman who held his life in the palm of her hand. He watched as she slowly released her breath.   
  
"Now one more time. Breathe in deeply, then release it. Try to relax as much as you possibly can."   
  
When he was satisfied, he leaned forward one more time. Sliding his cheek against hers he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply once to calm the tremors that were overtaking him. Very quietly he breathed his last request of her...   
  
"Remember me... "   
  
Sitting back, he reached into his pocket and pulled out an object and lay it in her lap then quietly backed away as a tear fell down his cheek.   
  
Alexis looked down at the object he placed in her lap and she gasped. Picking it up and holding it tenderly... she looked up and met Sonny's gaze.   
  
With the quietest of whispers she asked the only question she had in that moment.   
  
"Sonny? Where did you get... It's my mother's... It's my mother's necklace."   
  
She watched in confusion as Sonny slowly bowed his head as a look of abject guilt and sorrow fell on his face. Looking back down at the necklace she still held in her hand a solitary image began to appear.   
  
It started as a pinpoint and grew larger and larger until it slammed into her consciousness jerking her body backward as her hands flew up to hold tight to each side of her head in an attempt to stop the agony that descended upon her.  One solitary gasp finding its way past the devastation.

_"Kristina."_


	66. Chapter 66

  
**_  Chapter 66_**   
  
As the image of her beloved and beautiful sister stayed before her, Alexis again opened her eyes and looked up toward the man who held her heart. Anticipation, eagerness and ecstatic happiness filled her face.    
  
"Sonny? Where is she? Sonny, where's my sister? Where's Kristina? Why hasn't she been here with me?"

   
She glanced at Johnny and not getting a response turned back to face Sonny. Alexis watched mesmerized as Sonny lifted his hands to his face and rubbed them against his temple a few times then looked back down at her. His absolute look of guilt stunned her.   
  
"I'm... I'm sorry, Alexis... "   
  
"Sorry?  Why?"   
  
Looking back down into her lap, Alexis picked up the necklace once again and as the coolness of the stones seeped into her palms, seemingly innocent images and memories suddenly began to assault her. As image after image passed before her she became more and more terrified of what they were leading to.   
  
As the last image finally faded, leaving a trail of horror in its wake she began a slow fall toward Johnny.   
  
Sonny watched with panicked fear as Alexis fell toward Johnny. He jumped forward to help, but was immediately stopped by Kevin's raised hand. He watched helplessly as Johnny began to minister to Alexis' needs. Taking a step back, he waited to see how she would react to him if Johnny were able to keep her lucid. In all of his life he had never felt so helpless. He was consumed with guilt and remorse for a life that could cause such horror and pain for someone he loved so much. Moving back further in an attempt to make sure he didn't crowd her, he felt hot tears fall from his face. He started to turn toward the window to escape the devastation he saw before him, but stopped himself. He would not leave her to face it alone as he did the first time. This time he would be there for her... this time he would be the man she needed him to be.   
  
The pain was unbearable. It ripped through her leaving nothing in its wake but more pain... more agony... more loss than could ever be imagined... and always the emptiness of being alone... again. As she felt herself fall memories sliced through her like knives and her heart cried out against them.   
  
"No, Oh God please... no... don't let it be... not again... please don't let me have lost her again! Oh God please, not my little sister... not my Kristina... oh mama, _nnnooooo_... '   
  
As she fell against Johnny she couldn't contain the wail of grief that left her body. Her beautiful sister, her friend, her champion… the one person in the whole world who would have stood with her against all the demons of hell... gone... a hopeful beautiful voice silenced unmercifully. She would never again be able to look into those eager and mischievous eyes and know that sometimes anything was possible. There would never be another who would meddle in her life so completely and so lovingly. As a heavy mist of darkness began to settle around her, Alexis felt the too familiar weight of loss settle across her shoulders.  It was the burden of dark emptiness that she was accustomed to, as she had felt it more than once in her life.  

Since the day she lost little Kristina in the stables, there had remained in the most remote recesses of her mind a small grain of hope that somehow the child survived and was still out there somewhere. Now, that hope was gone. She would never again be calmed by the dream that one day... some day... maybe Kristina would be found. Kristina had miraculously finally come and found her... and now she was gone. No hope left... no secret dreams of reunion... the dream was gone. Kristina was gone. All that was left was the pain... the agony of intense loss and grief... grief so deep and consuming that she would never be free of it.   
  
Alexis was totally unaware of the three men in the room. Three men who prided themselves on being able to handle anything that came their way; who now felt totally defeated by their inability to do anything to ease her pain.   
  
Johnny put his arms around her, but knew she didn't feel him. She was lost in her grief and totally unaware of her surroundings. He knew she was still with him by the sound of her uneven breaths against his chest. He barely heard her soul wrenching pleas that it not be true. When her body began to shake he cradled her gently and began to rock her, back and forth, whispering soothingly to her. Looking down at her hands that lay shaking in her lap, he noticed the harsh grip she held on the necklace. Fearing she would cut her tender skin on the clasp he reached down to try and pry the necklace from her hand but quickly let go as she sat straight up, bringing the necklace up to hold it fast against her heart and screamed.   
  
**_"NO... GET OUT... NOW... ALL OF YOU... GET OUT... LEAVE... LEAVE ME ALONE... !"_**   
  
The grief that settled around her suddenly gave way to rage. Red… hot… fiery rage; rage against anyone and everyone who had stood between her and her sister. Rage at the injustice of an innocent life lost... rage... that once again she failed to take care of those she loved.   
  
Watching as she stood quickly, Johnny saw her lose her balance a bit from the effort it was taking to remain in control of her emotions.  He reached out and gently took hold of her arm to help her regain her equilibrium and quickly pulled back when she tore her arm from his grasp.  As she turned toward the bedroom door, every heart in the room stilled as a chilled voice dictated the desire of her soul... a voice of steely resolve battling unbearable pain...   
  
"Get out… all of you. If you feel the need to do something, Johnny... then... get rid of them. But, be sure... you follow them out."   
  
They stood speechless for a moment as the door closed behind her. The one thing Johnny didn't expected was for Alexis to turn away from him and now he didn't know what to do. His heart was in his stomach as he turned to find Joy who stood quietly beside him her arm around his waist.  Through the hazy of worry and concern he found himself wondering how he had missed her coming to him and more importantly how he could have missed her touch. "Joy?"

Joy pulled him closer.  She was concerned for Alexis, but what she was seeing in Johnny concerned her more.  He was scared.  Scared of what could happen if things went really bad for Alexis.  And he was afraid that he was failing her by not following her and making her talk to him.

  
"It's okay, Johnny.  There's nothing you can do right now.  She knows you're here and she knows she can trust you.  You need to calm down, sweetheart so that you can help her when the time comes."

  
Watching the scene play out, Kevin was instantly aware that Alexis was instinctively shutting down in order to protect herself in the only way she knew how. She was in the process of completely removing herself from the pain and loss... and he figured she was also blocking out her feelings toward Kristina in hopes of being able to handle the entire situation. She was locking out everything except the anger. Kevin knew that the only thing Alexis could handle at this point was her anger. It protected her... kept her sane. He knew that as long as she remained angry, her anger would prevent her from sliding into catatonia. What worried him was what would happen if he let her have her way and left her alone. He couldn't take the chance. Someone needed to be the bad guy in all of this and looking around the room he accepted that it would have to be him. Stepping closer to Johnny he laid his hand on the man's shoulder and glanced pointedly at Sonny.   
  
"Do as she asks, Johnny. I'll take it from here. I would rather be the one to get her really riled by not obeying her wishes. I'll let you know when it's ok to come back. If you wouldn't mind though, I'd like you to keep an eye on Sonny. He doesn't look too good over there. Do what you can to get his head where it needs to be. Go on now. I'd rather you not be here for what I'm about to do."   
  
Johnny sent Kevin a menacing glare at his last statement.   
  
"Don't hurt her, Kevin. I'm warning you... "   
  
Joy leaned closer and tightened her hold around him to draw his attention to her.   
  
"Johnny, this is what he does. You are going to have to trust Dr. Collins this time. His main priority is keeping Alexis from going back into the mock safety of an unaware existence. He is also protecting you and Sonny from being the 'bad guy' because he knows that once the initial shock has worn off, Alexis will need you. So come on... we have another job to do right now. Kevin will take care of Alexis... you and I will take care of Sonny and Courtney. Come on sweetheart; let him do his job. We have to let him take over now."   
  
Johnny allowed Joy to take his hand and lead him out the door. Just as they reached the door, Johnny took one last look back and felt panic fall on him. In his head he knew that Joy and Kevin were right, but his heart was in the other room with his best friend. Glancing once more at Kevin he did the best he could   
  
"For now... but, not for long. I'm coming back just as soon as I get Sonny settled and don't try to tell me not to."


	67. Chapter 67

**_  Chapter 67_**   
  
Sonny's body jerked violently as her first scream tore through him. Dropping his head to his chest, he turned his tear stained face toward the door where his eyes met those of his own sister who had come in and stood quietly... waiting for him. Glancing at Alexis from the corner of his eye his heart fell at the coldness he saw on her face. She didn't look at him. She wasn't looking at anyone. The necklace she still held in her hands held her complete attention as her body shook with the effort to control the sobs that were trying to tear their way out of her soul. He walked toward Courtney and as he neared her she took the last two remaining steps and pulled him into her arms. He lay his head on the shoulder of his sister as his ears once again filled with the heartbreaking sounds of grief and loss... Her grief... her loss. Every gasp, every ragged breath she took scarred him. For the rest of his life he would bear the scars of her pain on his soul. Her words of loss once again met his ears, but this time the agony he felt because of them was so much more intense. This time he knew what he felt for her, knew what he had meant to her... this time her grief touched him so much deeper than it had before. Just as he ripped out her heart... his was ripped out as well. With all they came to mean to each other over the last few days... for her to send him away this time tore at the very core of him... so much more to lose. Losing her this time would cost him everything. Sonny felt himself sliding slowly into the comfort of depression. Just as Alexis' anger would shield her, the blackness of his depression would shield him.   
  
Raising his head from Courtney's shoulder. Sonny saw the tears she shed for him.   
  
"Don't cry for me... look over there... that is what your brother brings to the lives around him. Run, Courtney. Get away from here, away from me... before I destroy you too."   
  
Courtney gazed into the eyes of her older brother and shuddered at the anguish she saw there. He was going down and she had to stop him. Lowering her voice so Alexis could not hear her, she spoke sternly.   
  
"No, you are not going to do this. She needs you now more than ever. If you can't see that, then you do not deserve to have another chance with her. Now come on before she sees that look in your eyes."   
  
Turning swiftly she pulled him along with her. Stopping at the door she turned back to catch Joy's attention who was standing beside Johnny.   
  
"Joy, we will be outside. If you need us... please come get us. We'll be right outside."   
  
Sonny's mind was on the verge of shutting down. The darkness that was so familiar to him was coming upon him like a quiet snowfall. The image of Alexis' face as she realized the enormity of what had been taken from her seemed to have become a permanent fixture in the forefront of his mind. He followed mutely behind Courtney as she led him from the room.   
  
As Sonny heard the door close behind them he froze for a moment thinking to himself, 'No, this is wrong. I should be with her.' Starting back toward the door he stopped suddenly as he felt Courtney's hand restrain him.   
  
"Sonny, you can't go back in there yet. You need to get control of yourself."   
  
"Let go, Courtney. I have to do something. She's alone in there... I can't leave… I promised… I can't leave her alone. I can't do that to her again. I have to... help... somehow... "   
  
Courtney drew his hand up and held it at against her heart. Even though her heart cried for her brother's pain... one thought would not be stilled. 'This is my brother. There is so much I do not know about him. But, at least now I know he has feelings like the rest of us do.'   
  
"Sonny, you can not help her yet. You have to get control of yourself first. Kevin is in there... he knows what to do for her. You have to be patient for a while. Give her some time to accept the news. Even as bad as you feel right now, remember... she feels so much more. Give her some time, Sonny. She'll put everything into place and then you can go to her."   
  
Both Sonny and Courtney's attention was drawn to the door as they saw it open and Joy and Johnny come out. Sonny immediately turned toward Johnny with a sneer. His voiced raised with fear and jealousy.   
  
"What are you doing out here? You're supposed to be in there doing what you do best. The great and mighty Johnny! The only one allowed to help her when she's in trouble. **_Get your ass back in there and do your job_**."   
  
Johnny didn't have the heart to take Sonny's words seriously. He knew what Sonny was feeling and he knew he why. He was already having a problem being out in the hall away from Alexis.   
  
"Sonny, calm down. I'm out here because it's what she wants right now. Kevin is going to stay with her for a while. He's going to try to help get her past the roughest part then he'll let us know what to do. It seems that you and I both are going to have to play a waiting game. Care to take a little walk with me? Kevin is going to be in there for a while and I could use some fresh air."   
  
At Johnny's quiet and calming tone, Sonny relaxed slightly. He was regretful of his harsh words to Johnny, but couldn't let go enough to tell him. He had already shown too much of himself today and he was ready to shut down so no one could get any closer.   
  
"I don't think we need to leave here, Johnny. What if she calls for... for you?"   
  
"That's not going to happen any time soon, Sonny. She's in pretty bad shape. Right now she's got all she can handle. Kevin will take care of her... and we'll be ready for her when she's ready for us. Now come on, let's either take that walk or at least go get a cup of coffee."   
  
Johnny laid his hand on Sonny's shoulder and gently encouraged him to follow. Just as he turned to walk down the hall he glanced back at Joy and caught her putting an arm around Courtney to stop her from following. He smiled gratefully as he heard her whisper to Courtney.   
  
"Let them go, Courtney. Sonny needs a man to talk to and Johnny needs to be with Sonny right now. Let the men go... you and I will be here waiting for them. We'll be their hidden strength for a while. Now don't you worry, all of this is going to work out just fine. Just you wait and see."   
  
As things were progressing outside, Kevin quietly turned the doorknob to Alexis' bedroom and stepped inside the door. He found her standing at the window. There were no tears now... just stone cold silence. Her face was void of all emotion except relentless anger.   
  
Hearing her door open, Alexis did not turn to see who entered. She didn't care to know. All she wanted was to be left alone.   
  
"You don't listen very well."   
  
Closing the door behind him, Kevin took a couple of steps further into the room.   
  
"Actually I listen quite well. I just don't pay a lot of attention to the wishes of patients who don't know what's best for them."   
  
"I happen to be quite aware of what I need and what I don't need. And right now, I don't need you or anyone else meddling in my life. Now, before I am forced to resort to unkind tactics... would you please leave me in peace."   
  
"Do you honestly think you'll find any peace if I walk out that door right now?"   
  
Turning her head she brought her eyes to rest on Kevin. There were so many emotions churning inside she was desperately trying to control, the only one she felt comfortable with was the one she released.   
  
"Contrary to popular belief, I am not so naïve as to believe that. I am well aware of the fact that for me, peace of any kind is an unrealistic dream. In fact your question, while I'm sure you find it to be appropriate and valid, I personally find it rather condescending and insulting. So if that is all that you have to offer, as I have now requested I believe twice, please leave."   
  
This was a different Alexis than he had ever seen before. Kevin knew a lot of her history, he knew a lot of how she dealt with things; but this was new for him. In each of his encounters with Alexis, there was always that one crack in her armor he could get through and work with. The woman who stood before him now was completely closed off to any and all advances. The clichéd building of a brick wall for protection didn't even come close to what he was witnessing as he stood there watching her. Alexis was backpedaling fast and hard... trying to get to what she could term a '_safe_' place. As she looked at him he could see the activity going on in her eyes. It was eerily reminiscent of a computer sorting and filing information. No emotion was allowed other than that which would allow the processing to continue towards its goal. It was stunning to him to realize that even while all that was going on in her mind, she still had the presence of mind to make her wishes so clearly understood. The woman was simply put a remarkable and ingenious study of preservation at its best. He was in awe of her and shook his head in wonderment. This was not going to be easy. Getting close enough to persuade her to talk to him was bordering on a complete impossibility at this moment. His shoulders slumped slightly as he realized what it was going to take to get her to stop long enough for him to work with her. It was the one thing that could effectively take away any chance of helping her. There was a possibility that she could view it as an attack on her abilities as a mother. But at this point, there were no other options. He needed to get her attention.   
  
"So Alexis, in the middle of all the analyzing and processing, the business of protecting yourself that's going on in your head, have you stopped once to consider how your child is reacting to the emotional chaos that is going on inside you? Or are you so intent on yourself that you have forgotten her?"   
  
Alexis turned bodily from the window and advanced toward him with pure caustic intolerance in her eyes and a voice to match.   
  
"_How dare you_? The only reason I am still standing in this insane asylum of yours is because of my child. Do you honestly think that I would still be here given what I now know if it weren't for the fear that I... you have no right to attack me on that level. Everything I do now, I do for her. And her name is not 'baby', it is not 'the child' or 'your child'. From now on you will address her by her name... Kristina. I promised my sister on her deathbed that I would name my child after her. Are you satisfied now that I am thinking of my daughter? Because if you are, then I would think that even you could see just how much I need a little privacy right now. Is that too much to ask?"   
  
"And just what kind of guarantee can you give me that when I come back to check on you that you won't have checked out?"   
  
All Alexis wanted at that moment was to be alone and she didn't care how she accomplished it whether it was by truth or not.   
  
"I have lost a lot as Natasha and as Alexis. I am not willing to give up the one chance I have of bringing my child into this world to replace what has been taken from me. Does that answer your question?"   
  
"So you are going to try once again to handle it all on your own without help from anyone? Seems to me like you have a bit of a problem learning from past mistakes."   
  
Alexis felt herself begin to shake internally from the effort it was taking to keep her anger under control. Kevin was pushing too hard, but if she was going to manipulate what she needed out of this situation then she needed to stay in control.   
  
"I'm not asking for much here, Kevin. Just give me half an hour... alone. Then you can send Johnny in. But, right now... it would help me a great deal if you would just give me a little latitude to deal with the enormity of what just happened here. What I don't need right now is to have to fight you with what little resources I have left. Can you understand that? I mean do you have the intellectual reasoning required to understand what I am telling you?" 

Kevin inwardly flinched at her carefully chosen words and the acidic tone she leveled them with.  He pushed her back up against a wall and she was fighting back with everything that remained her cache of survival weaponry.  She was surviving the only way she knew how.  
  
"I get it, Alexis. But just so you'll know... you are not on enough medication right now to prevent your body from doing what it feels it needs to in order to survive. So you just consider that while you're trying to face the world alone. As strong as you think you are at this moment, that is just how vulnerable you are as well. I will give you the time you have asked for then I'll send Johnny in. But I will be back, Alexis. Because as much as you want me out of your life right now... that's how much I want you back out on your own. And whether you want to hear it or not, I do care a great deal about you. Half an hour, Alexis! That's all."   
  
Alexis furtively watched Kevin open the door and walk out. She listened intently until she heard him leave the suite. Bolting from the room, she went racing through the rest of the suite with one goal in mind.


	68. Chapter 68

  
**_  Chapter 68_**   
  
"How does it feel to be on this side?"   
  
Johnny and Sonny were sitting at one of the cafeteria tables nursing their cups of coffee together. Staring into his cup, Johnny barely heard the question from Sonny, but knew instantly what he was talking about.   
  
"Frankly, I don't know how you've done it as long as you have. I know I don't have as much on the line with her as you do, but I gotta tell you... this is the toughest thing I believe I've ever had to do. I mean just sitting here and waiting... not knowing what to do or if you're going to be allowed to do anything at all to help. And scared of what's going on inside her head... Man, you got more stamina than I do."   
  
Shaking his head back and forth Sonny smiled sadly.   
  
"It's got nothing to do with stamina. What else can I do? She's always held all the cards, whether she knows it or not. But a woman like her is worth waiting for. I just didn't see it soon enough. So if this is what she wants... for now, I wait. It's all I can do. I made her a promise that I intend to keep. I'm not going anywhere... and neither are you. I almost caved a few minutes ago. You know, what I always used to do when things don't go my way or something slams into me that I'm not prepared for. I can't do that this time. I won't. I can't change what happened to cause all of this. But, I can do everything in my power to help change the way we all handle it now that we're facing it all again. Alexis and I both ran away from it in our own way. She was running from a lot more than I was though. I lost her. She lost a whole lot more... again. She's been subjected to loss after loss after loss all her life and hasn't got much to show for what she has left."   
  
"But you've lost just as much as she has, Sonny."   
  
"No, not quite. Her family is gone... at least all that she could call family. Her so-called friends don't count for much, present company excluded of course. She put everything she had left into her work... into me... into whatever made her feel something... she held onto anything that she felt gave her life meaning. Everything that that kept her on solid ground... kept her focused was finally ripped away from her. And there I stood right in the middle of it all. I was just too much of a fool to see it. Now she has our daughter. Everything she felt for me, her sister, her mother... anyone who ever meant anything to her... all of that is now reserved for our baby. I can see why she hid her from me... I don't like it... I have to force myself not to dwell on it because I get crazy when I do. The child is mine just as much as it is hers, but because of all that she has lost and the way she lost it... she made her every day existence all about protecting the child from anything and everything that she saw as a threat to her. And that most definitely included me. But, I can't fault her for it. Look at all that she has gone through the last year. Can you blame her for how she chose to handle it all?" 

Johnny shook his head slowly back and forth.  He didn't agree with Sonny.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sonny. But, this wasn't what she chose. People don't choose to sit day after day staring straight ahead not seeing anything... not aware of anything around them. I think she just finally let go of the fight and it was too much for her and this is where she ended up. She let her guard down not realizing what the outcome would be. I'm not a doctor or anything, but I can't see her taking the same road twice that put her here."   
  
Sonny looked up and studied Johnny intently.   
  
"So you don't think we have to worry about her slipping away again?"   
  
Johnny knew that as much as Sonny was trying to be strong, he was also trying to grab onto any kind of reassurances he could at this point.   
  
"How many times have you known her to fight for someone she loves? And I'm not referring to that unexplainable need she has to keep people like Jax and Ned around her. I mean for those people who mean the world to her. Like you for instance. She fights relentlessly and without regard for the people that hold a very special place in her heart. Don't you think that now that she knows what the dangers are she will be more cautious in how she handles things for the sake of the child?"   
  
"Perhaps you're right. But, I don't want to take any chances. Just as soon as she allows you back in, you stay close to her. Get her to talk about everything. Do whatever you have to, but just keep her with us."   
  
"I'll do the best I can, Sonny. For my own reasons, I don't want to lose her again either. So what are you going to do while all of this is playing out?"   
  
Sonny sat there for a few moments trying to figure out what he could do for Alexis. An image came into his mind at the last moment and he smiled.   
  
"I'm going to do for her exactly what she did for me!"   
  
"And what was that?"   
  
"Never mind! Look, I've got something I need to take care of. Since she's not going to be looking for me for a while, now is as good a time as any to take care of it. Call me if anything happens, ok?"   
  
"Sure. Any idea how long you'll be?"   
  
"Just long enough to take Courtney home and make a couple of phone calls. Shouldn't take more than an hour at the most."   
  
Sonny rose from his chair and offered his hand to Johnny. Grasping it tightly he spoke with great care and feeling.   
  
"Thank you, Johnny. For all you've done for her. I will be in your debt for the rest of my life. Whatever you need... whenever... you just call and I'll be there."   
  
Johnny felt a lump grow in his throat at the absolute sincerity he heard in Sonny's voice. He honestly felt that he could now say he had two good friends. He was a lucky man indeed.   
  
"Likewise, Sonny. If Joy and I can ever do anything for you... legally that is ... you just call."   
  
Sonny laughed at Johnny's attempt to bring a little levity into the conversation to break up the seriousness.   
  
"I'm afraid of what Alexis would do to me if it wasn't a legal favor. Remember Zander."   
  
"Yeah. I'd say you learned your lesson on that one whether you want to admit it or not."   
  
Sonny grew serious as a thought came to him.   
  
"Johnny, do you think it would help Alexis if Zander came to see her? They really did make a pretty good connection with each other. The boy means a lot to her."   
  
Johnny thought about Sonny's suggestion for a minute before answering.   
  
"I honestly don't know, Sonny. Maybe not right now, but in a few days... maybe it wouldn't hurt for her to have someone else around that cares a lot about her. Do you think we should call Ned or maybe Jax?"   
  
"Absolutely not."   
  
Sonny stopped a moment and considered the reasoning behind his answer before continuing.   
  
"She would be quite upset that we were discussing something like this behind her back, but I just don't think that bringing those two around could help in any way right now. With Zander, I think we can impress upon him the urgency of being here for her... concentrating on what she needs. But Ned and Jax will try to start dictating how she should act, feel, do... know what I'm saying."   
  
Johnny nodded his agreement.   
  
"Yeah. I've had enough run-ins with them to know exactly what you mean and I happen to agree with you. So for now, we give it a couple of days then we'll see where we go. Thanks, Sonny."   
  
"For what?"   
  
Johnny looked up a little sheepishly and answered in an almost inaudible voice.   
  
"For not checking out on me. I needed you to stick with me and help me out and you did. Thanks."   
  
"No problem."   
  
Both men turned as they heard Joy call to them. Johnny stood up and walked toward her.   
  
"Joy, what's wrong? Is it Alexis?"   
  
"Yes. Kevin left just a minute ago. He asked that we give Alexis about half an hour then for me to come get you to go in and be with her. But, before I could she came out and asked if I could find you now. She sounded like she really wanted talk to you. Then she asked Courtney to go make a phone call for her."   
  
Johnny looked back at Sonny with confusion and saw that Sonny was having the same reaction. This didn't sound right. Something was wrong. Both men took off running back to the suite. When they got to the door, Johnny put a hand on Sonny's shoulder and stopped him.   
  
"Let me go in first, Sonny. If everything is alright, I'll come right back out and let you know."   
  
"Ok. Go. Hurry."   
  
Johnny entered the suite and heard absolute silence. He knew what had happened before he even searched the suite. Alexis was gone. Checking the final room to make sure, he headed back out the door and met Sonny on his way in. Nodding swiftly he confirmed what they both suspected the moment Joy appeared in the cafeteria. Alexis was on the run, taking Johnny's truck keys from his bedside table with her.


	69. Chapter 69

  
**_  Chapter 69_**   
  
Sonny panicked when Johnny confirmed their fears that Alexis had indeed left. Anger suddenly rose up in him and he turned slamming his fist into the wall behind him.  How could he have left her?  He promised he wouldn't leave.  But, the minute the door closed behind Johnny earlier, he allowed himself to be talked into leaving for a coffee break.  He felt repulsed at himself for failing her yet again.  He was there to witness her devastation when Kristina died. He saw her go from one extreme to another emotionally. Unlike when she lost Chloe; when Alexis lost Kristina she completely lost control in her grief. With what he knew of her and the way she handled trauma, he should have known she would try to find someway to escape them.  Now she was out there alone and he was terrified.   
  
"Okay Johnny, you wait here. I'll go call some of the boys and get them started looking for her."   
  
Johnny stood there a moment shaking his head imperceptibly. It was going to take Sonny some time to understand that his initial reaction wasn't always the best. Especially where Alexis was concerned.   
  
"Sonny, wait. Don't go and do something you're going to regret. Alexis is not going to want a lot of people knowing what's going on here. If she gets any idea that you have pulled in the boys, she's going to be angrier than she already is and she may never talk to us again. Let's don't screw this up, Sonny."   
  
Shocked at what he was hearing Sonny glared at Johnny menacingly. It defied all reason to him for anyone to attempt to stop him from looking for Alexis. He turned on Johnny with a vengeance, advancing closer until he stood almost nose-to-nose with Johnny.   
  
"Just what do you suggest we do then? Leave her out there... not knowing where she is or if she is ok?"   
  
Johnny took a step backward to put a little distance between Sonny and himself and lay a comforting hand on Sonny's shoulder.   
  
"No, that's not what I'm suggesting. But... I think I know where she is."   
  
"Then let's go."   
  
Johnny caught hold of Sonny's arm to stop him from walking away.   
  
"No, Sonny. You can't go with me. If I'm right, then where I'm going is private. Not only to her, but to me especially. I will not allow anyone to disturb where I think she is. Besides, her being there is just a hunch. If she's not there, I'll call you and we'll figure out where to go from there. Give me about twenty minutes... I'll know by then. If she's there we won't be coming back right away. You go ahead and do what you were going to do before we knew she was gone."   
  
"You expect me to go off knowing she's somewhere out there... maybe in trouble?"   
  
Johnny looked at him unwaveringly and nodded.   
  
"That's exactly what I expect you to do. Remember who this is about Sonny. Don't go getting selfish on me now. You do what you have to... what you planned to do. I'll take care of her until I can get her back here. Look, I know I'm asking a lot from you. But I need you to trust me right now. Trust that I will take care of her. "   
  
Sonny stood still for a moment longer. There was a war raging inside of him. He wanted to go with Johnny... he wanted to make sure Alexis was ok... he wanted to talk to her, make her understand... and he wanted her well. Mentally stepping back from the situation he did his best to view it objectively and immediately saw that Johnny was right.   
  
"Ok, I'll wait to hear from you. If she is there, then I'll take Courtney home and take care of what I need to do for her."   
  
"Thanks, Sonny."   
  
Sonny watched helplessly as Johnny turned to Joy and asked for her car keys. He saw Johnny lean down and kiss her, then speak quietly to her. Joy caught hold of Johnny's face and the look that passed across her face made Sonny feel very inadequate. He wanted to be looked at like that; wanted to be loved that completely. In watching the scene between Johnny and Joy, he found himself yearning for the type of relationship they shared. No one fought for the upper hand... they just drifted from one moment to the next working together, sharing moments, giving their all. Hearing Joy answer Johnny, Sonny turned and walked quietly down the hall to give them a little privacy.   
  
"Johnny, you need to go now. You are probably right in where you think she is. It somehow makes sense that she would go there. Don't worry about me. I'll be here waiting when you get back. Now go. Hurry. She needs you."   
  
"Joy, I'm not so good admitting when something scares the life out of me. But, right now..."   
  
"I know, love. You're dealing with a lot more than you ever really bargained for. You did not expect things to get this heavy. But don't worry; you are doing just fine. If she is there, then you have to know you've done more for her since she's been awake than you ever realized. I think when Alexis ran, she ran to the one place she felt safe, the one place that holds no bad memories for her. Now go, my love. Go find her."   
  
Johnny took hold of Joy and pulled her into his arms with urgency. He never realized he was capable of loving someone so much. His love for Joy filled him completely and sometimes he felt like he would explode from the depth of how much he felt for her. Looking down into her eyes he leaned down and kissed her fiercely. Once again the thought crossed his mind that the only way he could get enough of her was to crawl inside her and pull her around him like a second skin.   
  
"Joy, don't ever leave me. You would tear my heart out if you did. I don't have the words to tell you how much you mean to me."   
  
"I know, Johnny. I feel the same way. You and I were meant to be together. It was written in the stars before time began. Now, go. Johnny you have to go. Don't leave her out there alone too long. I'll be right here sending prayers to heaven for both you and Alexis. Sonny and I will wait together for your call."   
  
"I love you... bye."   
  
"Bye, Johnny."   
  
Joy watched Johnny run down the hall. When he left her sight she turned to look for Sonny. He had moved down the hall out of hearing distance. Walking toward him, she met his gaze as he raised his head. She drew to a stand still beside him.   
  
"Why don't we go in and wait together? It won't be a long wait and you should not be alone either right now. Would you like me to find Courtney for you?"   
  
Sonny couldn't take his eyes from hers. He wanted to know what a woman in love... really in love looked like; one who knew without question that she was completely loved in return. What he saw in Joy's eyes left him full of shame and regret. Each time he found himself close enough to look deep into Alexis' eyes there was a host of emotions evident; ranging from hope to sadness, from calm to anger, from mischief to seriousness. But through it all one thing remained constant. There were always questions in her eyes, questions waiting to be answered. Somehow in that moment he knew that he was the only one who could answer her questions. Looking at Joy, he found a question of his own that needed to be answered.   
  
"What does he give you that puts that look in your eyes, Joy?"   
  
"That's a loaded question and one that could take a little time."   
  
"Time is all we have right now and I... "   
  
Sonny looked down at the floor. The struggle that was going on inside him was tough to handle. He wanted so much for things to go right the next time around with Alexis, but having to admit to himself that his way of dealing with things... with someone he loved was flawed... It was a tough pill to swallow. On top of that... having to ask anyone for help with anything gnawed at him. Exhaling forcefully he forced himself to see Alexis' face in his mind he looked back up at Joy.   
  
"I need to know, Joy. When I looked into Alexis' eyes this morning I knew that she loved me, but there was something missing. It's not missing in your eyes when you look at Johnny. There's this thing there that looks like you've given the rest of your life to him and it satisfies you. You look satisfied with your life... your choices."   
  
"That's because I am. I am satisfied with who I am... who I have chosen to spend my life with, and satisfied that I will never have a reason to question the decision I made when I gave my heart and future to Johnny. I will be sitting with Johnny on a porch somewhere 50, 60, 70 years from now more in love with him than I am now. It's what I want more than anything in this world and we have both unconditionally dedicated ourselves to that end."   
  
They both turned quickly as they heard Courtney coming up behind them.   
  
"Sonny, are you ok? What's going on? Alexis asked me to call this number and check her messages. But there is such an overload that I thought I should get a tablet and pen to write them all down."   
  
Sonny took Courtney by the hand and led her into the suite. Just before he entered behind Courtney he turned to Joy.   
  
"Once I tell her what's going on, can we finish this?"   
  
"Of course, Sonny. Do you want a little privacy while you two talk?"   
  
"No, that's not necessary. There's not much about this whole situation that I would care to keep from you at this point. Besides I think it would greatly benefit Courtney if she were to spend more time around you."   
  
Joy couldn't resist teasing him a bit. He was much too serious for his own good.   
  
"Thank you, Sonny. That's quite a compliment coming from you... given your reputation I mean."   
  
Sonny paused a moment and looked intently at Joy. He saw the twinkle in her eye and relaxed realizing that she was in fact just teasing him. He winked at her and turned back to Courtney with a snide remark.   
  
"I think my reputation has taken a serious blow lately hanging around all you independent women. I just may be forced to jump on the bandwagon with Johnny."   
  
Sonny followed Courtney into the living room and joined her on the sofa. Taking both of her hands in his, he grew serious and looked at her with care.   
  
"Courtney, I'm afraid Alexis saw fit to jump ship on us. She got rid of everyone in her way then took off in Johnny's truck. Johnny is out now trying to find her."   
  
Courtney gasped then quickly began studying Sonny trying to gauge where he was emotionally. As much as she liked Alexis, it was Sonny that concerned her most.   
  
"Are you ok?"   
  
"I'm worried, but I'm ok. Johnny thinks he may know where she went. And if he's right, he'll call us and let us know. Once I know she's safe I'm going to take you home and then come back."   
  
"No, I want to stay with you."   
  
Sonny smiled a bit and reached up to caress her cheek.   
  
"I like it a lot that you want to stay with me, but right now none of us know what the next hour is going to hold. I have something I have to do for Alexis and I won't be able to give it my full attention if I'm worried about you. So... please... let me do this my way. I appreciate you wanting to be here for me... more than I can tell you. Having you with me... I'm beginning to understand what Alexis tried so hard to get me to see. I want you to know that I'm proud of you... I'm proud that you are my sister."   
  
Courtney's eyes misted at the words she had waited all of her life to hear. It somehow felt right that they would finally come from her older brother. She had always wanted... needed someone to be proud of her.   
  
"Thank you, Sonny. I'm glad you're my brother. Maybe before it's all over with we'll have walked ourselves right into a real brother and sister relationship. I know that would be a wish come true for me."   
  
"Awww, that's nice."   
  
Sonny patted her hands a couple of times then looked toward Joy who stood just out of earshot then he turned back to Courtney. He found himself trying to find the proper way to ask for privacy, not because she was his sister, but because he cared about her... about how she felt. It totally took him by surprise that she became so much a part of his heart in so little time. He smiled sheepishly.   
  
"Look, I know you must be hungry by now and there is something I need to discuss with Joy regarding Alexis. The kitchen is just down that hallway there. Is it okay for me to ask... I mean for a little... "   
  
Courtney giggled at Sonny's attempt to be polite. It was so new to him that she found it quite comical watching him struggle for the right words.   
  
"Need a little privacy, big brother? I mean that is what you are so nicely trying to ask for, isn't it?"   
  
Sonny laughed at her teasing and reached up and gently tugged at a strand of her hair.   
  
"I can tell right now, you are going to be a handful. Yes, that is what I was trying to ask for little Miss Know-it-All."   
  
"Now see, that wasn't so hard was it. Why don't I make us all some lunch… do you mind, Joy?"   
  
Joy stepped forward with a smile on her face. It had been hard not to overhear the exchange between brother and sister and she found it equally hard at that moment to find the man Johnny once described Sonny to be.   
  
"That's a fine idea, Courtney. Thank you so much for offering. Once Sonny and I get finished here I will join you and we'll finish it up together, then you two can set off to do what you need to do."   
  
Sonny watched Courtney get up and leave the room. He couldn't contain the smile on his face. He was so proud of her and found it tough even now to accept that such a loving and giving person was his sister. He turned his attention back to Joy.   
  
"It's still hard for me to believe she belongs to me."   
  
"Belongs to you, Sonny?"   
  
"Yeah, that she's my sister."   
  
Joy walked around the corner of the sofa and sat down next to Sonny.   
  
"I think we just hit on one of the problems. What did you mean by '_belongs_' to you?"   
  
Sonny looked at Joy quizzically. He wasn't sure exactly what kind of answer she wanted from him.   
  
"That she's... my sister. You know a part of my family... mine."   
  
Joy sat up straighter and pointed at him.   
  
"There, that's the one. What do you mean by 'mine'?"   
  
Sonny was still having trouble understanding what she was driving at.   
  
"It's just a word, Joy."   
  
"No, Sonny. It's more than that. That word... words like that... they come from a certain frame of mind. From the way you view life in general."   
  
"I'm not following."   
  
Joy reached down and pulled his watch from his wrist and held it before him.   
  
"This is a possession, it is an object that can be owned. It does not have feelings. It does not have the capacity to make choices. It is simply an inanimate object. You can say to me 'this watch is mine' and I can agree wholeheartedly. But, when you say to me 'Courtney is mine'... there's where the way you view things gets a bit skewed. We cannot own people. They have rights, they have feelings, they can say yes and they can say no. It is their choice to either be with us or not to be with us. We cannot force them to be what we need them to be like you can this watch. If you try to treat them as you would this watch then they lose their sense of individuality and you lose the gift of discovering who they really are and enjoying the best they have to offer you. You asked me what Johnny gave me... Every morning when Johnny wakes up he asks himself, what can I do to make today special for Joy? When he looks at me, he sees me... not who he would like me to be. He accepts the woman that I am... doesn't try to change me... doesn't try to ask more of me than I am capable of giving. He gives everything that he is to me. And because I know his heart is mine, I don't harbor any jealousy at all when it comes to his friends. There is a total trust between us... no secrets... nothing false. We don't hide anything from each other. We have chosen to walk through life as partners both giving 100% to each other. Because he makes it his business to make life as easy as possible for me, I in turn, do my best to see that the home he provides for me is full of love and laughter... I see to it that he has everything that he needs at home so that when he is away from me during the day he wants nothing more than to come home to me at night... he is eager to return home to me. Do you see what I'm trying to say? The wide-eyed, touchy, feely emotion of love is nowhere near what it's all about. Love is commitment. Love is staying true to the one who holds your heart; in good times and in bad. Emotions and turmoil may rock the boat a bit... but it's the commitment to each other that keeps the boat afloat. If you stand hand in hand, rooted in a good foundation... then your love will survive. And it will stand the test of time... as long as you remain totally committed to the care and well-being of the one you love."   
  
Sonny glanced up at her and grinned mischievously.   
  
"Just how old are you anyway?"   
  
Joy laughed and leaned a little closer to whisper.   
  
"Old enough to know a good man when I see one."


	70. Chapter 70

  Chapter 70 

Coming out of the trees, Johnny turned toward the gazebo in hopes of finding Alexis there. He knew she was here before he made the turn onto the small dirt road. The skid marks on the blacktop road attested to the fact that she nearly missed the turn. Parking the car next to his truck he grimaced at how close the front wheels of his truck were to the deep ditch that paralleled the tree line. When he didn't find her sitting in the gazebo he let his eyes wander around the area searching for her. When his eyes finally came to rest on the grave of his grandmother, his heart sank. It was there that he found Alexis. She was sitting with her back leaned against the side of the monument, head down resting on arms that clutched her knees tightly to her breast. She didn't hear him approach, but he could tell by her ragged and irregular breathing that she was struggling to contain her emotions.

"Alexis?"

He heard her breath catch and then release slowly as she realized who spoke to her,  never lifting her head.

"Would you like me to call someone for you?"

Johnny watched apprehensively as her head slowly rose, eyes red and swollen from crying gradually met his. The voice that answered him was broken and weary.

"Who would you call, Johnny? Would you call my father… can't he was murdered years ago. Doesn't matter though, there's not much he could actually offer since I never really knew him. My mother? She was also murdered when I was a child. Such a loving and sweet soul… so loving that she couldn't see the danger until it was too late. Maybe you'd like to call brother? But, why should he care. He's yet to call or even inquire about me? Doesn't really matter anyway, he has his own life; he's paid his dues and deserves a little peace and quiet."

Johnny stepped forward quickly as he saw her start to rise then stopped immediately when she lifted her hand signaling him to keep his distance. His heart froze with her next words, which were heavy with sarcasm and restrained venom.

"Or maybe you would like to call my sister… oh wait, now see… there I go again, asking for the impossible. Just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she too was murdered. Only this time, I was the one who took an innocent life. Oh, I'm well aware that I had plenty of help in accomplishing such a task. My cohorts in crime… Mr. Ned Ashton; who thinks I am incapable of handling my life and Mr. Sonny Corinthos; mob boss extraordinaire; self-absorbed, self-proclaimed ruler of Port Charles, New York. The great and mighty king… the all knowing; never wrong, always right… Mr. Sonny Corinthos."

Johnny's fear was rising. He could see the strain she was under just trying to control her anger, her bitterness and resentment. What he feared most were the repercussions he could be faced with should she lose the battle he knew she was desperately fighting. Alexis had always been adamant about maintaining control of her emotions, regardless of the circumstance. Not willing to help her continue down the path of self-loathing and destruction, Johnny tried another tactic.

"I was thinking I could maybe call one of your friends."

She chuckled derisively.

"What? Jax? Haven't seen or heard from him since I've been here. I'm really not surprised though, Jax always did go his own way. Or perhaps you'd like to call Ned? You've already said it yourself, Johnny. He has his own way of dealing with Alexis and her tendency to screw up her life. Besides… Ned has done quite enough, thank you. Who else is there, Johnny? Maybe you can tell me. Who would you call if you were me?"

Johnny thought for a moment and came up with someone who might be able to calm her down, but knew even as the thought came that she would not consider it. But still, he had to try. Maybe Nicholas could talk to her.

"I could call…"

"**_DON'T_**. Don't you even dare."

Johnny stilled at the hardness he heard in her voice. He understood that she assumed he was talking about Sonny. Looking at her as she stood a few feet away from him, he was terrified at what he was seeing. Her back was rigid, every muscle frozen in place to keep her from showing any weakness or vulnerability. He took a few steps closer and again stopped when she moved away from him.

"I was talking about someone in Port Charles. Isn't there anyone I can call to help you through this, Alexis?"

She raised her eyebrows as she looked at him… her forced smile a thin line of sarcasm.

"What? Are you ready to bail on me too, Johnny? I thought we had an agreement.  Sorry, my mistake.  I guess it was only in effect until I remembered what I did to… Well no matter, as you can see, I have it all now. It's okay, really… you can go now. I'm releasing you from your commitment. I wouldn't presume to think you would want to hang around now."

"**_STOP IT_**. Damn it Alexis, just stop it."

Johnny knew what she was doing, but he didn't know what to do to stop her. She was turning her hatred inward. All of her grief, her guilt, the blame… she was placing it all on herself. He moved quickly toward her and took her by the arm and swung her around to face him before she had the chance to run from him. He put both of his arms around her and she immediately began to struggle to free herself from his hold spitting acidic words at him.

"Let me go, Johnny. Damn you. Let me go. Go back to your perfect little world and your perfect little wife. Leave me alone. Don't you understand that I don't want you here! I don't need you. I don't need anybody. I don't **_want_** anybody."

Johnny jerked her away from him enough to look her in the eye.

"If that is what you wanted, then why did you come here? Why did you come to my grandmother?"

When she didn't answer him, he shook her once and repeated his question more forcefully.

"Why, Alexis? Why here?"

Alexis stilled. The agony in his voice, his concern for her was causing her to lose some of the anger that held her composed. She looked up into his eyes and gasped at the absolute fear and desperation she saw there.

"Let me go, Johnny. Please. I couldn't take it if something happened to you because of me. Please… just go back to Joy. Go back to her and build that life you were telling me about. I need to know that it is possible for someone to have that kind of life. Please, just go."

He loosed his hold on her, but still kept his arms around her. He could feel through her body that she was reluctantly calming a bit. He took advantage and pressed her.

"No, Alexis. You haven't answered me yet. I'm not going anywhere until you do. Now please answer my question. Why did you come here?"

In a voice so quiet he had to bend over to hear, she finally answered him.

"I didn't know where I was going when I left. I just knew that if I didn't get away from there… I felt trapped. I just started driving and before I knew it I was here and it somehow felt like this was where I was supposed to be; like it was the only place I could go. It was the closest I could get…"

He felt her lean into him and her forehead slowly found his shoulder.

"Get to what, Alexis?"

"To… to her."

"Who?"

He waited, knowing she would tell him when she could bring herself to voice it aloud. Gently taking her arm he led her to the gazebo and sat her down just inside the entry where the sun still shone and could warm her. Sitting down beside her, he gently coaxed her once more.

"Who is it that you wanted to get close to, Alexis?"

Alexis leaned back against the rough timber of the bench and stared down at the floor. Johnny could visually see her trembling. Inching closer to her, he put his arm around her and pulled her closer.

"Tell me, sweetheart."

"Kristina."

He knew what her response would be, but he couldn't imagine how this place that he made for his grandmother could give her what she needed.

"I don't understand, Alexis. How can coming here bring you closer to your sister? It's not making a whole lot of sense to me. Could you explain it?"

Alexis pulled away from Johnny and stood up. She turned so that she was facing the grave of his grandmother.

"There's no where else I could have gone that wasn't marred… contaminated by my life. It was because of her, because of your grandmother… You grew up in a house full of love. So did Kristina. I thought… I thought if I came here… sat here for a while I could find enough love still hanging around that maybe… I know it doesn't make sense. But, Kristina learned how to love from people who loved. Just like you did. I want my daughter to learn it as well. But, I don't have it in me to teach her. How can I teach her something that I never knew? How can I teach her how to take responsibility for her actions when I couldn't even do it myself? Kristina could have taught her… but she… she can't now."

"Alexis, you have more love in you than just about anyone I know. That's what your little girl needs from you."

"No, not anymore. When Kristina died… when I put her in that warehouse and she died… something died in me. I'm not sure I can be the mother that my daughter will need."

Johnny stood and stepped closer to Alexis. Putting an arm around her shoulder he drew her face toward his.

"Tell me something, partner. Is this the kind of thinking you were up to after the funeral? Is this what you were doing to yourself when you slipped away?"

She left the shelter of his arm as well as the gazebo and walked toward the brook. Johnny waited another moment before following her. A thought was formulating in his mind and he wasn't quite finished with it yet. Stepping down he slowly followed her with his head down… thinking. When he drew close enough for her to hear him, he quietly spoke.

"So let me get this straight. You are holding yourself responsible for the death of your sister and because of that you are questioning your ability to be a good mother. You also figure you don't have any friends you can depend on and your family really hasn't been there for you either when you needed them. But, there's more going on here than that isn't there? Much more! You're leaving out a big part of all this. Want to shed some light on it for me? Give me the whole picture, Alexis?"

Johnny waited a moment for her to respond, but wasn't surprised when she didn't. She was firmly ensconced behind her walls again and wasn't allowing him access. He needed her angry again. If what he suspected was true, she wouldn't come close to admitting it unless it came out in anger.

"It's Sonny, isn't it? He's the missing piece in all of this. I'm not entirely sure how he fits into this little pity party you've got going here. Care to help me out a bit? Oh wait, before I ask such a personal question I would first have to know which one of you I'm talking to, right? Are you Alexis, or are you Natasha? Which one of you cares to speak up and talk a little truth here? Or do you both just want to sit back and take the easy way out again? I'm surprised that both of you are choosing cowardice this time."

He barely saw it coming out of the corner of his eye, but the ringing in his ears and the lights dancing around in his head were proof enough that there was still a lot of fire left in Alexis Davis. Lifting his hand to rub his stinging cheek where her handprint remained, he grinned impishly.

"See, I knew there was still some fight left in you."

Alexis exploded on him.

"**_How dare you play with me like that?_** Is it not enough that my whole world just fell apart? Do you want to add more on top of it? Want to see just how much more I can take? No wait, I get it now. Even my so-called best friend, _Mr. Johnny O'Brien_ feels the need to start handling me. What… am I mot performing the way you think I ought to? Did I not cry enough for you… miss the cue that allowed me to get angry… or maybe it was too much for you? Tell me, what could I possibly do to satisfy you?"

A small inner voice pleaded with her to calm down and watch her words. She didn't want to hear it… she didn't want to back down as she always did to protect others from her anger. She tried desperately to ignore the voice. But, it would not be silenced. Slipping to the ground she began rocking back and forth trying to comfort the agony she was feeling deep inside. A faint agonizing sound of defeat found its way past her trembling lips.

"I am so absolutely bone weary of constantly being manipulated by those I would call friend. They think it is their right to dictate how I live my life. They push and pull, drag me in and out of their lives at their discretion… but only when they need something from me. It's not enough that I give them all I have… it's not enough that I run to them every time they crook their finger. I do anything and everything I can to keep them from walking away… to keep them in my life regardless of what it costs me. But it's still not enough. What more do they want from me? I don't have anything left to give. They honestly think they are entitled to tell me how to act, what to feel, how to feel, what to do or not do… and I am just so jaw-droppingly sick of it. And now here you are doing the very same thing. I thought I could trust you. Why Johnny? Why do you have to be like the rest of them? I thought I stood a chance with you. It was different with Kristina. She accepted me just as I was. She didn't always agree with me, but she stood by me regardless of how wrong she thought I was. She loved me… Johnny, she loved me like your grandmother loved you. I will never have someone love me so unreservedly ever again. Kristina was it for me. Do you know what facing a life of conditional acceptance feels like… what it does to you inside? No, of course you don't. How could you with someone like Joy in your life?"

Alexis slowly rose and went back to the gazebo and sat down. She heard Johnny follow, but didn't care. There was nothing left inside of her for any of them.

Johnny's heart was grieving deeply for his friend. Her words cut him deeply. But he knew they were words of truth, words that needed to be said. Alexis needed to say them… it was probably the first time she ever allowed herself to really face the truth regarding her relationships. Entering the gazebo, he knelt before her and took her hand into his own. He kissed it then gently lay it just above where her child rested.

Alexis looked down at him and saw the tears her words had caused him. She was in awe of how tender and loving this man's heart was. Even with all that she said to him, his concern was still for her and the child she carried. Raising her arms she put them around his neck and hugged him fiercely.

"I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Johnny took hold of her arms and abruptly pulled her away from him.

"No, stop. Don't you ever apologize for telling the truth! There's only one thing that I think you are wrong about. You are loved… unconditionally, and you will be loved unconditionally for the rest of your life. By me as your friend, and by this little one that you have fought so hard to protect. You are loved, Alexis. I regret having to get a little tough on you, but I didn't know how else to reach you. I was scared that if I left you alone you would do the same thing you did after you came home from the funeral. I don't know about you… but I just couldn't take the chance of that happening again. I need you too much. I need to be able to love you as my friend, support you, fight for you if need be. I need a friend. Being friends with you has added so much to my life. Alexis, let me be your friend. Let me try to show you what having a real friend is all about."

The tears were cascading down her cheeks. Drawing his head closer to her she kissed him on both cheeks then rested her forehead against his.

"I know that you are my friend. You've been my 'Kristina' of sorts these past couple of months. Everything you have done has been geared toward making things the best they could be for me under the circumstances. Johnny, I want to be the same kind of friend for you. But, I'm not entirely sure I know how. But, I'd like to try. Teach me."

Johnny rose from his knees and sat down beside her on the bench. Putting an arm around her he smiled comfortingly.

"I don't have to teach you, Alexis. You already know how. You've just been shaken up and can't see it right now. You're the one that taught me what I know of friendship. I've watched you walk in and out of people's lives spreading a wealth of love and wisdom as if you possessed a never-ending supply of it. The only problem has been, the people you give it all to have not stopped long enough to learn how to return the gift or to even say a simple thank you. They've been too caught up in themselves to look any further than their own nose. So, we just have to hit them over the head a few times so they'll get the message."

Alexis let her hand run down the side of Johnny's face in a gentle caress then stood and left the gazebo to return to the foot of Rose O'Brien's grave. Johnny followed her and stopped when he heard her soft voice.

"No, I don't think so. I've had enough, Johnny. People are who they are and I'm too tired to fight for something that should have been mine all along. That battle is just not one I want to engage in any longer. Besides I've got enough to deal with right now. Somehow I have to find a way to handle all of this anger that's threatening to take over. I don't want 'little Kristina' to be born into a world where this kind of anger and hate exists. I don't know how to get rid of it yet, but I have to find a way."

Johnny drew alongside her and lay his arm across her shoulder.

"I'll do anything I can to help, Alexis."

Alexis settled her arm around his waist and lay her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Johnny. But, I think this is something that I'm going to have to do for myself. I don't think you can help me find my way through this one, in fact, I don't think you should stay as close as you have been. I can't promise that in the heat of anger I won't say something that might hurt you. It seems that I no longer have control of my tongue. But, I can promise you that I won't be taking any dives this time. I'll do whatever I have to in order to keep that from happening."

Johnny pulled her closer.

"Just remember, I'll always be around if you need me partner."


	71. Chapter 71

  Chapter 71 

"You know, we're going to have to deal with it sooner or later. We can't stay out here indefinitely."

Johnny and Alexis had returned to the gazebo and sat quietly for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Looking over at her, Johnny hated to have to bring up Sonny, but there was no way around it. He would be waiting for their return and Alexis needed to be prepared.

"Actually, I was thinking that maybe I could go home now. But, I don't really have a home anymore. I don't want to go back to the apartment yet. I can't look at those walls day in and day out knowing that what happened there cost me my sister."

Johnny couldn't sit back and let her continue to blame herself for her sister's death. He felt he needed to say something for her sake.

"Alexis, there is so much that you do not know about what was really going on when Kristina died. Don't you want to know what really happened?"

"I know what happened. Someone was going after Sonny again and my sister paid the price for my association with him. But, if I had told her the truth… if I had just been honest with her… trusted her … she would not have been in that warehouse."

Johnny was out of his league and he knew it. What Alexis needed to deal with where Kristina was concerned was more than he knew how to handle. She needed to talk to Kevin. Trying to move the conversation away from any role Alexis felt she was responsible for in Kristina's death, Johnny asked her if she wanted to know the why of the bombing.

"No, Johnny; that's not your story to tell. I need to hear it from Sonny. I want… I have to see… it just has to come from him. I hope you can understand."

He didn't really understand, but he left it alone. Maybe there were just some things that Alexis still needed to hear from Sonny in order for them to make sense to her. And maybe she just needed to see how Sonny felt about everything now that all of her memories were intact. Whatever the reason, Johnny respected her enough to let her deal with it the way that was best for her.

"You know he is going to be waiting on us when we get back."

"I know."

"Can you handle that?"

"I don't know. All I know right now, is that I'm angry. At myself… at Ned… at 'him'… at…"

Johnny frowned as he watched her look away from him. Her face was filled with remorse, guilt and confusion. He didn't know whether to press her to finish her sentence or not. His question was answered when he heard her take the initiative to finish it on her own.

"I loved Kristina with all my heart. She was a part of me. But… I… I'm angry with her and that makes everything so much harder to deal with. How can I face myself when I am just so angry with her?  I don't want the anger… not at Kristina, but I just can't seem to stop. I'm angry that she left me… which just makes me even angrier with myself and with Sonny. Why couldn't she trust me to handle my own life? Why couldn't she just trust me?"

The more she tried to explain what she felt and why, the more nervous and agitated she became. Johnny was becoming afraid of the damage she could possibly be doing to herself and the baby.

"Alexis, please calm down. Look, as much as you hate the idea… you need to talk to Kevin. Please."

"No, I don't want to talk to Kevin. I don't want to talk to anyone. This is mine to deal with and I will. Johnny, don't push me toward Kevin."

"Is it because he has a way of getting down to the root of a problem or is it because he is too rough on you? Don't you want to get rid of the baggage that keeps you so tied up?"

"It's my baggage, Johnny. Mine to deal with as I see fit. I'm asking you to leave it alone. For now, just let me handle this my way. I made you a promise that I intend to keep. If I get into trouble I'll let you know. Now, as much as I hate the idea of leaving here, my little girl needs me to take care of her. I need to eat something and I need to find a way to calm down.

Johnny nodded his head and glanced around him. He lifted his head as a gentle breeze blew by and closed his eyes to take in the full effect. As much as his friend was feeling in that moment, Johnny took a moment to remember that part of his soul that kept him at peace. A small smile touched the corners of his mouth as his grandmother's face appeared before him.

Alexis watched him with envy.

"Someday Johnny… someday I want to know what that feels like."

"What feels like?"

"Contentment, peace, love… all rolled into one. I wonder if it's possible… with the life I've led… what I have cost those around me… I wonder."

Johnny looked at her lovingly and reached over to draw her to him. He lay a companionable arm across her shoulders and kissed her lightly on the forehead. 

"Want to bet me a dollar that by this time next year you'll have all that and more?"

She smiled at him patronizingly and turned her back toward the pathway leading to the road.

"Well I certainly can't put it off forever. Let's go, Johnny. It's best to just get it over with."

Johnny caught up with her and took her hand.

"Just one more thing, partner. You might want to let me drive the truck back. You take Joy's car."

Alexis peered at him quizzically.

"Why? I didn't have any problems with the truck."

"Uhm… I think I'd like to back it away from the ditch myself… just in case."

"What ditch?"

Johnny stopped abruptly.

"The ditch you almost drove it into. _You mean you didn't see that ditch_?"

"_You're crazy, Johnny_. There wasn't a ditch."

Johnny started off again dragging her with him. As they came out on the other side of the trees, Johnny guided her toward the truck and almost lost his balance as she stopped dead still jerking him to a standstill beside her. He couldn't help but laugh at her pronouncement.

"_There's a ditch there_! I almost drove your truck into a ditch!"

"I know, Miss Smartie. Did you think I was pulling your leg or something?"

"Or something. Can you back it away without it going in?"

"No problem. Give me the keys and here… you take Joy's. Meet you back in the parking lot."

Alexis looked up at him with an unreadable expression.

"I don't want to go in alone, but I also don't want you to interfere. Are we clear, Johnny?"

"Yeah, we're clear. Now let's head this little convoy back, shall we."

***************

Arriving back at the sanitarium, Alexis and Johnny parked the vehicles and got out. Johnny saw Alexis' step falter and then she hesitated. He walked toward her and stopped a step away.

"You ready, partner?"

"No, I'm not. But, I don't guess that makes much difference at this point. Come on, let's get this over with."

Alexis took hold of Johnny's hand and with an uncertain first step, she straightened and called upon that part of herself that always handled the rough parts of her life. As she walked along beside Johnny, she bowed her head briefly to try and settle the chaos that held a firm unyielding grip on her. Failing, she stopped and lay an unsteady hand on Johnny's arm.

"Johnny, can you give me a minute?"

"Sure, whatever you want."

Johnny watched with concern as Alexis walked a few steps away and leaned heavily against a tree. He saw her lower her head and close her eyes. He stood there a few moments and then finally saw her straighten. Her head came up, her shoulders drew back and her whole posture strengthened. When she turned back around to face him she wore a mask. No one who saw her now would ever guess what she had just been through… there was no sign of weakness, no sign of grief or loss… all that remained was a steadfast resoluteness. Alexis successfully put away all of her vulnerabilities. No one could touch her now. Johnny knew in that moment who was running the show now. Natasha Alexis Davidovich was protecting the princess behind an impregnable wall of determination. And Johnny's heart cried.

Alexis walked back toward Johnny without looking at him. She was completely focused on keeping all things in order and would not allow any obstacles to get in her way. And that included Johnny's kind heart.

The two of them entered the building and walked steadily up to her suite. Just as they rounded the corner onto the hallway where her suite was, they both drew to a sudden stop. Without touching her, Johnny felt the tension in Alexis mount.

Hearing someone start down the hall, Sonny looked up and froze. His blood ran cold at the look on her face. It was almost as if he were looking at a stranger. He was so intent on the expression or lack of on her face that it barely registered that she was again walking toward her room. As she came to her door she stopped and looked directly at him. He rose from the chair he placed outside her door to answer whatever she asked of him.

"Just what is it you think you are doing, Sonny?"

Her voice was cold and hard, but he refused to hide behind his own shell of protection. He returned her gaze and answered.

"I'm returning a favor a friend of mine once did for me. She bent the rules to stay with me until I was released from my own private brand of hell. I want her to know that I respect her and care enough about her to do the same thing. I've worked it out so that the suite right across from yours is mine until you're ready to leave. I'm going to sit here with you until you're okay. I'm not going to intrude on your privacy, not going to force you to talk to me. I'm just here in case you need something."

Sonny dropped his gaze and stepped around her. He quietly opened her door for her then returned to his chair and waited to see what her reaction would be. It wasn't what he expected.

"Suit yourself. Johnny, I'm going to find a bite to eat then take a nap. Would you wake me in a couple of hours? I think I would like to take a walk _alone_ this afternoon."

Johnny was struck dumb by the absolute coldness that Alexis was exhibiting toward Sonny. He didn't see her flinch once… not one crack in her demeanor as she walked through the door that Sonny opened for her. Looking down at Sonny, he threw his hands up.

"What was that?"

"Don't worry about it, Johnny. She's just letting me know that she's not ready to see me or talk to me yet. Go on now. Go take care of her. Let me know if she needs anything."

"You're just going to sit here?"

"Yep."

"I don't get it."

"You don't have to. She does and that's what matters. Now go on. I'll be fine."

Johnny walked slowly into the suite shutting the door behind him. He leaned against it for a moment shaking his head in disbelief before going to check on Alexis. He needed to find Joy… wanted her arms around him. He needed a little bit of relief from the intensity he had been through the last couple of hours.

"Alexis, you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I'll go look for Joy and see what's on the menu for the day then I'll come back."

"You don't have to come back, Johnny. You need to spend a little time with Joy. So, please… go be with Joy. I need a little quiet time if you don't mind."

"Sure thing, partner. Just holler if you need anything."

Johnny turned and went toward his own room figuring that was where he would find his wife. He wasn't disappointed. He found Joy reclining on the bed, reading. Lying down beside her he felt her arms close around him and he breathed a sigh of relief. He was home, safe and in the arms of love.


	72. Chapter 72

**__**

Chapter 72

Alexis closed her bedroom door when Johnny left and went to sit in the easy chair beside her window. Allowing herself to relax a bit, she could finally admit that seeing Sonny sitting outside her door had thrown her. It took all the restraint and control she possessed to keep it together until she could get into her room. Leaning forward she dropped her head into her hands. She couldn't ever remember feeling so alone in her whole life… and yet it was Sonny who sat outside her door ready to provide her with whatever she needed. Sonny…

Closing her eyes and leaning back again, Alexis remembered… remembered words spoken in anger, with grief so overwhelming it took your breath away. She remembered eyes full of tears that couldn't be released lest someone see a forbidden weakness. His eyes… his beautiful eyes full of sadness… soft with regret… with concern… for her. She remembered…

__

I don't know what anyone would do without you seeing to everything. I mean, that's what you do. You are the all-knowing, almighty, all-powerful mobster. Do you even care that you're poison? That anyone who goes near you is risking their life?

Someone tried to kill you, and my sister lost her life instead. Isn't that what happened to your first wife? Why couldn't it ever be you? Why aren't you lying under a white sheet in the ICU?

You must be so proud of your right hand boy. He's almost like family, and we all know what family means to you.

I'm afraid that we haven't made our Sonny very happy, but not to worry. No one ever has. But many have died trying. Do you think you're the only person who understands family? My family, the Cassadines, were staging deadly vendettas while your ancestors were working our fields with the other peasants. I could, in the honor of my family tradition, declare revenge on you, I could place a curse on you. I could vow to make you pay, but that would be redundant. And it certainly wouldn't be necessary at all because you are already cursed. You bring death where you go. But I survived, unlike your mother, or Lily, or her unborn child. Or Brenda… or your unborn child.

That's his crowning achievement – everybody dies around him yet he is the one that always lives! I mean, really? Isn't it amazing? Isn't it extraordinary? I mean, it's just unbelievable! It is so unbelievable that I feel compelled to give you a prize. So here! Take it! You killed her; you earned it. Put it on your mantle and remember what you've done and who's paid the price. TAKE IT!

Pulling herself together and wiping the tears away, Alexis stood and left her bedroom. Walking through the living room, she turned toward the front door. Placing her hand on the doorknob, she hesitated a moment then quietly opened it wide. Leaning against the doorframe, she crossed her arms and leveled an intense glare at Sonny as he rose from his chair.

"I have just one question right now. Just give me the answer and nothing more, If you can't hold your comments to just the answer, let me know now."

"I'll do my best, Alexis."

"Fine. After what I said to you at the hospital… at… at the service… for my sister… after I said all those things… why are you still here?"

Sonny took a small step forward then stopped. He knew it would be a matter of time before she asked. She did everything… said everything she could to turn him away from her. And here he sat… waiting… patiently for some small bit of recognition from her. Sitting calmly and waiting for anything always seemed to be a waste of time of time for him. But, this was different. This time he was waiting for his life to begin. He smiled a bit hesitantly then answered as honestly as he knew how.

"No matter how much you hated me… you and I could never hide form one another. As much as you knew the words would hurt me… they hurt you just as much to say them. I knew what you were doing. I didn't know all of the reasons behind it at the time, but I knew you were just trying to force me to walk away, to turn my back on you. How could I hold it against you when all you were doing was trying to protect yourself from me? At the pain I caused you. At least that's what I thought at the time. But, I couldn't walk away. I did what you expected me to do… I put distance between us physically. But, I left with you that part of me that only you could see…"

Alexis felt herself waiver and straightened up. She couldn't let him get to her… she couldn't handle those emotions yet. So she stopped him.

"That's enough, Sonny. You've answered my question. That's all I wanted you to do."

Sonny instantly recognized she was retreating and took a step backward to make sure she didn't feel intimidated by him in any way.

"Is there anything you need, Alexis? Anything I can get for you?"

Alexis needed to push him away from her. Even though he now stood a good 4 feet away, he was still too close.

"No. I think I have all that I'm supposed to have now. Everyone who was ever able to touch the deepest part of me is now gone. My mother… Chloe… Kristina… you… You took yourself out of the picture. Who knows, maybe next time it will be me that pays the ultimate price and I won't ever have to go through the agony of having my world ripped apart again. But, what about my daughter! How do I protect her from you and your life; from my world and me… How am I supposed to keep her safe from us? Think about that for a while, Sonny."

Sonny took a step closer and looked at her steadily without any doubts… without any questions… without a second thought…

"I'm not gone, Alexis. All I asked is that you remember me. Remember who we both were just a few hours ago. We can work this out… if you'll just give us a chance. I'm here… I'm not leaving. I made you a promise that I intend to keep. Give me all you got… yell at me, ignore me, blame me for everything… whatever it takes. Do whatever you need to in order to get through this, but listen to me Alexis… I'm not walking away this time."

Without a word Alexis turned away from him and closed the door behind her. Sonny sank into his chair and covered his face with his hands exhaling rapidly the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It was going to be rough, but what he saw when she closed the door gave him hope. It wasn't much, just a flicker, But, he saw it. There was now a definite crack in the armor that she surrounded herself with.

"Sonny?"

Sonny lifted his head to find Kevin standing beside him.

"Hey, Kev."

"I was just informed by the administrators that an enormous contribution was just made to this institution. As recent as this morning it seems. The only stipulation was that a certain suite be reserved until further notice; that one right behind you as a matter of fact. What are you up to, Sonny?"

"Just returning a favor. That's all."

"What kind of favor?"

"Doesn't matter. Alexis knows and that's what's important."

Kevin sat down on the floor beside Sonny and settled himself as comfortably as possible then looked up at the man beside him who hated telling secrets.

"Tell me."

Sonny looked down at Kevin and shook his head.

"Isn't it enough that you have most of my secrets already. Why don't you let me keep the rest?"

"I'll tell you why, Sonny. Everything that you are has become a very real part of that lady on the other side of that door… just as she is a very real part of you. You both have issues that still need to be dealt with whether you like it or not. So tell me. Why have you taken up residence across the hall from Alexis and more importantly why are you sitting out here alone in the hall in one of the most uncomfortable chairs we have around here."

Sonny stood up and walked a few steps away. He turned and looked back at the chair. A card table chair. Metal, cold, uninviting, but absolutely familiar and perfect. He smiled, remembering.

"I have this thing about confined spaces. Last time they locked me up, Alexis sat with me and kept me company until they released me."

Becoming totally exasperated with his lack of understanding, Kevin threw up his hands and stood up.

"I don't get it. I simply do not understand why you keep up with this."

Sonny frowned in confusion.

"Keep up with what? What are you talking about, Kevin?"

"This life you lead. Why do you keep on with it when you know what it can cost you… what it has already cost you… when it continues to take so much from you? Please… I beg you, _Mr. Corinthos_… explain it to me if you can."

"I chose this life because I never wanted anybody to be able to touch me."

Kevin snorted derisively at Sonny's response.

"Well you certainly did get what you wanted, didn't you? No one can touch you… at least not physically that is."

"What are you saying?"

"Just that no one touches you… physically."

Sonny glared at Kevin in an intolerant manner.

"You want to drop the word games and tell me what you're getting at?"

"I'm not playing any word games, Sonny; you know exactly what I'm saying."

Sonny walked into his suite and pulled another chair out into the hall.

"Sit down."

"Excuse me?"

Expelling an aggravated sigh, Sonny added the magic word.

"…Please."

"I take it you want to talk?"

"I want you to tell me what you're talking about."

Kevin sat down and motioned for Sonny to join him.

"I'm not sure you're ready for this, Sonny. But, since you don't seem willing to let it go; I'll go ahead with it. When was the last time you let someone get close enough to you where what they wanted or needed made any difference to you… caused you to change your mind about something?"

"Alexis. And I won't go into the details."

"I'm not asking you to. What I am asking is… was she the only one and what prevented you two from staying together?"

"I don't allow people to tell me what to do or not do with my business. It's none of their concern. You let people get too close and things get sloppy. It gets more dangerous. So, you draw the lines and you don't let anyone cross them."

Kevin shook his head with frustration.

"And you didn't answer either one of my questions. What's the problem, Sonny? Afraid of the answers… afraid of the truth?"

Sonny stood abruptly and walked down the hall a bit then came back again to stand beside the chair he just vacated. He stared at Kevin.

"I'm not afraid of anything…"

Before he could finish his sentence, Kevin interrupted him. 

"You sure about that? Aren't you afraid of Alexis… for Alexis… because of Alexis… because of what she means to you? But most of all because you've never in your life put anyone else's needs before your own and it scares the hell out of you that if you want Alexis you are going to have to make some changes in how you deal with thing… with people… with her."

The rage in Sonny was becoming uncontrollable. Rage that Kevin would speak to him in such a manner and rage toward himself, because there was truth in what he was hearing. With his most effective 'mob boss' face he warned Kevin.

"You're stepping over a line here, Kevin that you don't want to cross. I gave you a little freedom to say whatever you thought you needed to during all of this, but this time you went too far. You need to back off now."

Kevin stood up so that Sonny had less of an advantage over him and faced him without flinching.

"Why because you can't handle the truth? Because you know that what I'm saying is the truth and you know that the woman who sits on the other side of that door is going to need more from you than you have ever been willing to give another human being in your life. And it simply scars the hell out of you that you may not be able to give her what she needs."

"_That's enough, Kevin_."

Both men turned instantly at the sound of her voice echoing in the hall with strength and determination.

"You will not attack him in this manner outside my door."

When Alexis closed the door after her brief confrontation with Sonny, she heard Kevin arrive outside her door. Knowing she shouldn't have, she stayed close to the door to eavesdrop on their conversation. Standing there quietly, the more she overheard… the angrier she became. It was one thing for her to call Sonny's bluff… it was quite another for someone else to question his actions regarding her and his past relationships. Alexis turned her focus to Sonny when she finished speaking to Kevin.

"For some reason, maybe because he thinks he owes me something; but for some reason he thinks he has to sit outside my door until… well, whatever… that is his prerogative. It is a free world, but I will not be subjected to the sound of you attacking him without provocation. Am I making myself clear, Kevin?"

Kevin moved closer to her and stopped. What he saw in her eyes made him smile. There was the fire he remembered so well. Alexis was fighting again and he wanted to jump up and own with excitement.

"If that's the kind of response I'm going to get out of you when I try to sell a little truth to 'mob boy' here… then I'll do it every chance I get."

"And if you do, then you can just march yourself right back down that hall and get my discharge documents ready to be signed. I don't like being played, Kevin. I never liked it when Sonny played me, I don't like it when Johnny does it either. Unlike you though, they both have in some way earned the right to do so from time to time. But from you, I won't allow it."

Sonny stood by silently while Kevin and Alexis exchanged their threats. It gave him a chance to think about what Kevin was telling him before Alexis came out of her room. Stepping closer, he finally addressed them both.

"Kevin, lay off Alexis. She's got more than enough to deal with without you pushing her any further. And Alexis, thank you for coming to my defense, but what he said was right and I needed to hear it. I am going to have to face a few things…"

Before he could finish, the attention of all three was pulled to the nurse's station at the end of the hall. The commotion was so loud that it brought Johnny out into the hall to stand with them.

Three of the four instantly recognized the voice that was causing the pandemonium, but only two of them moaned in fury and annoyance. Alexis stood without making a move or a sound. She mentally began building up what reserves she had left and straightened up putting on the mask that was so familiar to her when she was forced to deal with Carly. 


	73. Chapter 73

You seem to be quite interested, Kelly.  So here's another one for you.  Hope you get a kick out of it.

  **_Chapter 73_**   
  
Watching Carly stomp down the hall toward them, Sonny and Johnny stepped protectively between Alexis and the advancing storm. Lifting his hand to stop his ex-wife, Sonny looked back briefly at Alexis to see how she was dealing with this unexpected turn of events. What he saw, concerned him so much that he quickly prompted Kevin to pay closer attention to her.  He didn't recognize the look in her eyes and it left him unsure. Turning back to Carly, who by this time was being restrained by Johnny, he halted her tirade with a voice filled with scorn and intolerance.   
  
"I told you what would happen if you came near Alexis again. You chose to ignore my warning."   
  
"Look Sonny, I don't know what you find so fascinating about that bitch, but it's time you let go of it."   
  
Sonny's vision tunneled. It didn't register that he was now looking at Carly through a red haze. All he wanted, all he was intent on was getting his hands on her. He started toward Carly as if in slow motion. Nothing mattered to him in that one moment but getting her away from Alexis and out of their life permanently. He heard nothing around him... saw nothing but Carly... he wouldn't be satisfied until she was dealt with. He was totally focused on simply getting rid of a problem in the fastest way possible. Suddenly feeling a gentle, warm, familiar hand fall to rest on his arm he fought the fire within and turned to find Alexis standing beside him. She wasn't looking at him... her eyes were on Carly. Sonny frowned with concern, but knew in that moment that Alexis was ready to stand up for herself. The softness of her hand on his arm did not match the steel in her eyes, nor the power emanating from her as she stood waiting for him to back away.  As she started to pass him on her way to Carly, Sonny reached to stop her.  As much as he figured Alexis wanted to settle the problem, he felt it was his responsibility to rid them of Carly since she was there because of him.   
  
"No, Alexis. Let me handle this. Please go back inside with Johnny."   
  
At his words, Alexis allowed her attention to shift to him. She saw his concern, his fear for her... she squeezed his arm lightly then let go.   
  
"Do you want her here, Sonny?"   
  
"No."   
  
Looking directly into his eyes she paused a moment before continuing. She was doing the best she could to prepare herself for an answer to a question that still held immense power over her.  She again asked the one question she knew could turn her world upside down again.   
  
"Are you still in love with your ex-wife?"   
  
Sonny smiled. This time he was ready... this time he could answer her with the truth and not be afraid of the answer. He reached up and let his finger trail softly down her cheek.   
  
"No, Alexis. I'm not."   
  
As his words washed over her, soothing her raw and battered heart, she drew her head back to remove herself from his touch. Now was not the time to let her guard down.   
  
"Then this is not your fight; it's mine."   
  
Alexis dragged her eyes away from Sonny. Turning back to Carly who was still being held at bay, she quietly spoke to Johnny.   
  
"Let her go, Johnny."   
  
Johnny shook his head no. He couldn't do as she asked. He couldn't let go. He had seen the kind of damage Carly could do to Alexis. He pleaded with Alexis.   
  
"Alexis, don't do this. Let me take her out of here. Let me or Sonny handle this, please."   
  
"Johnny, if I let you do this for me then I won't ever be able to face myself knowing I let her prevail… again. I have allowed too much where she is concerned. Now please, let her go."   
  
Finally understanding her need to stand on her own; Johnny nodded once then looked at Carly.   
  
"I won't hesitate to break you in half if you screw up."   
  
He let go and stepped back… a small step.   
  
As Johnny let go of Carly, she continued toward Alexis until they stood toe to toe with one another.   
  
"Get out of my way, Alexis? As high and mighty as you think you are, I'm not here to see you. I'm here for my husband."   
  
Alexis looked back at Sonny for the sole purpose of inciting Carly into becoming angrier and questioned their marital status.   
  
"Are you still married to her?"   
  
With an evil smirk, Sonny answered no.   
  
Looking back at Carly, Alexis smiled condescendingly.   
  
"It would seem you've come to the wrong place to find your husband. In fact, I would think this would be the last place you would ever want to find yourself given your own history here."   
  
"Get out of my way, Alexis. This does not concern you. I'm not surprised you finally took the easy way out and ended up here. You never were too bright when it came to knowing your place. You finally found the only way possible to take my husband away from me. He evidently now feels some sort of insane responsibility for you because you couldn't control your own sister."   
  
Sonny jumped forward so quickly; Alexis had to move fast to stop him from getting to Carly. Maintaining a firm grip on his arm she addressed him never taking her eyes off Carly.   
  
"Sonny, I told you I would handle this. If you cannot respect my wishes then pick up your '_chair_' and go home."   
  
Sonny stopped, knowing instantly what she was telling him. The reference to the chair was her way of telling him that his sitting outside her door didn't mean as much to her as being allowed to handle this situation with Carly. Alexis needed to stand up for herself; needed to take a final stand with Carly. With every ounce of determination he owned... Sonny relented. He couldn't resist however sending one of his 'dead man walking' looks at Carly. He felt somewhat placated as a look of fear passed across her face as she took a slight step backwards away from Alexis. He smiled inwardly as Alexis continued what she started with her.   
  
"I would not advise you to continue with how bright you think I am, Carly. Given your penchant for being unable to learn from your mistakes... entering into a conversation of any kind where you have to use your brain would not be the most intelligent use of your time. Now, as your name is not one that would ever find its way onto a visitor list where I am the patient, then it stands to reason that you are indeed trespassing. In other words, you are not welcome here, Carly. And if that is still not clear enough for you, let me put it on a 2nd grade reading level. We do not want you here."   
  
Alexis watched warily as Carly stepped closer knowing she hit the mark she intended. Carly's attention was solely on Alexis now.   
  
"You know what, you have spent the better part of two years trying to get your hands on my husband. But, he always seems to come back to me, doesn't he? And that just makes you look so desperate. What's wrong, Alexis?  Can't you find your own man? You best listen up real good this time if you know what's good for you... you are not going to take my husband away from me. If you even try, I'll make sure you regret it. He belongs to me."   
  
Sonny watched in awe as Alexis, cool as ever, looked over her shoulder at him and lifted her eyebrows as if to ask, 'Now do you understand?' And finally he did. He couldn't imagine feeling more insulted by being referred to in such a disrespectful manner. He didn't belong to anyone but himself. He now understood what Alexis and Joy both previously tried to explain to him about owning people. No one had the right to lay claim to anyone else no matter what the circumstance.  He was his own man and it was a privilege he fought for and enjoyed. He nodded once to let her know he understood as she turned her focus back to Carly.   
  
Taking a step closer, Alexis came within inches of Carly.   
  
"Are you threatening me again, Carly? Be careful... be very careful. I've let you treat me like your own personal doormat for the last time. Until now I have refused to allow you to bring me down to your level with all of your filthy remarks and degrading innuendoes. But it looks like I'm going to have to join you in the gutter just this once in order for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I would suggest you listen wisely if possible, because I'm only going to say this once. It stops here and it stops now. Don't ever find your way back to my doorstep!"   
  
Alexis continued to watch Carly very closely, knowing the woman hadn't yet reached the point where Alexis wanted her so she continued.   
  
"Do you know what I find so amazing about you, Carly? There was so much potential in you to achieve anything you could have ever wanted, but you made your life all about what you could manipulate or steal from someone else... never working to earn the rights you were entitled to as an individual... You never once gave any consideration to the idea that you just may have attained any goal you set your mind to if you had only treated people with the same respect that you demanded they show you. I'm through being nice, Carly. Pick up your toys and get out of my life. Consider yourself lucky that you're being allowed to walk away so easily."   
  
She knew it was coming and was prepared. Lifting her hand quickly she stopped Carly's hand mid-air as it came flying toward her. She raised her other hand to stop the advance of Sonny and Johnny. Twisting her hold on Carly's hand just a little she bent it back just enough to cause the pain to send Carly to her knees to keep from having her wrist broken. Alexis bent over just enough to look Carly directly in the eye.   
  
"Never again, Carly. You will never raise a hand to me or to anyone I love ever again. Do I make myself clear?"   
  
When Carly didn't answer, Alexis applied more pressure to her hold on Carly.   
  
"I would advise you to answer me. As much as I absolutely loathe violence of any kind... I will not hesitate to protect myself and my child from any threat I may see; whether it be real or imagined. I'm through hiding from my Cassadine heritage. If you so much as step within 50ft of me, my child or anyone else I hold close... I promise that you will regret it for the rest of your life. And lest you forget, I would remind you that you are in more danger right now from the father of my child than you could ever imagine."   
  
Alexis lowered her voice to a whisper.   
  
"If he knew half of what you've put me through, I know without a doubt that I would not be able to save you from him. Do I make myself clear, Carly?"   
  
Carly's eyes locked with Alexis' as her last threat sank in.   
  
"I get it."   
  
"Good."   
  
Alexis let go of Carly and stepped away from her. Turning to Kevin, whose jaw was hanging wide open, she motioned him toward Carly.   
  
"Would you please see that Carly finds her way out?"   
  
Then with a voice ragged and full of weariness Alexis addressed the remaining occupants in the hall.   
  
"I'll be in my room until dinnertime taking a nap. I do not wish to be disturbed."   
  
With that, Alexis turned and entered her suite closing the door quietly behind her.   
  
Sonny took hold of Johnny's arm and shoved him gently toward the door.   
  
"Get in there. Make sure she's ok. That must have taken a lot out of her. Go."   
  
Sonny stayed just long enough to see Johnny enter the suite then took off after Kevin and Carly. Reaching them just as they got to the nurse's station, Sonny stopped them. Taking hold of Carly's arm so tightly that he cut off her blood circulation he calmly addressed Kevin.   
  
"I'll see that she leaves, Kevin. You go on about your business. Sorry you had to see that."   
  
"Sonny, don't do anything you're going to regret."   
  
Sonny didn't answer, he simply proceeded to escort Carly outside. Once they were outside he turned her to face him.   
  
"I warned you, but you evidently didn't think I meant what I said."   
  
Carly cringed at the look in Sonny's eyes and finally realized what kind of position she put herself in by not believing Sonny's earlier threat.   
  
"But Sonny, you and I belong together. I love you. And... and... I want to see my son."   
   
"You don't have a son anymore. He stays with me and I will take every precaution available to protect him from you. Now, because Alexis has requested it I am allowing you to leave unharmed... I am giving you one last chance to disappear on your own. If you don't, then you leave me no choice but to handle the situation myself. You've done enough damage to me, my son, '_my_ daughter' and to the mother of my daughter. You Carly, more than anyone, should understand what lengths I will go to in order to protect my family. If I ever see you again, as sure as I'm standing here it will be the last time."   
  
As Carly opened her mouth to argue, Sonny took her by the arm and shoved her toward the parking lot.   
  
"Don't push me, Carly."   
  
Sonny watched with disgust as Carly finally walked away. Wiping his hands down the sides of his shirt, he suddenly felt dirty.  He jumped slightly as he felt someone walk up beside him. He didn't even have to turn around to know who it was.   
  
"Spying on me, Kev? Did you think I was going to prove how delinquent I could be by hitting a woman? Believe me, it took every bit of self restraint I had not to."   
  
"I'm actually quite impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. But, you came mighty close to hitting me a few minutes ago. If Alexis hadn't shown up, I believe you would have."   
  
"You're probably right. I can't figure her sometimes. She stands there and takes up for me, but looks right through me as if I'm a stranger to her."   
  
"Well, if it makes you feel any better... she doesn't like me much right now either. But, at least she's fighting again. Now come on you and I have something we need to finish."   
  
"Not yet, I want to go check on Alexis. Dealing with Carly must have been pretty tough on her."   
  
"It was, but I can guarantee you that right now is not the time for you to go barging into her room. Give her some time to settle herself around what she just did. Alexis fought for herself today in a way she never has before. Let her come to terms with it before you waltz in there and remind her of just how much more she has to deal with."   
  
Sonny looked around the grounds slowly as he let Kevin's words sink in. He was proud of Alexis for standing up for herself and he wanted her to know it, but Kevin was right. Alexis needed some time and rest he figured. Looking back at Kevin he grinned.   
  
"So, where would you like to continue your assault on me?"


	74. Chapter 74

_ ****_

Chapter 74 

Alexis entered her bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. Leaning against it for support her head dropped forward. It was too much. So much was hitting her... too fast and too hard. Standing up she walked to the bed and dropped down heavily catching her head in her hands. She was visibly shaking from the encounter with Kevin and then with Carly. It wasn't planned. Going outside to defend Sonny was a gut reaction. She had been doing it so long; it just came naturally. No matter how angry she got with him, how absolutely self-absorbed he was at times... whether she wanted to or not... she defended him. 

And then Carly appeared. The moment she heard that screeching voice, something in her snapped. This time she wasn't going to take it. Wasn't going to lie down in front of the 'Mack' truck that Carly over the years came to symbolize. Alexis wasn't about to be run over again. Not this time. A small smile touched her lips as she whispered conspiratorially. 

"I'd say we kicked a little butt of our own this time, wouldn't you Tasha? It felt good for a change." 

Alexis grew still. Reflecting over the past couple of days it took her breath away at what she had gained and lost in so short a time. She didn't know how she was going to deal with the loss of Kristina. How do you put away a memory... a dream that became a reality? How do you say goodbye to someone who loved so completely... who accepted without question? With Kristina, Alexis was able to open herself up to a world of possibilities that once would have paralyzed her with fear. There was so much that Kristina could have taught her and the lessons would have been welcomed... anticipated. Just to see her beautiful smile once more... Alexis' heart ached. 

"How will I ever survive her loss?" she whispered.

"By remembering her, Alexis. By giving a small part of every day to her memory." 

Alexis didn't realize she spoke aloud and to have someone's voice interrupt her thoughts threw her. Turning swiftly she saw Joy hesitating in the doorway carrying a tray laden with tea. She didn't have it in her to get upset at the intrusion. The depth of loneliness, hurt and grief she was feeling at that moment was so enormous that it left no room for anything else. 

"Joy, it just hurts so much. She was the best part of me. She was everything I wanted to be and couldn't." 

Alexis lost control of her emotions and quiet tears began to fall. 

Putting the tray down on the bedside table, Joy sat down next to Alexis and took her into her arms and rocked her gently joining her own tears with Alexis'. 

"I can't pretend to know your loss, but if I can be of any comfort at all, please let me. I used to dream what it would be like to have a sister... someone I could share my secrets with. Someone to love... someone I could count on regardless... a shopping companion... someone to complain about my life to. I've always wanted a sister. And seeing what your sister meant to you only reinforces that desire in me. Can I help, Alexis? Is there anything I can do to ease the pain for you?" 

Alexis put her arms around Joy and hugged her then let go. She stood and walked to the window. 

"Thank you for wanting to help. But, I don't think there's anything anyone can do at this point. There was just so much life in her... When people like Kristina leave this world... the world gets a little darker. A little less inviting. I will never forgive myself for kill... for putting her in that warehouse." 

Joy stood up slowly as what Alexis almost said sank into her consciousness. 

"For killing her? Is that what you were going to say?" 

Alexis didn't answer her. But Joy watched in awe as she was finally able to witness for herself how a person can completely shut themselves off from everyone and everything around them. Joy couldn't let go... for some reason she needed Alexis. Needed a friend like Alexis.... 

"Alexis, please... not with me. Please don't distance yourself from me. All I want is to help, even if it's just listening. We girls need to be able to stick together sometimes... be able to count on each other when everybody else tries to beat us down. Let me be your friend, Alexis. Please." 

Closing her eyes and allowing herself to remember, Alexis bowed her head as the beautiful face of Chloe appeared in her mind's eye. 

"I had a friend once. I miss her desperately. She didn't deserve what she got either." 

"Chloe, right?" 

Alexis looked up and smiled. 

"Yes. I see Johnny's been filling you in on a little Alexis history." 

"Please don't be mad at him. He told me about her the morning you remembered her. He was hurting so much because he couldn't help you." 

Alexis forced herself to relax by remembering that Joy's only motive was simply to help. She reached out and took Joy's hand briefly squeezing it before letting go. 

"It's not likely that I would get angry at Johnny for anything he did in the name of helping me. Don't worry, Joy. I trust him. And just for the record, I kind of have a soft spot for you too. You'll never know what having you around these past few days has meant to me. It has not escaped my notice that you have been more supportive and more caring in just the brief time we've known each other than all of my other so-called friends have been in all the years I've known them. The most positive thing that has come out of all of this is you and Johnny. Thank you, Joy." 

Joy was having a hard time trying to contain her own emotions. She wanted to be a friend to Alexis more than anything and it seemed that it just might be possible after all. 

"Don't mention it, Alexis. You know, Johnny and I are trying to begin our lives all over again. First with each other and then with the people we want to keep around us. We've both made a lot of mistakes in our choices. But, I think this time we hit the jackpot. With each other and with a certain lady lawyer we've both come to love and respect." 

Alexis smiled at Joy allowing her to see the truth of her words and the genuine affection she felt in her eyes. 

"I think maybe this time I may have hit the jackpot too." 

An insistent quiet voice began to nag at Alexis. 'It's time to trust again. You can trust Joy. Trust yourself and trust Joy.' Opening another door of her heart, Alexis honored her sister by accepting the offer of friendship that Joy stood ready to give. 

"Care to sit with me a while. It seems maybe I could use an ear after all." 

"I would love to. But, I have to tell you... I hope I never end up on your bad side. I couldn't help but overhear that little confrontation in the hall. Damn girl; you sure do know how to kick butt with class. Care to teach me?" 

Alexis laughed with relief as she sat down across from Joy. 

"Well, that was a little unusual for me. I'm not one for physical violence of any kind, but that... person has been a thorn in my side for far too long." 

"You mean that varmint, don't you?" 

The two women laughed together at Johnny's favorite term for Carly then grew quiet, content to just sit awhile companionably. Alexis noticed Joy begin to fidget a little and knew she had questions, but was trying to respect her silence by not asking. Alexis gave in. 

"Ok, ask me." 

Joy looked up in confusion at Alexis' words. 

"What?" 

"It's quite clear that you have something on your mind." 

Joy marveled at the absolute insight and intelligence that her companion possessed and grinned. 

"Ok, so I'm easy to read sometimes. But instead of asking a question, I think I would prefer to tell you something that happened while you were out earlier. It does concern Sonny, so tell me now if you don't want to hear it and I'll shut up." 

"With that kind of an introduction, it doesn't leave me much of a choice. Go on and tell me." 

Joy pulled a pillow from the head of the bed and folded it giving her something to prop herself on and reclined comfortably at the foot of the bed. 

"Well, he asked me a question. I could tell he was having a hard time spitting it out, but evidently he needed to know the answer pretty bad. He asked me what Johnny did for me that put a certain look in my eyes." 

"Are you serious? Sonny asked a question that was that personal of a virtual stranger?" 

Alexis stood slowly as the enormity of Sonny's question began to sink in. She paced up and down the length of the room a couple of times then returned to sit at the head of the bed. 

"What made him ask that kind of question?" 

"It was the weirdest thing really. It was right after they found out you had jumped ship and he went all dictator like and started talking about calling in 'the boys' to go find you and then Johnny stepped in and very carefully put him in his place. I love it when Johnny does that. Oh sorry, good for me... not so good for you maybe. But, anyway, Johnny told Sonny that he didn't think you would want anybody else knowing what was going on and it wasn't such a good idea to make that kind of a mistake right now. Besides, Johnny told Sonny he had a real good idea about where you went. So Sonny pipes up and says 'let's go'. Well Johnny wouldn't hear of it. He was not about to let Sonny disturb his grandmother's resting place. Don't you wish you had a grandmother like 'Nana Rose'? Anyway... " 

Joy stopped recounting her tale when she heard Alexis laugh. 

"What are you laughing at?" 

"You. Joy, when was the last time you had a friend to talk to?" 

Joy smiled self-consciously. 

"Sorry, I do tend to get carried away when I have an audience." 

"Don't you dare apologize! It sounds so good to these battle weary ears. But, I have to tell you... I'm a little impatient here and I'm sure you can probably guess why. So, for my sake, could you speed this up a bit." 

"Yeah. I can speed it up. He said, quote: When I looked into Alexis' eyes this morning I knew that she loved me, but there was something missing. It's not missing in your eyes when you look at Johnny. There's this thing there that looks like you've given the rest of your life to him and it satisfies you. You look satisfied with your life... your choices, unquote." 

Joy tried to hide the laugh that threatened to explode from her as she witnessed Alexis' reaction to Sonny's words. Her jaw dropped dramatically and her eyes widened enormously. 

"Are you sure that's what he said. Joy, Sonny doesn't say things like that to strangers. Why... what... did you say something to him?" 

"No, I didn't. He just watched me and Johnny say good bye to each other before Johnny went to find you and the look on his face was... well... like he knew he was missing something and he wanted it more than anything else in the world." 

Alexis grew quiet. What did he want? What could Sonny possibly want that could drive him to open himself up like that to a stranger? 

"How did you answer him, Joy if you don't mind my asking?" 

"I don't mind at all seeing as how that guy will do just about anything to give you what he thinks you want. Oh sorry, maybe that was a little too much. Just calling it like I see it. Anyway, what I told him was... that the relationship that Johnny and I share is a 100% committed effort on both sides. We both give 100% to each other. There are no lies, no secrets, absolute trust and nothing false. Johnny provides me with a home full of love and laughter and I make it my business to give him everything he could possibly want so he has no reason to look elsewhere for something he isn't getting. Jealousy has no place in our lives because we are so committed that all of our time is spent catering to each other's needs. That's what I told Sonny." 

"And he listened to you?" 

"Every word without interruption." 

Alexis' mind was chaotic with questions, thoughts, absolute astonishment, and yet still the anger remained. She shook her head a couple of times in vain to try and sort it all out. Hearing Joy speak up again, Alexis refocused on her friend. 

"Can I ask you something, Alexis?" 

"Of course." 

"You don't have to answer, but I was just curious about something." 

"You want to know why I'm so angry with Sonny?" 

"Well, not exactly. I mean I can somewhat understand what being around a guy like that could mean when it comes to being physically safe. But, I don't get why you're treating him so cold right now. I don't mean that in an accusatory way, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, given what he's tried to do for you since you've come back. Are you scared of him or something? Look, if I'm stepping over a line here, you just let me know and I'll back off instantly." 

"It's ok, Joy. You've earned the right to know a little about what's going on in my head. Actually it's pretty simple to explain. I'm not ready to deal with Sonny yet. But, if you give him an inch, he takes a mile. I have to keep some distance between us until I can sort all of this out." 

"Couldn't he possibly help you do that? You know, you two tackle it together?" 

"Sonny has a way of bulldozing his way through problems while I tend to work them out one step at a time. I don't want to be bulldozed right into a relationship that could eventually prove to be my undoing again." 

"Don't you love him, Alexis?" 

"Love is not enough sometimes, Joy." 

"I don't buy that, Alexis. Not when two people truly understand what love is..." 

"I don't think I understand what you're trying to tell me." 

"Yes, you do; because you already know what it means to love. You already know that love is more than a feeling. You've proved it time and again where Sonny is concerned. You just don't recognize it because it has never been returned in the same manner that you have given it. But, he's open to it now. He wants to know what is expected on his part. He wants to know because he wants to be what you need him to be... he wants to give back what you gave him. Don't you think he deserves the chance to know what it feels like to love unconditionally?" 

"Of course he does, but how can you expect me to put my daughters life in danger in the same way that I did my sister?" 

"Ok, wait a minute. That's a separate issue and one that can't be dealt with until after you settle your feelings where Sonny is concerned. Look, I already know the answer but I think you need to admit it to yourself again. Do you love Sonny, Alexis?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you want him to be a part of your life?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you think he deserves the chance to be a part of his daughter's life?" 

Alexis didn't answer. There was still so much fear involved with allowing Sonny access to little Kristina. 

Joy watched in fascination as Alexis processed her thoughts. 

"How do you do that? No, never mind... I'll leave that for another day. Do this; try to look at this without the fear. Take away the fact that Sonny lives a dangerous life and that he's a target more often than not... " 

"But don't you see, Joy. If I took all of that out of the picture then there wouldn't be a problem. He does live a dangerous life. The people he allows around him are at risk." 

"And so am I, every day of my life and up until a couple of weeks ago I didn't even know Sonny. I work with people who are insane, violent, and sick every day. But, it's who I am... what I chose to do with my life. I can't let what could happen or what might happen dictate how I live my life. What would happen if I brought home a terminal illness and Johnny contracted it? It's a long shot, but it could happen. But, I don't want to live my life depriving myself of something that means the world to me just because of the fear that something might happen. And don't you think that Sonny has already thought of all of this. Doesn't it make sense that he would take every precaution to protect you and his daughter? Don't take away the only chance you may ever have at being truly happy with a man that you adore. I can't imagine your sister would want you to do that." 

"No, she didn't care what I did as long as I was happy." 

"Don't you want to be happy, Alexis?" 

"I don't know that it's possible given the mess I've made of everything. I will always have the shadow of her death hanging over me." 

Joy sat up and shrugged her stiff shoulders knowing she was fixing to set herself up to possibly lose the first real friend she was ever blessed with. 

"Well, probably not. I mean, that is if you're going to stay so intent on carrying the responsibility of every one else's mistakes on your back. And just go ahead and get mad at me if you want to, but I think it's awful bold of you to think you can take on God's job and presume that you can do it better than He can." 

Alexis could not have been more shocked if Joy had actually slapped her. She was so stunned that any kind of anger at Joy could not find any room to ignite amongst the multitude of emotions that were churning inside of her. 

Alexis moved off the bed cautiously so as not to appear angry and turned around to face Joy, her shock at Joy's last words clearly evident on her face. 

"Joy, that's a pretty heavy accusation you've just thrown at me and I don't know what's behind it. I'm pretty sure you didn't intend it the way it sounded, but in all honestly I haven't known you long enough to actually know for sure. Just what do you mean by that?" 

"I'm sorry it came out as strong as it did, but I didn't know how else to get my point across. It is a pretty heavy thing I just said, I know. But Alexis, you simply don't have the right to take on the responsibility of other people's actions or choices. And if you don't have that right then you certainly don't have the right to take on the consequences of those actions. And on top of that, when you do take on the consequences of other people's mistakes you seem honor bound to become judge and jury to yourself. And that's simply not your job. That's God's job. He's the only one who can see the whole picture and if you get in the way then you're tampering with something you have no business tampering with. If you make a mistake, then deal with it. Your mistake is the only thing you have control over fixing or forgiving. If Kristina made mistakes then they were hers to answer for. If she, in some way, tried to take on something that wasn't any of her business... then I'm sorry, Alexis; but, she's the one that had to shoulder the responsibility of it. If you try to take that responsibility away from her... then you're taking on something that doesn't belong to you and making your life so much more difficult than it was ever intended to be. You're not leaving any room for human error much less the forgiveness that every single one of us has a God-given right to. Now, just how mad at me are you?" 

During Joy's diatribe, Alexis had moved to the window and stood staring out, unseeing. Her mind was racing. She heard it before. Kevin tried to explain to her exactly what Joy was saying. But, she just simply couldn't wrap her mind around it. One question kept coming up. 

"Joy, it was my fault that Kristina was in that warehouse; because I wasn't honest with her. She's gone because of me. How am I suppose to reconcile what your saying with all the facts I am faced with?" 

"Why don't you tell me what happened. Because from what I know of you since you've been here, you don't have a mean or vindictive bone in your body." 

"I didn't want Kristina to know I was pregnant. So I hid it from her. She was always so intent on fighting my battles for me. It was firmly planted in her mind that I never stood up for myself as much as I should have, so she made it her business to be my defender... my guardian angel of sorts. If she thought someone was abusing my rights or me personally she fought them like a tigress. I tried to get her to understand that I just couldn't do things the way she wanted me to. Anyway, she found out that Sonny was the father of my baby and she went to the warehouse to confront him. She was only trying to do what she thought was best for me and she died because of it. If I told her the truth from the start... who the father was and why I didn't want him to know he was the father... she would never have had a reason to go to that warehouse. So you see, it's not my imagination that she died because of my mistakes. She died because I wasn't willing to be as much of a sister to her as she was to me. In the end I failed her again, just like I did when I lost her as a baby." 

"Whoa, wait a minute. You just lost me. As a baby?" 

Alexis realized her anguish had led her once again to say too much. 

"I'm sorry, Joy. I just can't continue this right now. I need some time alone to think... put things into some sort of perspective. Do you mind... I think I would like to take a walk and let the cool air filter out some of the chaos that's playing havoc with my head." 

Joy stood up and walked closer to Alexis. Placing a hand on each of her shoulders, Joy looked her in the eyes and smiled. 

"It's ok with me. I understand you went a little further than you intended to, and you don't want to share a whole lot with me right now. Some things take a lot more time than others do and building a friendship is one of those things. But, I guess you already know that too. You go do what you need to and by the time you get back I'll have dinner on the table and we can all just sit and relax awhile. That ok with you?" 

Alexis hugged Joy tightly relieved that she was not going to be cajoled or manipulated into telling secrets that were best left buried in the past. 

"Thank you, Joy... for understanding. Do you think you can go one step further and help me get past my bodyguard so I can have a little time alone?" 

"Not a problem if you'll promise me you won't get into any trouble." 

Alexis laughed and her heart warmed as she heard Joy laugh with her. It was almost like Kristina was standing guard again. She couldn't help but tease Joy a little. 

"Not that there's really a whole lot I could get into around here, but I promise I won't get into any trouble." 

"I'm not worried, Miss Smarty... you have too many guards hanging around the palace to get into too much trouble. Seriously though, would you take my cell phone with you... just in case." 

"Yes, Joy. I'll take your cell phone." 

Opening the front door of her suite, Alexis prepared to do battle with Sonny if he didn't honor her wish for a little private time. It surprised her to find he wasn't there. Glancing at the chair that remained outside his door she found a note addressed to her. She recognized his handwriting and immediately opened it. 

__

Alexis, Michael called and asked if I would come home for a while. It seems there was some kind of altercation between Carly and Jason. I know you will understand that I have to go check on him. I promise I will be back in a couple of hours. Don't let anyone take my chair, beautiful. Sonny 

Alexis knew Sonny probably had a hard time leaving his self-imposed post, but she was glad she didn't have to deal with him just yet. She quietly whispered to the silence around her. 

"It's almost time, Sonny."


	75. Chapter 75

**__**

Chapter 75 

Alexis turned and headed outside to sit on her favorite bench. Just a little time and a little quiet was all she needed. Sitting down, Alexis leaned back and lifted her head slightly. Drawing in a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and felt some of the tension in her neck fade. Taking another deep breath she relaxed a little more. Feeling a little more at ease, Alexis began trying to put everything into some kind of order. Hearing someone approach she looked up to find Kevin headed her way. He was walking slowly with his head down and a frown on his face. As he drew near she called softly to him. 

"Kevin?" 

He didn't seem to hear her so she called a little louder and his head finally came up. 

"Oh, hi Alexis. Taking a break?" 

"Yeah. Looks like you could use one too. Care to join me and tell me what's got you so upset." 

"I'm not upset." 

"And I'm not really the loon in the looney bin. Come on... sit down and tell me what's going on. I could use something else to focus on for a while." 

"It's nothing, Alexis. I was just on my way home." 

"You have a fight with Lucy?" 

Kevin shot Alexis a look of surprise. 

"How'd you guess?" 

"It was the way you said the word 'home'. Like you would rather be anywhere but there." 

Kevin laughed and sat down beside Alexis. 

"And your ability to read people doesn't appear to have been compromised at all with your stay here." 

"Kevin, it's not that hard to see when a man is totally exasperated with the woman he loves. If you want, I would be more than happy to offer a couple of ears to you." 

"So you're tired of being the patient, huh? 

Alexis threw him an exasperated look. 

"You have no idea. Now give me something else to focus on for awhile." 

"Look it's not that big a deal. I just don't understand Lucy sometimes." 

"How do you mean?" 

"Women never say what they mean straight out. We're just supposed to know what they mean without any help at all. It's damned frustrating." 

"Unlike men who rarely say anything at all and get totally loud and obnoxious when you question them... right?" 

"I knew you'd take her side." 

"I'm not taking anyone's side. Women communicate one way and men communicate another. It's not intentional... it's just a fact of life. You want to know what's on Lucy's mind? Ask her! But be prepared for the consequences. You may get more than you bargained for. She is pretty outspoken. And you might want to make up your mind before asking that you're ready to be just as honest in your response." 

"I'm always honest with Lucy." 

"Yeah right. This is me you're talking to, remember?" 

"Well as honest as I'm comfortable with." 

"Exactly. So why do you think she skirts the issues or dances around them? If she knows or perhaps doesn't know how you really feel about something, how is she supposed to react to you honestly?" 

"Is that why you and Sonny have such a difficult time of communicating?" 

Kevin laughed when he looked over at Alexis. If he could see inside her head, he knew without a doubt what he would witness going on... a precise well orchestrated rush to close all the doors and shore up a mountain of reserves. 

Alexis froze when she heard Kevin laugh. 

"What are you laughing at?" 

"You. You are simply priceless. It was just a question, Alexis. It wasn't an attempt to start up a therapy session or anything. Relax. I was just trying to get a better understanding of what you were telling me. Not because I wanted to delve into your relationship with Sonny, but because I was delving into mine with Lucy. Now tell all of the guards around the palace to stand down. There is no reason for you to feel the need to protect yourself right now." 

Alexis laughed self-consciously and relaxed a little. Looking sideways at Kevin she asked him the one question that was weighing on her mind heavily. 

"When are you going to allow me to go home, Kevin?" 

Kevin shifted a little so he could look directly at her. It was a question he knew would be coming and one that he was prepared for. 

"The question is not when will I allow you to go home. The question is when will you be ready. I will release you when you can look at me without fear when I mention certain people. When you can accept that you are not 'Super Woman' and that you have just as many needs as the next person... when you can admit that there are not two separate people living inside that beautiful head of yours. There is only one and her name is Natasha Alexis Davidovich. Is that enough of an answer for you?" 

"What you're telling me is that I won't be going home anytime soon." 

"No, in fact I think you're a lot closer than you realize." 

"How so?" 

"Just how was it that you were able to handle Carly, so well? Up until now, it is my understanding that you would never have stood up for yourself in that manner. Am I right?" 

"It wasn't worth the effort to constantly have to fight with Carly. She never knew when to give up. And besides... she was Sonny's wife. Out of respect for him, it was best for me to just keep quiet." 

"Standing up for your rights as an individual should never be compromised simply because you don't want to hurt someone's feeling. And don't give me that garbage about respecting Sonny. You didn't say anything because as long as you remained quiet and took it all you could still view yourself as the better woman. And before you go jumping down my throat, I would suggest you think about that for a minute." 

Kevin knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but he couldn't stop now. Especially since he could tell Alexis was fixing to read him the riot act. Seeing her start to open her mouth to defend herself, Kevin raised his hand. 

"Hang with me here a minute, Alexis. It's important I finish this. The way you view yourself... what you do inside to keep yourself separate... that's all part of the reason you approach life the way you do. In order to survive your childhood you chose to lift yourself up by the bootstraps above the circumstances that were forced on you. If you stooped to Carly's level... or Helena's... to fight for yourself then you would be forced to deal with the fear that you could become like them. It's a very real fear that you created for yourself in your own mind. And that's something that you have run from all your life. And you know, just for the record, that was a pretty impressive piece of work you did on Carly this afternoon." 

Alexis looked at Kevin dumbfounded. 

"You mean you weren't repulsed by that display?" 

"Absolutely not. You were a little too busy to notice, but I was the one standing behind you cheering you on." 

Alexis bowed her head in embarrassment. For anyone to see that side of her, see her reach that level... 

"I just couldn't let her do it anymore. I've only known one other person who hated me that intensely. I try so hard not to let them see what kind of power they have over me. I can't let them see my fear of them." 

"But, don't you see, Alexis. Your fear is not of them. Your fear is what they can take from you. Your control, your ability to handle yourself with dignity... If I can get you to understand that they cannot take from you what you are unwilling to give then the battle with that particular fear is won. You've spent a lifetime defending the rights of others, but in the process you seem to have forgotten what your own rights are." 

"My rights?" 

"Yes, your rights as an individual. There are ten of them. 

_1. You have the right to be yourself. _

2. You have the right to refuse requests without feeling selfish 

3. You have the right to be proud of your accomplishments 

4. You have the right to get angry. 

5. You have the right to ask for help personally. 

6. You have the right to change your mind. 

7. You have the right to say 'I don't know, I don't understand or I don't care' 

8. You have the right to have your opinions respected. 

9. You have the right to tell someone else what your needs are. 

10. You have the right to change and grow in your values with age and experience. 

The only time these rights can come into question is when you begin to infringe on someone else's individual rights." 

Alexis reflected on what Kevin was saying. Somehow... it reached her. Like the proverbial light bulb... a light came on. 

"When you put it like that it becomes a matter of common sense, doesn't it?" 

"Exactly. But, when you're in the thick of it, battling day after day after day, it's a little hard to remember your rights. Especially when you've created a life long pattern of denying them or giving them away whichever the case may be. Why would you recognize what your rights are when you continually give them away to those who would use them against you?" 

Alexis sat unmoving, concentrating on what Kevin was saying. It made all the sense in the world. She championed her friends and clients to fight for their rights, while she sat on the sidelines giving hers away. She could see it as clear as day now that Kevin was able to blow away some of the fog for her. Kevin drew her focus once again as he spoke. 

"Can you see where a lot of the anger you're living with now comes from? There is a part of you that remembers your rights. The anger comes from that part of you that feels betrayed that you would willing give away the very thing that keeps you strong and able to fight the fights that need fighting. You gave away the very thing that allows you to stand on your own without fear of failure, without fear of isolation. You can continue to call that part of you 'Natasha' all you want to, but the fact of the matter is, you made the choice, Alexis... you gave up your rights... and you are now suffering the consequences of that choice. But, there is a way out of this rut you have allowed yourself to get into." 

For the first time that she could remember, Alexis wanted out. Out of the prison she had created for herself over the years. She wanted more... wanted what was hers... what she had a right to. It was time to learn and grow... to take back what was hers. Leaning forward she fixed Kevin with an intense gaze. In as much as she wanted to take back her life there was still the hesitancy... the reluctance to step outside of what was comfortable. But it was a step she knew she must take... for herself, for her child. 

"How?" 

"By making another choice. You have the power within yourself to take back what is rightfully yours. You only need to choose to. It is a moment by moment choice; give away your rights or keep them. Your choice."


	76. Chapter 76

**__**

Chapter 76 

"You make it sound easy." 

Alexis and Kevin were continuing their discussion on taking back the rights bestowed on her the day she was born. 

"Don't make the mistake of thinking that it will be easy, Alexis. It won't be. Especially for you because you have spent your entire life giving away that which keeps us centered, stable and able to stand up for ourselves. How you made it as far as you have, I'll never know. This is not going to be easy for you. It is going to be a daily battle. But, if you want it bad enough you can do it." 

"How do I start? I think I understand just how hard this is going to be for me, so tell me what I'm supposed to do to get this done. I need you to lay it out for me step by step." 

Kevin leaned back and studied Alexis for a moment. How do you tell an obsessive control oriented melancholic choleric that they have to let go of their constant need to command every nuance of every situation, of every emotion, every action? 

"By letting go of the death grip you have on yourself. If the emotion you feel is hurt, cry... if it is anger, let it out... if it is fear, share it with someone. You are going to have to realize that you are not an island. You need to have a healthy interaction with those you keep within your close circle. You have no trouble at all being there when they need you, but heaven forbid you should lean on them for what you need. You just have to let go, Alexis. Admit that you are human... you have feelings just like everyone else and you have needs just like everyone else. Being a stalwart robot doesn't help you and it certainly doesn't engender a lot of faith in those who want to call you their friend. And let's leave Sonny out of this for a minute. I'm talking about all of the others. They are expected to share with you, why can they not expect the same from you?" 

"I never wanted to be a burden to anyone." 

"Are they a burden to you? Are they any better than you are? They have problems; you have problems. How can you call them friend if you are not willing to put as much into the relationship as they do? I imagine what they get from you when they need something is you beckoning them close so you can be what they need, but when they see you hurting they get a firm but kind 'No thank you, I don't need you.' Is that fair to them?" 

"I've never said that to my friends, Kevin." 

"Yes Alexis, you have. Every time you spit out one of your famous 'I'm fine' quips you are effectively telling the recipient that you don't need them or anybody. You make yourself an island that no one can reach. Alexis, if they can't reach you, then you can't reach them either. Not really! Not when it really counts. Have you never wondered why Ned or Jax or any of the others are not able to treat you as you would like to be treated. How can they... they don't know you. You've never allowed them to get close enough to know what it is that you need... who you really are deep down inside that wonderful beautiful heart of yours." 

Alexis sat unmoving. There was a myriad of thoughts running through her mind. A lot of what Kevin was saying was getting through and she found herself beginning to realize and understand what her role had been in the dysfunction of her emotional state. But, there was no way for Kevin to know just how much her last foray into the world of give and take cost her. She couldn't do it... not again. 

"Kevin, I can't open myself up again in that manner. I can't take that chance. It took so much... what I was left with... the emptiness, the darkness, that feeling of once again not being good enough. And then Kristina... knowing that my choices left her vulnerable. It... I... I dug myself a hole to crawl into... I couldn't face myself... I couldn't face the memory of Kristina, or Nicholas or Stefan. I couldn't face Sonny. When the darkness became too much to bear I tried to come out of it, but I couldn't. I remember what happened. I was sitting on my sofa at home trying to get up... to stand up and get moving so the thoughts would go away, but I couldn't get my legs to move. I couldn't move at all and it was like a shadow that the sun creates as it drops beyond the horizon. I sat there and watched it; it just kept coming closer... I couldn't stop it... I couldn't get away from it... it just kept coming... I tried to call out... tried to yell something, anything to break that awful silence... to stop it... but no sound came... nothing... just silence... and then it was there... it was like falling. The last thing I remember thinking was that I was finally free of the image of my sister lying in that warehouse broken and bleeding... and the hurt and pain from losing Sonny was finally gone and... and... I just quit fighting it. I was there... then the next thing I knew I was waking up with Johnny sitting next to me. I couldn't handle the losses this time. It took everything I had left; so here I sit. I... I just can't do it again, Kevin." 

Kevin reached over and took both of her hands into his and felt the trembling of her whole body. Her fear was such that it emanated from her and he felt her hands grow cold. Tightening his hold he leaned closer. He needed to bring this unplanned session to a close so that Alexis could take some time to settle all the discord and emotional strain that was rising dramatically in her. As much as he knew he needed to give her a break, he also needed to take advantage of her willingness to sit with him a little longer. Kevin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He was about to push her a little harder and he needed to do it quickly and carefully. 

"Alexis, what I'm trying to tell you is that it never should have happened in the first place if someone had known you were in trouble. Look, you're wise enough to know the truth of what I just said so let's move on to what I believe may be the biggest source of agitation for you in all of this." 

Kevin paused a moment to make sure of his words before he spoke. 

"Since you haven't and maybe can't bring yourself to say it, I'm going to say it for you. Maybe if I say it, you can find a way to open up and deal with it. You gave yourself, heart and soul, to one man. Did he know it? No. But, the effect on you was just as powerful even though he was ignorant of your feelings. You saw potential in him... you grabbed hold of it and began delicately helping him to see it. You saw more in him than he could. As he grew, your feelings grew. But you made sure to hide yourself away... hide everything that you felt deep inside from him. You gave him everything he needed from you but only allowed him to see that which you were most comfortable with. In fact, I believe you became so comfortable with him that the only thing you didn't give him was just how deep your feelings actually went. With all that you gave him, there was no way he could not grow. He grew because someone gave him something that no one else in his life ever gave him before. Most men, no matter who they are, thrive under the watchful caring eye of someone who cares that deeply for them. Whether they realize it or not." 

"He was married, Kevin. His heart was tied to someone else." 

"Yes. But, it did not stop you from continuing to give him what he needed most from you. He needed a friend... you provided." 

"I needed a friend as well. We were friends, that's all." 

"No. You were his friend. He was much more than that to you. You needed something more from him, but refused to open yourself up to it. Let go, Alexis. Admit what you need from him, at least to yourself." 

Alexis drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly. 

"Kevin, you know I love him. He knows I love him. And he also knows what that love has cost me. Haven't I lost enough? How much more am I going to have to lose before it's enough? Experience has taught me that letting go is not all that it's cracked up to be. I tend to get massacred when I allow myself to let go. I can't go back and make the same mistakes again. I won't do that to my daughter. And to be perfectly honest; just how am I supposed to face myself, face the memory of Kristina... if I give in and accept what he is willing to give; accept that I want him in my life? How will I be able to look my daughter in the eyes knowing that there will always be a question mark hanging over her head every day of her life? I believe every day is a gift given to each of us. But, for my daughter the gift will only come when she is able to lay her head down each night safe in the knowledge that she survived another day. What kind of a life is that for a child... a life contingent on the hope that no one comes looking for Sonny or heaven forbid someone in my family decides to exact a little revenge?" 

"I think that all of that is just an excuse. I think you're just plain scared and you're running just as fast as you can to get away from what you really do want." 

"_YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M SCARED_. I think I have every reason to be." 

Kevin grew quieter with his next words. He wanted his words to land softly... not harsh, but like a well-worn blanket that aching arms wrap around when comfort is needed. 

"I think you're scared that you will fail the one thing that your heart covets most in this world. A relationship with the father of your child." 

Alexis couldn't stop the tears that slid down her face at Kevin's words. A relationship... with Sonny; a dream... a wish... a hope... a life finally filled with everything she had ever dreamed of... fantasized about... a full life... abundant. Sonny. The one man that had the innate ability to raise her to heights never before reached and in the next moment send her careening into depths so low that she could lose herself. Fear? Of Sonny? Absolutely! 

Kevin watched Alexis come to terms with what he said and very gently lay a hand on her shoulder to draw her attention back to him. 

"Have you ever considered that he is just as afraid as you are? You both fear a lot of the same things. But, strength is born of fear. Don't you think that a life together, fighting for each other, standing together against the troubles of the world... don't you think that it's worth a chance? Don't you think you owe it to yourself to let go of some of the fear and reach out to grab hold of someone who loves you just as much as you love him? Don't you think that working together, you can provide a safe haven for your child... for the family that you two created together if you'll just trust each other? Alexis, you will never have what you want unless you want it enough to step out on faith and allow yourself to be loved and accepted for the truly magnificent woman that you are. Let him love you the way you deserve to be loved." 

"I don't know if I can." 

He knew he was fixing to cross another line. But, the woman was more stubborn than anyone he had come across in a long time and that included his wife. 

"You know what you're really saying, don't you? You're very plainly saying you don't trust Sonny... you have no faith in him. He's not worth the time and effort to build a life with. And if you don't trust him then the best thing you can do is to go ahead and walk away." 

Kevin waited knowing what was about to happen. He tried to hold back the smile that threatened. He very definitely held her attention. She came at him instantly to defend the man she invested so much of her heart in. 

"You don't know a damn thing about Sonny... you simply have no idea what kind of a man he really is. He put his own life on the line to save mine. He would do anything to protect me and our child." 

"Do you really believe that, Alexis?" 

Alexis stood up and walked several steps away. Looking back at Kevin she saw the grin he was desperately trying to hide on his face. 

"You're playing me again. Why?" 

"Because, Alexis. We both know how this is going to end. All the talk in the world is not going to change it. This is all about choices. You love the guy. It's a fact. The only thing left is the choice to accept it or reject it. Accept him or reject him. But, let me remind you, there are consequences for the choices we make. Are you ready to accept the consequences if you choose to walk away from the man you love and the man whose child you carry?" 

"But what about my sister? Am I just supposed to ignore what happened?" 

Kevin stood up getting exasperated with her. 

"It's called choice, Alexis. It's also called forgiveness. Do you know what actually happened yet? How can you proceed with what you need to if you haven't even asked what the circumstances were that initiated her death? Don't you think you need all of the facts before you go any further?" 

Alexis retreated. It was common anytime someone became irritated or yelled at her. Anyone... except Sonny. 

Kevin threw up his hands in frustration... 

"There you go again. Ok, if that's the way you want to spend the rest of your life then I won't try to stop you. But just remember this, every time you back off when someone gets the least bit loud or confrontational with you, you are the one who is going to pay for it eventually; and in turn so will little Kristina. She will learn from you. Do you want her to grow up afraid to speak her mind, afraid to take a step outside her own personal cocoon?" 

Alexis advanced toward Kevin. A look of steel returning to her eyes. The fear that her daughter would turn out like her was a very real one and one she had already voiced to Johnny. But, to hear it come from Kevin. She returned Kevin's anger. 

"You want confrontation, Mr. Psycho-Babble. I'll give you confrontation. Leave my child out of this." 

Kevin took a step forward and softened his voice again. 

"Don't you see I can't, Alexis. You not only have to re-learn what your rights are for your own well being, you have to re-learn them in order to teach them to your daughter. If she continually sees you retreating from situations that cause anxiety then she will learn to do the same. You learned to hide yourself away from people and situations that caused you intense anger or fear. You stand face to face with them while they rail at you, but you're not there. You take yourself to a place of safety until they back off and then you simply walk away feeling safe and satisfied that you were once again able to keep yourself under absolute control. Break the chain, Alexis. Don't let them win over you and don't let them win over little Kristina. Fight for yourself, fight for the woman you were intended to become... and fight for the mother that little Kristina needs you to be so she can grow up strong and healthy both physically and mentally." 

"Uhm... excuse me." 

Alexis and Kevin turned around at the same time. They were so engrossed in their conversation they didn't noticed anyone walking toward them. Alexis felt her heart skip a beat when she turned and found herself face to face with Sonny.


	77. Chapter 77

**__**

Chapter 77 

Sonny immediately noticed the tear stains on her cheeks and that she appeared highly disturbed. 

"Alexis, are you okay? Is he giving you a hard time? Something I can do to help... " 

The look on his face, his complete concern for her and the stance of his body... unquestionable proof that he would do anything she asked of him in that moment. She couldn't help it... it bubbled up and out before she could stop it. Alexis laughed amazed at the irony of the whole situation. "No Sonny, there's absolutely nothing you can do." Without further comment, she turned to walk away lifting her hand to stop them as they started to follow. There remained no doubt that she wished to be left alone. 

Sonny glanced at Kevin. Before waiting to hear what he and Alexis had been talking about, he attacked. 

"What did you do? What did you say to her? So help me, if you've hurt her in any way you will live to regret it!" 

Kevin took a step backward. Not out of any threat he felt at Sonny's words, only to put a little space between himself and a man quickly headed toward losing his infamous temper. 

"Ok, down boy. Back off a little. I didn't hurt her. She is just facing a lot of truths right now that she's never faced before and a lot of it has to do with you. So if you wouldn't mind settling down a little maybe we can discuss this like a couple of rational sane men. Or would you prefer to go ahead and let go of that head of steam you've built up, I might add without provocation. Go ahead if you think it will make a difference. But I have to warn you. I'm not in the mood to baby-sit your temper right now and frankly, I've grown quite tired of it. And just so you know, I don't have time to sit here and coddle you. I have a few problems of my own to deal with, which is where I was headed before Alexis stopped me just a while ago. So if you don't mind, could you please excuse me while I continue... " 

"Ok, Ok, Ok. Damn Kevin. You sound like Alexis when she gets on a roll. Take a breath, man. I'm sorry. I saw she was crying and I kind of lost it." 

Sonny waited a moment then glanced up furtively at Kevin. 

"... so you guys were talking about me?" 

Kevin shook his head back and forth sighing in unbelief. The man was absolutely hell to deal with, never mind trying to get past his obsession with himself. Kevin's daily portion of patience was gone. 

"Sonny, just... go. Go somewhere. Take a plane, hire a car, take a boat for all I care. Just go somewhere and leave me in peace. Is that ok... I mean can I ask that much just this once... just for tonight? Maybe tomorrow I'll be more willing to attend to your inability to center on anything besides yourself." 

With that Kevin walked off leaving Sonny dumbfounded. 

************* 

Arriving back at her suite, Alexis went in search of Joy. All she wanted in that moment was a little time. She needed time to regroup, time to assess everything she heard that day. Finding Joy in the kitchen finishing dinner preparations she wondered where Johnny was, but that question would be best left unasked. She didn't need anyone else coming at her with their best intentions to help in some way. There was enough for her to think about right now. 

"Joy, I need a favor. It seems I'm going to need a little help in achieving something I really need to do right now." 

"Name it, Alexis. I'll do what I can to help." 

"Thank you. What I need is a couple of uninterrupted hours. Joy, I need to be able to sit quietly and think. You and Kevin along with Johnny have given me quite a lot to think about over the past couple of days and I just need to sit a while and try to put it all together." 

Joy looked up at Alexis with a small smile on her face. 

"Sounds perfectly normal to me. Why don't you go into your room and close the door. Dinner is almost ready and when it is I'll bring you a plate. And don't worry, if anybody tries to disturb you I'll take matters into my own hands. I had my very first lesson today in that particular art form. Now go. I'll take care of things out here." 

Alexis laughed and hugged Joy fiercely. 

"You're absolutely the best, Joy. Thank you." 

"No problem. Now go before someone comes in and accosts you again with well meaning drivel." 

Alexis laughed again as she headed toward her room. Closing her door behind her she moved toward the chair in front of the window. Looking out at the grounds she began trying to settle the chaos that was running rampant within her. Sitting down she lay her hand upon her child caressed her lovingly. She whispered softly, "My little girl, it's time to get down to business. I have to do this for you as well as for myself. We can do this. It's just a matter of laying it out and looking at it piece by piece. Let's start with your Aunt Kristina... ' as a wave of grief passed over her she shook her head and sat down. 'No, not yet. We can't go there yet, my little one. We'll have to save her for last. I need to be in a better frame of mind before I can tackle that one. Let's start from the beginning.' 

Alexis looked over at her bedside table where the book Kevin loaned her lay untouched for the past few days. Getting up she retrieved it along with a pen and legal pad then returned to settle down for some much-needed soul searching. 

'I guess the best place to start is to look at and accept exactly who I am. So, Alexis your dominant temperament is Choleric. Ok girl, what all does that entail... write it down.' 

Opening the book to the correct chapter, Alexis began jotting down the different aspects of the character of a Choleric temperament and was again struck by the fact that there were names that could be attached to the different types of people. There were reasons behind the why's and wherefore's of human actions. She read aloud as she began jotting down each characteristic. 

__

'All of life is utilitarian to her. "I guess an example of that would be when I told Sonny I wasn't attractive, I was an attorney, usefulness before beauty." _Her brain is filled with ideas, projects or objectives and she usually sees them through_. "Ok, that fits." _She is self-sufficient_. "You betcha." _She has a tendency to be harsh or cruel._ "Well, who wouldn't be with some of the people I've had to deal with_?" No one can be as cutting and sarcastic as a Choleric_. "They call it a defense mechanism in my world." _They make good supervisors, generals, builders, crusaders, politicians, or organizers._ "Well somebody has to step up to the plate in order to get things done." _They have a strong willpower_. "That's an understatement." _Their success can be attributed to determination rather than native ability_. "I don't know so much about that one. I am very determined, but I do have exceptional legal skills. I guess the question would be, did I learn them through determination or was the natural ability already there. Interesting thought. We'll save that one for later." _Everything she does has purpose and meaning._ "Well of course, why waste your time if it doesn't?"' 

Alexis flipped the page on her legal pad and started again. 

'Ok. Let's look into the other temperament. Melancholy. Geez, that word sounds so dark.' 

Alexis jumped slightly as she heard a knock on her door. She looked around and saw Joy stick her head in. She was carrying a tray, 

"Hey, how's it going? You doing okay in here?" 

"I'm doing just fine, Joy. Mmmm... that smells good." 

"Just my own personal brand of Chinese fare. Hope you like it. I'll get out of here now and let you get back to it." 

Alexis hesitated a moment before calling Joy back. She was curious. 

"Joy, is everything ok out there? Everybody where they're supposed to be?" 

Joy smiled widely knowing exactly what Alexis was asking. 

"Well, not exactly. He looked so lonesome sitting out there in that hard chair. So, I asked him to join Johnny and I for dinner. They both are under strict orders not to come anywhere near this door and being the great guys that they are... you'll have all the peace and quiet you need until you're ready to come out. I promise." 

"Thanks, Joy." 

"Just looking out for my buddy. See you later." 

"Bye." 

Alexis lay the pad and pen aside for a few minutes while she ate. The longer she sat with her plate in her hand the more the felt the need to get back to her analysis. Sighing in exasperation she mumbled. 'I wonder where my lack of patience comes from.' Resigning herself to the fact that it was useless to fight the pull of the legal pad she lay her plate aside only half eaten and reached for the pad and the book once again. 

'"Now, Melancholy." _A person with the melancholy temperament is usually blessed with a gifted mind and a tremendous capacity to experience the complete spectrum of emotions._ "Well, like I've always said, anything worth doing is worth doing well." _Her greatest danger is in giving in to negative thinking patterns_. "Well, what do you expect given the road I've traveled?" _She is a natural perfectionist, very sensitive, and appreciative of the fine arts, analytical, and a faithful friend._ "Hmmm... analytical, perfectionist, sensitive. Not so great, right? Analytical... what's wrong with that? I call that being prepared. Wait a minute, what was that Kevin was saying about taking the big picture apart and analyzing it bit by bit. Damn Alexis, look at what you're doing. Your analyzing being analytical. Get over it. It is what it is_." She is not out-going as a rule and rarely pushes herself forward._ "That holds true unless I'm defending someone else's rights. No, let's not go there yet either." _Melancholy people excel under pressure because external motivation spurs their latent talents_. "I guess that's one that Sonny ought to be grateful for." _Once the pressure is off, however, they tend to recede into apathy_. "I don't think that's true at all. But, then again with Sonny when was the pressure off long enough for me to know whether that was true or not. Ok Alexis, enough with the sarcasm. We've already established you have the characteristics of a Choleric temperament. We're working on Melancholy now. Focus." _One of the hallmarks of a melancholy temperament is a desire to be self-sacrificing_. "I don't know if I like the sound of that." _It is almost impossible for a melancholy to graciously receive commendation or congratulations_. "I'm liking this less and less." _Strong melancholy individuals find it difficult to enjoy ease without a guilty conscience. They are often prone to dedicate themselves to some sacrificial cause. This usually is on a personal basis with a high personal cost. Sometimes they cramp and misdirect their lives in a self-sacrificing endeavor that actually is self-serving--a means of heightening pride through self-abasement_.' 

Slamming the book closed, Alexis sighed in aggravation. 

'Let's just say there is enough melancholy in me to temper the choleric side and leave it at that. Alexis, sometimes your need to analyze things to death is just downright frustrating and in this case highly irritating. You are who you are, accept it and move on.' 

Alexis sat there for a moment as her last thought caught on. 'I am who I am right now. It doesn't mean I can't change. It doesn't mean I can't grow. Whoa... wait a minute. What was that last right Kevin was telling me? Think Alexis. What did he say? You have the right to... to... to change and grow in your values with age and experience. Yeah that's it. So wouldn't that also apply to my character as well? Why not?' 

Sitting back with a smile on her face she remembered one of her other rights and whispered it to herself with satisfaction. 

"I have the right to be proud of my accomplishments... even if it is on a personal level. What do you think of your mother now, little girl? Pretty good start I'd say, wouldn't you?"


	78. Chapter 78

**__**

Chapter 78 

"Johnny do you think she's okay in there? She's been in there a long time." 

Sonny was getting worried. They had already finished dinner and were engaging in a few hands of poker. 

"She's fine, Sonny. And I wouldn't advise going anywhere near that door unless you want Joy coming down on you." 

"I just haven't heard any sounds at all coming from her room. Maybe we could just check on her. Make sure she's ok." 

Both men looked up as Joy entered the living room. They left her to clean the kitchen while they sought another way to pass the time. It didn't have to be said that both men were anxious and worried about the woman who remained behind a closed door trying to 'settle the chaos' as Joy explained to them earlier. 

Johnny took hold of Joy's hand as she sat down beside him. He could tell she was tired. 

"Hey, why don't you go lay down for a while. Sonny and I'll keep watch." 

Joy shook her head back and forth with determination. 

"No, I told her I would take care of things on this side of the door and that means making sure neither one of you disturb her." 

Sonny spoke up. He was worried and it showed in his voice. 

"Joy, something may be wrong. We haven't heard anything... not a sound out of her. What if she... " 

Joy looked at Sonny with compassion and spoke very gently. 

"She's fine, Sonny. You need to trust her. Trust her to know that there are things she needs to deal with before she can talk to you. I know what she's doing in there and it's a good thing. So leave her in peace. Please. I'll give her another hour. If she's still incommunicado, I'll check on her. But, I need you to know that you are probably not going to be seeing Alexis tonight. She has been handed a lot to think about over the past several days. So please, just let her do what she needs to without interruption. She'll let us know when she's ready for us." 

As Joy was trying to calm the boys down, Alexis was headed toward dealing with another difficult issue. 

"One issue down... let's go for the next. It seems, according to Kevin and Joy, I have a problem taking on responsibilities that are not mine. No sense in trying to deny it... it's the truth. So Alexis, let's look at it a minute. Where does it come from? Why do you do it?" 

Alexis sat there calmly and quietly studying until she finally nodded her head. 

"There it is. It's the 'gatekeeper' in me. I just take it a step further than I'm supposed to. All I'm required to do is point out options, different paths to travel, why something is wrong or not, offer my help or not. If they get into trouble because they didn't listen... then the mistakes are theirs to correct. I can sympathize with them and then try to point out where they may have gone wrong, but it is not my responsibility to take on the consequences of their actions. You know Alexis; it's only common sense. No wonder you keep yourself so tied up all the time. Question is, do I have enough determination to stop a life long habit. Then again, doesn't it come down to whether I love them or not. Do I care enough to stand back and let them learn the lessons they need to learn without interfering? Example... can you come up with an example, Alexis." 

Alexis stood up and started pacing back and forth the length of the room. After the fourth turn she stopped in the middle of the room and frowned. 'Right. Not one of my finer moments I must admit. Carly locks Skye in the boathouse, I end up lying because Sonny wants the whole thing to disappear. So once again Carly is off the hook for one of her hair-brained schemes, Sonny gets what he wants and I end up having to deal with the consequences of not only Carly's actions but my own as well. Did anyone care what I gave up in that situation? Right! You already know the answer to that, ALexis. So who learned the lesson in this little scenario. Let's not even consider the lesson Carly needed to learn. It's a moot point and not worth the time it would take in consideration. But, Sonny is another story because I do love him and he needs to know that people... that I get hurt when he disregards what's important to me just so he can get what he wants." Reaching down to pat her stomach, Alexis included little Kristina in her self-evaluation. "I guess its not that hard to understand is it, my little one. Everyone has the right to learn and grow without someone else interfering in the process. Do I love him enough to say no to him when necessary so he will have the chance to grow? When put like that, the answer seems pretty clear. He is able to grow and I learn that I don't have to give up who I am... I have the right to be who I am without compromising myself." 

Alexis grinned widely and felt a flood of satisfaction flow through her. Hearing a soft knock on her door, Alexis knew who it probably was and allowed the intrusion. 

"That you, Joy?" 

Joy stepped into the room carrying a tray. As she entered she turned to close the door behind her to keep the boys out of eyesight. 

"Yeah, it's me. I thought you might like a cup of tea." 

Alexis hid the smile that threatened. She wasn't fooled for a minute. 

"Whose idea was that? Sonny's?" 

Joy laughed and nodded. 

"Yeah, he's been pretty worried about you. The only way I could calm him down was to promise to check on you and bring you a cup of tea." 

"Tell him I'm fine, Joy. And that's not the normal answer of 'fine' that I use when I want to be left alone. I'm really fine. Things are progressing quite well I think. The hardest thing to deal with is yet to come, but it's ok. I may take into consideration something Kevin said earlier and if I get into trouble... I'll call you. That ok with you?" 

"What did he say?" 

"Just that I have the right to ask for help if I need it." 

"Smart guy. But, me? Why not Johnny? He's the one that's been by your side all along. Are you sure you wouldn't want Johnny?" 

Taking the tray from Joy, Alexis set it down on the foot of the bed then turned back to Joy. 

"I need to start putting some distance between Johnny and myself. Don't get me wrong, Joy. You know I love him as if he were my own brother. But, there comes a time when the patient has to start cutting some of the apron strings and stepping out on her own. Besides how are you and I ever going to build a friendship if I keep calling on your husband when I need a shoulder to cry on." 

Joy grew still. There were no words that she could offer that would be able to express what she felt in that moment. Alexis was offering her the one thing that she desired her whole life. A friend, a real friend! Not like the silly schoolgirls she hung around in grade school whose only goal in life was to see just how shallow they could be. If she couldn't have a sister, the next best thing would be a friend. Joy smiled as she recalled a movie she saw once. It was one of those PBS specials titled 'Anne of Green Gables'. All the little girl wanted was to be loved and to have a special friend. A friend she referred to as a 'bosom buddy' or a 'kindred spirit'. Now Joy had everything she ever wanted. She held close to her heart the love of a very special man and now an opportunity to build a special friendship with this unique and wonderful woman was being laid at her feet. Reaching toward Alexis, she put her arms around her and choked out a small whisper. 

"Thank you, Alexis. Thank you for helping to make my life all that I dreamed it would be someday. You call anytime; I'll be here." 

Joy turned hurriedly to go so that her tears would not burden Alexis. She closed the bedroom door quietly behind her and turned to face the man of her dreams with eyes full of love and warmth and full of the knowledge that she was indeed blessed. 

Smiling as the door closed behind Joy, Alexis returned to her chair and sat down. Joy was a special gift. One of the rare unexpected gifts that leave you wondering how you could have been so lucky. Thinking of Joy, another face appeared before her in her mind's eye; another gift that was given so many years ago. A gift she treated too casually. Leaving the legal pad and pen on the floor beside her, she prepared to deal with the burden that weighed heaviest on her. 

"Kristina. Where do I start?" 

Alexis felt the guilt begin to weigh her down again. She couldn't get past the guilt nor could she see past the agony of the loss. There were questions she needed to ask of herself. Answers she needed to find. But, she couldn't rise above the weight of her own emotions enough to focus on them. Lowering her head to drop against her chest she sighed heavily. Then she remembered. _You have the right to ask for help_. Standing abruptly, Alexis went to the door and opened it wide. 

All three occupants stood immediately at the sight of Alexis standing in her doorway. Johnny stepped forward first. 

"Alexis, you ok? You need something?" 

Alexis' eyes were drawn to another pair of dark eyes; eyes that held her transfixed. His one word of greeting shook her to her core. 

"Hey." 

Without taking her eyes from Sonny, Alexis asked for Joy. 

"Uhm... Joy, could you help me with something, please?" 

Joy shot forward. Before she cleared the boys she caught hold of Sonny's arm and squeezed it. 

Sonny took a step backward somehow knowing he still needed to keep his distance for a while longer. But, it wouldn't be much longer. Her eyes... eyes that softened the moment her gaze fell on him... her beautiful eyes once again gave her away. 

Alexis stepped back into her room and as Joy followed her, she closed the door behind them. She walked to the foot of the bed and sat down heavily. 

"Joy, what I feel for him scares the life out of me sometimes." 

"Yeah, I know. It's that way when your heart is no longer your own. What did you need, Alexis? What can I help you with?" 

Alexis reached up and took Joy's hand and pulled her down beside her. 

"It's time for me to deal with Kristina and it seems that I'm going to need a little help to do that. When I think about her I get lost in the grief and guilt so much that I'm unable to think rationally. That's what I need you for. I need you to help me begin to dispute the irrational thoughts that are weighing me down so that I can get to the truth." 

Joy knew exactly what Alexis was asking of her. Squeezing the hand that held hers tightly, she let go and sat back a little to get a bit more comfortable. 

"Ok. When you think of Kristina, naturally the effects of her loss come first. What comes next?" 

"The guilt." 

"Right. So that's where we start; with the guilt. In order for you to feel guilt then you would first have to feel some kind of responsibility for her loss. What do you think you did to initiate her loss?" 

"I didn't trust her. I lied to her. I wasn't... " 

"Hang on a minute, Alexis; one thing at a time. You didn't trust her. Why?" 

Alexis drew in a deep breath and held it. She was fighting a war. Her love for Kristina was so much more now and it warred with her need to look at her sister's faults. Alexis did not want to face anything that was negative where Kristina was concerned, but there was no choice. She needed to get to the truth... she had to get past the things that kept dragging her down. And the truth was, although Kristina meant the world to her, she still had faults. She didn't respect the privacy of her older sister. Alexis exhaled and quietly spoke the words that would begin the process of removing the guilt. 

"Kristina acted without thinking, without considering what her actions may cost someone else, namely me. In the name of loving me, she was always trying to 'fix' my life. I couldn't trust her to leave well enough alone." 

"So you feel guilt because you couldn't trust your one and only sister?" 

Joy's heart broke at the agony she saw on Alexis' face, but she couldn't stop. Alexis was depending on her to help her get through this. Breathing deeply, Joy continued. 

"And you're supposed to be able to trust your sister, right? So the question becomes for you, what's wrong with me that I can't trust my own sister or that I can't get her to realize that she's intruding on my life? What is the irrational thought, Alexis?" 

Closing her eyes, Alexis began moving the jumbled thoughts out of the way so she could center on her lack of trust for Kristina. And as she did, she felt her anger rise. Opening her eyes she looked up at Joy. 

"I couldn't trust her because she wouldn't listen to me. She thought she knew what was best for me... but she didn't. And she wouldn't listen. I tried so hard to get her to understand that I wasn't like her. I needed to be left alone so I could figure things out for myself. I wasn't as open as she was and she couldn't accept that it was by choice. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing. So not only am I left with her loss and the guilt of it, but I also have to live with being angry at her as well because she took off to try and fix something that was none of her business." 

Joy spoke quietly, deliberately so Alexis would listen more closely. 

"So would the guilt be born of your lack of trust in her or would it be born of the fact that you are angry with her and she is no longer here for you to tell her how angry you are with her?" 

Alexis looked up with eyes filled with self-doubt, frustration and sadness. 

"I can't be angry with her, Joy. She's gone. I'll never see her again." 

"Does being angry with her lessen the love you feel for her?" 

"No, it doesn't." 

"You're angry at her actions, but you still love her. Sounds like a perfectly normal response to me. All you need to do here is let go of it. You have to forgive her for the liberties she took without your permission and then let go of the anger. Back to the original question; what did you do to initiate her loss?" 

Alexis sat there for a moment thinking, then began to dictate her thoughts. 

"I didn't tell her my secret, because I wanted it to remain a secret. That was my choice. I had a perfect right to that choice. Things escalated out of my control when someone else stepped in and decided to handle my life for me. Ned steps up and claims my child as his own without my initial consent to protect me from Sonny. Which devastated Kristina. She found out by accident and as usual decided she knew what was best for me and went to the warehouse to tell Sonny that I was carrying his child. No one trusted me enough to handle my own life. They took away my options by deciding for me how the situation should be handled. I didn't put Kristina in that warehouse. She put herself there because she felt she could run my life better than I could. I didn't give my rights away that time... they were taken from me." 

By the time Alexis finished she was crying... for a sister who loved so completely and so blindly. 

Joy let Alexis have her time to grieve again. This time it would be without the guilt that always accompanied her grief. Her attention was drawn again as Alexis' head came up swiftly. 

"Chloe's death wasn't my fault. I didn't send her to Wyndemere! I didn't tell her to get involved with Stefan. She made her own choices. I loved her, but she followed her own course. That was her right just as it is mine." 

Joy spoke quietly once more. 

"Who else do you need to let go of, Alexis?" 

Alexis closed her eyes as fresh tears ran down her face. 

"My mother made her own choices as well.


	79. Chapter 79

**__**

Chapter 79 

How do you feel? 

"Surprisingly relieved. A bit like a heavy weight has been lifted. I can't remember the last time I felt this unencumbered." 

"I'm not surprised. That was some pretty heavy stuff we just went through and I can imagine you are probably exhausted by now." 

Alexis was reclining against the headboard of her bed while Joy sat comfortably at the foot of the bed. It was amazing to Joy that after what Alexis just put herself through; she wasn't half asleep from the stress of it all. 

"I am a little tired, but I think I need to reassure Sonny that I'm alright and see if it's ok if we sit down and talk tomorrow. What do you think?" 

"Well if you're clear on what all you've done tonight and you feel sure enough of yourself, then I don't see why not. Personally I think it's time you two put the past behind you and started fresh." 

"You don't pull any punches do you? By the way, what time is it? Seems like it ought to be midnight or something." 

"No it's only about 8:00. It's definitely been a full... " 

Joy turned swiftly toward the door as both women heard a raised voice come from the other room. Joy didn't recognize the voice and turned back to Alexis who by the look on her face knew exactly who it was. 

"Alexis, who is that and what in the blue blazes is he yelling about?" 

Alexis rolled her eyes letting out a huge frustrated sigh. 

"That is my ex-husband who obviously has a problem with Sonny being in my living room. Nothing new, Joy. Just two boys throwing their weight around trying to see whose chest can stick out the farthest. I didn't really want to handle anything else tonight, but it looks like I don't have much of a choice. Come on, friend. You know, you may regret taking on that particular job the more you get to know me." 

Joy laughed as she followed Alexis to the door remarking, "Not on your life, I haven't had this much fun in years. You are definitely not boring, Alexis Davis. I'm in now and there's no turning back, friend. **_Ex-husband?_**" 

Alexis threw a smile over her shoulder toward Joy and opened the door to find Jax and Sonny squared off with poor Johnny standing in the middle trying to separate them. Before she knew it, she and Joy were both laughing hilariously at the sight. Alexis calmed down some as the men turned to face the women. She lifted her arm and lay it across Joy's shoulder companionably. 

"Joy, I would like you to meet Jasper Jax, my first and only ex-husband. As you can see he and Sonny have some major ego issues where I'm concerned." Turning her attention to Jax she continued, "and as this is not a bar room and there are people who need their rest here, just maybe I can get them both to calm down some. Hi, Jax." 

As Jax turned his attention away from Sonny, she watched in resignation as Jax approached her knowing what was coming. Returning his kiss on the cheek she waited for the inevitable. 

"Hey, Alexis. How are you feeling?" 

"I'm doing exceptionally well considering I've been living in an insane asylum for the past couple of months. And how are things with you lately?" 

"Fine. What is '_he'_ doing here? I thought you were through with him." 

Alexis patted him affectionately on the arm then turned toward Johnny sending him a smile of reassurance then moved toward the sofa to sit down. 

"Well, given his presence here, and the fact that I don't seem too concerned about it... it would seem that that isn't exactly the case now, would it?" 

"What's wrong with you? You know what happens to women around him. Do I have to remind you what happened to... " 

Her insides froze. His total lack of sensitivity to her current predicament stunned her. Whirling around her mouth dropped open. She didn't have to look hard to see that Johnny and Sonny were both about to come unglued. Throwing her hands up in total annoyance hoping to hold Johnny and Sonny in place, she stopped Jax from going any further with his question. 

"Alright that's enough. No, Jax you do not have to remind me of anything. If you haven't heard, which I'm sure you probably already have, I have my memory back. _All of it!_ And I'm through being tossed back and forth between all of my well-meaning friends; all in the name of _'helping such a defenseless incompetent woman' _as myself. I am capable of handling my life and the events of said life; now more than ever. I love you, Jax but it's time you learned that I am capable of knowing who and what I want in my life. If I choose to allow Sonny in my life, then that's just what it is, my choice, just as it is my choice to allow you in my life. If you want to continue to be in my life, which I hope with all my heart that you do, then you are going to have to accept the choices I make and keep your opinions to yourself unless I ask for them." 

Jax advanced closer. He wasn't about to give up trying to convince her that Sonny Corinthos was too much of a danger to be around. As he took his second step he eyed Sonny moving toward him menacingly and lifted his hand pointing toward him. 

"Back off, Corinthos. You've done enough. Isn't the fact that Alexis lost her sister to you enough to tell you that it's time for you to let go? What... are you trying to make sure Alexis gets taken out next? Is it going to take us having to bury her too for you to realize what kind of a danger you are to women?" 

Every heart stilled at the storm that erupted from the one woman... the only woman who could instill such devotion in the hearts of two totally opposite men. 

**__**

"JAX... STOP IT NOW OR GET OUT!" 

Jax's mouth fell open at the strength and anger he saw in his best friend. He took a step back as she came toward him clearly just getting started with her tirade against him. Even with his concern for what she was about to come at him with he couldn't resist the smirk that fell on his face as she turned toward Sonny first. 

"Sonny, don't say another word. In fact, right now I think it would be best if you were to go across the hall. I'll call you when I'm finished here." 

Alexis refused to continue until she made her wishes absolutely clear to Sonny with a piercing glare. As he turned toward the door he shot a look of warning toward Jax. 

"Sonny, please." 

Sonny looked back at Alexis and felt his heart jump at the strength he was seeing in her. She looked well and in control, he remembered this woman. And he understood. This was again, her fight. What she needed from him was support. The kind of support that said 'I can back off so you can do what you need to', so that was what he was going to give her. 

"I'll be across the hall if you need me." 

Alexis smiled at him just as he turned to go and he heard her whispered words. 

"Thank you, Sonny." 

Alexis then faced Johnny and Joy. 

"Guys, I need a little time alone with Jax. Do you mind?" 

Johnny stepped forward first. He didn't want to leave Alexis, but it was time. It was time for her to start handling things on her own. He just hoped it wouldn't be too hard this first time around on her own. She was able to handle Carly and it didn't look like it hit her too hard, but they were all standing behind her supporting her during that confrontation. Jax should be easier since their history together was long.

"We'll be in the kitchen if you need us, partner. You need anything at all, you call us." 

"Thanks, Johnny. Joy, could I ask you to fix up a pot of tea please, for later." 

"No problem, Alexis. It'll be ready when you want it." 

Alexis waited quietly as Johnny and Joy left the room then beckoned Jax to join her on the sofa. 

Jax sat down and turned to face Alexis. Now that everyone was gone maybe he could finally get her to realize just how much she needed to throw Sonny Corinthos out of her life. 

"Alexis, why do you insist on keeping such a dangerous man around you; especially now that he has cost you your sister, the sister that I brought back to you. Aren't you the least bit concerned about your baby?" 

Alexis leaped back up. Rage filled her that Jax could be so insensitive. 

"Just who in the hell do you think you are, Jasper Jax? I don't believe this. I simply don't believe this. Tell me something. Where have you been the last couple of months? How many times have you been here? How many times have you called to even check to see whether I was alive or dead? Where were you when I woke up not knowing where I was or where I had been? Where were you when I realized that my last memory was of Chloe still alive in a bed in General Hospital? Where were you when I was forced to face her death all over again? Where were you when I remembered that my sister finally found me and I was given a whole year with her before she was taken from me again. Where were you, Jax? I'll tell you where you weren't. You weren't here. But, I'll tell you who was here. Sonny was here. And Johnny was here. And Joy was here. You weren't. You have no right to barrel in here and start throwing insults and accusations like you own the place... or more to the point, like you own me. You don't. We're friends... at least that's what I thought we were. But, it seems that I have to learn just what a friend actually is since I've rejoined the land of the living. And let me tell you something, buddy. Friendship is a two-way street. And just for the record, you really haven't been that much of a friend lately, Jax." 

Alexis was so angry she began pacing and her breathing was hard and heavy. How dare he come into the safety of her sanctuary like a bull in a china shop and start with his vendetta against Sonny again. 

"I don't have the strength to fight with you tonight, Jax. It simply defies all reason for me that I should have to defend myself given what I have been through the past couple of months. Why you and Ned have this idea that you own me as if I were a piece of furniture or something is totally beyond me. You might want to remember from now on that I am not your property, I am not your _'damsel in distress'_. I am quite capable of handling my life without constantly being told by well meaning friends that I am incapable or more to the point that I am not competent enough to do so. In fact, I think maybe you should go on home, Jax. I've had enough for one day." 

As she finished her rant, Alexis turned to look at Jax and quickly suppressed the grin that threatened to reveal itself. His jaw was hanging wide open and he was looking at her as if she lost every marble she ever owned. 

"Close your mouth, Jax before something disgusting finds its way inside that cavern you're flashing me. What's wrong? Didn't you think I had it in me to fight for myself? I've learned a lot while you were out there somewhere doing whatever." 

Jax shook himself slightly to get rid of some of the lingering shock over Alexis' rant against him. He stepped closer and peered more intently at her to see if she was really ok. 

"Alexis? What's got into you? What are they doing to you here?" 

"They're teaching me how to deal with people who don't respect me." 

"I respect you. I've always respected you." 

"Then why is it so hard for you to hear me when I tell you to back off in every way possible except in a foreign language. You ignore my wishes, you pick fights with Sonny constantly at the drop of a hat when I ask you not to; sometimes you treat me as if I don't have a brain in my head. Do you know what I remembered first about you after my initial memory came back? I remembered you asking Sonny how he turned me into a naïve schoolgirl. Do you not know how much that hurt me? It wasn't so much the words that hurt as much as it was the fact that you didn't trust me to know what was best for my family. And you didn't trust me enough to know what I wanted... what I needed. It didn't coincide with what you wanted so you threw it out the window and kept right on dictating to me how you thought I should act. Why, Jax? Why do you treat me like your own personal property?" 

Her words sent him backwards a couple of steps. She wasn't kidding... she was absolutely serious and it was throwing him. She had never said anything to him like this before. He couldn't remember her ever coming at him with the kind of stuff she was hitting him with. He didn't know what to say to her. 

"I don't. I've never treated you like that." 

"Jax, I don't want to fight with you. It's just time I started standing up for myself. I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman and it's time my friends started treating me as such. I love you... I have loved you for a long time and I don't want to lose you, but things are going to be different from now on. If you can handle that then you are welcome in my home any time day or night. If not then I'm sorry, but we're going to have to come to a parting of the ways. I have to be strong for my daughter, for myself... for the woman I want to be. Can you understand that, Jax? But, more importantly can you accept it?" 

Jax reached for Alexis and pulled her into his arms. He hugged her tightly. It didn't matter how she allowed him in her life; all he knew in that moment was that he wanted... needed to have her in his life. 

"I don't know what these people have done to my friend, but I'm not willing to lose you. If I cross a line, you just let me know. I'll back off. That's a promise." 

"Thank you, Jax." 

"Now, before I cause any more trouble, it's time I got out of your hair. Can I come see you again?" 

"You can come visit me any time, but you might want to call first. I'm hoping to be released soon. I'm not sick and I'm not crazy... no matter how much you may think I am at this moment. I want to go home and get back to my life." 

"Any idea when that might happen?" 

"Not right now. But, I'm working on it." 

Jax leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "You take care and I'll see you soon." With that, Jax turned and walked toward the front door. Just as he opened it to leave, he shot back over his shoulder... "You know, you're my favorite ex-wife." 

And just as easily, Alexis shot back, "And you're my favorite ex-husband." 

He grinned and winked. "I'm your only ex-husband."

Then he was gone leaving a smile on Alexis' face. Just as she started for the kitchen Johnny and Joy appeared in the doorway. Johnny leaned up against the wall with a grin as wide as the Grand Canyon. His arm went around Joy as she leaned against him. He was so excited he couldn't contain himself. 

"Joy, if I didn't think my dignity would suffer a huge set back, I think I'd jump up and down. Did you hear her? Did you see her? That was absolutely magnificent. And the best thing is... he'll be back and he'll remember our little buddy's words and think twice next time he questions her about anything. Damn that was fine. I think we need to celebrate. How about you, Joy?" 

Realizing her whole conversation with Jax was overheard; Alexis smiled self-consciously. But, watching the excitement and pride radiating off Johnny sent her into gales of laughter. The man could hardly stand still. She watched him approach her and by the look on his face, she knew he was up to something. Her eyes grew round as all of a sudden she was lifted into the air and swung around several times as Johnny cheered her. He was proud of her and he was letting her know it in no uncertain terms. As he set her down she looked toward Joy sheepishly who was walking toward her clapping her hands, also beaming with pride for a woman who was finally learning to stand up for herself. 

"Alexis?" 

Alexis, Joy and Johnny turned in unison to find Sonny standing in the door. 

Alexis smiled at the confusion she saw on his face. 

"Hi, Sonny. We were just... well Joy and Johnny were... " Alexis couldn't bring herself to tell him what occurred. She was proud of herself, but she just wasn't quite sure how to say it. It came without being prompted and Alexis smiled. _You have the right to be proud of your accomplishments. _

"Jax just left and I don't think he'll be giving you or I any more problems." 

"Yeah, something was a bit strange about him. I was sitting outside when he left. He didn't say anything at all. Just kept right on walking. What did you say to him?" 

Johnny couldn't resist. The man was beside himself. 

"You should have heard her, Sonny. I've never been so proud of anyone in my life. She let him have it up one side and down the other and the man left here with his tail between his legs. You should have seen her. You would have been so proud of her. Hot dang, we're almost out of here. Hot dang, Hot dang, Hot dang." 

"Johnny, ssshhhhh... ssshhhhh... you've got to settle down. You're going to have the whole wing in an uproar." 

Joy was trying to calm Johnny down, but wasn't having much luck. Especially since he was not about to take her very seriously with her laughing as hard as he was. She finally took him by the hand and started leading him toward the kitchen. She looked back at Alexis, nodded her head toward Sonny and winked at her. 

The smile on Alexis' face disappeared. She knew what Joy was doing. She was leaving her alone with Sonny. Alone, with a mountain of unresolved issues between them. 

Sonny took a couple of steps closer to Alexis. He was searching her eyes trying to figure out where her head was. Something about her was changed. He couldn't put his finger on it though. She seemed stronger, more settled. But, more than that... Sonny stepped closer. Even with the change in her, there was something different. Something was missing. He decided to jump in with both feet. All she could do was ask him to leave. 

"I guess it's my turn now." 

He stood there uncertain. Alexis let her eyes soak in the sight of him. For as long as she had known him, there was always something about him that simply drew her in. His eyes, eyes that reached out and grabbed hold of her, daring her to try and escape the simple dynamic power of him. She let her gaze fall to his jaw line. Strong; steady and sure. Just one touch. Alexis moved slowly toward him, closing the distance between them. She let his gaze pull her forward. Slowly, deliberately she raised her hand and let her fingertips slide down his cheek, then let her hand fall gently to his shoulder. Her eyes followed the trail of her hand as it drew a path across his shoulder, down his arm until she finally took his hand in hers. Once she held his hand in hers she looked back up and smiled shyly whispering. 

"Maybe it's finally our turn, Sonny." 

He didn't understand. Was she playing him? Earlier this afternoon she could barely look at him and tonight she was... It didn't make sense. 

"Our turn? Alexis, you're going to have to help me. I don't understand." 

Alexis let go of Sonny's hand and stepped away. 

"I've done a lot of thinking today, Sonny. A lot of things are suddenly making sense for me. But, before you and I sit down for a long over due talk, I have to make sure that everything is where it should be in my head and that there is no anger left. Can you give me tonight? Can you wait until tomorrow? If you can, then you and I will sit down together and try to work things out." 

Sonny smiled and reached for her. He took her hand in his and raised it slowly. Laying it against his heart he covered it with his own. 

"That's fine, Alexis. Take all the time you need. I'll be waiting." 

He raised her hand to his lips and lay a tender kiss on the inside of her wrist then turned to go. 

"Sonny?" 

"Alexis." 

"You made your point with the chair. I'm okay now. You don't have to sit out in the hall anymore. Go to your room and get some rest. Please." 

"Are you sure, Alexis?" 

Sonny studied her intently not willing to leave unless he was sure she was okay and Alexis watched him study her. He was waiting for her to reassure him. 

"Sonny, I'm fine. Really." 

Not yet satisfied, he looked closer trying to assure himself she wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear. 

Alexis flashed back to another moment in time and smiled. "Sonny, I'm fine. You can stand down now soldier... I think I've said that to you before at one time, haven't I?" 

Sonny smiled. "Yeah. But, unlike now, you weren't fine then. Okay, you've convinced me. I'll leave you to what you need to finish and I'll call you in the morning. But, just so you don't start looking for me and I'm not around... I'm going to try to sit down and talk with Kevin first thing in the morning. There's something I need to talk to him about. That ok with you?" 

"Are you alright?" 

"Yeah, I guess we both need to make sure our heads are in the right place before we do this. I'll call you when I'm done. You have any idea when you want to do this thing?" 

"Wouldn't you agree the sooner the better?" 

"Yeah. Well, I guess I'll go try to get some rest. Anything you need before I go?" 

"No. I'm good. I think I'll have a cup of tea with Joy and Johnny then head back to my room for a little more evaluation. Do you remember asking me once if I had to 'like analyze everything'?" 

Sonny smiled gently. He remembered. The memory brought him both enjoyment and heartache. If only... 

"Yeah. I remember. Why?" 

Alexis returned his smile shyly as a wave of warmth flowed through her at the feelings the memory evoked within her. Her smiled deepened as she recognized that Sonny was remembering the occasion just as fondly as she did. 

"I'm beginning to think that analyzing a situation to death can in some circumstances prove to be more detrimental than advantageous." 

Sonny chuckled and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek as he replied before turning to go, "You just might be right there, counselor." 

Alexis lifted her hand and waved once as he left the room. Turning back toward the window Alexis drew a heavy breath and let it out slowly. Tomorrow. One way or another, things would be settled between them.


	80. Chapter 80

_ ****_

Chapter 80 

The next morning, Sonny stood in the bathroom of his suite gazing at himself in the mirror. Today was the day. Together he and Alexis would put right all that went gone wrong between them. At least he hoped they would. Studying himself in the mirror, he knew there were a host of questions that he needed to have answered and he was sure that Alexis did as well. 'Ok hotshot, let's not blow this. Everything you've ever wanted is within reach if you just keep it together. Don't lose your temper. Watch her, follow her, don't push... she'll tell you everything in her own time. Just remember this is the rest of your life on the line. You've got a chance to have it all... just don't blow it. Best go ahead and call Kevin before he gets too busy.' 

Sonny left the bathroom in search of his cell phone. Pulling it from his jacket pocket, he fumbled it and almost dropped it. 'Slow down, Corinthos. Just settle down. You both want this to work. Just calm down and take your time.' 

Punching in the code to speed dial Kevin, he sat down on the side of the bed and waited. Feeling a little light headed, he realized he was holding his breath. Letting go, he exhaled then took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled again mumbling. 'The last thing you need to do is pass out because you didn't breath, man. And just what would Alexis make of that piece of news. I guarantee you'd never live it down.' 

Sonny straightened as Kevin answered his phone. 

"Kevin, its Sonny. Look, I know it's last minute, but there's something I would really like to discuss with you before Alexis and I sit down to iron everything out today. Is there any possibility that I could meet you somewhere real quick?" 

"Sonny, are you sure that Alexis is ready to get into all of that with you? I think there's still a lot she has to deal with on her own first. She doesn't need a lot more weighing her down right now." 

"Oh yeah, you weren't around last night. It seems she did a lot of thinking last night and evidently got a lot of things settled." 

"You better come on around. I don't think this is something I want to discuss over the phone. Give me about fifteen minutes to clear my schedule." 

"Sure. See you in fifteen." 

Sonny ended his call and sat there for a couple of minutes. His heart was racing and he could see a slight tremble in his hands. He couldn't blow this... he needed Alexis in his life. He needed the calmness she instilled in him... the stableness... the sense of being grounded. He needed her soft voice, her gentle touch, and eyes that you could fall into and get lost. He needed her. Shaking himself free of the vision of her that formed in his mind as he thought of her, Sonny stood up quickly. 'This is not helping man. Look at yourself... the more you think about her, the more nervous you get. Just go talk to Kevin. It shouldn't take long at all for that mouth of his to settle you down.' 

Knocking on Kevin's door a few minutes later, Sonny was still having trouble controlling the nervousness he felt. 

Kevin opened the door at Sonny's knock, took one look at the man and burst out laughing. Seeing the dark look settle on Sonny's face, his laughter died and he ushered Sonny in. 

"Just what do you find so funny, Kevin?" 

"Sorry, Sonny. But if you could see your face; you look like you just lost your lunch, your best friend and your fortune. What has got you so wound up? I would think you'd be standing tall right about now." 

"I don't see anything funny about this and just for your information if things don't go well today then I could be leaving here tonight alone. Which means for the rest of my life, there will be a hole the size of the Grand Canyon inside me. Is that funny to you? If it is, then why don't you share the joke with me? I could use a laugh right about now." 

Listening to the tremor in Sonny's voice and seeing the unyielding stance of his body, Kevin backed off. He had never seen Sonny so unsure of himself, nor had he ever seen him filled with so much anxiety. 

"Sit down, Sonny and tell me what's going on with you. This is not like you. Just try and calm down and talk to me." 

Sonny sat down opposite Kevin and leaned back trying to let go of the distress that was taking control of his body. Audibly releasing an enormous sigh he looked up at Kevin and smiled sheepishly. 

"It seems that the possible outcome of today has me tied up in knots. I can't leave here without her, but she's the one that has control of that decision. My future depends on her. For the first time since I was a kid, I don't have the upper hand. I have to give over to someone else the right to determine how the rest of my life is spent. And while I trust her completely, giving anyone any kind of control over me is just something that I don't do very well." 

"Sonny, you've blown this all out of proportion. Look at where you are; look at where she is. That in its self should tell you something. With everything that she has been through, one of the things that landed her here were her feelings for you. She has just as much to lose as you do, if not more. No, scratch that. She definitely has more to lose than you do. Because she already knows for a fact what losing you can to do her simply because she's already been there once. You haven't. For her to willingly consider stepping back into a situation, understanding the complete power it has over her, Sonny do you not realize what this means for her? I imagine you've spent all morning looking at this from how much you're putting on the line, how much you could get hurt... how scared you are. What you are still refusing to deal with is your inability to look at anything from a point of view other than your own. Sonny if this is going to work, you have simply got to let go of you and grab onto her. If you will just commit yourself fully to this relationship and give it all you've got, she will take care of her part of the relationship; which means she will take care of you. I think that's the one concept that you are having the most difficulty with. You've never been in a healthy relationship and you simply do not understand the give and take of it. If you think you're headed for trouble, the answer is not to lay down boundaries or rule after rule after rule. You sit down with her and you talk it out. She's got quite a bit going for her. She's one of those rare women who want to give rather than take. Take a lesson, Sonny. If you meet her half way, she'll take you the rest of the way and you will both enjoy and benefit from the trip together. You will learn each other and build a life of serenity rather than the chaos that you are so used to." 

"I know I look at everything from my own point of view. It was the only way I survived. It was the way of the streets." 

"So let me get this straight. You're looking at a relationship with Alexis as something you have to survive?" 

Sonny became angry that Kevin seemed to be deliberately baiting him. He stood quickly and headed toward the window feeling trapped. 

"That's not what I said." 

"Didn't you?" 

"**_NO_**." 

Kevin refused to let Sonny's anger deter him from getting to the heart of his problem. 

"So what are you saying?" 

"**_I'M SAYING I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ANY OTHER WAY_**." 

"And?" 

Sonny looked back over his shoulder at Kevin. What was he getting at? What did he want from him? Sonny stopped cold as the realization came over him of what he was truly afraid of. A ghostly thunderous tremor ran through him; the familiarity of it shocking him. He hadn't felt a tremor of that magnitude in years. Closing his eyes against the vision of a door closing and the sound of a lock slamming into place made him shudder. Damn. He needed air... room... feeling his throat constrict he turned back to the window and looked for a way to open it. Finding the lock he opened it and shoved the glass up and felt an immediate breeze blow past him and the tremor inside faded slowly until it finally stilled. Breathing deeply he gave voice to the consuming fear that lay deep within him. 

"What if I'm not able to give her what she needs? I'm scared I'll hurt her again and I'm scared I'll lose her. If I lose her... I lose me." 

"Sonny. Look at me." 

Sonny turned slightly and focused on Kevin. 

"It is that fear that will help you be what you want to be, give her what she needs and give yourself the life that you want. Lock onto that fear and realize that it will help you do what needs to be done. Instead of running from your fear or covering it up with harsh words and rash acts of self-protection. Open yourself up to it and feed it. The more you feed it the more it will dissipate because you will get what you desire most. A healthy relationship with the woman you love." 

For the first time in a long time, Sonny looked inward and faced his fear head on. He felt it begin to consume him... it began to rise slowly and threaten to steal his breathe. He felt himself begin to drown in the blackness of his fear. Throwing his head to one side violently in a desperate attempt to escape the darkness, he lost his balance and reached up clutching the windowsill to steady himself. He couldn't let it get to him... couldn't let it take over. He would be lost if he didn't get away from it. 

Kevin was watching Sonny intently. He saw Sonny begin to release himself to the fear, then catch himself and close down. Standing up quickly he approached Sonny. 

"No, don't back away from it. Give it what it wants. Remember Alexis. Put a picture of Alexis in your head. Center yourself on her. Feel her touch, hear her whisper. Don't walk away... trust that part of you that knows what she means to you and feed it." 

Sonny lifted his hand and clutched Kevin's shoulder. He needed to feel connected... needed a way to keep himself in the moment, just in case, then lowered his head and concentrated on Alexis. He placed a vision of her in front of him and began remembering everything about her. He gave in to his love of her and let memory after memory wash over him. As the memories passed, one by one, Sonny again faced his fear. As he stood before it, allowing memory after memory of his time with Alexis to surface he began to feel more at peace. The fear that had threatened to take over began to fade and the trembling he felt inside stilled. He looked up at Kevin and smiled. 

"Ok, you made your point." 

"Good." 

Both men returned to their seat and Kevin leaned forward resting his arms on his desk. 

"How do you feel? 

"Calmer, more relaxed." 

"Fine. Fine. Now you know what to do when you get anxious. Just take your time and let what you've learned take over. Center yourself on the goal and let it determine your actions. You both developed quite an ability to read each other. Use it. Take your time and just relax into it. You'll find that in time, knowing what to do or how to handle a situation will come naturally because you will both be working toward the same goal. Now, when are you two supposed to get together?" 

"After I finish here." 

"I want to talk to Alexis sometime today. Let her know for me." 

"What if she's not ready to talk to you, yet?" 

"Just tell her that I'm the only one who can sign her release forms." 

Sonny's heart jumped in anticipation then segued into alarm. 

"Do you think she's ready to go home?" 

Kevin smiled slyly. 

"I won't know that until I talk to her, now will I?" 

Sonny returned the smile. 

"I'll tell her." 

"Good. Now go on, I've got a schedule to get back to. Just have her call when she gets ready." 

Sonny left Kevin's office and stood in the waiting room pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. He called Johnny. 

"Hi Johnny. How's Alexis this morning?" 

"Well, she's quiet. Haven't seen much of her yet. We finished breakfast a while ago and I haven't seen her since. She's been in her room. I think she's waiting on you to show up." 

"Okay. I'm on my way. Could I ask a favor of you?" 

Johnny listened and nodded his head a few times. Joy was standing close by watching him. He noticed her questioning look and lifted his hand to tell her to hold on a minute. Ending his call with Sonny he explained what Sonny had asked of them. 

"Sonny wants to have a few hours alone with Alexis and I told him we'd give it to him. Beside there's something you and I need to do. Care to spend the day with me, sweetheart?" 

"I would love to do just that. Are you sure we need to leave Alexis here alone?" 

"She won't be alone, Joy. Sonny will be here. Come on, we need to give them some time to sort things out. This is a good thing, Joy. If you'll go get us ready to go, I'll go alert Alexis that Sonny is on his way. Now don't go getting worried and upset. This is a good thing. I promise. They both need this. Now scoot." 

Joy couldn't help teasing him about his latest form of request. 

"Scoot? Johnny, did you just tell me to scoot?" 

Johnny colored nicely. He ducked his head and nodded. 

"Yeah. Not so good, huh?" 

Joy smiled and reached up to kiss him. 

"Priceless, just priceless. I wonder what my friend in there would say if someone were to tell her to 'scoot'?" 

"They'd probably find themselves on the other side of the door. Sorry, Joy. I'll think twice next time." 

"No you won't. I kind of liked it. Besides you looked cute telling me to 'scoot'. Did I tell you this morning yet, that I love you?" 

"Yeah, real nice like. You can tell me you love me like that morning, noon and night." 

"Hush, Johnny. What if Alexis heard you?" 

"I don't care. Hopefully she'll be telling Sonny she loves him like that real soon, if you get my drift." 

"I get your drift, wise guy. But, it's not going to get anywhere near there unless we get out of here. Now come on, you scoot your way and I'll scoot mine and we'll meet at the front door in about ten minutes. Okay?" 

"Right. Ten minutes." 

Johnny headed toward Alexis' room laughing gently. It was going to be a good day. He and Joy would spend it together away from Ferncliff and doing something fun.


	81. Chapter 81

**__**

Chapter 81 

"So where do we start?" 

Sonny was standing at one end of the sofa and Alexis at the other; each of them trying to control the nerves that were threatening to overcome them. Joy and Johnny had left moments before leaving the two of them feeling ill at ease as they were finally alone with nothing but time to hopefully clear away the mountain of debris that lay between them. 

Feeling that it was her place to begin, Alexis moved around to the front of the sofa. 

"Why don't we sit down? I have to tell you, I'm pretty nervous about all of this. I don't know what to expect given what we have to deal with." 

Sonny followed her lead and joined her on the sofa. He moved around just enough so he could face her without crowding her. He didn't want her to feel at all pressured by him. 

He sat gingerly, not sure of her frame of mind yet. The impression that he was getting from her did not coincide with what he witnessed in her the day before. Yesterday it was difficult for her to even meet his eyes and yet today... he didn't sense the anger that he thought she would still be feeling toward him. He wanted to know why. 

"Alexis, what happened between yesterday and today? You were pretty angry with me; but now and even last night before I left... I don't know; something's different." 

Alexis allowed a small smile and glanced briefly at him. 

"I let go of a lot of issues that were keeping me tied in knots. Hanging on to them wasn't doing me any favors. I don't believe anger solves anything; I never have. What has it ever gotten either one of us? Besides things make more sense today than they did yesterday. But, I don't want to get sidetracked. It will all come out as we talk. So... who goes first?" 

Sonny shook his head in astonishment. The woman was an absolute mystery to him. Settling himself more comfortably he made the decision to get things started with what he felt was probably the most important issue with Alexis. 

"Let me start this off if you don't mind. I think it would be best if I start off with an apology." 

Watching him fidget nervously, Alexis nodded her consent and waited. It took him a few moments to settle the turmoil inside before speaking. 

"I never apologized for my part in your sister's death. I'm sorry she got caught in the middle of something I should have handled a lot differently." 

Alexis closed her eyes her sister's face flashed before her. Swallowing the lump in her throat she picked nervously at a few errant pieces of lint that stuck stubbornly to her slacks. 

"Tell me what happened, Sonny. I need to know what was going on before we go any further." 

Sonny drew a deep breath and began to tell the story of a former love and the man who held such a black obsession for her that anyone she held a remnant of feeling for was targeted for removal by whatever means were available. He told her step by step of the events that led to the bombing of the warehouse. As each word fell from his mouth, he listened to himself with a new understanding of what the heartless vendetta cost the woman who sat next to him. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't bring himself to look into eyes that would surely be filled with hate at what he cost her and why. With the conclusion of the story his voice grew quiet and he waited for the inevitable. Closing his eyes he breathed deeply... afraid of what would become of him when she finally asked him to leave and never come back. As he sat there waiting he suddenly felt warm fingers under his chin lifting his face to meet hers. 

Alexis' heart ached for the sorrow she saw in Sonny. Sorrow for what he felt he cost her. She recognized what he was feeling as he related what happened... could see it in his face though he tried to hide it. Needing to release him from the agony and guilt he felt, she reached for him. Placing her fingers under his chin she lifted his face up toward hers. 

"Sonny, look at me." 

Alexis waited for him to open his eyes. When he did, she dropped her hand. 

"You are not to blame for what happened to Kristina." 

Sonny's body jerked slightly in surprise at Alexis' words. He knew she either hadn't heard him right or she must have misunderstood what happened. Or maybe she didn't have all of her memory back after all? 

"She died because she was in my warehouse. Alexis didn't you hear what I said?" 

"I heard you very clearly. But there was something else going on that you may or may not know. Kristina was looking for you because of me." 

"I know she wanted to tell me something." 

"Yes. She wanted to tell you that you were the father of my child. As much as I love my sister, she never knew when to leave a thing alone. So, she put herself into a situation that was none of her business and she died. Sonny, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault. Kristina made a decision that cost her her life." 

Sonny was having a problem allowing her words to sink in. Anytime someone died in one of his wars, he took responsibility for it, whether it was intended or not. How could she let him off the hook so easily? 

"I don't understand. It was my war, my warehouse... she was in my warehouse. It was up to me to protect... " 

"Protect? How could you have known she would be anywhere near that warehouse, Sonny? Kristina should never have been there. If she wasn't so intent on trying to run my life for me, she wouldn't have been there. It was not your fault." 

Sonny stood up and moved to the window. He knew he was at fault. He didn't protect the ones she loved. He walked away and left her and the ones she loved vulnerable. They walked away from each other and they both suffered in the end. He turned back to look at her. She sat there waiting... knowing he needed time. She knew him so well. He smiled sadly then looked back out the window. He couldn't face her knowing what he cost her. Not just with her sister, but in so many other ways as well. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke again. 

"It was a mistake to walk back across that hall. I knew what I was doing and why, but I didn't think... I know I hurt you. But, I don't think I could ever have guessed what that one act would mean to me personally. You're right, I did change. I had to just to survive the emptiness that the loss of you created inside me. That first month after the memorial service... I kept hearing your words over and over. Words that you said out of anger and grief, but words that rang true in my head. You had every right to say what you did. I deserved it." 

"Sonny?" 

"I know what her loss means to you now. I didn't know at first, I didn't really think a whole lot about it until these last couple of days since Courtney's been around. Kristina was always getting in my face about how bad I treated you. It always infuriated me that she could treat you so disrespectfully... that she would put her nose into something I thought was my business. I didn't have any tolerance for her way of doing things. But, Courtney would do the same thing for me, not because she wants to get into my business, but because she loves me that much. I just didn't understand." 

"Sonny. Stop." 

Sonny was doing the very same thing she had done to herself and Alexis needed to stop him and try to explain the futility of it. She stood and joined him beside the window. Placing her hand on his shoulder she turned him to face her. 

"You have to stop this. It's not doing you or I any good. It's a waste of time and energy. Yes, Kristina loved me. But Kristina did not have the right to push her thoughts and ideas on me or anyone else I may have been involved with. She was wrong, Sonny. Just as wrong as you are in taking responsibility for something you had no control over. Let it go, Sonny. It's over. I will love her for the rest of my life and I will miss her. I will miss her love of life, her joy, her quirkiness... but most of all I will miss her love." 

Sonny gazed into Alexis' eyes searching for something... needing absolution for the mistakes that cost her so much. Not finding what he needed he hung his head. What he did see in her eyes left him adrift on a sea of uncertainty. Yes, he could see that she cared and that she was concerned for him. But, through it all there still remained the unasked questions that he always found when he looked into her eyes. Before the day ended he knew he must find the strength to ask her what those questions were and find a way to answer them for her. 

"You've lost so much, Alexis." 

"So have you, Sonny. But, we're both still standing. The losses haven't beaten us. I realized last night that I was not doing either one of us any good by holding on to this enormous amount of anger toward you. You asked me to remember you... You needed me to remember you just as much as I needed to remember. But, it wasn't just the last few days that I needed to remember. It was who we were together before it all fell apart. What you and I shared... the trust... the companionship. If we survive this intact we are still going to have problems; it's inevitable. We just have to find a way to remain strong so that when the next catastrophe strikes we're somewhat prepared for it. And it will come, Sonny. It's the life we drew. You and I were born into lives full of uncertainty and trouble. It's made us who we are. Which brings me to another point... come on back and sit down." 

Sonny once again followed Alexis. It seemed right somehow. Settling down beside her again he waited patiently. His time would come soon enough. Looking over at her he watched with reserved amusement as a studious look fell on her face. He knew she was trying to formulate how she wanted to approach a subject she felt might be delicate for him. He saw her nod to herself once and knew she found the words she needed to make it as easy as possible for him. He would forever marvel at this woman's ability to think of others before she thought of herself. Clearing his mind he focused on what she needed to say to him. 

"Sonny, I fight every day to maintain a certain standard of behavior. It is important to me that I not succumb to the type of behavior I grew up with in having Helena so much a part of my life. I lived with lies, deceit, hate, vindictiveness and inhuman treatment every day while I was under her roof. And I'm sorry if it hurts you, but Carly has a lot of the characteristics in her that I despise in Helena. I will not allow myself to sink to their level if at all possible. I made a choice to lift myself above that kind of behavior. I had to in order to survive the life I was born into. I won't renege on that choice. But there have been times that I have ignored who I am... what I believe in... just to give you what you wanted. And I think part of it was because I was afraid I would lose you, that something would change between us and I wouldn't have my friend anymore. I can't do it anymore, Sonny. I can't deny the basics of who I am anymore for you. It takes something away from me... it reminds me of what I grew up with... of what I am capable of if pushed too far. I gave in to you because I felt a bond with you, because I knew that there was something special between us. I did what I could to see that your life was easier. And in the process I lost respect for myself." 

Sonny ducked his head in shame. Of all that she could have come at him with... this he did not expect. Words that Jasper Jax had thrown at him in anger came back to haunt him. Women did change around him... they became less. He thought briefly of Carly. When she was away from him she became stronger, more independent. He did not want to see Alexis change who she was because of him. He loved her strong, independent and intelligent nature. She made him more because of the woman she was. He couldn't lose that; he needed her to be her own person. 

"You're right. I didn't think about you... what you were giving up. All I thought about was what needed to be done in order to get what I wanted. I'm sorry, Alexis. It was thoughtless and insensitive of me. Jax was right. Women are not safe around me. I don't mean physically. Who they are gets lost... they become what they think I want. I don't want that to happen with you. I like who you are. You have my word I won't ask you to do anything again that goes against what you believe in." 

"Thank you. But, Sonny you also need to understand that it is a choice that a woman makes on her own to allow or not allow herself to conform to someone else's idea of who they should be. I'm learning that I can love without giving up who I am. It is a lesson long overdue. Ok, now it's your turn. I've got a couple of things off my chest. It's only fair that I give you a chance now." 

Alexis watched as Sonny shook his head and stood up. He walked toward the window again then turned around to face her. His face a total mask of unbelief and confusion.


	82. Chapter 82

****

Chapter 82   
  
"Sonny? What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" 

She couldn't understand why he was looking at as if she were a stranger.  
  
"No. Alexis, you totally amaze me. You're sitting here with all kinds of questions for me. You've lost a couple of months of your life. You just got through reliving the past year of your life... a year of things that no one should ever have to go through once let alone twice. And yet, here you sit talking about what's fair. How can you do that? How can you continue to give so much... "   
  
Sonny raised his hands to draw them down his face once then dropped them. He looked back at Alexis who was smiling softly at him. He closed his eyes against the feeling of inadequacy that flowed through him. His whole body stilled as he heard her quiet voice. There was no way to count how many times her soft voice calmed the tempest in him during their time together regardless of whether it was as his attorney, his friend, or his confidant. Her voice comforted him and the familiar warmth that always blanketed him at the sound now once again quieted the turmoil.   
  
"Sonny, we've both been through a lot this past year. We both have questions that need answers. It's called working together to achieve a common goal. We're on the same road trying to get to the same place. Now come on. It's your turn, although I probably know already what is uppermost in your mind."   
  
Sonny returned to sit beside her.   
  
"Do you?"   
  
"I think so."   
  
"Tell me."   
  
Alexis looked down at her hands were clasped together in her lap. Separating them she laid one on the child that lay within her, sleeping contentedly.   
  
"I've always known how you feel about family. It was one of the things that originally drew me to you. For me to keep your child from you... I know you're probably very angry with me."   
  
"Why Alexis? Why did you keep it from me?"   
  
"You know why, Sonny. You more than anyone should know why."   
  
"Tell me, Alexis. When did you find out you were pregnant with my child? And when did you decide to keep it from me?"   
  
Alexis heard the edge in his voice. He was trying so hard to keep his anger under control. Drawing a deep breath she began to tell him the story.   
  
"Ironically it was Kristina who clued me into it at first. It was the day that you returned to Carly. I almost fainted in the foyer... you were there."   
  
Alexis heard Sonny groan and looked toward him. She saw the recognition in his eyes, but kept on. If she stopped now... she wouldn't be able to finish.   
  
"After I went inside, Kristina came down and started her normal routine of taking care of 'Alexis'. But this time, she was more concerned than usual. She insisted on taking my temperature and with all of her rambling on about my health... something just kind of clicked. The way I had been feeling, the constant weariness, things like that. So I bought a pregnancy test and it proved positive. You were there for that as well... well, not right there. But, you knocked on my door right after I found out. I was still trying to process the enormity of finding out that I, Alexis Davis, Attorney at Law, spawn of the house of Cassadine... was pregnant with my best friend slash client's child. I couldn't deal with you until I came to terms with it myself. At that point it never entered my mind to keep it from you... I wasn't thinking that far ahead."   
  
Sonny interrupted her with something that he was finding hard to contain his anger over.   
  
"How did Ned get pulled into this?"   
  
"Give me a little time to get there, Sonny. You need to know the whole story. I made an appointment with Dr. Meadows at General Hospital."   
  
Alexis shifted on the couch so she was no could no longer look directly at Sonny. Watching the varied expressions flash across his face was quickly becoming her undoing. She nervously brushed her hands across the top of her thighs a couple of times as if she were trying to wipe away some foreign matter then took a deep breath and continued.   
  
"Dr. Meadows talked about 'my options'. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she was delicately trying to point out. But for me, aborting this child was never an option. I wanted her... I wanted her more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. She became everything to me... the reason I got out of bed every morning. That was the day you asked me to take that check to Courtney. You sat in my living room talking about family and how much family meant to you. I thought about what you said and after you left I decided to tell you. I walked across that hall determined to tell you, but Carly got in the way of my attempt. She came down the stairs wearing the same black shirt I wore that morning after we... I lost my nerve, so I walked back across the hall and had another talk with my little girl and made up my mind that Carly wasn't going to stop me from what I thought was the right thing to do. When I opened my door again, I heard you and Jason in the hall talking. Jason had already taken care of Roscoe and you told him to go take care of the rest of the situation. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you after I heard that. Then Zander's beating happened... Ned accidentally found out I was pregnant... Carly somehow finds out about the baby and comes at me threatening that if anything should happen to me then you and she would raise my baby... Kristina died... It was all happening so fast... I stayed in a state of panic. And the only thing that made any sense to me was the fact that my baby needed to be protected. There was no way I was going to allow Carly anywhere near my child. I decided that in order to protect my child I was left with no other choice but to keep her away from your world. That's when I moved out of the penthouse and severed my ties with you. Next thing I know you're standing in my doorway asking me if the child I'm carrying is yours. That infamous temper of yours sent me reeling into a stunned silence. Ned was in the kitchen and when I didn't respond as quickly as he thought I should have; well... in trying to protect my baby and me he stepped in and claimed the child as his. And I allowed it, because I couldn't see any other way of protecting us from you at that time. I didn't want you taking my baby away from me."   
  
Sonny could feel his anger rising.   
  
"How could you think that I would take our child away from you? I would never do that."   
  
"Wouldn't you? Sonny, where is Michael right now? Did you not take him away from AJ first and if I'm not mistaken you've probably already barred Carly from his life. How could I think anything else, especially with Carly constantly coming at me spewing her venom every chance she got?"   
  
Sonny blew. He stood abruptly and put distance between himself and Alexis. How could she compare his actions where Michael was concerned with that of her own where his daughter was concerned?   
  
**_"I WILL NOT DEFEND MY ACTIONS WHERE MY SON IS CONCERNED."_**   
  
And Alexis in a quiet voice with chilled razor precision...   
  
"Nor will I, where my daughter is concerned. Would you like to try and tell me what difference there is between my protection of my baby and yours in regards to Michael? You might want to take a minute and think before you answer. And while you're at it... lower your voice. I do not wish my child to witness her father's inability to control his temper before she even enters the world."   
  
Sonny's palms were itching. His anger had reached the level where previously only an act of physical release would help. Raising his hands he placed them on the back of his neck where the tension was most pronounced and began massaging slowly. He knew he needed to gain control of his emotions. He began to assess where the anger was coming from in hopes that he could bring it under control. He drew a deep breath and went to stand in front of the window releasing it slowly. Closing his eyes he began moving the emotion out of the way in order to get to the facts. Finally reaching the center of what caused him to erupt, Sonny's head fell forward. He was afraid; afraid that in his own world it was more dangerous for him to have a child than it was for AJ or Carly... afraid that he would be unable to keep his daughter and his son safe... and finally he understood that Alexis did the only thing she could given his treatment of her.   
  
Alexis kept her eyes on Sonny. A few moments passed while he stood in front of the window and when she saw his shoulders give way and his head fall forward she got up and went to stand beside him.   
  
"What is it, Sonny? What are you thinking?"   
  
Instead of looking at her his gaze settled on the grounds outside the window. He was not able to meet her eyes but she saw the tears that suddenly formed in his eyes. His voice was filled with sorrow when he finally spoke.  
  
"There's a part of me that wishes I didn't know she was mine. But I do know and I can't walk away. She is a part of me... she has already staked a claim on me. I can't walk away, Alexis. As much as I probably should... I just can't."   
  
"I didn't ask you to, Sonny. I know what this child means to you. As much as I adore her and need her in my life, I know you love her and need her as well.   
  
Watching Sonny's face grow more solemn, Alexis reached toward him and touched him lightly needing to give him something that would lessen the pain he was feeling.   
  
"Sonny, listen to me. Look at me."   
  
Alexis placed her hand under his chin and tried to force his eyes up to hers. He resisted her attempt and kept his eyes directed down toward the floor. She spoke quietly knowing that her words would do more for him than her touch would this time.   
  
"Sonny, you were there the first time I heard our little girl's heartbeat. You heard it also. You were there, Sonny."   
  
Sonny looked up as what Alexis was telling him finally sank into his consciousness and he remembered another time... another place.   
  
"I went to the hospital... into the exam room where Carly was. I heard the sound of a baby's heart beating. It sounded so... amazing... it was a... a beautiful sound. I told her to listen... she got more upset... that was **_my_** child?   
  
"Yes, Sonny. I was the patient in the next room."   
  
Alexis saw a tear finally fall down the side of his cheek and her heart ached for what she kept from him. Steeling herself to continue, she went back to the sofa and sat down to finish the story as Sonny followed her and took his place beside her once more.   
  
"After you left that day, the day you accepted Ned's explanation... I turned on him and slapped him with such anger that I am surprised he stuck around. I was angry with him for taking control of my life away from me. But, I think I was more angry at you than I was at him."   
  
Alexis knew that what he was fixing to hear from her was going to be hard for him to hear... harder than anything she had said yet. So in an effort to make it easier for him she dropped her voice to a quieter, gentler tone and continued.   
  
"You once told me that you were tired of having to explain yourself to people that should know you. Well, I completely understand that now. After all we shared together of each other, for you to think that I would go back to Ned... that I would do something so out of character... hurt my sister in such a manner. At first, I thought maybe you were just playing along. It was easier to think that you were rather than have to accept that in the final analysis you thought so little of me. When you accepted that lie you put me into the same category as women of Carly's moral fiber. It hurt... more than you could ever imagine. It made the decision to accept Ned's lie a lot easier. Then Kristina involved herself in the whole mess and I ended up losing her to it. She was so hurt. She couldn't believe that her big sister, the one she spent years trying to find would betray her so horribly. Right before you walked into her hospital room the day she died I told her the truth. And being the wonderful, loving and compassionate woman she was... she forgave me. In the end she kept my secret out of love for me. Her capacity to love and forgive still amazes me to this day. What I wouldn't give for my own daughter to have a heart like my little sister's."   
  
During her discourse of the facts as she knew them, Alexis did not hear a single sound from Sonny. Her own tears of loss and pain kept her head downcast. When she finished her story silence filled the room. She couldn't even hear Sonny breathing. She glanced his way and felt her heart fall into the pit of her stomach. His face was buried in hands that trembled from the grief consuming him. She watched him stand slowly and turn away from her. She saw just enough of his face before he turned away to see the wetness on his cheeks. Her eyes followed him as he stumbled toward the door. He stopped a moment to regain his step then continued. She couldn't let him leave like this... not this time. She needed to know what he was thinking... needed him to stay with her. She whispered just loud enough for him to hear her.   
  
"Sonny... don't leave me again."


	83. Chapter 83

  
**_ Chapter 83_**   
  
_"Sonny… don't leave me again."_   
  
Words spoken so softly he almost missed them brought him to a complete halt. He stood there unsure of what to do. He hurt her more than he could possibly have realized and still she called to him. Without turning he tried to tell her what was going through his mind.   
  
"I never really knew how much I hurt you until now. I can't do it again, Alexis. I won't. You mean too much to me to let that happen again. I would rather walk out of here right now than take the chance of hurting you like that again."   
  
Alexis went to him and gently pulled him into the circle of her arms. She could feel him shaking with the barely concealed anger and torment he was feeling toward himself. He was talking out of the emotion of the moment and she could only guess at the amount of guilt he was feeling to willingly make a decision to walk away. If she allowed him to leave there was no telling what would happen to them and she couldn't risk that. She needed him... loved him too much to let him walk away again. Knowing his anger wasn't directed at her she began to run her hands up and down his back to comfort him all the while speaking softly into his ear. She had to find a way to ease the pain he was feeling and take his mind off of his guilt for a while until they could work through the problem.   
  
"Sonny, it's over. We have both hurt each other tremendously. The only thing left for us to do is leave it all behind and start over. Do you really want to walk away from this... from what we feel for each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if we could have made a life together? I don't want to walk away, Sonny. I want the chance to be happy. I want the chance... I need the chance to build a life with someone I care about; and I want that someone to be you. But, I won't force you into a decision that you are not ready to make. I will, however, ask you to put all of this aside for a while and fix your daughter and I some lunch?"   
  
She felt him stiffen in her arms and then miraculously begin to chuckle. She felt his hands come up hesitantly and pull her arms from around him. Looking into his eyes, the pain was still there, but she also saw a faint glimmer of hope. Attempting to further ease the tension in the room she questioned him again.   
  
"Does this mean we get fed?"   
  
"By all means; one lunch coming up for two hungry ladies. Want to help?"   
  
"Not really, but I'd love to watch."   
  
Sonny reached down and took her hand in his carefully as if she would break at his touch and drew her toward the kitchen. Just as he reached the door he turned to her with a look of concern.   
  
"Can we not talk about any of this for the next hour. I just need some time to think."   
  
"That's fine Sonny, as long as you don't brood."   
  
"I don't brood. I think."   
  
"You brood."   
  
"Stop arguing with me and come on. Let's see what we have that we can throw together."   
  
"You're going to throw something together?"   
  
"Yeah, why."   
  
"Aren't you afraid you might mess up?"   
  
"Well, if I left it up to you to throw something together, then I would definitely expect there to be a mess."   
  
"That's not funny."   
  
"Actually, it's quite funny, especially with that look on your face. Such an offensive look for a statement of pure fact."   
  
"You're skating on thin ice, buster."   
  
"What? You actually trying to tell me that you learned how to cook when I wasn't looking?"   
  
"No, I'm not saying that at all. Why would I even consider such an idea when I have enough people around me to take care of that particular chore without my help?"   
  
"You plan on carting Joy and Johnny around everywhere you go from now on?"   
  
"Now there's an idea. I could do worse you know."   
  
"Yeah, I know. But, who wants to willingly admit having to hire someone to come in just to cook for them everyday? I mean, you really want people to know just how thoroughly inept you are in the kitchen?"   
  
Alexis tried with every ounce of willpower she possessed to keep from laughing. She missed their bantering, the easy jockeying for the best and quickest come back. Not willing to let his last remark pass, she picked up the nearest thing to her and threw it at him. The slightly damp towel hit him right in the back of the head as he turned toward the refrigerator and he bent over laughing at her willingness to join him in making a difficult time easier. Catching the towel as it fell from him, he turned and tossed it back her way.   
  
"Now, Now. It's not smart to aggravate the cook off before he even gets started."   
  
For the next couple of hours, Sonny and Alexis worked together to keep all of their issues at bay until they could both regain a level of control and try to discern just where they each stood now that some of the problems were out in the open.   
  
Finally, lifting his napkin to wipe his mouth, Sonny asked Alexis if they could take a walk. They had spent the last half hour in silence trying to figure out what they needed to deal with next. For Sonny, there was no choice. Moments later as they exited the building, Sonny took her hand in his and began walking toward the south lawn. He still hadn't spoken yet.   
  
It was not hard for Alexis to know that Sonny needed time to build himself up to unburden what held him so captive. Something she said as she told him the events surrounding the realization of her pregnancy sent him into a tailspin. She wasn't sure exactly what it was, but she had a real good idea. If she was right, it was something that he was going to have to deal with if they were going to make it together. So she walked along beside him and waited patiently.   
  
"If I had stayed with you that day instead of going back to Carly... looking back now, I know you and I wouldn't have made it. You were right, Alexis. Through my own stupidity and need to keep things easy, I did lump you in with all the other women I've known. I didn't do it consciously, but I did do it. It was easier than to accept that you lied to me and didn't trust me as much as I thought you did. But more than anything, if I had pushed it and found out the truth, then I would have to face the fact that the woman I trusted more than myself finally betrayed me and it would once again confirm that I was not fit to be a father. I couldn't do it. I made up every excuse I could to keep myself from questioning what you told me. It was easier to believe that you went to Ned."   
  
The anguish and regret that emanated from Sonny reached the core of Alexis. She wanted to do something to ease his pain, but knew nothing would be resolved if she did. Sonny needed to face that part of himself that was willing to think the worse of those he loved rather than question his own motives or actions. So she kept quiet and continued to listen.   
  
"I didn't even try to look at your side of it. To do that would mean that it was possible that I did something wrong. I don't admit being wrong easily."   
  
Sonny heard a small noise come from Alexis and knew what she was thinking.   
  
"Ok, so I don't admit to it all. I know that. It's one of those things that I always thought made a man weak. It doesn't though, does it?"   
  
"No Sonny, it doesn't."   
  
"That's what I thought you would say."   
  
Sonny grew quiet. He needed to tell her what he now knew in his heart, but he was afraid to. Giving someone personal information was like giving him or her ammunition to use against you. He looked over at her and watched her raise her eyes to meet his. What he saw made him catch his breath. With everything he already told her, she was looking at him as if he held her world in his hands, when in truth it was actually Alexis who held his world. Looking away he found that they were just passing their favorite bench and he gently led her to it. Sitting down beside her he let go of his need to protect himself and told her the fear that kept him up at night now.   
  
"I don't want to lose you, Alexis. But, I'm afraid that something will happen and you'll walk away again. For the first time in my life I know that I am not my own. There is someone else who has the ability to take me down without even raising a hand against me. All she has to do is walk away. I tried to make a go of it with Carly because she couldn't hurt me the way you can. Carly was safe. I tried to turn off what I felt for you... I ran from it. Do you know what it's like for someone to mean so much to you that you have to hide yourself from it because you know being with them is too much to hope for? You'll do just about anything to keep yourself from thinking about that person."   
  
Alexis lifted her hand and placed it on Sonny's cheek as tears of compassion and love fell down her face.   
  
"How could I not know, Sonny? Look at where I am. I ran just as hard as you did. I succeeded in escaping what I felt for you... so much so that when I finally did allow myself to remember my past, I remembered everything but you and Kristina. I couldn't remember her without remembering you and I couldn't remember you without remembering her. You were the two people in my whole world who were my life... you both kept me grounded. When I lost both of you... I lost myself. I was so angry that you couldn't see what I needed. You were there so many times for me; you were my foundation... the rock I built my life around. But we both let so much get between us that we could no longer depend on the connection we shared. All those hateful things I said to you at Kristina's service... it was so much more than just my grief over her loss. I allowed my anger to become so out of control that I couldn't control my words. In the end I justified what I felt... what I said because in the final analysis you chose that varmint over me."   
  
"That varmint?" Sonny choked trying to keep from laughing outright.   
  
"Johnny's description, not mine."   
  
"Perfect description."   
  
Each needing to take a breather for a moment, they sat in silence for a while processing all that had been covered between them. There was still that one thing nagging at Sonny and he didn't know whether to approach it yet or not. Giving both of them a few moments more to rest he then quietly began to thread his way to the source of what he needed to know from Alexis.   
  
"Alexis, while you were busy jumping through hoops to keep me from knowing about my daughter... were you really protecting her from me or were you protecting yourself from me?"   
  
Sonny felt her grow tense beside him and didn't know whether he should press the issue or not. He could tell by the look on her face that she was trying to formulate her response in a way that would give him an answer, but also keep from hurting him anymore.   
  
"Sonny, with all that happened, I was feeling so much anger and hurt that I couldn't tell where what I did for my daughter left off and what I did for myself took over. You more than anyone know how I handle the, shall we say, calamities of life."   
  
"Yeah, I know. I guess what I'm trying to get at... what bothers me most... Alexis, every time I look at you; it doesn't matter what we're doing, what's going on... there's always... I mean... damn. I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time with this. Well, that's not exactly true. I do know. I just don't think I'm going to like the answer."   
  
With all that the two of them had already discussed, it concerned Alexis that Sonny all of a sudden seemed to be at a loss. She reached for him and took his hand in hers.   
  
"Sonny, just say it. It's ok. I'll answer as honestly as I know how. I think we've been through enough to be able to start trusting each other again."   
  
"I do trust you, Alexis. It's just... I don't know if I can handle much more honesty from you today. Together we've pretty much clinched the fact that sleep is not going to come easy tonight for me. But, there's this one thing that I have... need to know."   
  
"Tell me, Sonny. Tell me what it is that has you so disturbed."   
  
Sonny took a deep breath and focused his sight on her hand that still held his.   
  
"Every time I look into your eyes, I see questions. I don't mean the kind of everyday questions one expects during the course of a day. This is different. It's so... I don't know. It's like you're always questioning me without actually saying the words. Kind of like you want answers to questions you're afraid to ask. I just want to know what it means."   
  
The question stunned Alexis. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but at that moment had no idea how to answer him. She squeezed his hand then left her seat to walk a few steps away from him. She needed a moment to figure out the best way to answer him. Looking back at him, she saw him waiting patiently and smiled her thanks for his willingness to give her time to formulate an answer. She wasn't entirely sure she wanted to answer him... it was a risk. Because he was able to see what others did not... to answer him... to give him that insight would take away her ability to keep her most private thoughts to herself. Reaching up she pulled a leaf from a low hanging branch and began to very carefully shred it. There really wasn't an alternative. He recognized the window and needed to know what he saw through it. She answered him.   
  
"Every relationship I have ever had in my life, whether it was personal, familial or whatever... I have been hurt by it. So much so that becoming involved with anyone is a risk for me… one that I don't handle well at all. I did not plan on falling in love with you... it just happened. But, once again, my heart is out there on the line. Somewhere inside me there is this... this certainty that I am going to get hurt again. It is as real to me as you are right now sitting on that bench. And it doesn't matter whether it is a family member, a friend or something more... the fear of being hurt stems from the fact that I've never been able to completely trust anyone that I allowed myself to get close to. The other party never entered into the relationship as committed to it as I did. I came closer with you than anyone I've ever known and it just about destroyed me. So when I ask you how could there not be a reason for you to see questions or fear in my eyes, it is something I would expect you to understand given what we've been through together. Sonny, our eyes are the windows to our souls. It is a credit to you that you do see those questions. They have always been there no matter who I was with, but you are the first to recognize it and call me on it. Kristina knew she was seeing something when she looked at me, but she was so intent on creating a new life for me, she didn't stop long enough to try and understand what she was seeing. And lest you think I am alone, you need to know; I see the same questions in your eyes that you see in mine. The difference between us is I recognized what I was seeing in you because it was so much a part of me."   
  
"If that is true, then why didn't I recognize what I was seeing in you like you did with me? Why couldn't I see it?   
  
"The way you and I deal with the traumas in our life are quite similar. The one real difference is where you tend to brood... I analyze. If something is not working for me, I tear it apart and find out the why's and wherefore's until I'm satisfied. I think where you differ is that when something goes wrong for you... you tend to center on the result. You get stuck on the merry-go-round of feelings. All you see is the hurt, the betrayal, the anger. You don't take it any further than the emotion. It is a vicious circle for you that keeps you from experiencing the freedom of positive relationships... the freedom of forgiveness."   
  
"I'm not entirely sure I agree with you."   
  
"Ok, let's try an example. Uhmm... Ok, what about Zander. And before you go jumping down my throat, just listen to me for a minute. For whatever reason, Zander looked up to you. You were some kind of a hero to him. This boy comes to Port Charles... he's on his own, we have no idea what kind of past has sent him on the run, he gets involved with Sorel and you know the rest. But, because of all that you and I did for him, he began looking on us as, shall we say, benefactors of a sort. Ok, he screws up... what happens? You bail on him. He retaliates in the only way he knows how. He feels that you have abandoned him. He's a boy, scared, on the run, needing to belong somewhere... and where he once felt he had someone he could look up to... someone who cared about him enough to help him; that someone turned his back on him. It became quite clear to me just how much he wanted you in his life the day I tried to tell you about your daughter. His words to me were, 'The mighty Jason Morgan is back. He doesn't need me anymore. He's got Carly and Jason. He doesn't need either one of us anymore.' The rift between you and Zander didn't have to happen. If you had just gotten past the emotion of betrayal and tried to understand where he was coming from enough to help him, you two could have maintained your relationship. Sonny, he was willing to do anything for you. He was devoted to you and you walked away. Sweetheart, you lost your chance to be a father figure to a boy who desperately needed you."   
  
"He wasn't my responsibility."   
  
"No, he wasn't. But he was also not unlike another little boy who so many years ago stood at the front window waiting for a father to love him enough to come home."   
  
With that one final statement, she got to him. He understood. Zander was almost an exact replica of himself when he was a boy. He remembered his own desire to be able to look up to someone... to be important to someone... to be wanted. His need led him to Joe Scully who took him in then used him for his own purposes, just as Sonny had used Zander.   
  
"I blew it, didn't I?"


	84. Chapter 84

  
**_ Chapter 84_**   
  
_"I blew it, didn't I?" _His question was laced with the voice of regret.   
  
"Only if you don't rectify the situation. It's never too late to try to make amends with those we have wronged, Sonny. Like with you where Courtney and Mike are concerned."   
  
Sonny looked up in shock then shook his head sheepishly.   
  
"Kevin has a big mouth."   
  
"Excuse me. I would prefer having the chance to defend myself against false allegations, or is it accusations... counselor?"   
  
Both Sonny and Alexis turned at the sound of Kevin's voice. They were so engrossed in their conversation they had not heard him join them. Sonny stood so that he didn't feel such a disadvantage by Kevin's height as he drew to a standstill beside him.   
  
"It is a statement of fact. You do have a big mouth."   
  
"True. True. I apologize for disturbing you, but something has come up that I need to attend to and I won't be around for the rest of the day, so..."   
  
Kevin smiled at the two of them and turned his attention to Alexis. Raising his hand he handed her a manila folder.   
  
"What's this?"   
  
"Those are your preliminary discharge forms. Take them back to your room with you. I want you to look them over, read all of the fine print, answer the questionnaire and return it to me in the morning around 9:00 where you and I will sit down and discuss what has been for me your astounding and remarkable stay with us."   
  
If it was possible to look both dumbfounded and skeptical at the same time, that was the expression Kevin witnessed on Alexis' face and he laughed delightedly.   
  
"Don't you think it's time we started discussing your departure from this fortress of solitude?"   
  
Stammering over her words, Alexis tried to answer.   
  
"Uhmm... Yes.... Uhm... I mean, right... Are you sure? I mean... you wouldn't be trying to pull a fast one just to see how I'll react... would you?"   
  
It was the most unbelievable thing. She should have been absolutely ecstatic at the prospect of leaving this 'prison', but she found that her most prominent feeling was fear. And she had no clue why. Looking past Kevin toward Sonny, she almost burst out laughing at the grin on his face. If her fear had not been so paramount, she would have. She refocused on Kevin when she heard him speak again.   
  
"Alexis, when you come by in the morning we will discuss the fact that the most normal thing for you to feel right now is fear."   
  
At that Alexis did indeed laugh outright. Leave it to Kevin to get right to the heart of a matter.   
  
"Anything else, Mr. PsychoBabble?"   
  
"Actually yes and it applies to both of you. Alexis, I don't want you to have any company tonight. I want your absolute attention paid to that folder in your hand. And before either one of you come at me with your displeasure at my request; I need you to remember that if I'm not satisfied with what I see and hear over the next 24 hours... well, your departure will only be delayed."   
  
Sonny tensed. He didn't like what he was hearing.   
  
"Kevin, you sound like you're threatening or maybe blackmailing Alexis. It sounds like she either performs the way you want her to or she gets punished. She's had enough of that from the rest of us. You might want to rethink what you just said."   
  
"Well, Well. If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I wouldn't have believed it. Good for you, Sonny. I didn't hear one ounce of 'Sonny love' in that statement. But, my statement remains the same as her physician. She and I have to be on the same page in order for us both to get what we need in order to complete her processing."   
  
"Uh... excuse me. Gentlemen? Hey, over here. It is in fact me that you two are discussing. Would you mind not speaking as if I were absent? And it's fine, Kevin. We'll do this your way. And no arguments from you, Sonny."   
  
Sonny backed down. As much as he wanted to spend the rest of the day with her, it was her decision to make. And the primary goal was to get Alexis back home where she belonged. At that moment he wanted her home more than anything else he ever wanted In his whole life outside of her loving him.   
  
"Ok, Alexis. We do this your way. As much as I would like to stay with you, I think it would be better for me to go home this evening. I'm not sure I could restrain myself from staying away from your door."   
  
The smile that appeared on Alexis' face took his breath away. There was so much in that one smile that separating and defining exactly what he saw was impossible. But what reached down and grabbed his heart the most was what he saw in her eyes. For the briefest of moments... quicker than a wink; the questions that he had grown accustomed to seeing disappeared just long enough for him to get a glimpse of what would have been if Alexis had never known any grief, loss or pain in her life. It was a sight that Sonny would cherish for the rest of his life. With every fiber in him he wanted to reach out to her in that moment and hold on to her. He wanted to promise her that nothing bad would ever happen to her again... that he would willingly give his last breath if it meant her life would become all that she ever wished it to be. But, with arms that ached with need he held them still, hanging loosely by his side. Time... they needed time. And he had one final question for Alexis. It was a question that never would have occurred to him at any time during his life... a question that should have been asked... and asked often. Today he would ask her... and he would ask her again tomorrow... and the next day... and every day after that God willing. He waited patiently for Kevin to complete his instructions to Alexis and then take his leave. As soon as Kevin turned his back on them and walked away, Sonny took Alexis' hand in his own and pulled her back to the bench and sat down with her. He closed his eyes briefly and called to the forefront of his mind his favorite image of her and let himself be calmed.   
  
Alexis watched fascinated as she witnessed Sonny close his eyes and the tiniest of smiles grace his face. Whatever he was doing within the walls of his mind washed away every line, every hint of worry... anger... fear; whatever he saw left her wanting to reach out and touch a face void of life's cruelty. In his face she saw the perfection of absolute peace and couldn't resist the urge to touch him. Taking her hand from his she reached up and with an almost imperceptible touch caressed his cheek. When he opened his eyes to her touch, she gasped. Eyes that were normally dark and foreboding... chilled and suspicious looked at her with such love... such adoration that her breath caught. Closing her eyes she rested in the moment. As she sat there simply enjoying the fact that she was alive and with Sonny a strange feeling came over her. Opening her eyes she lifted them upward trying to figure out what she was feeling. Just as her sight reached the expanse of the heavens she caught sight of an eagle in flight above them. And in her heart Alexis took flight and rode on the wings of a bird for the first time in her life. Her heart soared up into the clouds and opened its doors where all of the hurt and pain she suffered over the last few years fell away from her and at last she recognized what she was feeling. For the first time in her life, Alexis felt truly free. And it was Sonny who made it happen.   
  
He couldn't get enough of simply watching her. As she witnessed his transformation... he was now witnessing hers and still... his arms ached. Her face as it looked toward heaven took on a brilliance he never thought possible in this woman of such depth and intrigue. In that moment as if time perfected and orchestrated the movement, two that forever were destined to be one reached for each other. Arms that ached... arms that had felt barren since that one night so long ago it seemed... were now completely filled and in perfect unison... they exhaled.   
  
And still there remained one question for this, their first day.   
  
Sonny pulled away first and gazed intently at Alexis.   
  
"I need to ask you a question. A question that no matter where we are or whatever happens between us... I will begin every day for the rest of my life with this one question. Alexis, what do you need from me today?"   
  
Tears of joy fell from her face. Tears that helped release the feeling of being so full one could imagine themselves bursting open with the intensity of it. And Alexis opened her heart even more to accept that which only Sonny could give her.   
  
"I just need you to love me... Love me enough to let me be a part of your life. Love me enough to let me be myself… enough so that whenever I look up and see an eagle flying above... or a squirrel jumping tree limbs I no longer have to wish I knew what it felt like because your love made it a reality for me. Just love me the way you do right now, Sonny."   
  
"That's the one thing I can't give you, Alexis. Loving you the way I do right now is not enough. I want more. I want to love you more every day we are together. I won't be satisfied until that is a truth that I can some day share with you after having spent the rest of my life with you. I want you to always feel as free as you look right now. How do I help make that a reality for you?"   
  
Alexis would always remember this day. The day Sonny willingly and wholly laid down his life for someone else. And he laid it down for her. Sonny was giving himself to her in every way he knew how... dedicating himself to her for the rest of his life. And her heart overflowed.   
  
"Sonny, you have to stop. I don't know if I can take much more of this. It feels like I'm going to come apart at the seams. I've never in my life known a feeling like this before. I never thought it was possible for someone to reach so far into my heart and find a place I never knew existed. I don't know what our future holds; what I do know is that I want it to be with you. I'm not looking for a commitment... I don't know that I'm ready for one myself. What I do know is that I want you in my life. You and I are going to have days when all we do is fight... we are both too stubborn and headstrong not to. But, I love you and even as I say that to you I know that those words mean so much more to me now than they ever have before. I know more about myself now and it's giving me the freedom to be able to be more open with you and more importantly with myself. I am more because I know more and I don't want to stop learning. I still have questions about myself... but I'm satisfied that the answers will come when the time is right. I think you probably still have a lot of questions yourself."   
  
"Yeah, I think I'm going to talk to Kevin about setting up a few appointments for after we leave here. There are a few things that still need to be resolved and even though I know I will be better because of it... I think that right now it's more important to me that you don't have to worry about how I'm going to react about things that come up."   
  
"You sure do seem to be getting into this therapy thing. What's gotten into you?"   
  
"You did. And for the first time since my mother died, I can remember who she was before everything fell apart. I can see her as my mother and not as the woman who was beaten to death. I can sit and talk to Mike now. Sure it's tense, but it'll get better. You're right about me getting caught up in feelings. In fact you were right about a lot of things. I just couldn't see it because it was too close. I guess I needed somebody who wasn't so close to help me get past the garbage and get to the real stuff. Before you and I split, it was you that kept me questioning myself. But even then, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention. I don't know, Kevin has this way of getting to you."   
  
"Don't I know it? The man is absolutely a pain in the... well you get my drift. However, I do agree with you; he does have his methods. I can't see myself coming back here, but I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with him to do so."   
  
"Well, you do what you think is best and I'll stand with you on whatever you decide. But, right now I have some shopping to do. I'm going to cook dinner tonight for everyone before I leave which means I need to make a trip to the store. And if I might make a suggestion to you... I figure you probably didn't sleep too well last night so why don't you take a nap this afternoon. If you are indeed about to be sprung from place it might not be such a bad idea to rest as much as possible while you're still here. How was that? Not too pushy or bossy was it?"   
  
Alexis laughed at the look of sincerity on his face. She loved him for trying to change the way he handled her, but she didn't want him to change so much that she didn't recognize him. 

  
"Sonny, relax. I don't want you to constantly be questioning everything you say or do around me. I love you. I've loved you for a long time. We'll work everything out and settle into a nice routine. What I don't want is to have to wonder every minute of the day if what you say or do is what you really want or what you think I want. Let's both relax and let everything happen naturally, ok?"   
  
"Ok. But, I still think you should take a nap this afternoon."   
  
Alexis laughed again and caught his face between her hands and kissed him quickly before letting go... embarrassed by her sudden boldness.   
  
"And this time I happen to agree with you. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I am tired. So, while you're doing your shopping thing I think I will take a nap. I wonder when Johnny and Joy will be back. Do you know where they went? They didn't say what they were going to do today."   
  
"Alexis."   
  
"I hope they're having a good time. They do deserve it you know. I'll just bet they are going to be so relieved to find out they are almost free of me and being tied down to this place. I know Johnny will probably be glad to get back to some semblance of a normal life... "   
  
"A...Alexis, hey. Alexis, breathe."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Oh nothing. You just took off on another one of those nervous tangents again. I thought maybe it would be a good idea for you to take a breath before you passed out on me. One of these days I hope you will be able to feel comfortable enough with me that you won't think twice about kissing me. And yes... "   
  
Alexis blushed profusely and ducked her head then realizing he hadn't finished his last statement looked back up.   
  
"Yes, what?"   
  
Sonny grinned widely at the absolutely adorable look on her face. The last vestiges of embarrassment had not yet receded before her curiosity took over. She had such a beautifully expressive face. He could spend hours watching her and still not catch all of her many varied expressions. She was a wonder to him; a woman of substance and depth that one could spend a lifetime with and still be caught by surprise.   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
Alexis frowned as he appeared not to have heard her.   
  
"Sonny. What's wrong?"   
  
Hearing her call brought Sonny out of his daze.   
  
"Nothing. I was just daydreaming about you."   
  
"Sonny, that doesn't make sense. I'm sitting right here beside you."   
  
"Yes, you are. And that's where I want you when I'm a hundred years old. Sitting right beside me close enough that my poor eyesight will still be able to see your beautiful face... close enough that I can reach out and touch you with arthritic hands that for a lifetime had nothing better to do than reach for you. I want you close enough that I don't have to call for you, that I won't have to look up to know you're right beside me... I'll know because during our time together it became the most natural thing in the world for us to be inseparable. I want my daughter to know how much I love her mother. And I want her to know that my life began with her mother. I want her to know a peace and security that her mother and father never had. I want you and I to know that same peace and security. I want us to be able to look into the eyes of our daughter and know we did the best that we could for her. Alexis, I want you for the rest of my life and I want you to know that from this moment on you will be my first and highest priority."   
  
Alexis couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough. She reached for him and pulled him into her arms and simply held on. For a man who professed to be inept with sharing his innermost feelings, he gave her all that she ever wanted in the space of a few moments. There was not one single doubt remaining of Sonny's love for her. At the age of 35, Alexis was finally loved as she always dreamed of being loved. Pulling away from him she attempted to return his declaration of love.   
  
"Sonny, I... "   
  
And he stopped her. He gently placed his fingertips against her lips.   
  
"No. I don't want you to say anything. I know how much you love me. I know that you will give everything you've got to this relationship. I know that you will spend your days trying to fulfill every need you think I have. And right now, that is enough for me. What I want from you right now in this moment is to just accept my words and know they come from a heart that's coming alive again. That's all I want right now. Can you give me that? Can you let me be the one to give this time without feeling the need to give back?"   
  
"Only if you'll let me have a chance at a later date to respond."   
  
"I can do that."   
  
Alexis leaned toward Sonny again and lay her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She felt his arms embrace her and it felt natural; as if there were no where else she belonged. She was home. Sitting in the middle of an institution for the mentally disabled, far away from the city... Alexis felt at home... in Sonny's arms. And she sighed contentedly.   
  
"In the city."   
  
Alexis looked up to see what Sonny was talking about.   
  
"What?"   
  
"That's where Johnny and Joy are."   
  
"You spoke to them?"   
  
"Yep. This morning. As a wedding gift, since they are not ready to buy a home, I paid the first year of rent for them. They'll be living in your apartment building."   
  
Alexis sat up straight with a huge grin on her face.   
  
"Are you serious?"   
  
"Yep. They've been doing some moving today and should be back sometime around 5 or 6 tonight. So, I think we should get you inside for your nap so I can go round up what I will need for dinner. That ok with you?"   
  
"Sounds wonderful."


	85. Chapter 85

**_  Chapter 85_**   
  
Sonny returned from the store a couple of hours before Joy and Johnny came in from their day out together. Rather than take the chance on waking Alexis, he let himself into her suite quietly and silently deposited his armload in the kitchen before going to check on her.   
  
He stood unmoving in her doorway and drank in the sight of her as she lay sleeping peacefully. In slumber Alexis looked tranquil; magically all of the lines of worry, unease and apprehension fell away and the tiniest of smiles graced her face. One hand lie beneath her cheek while the other lay close against her chest. Catching sight of something clutched within her hand, Sonny looked closer and realized it was some kind of paper with graphs on it. With it held so close to her heart, Sonny knew it must mean a great deal to her and speculated a moment as to its importance to her. He made a mental note to ask her at a later date. Letting his gaze take in the wonder of her, his heart filled with the need to touch her. Quietly approaching the end of the bed, he leaned forward and carefully crawled up beside her. Laying down beside her she began to stir and he whispered in her ear...   
  
"No, don't move, it's just me. I couldn't resist the urge to just hold you for a while. Go back to sleep, Alexis. I just want to hold you that's all."   
  
Feeling his arms go around her and pull her close to his chest, Alexis sighed contentedly. And just before sleep claimed her again, she whispered with a voice low and unintentionally seductive...   
  
"You feel good... "   
  
Sonny smiled and kissed her just behind her ear. Relaxing into the feel of her, Sonny wrapped his arms tighter around her, closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Laying there beside her, all of his dreams... every want... every desire... everything he ever wanted before Alexis entered his life faded away. He now held within the circle of his arms his life... the reason for his existence... his world. As he relaxed his arms and settled them more comfortably around her he suddenly felt something move beneath his arm. Instantly realizing what he felt, he moved his hand up to rest where he again felt the movement and a tear slipped from the corner of his eye and dropped to the pillow beneath his head. His child... his very own flesh and blood... his little girl... his and Alexis'. His baby girl was making herself known to her daddy unaware of the tears that flowed from eyes softened by the love of a woman who forgave him and was now teaching him how to forgive. Trying desperately to control the trembling of his body so as not to waken Alexis, Sonny lost himself in a moment of pure joy at the gifts he had been given.   
  
In sleep Alexis felt her child move within her and let go of the CT scan that Johnny gave her only few days before and joined her hand with the one that gently caressed the wee babe that lay within the comfort of her mother's womb. Their child... hers and Sonny's... her small beautiful family... entwining her fingers with his she dropped into a deeper sleep satisfied that her family was together, safe and happy. 

***************  
  
Alexis sat in Kevin's waiting room the next morning patiently waiting for him to arrive. She arrived early on purpose. Joy and Johnny were understandably on cloud nine this morning after setting up their first home together the day before. She was so happy for them; their excitement was incredibly infectious and Alexis wanted to enjoy it with them, but this morning she simply wanted some quiet time to reflect on the previous evening's activities.   
  
Sonny surpassed himself in the meal he prepared for the four of them. He and Johnny worked together in the kitchen while Alexis and Joy sat in the living room talking about nothing in particular. They were simply enjoying being two women with sometimes-varied interests and at times being thrilled to find they shared some of the same interests. Alexis couldn't remember a time in her life that she felt so completely happy and fulfilled. She was in awe of the absolute unfamiliar feeling of being so content. She held onto it in her heart because she knew there would come a time in her life, in both her life and Sonny's that she would need to be able to recall this feeling. She understood and accepted that she was born into a life of uncertainty. There was nothing she could do to change it; it was simply a fact that had to be accepted. As she and Joy sat there discussing what type of décor Alexis wanted in little Kristina's nursery she heard Sonny's deep rumbling laugh and before she could stop it found herself smiling at the pure enjoyment she heard in his voice. Bringing her attention back to Joy, she blushed at being caught letting her attention be drawn away from their conversation then chuckled at Joy's response.   
  
"You know, Alexis, I don't think I've ever heard him laugh like that before. He has a beautiful laugh."   
  
"Yes, he does. Care to know a little secret just between us girls?"   
  
"Spill it, girlfriend... "   
  
Alexis couldn't believe she was fixing to express what she was thinking.   
  
"That sound literally makes me come unglued inside."   
  
Joy laughed and lightly tapped Alexis on the arm.   
  
"As if that were any secret judging by the look on your face, Alexis Davis. You couldn't hide anything you felt deep in your soul where Sonny is concerned if you tried. You're just like an old sponge. You'll soak up anything where that man is concerned."   
  
Alexis leaned back and laughed till her sides hurt. It was so good to feel alive and completely loved. Her laughter died as she spotted Sonny peeking around the corner to see what was going on. The look on his face melted her insides.   
  
"You wouldn't happen to be eavesdropping on a private conversation would you, Mr. Corinthos?"   
  
"Not me, Ms. Davis. I just wanted to get a look at that beautiful face of yours again. I missed it. You sound like you're having fun."   
  
"I am. Now go on about your business. This is girl talk and men aren't allowed."   
  
"Ok, I'll buy that for a little longer, but then it's my turn again. Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes. Okay with you?"   
  
"Perfect."   
  
As Sonny turned to go back to the kitchen he heard her call softly...   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
Turning back he found her face slightly flushed and he raised his eyes questioningly.   
  
"I love you."   
  
His grin complete with dimples blazing thrilled her heart.   
  
"Back at ya, sweetness. 15 minutes?"   
  
"Can't wait."   
  
Alexis watched him disappear and turned back to Joy who was doing everything possible to keep from laughing outright.   
  
"What?"   
  
"You two give me a cavity just watching you."   
  
"I beg your pardon?"   
  
"I mean it's just so sweet!"   
  
"Like how you and Johnny have been for the past couple of weeks?  Pot... meet kettle."   
  
Joy couldn't hold it any longer and let it go, laughing hysterically.   
  
"Ok, Ok. So we're both guilty now. I love it. I just simply love it." 

************  
  
Her daydreaming came to an abrupt halt as she felt her shoulder being shaken. Looking up she found Kevin standing beside her.   
  
"Where were you, Alexis? I called your name I know 3 times and you didn't even hear me."   
  
"Hi Kevin. I'm sorry. I was just... oh never mind. You had to be there. Can we get this thing started? I'm a bit anxious to get it over with."   
  
"Sure thing. Come on."   
  
Entering his office they both took their seats and Alexis handed Kevin the folder that contained her preliminary discharge forms. She sat back and waited for him to look it over.   
  
"Alexis you didn't sign your 'Patient Discharge Approval' form. Did you have a problem with it?  

  
"Actually I did. There are a couple of items I'd like to discuss with you."   
  
"What? Are you really going to try and negotiate your release, Alexis?"   
  
"No, just a few of the terms. For instance, why must I come back here once a month for six months? From the looks of it you are already going to be checking up on me whether I agree to it or not."   
  
"Alexis, this is for your own good."   
  
"I've heard that one before. Especially when someone else thinks they know what is best for me. Tell you what, I'll agree to 3 visits somewhere other than Ferncliff. Deal?"   
  
"I'll agree to 5 and make them an 'in home' visit."   
  
"4 'in home' visits and you've got a deal."   
  
"I'll agree to 4 'in home' visits if the negotiating stops here."   
  
Alexis sat back with an exasperated sigh. There were two other items that presented a bit of a problem for her, but the question now became, were the other items more important than the agreed upon 4 remaining visits.  Recalling those items she quickly re-evaluated their importance to her. Providing a schedule of her activities was in her opinion intrusive and meddlesome. However, if she just gave him a general idea... work, home, a few dinners out; she could do that. And the fact that her total release would not occur it seemed for some time was highly irritating. She wanted this experience over.   
  
"Just how long do you expect to hold the date of my final release over my head?"   
  
"As long as it takes to satisfy myself that you are safe from a relapse. At least 4 months at this point. Should everything go well, I should be able to release you on the date of our final appointment."   
  
Alexis put her mind to work again. 'Since I'm going to have to see him another 4 times then I'll just have to make sure that the last appointment goes my way.'   
  
"Fine, we have a deal then. Four 'in home' sessions and I drop the other items."   
  
"Fine. Now, I see you've answered the questionnaire."   
  
Kevin took a moment to look over her answers, shook his head and looked back up at her with a frustrated expression on his face.   
  
"Alexis, what's with the answers... the attitude?" __

  
Alexis returned Kevin's gaze indignantly.   
  
"I answered them as honestly and as forthright as I could. I can't help it if I found the whole thing brainless and demeaning."   
  
"That was not what was intended. The purpose was to see how well you can express yourself in the telling of your experience."   
  
"I thought I did very well in expressing myself. There was only one question on that form that warranted a well thought out answer. And that question was if I understood why I was confined. My answer was 'yes'. Enough said."   
  
Kevin dropped his head into his hands. The woman was absolutely the most frustrating... But, from the moment she walked into his office this morning, he knew that she had taken control of her life back and would not allow him to take advantage of the fact that she was still legally under his care. He was proud of her; proud of the progress she made. Maybe he just needed to give her a break and lighten up on the regulations a bit.   
  
"Alexis, how are you doing? And by that I mean, how well are you processing things now?"   
  
"I happen to think I'm doing extremely well. I understand a lot more about myself than I did before I came here and that is helping to alleviate a lot of the stress I normally live with. I'm fine. Really."   
  
"I imagine it's great to have your confidant back?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"You've gained a couple of good friends."   
  
"Yes."   
  
"You have your memory back and seem to have handled it well."   
  
"Yes.   
  
"Alexis, is that all I'm going to get out of you? One word answers."   
  
"What is it you're looking for, Kevin? I understand what happened to me. I dealt with it. Very well I think. Yes, I gained two very good friends from this experience. And also yes, I'm happy to have Sonny back in my life. What more do you want?"   
  
"Perhaps a little excitement about going home."   
  
"I'm excited. I'm just not jumping up and down. Would you prefer I jump up and down?" 

It finally dawned on Kevin what the problem was.  
  
"Wait, I remember now. I did say we would discuss this fear you have about leaving here, didn't I?"   
  
Alexis stood up and headed toward the window.   
  
"It doesn't make sense to me. Why would I feel fear about leaving when that is the very thing I've wanted ever since I woke up here?"   
  
"Think about it, Alexis. Here you have been protected. In fact, you've never been as safe as you have been here with us. You've been shielded from the outside world. Someone has been with you almost every moment whose only goal was to see to your every need. Every need of yours has been met, sometimes before you even knew what the need was. It is a perfectly normal response to feel fear about walking away from that kind of care. What you have to do is remember the good things you'll be taking with you when you walk out that front door."   
  
"You're right. I owe Johnny. I owe him a lot. I don't know that I could have made it without him. Joy as well."   
  
"You might want to take some time today and let them know that."   
  
"I intend to do just that. Are we done here? Are you actually going to allow me to go home?"   
  
"Yes. You may check out first thing in the morning."   
  
"Why not today?"   
  
"Because I want you to meditate today on what you have accomplished here. I want you to consider your frame of mind before you came here and what it is now. The object is to begin teaching yourself ways to keep yourself from reaching a point so low that your body takes over and does what it needs to in order to survive. Over the next couple of months, I want you to try and stay aware of how you respond to different circumstances. And begin asking yourself if you handled it in a rational manner. Other than that, I would only ask that you slow down and start taking a second look at the things that give you pleasure. And stop being so hard on yourself. But, we'll get to that later."   
  
"That's it?"   
  
"Well just one more thing."   
  
Kevin rose from his chair and reached for her. He pulled her into a big bear hug and squeezed tightly then let go.   
  
"I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. What you have accomplished here in so short a time is remarkable. I'm more impressed with you than I ever was before. You simply amaze me, Alexis. People like you are why I stay in this business. But, I also have a favor to ask of you. I want you to talk to Johnny. I think he could have a future here with us. Something like what he did with you. See if you can get him to come by and talk to me. I'll do whatever I can to help him get started."   
  
Flustered and embarrassed at Kevin's physical demonstration of affection, Alexis shyly reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He did more for her with his request than he could possibly know. If nothing else, taking such an interest in Johnny's future was the one thing he could have done that would secure a place for him in her own heart.   
  
"I'll talk to him today. And thank you, Kevin. Not just for wanting to help Johnny, but for what you've done for me as well. As much as I hate to admit it... you do have a way of getting me to look at things differently. Thank you for all you've done for me while I was here."   
  
"Don't you mean what you would actually allow me to do?"   
  
"I was a little hard on you, but I'm sure you understand why now."   
  
"Yes, I understand why and I'm not offended by it. You did what needed to be done and you did it well. Now all you have to do is take care of yourself and I think you are better equipped now than you were before."   
  
"Yes, I think I am. But, just in case... I would like a copy of that book you loaned me. Can you tell me where I might purchase one?"   
  
Kevin reached behind him and opened his desk drawer and pulled out a brightly wrapped package and handed it to her.   
  
"I thought you might want a copy. So, from me to you as a going away present."   
  
Alexis was astounded and suddenly overcome with a flood of gratitude for Kevin. Reaching for the book a laminated card dropped and swung freely from the ribbon it was attached to. A questioning look crossed her face as she reached for it to see what it was. With a bright, delighted and grateful smile she looked back up at Kevin holding tight to the card that listed her 10 individual rights.   
  
"You do have your ways don't you?"   
  
"I try. Actually, I thought it might come in handy for you."   
  
"Pretty perceptive on your part I think. I'll have to find somewhere to put this where I can read it and study it often. Thank you, Kevin. For the card and the book. I think I got more out of this book than I realized. It kind of sneaks up on you when you're not looking and answers a lot of the questions you've always had about yourself and then some you weren't aware of at all."   
  
"Yes, It does. Now go on and get out of here before you get mushy on me. Take it easy today and just relax. Tomorrow is going to be hectic and emotionally draining for you. So start today preparing yourself."   
  
"I'll do that."   
  
Alexis went to the door and just as she opened it, turned back once and smiled at Kevin. Somewhere deep inside she knew she was going to miss his steady calming presence. She may have given him a hard time, but she knew he was just as committed to her well-being as Johnny was and it allowed her to do what was necessary to pull her life back together. Suddenly needing to give him more...   
  
"I don't take lightly what you did for me, Kevin. And just between the two of us, I will never again doubt the worth of your career choice. Thank you for making a difficult time easier for me. You did what you had to in order for me to get better and I owe you a great deal. I... I just wanted you to know that."   
  
Kevin's eyes lit up and a smile of satisfaction fell on his face. In giving him her acceptance and gratitude for his help, Alexis dispelled any doubts that remained about the level of care he provided her while under his protective watch. She was indeed a marvel and a first class gentlewoman... one that he would look in on from time to time under the guise of professional courtesy. No one need ever know that he had taken such a personal interest in her that he now felt it a privilege and an honor to furtively continue to keep track of her just in case she got into trouble again.   
  
"Go on with you. Next thing you know, you'll be accusing me of getting a swelled head." 

She laughed and lifted her hand to wave once.  
  
"Bye, Kevin."   
  
"See ya."

**If you wish to see the 'Document of Terms' and the 'Patient Questionnaire' with Alexis' answers, I will send them to you through e-mail upon your request.**


	86. Chapter 86

  
**_  Chapter 86_**   
  
"Alexis, I'm going to make one last trip out to see Nana Rose. Would you care to go with me?"   
  
Johnny, Joy and Alexis were enjoying a mid-morning cup of tea while sitting around relaxing. Alexis returned from Kevin's office only a few moments before and immediately let them know that she would be released the following morning. After the initial excitement and congratulations were done, the three of them fell silent to reflect on the journey they began together a few months earlier. With Johnny's invitation, Alexis was provided the perfect opportunity to share some quiet time alone with him.   
  
"I would love to go with you, Johnny. There is something I would like to discuss with you."   
  
Alexis felt a moment of guilt about leaving Joy behind, but quickly dispelled it, as she knew the two of them would sit down later and talk. Needing to alleviate any feelings of being left out though, Alexis leaned toward Joy and lay her hand on Joy's forearm.   
  
"You don't mind, do you?"   
  
"No, Alexis. I don't mind. You two go and have a good time. I'll be here when you get back."   
  
"Good, because there's something I want to talk to you about as well. Also, if Sonny calls before we return, would you mind telling him where we've gone and we should be back soon?"   
  
Joy placed her hand on top of Alexis' and smiled brightly.   
  
"I'll take care of it. Now go on. Don't keep my man waiting on you. And Alexis... "   
  
Having stood, Alexis returned her attention to Joy.   
  
"Hmmm... ?"   
  
"It's going to be so wonderful having you around. I'm not used to having people around that actually care how I feel about things. I think you may be the one to end up regretting pulling me into your life."   
  
Alexis smiled and leaned down to embrace Joy.   
  
"Not on your life. You and I have more in common that you might think. You take care and we'll be back soon."   
  
"I'll be here and I'll prepare a late lunch for all of us. So, you two take your time and enjoy."   
  
Thirty minutes later, Johnny and Alexis were standing side by side at the resting place of his Nana Rose.  His voice was choked as he spoke of his grandmother.  
  
"I never knew just how much this beautiful lady would impact my life. And not only mine, but people who took the time to know me. I miss her, Alexis. I miss her more now than I ever have before. She left a hole in my life when she died. And there's no one who can fill that hole except her. I guess a part of me will always be right here in this place I built for her."   
  
Alexis wrapped her arm around Johnny's waist and gazed up at him. She could see he was trying to control his emotions as he talked of a woman who loved him so completely that he never once regretted the loss of his own mother.   
  
"Some day Johnny, you'll see her again. And you can tell her how much she did for you. You can tell her what she meant to you and how much she influenced your life. When that day comes Johnny, I want you to also tell her that she gave me the chance to see the kind of life I want to give my daughter. When I look at you, I can see what unreserved and unconditional love can give a child. You tell her that I said 'Thank you'.   
  
Johnny laid his arm across the top of Alexis' shoulders and kissed her on the forehead.   
  
"I'll tell her, Alexis. And I'll tell her that it was because of her that you and I have this friendship now. I can't tell you what it means to me to have you on my side... to know that we can count on each other to be there when things get rough. I know that my Joy feels just the same way that I do about you. We both love you and want the best for you. Someday, when we're ready... Joy and I want you to be a god-parent to our little girl. We plan on naming her after you. If we have a boy first, we'll name him 'Alexander' and then our little girl will be named 'Natasha' even if we have to adopt her. There is no one else that would love our children as much as you would and give them what they will need. And if anything should ever happen to Joy and I, we want you to take our children and raise them as your own."   
  
Alexis put her other arm around Johnny and hugged him with all of her strength. There never was a time in her life that anyone trusted her as much as Johnny and Joy were with the entrusting of their future children into her safekeeping. The tears fell without shame, without embarrassment. They were tears of love, hope and happiness.   
  
"Johnny, you have given me so much. How will I ever repay you?"   
  
"There is no need for repayment between friends. We do for each other because we want to... because it is the most natural thing in the world to give from the heart to those who hold our hearts. And I want you in my heart for the rest of my life. I need you, Alexis. I need your steadiness, your sense of honor and loyalty. There is so much I can learn from you. Nana Rose gave me my foundation, but with you I can learn how to build on that foundation."   
  
Alexis lifted up just slightly and lay her wet cheek against Johnny's.   
  
"I love your graciousness, Johnny. I love that you have a heart of compassion. You have a lot that you can teach me as well."   
  
Taking a step away from Johnny she took his hand in hers and led him to the gazebo. Now was the time to talk to him about Kevin's offer. Sitting down and leaning back, she waited for Johnny to take his seat beside her then explained what Kevin asked her to do.   
  
"Johnny, Kevin asked me to talk to you about what kind of a career you might be interested in now that your time at Ferncliff with me is coming to an end. Do you have any idea what you want to do now?"   
  
"Joy and I have discussed it, but I wanted to wait until I could talk to you about it before making any decisions. What do you think?"   
  
"Before I answer that, tell me what you wanted to do when you were a small boy."   
  
"I didn't think about it very much. I was where I wanted to be. I couldn't imagine a life without being with Nana. Even when it got to where she was having a hard time getting around... I still wanted to be with her; caring for her, you know… taking care of everything she needed. I never wanted to do anything that would take me away from her."   
  
"Why, Johnny? Surely you had friends to play with. And what about the rest of your family? Wasn't there ever a time when you wished that you could just go off and do something just for yourself?"   
  
"Being with Nana was all I needed, Alexis. She gave me everything that I could ever have wanted. What I saw of the world before I went to live with her was enough for me. No way was I ever going to take a chance on ending up the way I was before she found me and gave me a home."   
  
"How was that, Johnny? Tell me about the little boy you were before you went to live with your Nana Rose."   
  
The pained look that swept across Johnny's face tore at Alexis' heart. There was a story Johnny needed to tell and she wanted to hear it.   
  
"Tell me, Johnny. Trust me to keep your secrets as I have trusted you with mine."   
  
"I do trust you, Alexis. It's just hard to remember that kid. He was so… lost. What little I do remember of my mother wasn't anything to brag about.  She didn't care about anything except her boyfriends. I went to bed hungry and alone most nights. When she did finally come home, sometimes after being away for days, it was only to throw a couple of dollars on the table and get cleaned up to go out again."   
  
"Where was your father, Johnny?"   
  
"I never knew who he was. Anyway, one day someone knocked on the door and I was too afraid to open it so I hid in a closet. I heard a woman call my name. Lex, it was the sweetest voice I think I've ever heard. She finally made the landlord let her in and I could hear her looking for me. I didn't know whether to come out or not. But, she finally found me. She was so beautiful. She took me into arms that I can sometimes still feel around me. She smelled like lilacs and biscuit dough. When I felt her arms around me, it felt like nothing I had ever known before. I can remember hanging on to her as if my life depended on her. She took me home and I never saw my mother again. Years later, Nana Rose told me that my mother left town and never looked back. By that time, I didn't care. I was too happy with the woman who saved my life to care about what happened to my mother. There was this one time that I asked Nana why my mother didn't love me. The sadness I saw in her eyes was more than I could stand. I swore I'd never mention my mother to her again. And I didn't. But, the day she died, Nana made me promise not to hold a grudge against my mother for abandoning me. It made no sense to me and evidently she could see my confusion because she explained why she was making the request. She said, _"Johnny, there are people in this world who were born incapable of learning how to love. I always blamed myself for the way my daughter turned out. But, I did what I could to teach her what was right and what was wrong. She made up her mind at an early age that she didn't want to hold to the standards of acceptable behavior. She broke my heart, Johnny. But, the day I found you, my heart was restored. You were my reward for not giving up. I vowed to my creator that I would love you and care for you in place of the girl who turned her back on us. You are my pride and joy. She's out there somewhere Johnny, and she's miserable. Don't hate her. She will suffer enough for the decisions she made without us heaping more judgments on her. Leave her to live out her life as she wishes. If the day ever comes that she tries to find you... let her find you. I need you to give her a message for me. Tell her that I loved her with all my heart and that I will always love her. Tell her I bear no ill will against her. And Johnny, you need to try and find a way to love her as well.'_ It wasn't too long after that when she let go and died."   
  
"Were you able to forgive your mother?"   
  
"It took a while. Actually it wasn't until I finished this place that I was able to. In having this place to come to where I could be close to Nana... I was finally able to let go of the anger and resentment against my mother for the pain she caused Nana."   
  
Alexis frowned at Johnny's answer. Something was missing is his answer.   
  
"What about the anger against her for what she put you through? Did you deal with that, Johnny?"   
  
"Nah. What's the use of bringing all that up? It's over and done with. What she did to Nana was worse than what she did to me. If she ever comes looking for me, I'll keep my promise to Nana and that will be the end of the whole mess."   
  
"And you expect me to buy that? Tell me something... what if it were me in your position?"   
  
Johnny stiffened beside her.   
  
"I don't follow you."   
  
"Oh yes you do. You just don't want to. Everything you have been telling me over the last couple of weeks has been all about looking deep to find the truth and dealing with the fall out so that it can't jump up and bite you when you least expect it. So, if that was such good advice for me then why is it not just as good for you?"   
  
"It's different with me, Alexis."   
  
Johnny looked over at Alexis dumbfounded as he heard her laugh beside him. When she looked up and saw him staring at her she quieted.   
  
"I'm sorry, Johnny.  But why is it different? Are you going to pull a sexist attitude and tell me it's different because you're a man and I'm a woman? Believe me you don't want to go there."   
  
"I wasn't. I would never say anything like that. Joy would have my head the moment she caught wind of me saying anything like that. And that's nowhere near the reason anyway."   
  
"So what's the reason?"   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"Yes, you do. But, to save a little time... have you ever told that little boy who still lives right inside here that it wasn't his fault that his mother didn't love him?"   
  
As Alexis asked the question she gently laid her hand over Johnny's heart.   
  
"Johnny you helped me accept that part of myself that I hid from for years. You helped me see that she is a very real and important part of myself... just as that little boy is an important part of who you are."   
  
Johnny's face fell and was overcome by confusion and sadness.  Memories assaulted him… tearing his heart again as though he were living it all over again.  But he was a man now, why should it still hurt now as much as it did then.   
  
"I tried, Alexis. I did everything I thought I was supposed to. I kept the apartment as clean as I could. I put away all her clothes and tried to keep them neat for when she came home. I didn't know how to cook, but I made sure that when I went to the store I got things that I could fix for her. I would only eat enough to stay alive. I made sure there was something there for her to eat when she came home. But, it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered to her.  **_'I'_** didn't matter."   
  
"Did she ever hit you, Johnny?"   
  
"No. Sometimes I wished she would have hit me. At least I would have gotten something from her. But, she didn't even give me that much."   
  
Alexis could tell that something was eating at Johnny. She couldn't visibly see it, but something was telling her that Johnny was giving himself a hard time about something. Turning so that she could face him directly she took both of his hands into hers and pulled his full attention to her.   
  
"Tell me what's bothering you, Johnny."   
  
"I'm not sure what you mean. Nothing's really bothering me."   
  
"Hey, this is me you're talking to. Something is going on with you inside that handsome head of yours. Now tell me. What is it that is eating you up on the inside?"   
  
Johnny took his hands from hers and stood up. He turned to face the monument where his Nana lay and a look of such intense regret crossed his face that Alexis stood quickly and took hold of his arm.   
  
"Tell me, Johnny. Tell me what it is."   
  
Johnny took his eyes from the gravesite and gazed at Alexis.   
  
"How will I ever be able to face her when my time comes knowing I couldn't do what she asked of me? How can I do that to her? My mother failed her a long time ago and now I'm failing her in the one thing she asked of me. I could forgive my mother for what she put Nana through because Nana loved her enough to forgive her. But, I don't know how to forgive her for what she did to me. Don't you have to have some kind of feeling for someone in order to forgive them for a wrong they have done you?"   
  
"Yes, but you're not being very honest with yourself Johnny. In order for this to tear you up so much inside, you have to have some feeling for her. If you didn't, this wouldn't be such an issue with you. You have to face the fact that you do have feelings for your mother. They are there buried under the indifference and bravado."   
  
"Every time I leave here, it is with a weight of guilt that I have not completed my Nana's last request of me. I don't want to leave here today with that weight. I don't know when I will get back here and I don't want to carry this thing back with me and have it always over my head when I'm trying to build a new life with Joy. It's not fair to her."   
  
"And it's not fair to you either. So, let's get rid of the problem. The only way I know how to do that is for you to find out just what you do feel where your mother is concerned and face it."   
  
"That may be easier said than done."   
  
"I don't think so. It can be one or more of 4 things. You can either be angry, sad, happy or scared. You may even feel more than one of those four. There is a myriad of feelings we are prone to, but they will all fall under one of the four. So, think about your mother and tell me what you feel."   
  
Johnny turned and sat back down pulling Alexis with him. He began to think of his mother and concentrate on what he felt when her image appeared in his mind's eye.   
  
Alexis grimaced as his hold on her hand tightened painfully, but she kept her silence. His body language told her more than his words ever could. Johnny was angry and scared. She could understand the anger, but she questioned the fear.   
  
"Johnny, why are you afraid of her?"   
  
Johnny looked away from Alexis as her ability to read him would give her more than he wanted her to have. He felt her other hand move over their clasped hands and she began to caress his forearm. As she ministered to him, he relaxed some and realized by the flexing of her fingers within his that he had been holding her hand too tightly. Lifting it he began to massage it gently with a look of sorrow on his face.   
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."   
  
"Johnny, I'm fine. But, you're not. Now come on, tell me why you are afraid of your mother."   
  
"It's not so much that I'm afraid of her. What if there is another child she treated the same way she treated me. Alexis, what if I have a brother or sister out there that's in trouble? What if they ended up somewhere like Ferncliff because I didn't care enough to find out about them?"   
  
Johnny was working himself into frenzy and Alexis knew she needed to calm him down. Placing her hands on either side of his face she called softly to him.   
  
"Johnny. Johnny, stop. If it means that much to you then we'll do what we have to in order to find out. We'll use both my resources and Sonny's to find your mother. We'll do what we have to in order to get the answers you need. But, there's something else we have to do here today, so you can walk away a free man."   
  
"I know, I know. But, I just can't see it happening."   
  
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life under the control of your mother?"   
  
Johnny's head came up instantly.   
  
"**_NO_**. I'm not. I gave her enough of my time."   
  
"Then let it go."   
  
"How?"   
  
That one word was filled with such agony and pain that Alexis put her arms around Johnny and held him close. She whispered softly to him.   
  
"There are people in this world who don't know how to love, just like your Nana said. We don't condemn them for it. We take pity on them. We try to understand that there are demons living inside them that keep them from experiencing life as it was intended."   
  
"But Lex, she had the perfect example right under her nose until she took off. All she had to do was stay with Nana."   
  
Alexis released Johnny and sat back to look at him directly.   
  
"And how do you know that she wouldn't give the rest of her life to go back and make a different choice now that she's experienced life without her mother and her son?"   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"So, maybe that's how you should think of her. As a woman who made a wrong turn and it cost her the love you know she could enjoyed. Don't hate her, Johnny. You'll spend the rest of your life tied to that hate and you don't want that... believe me."

Johnny quickly met Alexis' eyes as her words ended with a definite hardness.   
  
"Helena, right?"   
  
"Yes. But, there is one big difference here. Helena doesn't know how to love. I cannot find one redeeming quality in that woman. But the hate I feel towards her has cost me. You don't want that, Johnny. Stay pure. Keep the love you learned from your Nana safe from the hate that has a tendency to find us and make us less than we could be if we do not protect ourselves from it. You've seen what hate can do. You saw what it did to Sonny. Don't get caught up in it, please."   
  
As Johnny gazed into Alexis' eyes he suddenly felt everything she was feeling. And he saw what her hatred of Helena cost her.   
  
"I understand, Alexis. And you're right. It's a lost cause. It has already taken too much from me. It has kept me from being able to give my Nana what she asked of me. I'm not going to let it go any further. I'm leaving it here. But, can I ask you something?"   
  
"Anything, Johnny."   
  
"Were you serious? About helping me find my mother? I need to know if there is someone out there that went through the same thing I did. I need to know if I have a brother or sister who needs to be protected… saved like I was.  Like my Nana did for me.  I have to know, Alexis."   
  
"We'll find out, Johnny. We will do everything we can to locate you mother and find out if you have someone out there who needs you. I promise."   
  
Johnny put his arms around Alexis and sighed with relief. He couldn't express just how much it meant to him to have someone who cared enough about him to help him clean up a past he spent years trying to forget.   
  
"Hey. I think it's time we thought about heading back, don't you?"   
  
Alexis sat up suddenly remembering that their conversation had taken a complete turn and she hadn't broached the subject she had intended to.   
  
"Not yet. There was a reason I asked you what you wanted to be when you were a little boy."   
  
Johnny smiled sheepishly.   
  
"We kind of got off the subject didn't we?"   
  
And Alexis returned a smile of compassion and absolute acceptance.   
  
"It's ok. We needed to. But, I want to ask you a question. Did you enjoy what you were doing for me while you were here, or were you just enduring it until I got better?"   
  
Johnny leaned back and looked at her curiously.   
  
"What are you getting at? I did what I thought was the best thing for you."   
  
"Please don't misunderstand me, Johnny. What you did for me was more than I could ever have hoped for in my life. You gave me something that I've never experienced before. I could look at you at anytime of the day and know that I was safe and nothing bad would happen to me. You gave me your life for a while. What you did for me was so extraordinary that there are no words adequate enough to express how I feel about you. I learned quite a lot from you... things that will last a lifetime. But, that's not what I'm talking about."   
  
Alexis placed the palm of her hand again on Johnny's heart.   
  
"What I want to know is do you have a desire to share this heart of yours with others... people who don't know you... people who have no one else to care for them?"   
  
Johnny weighed her words and felt his heart jump at the thought of being able to care for people the way he had cared for Alexis. Watching her come back to life, respond to his care of her made him feel worth something. He was finally doing something to help someone. It made the guilt he felt over some of the things he did for Sonny fade a little.   
  
"I think maybe you have something there, partner. Maybe I could talk Kevin into letting me work around the home while I go back to school and learn a little bit about how to really take care of people."   
  
"Kevin was hoping you would choose a career in social work. He wants to help you in any way he can to get started. And he's waiting on you to go see him and talk to him when you're ready to."   
  
"He said that?"   
  
"He is very impressed with the way you jumped in and did such a wonderful job with me. He thinks you have an enormous amount of potential where patient care is concerned."   
  
"Well, I'll be. What do you think of that? I never expected to come away with so much when I started this trip with you. The day I decided to come here, I mean to that place... hook up with you... it was the single most important thing I've ever done in my life. In being with you there I found myself again. And now, I have a wife... I have a new friend... I have a chance to make something of myself. Nana Rose told me that I would someday find my place in the world. I had just about given up, but look at me. She was right. She was always right."   
  
Johnny stood up and left the shelter of the gazebo and walked over to kneel beside the resting place of his beloved grandmother and Alexis followed slowly. When he raised his hand to beckon her closer, she quickened her pace and lay her hand in his standing quietly by his side as he began to speak.   
  
"Nana, I want you to meet someone. This is my friend, Alexis. And you were right. When I started making the right choices my life began to change for the better. And this lady right here is the cause for a whole lot of it. You would love her, Nana. She's everything you told me a friend should be. She's helped me let go of the anger I felt for my mother. And because of that I can forgive her like you asked me to. I'm okay now, Nana. I have a new wife, a new friend and I know what I want to do with my life. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good man. I kind of lost it for a while, but Alexis helped me get things back together. And I'm going to bring Joy here soon. I want her to meet you too. But, for now I have to go and get my buddy here packed up to go home. We're going home, Nana. We did what we had to do and we're both stronger now. So you rest and know that I love you more now than I ever did and I'm really okay."   
  
Johnny glanced at Alexis to find tears running down her face. Taking his handkerchief from his pocket he stood up and gently wiped them away.   
  
"Thank you for being my friend, Alexis. Thank you for all those times you paid attention to me when you didn't have to and for allowing me to stay with you and help you these last couple of months. Thank you for opening your heart and taking in a lonely orphan when you had so much to deal with on your own. But most of all, thank you for helping the dreams of my Nana Rose come true for me."   
  
And two friends who started a long journey together linked arms and walked back across a bridge that now somehow mirrored the bond created between them… a bond they both came to trust and rely on to get them through a difficult time.


	87. Chapter 87

  
  **_Chapter 87_**   
  
"Alexis, I don't know what you and Johnny talked about this morning, but it seems like a weight has been lifted from him."   
  
Alexis and Joy were busy packing up some of the remaining items in the suite in preparation for their departure the next morning. Sonny and Johnny had already packed up most of the big things and were on their way into town to deliver them to where they belonged. As a group they decided that they did not want to deal with a lot of packing and moving on the day of their departure, so the bulk of the process was being handled the afternoon before.   
  
"Sometime in the next few days, when you and Johnny have settled into your new home... ask him, Joy. He'll tell you what we talked about this morning. I think he has wanted to all along, but just didn't know how to approach it. He needs to tell you about it, and if you open the door it may make it easier for him."   
  
"I am so happy he has you to talk to, Alexis. Sometimes a guy needs more than just his wife to help him get through things and he trusts you. I still can't believe the change in him from the man who first came to visit you. He is so different. For a while I didn't think he even knew how to smile. He was so shy and reserved. But, being here with you... doing what he could to help you... it changed him. It was like he finally realized he could be somebody. He told me once that he lived in shadows so long that he forgot what it felt like to feel the sun on his face. I thought that was so sad."   
  
"He is a very beautiful man, Joy. And I don't mean his outward appearance. I cannot imagine a couple more suited for each other than you and Johnny. You two complement each other perfectly and it is calming for me to see you two together."   
  
"Thank you, Alexis. That means so much coming from you."   
  
Reaching down to open the drawer on her bedside table, Alexis pulled out a locket and turned back to face Joy.   
  
"Joy, I asked Sonny to go by my apartment and get this for me a few days ago.  I want to give it to you. It is a gift to show my appreciation for what you have done for me since I've been here. Even though it was Johnny who I woke up to, I know in my heart that it was also your devotion and care of my physical needs that helped me feel safe enough to return. This locket belonged to my sister. It was one of her favorites and I want you to have it. You have been more than a friend to me and I want you to know that I have learned a great deal from you during my stay here. I've never seen you panic or get angry. You've been a calm and steady force during this whole ordeal. You've walked around here everyday like everything was proceeding just as it was intended. Nothing ever caused you to lose hope for the cause you committed yourself to. As much as Johnny did for me, in your own way you matched him in your care of me and I just want you to know how much your life has affected mine."   
  
Joy felt Alexis take her hand into hers and place the locket in her palm. Looking down, she couldn't see it through the tears that filled her eyes. Closing her fingers around it, she put her arms around Alexis and hugged her tightly.   
  
"I... I... don't know what to say... I... I... I didn't think it was possible... girl you've left me speechless."   
  
Delighted at the response she received from Joy, Alexis grinned in relief.   
  
"Now that's a first. I didn't think you could ever run out of things to say."   
  
Joy laughed and dropped her arms from around Alexis. The glow on her face filled Alexis' heart with warmth.   
  
"Alexis... I... I wouldn't trade this time with you for all the gold in the world. Between you and Johnny, my whole world has turned around and I feel like a new woman. There is so much I want to learn from you... so much that you can teach me. Can we get together... I mean often... just to talk about things and.. and.. I don't know just get to know one another better?"   
  
Joy ducked her head shyly at the request she made of Alexis. For the life of her she couldn't imagine being friends with such a beautifully courageous and gracious woman as she saw Alexis to be. Tightening her grip on the locket that lay nestled in the palm of her hand, she felt really accepted by Alexis on a level that she would never have expected.   
  
"Joy, I think I want that more than you do. I miss my friend Chloe and I miss my sister. I need a woman around to help me stay balanced and you do that for me. I need you in my life. So, yes; you and I are going to get to know one another and become the best of friends."   
  
"Alexis, is it possible to be so happy that you feel like you're going to explode?"   
  
Alexis laughed nodding her head.   
  
"It has to be, because I've actually felt that once or twice over the past couple of days. But, don't you worry. We're going to get used to that feeling. I think the men in our lives are going to work day and night to make sure we never see another day of sadness if it's at all possible."   
  
"I know; Johnny promised me he would do his best to see that I have everything I ever want or need. It's going to be a bit tricky in the beginning to try and help him realize that there are going to be times that I need to do things for myself; that I don't need the world… that sometimes all I need is just a bit of 'alone' time."   
  
"I know what you mean. It's going to be equally difficult to get Sonny to back off, but we are very resourceful women. We'll find a way to work it so that they give us what we need without even realizing that somewhere along the way their musty antiquated ideas fell by the wayside."   
  
Joy laughed outright.   
  
"Oh, Alexis. You are simply priceless. I have so much to learn and I have a master to learn from. We are going to have so much fun together living across the hall from each other."   
  
Alexis' attention had returned to her suitcase and hearing Joy's last statement caused her head to come up quickly.   
  
"Across the hall? You're going to be across the hall?"   
  
Joy's face fell. She couldn't read the expression on her friends face and she became instantly afraid that she and Johnny might have been too presumptuous.   
  
"Is that not ok, Alexis? You don't want Johnny and... "   
  
Joy was not able to finish her question as her breath was taken from her when Alexis grabbed hold of her and squeezed tightly.   
  
"I didn't know how I was going to handle it... going back there. I didn't really want to go back to the apartment. But, you and Johnny... how am I ever going to repay you two for all you've done for me... what you mean to me."   
  
Joy heaved a sigh of relief and smiled. Bringing her arms up she returned the hug.   
  
"Well, the first thing you're going to do is let go of me. You've effectively taken away my ability to breath. And secondly, we're friends. Any kind of talk regarding payback is offensive. And lastly, you were never in danger of going anywhere alone if you didn't want to. If it weren't Sonny, it would be Johnny or me. And if not us, then this little bundle you're carrying would keep you company. You will never find yourself alone again unless it's what you want, Alexis. In fact, you're going to have to get comfortable enough with me to be able to say outright, _'Joy, I need some time alone_.' Now, before we get too maudlin, let's finish this up and see what we're going to do about feeding those guys when they get back."   
  
Lowering her arms, Alexis gazed at Joy with a small contented smile.   
  
"Thank you, Joy... for being my friend."   
  
"Oh pooh, as if you had any say in the matter. Now come on and shut that brain of yours down for awhile."   
  
Alexis shook her head in amused resignation and followed Joy out of the bedroom. Allowing Joy to walk on ahead of her toward the kitchen, Alexis stopped at the door and turned back to glance out the window. In a voice quiet and full of love...   
  
"I'm ok, Kristina. I have people who love me... really love me and care about what happens to me. And I'm learning... things that you sometimes tried to teach me. So, you rest now and know that I'm happy and I will love you always."   
  
As a lone tear traveled down her cheek, Alexis lowered her head a moment then with an anticipation that she found somewhat alien, joined Joy in the kitchen.   
  
****************   
Her day began with a blue jay sitting just outside her window singing a song of love to its mate. Stretching out to slowly awaken her body to a new day, Alexis lay for a moment just listening. Turning her head toward the window she caught sight of the little bird and smiled. Simple pleasures... little miracles of life that often were over-looked... Alexis promised herself that from now on she would take the time to enjoy those simple pleasures. Things like watching squirrels play, listening to the calming sound of a brook, spending a few moments of every day relaxing and enjoying the fact that she was alive and healthy... and free to love.   
  
Hearing a knock on her door, she slowly sat up and rested against the headboard before calling out to her visitor to come in. She smiled contentedly as her favorite miracle peeked in with his beautiful smile and cavernous dimples that begged for her touch.   
  
"Hey."   
  
One word... just one word from him and her heart flipped upside down.   
  
"Good morning. You look good enough to kiss."   
  
"So do you. Care to give it a try?"   
  
"Come here."   
  
Sonny closed the door behind him and walked over to sit down on the side of the bed as close to her as he could get without actually sitting on her. Setting the cup of hot tea down on her bedside table he turned back to her to find her arms reaching for him. Smiling he mirrored her and reached to pull her into in his arms. He let her take the initiative and felt the warmth that he could only associate with Alexis begin to radiate through him as her lips found his. Sweet, soft, lingering... and pure. Alexis... his heart, his soul... the reason he awoke this morning from a night filled with beautiful, peaceful dreams of her.   
  
Drawing back, she reached up to touch his cheek and found tears in his eyes.   
  
"Sonny?"   
  
He reached up and let his fingers trace the outline of her lips before softly caressing her cheek.   
  
"It's ok. It happens a lot now. All I have to do is think of you, touch you... look at you and it happens. I can't seem to control it yet. You asked me not to leave you again... and I know in here," Sonny lifted her hand to lay against his heart as he continued, "I know... I never will. And that does something to me inside... knowing that I'll never have to be alone again. It kind of knocks my socks off."   
  
Returning him to the circle of her arms, she rested her cheek against his and whispered.   
  
"Tell me about it. It does the same thing to me. Do you think we'll ever get used to feeling like this?"   
  
"Honestly? I hope not. I don't ever want to get used to it. I want to feel this way the rest of my life."   
  
Dipping her head, a look of absoluteness fell on her face and she whispered as if to herself.   
  
"Good point!  Me too!"   
  
Leaning back against the headboard and reaching for her cup of tea... Alexis smiled at the contentment she saw on Sonny's face. She reached for his other hand and lay her own within it. Her focus stilled on the sight of their entwined fingers. Her attention was so intent that she jumped slightly when she heard Sonny speak again.   
  
"How's my baby girl doing this morning?"   
  
"Outside of being hungry, she's fine."   
  
"Well that's that then. Up and at 'em, woman. My little girl is not going to go hungry while I flirt with her mother. Get up angel and get dressed so I can feed my daughter."   
  
Alexis laughed carelessly as Sonny pulled her from the bed, tea splashing everywhere.   
  
"Sonny, you're making a mess."   
  
"Not as big as the mess I'm gonna make if you don't get busy."   
  
"Is that a threat?"   
  
"Absolutely not. It's a well thought out, highly motivated promise of delightful things to come should the mother of my child decide not to take me seriously."   
  
Seeing the look of pure amusement and devilment fill his eyes. Alexis sauntered closer to him and in a low, impassioned voice...   
  
"That sounds more sensual than highly motivated... care to elaborate a little?"   
  
Sonny's breath caught in his throat. He had seen that look on her face only once before and it brought back a host of memories that left him fighting for breath.   
  
"You need to stop right now, Alexis Davis or we are not going to get my daughter fed much less leave this room any time soon."   
  
Turning on her heel saucily Alexis reached up and flipped her bangs out of her face and started toward the closet with a not so thought out response...   
  
"Promises, Promises."   
  
She shrieked as she felt Sonny's arms grab her from behind lifting her off the floor and quicker than a wink found herself pinned beneath him on the bed laughing hysterically until her eyes found his and her laughter stilled. She felt his heart beating against hers with the same accelerated rhythm... a rhythm she remembered... a rhythm so in tune with each other that it was impossible to separate one heart from the other. And in another moment, lips that once long ago fulfilled her every need found their home again and Alexis wrapped her arms around Sonny and rested.   
  
Hearing the bedroom door fly open, Sonny and Alexis looked up to find Johnny and Joy standing in the doorway. Alexis, with her hand covering her eyes turned toward the wall and tried to control her laughter. The look of fear on the faces of her friends quickly morphed into embarrassment at the sight of what they barged in on. She could feel what the intrusion was doing to Sonny and couldn't contain her mirth.   
  
And Sonny, feeling the effect of Alexis' laughter, only served to increase his already out of control body. Totally frustrated and trying to reign in his very evident aroused state, Sonny addressed the intruders.   
  
"Don't you two know how to knock?"   
  
Johnny, with a face the color of the inside of a pomegranate, was rooted to the spot. His motor skills effectively abandoning him to his embarrassment. And Joy, reaching to pull him out of the room did the best she could to get out of the situation with as much dignity as possible.   
  
"You know, given our present address, hearing a shriek come out of this room is not something either one of us would expect this early in the morning unless something was wrong. But, seeing that Alexis is in good hands... uhmm I... I... I mean... not anything wrong... uhmm... Geez, Sonny you could have warned us you were here. Come on, Johnny... it seems Alexis has everything under control and we're not needed here after all."   
  
Hearing the door close behind them, Alexis couldn't hold it any longer and laughed until tears rolled from her eyes while Sonny simply dropped his head in exasperation as the need for a cold shower swept over him. Getting up he pulled Alexis with him muttering 'almost' incoherently.   
  
"And I had to set them up across the hall from you... I hope my daughter grows up to be smarter than I am."   
  
And again, Alexis laughed while pulling him back into her arms to coax the frustration from him. It didn't take long... looking into his eyes she saw the moment he gave in to the humor of the situation and thrilled as he began to laugh with her.


	88. Chapter 88 The End

**_  Chapter 88_**   
  
The morning was bright with fluffy white cheery clouds gracing the sky. On the grounds of Ferncliff there was a host of life going on. Birds singing, squirrels playing, flowers growing and leaves full of the colors of autumn soundlessly finding their way to the ground. It was a beautiful day filled with innumerable possibilities.   
  
And on the porch of a pure white home of restoration stood four souls who had weathered the storm and come out on the other side stronger for having the courage and determination to endure the journey.   
  
She entered this place alone... isolated from the world. The journey was long and hard. But, it was also a journey that needed to be taken… so much was learned... so much more waiting to be learned. The learning would be easier now... more acceptable... often welcomed. Looking over her shoulder at the building behind her, Alexis breathed a sigh of relief... of gratitude... and with a definite sense of freedom. As he took hold of her hand, Alexis brought her eyes to rest on the man that held her heart and was now questioning her.   
  
"Ready?"   
  
Ready. A simple word, unobtrusive, a word that children shouted when playing games of hide and seek... a word which could bring excitement or dread... a word which held so much more when applied to this day... this moment... Looking within, Alexis silently asked herself... are you ready? Are you ready to face the world and all of its chaos... its highs and lows... the mountains and valleys of emotion? Without words... with assurance and conviction she nodded her head. She was ready. And it took the love of the three who stood beside her, and one who had gone on to her resting place to be able to answer that question without a trace of doubt.   
  
The four walked hand in hand down the steps and then hesitantly, one who suddenly felt the need to reflect turned toward the south lawn for a last look. Alexis felt his hand fall to rest on her shoulder and dropping the hand that held her own she reached up and covered Johnny's hand on her shoulder. She didn't have to look to see whose hand had reached to find her. The simple need to rest on the trust and faith of a bond that was forged through the fires of fear, distress and renewal was one she knew well. She knew what he was thinking and she knew what he was feeling. She looked toward Sonny and without words asked him to give her a few minutes alone with Johnny.   
  
Johnny needed time to collect himself, so he took a couple of steps away from the small group. His heart was full of so much emotion... they were going home. He and Alexis were finally going home. He did what he set out to do, but he was also walking away with so much more than he ever could have hoped for. He was a new man and it felt good. He turned to look at Alexis as he felt her join him then silently followed her as she guided him to the place they both would remember for the rest of their lives.   
  
It didn't look like much... it was cold... hard and uncomfortable. But, to Johnny and Alexis... it represented a beginning... a place filled with promise and a future that required nothing more than expectation. One lone wooden bench under a tall aged oak tree. A place of awakening... a place of finding out that friends can be more than you ever imagined they could be.   
  
Sitting down Alexis pulled Johnny down beside her and leaned over to rest against his shoulder. A place of strength... a place of safety... of trust.   
  
"We've both come a long way, haven't we?"   
  
And with a tremor in his voice...   
  
"Yeah, a long way. I know it's going to sound bad... but, I'm glad it was me and you doing this. We needed this. I mean not the time you were out of it, but... boy that does sound bad, doesn't it?"   
  
"I know what you mean, Johnny. And you're right. We did need this to get our lives back on track... to bring us to a place where we were able to start over without all of the baggage."   
  
Johnny laid his arm across her shoulder and pulled her closer.   
  
"Yeah. That's it."   
  
Reaching up she let her hand caress one side of his face then the other and smiled as the frown left his face.   
  
"We both came away from this with more than we ever thought we would. You have a wife, Johnny... a beautiful, compassionate and loving wife. And you have a new relationship with Sonny."   
  
"I have a lot more than that, partner. I found a friend here, someone who looks at me and sees more than the outside. I have a best friend now and that is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You helped me find my way back to the man that my grandmother taught me to be all those years ago. And I have a godchild to look forward to. I want to some day share with her the woman I met here on this bench not so long ago. Do you have any idea, Alexis just how much you mean to me?"   
  
Alexis felt his arm tighten around her as his other arm came up to complete the circle around her and she felt a tear fall from his face as he leaned his head against hers.   
  
"Yes, Johnny. I do. Because that is how I feel about you. I sat here on this bench and awakened to your eyes begging me to come alive again. I have never in my life felt as safe as I did with you while I was here. Johnny what you did for me here was so much more than I ever thought anyone would ever do for me. You believed in me, you fought as hard as I did to get us through this... In just the small amount of time that we've been here you have become more important to me than any 'friend' I have ever known before. And if you think I am ever going to let you get away from me, you've got another think coming, buddy."   
  
Johnny laughed at her attempt to ease them out of their seriousness.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere, partner. Besides my wife would definitely kick up a fuss if anybody tried to stick their two cents in between any of us. Joy loves you just as much as I do and I can't tell you what having you in her life has done for her. Well, would you look at that? Did you ever think you'd see something like that?"   
  
As Johnny was talking about Joy he looked back to find her and the sight that met him stunned him. And by the look on Alexis' face she was having the same reaction.   
A group of five was slowly walking toward them, but it was Sonny who was forcing them into their current appearance of shock and unbelief. Joy and Courtney walked beside him with his arms resting comfortably and companionably across their shoulders. His face was awash with contentment and the smile he wore was fuller and brighter than any she and Johnny could ever remember seeing. Joy and Courtney's arms were wrapped around his waist as if it were the most natural thing in the world and they looked to be enjoying being so close to a man who by history was prone to be aloof and unapproachable. If that were not enough, striding behind them were Kevin and Jax with smiles just as big and engaging.   
  
Alexis looked back at Johnny who still held a look of unbelief on his face.   
  
"Wonder what this is all about?"   
  
"I don't know, partner. But, I sure do wish we had a camera right now."   
  
"I couldn't agree more."   
  
As the unorthodox quintet reached Alexis and Johnny, they stood together almost as one while the leader of the unlikely grouping spoke first.   
  
"It seems that a couple of people thought we needed to have an escort back to town, so they decided to make themselves our escort."   
  
Alexis took in the sight of them and smiled delightedly. A movement behind Sonny attracted her gaze. Jax moved out from behind the pack and knelt beside Alexis taking her hands into his.   
  
"I wasn't here for you when you got admitted to this place. But, I'm here to make sure you get home safely. And I'll be there for you from now on... so you just holler if you ever need anything. By the looks of this group you've accumulated though, I have a feeling my name is going to be a little further down the list than it used to be. But, that's okay with me. I deserve it for not being a better friend to you."   
  
As Alexis' hand reached up to cup the side of his face, Jax let his eyes fall on Johnny.   
  
"I apologize for giving you such a hard time. Seeing that look on her face tells me that you did more for her in the last two months than I could have done for her at all. For that, I owe you. And thank you for taking such good care of her."   
  
Jax reached out his hand to Johnny and waited hoping Johnny would accept his apology and grinned when his offer was accepted without hesitation. He shook Johnny's hand a couple of times then looked back at Alexis. Seeing the look in her eyes, he knew what she was thinking and rather than allow her to force the difficult words out into the open, he again took hold of her hands and gave her as honest an answer as he could.   
  
"He's not ready to accept all of the changes. Give him time, Alexis. He'll come around."   
  
As a look of regret crossed her face, Alexis gave voice to the words she knew to be truth in her heart.   
  
"No, Jax. He won't. He will never forgive me for allowing Sonny back into my life. He looks at it as a betrayal not only toward him, but toward my sister as well. I've lost him, but I can't do anything about that. He made his choice just as I've made mine. But, I love you for trying to make me feel better about it."   
  
Taking a moment to look up at the people who stood around her, she smiled at each of them then looked back down at Jax. He was still concerned about how she would handle the loss of Ned in her life.   
  
"Take a look around, Jax. When have you ever known me to have so many willing to put their lives on hold and fight the devil himself for me? I will miss, Ned. But, I have so much more now than when I arrived here and having you here today to support me... I love you for being here, Jax. Thank you for not abandoning me too. Thank you."   
  
"Are you happy, Alexis? Does he make you happy?"   
  
Alexis leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Jax' cheek and whispered her response.   
  
"Happier than I can ever remember being in my life. He loves me, Jax... so much. Can't you tell? Look at him, there are no knives in his eyes stabbing you in the back. He knows you're important to me and he accepts that... just as your presence here tells me that you know how important he is to me and you're willing to accept that now. Please don't worry, Jax."   
  
"Okay. I won't worry."   
  
Standing, Jax turned to Sonny.   
  
"Take care of her Corinthos. You call if she ever gets in trouble again. I'll do whatever I can to help."   
  
Recognizing the reluctant peace offering, Sonny looked down at Alexis with love as he answered Jax.   
  
"You have my word... I'll call you if the need ever arises."   
  
Looking up at Sonny, Alexis smiled and winked at him effectively telling him she would reward him later for his newfound toleration of Jasper Jax. She lifted her fingers to her lips to stifle the chuckle that rose as Sonny correctly read her intentions and sent her a look of unadulterated lust.   
  
"Ok, that's not something I needed to see, so if we're ready to get out of here... "   
  
Joy, upon witnessing the silent exchange between Sonny and Alexis, felt it was time to get this impromptu convoy underway so the two of them could have a little time alone. She smiled as Alexis shot her a look of gratitude and sent her own wink back at Alexis as she reached for Johnny. It was time to go home... for all of them.   
  
A few minutes later, as the progression reached the parking lot, Alexis saw the limousine waiting.   
  
"Do we really need the limo, Sonny?"   
  
"How else did you expect us to get home?"   
  
"Well, I expected you to drive us home."   
  
"Alexis, that would have been pretty hard to do."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because driving us anywhere would require my hands to be on the steering wheel and I can pretty much guarantee that wouldn't have happened. The object here is in fact... to get home."   
  
A beautiful blush rose on Alexis' face as she recognized the intent of Sonny's words, then wordlessly walked toward the limo as Sonny followed her chuckling.   
  
Reaching the limo, and waiting for Sonny to open the door for her, her eyes were drawn once more to Johnny who stood waiting for Joy to get into the pickup. His eyes looked up searching for Alexis as well. She could feel a sense of loss settle in her chest and didn't understand where it was coming from or what it meant. In seeing the look on Johnny's face, she knew without asking that he was feeling the same thing. They both recognized simultaneously that what they were feeling was in fact a form of separation anxiety. For all intents and purposes, there never again would be a time when the two of them would be so joined... so connected... so needful of one another and they felt as if something was being taken away from them.   
  
As Alexis stepped away from the limo and walked toward him, Johnny found himself walking toward her as well. She met him halfway. He put his arms around her as he felt hers come to rest around him and in unison they whispered... 'See you later, partner'.   
  
*************   
  
Hearing his cell phone ring, Sonny reached into his pocket for it. Listening a moment, he nodded his head and ended the call. He didn't give Alexis time to consider whether to inquire about the call or not before he explained it.   
  
"That was Jason. He finished up something I had him working on and needs me to stop by the penthouse. It won't take long, then I'll get you home."   
  
Alexis' heart dipped a little, she was so ready to sit down and relax into the comfort of her own sofa. It had been too long. But understanding business sometimes needed to come first she acquiesced.   
  
"Not a problem. I'll wait for you in the limo until you're ready to go."   
  
"Well, I think maybe I want your input on this one. It could get a little hairy."   
  
Alexis looked over at Sonny and figured now was as good a time as any to tell him about a decision she reluctantly made the night before.   
  
"Sonny, I've thought long and hard about this and I've come to a decision. I don't want to step back into the job of being your attorney. We need to keep things as clean and simple as we can given your line of work and our new relationship. I just don't think it's a good idea for me to be as involved with your business as I was before... even if it was the legitimate portion of said business."   
  
Sonny reached for her and drew her into his arms.   
  
"It just so happens, that I agree with you. I don't want you representing my business interests any longer. But, this doesn't have anything to do with business. This is personal... and I need you in on it because it will effect you as well."   
  
"Ok, you can't do that."   
  
"Do what?"   
  
"You're dancing around the issue."   
  
"I know. Amazing how well we mastered that particular art form, isn't it?"   
  
She watched his eyes take on a deeper hue and knew he was remembering the way they once danced around each other... seductively as well as playfully.   
  
"Ok, buster. You need to reign in that libido of yours... at least until we get home. I'm not about to christen this limo with a stranger right behind that thin, not so sound proof barrier."   
  
"It's only Max, Alexis."   
  
"I repeat, not sound proof. My dignity has suffered enough lately, thank you."   
  
"Oh, I see. Alexis needs to begin rebuilding her public face, right?"   
  
"Right."   
  
"Ok, I'll buy that... for now. **_STEP ON IT, MAX_**."   
  
************   
  
As the elevator door began to open on the seventeenth floor, Alexis felt a wave of familiarity and loss sweep over her. She missed her home and as much as her new apartment met her needs... it wasn't home. Closing her eyes and vowing not to let her eyes stray toward the left side of the foyer, she stepped off the elevator and started to follow Sonny. What met her eyes caused her to stop. Joy and Johnny stood there arm in arm... waiting. Alexis looked over at Sonny with shock waiting for some kind of explanation.   
  
"Welcome home, Alexis."   
  
"Wh... what do you mean?"   
  
Sonny reached into his pocket and pulled out a single key and placed it in her hand. Reaching behind her he placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward PH2 and gently pushed her forward.   
  
Not understanding what was going on, Alexis placed the key in the lock and opened the door to find everything in place... where it belonged. Her desk, her chair... her yellow sofa... Kristina's picture. It was all there... just as it had been for so long before everything fell apart. She turned back to look at Sonny with confusion... and he answered.   
  
"Alexis you said you wanted to go home... you told Johnny that the apartment never really felt like home, it was just a place to go after your day was complete. This is your home... this is where it all started. But, even as much as I want you here... I want you happy more. So, if this is not where you want to be, you just tell me and I'll take you anywhere you want to go."   
  
Alexis looked past Sonny at Johnny and Joy who stood in the door waiting to see what Alexis would decide.   
  
Joy couldn't take it... she could feel Alexis getting upset and knew exactly why. Stepping forward she gently pushed Sonny to the side and reached to take Alexis' hand in hers and drew her back out into the foyer. Turning to her left she led Alexis down the hall a few steps and stopped in front of a door with the letters PH3 on it. Reaching down she opened the door and gently pushed Alexis over the threshold.   
  
"Now do you understand, girlfriend?"   
  
Alexis looked around at the beautifully decorated room as the realization of what Joy was saying finally sank in. Turning swiftly she grabbed Joy and hugged her tight, let go and ran back to PH2 where she found Sonny sitting on the edge of her sofa... waiting. How many times had she seen him sitting there... Without stopping she flew into his arms with tears streaming down her face.   
  
"Thank you, Sonny. Thank you for doing this for me. You have no idea how much I wanted to be here. In this room, with you... sharing our daughter... with you... I'm finally back where I belong. I'm home, Sonny."   
  
Holding her tight, he let go just long enough to return Johnny's wave as he stepped out the door closing it softly behind him.   
  
"Not for long, Alexis. At least I hope not."   
  
Leaning back just enough to see his face without letting go, Alexis questioned him.   
  
"What do you, mean? I want to be here, Sonny. This is where I belong... where we belong."   
  
She watched as his eyes left her face and settled on something just behind her. Looking around to find what held his attention, she finally noticed her luggage on the floor next to the door. She let go of Sonny and took a couple of steps back forcing him to drop his hands from her waist.   
  
"What's going on, Sonny? Why is my luggage at the door?"   
  
Sonny was beginning to regret handling this the way he did. Her eyes were again filled with apprehension and those damned questions. Two things he never wanted to see in her eyes again. He stood up and reached for her.   
  
"I'm sorry, Alexis. I didn't handle this too well. All I wanted to do was take a trip with you. I just wanted to put a little time and space between you and what you've had to go through lately. And more than that, I just wanted to be with you... like we did the last time. I just got you back and I really didn't want to share you with the rest of Port Charles yet. I... I wanted to take you back to Puerto Rico with me for a week... maybe more and just sit back and relax. I even asked Johnny and Joy to go with us. They need a break too and I kind of like having them around. They're good for both of us."   
  
As Sonny was trying to explain himself his head fell heavily toward his chest. He didn't see her tears, he didn't see her relief, and he didn't see her happiness. All he felt was her arms reaching for him again and holding him tighter than she ever had before. And he heard her voice whisper softly... the only voice that possessed the power to calm him and settle the anxiety within him instantly.   
  
"I love you, Sonny. You make me happy. And yes, I want to go with you. I want to stand in front of that fountain again and tell you what I wanted to tell you that night. I wanted so much to touch you... hold you and tell you what I really felt... but I couldn't. There was just too much... Sonny, take me back to Puerto Rico and be with me in that garden... this time I will tell you and I want to look into your eyes and know that you feel the same way."   
  
Sonny tightened his hold around Alexis and let his head fall to her shoulder. She was home... and he was home.   
  
*************   
  
_Four months later..._   
  
Sonny quietly crept into the hospital room where Alexis lay resting. Standing there looking at her as she slept... his heart filled with longing as it always did when his arms weren't holding her. It had been a rough night... but together they faced it and welcomed their daughter into the world. Alexis had been so apprehensive about giving birth that Joy finally arranged to be in the room with them and Alexis' fears vanished. She trusted Joy... and the two of them had become almost inseparable over the past few months. Joy became an anchor for Alexis when the worries of becoming a new mother assailed her.   
  
Stepping closer, he watched as the new morning sun found its way to bath the face of the woman he knew held his life in her hands. In that one moment, he accepted his fate… a fate that told him should anything happen to the woman who lay before him, his life would indeed end. There was no life without Alexis. He watched in amusement as her eyes tried to fight the brilliance of the sun and in finally losing the battle opened her eyes to find him leaning on the bed rail... waiting.   
  
"Hey."   
  
"Hey."   
  
"I just went to see her."   
  
"Is she okay?"   
  
"She's beautiful. They're fixing to bring her to you."   
  
"I missed her."   
  
"Well that makes all the sense in the world considering she's been living right under your heart for the past nine months."   
  
Trying not to drop off again from the exhaustion of the night, she mumbled.   
  
"I guess."   
  
"Alexis?"   
  
"Hmmm?"   
  
"Did you know I prayed for my daughter to look like her mother?"   
  
Alexis' eyes opened wide at Sonny's admission, but she remained quiet as she could see he wasn't finished.   
  
"I wanted her to look just like her mother. You see... her mother is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and I just couldn't imagine my daughter not looking like her. And guess what... "   
  
"What?"   
  
"God answered my prayer this time. My daughter looks just like her mother. I can see the woman I fell in love with in my daughter's eyes. She has your smile, your beautiful soft brown hair and eyes that reach so far into my soul that I'm lost every time I look at her. That is a gift that I will treasure the rest of my life. Do you know what you have done for me today, Alexis? I have a daughter... I have a child born of the one woman... the only woman who finally gave me the one desire that I have held onto and hungered for so long. You gave my life back to me, Alexis and I love you more today than the day I brought you back home."   
  
Alexis couldn't contain the tears... they fell with abandon at the love she saw in his eyes. Never before had she witnessed such a complete lack of inhibition in the man who stood before her. He loved her... and he made a spectacle of himself on a few occasions during the past months to prove to her how much. Their lives together had settled into a somewhat normal routine. The only frustration Alexis ever felt was Sonny's inability to grasp the fact that she was indeed capable of handling her pregnancy without his constant hovering. She couldn't help the smile that appeared as she remembered the last time Sonny had tried to manipulate her into an afternoon of 'Alexis and baby care' as he had begun calling it. Joy happened to be present that time to witness it. She also was quite perceptive of Alexis' absolute frustration at being 'handled'. Taking the situation in hand, Joy 'handled' Sonny.   
  
"Sonny Corinthos, for the love of mike, would you back off and give the woman some room to breathe. Don't you know that constant hovering by expectant fathers is bad for a baby's growth? It also tends to make the baby in question less than affectionate toward the mother due to said mother's inability to protect her from too much coddling. Are you sure you want that for them?"   
  
Alexis had picked up a cushion and busied herself with rearranging it to keep from laughing outright at the expression on Sonny's face. He paled visibly never questioning Joy's words. She was a nurse, why would he question her? But, from that moment on, Sonny backed off. Later Alexis and Joy laughed so hard their sides hurt. It was a bit 'way out there', but it had worked and Alexis hugged her friend gratefully.   
  
Lying there in the hospital bed, Alexis was again having trouble controlling her laughter. As was their way together, Alexis teased Sonny. Allowing her face to take on a decidedly worried look she questioned Sonny.   
  
"Do you think she loves me... I mean, because I didn't protect her... you know from... well her expectant daddy?"   
  
Alexis was unprepared for his response.   
  
"You didn't actually believe I bought that stuff did you?"   
  
Alexis looked up dumbfounded. She studied him for a moment until she realized what he had done.   
  
"I see. So, was Dr. Meadows able to alleviate your worries and dispel the 'myths' that Joy and I pushed your way?"   
  
Sonny ducked his head. There was just no way to hide anything from Alexis. He was so worried about any damage he may have done to his child, he had left almost immediately and high-tailed it to the hospital. Once he was reassured that nothing he did previously could actually hurt Alexis or his child he sat for an hour in the waiting room trying to figure out just why Joy and Alexis would put him through that kind of worry. He was still sitting there when Dr. Meadows finished her clinic and passed by him on her way out. She sat down next to him and asked if there was anything still bothering him. He told her that he couldn't figure out why Alexis would have put him through what she did when all he was trying to do was take care of them. The doctor smiled understandably and tried to explain the rampant emotions and wild hormonal reactions pregnant women were prone to versus independent women who had everything under control and over anxious fathers who tended to heighten their anxiousness which was definitely not a good thing. He looked back at Alexis with a sheepish grin.   
  
"She told me that my hovering was not such a good idea since it caused an already raging hormonal mother-to-be to become more hostile and less able to control her out of whack emotional state."   
  
Alexis laughed with abandon. He could definitely give as good as he got.   
  
"Do you know how much I absolutely adore you, Sonny Corinthos?"   
  
"Yeah. I'm kind of carrying a pretty big ego about that."   
  
She laughed again and reached to pull him closer. Just as she was about to kiss him, she heard a voice in the doorway and a groan from the man in her arms as he whispered.   
  
"We have simply got to find a way to let Joy know that there is such a thing as knocking before you enter a room."   
  
Standing up, Sonny turned around to fix Joy with one of 'those looks' and he melted at the sight of the bundle she was carrying. He crept closer being as quiet as possible and gently took his daughter from the arms of one of his best friends. He leaned over as Joy released his daughter and kissed her cheek.   
  
"Thanks, buddy."   
  
"Anytime, partner."   
  
Sonny turned back to Alexis with tears running down his face and he looked to the woman who made this day possible for him. He walked slowly and carefully back to her holding his precious baby girl. Her arms came up to beckon him closer and he carefully lay down beside her as her arms closed around him and the little bundle he carried. Within the arms of Alexis Davis, Sonny finally found peace. There were no more demons to fight... he was loved completely and the love of his life had given him a child. Sonny Corinthos was a happy and content 'daddy'. And Kristina Joy Davis-Corinthos slept on... safe and warm within the arms of her mother and father.

'Fini' 

If you enjoyed this story, drop me a line and let me know.  Thanks.


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